One's Too Many And A Hundred Ain't Enough

Hello, pholks, and welcome to the 100th entry of the Phile! Or as my wife calles it: one hundred days I wasted my time. You know, if the entries were years, it'll be a century. If the entries were pennies, it'll be a dollar. So, it's Biketoberfest time here in Florida, which
is not to be confused with the lesbian festival: Dyketoberfest. Wow, two jokes I made up myself, I am on a roll. Big week in Washington. President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.” Experts were worried about China’s reaction to President Bush’ meeting with the Dalai Lama. Bush said he doesn’t think his meeting with the Dalai Lama with damage our relationship with China. “But this might,” Bush said as he took a huge bite out of a panda bear sandwich. Yesterday, the world’s oldest blogger celebrated her birthday. She turned 108 years old. Unfortunately she only got two gifts — a bikini and a webcam. When she dies, I'll be the world's oldest blogger. The New York City subway system announced that it will hire 350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the number of workers cleaning the subway to 350. Tiger Woods is getting his own sports drink Gatorade Tiger. I’m trying to get my own Snapple flavor. Jason, Snapple — Crapple. The New York Times reports England is fighting a war of the squirrels. Gray squirrels vs. red squirrels. This is bigger than Alien vs. Predator, Rosie vs. Trump. Here’s what’s going on: The red squirrel is a native of England. It’s a small brained, red-headed, big-eared creature. But now, there’s a new kid on the block: The American gray squirrel. He’s bigger, he’s obnoxious, his fur is so bushy it looks like fake fur. Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he’s not even thinking about running for president because he’s thinking about the Heisman trophy. Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no Britney — we want a picture of your face.” At JFK airport the FBI arrested baggage handlers who apparently took part in a cocaine smuggling ring. The FBI became suspicious when they noticed the handlers were losing the luggage twice as fast. Madonna signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing “express yourself,” she’ll be singing “I wet myself.” There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. This is the first time the words divorce and fair are being used together in the same sentence. It’s going to be a two-day extravaganza with lawyers, and mediators, and private detectives, fun-filled rides with signs on the rides that say, “You Must Be THIS Bitter to Go on This Ride.” What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I need some Space Mountain. Matt Lauer sat down with Idaho senator and bathroom aficionado Larry Craig. Craig continues to deny that he solicited for sex. It was fun to watch the senator sit there with his wife talking about how gay he isn’t. I would have encouraged them to make love on camera to prove it. According to an article on the fashions and styles of the presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are the best dressed candidates. Not only that, Dennis Kucinich was voted the most likely to shop in the children’s department. Forbes magazine has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. This year’s list includes Oprah Winfrey and 300 members of her studio audience. Last Friday I got to play Goofy for a bit. I was so excited when I put on the costume. I was told, "Jason will no longer exist on the planet, and Goofy will take his place." When I told my wife, she said "You didn't really disappear, you just put on a costume."

DISNEY'S AMERICA

For more than 50 years, Disneyland has captured the imagination of its Guests with timeless fantasy worlds that enchant, delight and create memories that last a lifetime. This morning Disney CEO Bob Iger and Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Chairman Jay Rasulo unveiled a significant expansion for The Disneyland Resort, bringing even more of the park's magic to Disney's California Adventure (DCA). This multi-year project, which will include fantastic new entertainment and major family-oriented attractions, is a continuation of the growth strategy for the Anaheim Resort Area, further solidifying its position as a multi-day, world-class tourist destination From Pirates and Disney Princess to "High School Musical" and The Year of a Million Dreams, consumer demand for outstanding Disney experiences has generated record performance at The Disneyland Resort over the last several years. This new vision for Disney's California Adventure will further satisfy this demand by creating even more opportunities for Guests to enjoy the best of Disney storytelling with new attractions featuring characters from The Little Mermaid and Toy Story, as well as the addition of an all-new themed "land" entirely dedicated to Cars. Spanning 12 acres, "Cars Land" will transport Guests to the heart of Radiator Springs, where they will meet all of their favorite characters from the film and experience three new attractions, a Cars-themed dine-in restaurant and retail. "Cars Land" is also a great example of how the full creative resources of Pixar are being used in amazing new ways to reinvent and expand Disney's California Adventure. Opening next summer, Toy Story Mania! will add an exciting element of interactivity and energy to the Paradise Pier area. The Little Mermaid attraction will highlight the film's most memorable scenes and songs, and an amazing new nighttime spectacular, Disney's World of Color, will incorporate water effects, colorful lighting and music to bring the story of Disney animation to life along the Paradise Pier waterfront. One of the most significant changes to the park will be the Entry Plaza and Gateway, where Imagineers will recreate the 1920s Hollywood that Walt Disney first experienced when he arrived from Kansas City with little more than his imagination and determination. Much as Disneyland's Main Street celebrates the nostalgia of Walt's childhood at the turn of the century, the new Walt Disney Plaza will welcome Guests to historic Los Angeles and pay homage to Walt's experiences as a young artist with big dreams. The park will remain open to Guests throughout the expansion process, but when officially dedicated in several years, the reinvented Disney's California Adventure will be an even better complement to Disney's flagship park.

