Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Friday. I go back to work around the 14th of this month so this might be the last five day Phile week in a while. Awe, don't all cry at once. Next week there's only going to be three entries... we'll see after that. Equal rights for others does not mean less rights for you. It's not pizza.
A 21-year-old Japanese man was somehow able to cheerfully endure a nightmare that would send most young men sprinting into traffic or leaping out the closest five-story window. Twitter user @analKABAO took the platform to show the world that his grandmother, who was in her pajamas and apparently looking for something to keep her feet warm, mistook his fleshlights... or “pocket pussies” as they’re more commonly known... for thermal socks and went ahead and put them on. Surprisingly, upon discovering his grandmother’s mistake @analKABAO (I see those first four letters in that name don’t think I don’t buddy) laughed instead of puked himself to death. He recorded the whole thing on video and posted it with glee, even. Here's some screen shots...
The “socks” were, however, quite difficult to remove. Eventually, though, grandma’s feet were liberated from her grandson’s literal cum dumpsters. That sentence was horrifying to write. Let this be a lesson to all you grandmothers and even you moms out there too: after your male offspring goes through puberty don’t touch anything in his room because he’s probably had sex with it or near it or on it. Only enter the room in a hazmat suit. Do not let house guests go within fifty feet of the door. Make sure you spay any female pets you have before they enter, just in case something in there gets them pregnant on accident. It probably won’t happen but you can’t risk finding the family cat on a towel in the garage one day, nursing five ungodly abominations that have your son’s eyes. Credit to this grandson for, again, not denouncing any faith in God he may have had and then puking so hard that his throat exploded out of his neck or something. He has the constitution of a Queen’s guardsman.
Calling all Rachel Greene fans, this is your time! One of Jennifer Aniston’s most iconic and famous portraits is heading to auction for COVID-19 relief. The "Friends" actress revealed on her Instagram over the weekend that photographer Mark Seliger organized the auction for a good cause. The 51-year-old stated, “My dear friend @markseliger teamed up with @radvocacy and @christiesinc to auction 25 of his portraits... including mine... for COVID-19 relief.” The photo was taken back in 1995 during the height of the TV show’s mania when the photographer was asked to take pictures of the entire cast. The black and white image shows Aniston sitting nude, cross-legged with her hands crossed over her knee which is covering most of her body. I want to see a pic of this!
Sure enough, due to how stunning Aniston looks, the photograph became one of Seliger’s most famous works. The actress said 100 percent of the sales proceeds of the photo will go to @NAFClinics, National Association of Free and Charitable Clinics, which is an organization that provides free coronavirus testing, and “care nationwide to the medically underserved.” The Instagram account for NAFC Clinics responded to the actress’s announcement, thanking her for selecting NAFC as her charity of choice. There will also be other photos that Seliger is auctioning for Red Carpet Advocacy and Christie’s auction house, including Julia Louis Dreyfus’ nude shot. The photo features the Constitution, which was written on her back, others include Keith Richards 2011 cover for GQ and Amy Schumer’s with stormtroopers. If you would like to bid for the nude portrait up for auction you can visit the RADArt4Aid’s website. Aniston’s portrait was estimated to reach up to $7,000 but a current bid has already reached up to $8,000 as of June 4th. The auction is said to last until June 12th.
It’s all happening, the aliens are coming! Better yet, they have come and gone, according to a NASA scientist. Yes, these “tiny, super-intelligent” aliens may have already visited Earth without us noticing them, which makes everything much scarier and more exciting at the same time. Professor Silvano P. Colombano, of NASA’s Intelligent Systems Division, argued in a recent research paper that extraterrestrials most likely look different from what we expect or know and can most likely travel long distances, meaning we may have never realized that they paid a visit on Earth. Colombano (an amazing name, I must add) presented his research at a workshop called “Decoding Alien Intelligence” organized by NASA’s SETI Institute, standing for “Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence." He wrote, “I simply want to point out the fact that the intelligence we might find and that might choose to find us (if it hasn’t already) might not be at all be produced by carbon-based organisms like us.” To make it simpler for us non-science talking individuals, that means: if aliens aren’t carbon-based life forms, that would alter what we look for when we think about them. Basically, our typical "life-spans" would no longer be a limitation, and the size of the explorer might be that of a small super intelligent entity. The computer scientist suggests that the extraterrestrials may have figured out technology that humans have yet to or just simply can’t understand. This would ultimately change our assumption about interstellar travel, primarily, that it is actually impossible for us. By adopting this new set of assumptions about what forms of higher intelligence and technology we might find, some of those phenomena "might fit specific hypotheses," and we can start finding out more about these intelligent species. Of course, this is just a theory by the space expert, but he is encouraging the public and his colleagues to be a bit more open-ended about the possibility of alien actually visiting earth. He also believes not all UFO sighting can be necessarily denied or explained and asks us to look through the “very large of amount of ‘noise’” when it comes to reporting one. Yikes! Do you believe in aliens?
