Pheaturing Lamont Dozier

 

Hey kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? A wedding ceremony at a Catholic Church in the nation of Zambia was interrupted in arguably the most bizarre and terrible way possible. It wasn’t a bridesmaid admitting she slept with the groom or the best man or a groomsman saying he banged the bride. Not a mother-in-law going bananas. Not the ring-bearer losing the ring. Those are quaint wedding day disasters compared to what went down here. The worst way to have your wedding interrupted is to have the groom’s other wife show up, it turns out. Actually, just kidding. Another wrinkle is required. The worst way to have your wedding interrupted is to have the groom’s other wife show up… with their kids. This lady has a damn baby on her back and is like, “THAT IS MY HUSBAND HERE IS GENETIC PROOF!” Not only that the woman went on to claim that the groom had sex with her that morning. Usually when a groom’s family member ruins a wedding it’s a drunk uncle not his first and still current wife. It goes without saying she was not on the wedding guest list. So at this point it’s a miracle the bride didn’t get out of her wedding dress and tell the caterer to give her a whole bottle of vodka, the wedding cake, and an entire serving dish of the pasta. Guessing this moment won’t make it into the wedding photo album. Some people say they want their wedding/wedding reception to be crazy or fun or wild. This isn’t true. Because this is what an actual wild wedding looks like. 

That or the mother of the bride having a drunken meltdown. Or a fistfight between two uncles over Trump. No one actually wants their wedding hashtag trending on social media. Because that means your special day was a special hell. Shout out to the wedding planner, whose job it is to make everything go off without a hitch. Don’t beat yourself up. You could’ve never seen this coming. I am so sorry for whatever the rest of your day looked like. 

A Utah jogger had a terrifying and nearly deadly encounter with a mountain lion that seemingly would not end while he was out for a run in Slate Canyon. Twenty-six-year-old Kyle Burgess of Orem, Utah was running a trail in the Utah wilderness when he noticed a pretty unfriendly looking cougar following him. Burgess said the cougar sighting included a couple of cubs and so he assumed the cat was being territorial. The female cougar, however, was not content to simply growl and watch Burgess go on his way. The cougar... or puma or mountain lion or whatever you want to call this big cat because this particular species has like eight names... continued to follow Burgess over a long distance, threatening to pounce again and again. Check this thing out...

Multiple times the cat lunged at Burgess and it looked like a mountain lion attack was imminent. This was not a happy kitty cat. Unsure of whether or not he was going to have to fight off a cougar attack with his bare hands or not Burgess again and again attempted to maintain eye contact with the animal, and make himself as big possible and make lots of noise. All things that hikers are recommended to do when they come into contact with a cougar. He also smartly avoided turning his back and running, which is the exact last thing you want to do when faced with a cougar. Or maybe it was, really. Your house cat would straight-up murder you if it could. Regardless, Burgess was eventually able to escape the cat’s territory without being harmed… at least physically. At the end of the video this guy sounds absolutely mentally and physically exhausted. His body thought he was on the verge of death. Adrenaline had to be absolutely coursing through his veins the entire six minutes, which felt like six life times. Despite the fact that the video is basically a panic attack-inducing infomercial for never leaving the city... it’ll also have you screaming, “PICK UP A ROCK!”... it is actually a great illustration of what to do if you encounter a cougar. These cats are basically everywhere in North America and the United States. From Oregon to Colorado (where it’s definitely a “mountain lion”) to Florida where it’s a puma… or a panther, like Miami’s hockey team? And they aren’t only found in remote areas. Joggers in California have been attacked by mountain lions numerous times, to say nothing of pets. 

The world’s most unfortunate police officer was caught on film hanging upside down and with his pants off, presumably, after a foot chase gone horribly wrong. This law enforcement officer, who appears to be from the United Kingdom, is going to need to transfer police departments. If he can even get another cop job. He might not even get to be a security guard after this.

He can never say anything again. Nothing he can say or do will trump the pics and videos of this. And he needs to change his name. He’ll never be able to loo his police chief in the eye or even go to the grocery store without feeling shame again. Hell, he might end up as a Halloween costume in the U.K. this year. He needs to pray there’s some real bad coronavirus pandemic news that will force everyone to stay inside in a lockdown until they forget he ever existed. What happened to his police car? Apparently he thought he’d do better on food but that, uh, clearly isn’t true. This poor bastard. As the video shows, this police officer apparently pooped his pants. Not only did he fail at climbing a fence. And then fall. And then get his pants caught on the fence. And get left hanging there. In his tighty-whities. Then… he crapped himself. Or maybe that happened during the chase. It doesn’t matter. In the history of police forces there may not have ever been a more embarrassing image. This is painful. For the first time ever in their lives there are probably people feeling bad for a cop. And how could you not, really? This guy just got owned like he was a cop in a cartoon about a lovably mischievous raccoon who’s always getting chased by some daffy policeman. 

