You'll Never Get Me Up In One Of Those

I'd rather work in the city in a pin stripe suit and bowler hat, if you break my arm I'll tell the Union, you know how I think about that. You put me in a uniform, if it comes to blows, but you'll never get me up in one of those. I'd rather spend my time in the foreign legion, or risk my neck travelling on the Southern Region, but you'll never get me up in one of those... I am, of course, talking about the space shuttle. Today is the 20th anniversary of the Challenger disaster. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was doing my homework in England, listening to the Steven Wright radio show on BBC Radio One and the shuttle was taking off. Then Steven said he thought fireworks were coming out of the shuttle. I turned on my little tv and saw the shuttle had in fact blew to smithereens over the Indian River. The same Indian River that my parents had property on. Anyway, more on the shuttle later. So, welcome to the Phile. Did you know last year was the warmest year in history? Yes, 20005 was the warmest year in history thanks to global warming. And this year it's been a warm January so far. I was walking in Epcot where I work yesterday and I saw one of the Chipmunks, either Chip or Dale, I don't know, I saw one of the chipmunks with hard boiled nuts. Don't kid yourselves, people, experts are saying this global arming is serious and by 2050 we will be out of party ice. That's what they're saying. Here's big news out of the world of broadcasting: how many of you folks watch the WB? And what about the UPN? Guess what? They're merging into one network and is going to be called CW. Now, President Bush was warned in advance and did nothing to stop this. If you're wondering what CW stands for, well, it's obvious. Can't Watch. Speaking of President Bush, he's talking to the National Security Agency to boost morale. These are the people that do all the wire tapping for us. Anyway, the president is talking to them to boost morale. By the way, you can also talk to the people at the N.S.A. just by dialing any phone number in the country. President Bush was also in Kansas a couple days ago and the kids in the college there asked him if he saw Brokeback Mountain. He said he didn't because he doesn't like westerns where cowboys ride into town for a day-spa. He said he didn't care for that. But then again, the President is an old-fashioned guy. He leaves the room during Ben-Gay commercials. Finally, it was announced that Grant Hill of the Orlando Magic is retiring. I wonder if I can get his spot on the bench. Well, I have a big entry for you so let's get it started.

IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO

The widow of Challenger's commander laid a wreath of roses and carnations at a memorial honoring fallen astronauts, just miles from the launch pad where the doomed space shuttle blew apart 73 seconds after lifting off 20 years ago Saturday. The explosion eventually was blamed on a poorly designed gasket in one of the shuttle's solid fuel boosters which hardened in cold weather. The temperature at Challenger's liftoff was 36 degrees (2 degrees Celsius). Engineers for a NASA contractor had protested launching at that temperature, but they were overruled by their managers under perceived pressure from the space agency.

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CANNED LAUGHTER

 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry". 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Q: What's the definition of a teenager? A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

 

ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH

MORE USELESS TRIVIA: Popcorn has been served in movie theaters since 1912. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. John Adams was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. Casanova's full name was Giacomo Girolama Casanova. In 1955, an Argentinean named Juan Potomachi died and left more than $37,500 to a local theater on the condition that they use his skull during a performance of "Hamlet." Even though Dr. Seuss wrote successful books for children, he never had any of his own. "Alma mater" means "bountiful mother." Despite being over 27 times smaller, Norway's total coastline is longer than that of the U.S. Russians celebrate their October Revolution in November. In the Old Testament, Lot impregnated both of his own daughters. (Genesis 19:36.)

PALINDROMES: Does anybody know what a palindrome is? It's one of the coolest things ever. A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same forward as it does backward. In 2002, the world's longest palindrome was created, consisting of 17,259 words. Someone had to much time to think. Well, here on the Phile, I will show you four palindromes that I thought of. 1.) see referees 2.) race car 3.) evil olive 4.) swap paws. If you know any others, please send them to me and I will post them here on the Phile.

LETTERS TO GOD: Here are some actual questions to God from kids around the world. Either kids say the damnest things sometimes or the world is full of dumb kids. Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Dear God, Went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for wasa puppy.
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him in anyway. Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Dear God, My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they? Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

THE PHILE COMPUTER: I bet your computer doesn't have this key:

24 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU HAVE FINALLY GROWN UP: 1.Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3.You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4.6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5.You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6.You watch the Weather Channel. 7.Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup". 8.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10.You're the one calling the police because those stupid kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12.You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13.Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14.    You feed your dog/cat Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16.You take naps from noon to 6 PM 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19.You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms or pregnancy tests. 20. A $2.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21.You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22."I just can't drink the way I used to..." replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24.When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "Oh, man--What Happened!?!?!?!"

HOT TOPIC PUNKS VERSUS STAR WARS GEEKS: This is the first of what I hope of many videos I will be posting here on the Phile. video

FAKE OR FOTO: Once again the popular game we like to play: Fake or Foto. The last picture was foto. What is this picture of the diamonds? Is it fake or foto?

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE:

Brad Pitt is so lucky.

And now for the most popular feature ever...

MOVIE BUZZ

Casino Royale: Teri Hatcher might be changing teams. No, not like that. I mean she might go from Bond girl (remember Tomorrow Never Dies?) to Bond baddie, playing an unnamed villainess. Desperate casting?

Spider-Man 3: Bryce Dallas Howard is gonna play Peter Parker's high-school flame, Gwen Stacy. I'm guessing the guy has a thing for redheads, because she looks exactly like Kirsten Dunst. Might as well throw in an older woman, too. How about Nicole Kidman?

The Hulk 2: Hulk relieved David Duchovny–as–Hulk rumor not true! Hulk know that would have been straight-to-DVD crap-heap! Grah!

Torso: Matt Damon might take over for Kevin Costner in the continuing story of Eliot Ness. What happened to him after he busted Al Capone in Chicago? He went serial-killer hunting in Cleveland. What happened to Costner? He's untouchable.

Untitled Star Trek sequel: Sure, Trekkies might be all excited to hear that the next movie might feature both the Next Generation crew and the classic, Kirk-era cast, but all the hip dudes have moved on to Battlestar Galactica. At least I thought I was hip. My kid caught me watching BSG and said, "Whatever. This is just Power Rangers for grown-ups."

X-Men 3: Jean Grey is back, and she is pissed! (Click on underlined sentence)

And now for the trailer of the week: The Wendell Baker Story. trailer

 

Well, that's about it. I will leave you with another random picture. Until next time...'nuff said.