If you showed me a picture of this cat and told me it was the product of morally and ethically irresponsible Russian Cold War experiments to cross-breed a human and a cat for unspecified strategic purposes, I wouldn’t immediately not believe you.
This cat, an old Maine Coon kitten named Valkyrie, has a human face, and it’s kind of unsettling to look at. Valkyrie is actually one of many human-face Maine Coons owned and bred by animal lover Tatiana Rastorgueva. Tatiana is a 44-year-old felinologist who has been breeding what she thinks are these adorable kittens. She documents the other unusual Maine Coons on her Instagram page, @catsvill_county, sharing with 109k followers her result of painstaking selective breeding. Valkyrie is one of the human-like face social media stars, and the other Maine Coon cats are the result of breeding the father cat Vatican and mother cat Lucien. What this thing really looks like is a baby Thundercat. I can’t imagine this cat being a part of my life. Felines are already judgmental little monsters. Having this thing’s stare piercing your soul and making you feel like a garbage monkey with its human looking eyes, however, would make it worse. Cleaning its litter box after it drops a hot one in there, while it watches you with smug satisfaction, would just feel degrading. Every time I look at its facial features in this pic I’m bracing myself for it to say something. Something mean. This cat looks like the exact opposite of a dog that would save your life. Based on what the average Maine Coon looks like, this sort of human-like face does not appear to be normal. Cattime.com's description of the Maine Coon makes no mention of its facial features having the haunting features of a human soul trapped in a cat’s body. A medium-width head is slightly longer than it is wide and has a squarish muzzle. Large, well-tufted ears are wide at the base, tapering to a point, and large, expressive eyes are green, gold, greenish-gold or copper. White or bi-colored Maine Coons may have blue or odd eyes. The brown tabby pattern is so common in this breed that many people don’t know Maine Coons can come in any other colors or patterns. Keep that type of Maine Coon away from me.
Drawing was my favorite pastime growing up. I was always drawing pictures of my family, my favorite actors, musicians, etc. People were my muse... and since people come in all shades of colors, it was frustrating drawing some people, including myself. I’m am so ecstatic to see Crayola’s line of multicultural crayons, colored pencils, and markers hit stores. I wish I had these growing up, but it’s definitely not too late for me to enjoy a therapeutic session of drawing on construction paper like I’m a kid again. Check this out...
Crayola’s Multicultural Crayons are art supplies every kid or adult will appreciate-no matter the shade of skin. The Crayola Crayons will give children a chance to bring their beautiful art pieces to life. Seeing color isn’t a bad thing y’all. All skin tones are beautiful. Hopefully, these multicultural crayons make drawing portraits more enjoyable for kids. You can find the box of eight crayons multicultural crayons on Amazon, but Crayola has added 24 new colors that represent people from around the world. This box will be available in July, but you can pre-order and add to your shopping cart now. Customer reviews on the current line of Crayola’s Multicultural Crayons are wonderful. Although, there’s always room for more skin tone colors! It’s impressive that Crayola has decided to extend its skin color crayons to be more inclusive. Crayola’s Multicultural colors will also be available to buy in large crayons, colored pencils, and nontoxic washable markers as well. This summer, when you’re out shopping for school supplies, be sure to pick up a pack of Crayola Multicultural Crayons. Art projects will mean so much more to kids now.
