It's Cohen down! I'm sorry, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? President Donald Trump's former "fixer"/lawyer/Barry Zuckerkorn from "Arrested Development" Michael Cohen testified before the House Oversight Committee on his ten years in the Trump Crime Family Organization. This hearing had everything: Love child rumors. Illegal payments to a porn star. The president allegedly committing crimes including suborning perjury, advanced knowledge of WikiLeaks' releasing Democrats' emails, and other crimes we don't even know of yet. It was a truly insane moment in American history. It lasted a short 7.5 hours. "Congressional testimony" is the formal phrase for "spilling the tea," and Cohen is revealed a lot, namely that everything you assume about the president is true: he is a racist who loves crimes. Republicans kicked off the hearing by arguing that there shouldn't be a hearing. They're clearly were not at all nervous about what Cohen has to say. Rep. Jim Jordan argued that the whole hearing is a conspiracy concocted to appease billionaire Tom Steyer, who wants to impeach Trump. Jordan, in addition to being one of Trump's staunchest allies in the House, was accused in a class-action lawsuit of looking the other way when the Ohio State University wrestling team doctor sexually abused the athletes. Jordan was the assistant wrestling coach for eight years, and clearly has Paterno instincts. Cohen opened up his prepared testimony with a thesis that should be the Democratic nominee's slogan in 2020: "I am ashamed because I know what Mr. Trump is. He is a racist. He is a conman. He is a cheat." The former "fixer" said that collusion is no illusion, "He was a presidential candidate who knew that Roger Stone was talking with Julian Assange about a WikiLeaks drop of Democratic National Committee emails." Cohen also suggested that Trump knew about the infamous Trump Tower meeting with a Kremlin-connected lawyer, getting suspicious when Don Jr. got so physically close to Trump's desk. "Sometime in the summer of 2017, I read all over the media that there had been a meeting in Trump Tower in June 2016 involving Don Jr. and others from the campaign with Russians, including a representative of the Russian government, and an email setting up the meeting with the subject line, 'Dirt on Hillary Clinton.' Something clicked in my mind. I remember being in the room with Mr. Trump, probably in early June 2016, when something peculiar happened. Don Jr. came into the room and walked behind his father’s desk... which in itself was unusual. People didn’t just walk behind Mr. Trump’s desk to talk to him. I recalled Don Jr. leaning over to his father and speaking in a low voice, which I could clearly hear, and saying, 'The meeting is all set.' I remember Mr. Trump saying, 'Okay good… let me know.'" Trump was also implicated in a domestic conspiracy to sway the election... committing campaign finance violations to conceal his affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels. These are the crimes for which Michael Cohen is going to jail. Donald Trump is still president. Cohen brought receipts, in the form of checks, showing that Trump directed the payments. "Thirty five thousand dollars and no cents," complete with Trump's heart monitor of a signature. Cohen said "shit" in Congress!!! Cohen swearing was funny, but the context of the dirty word was not. He described some of Trump's most racist comments, which are as racist as his policies: He said that Trump's presidential campaign was just a massive "infomercial" to Make His Brand Great Again and that his eye was on the prize: a Trump Tower in Russia. Cohen testified... and provided proof... that he threatened Trump's alma maters and the College Board with legal action if they ever released his grades or SAT scores. Yup, Trump's obsession with President Obama's grades is Freud 101. Cohen implied that the Trump Organization, and therefore the Trump family, and therefore the Trump campaign, were compromised by a foreign adversary because they were courting a deal in Russia. NBD. Cohen said he can't answer whether or not Trump colluded, but he can say that Trump's back-and-forth compliments with Vladimir Putin was fishy. And it gets fishier! Rep. Mark Meadows brought in a black person to try and prove that Trump is not racist. Cohen only reiterated his point. Rep. Paul Gosar put up a picture of Cohen's face with "liar liar pants on fire," because Congress is a kindergarten. Cohen berated the Republican members of Congress who are working to protect Trump, telling them that he is their future. Damn. He revealed that Trump is being investigated for even more crimes in New York, because you can never have enough crimes! He confirmed that Trump was so close to convicted Russian mobster and FBI informant Felix Sater, that Sater had an office on Trump's floor. Speaking of mobsters... Trump speaks like a mobster. He acts like a mobster, too. Rep. Ro Khanna straight up called lying about the Stormy Daniels payments "financial fraud." I hope Trump shares a cell with Billy McFarland. Rep. Ayanna Pressley clarified for the congressional record that Trump still be racist even though he has a black friend. "How can I be racist if I have black people living on my property?" -Thomas Jefferson. Rep. Rashida Tlaib called out Rep. Meadows for using a black woman as a prop, and Meadows absolutely lost his shit. "How DARE you call my racist stunt racist," he basically said. "I have members of my family who are people of color!" he literally said. Because this is America, the women of color (Tlaib and Pressley) had to apologize to him. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (heard of her?) successfully got Cohen to make the case for subpoenaing Trump's tax returns. House Financial Services Committee Chairwoman Rep. Maxine Waters has the power, and oh, it is on. In his closing statement, Cohen warned that if Trump doesn't lose in 2020, "there will never be a peaceful transfer of power." Sleep well, everybody! Okay, let's talk about something light and fun...
What is the opposite of toxic masculinity? I'm not sure of the exact terminology, but this story definitely fits the criteria. Dr. Nathan Alexander, a math professor at Morehouse College, helped out a student who couldn't find a babysitter by allowing him to bring the child to class. But he didn't stop there. He also offered to hold the baby for the entire lecture so that his student could take better notes. Don't worry, someone snapped a photo.
Because this is the sweetest, most adorable thing ever, it immediately went viral. People were so impressed by this professor's compassion, and some shared stories about when they were parents/students. Clearly, people were feeling the love. The student's wife caught wind of the story and shared her gratitude via a Facebook post. She wrote, "Seeing the outpouring of support from friends, family, and strangers for Assata and Wayne is a sight to behold. I can feel the genuine love and enthusiasm. We never asked for attention; all that I’ve personally asked for is authenticity in your love and support. We are new parents. Wayne works two jobs and is a full-time student. He's rarely at home because he's out there providing for us. With us being thousands of miles away from family and friends, I'm usually left with the baby to myself. Anyone who is and has been a new mommy understands how overwhelming it can get. Wayne wanted to give me a break. Plus, he'd get to spend more time with Assata in the process. It's a win-win. Thank you for encouraging us to continue to push forward. Thank you to black educators like Dr. Nathan Alexander for your compassion and understanding. This came at the right time. We plan and Allah plans; verily, Allah is the best of Planners." Alexandar even took the time to thank everyone for sending him kind words online. This man is... perfect. It's so nice to see a professor who supports and truly cares for his students. Being a student and a parent is incredibly challenging I am sure, and it makes a world of difference to have a teacher who understands that and steps in when needed. We can all learn from this professor. Men, take note.
Red Sox versus Yankees, Coke versus Pepsi, Backstreet Boys versus N'SYNC: three rivalries that inspire fierce loyalty to each side. And if you're a mother, there's an additional divisive issue you likely fall on one side of: breast milk versus formula. One mom experienced a disturbing incident in which her daycare provider made EXTREMELY clear which one she favors and it's freaking the Internet out big time. Dear Prudie is an advice column that Daniel Mallory Ortberg writes for Slate and sometimes the source of hilarious and/or infuriating letters. An adoptive mom who feeds her baby formula (because she's obviously not lactating) happened upon her daycare provider breastfeeding her infant. The provider claimed she was "saving the baby from chemicals [the mother] was trying to force into her body." The mom grabbed her diaper bag and ran, then wrote a letter to Prudie soliciting feedback. Though Prudie's the professional, commenters naturally had something to say. I mean, who wouldn't? And so the fight between Breast Is Best and Formula Is Fine rages on, with seemingly no end in sight. What's next? A single dad rigs a contraption that funnels only Capri Sun into his children's mouths? That would be dope, actually.
I consume a LOT of media, and most of it's television. Okay, the hours spent mindlessly browsing online definitely rival the amount of TV I watch... but there's something intoxicating about letting audio-visual goodness wash over you and escaping into something televised (or streamed on your laptop when you should be sleeping). Occasionally, someone comes across the screen that possesses a star quality, an indefinable X Factor that makes it impossible to avert your gaze. Friday, "Fox & Friends" viewers met a special man whose take on AOC's Green New Deal was so transfixing, people couldn't look away from it... or stop talking about it. He said, "Many environmentalists, and 'OAC' being one of them, do not realize that America is covered in grass. And 75% of a cow or a beef animal's body weight is made up of grass, which we cannot eat." Sorry, what? He definitely meant 'AOC' as in Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whose recent installation as the youngest-ever Congresswoman has conservatives shaking in their loafers. But the rest of his statement is difficult to parse.
Kristen Bell is a hilariously talented angel. Her marriage to Dax Shepard is 100% relationship goals and together they have two children ( Delta, 4, and Lincoln, 5) whose privacy they work hard to protect. Being a parent is hard enough, but it's definitely an added challenge when you're both famous. It's one thing for tabloids and cameras to follow you when you're an adult working in the industry you chose, it's another thing for children of celebrities who didn't choose to be famous to be forced to deal with unwanted attention. When Bell posted an adorable advertisement for diapers she did with Shepard, some people were skeptical. Maybe it's because of the fact that Bell and Shepard are a real-life couple so people took the ad more seriously than they would other commercials, but Bell wasn't going to take any shit. The child in the video isn't Bell and Shepard's real child and Bell told viewers her name isn't Jordan either.
Give it up for Kristen for being transparent about branded content on social media and how advertising actually works. Yes, she and Shepard are married and have children which is why this ad was funny, cute and effective. No, not everything you see celebrities do on Instagram is a real life depiction of their personal lives. Kristen probably had no control in the casting of this child actor and whether or not this little girl is being "exploited" is the responsibility of her parents. Good job, Kristen!
Maybe not. Actually, it might be good. If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up aboard the U.S.S. New York in 1899 and end up watching a boxing match...
Do you know your neighbors? Have you ever written or received a note like this?
Hmmm... So, remember the State of the Union address a few weeks ago? Some Democrats sure gave some shady looks. Take Senator Bernie Sanders for example...
Have you seen Trump's new hat? I think it's appropriate...
Hahahaha. Ever try to get free shit? There are some scammiest scammers who tried to get free shit and were satisfyingly shut down.
Korean BBQ or BUST. Man, there's sure some satisfying clawbacks at Fox News in Internet history...
JFK blown away. What else do I have to say? Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Things Overheard At The Michael Cohen Hearing
5. Calling him “Mr. Trump” feels like calling a squirrel “sir.”
4. Shoutout to Jim Jordan on being shitty enough to make Donald Trump’s ambulance chasing lawyer look like Jimmy Stewart.
3. Cohen’s testimony to the House Oversight Committee is like a shitty Christmas where all the gifts are things you desperately needed three years ago.
2. Michael Cohen taking down Trump is like the Joker being defeated by dysentery.
And the number one thing overheard at the Cohen hearing was...
1. Mr. Cohen, I represent an R+250% district, and I love Donald Trump. I love him. I love his face. I love him. I love him. I love him so much. Why are you doing this to him? To us? Don’t answer. I yield my time the ranking dum-dum.
While it's funny to watch someone you don't like fail, is it still fun of the failure didn't decrease the likelihood of nuclear war? President Donald Trump was in Hanoi, Vietnam meeting one of his many dictator friends, Kim Jong Un. The North Korean Dear Leader walks away from the summit with a massive propaganda victory of being treated as an equal by the President of the United States without having to give up any of its nuclear weapons. Trump also kowtowed to Kim Jong Un when he said that he takes Kim "at his word" over the treatment of Otto Warmbier, an American student who was all but beaten to death in one of the regime's prisons. He died shortly after his release. The summit was abruptly cut short as Trump walked out like he was Mike Pence at a football game. A signing ceremony was canceled because no deal was made. Pundits say that Trump was right to walk away rather than cut a bad deal, but people couldn't help but laugh at how horrible this whole charade is for the president's "Master Dealmaker" mythology. The hashtag #TrumpFail promptly started trending as soon as people woke up to read the news. Some progressives tried to clarify the meaning of the hashtag. Advertising Rep. Ted Lieu, an Extremely Online, anti-Trump congressman from California, denounced the hashtag, explaining that even though Trump is bad, nuclear war is worse. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi also said that she was glad Trump walked away. Pelosi did slam Trump for absolving Kim for the torture of an American student. There's something wrong, indeed.
No smiling allowed! Kids are fun. I just mentioned Trump's disastrous Kim Jong Un summit. Well, a friend of the Phile has something he wants to say about it. He's singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...
Good morning, humans. Just so that I’m crystal clear on this... The talks between President Trump and Kim Jong Un fell flat and both sides walked away without actually accomplishing anything... and you’re happy about this, merely because you hate Trump? Outstanding, great thought process. I’m glad that you’re so consumed with wanton hatred for this man, that you would actually applaud his failed attempt at making the world a safer place. #LiberalLogicInAction...
Katherine Helmond
July 5th, 1929 — February 23rd, 2019
Who's the moss?
The 94th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Neville will be the guest on the Phile next Monday.
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?" "He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
Me: Hello, Ryan, how are you? Welcome to the Phile.
Ryan: I'm really good. Thanks for having me, I really appreciate it.
Me: I love stand-up, I do stand-up now and then, and I love it when comedians come on to the Phile. I wasn't to aware of you, but I remember seeing you on "Conan," anyway I watched some of your clips on YouTube and the first one I saw was the bit of you trying to cancel your gym membership. That was pretty funny.
Ryan: Thank you. Have you ever been through that?
Me: Nope, I have only been to the gym once in my life. The only exercise I do is "push my luck." Hahahaha. Someone mentioned a spin class or something to me the other day at work, have you heard of it?
Ryan: The Spin Class you mean. I went once. I don't know if you know Rachel Feinstein, she's a very funny great comedian, but she set up a Spin Class and see didn't show up. It happened to be a Valentine's Day class for people who were alone on Valentine's Day. That's the only time I've been to Spin Class. Hahaha. I appreciate Rachel inviting me anyway.
Me: Awe. Anyway, so, with your comedy do you like talking about stuff that not a lot of people talk about, like canceling a gym membership?
Ryan: Yeah, I like working in a broad way and wider experience and finding specific things in those things that people say "oh, yeah, I do remember that little thing."
Me: You're known as a "clean" comedian, Ryan, do you ever get tired of being identified as that?
Ryan: I have accepted it because I am clean. Those are labels that people put. Generally comedians don't put labels on themselves, The people do and we have to at some point be able to define what we do in some way. I talk about being observational and I'm fine being labeled clean because that's what I am.
Me: Did you always want to be an observational comedian?
Ryan: Yeah, that's the kind of comedy I'm drawn to, that's who I am.
Me: Who were your stand-up influences growing up?
Ryan: Dave Barry, Seinfeld. I love those guys. Dave Barry is a honor columnist for people that don't know, who I grew up reading when I was 12 to 14-years-old.
Me: So, what made you want to become a comedian?
Ryan: It just seemed like the greatest job in the world.
Me: That's true. So, I watched some of your Netflix special "Happy Face" and thought you did a great job, being clean and everything. Do you think it's a lot harder to write a clean joke opposed to a dirty joke?
Ryan: It's interesting, I think there's great comedy over the whole spectrum personally. I think there could be good comedy that happens to be dirty, it could be original. But I would say, yeah, in general, because candy is about surprising people... generally. Yeah, I think it's a little bit harder.
Me: Have you ever met Seinfeld?
Ryan: Yeah, I've opened for him a few years ago and will be opening for him again soon.
Me: Oh, that's cool. How was that?
Ryan: It was fantastic. He loves to talk about comedy. It's great to just watch him work, because the reason it works is because he loves comedy and he loves doing what he does. He's a master at it, and we talked about that a lot. One of the things he says, "The things that I say now is 'yeah, I like to work clean, I like to work oddball.'"
Me: What does that mean?
Ryan: Like softball versus hardball. It's harder to hit a over hand fast pitch than it is to hit a lobbed softball I think what he went for.
Me: So, you have always been drawn to that kind of comedy?
Ryan: Yeah, I've always been drawn to that, that's who I am anyway. It wasn't a conscious decision that I was going to be a clean comedian because I want to make a statement or anything like that.
Me: What did you learn with spending time with someone like Seinfeld who I think is one of the most famous comedians in our time?
Ryan: I learnt so much. I watched every show. Some of the things I kind of observed and what's been the top of my mind recently with working with him, he uses everything at his disposal. Think of Seinfeld as a guy who stands there and makes astute observations. People go "that's so true, I never thought of that." But when I watch him live I realize that yes he is doing that, but he also taking everything at his disposal. He's physical, he's big, he commands the stage, he's old when he needs to be, he's soft when he needs to be. He's acting out, he's got characters. To me that's a full show and I like the idea of putting on a show. I like to entertain people, and I like to be big on the stage if I need to. We talked a lot about the writing and the way we approach comedy and this kind of clean versus dirty, the observational, all of those things.
Me: What kind off comedy do you like or watch now?
Ryan: Lately I've been into the "performance" of comedy.
Me: What do you mean?
Ryan: I think it's something comedians overlook sometimes, especially stand-up comedians. We're about writing and we like to think about jokes and we talk about jokes. I'm in a conversation with other comedians and we'll go, "Did you hear about this joke, it's brilliant." But I like pairing that with the performance and you know we are performers. And we forget about that sometimes I think. As stand-ups we go on stage and we tell our jokes, but I'm trying to learn how to perform them in a way that is accessible and fun and big and entertaining. I even hesitate to say that a little, because I think some comics may think that's too much or let the jokes sit there on their own and work, whatever. You can really sell a joke that's not great and make it work.
Me: You're a very physical comedian, don't you think?
Ryan: Yeah. I like being that way. It's taking a great joke and adding to it.
Me: Ryan, where ae you originally from?
Ryan: Ashton, Idaho. Most people just know me from Idaho but I'm from a little town called Ashton. There's about 1200 people in the whole town area.
Me: I take it the first time you did stand-up wasn't in Ashton, right?
Ryan: No, although I would do like sketches in high school for assemblies and those sort of things occasionally. I was in some high school musicals but I was never in big roles or anything like that.
Me: So, what was it like the first time you went on stage and did stand-up?
Ryan: The very first time I was 18-years-old and I had a little radio show in college, I was studying journalism. I always loved it, it was that Dave Barry thing that got me interested. I got in stand-up in a way through journalism strangely. I had a radio show, I was always drawn to stand-up, I loved it. A few of us had these little radio shows, each had an hour every week on a college station and we were interested in comedy. We decided to put together a stand-up show even though none of us had ever been to a stand-up show. There's this little pizza place, we had a remote and we got a couple people there and we had a stand-up show. We did that about four or five times, I was 18-years-old when I did that. I did it for those four or five times and didn't really do it again until five or six years later.
Me: You're a member of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you don't drink or do drugs, Ryan, what was it like when you first got into comedy which is mostly known to be boozy and smoky.
Ryan: I don't know, I didn't think too much of it to be honest. People ask me this a lot and I don't know. It was fine for me. In the beginning doing some of these one nighters that have comedy once a month in a little bar that's in a town that was rough, that was more weird doing it like now in nightclubs in New York City.
Me: Do you think you fitted in with the others?
Ryan: Yeah. Because the thing that we all have in common is comedy, so I fit in because I'm a comedian. It doesn't really matter, we're all from all these different worlds and we're all strange and come from a place where we outsiders in our own way. Although I am very comfortable being a little bit different. I enjoy that. I grew up like that even though I'm from a small town in Idaho, I was kind of a different kid. I was one of the only kids that wasn't a farm kid. My dad's from southern California and I really latched on to that culture, I wanted to be a surfer and skater kid in the middle of Idaho. I was different there and it wasn't like I didn't have friends or whatever but I was different, and I got very comfortable being different. I think I like that and that's one of the reasons I enjoy living in New York. People want to make it a fish out of water story, and I guess it is that, and I enjoy it.
Me: Do you ever do corporate events and what is that like?
Ryan: Yeah, I do. I look around and make these tiny observations and they are like, "How does he know that? He shouldn't know that." It makes me an insider immediately. Steve Martin has this great joke about doing a conference for plumbers. I can't remember the thing but he talks about the number whatever tool and the manual he uses to find the tool, he gets so specific and he makes a farcical about this not on of finding something. But that's what comedy is. The smaller the audience gets the kind of easier it gets to make these observations.
Me: Cool, Ryan. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon. I hope to see you doing stand-up in Orlando soon.
Ryan: Thanks, Jason, I appreciate it.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Ryan Hamilton. The Phile will be back tomorrow with YouTuber Elle Mills. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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