Pheaturing Jonathan Coulton

 

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Friday. How are you? Man, 2020 has been a mess for musicians, and it’s been unfortunate that live shows have been completely canceled this year because of COVID-19. Many artists have seized the opportunity to dip back into the studio to compose more music or have taken the time to experiment with their sounds. But if you’re a classic rock fan, which would mean you’re dedicated to the genre’s history, I hope with nothing else to do, you didn’t miss this. The Rolling Stones released a long-lost track of theirs that features Led Zeppelin’s Jimmy Page on guitar and it’s definitely an anthem. The new song “Scarlet” was actually recorded 47 years ago and debuted in July, ahead of the Brit rockers’ reissue of their 1973 album "Goats Head Soup," released back in September. It features 10 bonus tracks, including two unheard tracks, “Criss Cross” and “All the Rage." The Rolling Stones release was named after photographer Scarlet Lilith Page, the daughter of the Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page and French model Charlotte Martin. A press release of the song explained, “The layered guitar textures of ‘Scarlet’ make for a track that’s as infectious and raunchy as anything the band cut in this hallowed era.” It was written frontman Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and recorded back in October 1974. Jagger explained that it originated in the home of the English musician, Ronnie Wood, during a session with Keith and Jimmy. Keith had walked into the studio at the end of a Zeppelin session, to which Jimmy decided to stay in Ronnie’s basement studio and collaborate with them on the track. When Mick was asked why the song wasn’t initially released, he said that it “wasn’t a Rolling Stones record.” The reissue of "Goats Head Soup" is available on the Stones’ website, and it’s a four-album deluxe edition set that also features a 120-page book of rare photos and essays and four posters, as well as a two-album edition, both offered on vinyl and CD. According to the band’s website, the album will include demo versions, outtakes, and live performances. Mick said in a statement, “I really feel close to this album, and I really put all I had into it… I guess it comes across that I’m more into the songs.” The Rolling Stones was led by Mick and Keith since 1962, and the iconic classic rock band was set to tour this year on their "No Filter" tour, but since COVID-19 hit, it’s been postponed. Fans have also been raving about the music video, which features Paul Mescal from Hulu’s original series “Normal People,” comically drunk dancing in London’s Claridge’s Hotel. 

A Dollar General store in Martin, Kentucky was visited by a customer that makes Karens look downright pleasant. A wild, kind of angry bobcat. The epitome of, “I don’t get paid enough for this” is a wild cat coming into the store while customers and other workers freak. Thankfully the Dollar General store employees seemed to handle the bobcat that paid them a visit Wednesday evening pretty well. It definitely wasn’t inducing Halloween level scares. They called the cops and everything was taken care of in a pretty ho-hum manner. The Floyd County Sheriff’s Department, Prestonsburg KY summed up the event on their Facebook page. 

The wildcat was found in a deodorant aisle of the store (cats are so vain) and returned to the wild without any injury. Definitely not the worst fate a testy shopper has ever suffered. No word on how Dollar General is going beef up its bobcat security... they’ve got a COVID pandemic protocol it seems high time they start making contingency plans for more bobcats. Just because everyone in the states reveres the Kentucky Wildcats basketball team doesn’t mean that these animals should be allowed to wander in and out of public places as they please. Do they? Is this fake news? Misinformation? It doesn’t matter. I need to know KSP Troopers are on speed dial to handle bobcat emergencies when I’m in Kentucky, now. Which party is harder on bobcats? Republicans? Democrats? These are things I need to know now. 