I WANNA TALK ABOUT ME

So, I told you about my experience being Goofy's "friend", right? Well, i got a nice e-mail about it. And this is what it said: What an honor we had this morning in helping make Jason's "Dream Come True" with an in costume experience. Thank you for allowing us to be part of this! We had a great time with the entire group (13-Professional Interns) and Jason Peverett (Epcot Cast Member with Disney 20 years).
It was not only fun to watch everyone "become friends" with their favorite Disney character, but truly amazing to see Jason's eyes light up and a genuine smile on his face after his experience. It is times like this, that we can all say, what an amazing company we work for! Where ALL of us have such a wonderful opportunity to make dreams come true both "on stage" and "back stage"! This will be a day we will never forget! A first for all of us! Thank you Jason for doing such a great job today! Again, thank you from the entire Entertainment Training Team!

R.I.P.

Deborah Kerr: Perennial loser. Six Oscar nominations and not a statue to show for it. She should have switched to porn.
Joey Bishop: If it wasn't for him. we'd be Regis-free...

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

An adult nightclub in Casselberry is offering free flu shots to Central Floridians. Rachel's Gentlemen's Club launched a free flu shot service at the business located on Semoran Boulevard in Casselberry. The flu shots will be free from noon until 4 p.m. for residents who are 55 years old and older. And given out by stripper Nurse Nancy.

TODAY IN HISTORY

I can't believe I forgot to do this pheature again last week. The most regularly done pheature and that's twice now I have forgotten about it.
1945
The USSR's nuclear program receives plans for America's plutonium bomb, courtesy of secret agent Klaus Fuchs at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.
1968
A police raid nets 168 grains of dope resin in the apartment of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. The couple is fined UKP 150.
1969
In Hawaii, Jefferson Airplane member Paul Kantner is charged with possession of Maui Wowie. "If you can remember anything about the sixties, you weren't really there."
1974
The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, based loosely on Ed Gein's story and originally titled "Headcheese," opensin theatres. One critic describes the film as "a vile piece of sick crap," containing "unrelenting sadistic violence as extreme and hideous as a complete lack of imagination can possibly make it." The movie is later banned in Germany and the UK.

SHARPENING AXES

Okay, so you know this is the 100th entry of the Phile, right? Well, here's some other 100 facts.
The number of years in a century.
A 100 year old person is known as a centenarian.
The number of runs required for a cricket batsman to score a Century, a significant milestone.
The number of pounds in an American short hundredweight.
The number of subunits into which many of the world's currencies are divided; for example, one euro is one hundred cents and one Pound Sterling is one hundred pence.
The denomination of the U.S. hundred-dollar bill with Benjamin Franklin's portrait; the "Benjamin" is the largest U.S. bill in print.
The denomination of American savings bonds with Thomas Jefferson's portrait.
The denomination of American treasury bonds with Andrew Jackson's portrait.
The number of the first folder of photos in the DCIM folder created by a brand-new digital camera (or after a change of memory card if the camera is set to auto-reset numbering).
The number of tiles in a standard Scrabble set.
In Greece, India and Israel, 100 is the police telephone number.
In Belgium, 100 is the ambulance telephone number.
In United Kingdom, 100 is the operator telephone number.
Hundred Days, aka the Waterloo Campaign.
"The First Hundred Days" is an arbitrary benchmark of a President of the United States' performance at the beginning of his term.
The record number of points scored in one NBA game, set by Wilt Chamberlain on March 2, 1962.
100 is the HTTP status code indicating that the client should continue with its request.
On "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine", "The Hundred" refers to a group of 100 young changelings sent out to explore the galaxy.
Historical years: AD 100 or 100 BC.
The minimum distance in yards for a Par 3 on a golf course.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: Why did the guy cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: What’s a redneck fortune cookie? A: A piece of corn bread with a food stamp baked inside.
Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

NUTTED BY REALITY

Is it me or was there really not much to get up in arms about this week on "Kid Nation"? No killed animals, no steer taunting, no religious rivalry, no bullying. What's this show coming to, eh? Well, there was a smattering of bad behavior, but we're talking kids here. Some of these kids could be teensy adults, y'know. A lot of them certainly are more worldly than I was at their ages. And, the show reminded me that I should really study up on the chronological order of US Presidents. I definitely know the ones in my own lifetime, but I surely would put Taft in the wrong place.

