Hello, there. This is the 50th entry of the Phile. I cannot believe it lasted so long. Fifty entries. Man, that's a lot of words. Maybe now I can start being funny 'cause I haven't started yet. Another fifty entries and I will hit a hundred. Do you know the difference between Snoop Dogg and K-Fed? Snoop is a rapper that can actually get arrested. Have you heard about this Russian spy that was poisoned? He ingested something radioactive – or visited New Jersey. A new study found that some of our most important nuclear secrets can be found in our public libraries. and to think,. all I've been getting from our local library is CD's. How about that Kim Jong-Il? Does he give you the creeps? If you think he's nuts, what about this brother, Menta Li-Il? I've told that joke a thousand times, I still love it. Well, anyway, the United States now – listen to this – has banned the sale of iPods to North Korea. And you thought President Bush didn't have a plan. Yesterday was a historical day. In 1947, the U.N. voted to partition Palestine and create the state of Israel. Well, I'm glad they settled that. And here's probably why you folks aren't feeling so good: Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock? Well, they're getting a divorce – sad news. You know, it was a brief marriage, and friends actually noticed that the couple started drifting apart during the ceremony. But Pamela Anderson, boy, I understand she's quite a handful ... They were only married four months. Four months, and I was thinking, 'Well, who gets custody of the cake?' I feel sorry for Kid Rock. It’s always the kids that get hurt most in divorce. President Bush has decided to no longer use the "n word” anymore. Apparently he was at a comedy club in Washington. More and more on Michael Richards. He hired a P.R. specialist. The bad news – it’s John Rocker. Mit Romney may run for president. Some wonder if a Mormon could be elected president. I think he’d make a fine president. He’d be standing up there with his 18 first ladies. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is in trouble after giving the finger to fans after Sunday’s game. The Browns quarterback tried doing the same thing but no one was in the stands. New York Giants Eli Manning tried giving the finger too but it was intercepted. Elton John had to go backstage for five minutes and throw up during a concert the other night. He then came back and finished the concert. You know what this means? Elton is pregnant. The White House Christmas Tree was delivered yesterday. Just what the White House needs – more dead wood. The Pentagon is asking Germany to send more troops to Iraq. This marks the first time Germany has been asked to send more troops anywhere. President Bush’s Presidential Library is going to cost $500 million. That’s $100 million per book. President Bush visited Estonia. He thanked the Estonian President for sending troops to Iraq. Bush's exact quote was, "Those two guys are doing a great job. This week, President Bush is planning to attend a 2-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called: 'Strategies: Whose got one?' There's a rumor right now that Nicole Ritchie recently got breast implants. They thought they were breast implants, actually, it turns out they're just 2 grapes stuck in her windpipe. Michael Jackson is planning to follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and do charity work in Africa. Jackson says he wants to get to Africa soon- before all the good kids are taken. Yesterday, the movie The Nativity Story, about the birth of Jesus, had it's world premiere at the Vatican. Apparently there was one awkward moment when the guy sitting behind the Pope said, "Hey pal, take off your friggin hat!" The soap opera 'All My Children' has announced that it will be introducing a new transgender character. As a result, the show will be changing its name to 'All My Children and That Chick With An Adams Apple.' Well, it's the holidays and a popular item this year is gift cards. There’s nothing like saying, "I don’t care, I don’t know what you want, but have this and you’ll find something you like at this store." Some people are saying that soon we’ll have universal gift cards. Cards that can be used at any store. Didn’t that used to be called money? And finally, as you know O.J. Simpson’s book was cancelled. He’s starting a new one called "The Five People You Meet In Hell".