People across the nation and across the nation and around the world are protesting the death of George Floyd at the hands of police. Many celebrities are using their platforms to speak out against the injustices, and others are really struggling to read the room. Here's another tone-deaf celebrity...
Actress Sasha Pieterse from "Pretty Little Liars" deleted her tweet comparing racism to laundry.
Trump went back over to St. John's again, this time though I have no idea what he wanted to express.
Man, I can't stand those lockdown protestor signs like this one for example...
Dumbass. Here is another creative measure that a business is taking to maintain social distancing out in the world.
The cafe at Izu Shaboten Zoo in Shizuoka, Japan uses stuffed Capybaras to enforce social distancing. If anyone can guess this animal I will drink tonight...
Here's another scary pic of that Maine Coon in case you wanted to see it again...
Eek! The cat. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Things Said By People Whose First Names Have Been Ruined By Pop Culture
5. Mine is "Jesse’s Girl" which is about A GUY WHO WANTS TO "STEAL" JESSE’S GIRL. Screw that guy.
4. My name is Kiki... no, I don’t love you, I’m not ridin', and I’m probably gonna leave you...
3. My name is Karen. Do you really have to ask?
2. That dumb fucking tiger.
And the number one thing said by someone whose first name has been ruined by pop culture is...
1. My name is Nick. The Nickelodeon theme song did irreversible damage to me from grades 1st through 8th.
If you spot the Mindohuck let me know. You know I live in Florida, right? Well, stuff happens in this state that happens nowhere else in the universe.
A Florida teenager was out with his mother and two dogs in Charlotte County when he was attacked by a 10-foot alligator near the pond they were walking along. The boy, who was not identified, was allegedly splashing around the edge of the pond in Placida, Florida when the giant gator popped out of the water and bit him on his hand and leg. Florida Fish and Wildlife called in trappers and the gator, which now has a taste for the boy, was moved to an alligator farm in Glades County. The boy suffered an open fracture to the leg, though authorities say the injury, while severe, is not life-threatening. The FWC has warned that alligator and human interaction has become more frequent in recent years. Alligators live in all 67 Florida counties. I hope this boy recovers and I feel bad because he’s a kid but… man, who in Florida doesn’t know not to splash around in ponds!?!?!?!?! You just have to assume there’s a gator in every body of freshwater you come across in that state. See a puddle after a rainstorm? There’s a Goddamn alligator in it. Do NOT put on your rain boots and splash around in it. You will die. More than the boy, though, how does the Florida mom not let this happen? How was this mom like, “Oh that’s my precocious Jaxxyn. He just loves water?” instead of, “THERE ARE HUNGRY DINOSAURS IN THERE GET OUT YOU IDIOT! I AM NOT WASTING MY SWEET, SWEET CORONAVIRUS CHECK ON A CHILD’S CASKET!” At least the gator didn’t get the dogs. Those dogs would be dead. Don't let snakes and ALLIGATORS bite you!
This person who thinks someone dying of coronavirus is not "proof" enough that people die of coronavirus.
Okay, let's see what is going on live in Port Jeff, shall we?
People are sitting on the grass again having a picnic it seems like. I hope they are having fun.
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!" And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
The 127th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Marion will be on the Phile on Monday.
Today's guest is an American actor and filmmaker. He has received multiple awards and nominations, including a Golden Globe Award and three Academy Award nominations. His latest movie Motherless Brooklyn is produced and directed by him, and is available on Amazon Prime and on Blu-ray. Please welcome to the Phile... Edward Norton.
Me: Hey, Edward, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Edward: I'm good, Jason.
Me: So, your latest movie Motherless Brooklyn opens up with a Shakespeare quite. What is it?
Edward: O, it is excellent. To have a giant's strenght, but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant.
Me: What's the significance of that quote?
Edward: Well, not to be "Bob Dylan" about it but people get pulled into these things what they read into the moment we're living in. There were a lot of things I was thinking about in terms of the narratives we as a society put out about ourselves in terms of how we run ourselves... the Democratic narrative, the humanistic narrative, versus where the power is actually held, how they hold it and how they wield it in this moment especially. It's become worth reexamining these question.