“Silent, but deadly” just took a darker turn, especially for former Uber driver, Aleksander Bonchev. The poor guy was working in the U.K., already dealing with the worst kinds of customers, when one customer farted so badly, it ruined Bonchev’s life. Literally. According to Bristol Live, last year, Bonchev had picked up Kingswood’s James Mallett and three other people to drop them off at a local nightclub. Mallett let a fart out so heinous from the back of the ride, Bonchev had decided that this was the “final straw” having allegedly already suffered abuse from other unruly passengers. So he asked Mallet “leave the vehicle” for farting. As coined by the New York Post, “the odiferous incident” caused Mallett to challenge Bonchev to fight, striking the Uber driver in the head. Bonchev defended himself by punching Mallett in the face, knocking him off his feet. One of Mallett’s friends, a young lady, persuaded him to leave to which he did, only to encounter police officers later with a cut on his bottom lip while completely intoxicated. Mallett, obviously still needing to act in the most unattractive manner, was abusive to the police, which is how he got arrested. His flatulence led to Defense Lawyer Anthony Bignall defending his client’s behavior against Prosecutor James Scutt. He admitted to the assault occasioning in a court testimony and it got him a six month-jail term, a $650 fine, and 120 hours of community service. However, his jail sentence was suspended for 18 months. And what about Bonchev? Well things turned out for the absolute worst for this U.K. man and actual harm came to his life. He got a broken finger during the fight which caused him to not be able to work. Because of that, he lost his Uber job, his car and house, and has returned to his home country of Bulgaria. All because of this gass-enger flatulent fare. This is hilarious, but it’s also such a twisted story. Uber drivers are already at risk for COVID-19 from the hands of other passengers. Let’s treat one another with more respect, yeah? 

The Alaska State Parks department is reporting that a black bear had a “violent encounter” with a family, including a child, while the family was out on a hike. According to officials from the Alaska State Parks conservation officers, black bears, brown bears, and grizzly bears across much of North America are preparing for hibernation and, thus collecting as much food as they can. Due to a reported shortage of food in the area this attack occurred, some bears are starving and getting desperate for the calories they need to sleep out the winter. Alaska State Parks officials shared the news to their Facebook page. 

These bears need food, and they don’t care if they have to wander into your backyard or the middle of a hiking trail in Yellowstone National Park. From California to Colorado to Canada nothing is going to trump their need to satiate their hunger. Simply put, if you are out in a bear habitat in the backcountry the chance of a mauling isn’t zero. Be prepared. Keep yourself safe from black and grizzly bear attacks. Carry bear spray (a very strong pepper spray) if you think you’ll be in an area that may have aggressive bears. A firearm works too if you’re qualified to use it. Basically don’t wander into the Yukon or somewhere in Wyoming or Montana totally clueless about the wild animals out there. “Bear Kills Hiker” is not a headline you want to be part of. A hungry male grizzly bear will not be messing around. A hungry anything won’t be messing around. There are squirrels in New York City that attack people eating in the park for their food. Some malnourished bear in Idaho won’t think twice about it.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe's third Spider-Man film hasn't even finished filming yet but it's been successful in generating a lot of buzz over the last couple of weeks thanks to the onslaught of casting news diehard web-heads have been receiving. One persistent rumor that has been making the rounds all over the Internet for quite some time now is that both Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield have been approached by Marvel Studios and Sony to reprise their Spidey roles in the upcoming film led by Tom Holland. Some sources even went as far as claiming that the two have signed on for the project. Now, amid all the fan excitement and anticipation, Sony Pictures Entertainment is coming out to once and for all debunk the said rumors. One representative simply told "ET Canada," "Those rumored castings are not confirmed." Production studios normally keep mum regarding casting rumors so it's interesting, to say the least, why Sony opted to comment about the reports. Of course, we should take everything with a grain of salt and that includes Sony's official statement. I don't wanna get everyone's hopes up (mine included) about the rumored casting of Maguire and Garfield and the potential of a Spider-Verse film happening in live-action form but for all we know, Sony might just be playing with fans and they could actually be saving the news' announcement for a later date. I mean, it's not like Marvel hasn't hidden any information from us in the past. For now, let's remain hopeful and look on the brighter side of things.

It's pumpkin spice season and some companies are taking it a little bit too far...

I love trying different beers but I ain't trying this. No way. Do your kids like playing Barbie dolls? There's a new one that is out now...

Homeschool mom edition. Man, that comes with a lot of stuff. Dang. So, I was thinking of getting a new tattoo but someone had the same idea I had...

Actually I love my iPhone. Speaking of Apple, they announced the iPhone 12 the other day. That got a lot of press but what didn't get a lot of press was another new Apple product, the Apple iVac. 

What do you think? Hahaha. So, some NFL teams are changing their logos, I have no idea why. Check it out...

I just shrug. Haha. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, here is...

