Hey, kids, welcome to the Peverett Phile Christmas... 10! Crazy, right? How are you? Did you ever notice in all the movies Santa never goes to the house directly next door? He always gets in his sleigh and picks off like twenty miles east. Are you single this Christmas? If so don't be said that you're single, be happy that you don't have to buy extra presents. So, I'm wearing my Grinch t-shurt and I just had a thought... maybe the Grinch would be nicer if every five minutes a dude wasn't singing songs about what a piece of shit he is. Okay let's start off with a story about the greatest company to work for... ever.
Disney shouldn't really be surprised when they're remaking the animated classics that millennials hold so dear if there are a few things that everyone agrees just shouldn't be changed. Everyone is down for minor modern adjustments to the plot or a few new songs, but apparently the genie being blue is a sacred characteristic and people are well, blue about it. After Entertainment Weekly posted this first look at Will Smith as the genie in the new Aladdin, the Internet was stunned, disturbed, disappointed, enraged... every moment red-letter, if you will. In a time when our government is on the verge of a shutdown and our riff-raff president's lawyer was just arrested for doing something the street rat president told him to do, it's important to take a step back and focus on what matters: whether or not the genie should be blue. May I suggest that we all recall the fact that the genie is a shape-shifting magical character who takes hundreds of forms throughout the original film and that perhaps most of the work of this costume will be done by computers? Maybe this reaction was a bit too "one swing ahead of the sword?" Call me crazy, but I highly doubt that Will Smith is just going to be rocking out spells in a top knot on a Disney budget, but apparently the initial disappointment was just too real to not be addressed. The anxiety over the genie not being blue was so high that this super sleuth soon stepped in with a screenshot from Will Smith's instagram...
And Will Smith himself addressed it in his caption. Entertainment Weekly even sent a follow-up tweet to worried fans...
So there you have it, the genie will be blue. Now we can get back to more important things, like what Jasmine's hips will look like in live action.
It's no small secret that Donald Trump and Melania exude the same levels of romantic chemistry as a black hole. Which is to say, photos of them together are far more likely to inspire feelings of death and destruction than they are love and connection. While candid shots of the two of them inadvertently portray Melania as a captive, silently blinking to be saved from the clutches of the Fascist-in-chief, the glaring emotional vacuum in their most carefully posed photographs feels even more bone chilling. At this point, I have no doubt I could fill a museum with examples of the Trump's stony body language and seeming lack of pulse, but this time around we're going to focus on the 2018 Christmas card. Here it is...
Yesterday, Melania posted the official family Christmas portrait of her and her captor, and the stilted body language screamed volumes to the Internet. Many people noted how the colorful decorations feel more alive than the couple themselves, which speaks volumes given the specter of Melania's blood-themed Christmas decorations. In fact, the deeply awkward body language stuck out so much that body language expert Patti Wood spoke to In Style about what it conveys. "If you look at that photo and don’t move in on it tightly at all, you can feel the tension in it. There’s many things that show affection, care, a desire to merge... that aren’t present. It’s a loose handhold. If you look at her hand, it is bent around his and slightly lifting his up. But you can see where he’s not fully joining in by the way that his thumb is awkwardly out. It’s very odd. If you look at it closely, you see that the thumb is straight and pointing at him as opposed to resting or curling around her, and doing what would be normal to show a return of affection." When you take a look at last year's photo, the tense body language and lack of full physical contact is almost identical. Also, both years their family Christmas portraits exclude their son Barron, which brings up a whole different crop of questions. If a body language expert archived a years long history of Melania and Donald, that could be a whole book in itself. If you added the scarce shots with Barron, the creepy shots with Ivanka, the cloying shots of Don Jr, the shots showing Eric as an unsexy vampire, and the angsty and alienated pictures of Tiffany, well, you'd have a whole series of books.
Someone who works in social media at The UPS store is probably going to get fired for having a heart full of coal and dead dreams. In a tweet that earned over 15,000 likes and 4,300 re-tweets in less than 24 hours and has since been deleted, The UPS store gave the Internet a dark and graphic image of what happens to all the letters hopeful children send to Santa...
Granted, every Christmas-celebrating child has to learn the truth about Santa one day and the over-the-top, elaborate measures some parents take to protect the fantasy do seem a little unnecessary. The UPS store, though? In arguably the most famous movie about the legend of Santa Claus, Miracle on 34th St. the United States Postal Service is the reason the lawyer is able to prove that the Macy's Santa is the real Santa. If we can't get the United Parcel Service on Santa's side, maybe we should tell our kids to start emailing Santa? It'd be better for the environment. Staci Reidinger, the public relations and social media manager for the UPS store told Buzzfeed, "We do a lot of puns that have second-or third-level meanings in our posts. We thought this was going to be one of those. We’re very sensitive to what we do on social, and if we see things that are going in the wrong direction, we want to say, 'okay, we’re going to back off of this.' We did not want to take away from the magic of Christmas. [The tweet] was just to get people laughing." As far as the employee who tweeted the Santa-shaming, Reidinger says he or she has been made aware of the backlash, but no disciplinary action has been taken. For the record, I don't think this person should be fired, I think they just need some Christmas cheer. Still, a lot of people were scandalized by the UPS store's Grinch-like attitude. But maybe this is just a nice reminder to keep your children off of Twitter? After all, you wouldn't want them to see our president like that. Let's just hope The UPS store social media manager gets to push the old Santa off a roof this year so he or she can learn a lesson about the spirit of Christmas.
The media loves profiling Trump supporters, with articles like, "Tommy used to work on the docks, union's been on strike he's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough. Gina works the diner all day working for her man she brings home her pay, for love, for love. We gotta hold on to what we got..." Finally, we have an op-ed by a Trump voter with a real twist: butterflies. A man named Luciano Guerra wrote about his plight in The Washington Post, giving us what might be the most bonkers headline of 2018. "Right now, in Mission, Texas, we don’t worry about immigrants who crossed the border illegally or drug smugglers. We worry about having to defend our private property from seizure by the federal government," Guerra wrote. Nobody who lived through 2016 can say that they weren't warned about Trump's plan to build a wall. Guerra insists that he didn't think Trump was for real. "People have asked me, 'Didn’t you listen to Trump when he said that he would build a wall?' I didn’t take the idea seriously during the campaign. I knew he couldn’t get Mexico to pay it... that’d be like asking Hurricane Harvey to foot the bill for rebuilding Houston... and thought it was just talk: another candidate making big promises he couldn’t keep. I never thought it would actually happen." The Butterfly Guy also recently suffered the humiliation of agreeing with Speaker of the House-to-Be, Nancy Pelosi. "By backing the wall, my party has abandoned the conservative principles I treasure: less government, less spending, and respect for the law and private property. The wall is expected to cost between $8 billion and $67 billion to build, and its rushed construction requires the waiver of 28 federal laws meant to protect clean air and water, wildlife habitat and historical artifacts. As I followed the news [last week], I was amazed to find myself agreeing with Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), who called the project 'immoral, ineffective and expensive.' Here was a Democrat telling a Republican that a policy would cost too much." Elections have consequences, and the consequences kill butterflies. Even if it were safe from Trump, a "butterfly paradise" would never be safe from Mike Pence. Pence puts butterflies in therapy to try and convert them into moths.
Ah, the spirit of Christmas. It inspires people worldwide to be more generous, more forgiving, and more accepting during the holiday season. Everyone except one rude customer who prompted Sarah Bélanger Demaneuf to enact a revenge plan that has the Internet howling this week. Seventeen years ago, Sarah was working at a retail store when she encountered a particularly difficult customer. She detailed the experience in a Facebook post that went viral. I'll let Sarah take it from here...
Here's the whole thing that she wrote...
Yep, she did that. Commenters (virtually) leapt to their feet, applauding Sarah's supreme level of pettiness. I have no choice but to commend Sarah and her vengeful ways. I'm scared of what she might do otherwise.
So, I was thinking, instead of doing this blog thing I should be wrapping presents, drinking egg nog and listening to this album...
Nah. Maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would like to go back about a hundred years and see what Santa looked like then. Then I'd see this...
Nope. Nope. Nope. Remember the Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2? This is her now...
Feel old yet? Hahaha. Have you ever wondered what it'll be like if Jesus was born this year in 2018? Lemme show you...
Are people still riding Segways? You know about Elf on the Shelf, right? Well, the president has his own.
Hahahahahaha. I love those blow up Christmas decorations on people's from lawns, but I think this one is the best...
I don't know about you but I love to shop. Some guys don't though, like this guy...
Are you looking to get your wife or girlfriend something for Christmas and don't know what to get? I can help. How about this color changing umbrella?
This color changing umbrella which sells for $40.75 changes colors when wet. The umbrellas are printed with special ink that's white when dry and comes to life when in contact with water. Why would you buy a normal umbrella again? They say you'll see weird things at Walmart. I didn't believe it until I saw this...
So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn for free and so easily. But if you're at work you might get in trouble, so I came up with a solution...
You're welcome. Alright, I have to show this meme someone made of my dad which I thought was funny and which he would've loved...
I love it. So, this year don't forget what Christmas is about...
Ha! Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Cute Hashtags For Your Selfies This Holiday Season
5. #SingleAllTheWay
4. #MistleNOPE
3. #Falalalalonely
2. #OnTheThirstDayOfChristmas
And the number one cute hashtag for your selfie this holiday season...
1. FelizNahlmGood
Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome to the Phile for the annual Christmas entry. How are you?
Jeff: Hey, Jason, always great to be back on the Phile! I'm doing alright other than a bit of back problems but otherwise I'm well. How about you?
Me: Toe problems. So, today's pheatured guest is Rod Stewart. Are you a fan?
Jeff: Rod Stewart was one of those acts growing up I associated with my parents so I wasn't a fan but as I got into my own style of music and realized I was a classic rock guy too then yes, there are several songs of his that I enjoy!
Me: So, are you looking forward to Christmas? What are your plans this year?
Jeff: I am looking forward to Christmas. The usual plans, albeit slightly out of order so we can spend it with my cousin's young son. What about you? Any plans?
Me: Going to some special people's houses I think. Okay, let's talk about football. The Titans took away the Giants chances from being in the playoffs. The Giants didn't even bloody score. I'm so irritated. They didn't have a chance to be in the playoffs anyway, right?
Jeff: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the Titans didn't take away the Giants chance at the playoffs, the Giants took away their chance. With the exception of last week, the Giants have had a crappy season. Again.
Me: True. This sucked... did you see during the second quarter the Titans-Giants game in New Jersey, Titans QB Marcus Mariota showed off his “grown man strength” by laying out Giants LB Alec Ogletree with a vicious block on a Derrick Henry run? Asshole. Hahaha.
Jeff: I must have missed that. But if a linebacker got taken down by a QB, is that really the quarterback's fault?
Me: True. What football stories do you have this week?
Jeff: The biggest news of the week is once again the health of Eagles QB Carson Wentz. He will miss his second straight game with a back injury. Meanwhile Nick Foles looks to lead his team back to the playoffs and possibly another run to the Super Bowl. In other news, the Patriots lost! And the Cowboys got shut out! HAHHAHAHAHAHAH!
Me: Ha! Britain has taken over another team, Jeff...
Jeff: I'm not going to lie. I don't even know what that's a logo for.
Me: Ha. Okay, the Giants lost as we all know. I didn't beat you this week, right? How did we do?
Jeff: This week, the Steelers won and the Giants lost. I went 1-1 and you went 0-2. So my lead has grown on you! It's now 38-33.
Me: Ugh! Okay, this week's picks for me are Eagles by 8 and Panthers by 2. What do you say?
Jeff: My picks are Chargers by 8 and Rams by 4.