A University of Missouri online class had an interesting interruption when a fraternity prank intruded onto the screen in order to “kidnap” one of the students remotely attending the class. The rest of the lecture was left chuckling and speechless as their classmate was dragged away to the Epsilon fraternity house basement where he will undoubtedly be taught until the next morning about how important community service and fundraising are to the chapter. “I’m assuming there’s a frat rush going on?” Class was going about as well as an online class could go. The professor was teaching, everyone was paying some percentage of attention to her, and this kid was sitting in his room watching. Then he looks up. Three masked fraternity brothers are standing on the other side of the screen. Clearly, his day is about to take a turn. The next thing he knows there’s a pillowcase being put over his head and he’s definitely aware that he isn’t in high school anymore. Definitely a funny, harmless pranking so, presumably, the fraternity has already been kicked off campus for hazing. There’s actually a decent chance that this kid wasn’t being messed with but, rather, what we saw was a regular college prank messing with a random class for the lawlz. Those are, in my opinion, the best pranks that happen on college campuses. There aren’t a lot of things funnier than some pointless 200 person lecture... that the professor doesn’t even care if you attend... getting absolutely derailed by pranksters, whether it’s something elaborate or a kid just screaming “POOP” and then running out of the lecture hall giggling. It might get eye rolls from the girls in Kappa and every other sorority but dammit it’s a good prank. 

Last year, we saw plenty of political Halloween costumes. Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, you name it! If you’re thinking about going as Trump this year, go for it. However, I have something better in mind. The blue suit, MAGA hat, and red tie are funny, but this Ride-on Donald Trump costume is gold. 

I have never seen a Halloween costume that made me laugh so hard. Whether you love or hate President Trump, this costume will make you laugh, cry, or do both simultaneously. The funny costume is available on Amazon. Amazon’s customer reviews are fantastic. Many customers are raving about all the compliments they got. A customer gave it a five-star review and said, “I got a lot of laughs, especially when Trump was out on the dance floor doing his groove.” This high-quality Donald Trump Halloween costume is one of the best adult costumes I’ve seen yet. Even hours after watching the piggyback ride video, I’m still in tears. It’s hysterical! This piggyback costume could probably win just about any costume contest at a Halloween party! Imagine wearing this to a Trump rally. That would be a great prank. I bet that would get you your 15-minutes of fame on Facebook or Twitter. Hell, possibly even the news! Couples, consider going as Melania and Trump. Ladies, grab whatever fancy dress you have in the closet. Men, wear this Donald Trump costume. By the way, this is not might costume this year. I do have my costume already and it's a good one. 

October is breast cancer awareness month, so if you’re naturally a lover of pink, you’re probably all set to support breast cancer awareness. While many organizations sell breast cancer awareness month T-shirts, some are beginning to sell breast cancer awareness masks. I love this idea so much! I think this could speak volumes to many people who aren’t fans of masks. Someone just a few feet away from them could be battling cancer or know someone who is. Keeping the vulnerable safe is something we’re all capable of doing. All it takes is a mask. Here’s a mask that combines the American flag and the breast cancer awareness logo. It’s neat, and is only 15 dollars...

Do your kids like Barbie? Well, here's a new one that just came out...

That's funny. So, I saw this pic the other day of Kamala Harris and it reminded me of something. 

And then it hit me... 

Hahahaha. Sorry. I just had to. It's pumpkin spice season, kids, some companies are taking it a little bit too far...

Gross. Do you kids like Hot Pockets? A new kind just came out...

If you like Mountain Dew check it out, kids. 

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Complaints By Parents Today 

5. Had to quit my job so I could read emails from my kids' schools full time.

4. My 4-year-old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, "Put your shoes on, dammit!" So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

3. The only thing longer than 2020 is the list of passwords for my 7-year-olds online classes.

2. Alexa, homeschool my kids today. 

And the number one complaint by a parent today is...

1. It doesn't matter where you're sitting if a child needs to tell you something they will sand directly between you and the television. 

Frisbee

Dog catcher

From relaxed shit-eating grin to tired sack of shit. Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jeff, shall we?

Shit, it's raining so hard there it's hard to see anything. Oh, well. Now for some sad news...

Roberta McCain 

February 7th, 1912 — October 12th, 2020 

Died at 108, outliving 2 of her 3 kids. Pretty badass, honestly. 

Joe Morgan 

September 19th, 1943 — October 11th, 2020 

Considered the greatest second baseman of all time. Sorry. That's all I got. Sports figures with NO scandals are just impossible. The guy was even accused of being a drug mule, and that turned out to be completely false. If I come up with something, I'll let you know.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!" 

This is cool... today's guest is is an American singer, songwriter and record producer, born in Detroit, Michigan. He has co-written and produced 14 U.S. Billboard number 1 hits and 4 number ones in the U.K.  He is also the author of the 137th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club... How Sweet It Is: A Songwriter's Reflections on Music, Motown and the Mystery of the Muse. Please welcome to the Phile the legendary... Lamont Dozier.

Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile. I'm so honored to have you here. How are you? 

Lamont: Thank you, I'm fine. 

Me: So, your book How Sweet It Is is the 137th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Anyway, how did you guys come up with "Stop! In the Name of Love" come about? 

Lamont: It was quite disturbing for a while. But good things came from it. I was being a little naughty, you might say by being in this place this no tell motel. I was found out by my main squeeze we used to say. Well, she found out where I was and was knocking on the door, loud and shouting about who was it that I was with in this motel. I let her in after the other girl left, going out the back door. She came in and naturally I lied about it, saying I was there sleeping, I was tired and worked hard at the studio. And I was coming here to get away from things for a while. One thing led to another and she was arguing and said I was lying. I finally said, "Please, there's nothing happening here and nothing is going on. Please, just stop in the name of love." And she said, "What? That's not funny." I said, "Wait a minute, did you hear what I said? Stop in the name of love. Did you hear the cash register?" Ha ha ha! 

Me: Did you mean "did you hear that cash register that this is going to make me a lot of money, what I just said?" 

Lamont: Yeah, that's what I meant and I was laughing about it. I was trying to cut down and defuse the moment. It became a big hit for the Supremes. 

Me: Yeah, it was their first number one hit on the pop charts, right? 

Lamont: Yes, one of ten number ones that I co-wrote for the Supremes. 

Me: You've written over a hundred songs, sir, what one is your favorite? 

Lamont: "Bernadette" by the Four Tops. 

Me: So, why is this for favorite and was "Bernadette" a real person? 

Lamont: As I said in the book the key step in may awakening was discovering girls. Bernadette, I had to have been 11-years-old at the time and she was too in elementary school. She was my first muse, you might say. She was an Italian girl and a beautiful Italian girl, and I fell in love with her. You know, puppy love. She was somebody I remembered every time I sat down to write a song. And in later years, I thought about her, and the way I felt, and I was able to conjure up those feelings to write other songs, thinking about Bernadette. She was very instrumental in a lot of love songs. 

Me: Did she know you existed at all, if you know what I mean? 

Lamont: Yeah, she stood up for me once. 

Me: What do you mean? 

Lamont: There was a parry going on for one of the kids in our class, she invited everybody over. But when we got to the party the girls father said, "He can't come here and come in." Bernadette said, "Why not?" "Well, he just can't." Later on we found out it was because I was black. I realized what was being done and I told the rest of the kids that they should have fun and I'll be all right. Just go on and enjoy themselves. I guess I was 11 or 12 but that was the first thing I ever came across with racism what you might say. That was the first time I was pushed into feeling that way about my color and who I was and that type of thing. But I learned a lot about it in life when I feel these things. It was very upsetting but I learned about it all of course. 

Me: Did it change the way you saw yourself or did it change the way you saw the world around you? 

Lamont: No, it didn't change anything, it made me stronger if anything. Made me feel that there were a lot of changes in the world that had to be made and this was my opportunity to be one of the fixers by writing about it whenever I had the opportunity. 

Me: Sir, where are you from? 

Lamont: I grew up in Detroit and one of my classmates was Aretha Franklin who was already singing in her father's church by then. 

Me: You worked with Aretha when you were both adults. What was it like to hear Aretha sing when she was a kid? 

Lamont: Oh, wow, it was amazing. A couple of friends at school asked me to go along with them, asking me if I want to go see Aretha. I said, "What do you mean Aretha? Is Aretha singing or something?" "Yeah, she's fantastic." They called her Sister Re and guess she was about 13 or 14. So that Sunday on the up and coming day she was appearing at her father's church I was there in the church with the rest of the crowd and she started singing and playing the piano and it blew me away. She always had that God gifted talent. Matter of fact it did a lot for me singing and to write like she was doing and it gave me a lift. It gave me an inspire to want to be in the music business in a big way. She was just extraordinary. 