Top Phive Things Said By Gen Xer's This Week

5.  You can call us Gen Xer's "Karen," if you want but if you understood us at all, it'd be "Heather."

4. We have a certain... ah... how do you say? Gen X sais quoi.

3. Some days I remember that Winona Ryder, the dark princess of Gen X, the coolest of the cool, is known among many young folks as the mom from "Stranger Things."

2. Gen X ending up not being remembered for anything but being cancelled is so Gen X.

And the number one thing said by a Gen Xer this week was...

1. You know, I roll hard with Gen X. I represent. I don't forget about us. I use my voice to remember our culture, as much as I can. But, I'm not going to lie. Avocado toast is goddamn delicious. 

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know, kids. Okay, here's a story from this crazy ass state...

If anyone reading this has ever asked themselves (or Google), “Can you swim with alligators?” then you will find the following pic relevant. 

Large alligators can kill human beings. They can kill small children. They will kill your small animals, like dogs, while you’re walking them near the water. People aren’t a natural food source for gators, but they’ll do it. It happens. Even small alligators will take a piece out of you. American alligators have a fear of humans, but they aren’t always committed to it. Screw around in a body of water in Florida, or on the water’s edge, and you might get a piece taken out of you. Take, for example, this genius, who was trying his hardest to get himself a freshwater grave. Or literally, turn himself into poop. For what it’s worth, the Florida Fish And Wildlife Conservation Commission does not recommend turning yourself into poop via a thousand alligator bites. As the above genius proves, no you can’t swim with alligators like they’re dolphins and you’re on vacation in Hawaii. That’s a one-way ticket to getting laughed at in the emergency room as you plead with them please stop writing about you on social media and treat your serious injuries. That said, in Florida and other places where there are alligator populations, you will see the predators in swimming areas. Mostly these gators keep to themselves unless you decide to smack them on the head or, worse, some idiots are feeding alligators, thus making them equate humans with food. Do NOT feed alligators. Also, don’t swim with them like this guy did.

Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jefferson, shall we? That's one of my favorite places in the world...

Yuck! It seems to be raining there again. 

This is so cool. The 138th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Yes! Jerry Seinfeld will be on the Phile in a few weeks. I cannot believe it. Can you? So bloody cool. 

That's a clue to who my guests will be. It's gonna be so cool. Now for some...

Phact 1. African Hunting Dogs “vote” to decide whether to go on a hunt or not. The most important animals in the pack need only garner around 3 votes; the lesser dogs need about 10. 

Phact 2. Elvis Presley’s identical twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, was delivered stillborn 35 minutes before his own birth. 

Phact 3. A group of pandas is called an embarrassment. 

Phact 4. There is a “one-electron universe” hypothesis which proposes that there exists a single electron in the universe, that propagates through space and time in such a way that it appears in many places simultaneously. 

Phact 5. A journalist named Walter Duranty wrote a series of reports denying that mass starvation in Ukraine (the Holodomor) was taking place. For that, he won the 1932 Pulitzer Prize in correspondence. To this day, the New York Times still refuses to relinquish the award.

Today's pheatured guest often called "JoCo" by fans, is an American folk/comedy singer-songwriter, known for his songs about geek culture and his use of the Internet to draw fans. His album Artificial Heart was the first to chart, eventually reaching No. 1 on Billboard's Top Heatseekers and No. 125 in the Billboard 200. And there's a reason I used the SpongeBob graphic for this interview which you will learn in a bit. Please welcome to the Phile... Jonathan Coulton...

Me: Hey there, Jonathan, welcome to the Phile. How are you? 

Jonathan: I'm good, how are you, Jason? 

Me: I'm good. So, I gave so many questions for you which is odd... not odd that I have lots of questions, but... never mind. So, either the most famous person no one never heard of, or the most anonymous rock star on the planet. Where did you start getting into the music business? 

Jonathan: In 2004 at a tech conference in main where I performed "Mandlebrot Set," a song about mat equation. 

Me: What the hell? What happened when you played that song at a tech conference? 

Jonathan: I played that song at a tech conference filled with tech company CEOs and scientists and big thinkers. When I stepped through that equation they leapt to their feet. They're probably the only people in the world who understood what I was singing about. They were very excited to see it on stage. 

Me: Did it feel weird that people got what you were in to and doing? 