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Last week I forgot to section of the Phile. I was too busy thinking about myself and drinking beer on my birthday. Plus the turkey was making me sleepy. So here we go, catching up from last week first: The blondes get smarter and smarter. One of them (I still can’t tell them apart) said, “Where is Chernobyl? I know it’s where the atomic bomb went off.” At least Kimberly could admit she’s “geographically challenged.” In a car in the Ukraine, Tyler said, “Wow, I don’t even know what I’m driving.” Um, a car? Even in the Ukraine, it’s still a car, stupid asshat. James told Dustin, “I crashed into your tank.” She replied, “I didn’t even feel it,” which is probably not the first time he’s heard that from a woman. Impressed by Kimberly, Rob said something nice for a change: “I think Kimberly is finding out that she is a super-human creature from outer space.” Not to stomp on his nice sentiment, but if that was true, she would have used her laser eyes to fry off his testicles and make his head explode by now. Note to Tyler: When you adopt an overly stereotypical gay voice and say to your friend, “Nice buddy. You look so sexy,” it doesn’t make the way your buddy mounted you and slapped your ass last week any less homoerotic. The Cho brothers went home last week, in part because they were detained by the police for driving on a closed street. I am not sad, because they never really seemed to be concerned about, you know, racing. Honorable but dumb; kind but stupid; steady but slow. You don’t have to be an Rob/Amber ass to run the race, but you also have to desire to try, which does not include driving slowly and waiting around for your friends. In this week’s episode, Kimberly told us that “Rob’s starting to learn that sometimes you can’t control everything.” He even managed to shift a car into gear without swearing and telling Kimberly to shut up. He is growing up so fast; maybe next week he’ll learn to wipe himself without assistance. “Don’t look so excited to see us, James,” one of the blondes said when Tyler and James discovered they’d already boarded a flight. James squeezed his mouth so tight you could have sharpened a pencil in it, while Rob, distressed that the blondes caught up, nearly rubbed off his gross-looking beard. The Yield made an appearance, and when James found out, he was thrilled. “If we pullup there and our faces are plastered on that Yield sign, dude, I’m going to kill somebody,” he said. Alas, we didn’t get to see him stab, shoot, or beat someone to death because Lyn and Karlyn were yielded. Karlyn didn’t kill anyone, but she did give their yielders—the blondes—the finger. Reading the clue, Tyler told James, “Oh, we have to make the pots, dude. It’s not actually throwing them.” James replied absently, “Oh, yeah,” as if he didn’t think he was going to be literally hurling pots through the air. I’m surprised the two morons didn’t think “pots” referred to toilets or weed. James and Tyler were running toward the pit stop when they realized they forgot their good-luck charm in the car. Lyn and Karlyn passed them, but James and Tyler quickly lapped them and landed on the mat first. Physical strength pays off yet again. Despite being yielded, Lyn and Karlyn came in second. They hoped the blondes’ “evilness has finally bitten them back.” It did, and the blondes came in last place. On their way to the mat, they said “there’s no bad karma in the game.” Apparently not: it was another non-elimination leg (probably the last), which Phil revealed using his patented Phil Phake Out.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1731: 100,000 dead when a massive quake strikes Peking, China. 1990: Celebrated Irish author/sodomite Oscar Wilde, dies in Paris of meningitis. Wilde had been charged three times with indecency, specifically "the seduction and corruption of young men." Evidence admitted against him included testimony about fecal stains on his sheets. 1929: Dick Clark, the American Bandstander, born. We heard a rumor about extensive facial plasticizing treatments in the early 1970's. While this rumor remains unverified we must note that the man no longer ages and may not even be human. 1954: At 1 pm, an 8.5 pound stone meteorite falls from the sky and strikes Elizabeth Hulitt Hodge from Sylacauga, Alabama. The housewife was seriously bruised but survived, although the meteorite destroyed her radio. 1985: Frankenchrist released by the Dead Kennedys. More controversial than the album itself was the packaging: The Shriners filed suit regarding the cover (pictured were some of the ridiculous little cars they drive); and a poster by H.R. Giger included in the album sparked an obscenity trial in Los Angeles.1991: In Costa Mesa, California, battered wife Omeima Nelson kills her abusive husband and then proceeds to cook him. "I did his ribs just like in a restaurant. It's so sweet, it's so tender and delicious. I like mine tender." 1994: Rapper Tupac Shakur is shot five times in the chest in what may or may not have been an attempted robbery. He lives but is shot dead in Las Vegas, Nevada later.
BIZARRE CELEBRITIES
The tourist guy, is an Internet phenomenon consisting of a photograph of a tourist (Péter Guzli) that has appeared in many Photoshopped pictures after the September 11, 2001 attacks. The first one who claimed to be the tourist was the Brazilian businessman José Roberto Penteado. When Penteado started to get media attention, including an offer to be in a Volkswagen commercial, a 25 year old Hungarian man named Péter Guzli came forward as the real tourist. Guzli says, however, that he does not want publicity and did not originally release his last name. Guzli took the photo on November 28, 1997, and was also responsible for the initial edit. He edited the image for a few friends, not realizing it would spread so quickly across the Internet. He first provided the original undoctored photo and several other photos from the same series as proof to a Hungarian newspaper. Later on, Wired News examined the evidence and confirmed that Guzli was the real tourist guy.
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
Guys, we have a problem in the den.