Me: Okay, I will see you here next Thursday for the last entry of 2018. Can you believe that? Have a good Christmas, Jeff, I hope you get what you want.
Jeff: Merry Christmas to you, to your readers... and just because I will never get to say this and have him read it (possibly) Merry Christmas, Rod Stewart.
Awe. Poor Elf. So, there's a guy who is stuck in the 90s and has a problem with a popular Christmas movie that came out in the 90s and wanted to say something about it. So, I thought okay... why not? Please welcome back to the Phile...
Ed: Hey, man, what's happening? Happy holidaze.
Me: Hey, Ed, so, what is your deal with what Christmas movie?
Ed: Well, the older I get, the more I wonder what Kevin McAllister's dad did to afford this house and a vacation to Paris for nine people.
Ed: I know, man. Crazy, right?
Me: Yeah. Is that it, Ed?
Ed: Yeah, man, I'm not gonna go and have some eggnog. Merry Christmas.
Me: Back to you. Ed Enistink, kids, the guy who lives in the 90s.
October 15th, 1943 — December 18th, 2018
Schlemiel! Schlimazel! You're dead!
A battle for the ages is raging on a suburban street in America, and we haven't seen such Christmas decoration drama since National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. The story takes place in Florida, because of course it does. It all started when Diana Rowland... a "former cop" and "former morgue tech," according to her Twitter bio... erected some giant inflatable dragons in her front yard. Rowland's neighbors apparently didn't take kindly to the display. They sent her an anonymous note, which has more than a hint of Bible-thumping sass to it. The note reads, "Your dragon display is only marginally acceptable at Halloween. It is totally inappropriate at Christmas. It makes your neighbors wonder if you are involved in a demonic cult. Please consider removing the dragons. May god bless you and help you to know the true meaning of Christmas." After getting the anonymous letter, Rowland embodied the true meaning of Christmas by spending more money on giant plastic dragons. They're red and green, as a concession to her neighborhood's self-appointed holiday police. Rowland is steadily amassing an online fan base of fellow dragon enthusiasts. They've even offered her money to spend on more and more dragons, but she's declined, instead suggesting they make charitable donations. Her followers took her seriously. One person donated to save abandoned penguin chicks in South Africa. How's that for the spirit of Christmas, killjoy neighbors??
Hahaha. So, a friend of the Phile has a very special Christmas message for everyone. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...
Basically, it comes down to this... if you’re offended by an old Christmas song... if you’re offended by someone wishing you a Merry Christmas... if you’re offended by statements pro or con about our President... if you’re offended by someone paying you a compliment on how you look... if you’re offended by the fact that someone doesn’t agree with you... if you’re offended by someone’s opinion... if you’re offended suddenly by something that never bothered you before everyone else became offended by it... if you’re offended by jokes... if you’re offended by the fact that others aren’t offended by the same thing as you... if you’re offended by someone because they have respect for the police and the military... if you’re offended by how someone else celebrates a faith based holiday... if you’re offended by how someone dresses... if you’re offended by someone else’s taste in music, movies or TV shows... then fuuuuuuuuck you. Life is far too precious to waste so much as a nanosecond of my time on your negative bullshit. #IchooseHappiness.
Yesterday at a federal courthouse in DC is the sentencing of Michael Flynn, Trump's National Security Adviser for a mere three weeks, who was forced out when it was revealed that he lied about his conversations with the Russian ambassador and later pled guilty to lying to the FBI. Casual viewers of The News will most likely remember Flynn as the dude who lead a "lock her up" chant about Hillary Clinton at the 2016 Republican National Convention. Russia investigation superfans such as myself (see you at MuellerCon?) know Flynn as the dude who was a paid to represent a foreign power over American interests while working on an American presidential campaign. Since pleading guilty, Flynn has cooperated with the Mueller investigation, and was so helpful with providing damning intel that the Special Counsel's Office recommended he serve zero jail time. That didn't stop Trump from opening his big mouth on the ongoing legal drama, and tweeteing out a message to Flynn that legal experts (and people who know what words mean) are calling witness tampering. "Good luck today in court," he said, sounding like the mom in Freaky Friday. "Will be interesting to see what he has to say, despite tremendous pressure being put on him, about Russian Collusion in our great and, obviously, highly successful political campaign," he added, which doesn't sound mob-y at all. Legal experts are saying that Trump sending a message to a witness is witness tampering, an act that is illegal as to protect the integrity of criminal proceedings. Trump also must be out of the loop with his own legal team, because Rudy Giuliani's hot new take is that collusion is not a crime. The tweet also raises the question, "why is the president cheering on a convicted felon?" Jailbirds of a feather flock together?