HEROES

This week saw the introduction of Micah's extended family, the return of a clean-shaved Nathan Petrelli and the answer to who is Molly's monster. This episode was pretty boring and uneventful. Minus the big twist with Parkman's dad being the man in Molly's nightmares, I didn't feel like the story progressed much. I guess Nathan shaved his beard, which should be enough of an accomplishment for one episode, but somehow I felt a little bit short changed at the end of the episode. However, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting Monica and the merger of the Sylar storyline into Maya and Alejandro's. The episode most likely felt stagnant not because of what they put in it, but rather what they left out: Peter and Hiro. This is the first episode of "Heroes" this season that we don't get to see the two biggest protagonists and their absence is greatly felt. Since their plots are either geographically or temporally removed from the others, it is easy to use them when necessary and set them on their own trajectory. I really hope that the writers don't plan on leaving their stories out too many times during the season, because I don't know what I would do without my favorite heroes.
Because Peter and Hiro's storylines are the most interesting, in my opinion (and that is why you read my right? for my opinions?), I would rather have their plots switch off from episode to episode (maybe covering more depth) than have to forgo their presence in an episode ever again. But that might be a little bit selfish of me. Plus next week Kristen Bell starts her story arc, which from the previews seems to revolve around Peter, so I doubt we will be seeing less of the younger Petrelli. Hopefully that doesn't come at the expense of missing out on some Hiro heroics. 

GEEK TALK

Talk of a Wolverine movie have been ongoing since (I think) right after X2 came out, and the project has been moving forward (slowly but surely) since that time. Now comes word from Variety that the Hugh Jackman spinoff project has claimed a release date, changed its title (slightly), and promises some new mutants that we haven't seen yet ... as well as some old young friends. May 1, 2009, is when the Gavin Hood-directed Fox action movie will make its debut, and when it arrives it'll most likely be called X-Men Origins: Wolverine -- which means we can probably expect to hear some fresh news about X-Men Origins: Magneto some time soon. It also looks like Liev Schreiber is close to signing on as William Stryker. Yes, he'll be playing the younger version of the Brian Cox character from X2. According to Variety, the story "explores the claw-wielding character Wolverine's violent and romantic past, and his complex relationship with Victor Creed and the ominous Weapon X program, as well as his encounters with other mutants." (The Wolverine screenplay comes from Troy writer David Benioff.) And since Mr. Hood is presently scheduled to shoot some of Wolverine in New Orleans, that's led to some speculation that Gambit may be among the new mutants.

MOVIE BUZZ

Star Trek
Seems like the Enterprise has finally gotten its new captain. Relative unknown Chris Pine will be starring as James Tiberius Kirk in the sci-fi redo. I just hope he doesn't fly too close to the sun, because then the ship will just reek of Pine Sol.
The Eye
In the spooky trailer, Jessica Alba stars as a blind woman who gets an eye transplant, but her new peepers force to have scary visions of ghosts. If she wants to see something really scary, she should be forced to watch Rise of the Silver Surfer in an endless loop. I'm just kidding, I loved that movie.
Trailer Trash
Torture-porn fiend Eli Roth says his next film of all-fake movie trailers will actually be a comedy in the vein of Monty Python and the HolyGrail. You know, I always felt that the Black Knight scene was the inspiration for the Hostel films.
J.C.V.D.
Who knew Jean Claude Van Damme could be funny? But he's a riot in the four-minute promo video in which he tries to win the lead role in his own biopic. Hey, screw the biopic. They should relaunch the Rush Hour franchise with him in the Jackie Chan role.
Kept
Producers of the Saw franchise are branching out, and their next film will be a more slash-happy semi-remake of Fatal Attraction, in which a businessman cheats on his wife while on a trip. The sick thing is he cheats on her with a creepy little puppet.
Hellraiser
Clive Barker's horror classic is getting an update by a French filmmaking duo, Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo, who claim this won't be a strict remake and will star an all-new Pinhead. Gérard Depardieu, perhaps?
Burlesque
The next big Hollywood musical will be this one about a young woman who gets involved in the world of neo-burlesque, which director Steven Antin describes as "singing, dancing, comedy and more tease than striptease." You know, it's kind of refreshing when a filmmaker promises his movie will have less nudity instead of more.
Untraceable
Diane Lane tracks down a psycho killer in this trailer. The victims are slowly tortured and killed the more people visit a website called Kill With Me. Of course, they'd die much quicker if he called the site Free Pictures of Naked Celebrities.
Big Eyes
Ed Wood screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski's next biopic will be on Margaret Keane, the woman who painted all those pictures of kids with big, black eyes. I can't look at that woman's work and not be completely freaked out after seeing that creepy little kid in The Grudge.
Benighted
They're making a film based on the novel in which 90 percent of the Earth's population are werewolves. Know who benefits the most when almost everyone is covered in fur? Shampoo companies.
Dune
The Kingdom's director Peter Berg is rumored to be filming another adaptation of the sci-fi novel about an alien who tames an army of giant worms. If he can train worms, I wonder if that dude could also talk to spiders. If so, I need him to come over and stop the swarms that keep invading my house, like, now.
Love Ranch
Joe Pesci's first major role in almost ten years will be starring alongside Helen Mirren. They'll play a real-life couple who opened the first legal brothel in Nevada. Shoot, I was hoping his big comeback would be in Gone Fishin' 2.

There you have it, phans, the 100th entry of the Phile. I am still hoping to have 3000 views by Christmas, and we're doing good so far. In next week's Phile, we'll take a look back at the last 100 entries, in Peverett Phile 101. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Thanks for reading.