HEROES
Like Hiro, we're headed six months into the past. We see some characters showing up in unexpected locations. We get answers. We get lots of answers, in fact, proving once again a show doesn't need to keeps its audience wholly in the dark to sustain interest. Hurray for Tim Kring. Even though Eden making portly Officer Parkman eat donuts wasn't very nice, it's interesting to see how she was brought into HRG's sphere, and to have it explained how it is that she's not running the entire world. The silent guy can prevent powers from working, and then HRG was able to offer Eden a opportunity: someplace to belong and a purpose. He's good at that, but I wonder what really would have happened to Eden if she'd turned down the offer. Would he have let her walk away like he said? It seems a great many important events in the character's backgrounds happened exactly six months ago. Peter got his nursing license, and brother Nathan's wife was crippled in a car accident. The accident wasn't Nathan's fault, as we've been led to believe. Nathan seems like a more ethical, stand-up guy at this point in his life. Maybe it's his wife's loss of her legs, along with other events related to his father's dealings with organized crime, that turned Nathan into the Machiavellian cynic we know presently. Claire becomes a cheerleader. From the looks of it, it's a good thing she will get her ability soon, because the kid is clumsy. I don't know how she survived that long without the ability, seeing as she's always crashing through panes of glass and things. Now we know that Jessica was Niki's sister who died about age twelve. She shielded Niki from childhood abuse by taking over when the abuse happened. Niki's in AA, not to much of a surprise there, even she, the "protected" sister, is plenty screwed up, as we've seen for ten episodes already. It adds to the understanding of how damaged Jessica is. Niki/Jessica is still the one "heroic" character that I can't see being able to help other people. Jessica seems to far gone and irrational for that. Although, maybe it will take someone as ruthless and single-minded as Jessica to finish off Sylar one day. Speaking of Syalr, Mohinder's father Chandra is going about his hero hunting when he meets Gabriel, a watchmaker who he thinks may have an ability. He also happens to be one of the few characters besides Hiro who is actually anxious to have and develop an ability. Well, wouldn't you know it. Gabrial "Sylar" can't understand how his first victim, a telekinesis guy, is scared of his own ability. The guy says he fears he might hurt somebody with his ability. That's a reasonable fear to have, but Sylar's not interested in moral conundrums. Making him a watchmaker is an interesting choice, he's mechanistic in his world view to say the least. Chandra inadvertently causes the death of numerous heroes when he started putting his list together. If he hadn't sought out Gabriel, then Gabriel might never have become Sylar. Chandra also exposed himself to HRG when he contacted him about Claire's ability. It was great to seem them connect as fathers. Week by week HRG becomes more and more nuanced as a character, a far cry from the X-Files knockoff villain of the premiere. Hiro bounces around Midland/Odessa having a difficult time proving to Charlie the waitress that he is from the future, even though she's got her own memory ability and witnesses a bunch of demonstrations by Hiro that ought to at least convince her something very strange is going down. Anyhow, this was the most affecting storyline of the episode. Hiro and Charlie fall in love, but some things can't be prevented, even when you can bend space and time. Hiro returns to the present, sadder and wiser. We know from that famous scene, with future Hiro and Peter on the subway, that Hiro is going to change a lot (assuming it really was Hiro visiting Peter, which I think it was) but now we see some of pain that that metamorphosis will entail. It's a hard path for the heroes, getting harder, not easier, as it goes along, making the show increasingly more fun, and more compelling, to watch.
THINGS I WISHED I HAD NEVER BELIEVED
Getting a good job is the best way to earn money. Ask any entrepreneur if she’d like to quit and get a job. Then ask most people with a job if they’d like to quit and work for themselves. Most wealthy people will tell you a job is the worst way to make money.
P.P.T.V.
MOVIE BUZZ
Spider-Man 3: It's easy to find Spidey hanging out in the posters, but you'll have to pay close attention to catch a glimpse of Venom in the featurette. He looks like the Alien's younger, meaner brother.
The Hobbit: The studio's going after Sam Raimi, but if they don't hurry, the rights will revert to a producer who promises to get Peter Jackson at the helm. Purists, you have a real reason to root against this movie getting made … at least until the end of next year.
The Smurfs: It's being described as an "animated Lord of the Rings." To which I reply: Smurf off. Just kidding.
Bond 22: The villain in the next one? Vesper's boyfriend. Poor dude — he has to face off against the guy who endured some serious genital torture for that woman.
Pan's Labyrinth: Each generation needs a trippy fantasy movie to serve as the first flick they see at the mall without the parental units. Unfortunately, I got Willow. Attention, brainy tweens: yours looks a lot cooler.
Transformers: Here's further proof that Transformers don't really like Tyrese.
Epic Movie: Most of this trailer is unbearable, but getting Crispin Glover to play Willy Wonka, even though Chocolate Factory wasn't really an "epic," is pretty cool. Wait … Snakes on a Plane wasn't an epic, either. And what's a Paris Hilton spoof doing in this thing?
The Hitcher: I'm confused — why does the Hitcher have a car? If he's got a ride, doesn't that just make him The Driver?
And now for my review of Deck The Halls. It features Danny DeVito, Matthew Broderick, Kristin Davis, and Kristin Chenoweth. Two guys in a rich neighborhood where the homes easily cost a couple of mil each decide that being insanely well-off isn't enough. They also have to destroy each other in a battle over Christmas lawn decorations. I love any movie where rich people are forced to suffer at Christmas time. And the name of that movie is The Ref. This isn't that movie. And worse, it tries to have it's Marie Antoinette cake and eat it, too, because not only do our heroes learn that simple things like family and love are the most important gift of the season, they get to have their giant environmentally disastrous Yule lights reach outer space, too. Oh, did I just spoil the ending for you? If I did, then you're not that bright to begin with. OK, yes, I laughed. I've seen so many awful movies this year that I think I'm punch-drunk. From 1 to 10 (10 being the best) I give this movie a 4. Logan's favorite part of 'Dig The Holes' as he thought it was called before he saw it, was when the guy turned the other guys lights off.
Well, that's about it. November is almost over and before you know it Christmas will be here then 2007. Check out my webshots page to see pictures from my birthday slash Thanksgiving. I will leave you with a random pic. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.
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