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "They're Carol's."
Mistletoe
Mistletoe is an evergreen plant which produces oval leaves, white berries, and sexual harassment lawsuits.
Phact 2. We frequently abbreviate Christmas as Xmas because of ancient tradition. X is the Greek letter “chi” which is an abbreviation for the word “Christ” in Greek.
Phact 3. An artificial Christmas tree would have to be reused for more than 20 years to be “greener” than buying a fresh-cut tree annually
Phact 4. The Nazi party tried to turn Christmas into a nonreligious holiday celebrating the coming of Hitler, with Saint Nicholas replaced by Odin the “Solstice Man” and swastikas on top of Christmas trees.
Phact 5. The U.S. playing card company Bicycle had manufactured a playing card in WW2. That, when the card was soaked, it would reveal an escape route for POWs. These cards were Christmas presents for all POWs in Germany. The Nazis were none the wiser!
Okay, here we go, I'm so exited... today's pheatured guest is a British rock singer and songwriter. He is one of the best-selling music artists of all time, having sold over 100 million records worldwide. His latest album "Blood Red Roses" is available on Amazon, iTunes and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Rod Stewart!
Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile for this Christmas special. It is such an honor to have you here. How are you?
Rod: Hello, Jas. Alright, mate. I'm doing very well.
Me: I can't believe it, you've been making music my whole life... over 50 years. What went through your mind when you signed your first record deal?
Rod: Freedom to be able to express myself and do what I wanted to do.
Me: You remember that day well?
Rod: I remember distinctively. When I went to my first audition at Decca I turned up a week early and they said, "Sorry, Mr. Stewart, come back in a week." No, it was wonderful to make the first album. The thing is I wanted to get all my friends which were the Faces at the time and get them all into the studio and just have a lovely time with a couple of bottles of wine and see what we can come out with. As I said it was like freedom, freedom I could do what I wanted to do. Sing some songs that I loved, write some songs. On that first album I had a lovely song by Ewan MacColl called "Dirty Old Town." It was a long time ago, Jas.
Me: Is what you wanted to do changed since then?
Rod: No, not really. I just want to get my feelings down and tell some stories. I like telling stories. Nearly all the songs I've written have a beginning, and end and a middle. My enthusiasm is still there, I think that is what you're trying to find out. And it really is, I love the recording process more now than I did back then.
Me: Do you ever get nerves or pressure?
Rod: No, no nerves, no pressure, mate. That's probably why I'm enjoying it so much. Obviously I'm not going to sell as many records as Taylor Swift or whatever but then again I had my moments selling millions and millions of albums. I just enjoy what I do and I enjoy the music I'm making and hopefully people along the line will listen to it and my fans for a long time will listen to it as well and it'll have some bearing on their life.
Me: Well, I love the song from the new record called "Didn't I." Did you write that song? What is it about?
Rod: Well, it's a song that is sort of like a drug beware song from a parents stand point. That's all I can say about it. If you listen to the lyrics it says it all. Try to warn a teenage daughter about the down side of taking drugs is what the song's about.
Me: Is it a personal song?
Rod: It is and it isn't. I can't say any of my children had any big problems with drugs. Maybe one of my sons had a bout with drugs but there's a lot of tragedy out there with opioids or opiads, whatever they're called. That didn't spur me on to write the song, I don't sit down and think I'm going to write a warning to parents type of song. It's just the way the song came out.
Me: Are the personal songs harder or easier to write?
Rod: They're easier for me. There's a song on there about my friend who passed away about four years ago that I've known from the 60s. I have to wait for the right vehicle to write the right track to come along to write the lyrics to. I'm not the sort of guy who write the lyrics and puts it to the music. It's the other way round.
Me: Yeah, "Farewell," is a beautiful song. It brings tears to my eyes.
Rod: Thank you, Jas.
Me: I love your version of the blues standard "Rollin' and Tumblin'." When did you first hear that song?
Rod: I've been singing that ever since I was a teenager, when I was with Long John Baldry. It's a very familiar song to me. We just updated it and I'm very pleased with it.
Me: I love the way you interpret other people's songs. I love the album "When We Were the New Boys." How do you decide what songs you're gonna do?
Rod: I don't. It's just got to appeal to me, whereas the lyrical content or the melody. It's got to be the right combination.
Me: Do they have to have a meaning to you?
Rod: No, it just has to be a song I want to sing. If I want to sing it I'll sing it.
Me: Are their any sings that are so sacred to you you're almost afraid to do a version of them?
Rod: Yeah, there are songs. I mean for instance I would never sing "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. There are certain songs but by and large I can mold the songs in my own way and in my own style. But that one, "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke I wouldn't dare to sing that.
Me: Why is that?
Rod: It is very sacred to me. It's the last single he had out before he was murdered. It's just ironic that happened to be about the civil rights movement. Then he was gone.
Me: You knew my dad and played football with his brother, my uncle John in the late 60s and early 70s when you were in the Faces I think. I have to show this poster here...
Me: What was it like at that time in your life? I bet it was fun.
Rod: It was a wonderful time, it was with the Faces. All hell broke loose when the Faces came about. They came about just the right time I believe when people were taking music to serious. I think song like "Had Me a Real Good Time" sums it all up. We had some wonderful days together.
Me: When did he Faces split up and why, sir?
Rod: I think the band eventually split up in '75. Woody went his way and we lost Ronnie Lane. It all just fell apart, which is sad.
Me: What did being in the Faces give you that you kept throughout the years?
Rod: I learnt how to drink properly. Ha ha ha. I learnt how to party properly. We were a bunch of tearaways all right. Good days we had.
Me: Weren't you guys banned from a certain hotel chain?
Rod: Yeah, we were banned from the Holiday Inn's because we used to break televisions and behave badly. Most of that was brought around, which seems pretty delinquent now, we were treated so badly by the Holiday Inn's. The room service was always closed and so we used to take it out on chairs and tables and televisions. So in the end we were banned by the Holiday Inn but that didn't stop us because we used to check in as Fleetwood Mac who were also unknown in those days.
Me: Haha. I have to mention "Maggie May," which Rolling Stone calls one of the greatest songs of all time. I totally agree. Is it true that song was a B-side first?
Rod: Absolutely. It nearly didn't make it on the album. The record company which was Mercury at the time said we only have nine tracks, we need ten. So I said we've got this one track, I haven't finished it yet. They said to finish it off and bring it in. It was "Maggie May" and they didn't think to much of it because it didn't have a hook in the middle of it. So they said, "That will do, we'll plonk it on the album." "Reason to Believe" was the single and "Maggie May" was the B-side. A disc jockey in Cleveland turned it over and that was it. I wouldn't be talking to you today if he hadn't done so.
Me: Foghat's "Slow Ride" wasn't supposed to be the big hit either. Life is weird. What does that type of thing tell you about the music business?
Rod: Well, it tells me one or two things. You got to trust the label in what they say. Especially nowadays because they really do their homework. It wasn't my idea to have "Didn't I" as the first single but it turns out it had done very, very well. It was all a bit hit and miss in those days, whereas now if I may use the word there's a bit more science goes into it, choosing the first single. Different days, Jas, different days.
Me: Can you imagine starting now with streaming on-line and putting songs up on SoundCloud or YouTube? Can you imagine having to start out now?
Rod: No. It frightens the life out of me. My daughter has just been signed by Sony in Nashville, she's a country singer who has a little band called the Sisterhood. It's very difficult for her. It's hard to get played. When you listen to the radio now there's so much great music gone previous that people want to hear that's been made through the 70s, the 80s and the 90s. The channels are getting clogged up a little bit. It's very, very difficult. I'm glad I came through in the early 70s when everything was relatively brand new. People were crying out for music.
Me: On the road when you do concerts you play all your old hits. Is it still fun to play those old songs?
Rod: Of course it is. Yeah. I always say of Sam Cooke, or my idols were alive like the old Temptations, if they didn't do the songs that made them famous that I purchased I'd be furious. I want to hear the old songs. But by the same token I have to bring some new stuff in, which is what I do. And then I tell the audience to give it a massive round of applause. I tell them it's a new song and I say, "You got to give it a big round of applause." And they do at the end.
Me: My dad always said to me they could always tell they're the new songs because they'll clap before it's over. Do you agree?
Rod: That's about it. You got to con them. What I say is, "Just make out like you just listened to 'Tonight's the Night' and give it the biggest applause you've ever done." They always do and that makes me feel better and it makes the song feel better.
Me: Do you feel that the big popular songs are still yours, that they still belong to you?
Rod: No, no I don't. They're still my children. I gave them birth. They still belong to me.
Me: So, a lot of artists in your generation of music like Bob Seger, Elton, Paul Simon who has been on the Phile, are doing or have done farewell tours. Can you see yourself doing that?
Rod: Um, yes I can. It's not time for me yet. Although all good things must come to an end. I can understand Paul Simon and Elton, they want to be around their kids. But I manage to being my three young kids because I tour in the schools holidays. My other kids joins me on the road when I'm there. They say they wanna see their dad and they come out on the road. They love it for a few days. I understand those two, it's not something I'm thinking about just yet but all good things must come to an end so it will end one day.
Me: It's so great you take the kids out on the road. We used to go on the road as kids ourselves and see my dad in concert. It's fun, right?
Rod: Yeah, they say they want to see me and I go come on then, let's go. I book them hotel rooms and we have some fun.
Me: How old are they?
Rod: They're all in their twenties and in their thirties and I've got two little ones, seven and twelve-year-old.
Me: Are you allowed to go and stay at a Holiday Inn with them? Haha.
Rod: Yeah, all is forgiven. I don't stay at the Holiday Inn's anymore. Ha ha ha. Bit more upmarket.
Me: I understand. Speaking of Elton, I read that you guys are "friendemies." What does that mean?
Rod: Yeah, friendemies. We're still at it now, I'm probably going to get in touch with him and see how this new album does. He's in his 300 date retirement tour which I smirked at. I thought it was robbing the public, I thought it was a big cheap so I'm not in his good books at the moment. I love him dearly though, he's a good pal.
Me: How did that start with you two having fun with each other in the press?
Rod: Do you know I don't really know. We were both discovered by once again Long John Baldry. Long John gave us our names. I'm Phylis and Elton is Sharon. I don't know how it started. We used to live very close to each other in the 70s in England and one thing led to another.
Me: Rod, do you have any advice for young musicians who are gonna start out next year?
Rod: All I can advise is you have to feel the music, want to do it, feel it with a passion, got to be a burning desire in your chest to make music. No there excuses. Don't do it because it's trendy or something. If you do it forget fame, forget money, just do it because you love it.
Me: Nice. Rod, it's such a thrill to have you on the Phile. Thanks so much.
Rod: Thanks, Jas, bless you, mate. That was a lovely interview. Merry Christmas to you and your readers.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz, Laird Jim and of course Rod Stewart. That was amazing. The Phile will be back next Thursday with the last entry of the year. The guest will be... get a hold of this... Jeff Goldblum! Yep! Crazy, right?! Spread the word, not the turd. don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody!
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker
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