Me: So, when did you start writing songs, sir? 

Lamont: Well, in junior high I had this business of writing love letters. 

Me: What? What do you mean? 

Lamont: It was a way of making a little extra money you might say. Word got around these love letters would change their lives but they had to get them from the Candy Man, and I was the Candy Man. Ha ha ha. I would write all these songs, I was just doing the words but I was saying all the right things. I knew what to say and I knew what girls wanted to hear. Sure enough it worked for the guy who needed help. 

Me: Are you still working as the Candy Man? 

Lamont: Sure, Jason. But it went into songs, that's when I started writing songs. 

Me: So, how do you know what to say from a women's perspective? 

Lamont: I don't know. I guess it was because I stayed with my grandmother for a long time when I was a kid. I used to hear the women in the house where my grandmother had a beauty salon. I used to clean up there when the hair was on the floor or whatnot. I used to hear this stories where the women were heartbroken or just tired of being misused by their husbands or boyfriends. I would just peak in and listen to all these stories that the women would tell. But they stayed me with somehow or another, they stayed with me, and I sat there thinking if this happens to a women what does a women want? Then I sat there realizing that women wanted that and the other and I compiled all the information and I started to write about it and write little poems and whatnot about how to treat a women and what a women wants. That's how it started, as a kid, writing poems for women and becoming the candy man for love letters and whatnot. 

Me: Did you ever have your own band, sir? 

Lamont: Yeah, my first band was the Romeos. We had a single called "Fine, Fine Baby" when I was still in high school in 1957 when I was 16. 

Me: When you hear that song now, or think about that time what do you think? 

Lamont: I haven't that song in oh, God, years. A long, long time. I forget how the thing sounds. It wasn't a great record but what happened was it got me a deal at Atlantic Records. 

Me: How did your classmates and teachers act to this success you had? 

Lamont: I became a celebrity over night. Ha ha. With not a great song but enough to make everybody feel hey, we got a star in our midsts. It gave me an inspiration to really stay with it. The group was short lived, we didn't stay together for that long. But it gave me the inspiration or determination you might say to go ahead and really make it big wit this music. 

Me: One of my favorite songs you wrote is "Nowhere to Run" which my dad covered with Lester Chambers from the Chamber Brothers in the 90s. I love that song! When I hear that song I think of the Vietnam War, as it's on the Good Morning, Vietnam soundtrack and in the movie. Does that song have anything to do with Vietnam? 

Lamont: Yes, I wrote that song after attending a going-away party for a man who'd been drafted and was shipping off to Vietnam. 

Me: Man, I was right. What was that night like? 

Lamont: That night, this friend of a friend of mine had this young guy who was being shipped over in the Vietnam War. He was frightened about it. He had a premonition of sorts and he felt like he wouldn't be coming back. It wouldn't turn out well for him, they thought. And so I was trying to make him feel better and give him all kind of inspiration about being positive and whatnot. As he thought and felt that's what happened, he was gone a couple of months, six months or something like that, and sure enough, on the battlefield, he was killed. I was just really destroyed by it because he was so afraid. He just knows that's what would happen, and it did. 

Me: In 1967 there were riots in Detroit, did the song have a different meaning then? 

Lamont: Yeah, Motown was a company of many races. We had all different kind of people, white, black, Chinese, Mexican, that ran the company, that worked behind the scenes. When they had the riots there I remember people coming down with tanks and whatnot rolling right down the street outside of Motown Studios on West Grand Blvd. It was very disturbing and I didn't believe that. It was a hell of a sight to see. I felt like I was in Vietnam myself or something. I had to take out some of my white friends who worked there, we had to lead them out the back door so they wouldn't be accosted or hurt. I had to lead them to their car out at the back of the building and help them gat away so they wouldn't be hurt. It was just a terrible time with the race problem we had in those days. We still have them today unfortunately but that song brought back those memories. 

Me: With the familiar scenes happening now, with the George Floyd and others getting killed, how does it make you feel? 

Lamont: It takes me back to that time. We're still dealing with the same issues, a lot of the same issues. But we'll overcome them, we always do. That's a good thing about this country. 

Me: So, do you have any advice for someone who wants to write songs or to write anything creative? 

Lamont: Well, the thing is you have to write regardless if you think it's good or not. Still today I'm totally hooked on the process. As many hours you can in a day you have to have the determination. 

Me: Cool. Thanks so much for being on the Phile, sir, please come back again. 

Lamont: Thanks so much, Jason, I appreciate it.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Lamont Dozier for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Friday with singer-songwriter Jonathan Coulter. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Kiss your brain.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon