My Life Is A Very Complicated Drinking Game

Season's greetings, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. Did you hear Rodney King was shot? Who says it's good to be king? Man, talking about a shitty life. First he gets the crap beaten out of him in 1991 which started the L.A. riots, now he gets a bullet in the face. You must, MUST hear St Louis Cardinals' manager Tony La Russa's attempt at reciting the alphabet during his DWI stop in March. He gets the A at the start, but whiffs on the terminal Z, and kinda overlooks some of the mid-major letters through the middle. And he has a law degree! Does anyone like Emeril, apart from my mother-in-law? Food Network is kicking Emeril Lagasse down a notch. The celebrity chef's "Emeril Live," which has been on the air for 10 years, will cease production Dec. 11. The Food Network will continue producing Lagasse's "The Essence of Emeril," though. Except for their will be some changes. "The Essence of Emeril"will be about something he finds in the bottom of his laundry hamper. Neil Diamond held onto the secret for decades, but he has finally revealed that President Kennedy's daughter was the inspiration for his smash hit "Sweet Caroline." This is seriously creeping me out. Didn't he also write a song about 
E.T.? Arizona police are offering a $2,000 reward to anyone who can help them catch the suspect who allegedly raped a 1-year-old Russell Terrier, MyFoxPhoenix is reporting. And you thought shit like this only happened in Florida. Last Friday was 
my 39th birthday. One more year until my life starts! Actually, they say fifty is the new forty. But for me, it feels like 80 is the new 40. 

R.I.P.

Dr. Robert Cade, who invented Gatorade and sparked the multimillion dollar sports drink industry: Gatorlaid to rest.
Verity Lambert, the first producer of "Doctor Who": Silence of the Lambert.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1864
The Sand Creek Massacre, in which the US Army sent soldiers into an indian encampment, slaughtering 300 indians. The Cheyenne and Arapaho had been given an American flag to prevent such an event from occurring, but an army colonel chose to disregard it.
1944
Malcolm X, then known as small-time criminal Malcolm Little, was arrested for larceny. He received a three months suspended sentence and one year probation.
1961
The US sends the chimpanzee Enos into space, on the Mercury Atlas 5 capsule from Cape Canaveral.
1986
Death of 82 year old Archibald Leach, better known as Cary Grant. While rumors of Grant's sexuality have been around for years, consider in perspective the words of US congressman Bob Dornan, spoken on the House floor: "I do not think Cary Grant was a homosexual or bisexual. He just got carried away at those orgies."
1987
The KAL flight from Abu Dhabi to Bankgok explodes due to a bomb planted by North Korean agents, off Burma. All 115 aboard were killed. The two agents responsible take suicide pills in Bahrain while they were being questioned.
2001
The "quiet" Beatle George Harrison silenced by cancer.
2007
I finish my first week of training in my new job.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

HEROES

For the second to last episode of the season, I found the last episode a bit slow. It had it's cool parts but I looked at my clock a lot throughout the episode. Overall, I think "Heroes" has come a long way since the beginning of the season. I think many "Heroes" viewers are just spoiled from the novelty and plot twists of the first season so they are critical when stories/characters aren't up to snuff. But, that said, I am looking forward to the season finale. As the ads keep saying, "It all comes down to this." Some things that happened in the episode was Claire punching the car window was sublime. Claire's not really that tough so it struck me as a little amusing that she would threaten Elle who has proven to be nothing other than a sadistic psychopath (and way tougher than Pom Pom). It was still a good moment though. After all, Claire is one of the good guys so I like seeing her stand up for herself. Monica finally became St. Joan (though it didn't last long). I loved when she came into Micah's bedroom to tell him she would help. Monica is essentially kind at heart so I find it easy to like her. Sylar killed Alejandro then answered the door as if he just jumped out of the shower. I missed the bad Sylar. He has been way too restrained these past few episodes. I have wanted his power to return since he killed that girl that was babysitting him in the jungle. Hiro told Peter that he was on the wrong side and ran at him with a samurai sword. That was bad-ass. I have no other way to describe that.

DOCTOR WHO

Good news for "Doctor Who" fans, in particular fans of actress Billie Piper, who played the part of Rose Tyler from the show's return in March 2005 until July 2006.
The British actress will be returning in no fewer than three episodes in the forthcoming series -- set to air in 2008 -- giving the Doctor three companions over the course of series four. Piper's character was stranded in an alternative universe (forever, it seemed) at the end of season 2, but she will now return for a three-part story arc -- and with a bit of luck, we'll see her team up with Martha Jones to vie for the Doctor's affections.

NUTTED BY REALITY

The "Amazing Race 12" spent a second episode in Burkina Faso, but there, it introduced one of two new game elements that are supposed to be unveiled this season. More often than not, these elements—the Yield and, to some degree, the Intersection, which has the potential to slow one team down—are either ignored by the teams or don’t have that much of an impact. But on its first appearance, theU-turn was actually used, and left one team so far behind they couldn’t recover. The theme for this season seems to be animals. There have been many challenges involving animals, and this episode, for no real reason whatsoever, the teams had to carry a live chicken to the mat. “No chicken, no check-in,” their instructions said. Ronald talked to his chicken, saying, “it’s okay little birdie. It’s only temporary; you’re out for dinner.” He might have also said “you’ll be dinner”; the squawking chickens made it tough to hear. Shana bonded with her chicken, and told Jennifer, “Let’s name the chicken Phil” because “he’s cute like Phil; he looks like Phil.” She also said the chicken had Phil’s hair, and the editors showed us a black-and-white shot of Phil running his hand through his messy hair as proof. Jason said, “We’re not quitters, that’s for sure. … Hopefully everybody starts making mistakes, and we just don’t make any, and we continue onward.” And hopefully, unlike every other team to make similar statements during the race, the editors aren’t just foreshadowing your elimination. “You can’t speak to me in dance terms,” Nate said to Jen, as she tried to teach him how to dance.
Phil introduced one of this season’s new twists: “A U-turn is found at the end of a Detour. Teams can use the power of a U-turn to slow down another team, forcing them to backtrack and complete the other side of the Detour they did not previously complete.” Announcing her team’s decision to not use the U-turn, Jennifer said, “We’re going to win this race like freakin’ men.” She did not, however, scratch herself for effect. When his daughter asked if they should use the U-turn, Ronald decided for them, and declared, “We choose not to use the U-turn because we’re not dead last.” Um, if you were dead last, you could only U-turn yourself, right? Smart move.
“That’s a really good picture of us,” Shana or Jennifer said, after U-turning Lorena and Jason. Jennifer was convinced that the bad karma of the U-turn wouldn’t be worth it, but Shana said, “it’s for $1 million, and I’m not risking it for someone to be mad at me.” Referring to agitated chickens, Hendekia said, “They’re going to the market to get eaten, so they have a reason to cry.” Because the chickens weren’t causing enough drama on their own, Phil explained that the Roadblock involved carrying “an unwieldy amount of supplies, including a potentially uncooperative goat.” But the goats were tied up in laundry baskets, and were only able to raise their heads up and bleat at the team members. Performing a dance in front of three judges, two men and a woman, Jason said, “I feel like we’re on "American Idol" right now. In Africa. I wonder if that’s Simon, or that’s Paula Abdul.” Lorena looked at the woman, and said, “Come on, Paula!” The six most anticipated words of the season were spoken by Ronald: “Okay, okay, I shut my trap.” As two teams raced for the mat, one of their camera operators was clearly visible for a few seconds, before he artfully ducked out of the way. It remains impressive how well the camera and sound crews manage to stay out of sight. During the footrace, Jennifer whined to Azaria and Hendekea, “Come on, you guys, you got first three times.” After coming in second, she continued complaining to Phil. “I just feel like everyone should get their time, and they’ve their time two times before this,” she said. Then get there first, you stupid idiot. It’s a race, not a sharing party. In the cab on the way to the mat, Vyxsin broke down. Later, she explained, “Some of the things that we have seen are absolutely heartbreaking, and yes it’s a race, and yes we’re focused on a goal, but we’re also not blind. And it was difficult for me to experience seeing such wonderful people have so little.” “If we don’t get eliminated, we are going to screw over the blondes,” Jason said. “We might not be done yet. Have hope.” But they were so far behind that not even positive affirmations could help them catch up, and they went home, the U-turn’s first victims.

GEEK TALK

Rumors, more rumors ... and I wonder what Brendan Fraser is doing for Chanukah ...
According to Lying in the Gutters, plans are currently in the works to send the X-Men universe straight to DVD. Not talking about the highly-anticipated Wolverine or Magneto flicks -- those will remain on the big screen; however, they may take some other, lesser-known X-Men characters (like the one based on me -- Lazy Fat Man) and shovel out a series of lower-budgeted DVDs. Additionally, and this may or may not be related, director Joe Carnahan recently teased readers of his blog with an image of Juggernaut, followed by the line "I'll let you guys go nuts on this one." Could he be in line to helm or produce a Juggernaut DVD spin-off? Or is that his way of telling us Vinnie Jones (who played Juggernaut in the film) was cast in one of his two upcoming flicks, Killing Pablo or White Jazz? Guess we'll know more soon. It's been rumored for months now that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (did you see the newly released pics?) will involve some sort of alien encounter. Well, according to Movieweb, they claim to have inside knowledge on the aliens featured, and -- guess what -- we've seen them before. Yup, I won't spoil the entire what-to-do, but let's just say director Steven Spielberg might be looking to pay homage to an older film of his by including the same creatures in his latest adventure. While it's only a rumor, Spielberg is known for doing stuff like this in a number of his films, so I wouldn't put it past him. Question is: Will it turn out to be totally lame, or, even better, will anyone even get the reference? Head over to Movieweb for the complete spoiler-ish rundown.

MOVIE BUZZ

Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins
In a surprising casting rumor, Christian Bale may star in McG's sequel as John Connor. That sounds great, but with the way Edward Furlong and Nick Stahl's careers have gone since starring in T2 and T3 as the same character, I'd advise Christian to stay far, far away.
Chain Letter
The Saw guys are working on their next horror hit, a slasher flick about a serial killer who offs teens who don't pass along his chain e-mail. Next, they should make one about people who experience terrifying results after answering one of those penis enlargement spams.
The Incredible Hulk
A fan-made video shows star Edward Norton walking down the crowded streets and into a rundown store in Rio. And you know what happens when Ed can't find his usual iced caramel macchiato? Hulk smash!
In Bruges
Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes and Brendan Gleeson shoot a nonstop hail of bullets and swear words at each other in this NSFW trailer. I liked all the cursing. With all of their thick accents, those were the only words I could understand.
Watchmen
Director Zach Snyder has uploaded some great photos from the film's Vancouver backlot that looks exactly like grimy NYC streets circa 1985. The only question is if this specific photo reveals the superhero Rorschach or if that's an extra dressed as a highly realistic flasher.
Be Kind Rewind
Jack Black and Mos Def star in homemade trailers for their fake RoboCop, Ghostbusters, Rush Hour 2 and Boyz N the Hood flicks, complete with cheap special effects and lame-o dialogue. Ironically, all movies in the future are going to sound this cheesy if they don't clear up that Writers Guild strike.
Jungle Cruise
Since Pirates of the Caribbean turned out to be such a lucrative franchise, they're making a feature film based on this other classic Disneyland ride.  As long as they don't make a movie about the Mad Tea Cups.

And now for two movie reviews...
MR. MAGORIUM'S WONDER EMPORIUM starring Dustin Hoffman, Natalie Portman, Jason Bateman, Zach Mills. Mr. Magorium (Hoffman, with dorky hair and a lisp that he somehow pulls off without making you want to choke him) is a 243-year-old toy-store owner. Add to this odd fact the way that his toy store is magic and the toys are alive, responding to the disposition of the employees. And when it's time for Magorium to pass away (he seems to know it's coming soon and is actually really OK with it), he wants to give the store to his favorite employee (Portman). I'll confess. I was dreading this film. Movies aimed at children have become so hip and knowing and harsh that it seems like there's almost no more room left in the world for a gentle, G-rated movie that isn't designed to sell tie-in merch, doesn't have smart-assy kid characters who know more than everyone else, isn't full of gross product placement for random other stuff (they do bounce on a Simmons mattress in another store here, but whatever). So I'm stunned to report that this one goes out of its way to be none of those awful things. The worst you can say about it is that it's goofy and whimsical, but its heart is squarely in the right place, it gets the balance right in just about every way, and it earns its sweetly moving finale without pouring on the goo. That's almost a miracle. The best toy was a sock monkey that just wants to be loved. But I don't want to give too much of that away. I just never thought I'd have my coal-black heart touched by a needy sock monkey until I saw this. Maybe I'm in a weakened state from having to watch too many other terrible films. Anyway, now I love sock monkeys.
Jason Bateman, as the accountant who can't feel joy, keeps everything from floating off into Candyland, offers a dry touch of real-world disbelief in a movie that needs someone to be that guy or there'd be no trusting it. From 1 to 10, I give it a 10!
BEOWULF starring Ray Winstone, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Hopkins, Robin Wright Penn, Alison Lohman, Crispin Glover and Nick Jameson (who used to be in Foghat).
I shouldn't even have to tell you the story. You were supposed to have not blown it off when it was assigned in high school. But here's how it goes down: Beowulf battles the big giant monster Grendel. Kills Grendel (that's not a spoiler). Then he sort of "compromises" himself with Grendel's mother, who's not nearly as monstrous-looking as her son. Anyway, because Beowulf was thinking with his junk, the curse on the kingdom continues. This is why women should run all countries. This movie is 98 percent awesome (I'll get to the 2 percent lame in a minute) because the 3-D and the animation are that mind-blowing. Stuff comes at your face, from behind you and from below you. It's enough to make you sort of queasy if you're not ready for it. Anyway, the fight scenes — and there are plenty of them — are as exciting as anything you've seen in a movie all year. Who cares if it's all motion-capture and digital effects? It's not like you can do a live-action movie where someone fights a real sea monster. You're lucky you live right now instead of a hundred years ago when they had polio and no 3-D. That other 2 percent? First, there's the matter of the dialogue, which sounds like people at a Renaissance fair drinking Pepsi and shouting, "Ay, wenches! This be fine mead!" But that's okay. It's not a documentary. The bigger problem is that they still haven't quite gotten human faces down yet in this motion-capture-animation stuff. Most of the time, Beowulf looks good, especially when he ages, but the secondary characters, and almost all the women save for Jolie (who sort of resembles a cartoon character in real life anyway) have blank expressionless doll faces, and it's sort of creepy. Beowulf enjoys his own nudity. He fights naked. He lounges naked. He likes to recline on stone steps in the nude while having casual chats with his warrior comrades. Make him mad, and the first thing he does is rip off his shirt and start fighting you like he's waiting for Playgirl 500 A.D. to come shoot him for their centerfold. Oh, and nice Austin Powers gag there, Robert Zemeckis, covering Beowulf's mysterious cartoon man-bits with other people's arms, swords, andirons and other penis-shaped objects. That was funny. Stay for the credits and count the digital animation people who are all probably really, really exhausted by now. For example, I counted nearly 40 names that worked on cloth and hair. That's it. Weeks and weeks of animating cloth and hair. Next time your boss makes you restock the plastic-cup lids for an hour, you think of that and count your blessings.

Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. Check out the Peverett Phile at Myspace as well as the new Foghat site on Myspace at myspace.com/foghatmusic. And coming
soon at Foghat.com...Loentz's Emporium. I am working late next Thursday so the next entry will be done either on Thursday night late or Friday morning. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Peace!