Me: So, I have no idea what Shakespeare was trying to say. Can you explain it?
Edward: Yeah, it's lie what Superman's dad says... "with power comes great responsibility." Joseph Campbell says we tell the same stories over and over again. We just re-skin them for the time that we're living in. We've seen this, it's not like humanity hasn't seen the dance which forever reasons in times where people feel marginalized or people feel resentful to whatever forces are driving fear and anxiety. The allure of the autocrat, the allure of I am the one who will get this done.
Me: Man, Edward, you're deep. By the way, it was Spider-Man's uncle who said "with power comes great responsibility."
Edward: Okay. But it's the allure of brutal power, the allure of assertive power... naked power that's not afraid to claim itself the right to dispense the inconvenience of collective of will.
Me: Ur... okay. So, you wrote, directed, produced and star in this film, right?
Edward: I adapted it.
Me: What is it about this story that you wanted to make this movie?
Edward: To be clear the main inspiration of the book is this great character, Lionel who's a detective with Tourette syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but the book takes place in the late 90s.
Me: The movie takes place in the 50s. Why did you move it to that decade?
Edward: Well, the book is primarily this great character study. This wonderful experience of being inside the mind of this very unique guy knowing him intermediately and knowing he's smart, sensitive and funny. The draw to me is always that he's just this fantastic underdog. He's a person that nobody is looking at whose affliction is also kind of his super power. As character he makes you feel empathic. You feel in the book that you're always on his side and see him kind of outfox everybody. That's just a great hook, like every song needs a great hook. To me if you look back at movies like Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump is a much more political movie than we remember it being. It's very sardonic and edgy about America, the way it kind of ate itself across the 60s and 70s through the lens of an innocent. Through your empathy with the way the world treats that innocent you hold on to your sense of purity in a way as these tumultuous things go on in the culture and stuff like that. It's kind of this reminder that the great thing about Forrest Gump and many such movies.
Me: Not for me. To me it was a movie that wouldn't end. So much running. What other movies are like this?
Edward: Rain Man, and things like that.
Me: Oh, yeah, I love Rain Man.
Edward: Good. Sometimes through the underdog I hope you needed to be empathic. You're reminded that when the forces of history are difficult that empathy for each other is what holds things together.
Me: Yeah, it's like growing up is sad and watching a child grow up is sad. Am I right?
Edward: Yeah, because the world is going to happen to you one point or another. But how do you hold on to that? The way you felt about your friends? That's the core of my film too, I think. If I ask people to sit through the plot of how racism was baked into the fabric of New York's infrastructure that's all great, but that's a little "heady." I think the thing I always felt was that those are things I was always looking at by Lionel is this great vehicle for looking at how we treat each other really.
Me: So, in one sentence what is the film about?
Edward: The film is about love, is about intrigue, it's about sentiment and is about corruption, also weirdly about city planning.
Me: That's a plot point I don't see in a lot of films. Why city planning?
Edward: My grandfather was one of the great city planners of our time.
Me: Really? What was he like?
Edward: He was kind of like an anti-Robert Moses. In the film we called him Moses Randolph.
Me: What was your grandfather's name and were you thinking of him when you were making this film?
Edward: James Rouse. Very much so. He really believed that city's and the way we thought about them and developed them needed to be an expression of caring for people, He used to say very progressive things for an urban planner like "city's are gardens for growing better people." He was really a big promoter of the idea of nurturing the vitality of inner cities.
Me: Doesn't Miles Davis as a character appear in this movie?
Edward: They're all amalgams. There's a jazz man who we just call the Trumpeter. Miles Davis was very famous and had been to France and had come back and had a French girlfriend with a bang cut named Juliette Gréco. When you meet the trumpet player this white Bohemian kid comes up and says, "I'm a trumpet player too." That was from a story that Quincy Jones told me about hanging out with Miles Davis when he was working between sets on "Birth of the Cool" stuff in little clubs uptown and stuff like that.
Me: Don't you love stories like that? I do.
Edward: Yeah, but sometimes people mash-up fantasy with real history. I'm aways leery about throwing out a fictional character into play with real people and saying this is a true story. Some people say Citizen Kane was about Randolph Hearst, but they pulled in a lot of reference points in that film. That film pulled on many things that went on in that era. And of course Hearst, he felt that he was the target of it. The truth is it was a literary adaptation on things about American life. It gives you this feeling of going to more essential truths not get hung up in did this actually happen, did that actually happen, so that's what I did here.
Me: Okay, so I was told that Alec Baldwin's character Moses Randolph was also based on Donald Trump and even said lines that Trump had said. Is that true?
Edward: Yeah, there's a lot going on right now. There's other things that he says that if you read some of the details of this wave of stories unfolding on what I would call this great comeuppance happening on what's getting called the MeToo Moment. I think women steeping up and saying "hey, these details of the way that this extension of power and its brutality. Men in power thinking these are their rights, that they're right to treat me this way manifested itself this way." There are many details going out of all that that it's blood curdling. I felt like the psychology of what is it that makes a person think... what is actually going on in the head of a person like that? It's not just about sex, it's about something else.
Me: I thought maybe it's because he played Trump so well on "SNL."
Edward: Alec is a great dramatic actor and he's also a theatrical actor and I feel the way that he uncorks that kid of monologue in the end to me he really more than just the words I wrote he captures I think the sickness that is at the heart the way power leads people to believe that not just the rules have fallen away from them but that these are the privileges, these are the rightful privileges of people who are getting things done in the world.
Me: Who did you grow up in your childhood that led you to think this way? You're very political, right?
Edward: My grandfather had a huge influence on me. Actually my first job I had in college I worked for him doing affordable housing development in New York. That's when I became fascinated with a lot of that this film's about. And he was a great humanist, President Clinton gave him the Medal of Freedom, our highest civilian award because of his work to promote mechanisms from getting market capital to affordable housing development and things like that. My father fought for his whole career environmental conservation stability and my mother was an educator so I grew up among people who were as Lionel says in the film "in the depression as a country we were focused on taking care of each other... after the war it became much more about power." I think the way national narrative shift around the idea of who are we and what we are actually doing. As a friend of mine says, "Are we financially maximizing?" Is the view of the world the maximization or is it caring for each other?
Me: Hmmm. I was hesitant to see the movie I have to say because your character has Tourette syndrome... I don't know what that makes me... but I have known people to have that and it's not that annoying. So, with a character like that in a film did you think it would turn people off?
Edward: To me the brilliant trick of Jonathan Lethem's book is from page one you're on his side. I felt if we can pull that off in film, if by hearing his inner voice but also seeing oh, God, what is this going to be like.
Me: Have you ever met anybody with Tourette syndrome?
Edward: Yeah, I have met people with milder variations. Tourette is a very individualistically expressed condition...nobody is the same. But when we were making Death To Smoochy with Danny DeVito and Robin Williams, Robin was friends with this guy who is a sculpture and has a very severe Tourette. It was the first time I met someone whose physical Tourette was at first so extreme that is was distracting. What I found fascinating about it number one was he was a really, really funny guy, very able to laugh at the funny things that it did to him. What was interesting to me was after a while I stopped paying attention to it and I sort of interact with him through it. That was really feeling and interesting because in Lionel's world he moves through the world where if he has to navigate through people who don't know him he's constantly apologizing having too explain, etc. But when he's in the bubble of people who know him they hardly react to it anymore.
Me: Have you heard from people who have Tourette about the film?
Edward: Well, the National Association of People with Tourette we let them see it early. When we got the letter from the Tourette Association the people had not loved it, but loved the way it portrayed Lionel as someone able to function and rise and become a hero and be heroic and utilize the gifts that are within it and really triumph. They really loved it but my favorite detail was that they said during that screening Lionel's ticks were setting off the ticks of all the people in the audience. I'd give anything for one of those green infrared videos of that.
Me: That's cool. Edward, thanks for being on the Phile, Please come back again soon. Stay well.
Edward: Thank you, Jason.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guest Edward Norton. I wish we could've talked about his other films, as I am a fan of his. Maybe next time. The Phile will be back on Monday with Marion Ross from "Happy Days." Spread the word, not the turd... or virus. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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