Jonathan: Yeah, at that time I was casting around and seeing if it was possible to make a living as a musician and I almost came to the conclusion no I couldn't do it, nobody couldn't break into the record business if we didn't have a massive general appeal. That was the moment when I discovered there was sort of this niche, people who were very hungry for the sort of stuff I was doing. 

Me: What were you doing? Haha. 

Jonathan: Funny songs about nerdy topics. 

Me: That's cool, was that something you've always been interested in writing about? 

Jonathan: Yeah, from the beginning when I began to write in junior high school and high school I did a mix of stuff. I had two ways to go... one was to write a sad songs about my feelings and the other one was to write a funny song someone wouldn't normally write about. So I've been doing those two things separately and in various combinations since I started. 

Me: So, you wrote a theme song for a video game called "Portal," am I right? 

Jonathan: Yeah, in 2007, my song "Still Alive" became a massive phenomenon, but it wasn't your traditional radio hit or even your typical viral sensation... it first appeared as the closing theme in the hit video game "Portal." 

Me: I don't play video games but my son does, and half the people at work do. Do video games normally have theme songs? 

Jonathan: Millions of video games out there, most of them with their own theme music. Most of it is not heard outside people's living rooms, most people don't stream it on Spotify. 

Me: So, when did you realize "Still Alive" had a life of its own? 

Jonathan: Almost immediately. The day they released the game. The game itself was part of this other package of games and this was going to be a little bonus game that people would enjoy and not think about very much, and something happened. As soon as the game came out that song plays over the credits once someone has beaten the game. I think probably the same day someone has beaten it and posted the video of the credits and it just went nuts from there. It was clear immediately it really touched something off. 

Me: Do you have any idea why? 

Jonathan: Well, I think most video game music had traditionally been like a film score. It sort of happens in the background. The unique thing about this song the writers and I decided when we first met to talk about what we were going to do together for this game we came up with the idea of doing a number that is sort of like musical theater, to actually have a character in the game sing a song from their point of view which is a weird thing in the context of a video game. I think that's a part of it, I also give a lot of credit to the writers that created this really rich, hilarious/tragic character named GLaDOS who is artificial intelligence and is sort of out to kill you but also has her own emotional damage and is passive aggressive in this hilarious annoying way. Weirdly I think it's a character we could all relate to. 

Me: You've been described as this geek God or this nerd folk rock star, Jonathan. That description made me think, yeah, I need to interview you. Is that something that existed in you already or is that something you had to develop? 

Jonathan: Well, nerd culture was a different thing when I was growing up. I was born in the 1970, and in the 70s someone could be a nerd but it wasn't as big of a label as it is now. I mean nerd culture is also mainstream culture now. But in those days I grew up in a small town where there were no comic book shops. I didn't know anybody who played "Dungeons and Dragons" so it was kind of hard to fully engage with that part of the culture where I was when I was growing up. It was always part of who I was but only once I spent a few years writing songs and seeing what people responded to, right around the time of that tech conference that I noticed there was really a thing happening. That was a thing I was interested in writing about and it was the thing that people were interested in hearing. 

Me: Okay, that "Still Alive" song led to other stuff which is kinda cool, right? 

Jonathan: Yeah, Jason. Thanks in part to that song, I have managed to infiltrate pop culture in a number of interesting ways. Not only have I developed a huge online following for my funny, folky songs about computer coding, zombies, and shopping at IKEA, but I've also written songs for "The Good Fight" and The SpongeBob Musical. 

Me: The SpongeBob Musical got you a Tony's nomination and nominated for a Grammy. So, what's it like to go "mainstream"? 

Jonathan: LOL. I'm basically Lizzo. Her and I are basically the same. It's crazy, 2019 is going to be a hard year to top. I fear I may have peaked. 

Me: So, how did you get involved with the SpongeBob show? I have friends that are obsessed by it and when they showed me video clips from the show on YouTube I was like, "He looks nothing like a sponge!! He looks nothing like a starfish! This is bullshit!" Hahaha. I have to show a pic of the show...

Jonathan: The SpongeBob Musical came out of the blue. The producer got in touch and said, "We're fans and we'd like to know if you'd like to write a song for this Broadway musical." And I said, "Well, sure." It's not something I sort out but I think it's something my skills are well tuned to. It was a great deal of fun.  

Me: Were you a fan of SpongeBob beforehand? 

Jonathan: My kids watch that show and it was a blessing to find a piece of child friendly television that also has a layer for the grown-ups. I do appreciate it. It was a real thrill to work on that thing and it's amazing to have so many people have heard that song and I made it. 

Me: I have to say I love your song "Don't Feed the Trolls." You're singing about Internet trolls, right? 

Jonathan: Yeah, obviously the Internet is not the space it was when we first got on it when it was alt.Simpsons.net or alt.BattlestarGalactica.net. It's became a much bigger force, especially around gaming and sci-fi, it has become pretty nasty. I owe a lot of my success to the Internet. 

Me: How has that changed you? 

Jonathan: It's been a disillusioning stretch. I was always so excited about the future and when the Internet was first starting I really bought into this idea it was going to usher in this utopia here we were all going to be connected and gain global understanding with each other and see each others perspective and be brought closer together and it really felt that that was happening for a while and I still think there's some amazing things that have been made possible by the Internet but I think the lesson is wherever we go there we are. Now that everybody is on the Internet and now that various corporations have found out how to exploit it for profit it turns out we are the same flawed creatures we've always been. Now we just have these more efficient tools which to deploy those flaws. I'm still hopeful that we are on the very dawn of this change. This is a tool we will eventually figure out how to use appropriately. And we will in fact, in the long term, get to that place and being able to understand and listen to each other. We're not yet. 

Me: You're pretty popular online, so are you finding you're engaging yourself a little bit less because of it?  

Jonathan: Yeah, absolutely. I used to spout off constantly on social media and my website at its core was a blog and I can't member the last time I wrote a blog post. That It's true for many bloggers... except you apparently. LOL. It's a difficult time in the United States politically and there's a lot of bad news out there. There's a lot of people having arguments in public. It's hard to use social media in a way that doesn't ultimately become kind of toxic to ones mental health. So, yes, I have tried to curtail my reading and arguing in public spaces. 

Me: So, what's the JoCo cruise? 

Jonathan: Well, we started doing this in 2011. When I started touring I hooked up with this duo, songwriters called Paul and Storm who also wrote funny songs. We would travel around together and do shows together and we had the same booking agent that said, "Barenaked Ladies are doing a cruise, maybe you guys should do a cruise." Do you know about that? 

Me: Ships & Dip! I am a huge BNL fan and have CDs of their shows from the cruises. 

Jonathan: Yeah, Ships & Dip. I don't think they do it anymore. Anyway, we said, yeah, that's a hilarious idea... let's see if we could do that. When we did a little online poll and a bunch off people were excited about it. We launched it, this is a hilarious joke but let's see what happens. But 350 people paid to be on this cruise ship with us. It's just grown every year since then since 2011 and we are on our tenth cruise last year. It's a sold out cruise and we rented the cruise ship and it sold out with about 2,000 people. 

Me: Wow! Can you believe it? 

Jonathan: No, listen, this is not a thing that someone asked me 20 years ago how do I think my career is going to end up I would not have guessed as a cruise magnate. It's so much fun and I love cruises in the same way I love Las Vegas. It's kind of ridiculous and ostentatious and silly but it's fun. The community of people who come on this cruise are yes, nerds and geeks, but they really are kind and accepting bunch of people, They're super creative, they're generating their own fun on this thing. They're doing they own events, they are doing dance classes and a cappella groups and cosplay. we like to describe it as "It's Like ComicCon But Not Terrible." 

Me: That's cool. I'm not big cruise fan myself, but sounds like a blast. Would you call this a safe haven for geeks? 

Jonathan: Yeah, it is like a safe haven. When someone is engaged in geek culture their are these pockets of real intoxicaty there in fandom and in just in the way people interact with each other. It's not hard to find people who are just interested in being unkind to each other on the Internet. And we really stress that we want this community to be a friendly comfortable open accepting place. I'm really grateful to the people who show up and make it that way. 

Me: Jonathan, this was a fun interview. Thanks for being on the Phile. Please come back again, sir. 

Jonathan: Thank you so much.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jonathan Coulton for a cool interview. The Phile will be back on Monday with Phile Alum Tom Kenny, speaking of SpongeBob. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Kiss your brain. 

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon