Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. Well, the "Game of Thrones" trailer flew in and set the Internet on fire. Unleash the dragons. WINTER. IS. HERE!!! The gods at HBO have released the trailer for the final season of "Game of Thrones" and it looks dark. Like, literally dark. You have to squint to see Arya's face, but it's oh so worth it if you're a fan. You fans have been without new Thrones for over a year and are eager to eat up anything Westeros has to offer, even if it's only a few images of people in the dark and/or staring at dragons. I've never seen the show but thought if you're a fan I'd let you know.
Without a government shutdown to blame it on, the Trump White House has decided to stick to its schtick of serving athletes fast food to celebrate their accomplishments. The NCAA champions were treated to Chik-Fil-A sandwiches and a side of "no collusion" when President Trump welcomed the athletes and demonstrated that he's running out of ideas. Once again, Michelle Obama's White House vegetable garden was spotted weeping.
Sunday night, HBO aired the first two hours of Leaving Neverland, a documentary in which two men detail the alleged sexual abuse they experienced at the hands of the late King of Pop. For the last fifteen years of his life, Jackson had been trailed by child sex abuse allegations. He stood trial and was acquitted of allegedly molesting an 8-year-old cancer patient in 2005, which gave fans the confidence they needed to keep moonwalking. #LeavingNeverland was the number one trending topic on Twitter as people tuned in to see two now-grown men separately describe the abuse in harrowing detail as patterns began to emerge. Many people voiced their disgust at Jackson and their support for Robson and Safechuck, while other fans who presumably weren't in the room with the pop star took to Twitter to declare "MICHAEL JACKSON INNOCENT!!!" Pundits are saying that this documentary irreparably tarnishes Jackson's legacy. The Jackson estate has sued HBO, and is calling the documentary "another rehash of dated and discredited allegations." In the end, what it comes down to is whether or not you can hear "The Way You Make Me Feel" without feeling a knot in your stomach.
With requests for documents from just about everyone ever, the Democrats have officially launched their investigation into possible obstruction of justice, corruption, and abuse of power by Trump, his administration and his family (like there's a difference). Armed with subpoena power, Rep. Jerrold Nadler, Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, wrote to 81 individuals and organizations connections to the president, humbly requesting documents that may shed light onto Trump's corruption even more than his Twitter account already has. Per The New York Times (read this in a "side effects may include" Viagra commercial voice for maximum effect): "The letters from Mr. Nadler, dated March 4, went to 81 agencies, individuals and other entities tied to the president, including the Trump Organization, the Trump campaign, the Trump Foundation, the presidential inaugural committee, the White House, the Justice Department, the F.B.I. and dozens of the president’s closest aides who counseled him as he launched attacks against federal investigations into him and his associates, the press, and the federal judiciary. The committee will also investigate accusations of corruption, including possible violations of campaign finance law, the Constitution’s ban on foreign emoluments and the use of office for personal gain." Names on this cursed list include: Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Jared Kushner, the NRA, the Trump Organization, the Trump Transition, the Trump Campaign, and the Trump Inaugural Committee. Notably absent is the name Ivanka Trump, likely because daddy would burn the House down and they're hopefully saving it for later. Don Jr. is very chill about this, pulling a classic "whatabout" and linking to an old article from the Hillary Clinton-obsessed conservative group Judicial Watch. The countdown is on for the inevitable Trump tweet: "Joke's on you, Dumbocrats. You're going to have to READ all these documents."
Ivanka Trump, daughter or our reality TV star president is having a real poor little rich girl moment. You'd think life would be pretty easy when you were born into super-privilege and your wealthy president father loves you so much that it's borderline illegal, but everyone has problems. After all, the Kardashians get stressed every now and then... there's a whole television show to prove it. At the annual, very formal Gridiron dinner in Washington, D.C., a lot of jokes were made. The 134-year-old tradition hosted by the Gridiron Club and Foundation to honor elite Washington journalists, reporters and politicians is more of a roast battle than a traditional fancy-person event. Amy Klobuchar, a 2020 Democratic hopeful, made several self-deprecating jokes mocking a report that she ate a salad with a comb. Things got interesting, though, when Ivanka Trump replaced President Trump and became something of a comedian herself. Recognizing that she is often criticized for encouraging Americans to work harder despite the fact that she'd never have to work a day in her life if she didn't want to, Ivanka joked, "as if being Donald Trump's daughter isn't the hardest job in the world." I don't know, Ivanka, have you ever tried being a construction worker? A brain surgeon? A firefighter? A busboy? Your job isn't hard and nobody is convinced it's even a real job. I think we can all recognize that Ivanka might be capable of satire, but the Internet wasn't ready to let this slide. Maybe leave the comedy to Stormy?
A bus driver chose the worst possible time to quit her job: in the middle of a shift. WFMZ reports that Lori Ann Mankos of Walnutport, Pennsylvania was drunk driving a group of middle and high school kids on Friday afternoon when she said "fuck it" and just pulled over at a gas station. According to state police, Mankos parked the bus at a Sunoco station, got out, passed the keys to a station attendant, and walked away. Thankfully, no kids were harmed, so it's okay to find this somewhat hilarious. Many parents picked up their kids at the gas station, while others were driven by an emergency bus driver who was called in from the reserves and took over. You can't help but feel impressed... not even your dad could abandon and endanger that many kids in one fell swoop.
I was thinking today I had a TARDIS I would probably end up in Paris, France and see the Eiffel Tower looking like this...
Damn Nazi Occupation. By the way, the sign says "Germany wins on all fronts." Thanks, Google translator. You know, there's some very satisfying clapbacks at Fox News in Internet history. Like...
Senator Tim Kaine...
The new trailer for Shazam dropped and I was very surprised by a scene in it. Check it out...
I'd look the other way myself. That's just me. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...
Haha. Okay, wanna laugh?
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."
An 80-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90-year-old man says, "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9:00."
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so a magician friend of the Phile did a show this past weekend and I was wondering how he did so I invited him back to tell us. So, please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hello, David, welcome back. How are you?
David: I am okay, Jason.
Me: So, how was the show? Anything crazy happen?
David: I chose this woman who was sitting with her boyfriend about 30 feet from the stage. I threw a deck of cards to her that was bundled with a rubber band.
Me: Okay, what for?
David: She was to pick out a card, memorize it and throw them back.
Me: That seems simple enough, David.
David: Well, when she threw them back the rubber band wasn't on tight and the deck of cards flew all over the room!
Me: Oh, man. Did you hit the deck? Hahahahaha. Better luck next time, David.
David: Thank you, Jason.
Me: David Coppafeel, the world's worst magician, kids.
Alright, so, something crazy happened to a friend of the Phile and he wanted to come here and talk about it. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is.
Good evening, phuckerz. Everywhere I go, there’s always gotta be that one asshole who feels the need to test the limits of my patience. On my way home from work, I stop at a local cafe near my former office and I bump into this guy I knew from my last job with a few of his drinking buddies. Let’s just say he’s the type of wannabe tough guy who thinks everyone’s afraid of him simply because he’s a gym rat with a bad attitude and a big mouth. Yeah, I know... we all hate that kind of dickhead and avoid any interaction with these types unless absolutely necessary. I never liked him back when we worked together and let him know (even back then) to stay the fuck away from me, or suffer the consequences.
Anyway, I see him, he sees me... and he figures he’ll puff out his chest and attempt to show off in front of his four little cronies. Whatever... I don’t care. I have thick skin, I don’t sweat anything on two or four legs and I have no problem at all fighting him (and his friends) if it comes to that. He glares at me and says to his buddies “Yo, watch this shit.”
Then, this happens...
Him: Hey, Laird... is that you?”
I ignored him. Him: “Hey, I’m talking to you... what’re you, fuckin’ deaf?”
I looked over and started through him. Him: “Fellas, this is Jim Laird... he thinks he’s something special... a real tough guy... or at least HE likes to think so.”
I smiled and eyed up all five of them... assessing my predicament. Him: “Well, ain’t you got nothin’ to say, tough guy?”
Me: “Here’s the deal... I’m gonna give you a chance to look cool in front of your little friends here.”
Him: “Oh, really... and what chance is that?”
Me: “I’m gonna stand here, put my hands behind me and place them in my back pockets.”
Him: Yeah? THEN what?”
Me: "Then comes your big chance to prove how tough you are... I’m gonna give you three free swings... without taking my hands out of my back pockets to defend myself. At the end of your three swings at me, if I’m still standing... I’m going to beat you to death, in self defense... right in front of your friends.”
Him: “Oh, really?”
Me: “Yep.”
Him: And what do you think THEY’RE going to do?”
Me: "Not a fuckin’ thing because they’re curious.”
Him: “About what?”
Me: "About whether you’re the tough guy you act like, or the big pussy they’ve always suspected you are and I know you are.”
He stated at me with jaw clenched. I put my hands in my back pockets. His friends backed away, staring at him, folding their arms across their chests. The biggest of his friends said, Well, Joe... looks like Jim here just called you out... your move”
Him: “You know what? Fuck this... and fuck you. I’m outta here. I ain’t got time for this bullshit..”
Me: Just what I thought... see ya around, Joe." He and his friends walked to their truck, his friends taunting him and calling him “Jim’s Bitch” the entire way. It’s like my father used to say...
“your best defense is always the ability to completely destroy someone, without laying a hand on them.”
#IveAlwaysHatedBullies.
Watching the news these days can feel like some sort of sick joke, or in some cases, like some sort of actual joke. For example, when the White House tweeted out a photo of Trump hugging/spooning/dry-humping/??? a flag, I couldn't help but laugh. Like, the image is legitimately hilarious. The only problem? The White House wasn't kidding.
Who is charge over there?! Oh, right...
I would say there is no way the White House expected to post this photo without being covered in shiver inducing shade, but I've truly given up on trying to understand the logic behind their decision making process. Nonetheless, the Internet was quick to hop on the wave of criticism for this post, and let's just say the surf was looking gnarly today. People honestly could not believe that this was real life. Others noted that pussies aren't the only thing the groper in chief likes grabbing. The more I look at it, the more embarrassed I get. They used to say that art imitates life, but now it seems as though life imitates hell.
October 11th, 1966 — March 4th, 2019
New zip code for Luke.
The 94th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Neville will be the guest on the Phile next Monday.
Today's pheatured guest is a Canadian YouTube vlogger. She won the "breakout YouTuber" category at the 10th Shorty Awards in 2018. Her videos have been compared to the films of John Hughes. Her November 2017 coming out video, in which she came out as bisexual, pushed her over the million-subscriber mark. Please welcome to the Phile... Elle Mills.
Me: Hey, Elle, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Elle: I am great!
Me: So, your YouTube videos get millions and millions of hits. Did you always want to make films and do stuff like this?
Elle: I always wanted to be in movies and TV but when YouTube became a thing, when I was in grade 5 or 6 in middle school that's when YouTube became huge and that's when I knew what I wanted to do because it was so accessible.
Me: You dropped out of school, right?
Elle: Yeah, that's right. I did a semester.
Me: Where at?
Elle: Ottawa U for marketing.
Me: So, why did you drop out?
Elle: My YouTube channel was blowing up and I decided I wanted to focus on that so I decided to take a semester off. And I haven't gone back.
Me: How did that go with your parents?
Elle: Both of them were shocked at first because I was very academically driven. But my mum was very supportive. She said, "Do whatever I wanted to do." My dad was just a little concerned for sure. But now he totally understands it. Because he just didn't understand the whole YouTube world.
Me: I don't blame them, Elle. Can you blame them?
Elle: From the older generations perspective obviously I understand what it looks like. It looks like just someone making little videos on line. But it's so much more than that. On the social medial world it's become a whole different thing. It's insane now.
Me: How long did it take you to make the videos? Some of them are between four and ten minutes long.
Elle: Hmmm... I say a solid week of straight work. Every day of every hour I'm working, so it's become a huge production at this point. I keep raising the bar and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: I have to say you are not making videos on cats or doing unboxing, you're making videos about your life. Was that a conscious decision you wanted to reveal a lot of yourself in the videos?
Elle: Yeah, I just found my life... I don't know if this is narcistic to say, but I found my life very interesting. It's not me, it's the people in my life. They're so fascinating. They're all such characters to me. And I found that any person I meet I could turn them into a character. I like the idea of showcasing that, because I found my family specially very interesting, They're very relatable although they're just so unique, like I've never seen something like that before.
Me: Elle, the first video I saw you did was the "Coming Out" video and I was like whoa. That video got over four million views, of you "coming out." What do you think of that?
Elle: The video of me coming out has me crying on my bedroom floor. Very odd that has almost four million views.
Me: So, how did you decide that's this is how you want to come out?
Elle: I'm just so bad at being vulnerable, which is surprising if you look at my YouTube channel. But I'm very bad at being vulnerable in person. So I find being vulnerable in person is kind off a loophole to that. When I'm being vulnerable sure it's being showcased to millions of people, but at the moment me being vulnerable it's me by myself with a camera. So I'm like cheering the system, I'm being vulnerable without having to be vulnerable.
Me: What was it like when you made the decision to do that?
Elle: It's when I figured out I was bisexual. I was like, okay, now I need to tell people. It was something that was a weight on my shoulders for a long time. I was keeping a secret and I knew my mum especially, I knew she knew I was hiding something from her. So I knew it was time to release that pressure. I just thought making the coming out video would be killing a ton of birds with one stone. Like I wouldn't have to sit down with every friend and every family member and tell them.
Me: How did the people you didn't tell personally feel about that? Not that you owed them anything.
Elle: I know. I didn't tell my sisters, my sisters found out through the video because they were raised very religiously. So I knew they loved me and supported me no matter what. If there was any a sliver of doubt that that might be uncomfortable or react like in a way I wasn't in sure of, I just let them find out through the video.
Me: Did you have to talk about that afterwards?
Elle: Yeah, they were obviously very upset about that. They shouldn't have found out with the rest of the world, they should of found out maybe a few seconds beforehand.
Me: I get it, and I'm sure they and you do. Right?
Elle: Yeah, I learned from that experience. So...
Me: After that you started to get thousands and thousands of people more subscribing to your YouTube channel. Was that something you noticed?
Elle: Yeah. That coming out video blew up like nothing I'ver ever seen before.
Me: Did that change the videos that you were making afterwards?
Elle: It changed in the sense that I started to put a lot of pressure on how good the videos are...? Sure the "Coming Out" video blew up because it was like when it came out everyone was being supportive, but a lot if it was they were intrigued by the story telling and how I made the actual video itself. And so I was really worried the next video was not as good or something. So that's what changed really.
Me: So there wasn't the thought of you needed to give way more of yourself now?
Elle: No, a little bit initially right after the "Coming Out" video I was like I need to do more, I needed to go bigger.
Me: Well... you did, Elle. You made a video about getting married. Hahahaha. What is that video called?
Elle: "I Legally Married My Sister's Boyfriend." LOL.
Me: Okay, so, did you? What was that about?
Elle: Essentially this is the video I posted right after my "Coming Out" video and I decided it'll be funny because it's a joke that I'm going to be the last Mills kid to get married. It'll be funny that I went to Vegas and legally married my sister's boyfriend. And that's what I did.
Me: Oh, man. So, tell the readers what you did...
Elle: I went in the morning and came back at night and I was legally married.
Me: And then what happens?
Elle: We tell the family and the reaction is not as great as we had expected from the family. Now the family finds it funny. It was just in the moment they were a little shocked I went that far for a YouTube video.
Me: Are you still married?
Elle: No, I'm annulled now.
Me: Ahhh. I feel like it was motivated by how many views you can get, am I right?
Elle: Yes, it was riding off the "Coming Out" video which just blew up so I was like I just can't post a normal video and I was pushing myself. I was like I have to do something so crazy, like so wild to keep it going. I was so driven, I was like I don't want this to stop, I don't want the numbers to stop, so I needed to do something even crazier to keep it going. It's how the YouTube game works unfortunately. It's just like this drive in me, I just want to be relevant. It's like a drug, it's so indicting getting tase numbers and these views. Sometimes I can make people do the craziest of stuff.
Me: Do you have more empathy for people who would jump off a bridge or get punched in the face for views?
Elle: Yeah, I get it. I understand the mindset but it's like zooming out of that and looking at it from a different perspective. It's kind of weird and kind of nuts but yes, I totally understand what every person is thinking. I definitely emphasise with that for sure.
Me: Okay, so I have to ask you about the video called "Burnt Out At 19." What prompted you to make that video?
Elle: So, the pressure from the "Coming Out" video since then was slowly building up and I think my schedule got busier and busier as the numbers were going really fast and so my popularity was growing really fast. So last April was a very hectic month for me, I was barely home, I was on tour, I was at award shows, I was at conventions doing meet and greets and I was making YouTube videos on top of that. And I think I finally hit my breaking point and I had a very public breakdown on-line.
Me: What happened?
Elle: So I posted this video on Twitter, I was not okay, I was having a mental breakdown and I flipped and I posted it and everyone was very concerned. So I had to take that video down and I had to cancel two shows. I had to take a break. I just kind of disappeared off the Internet, I just decided I needed time off. So making that video was to explain myself, because that came out of nowhere. I was the happy Elle Mills for so long and out of nowhere I was saying I'm so unhappy. So I felt like I owed my audience an explanation. Even my family, that's how I explained it to my friends and family as well.
Me: You mentioned this loophole before but this video premiered at a YouTube festival to an audience, so that's not a loophole, right?
Elle: No, that was weird. I had committed to that festival beforehand so I hadn't even made the video. So I decided to premier that video because I usually make videos with what's gong on in my life currently and that was the only thing going on in my life. I wasn't going to pretend that I was happy. So I did premier it and yeah, it was a lot.
Me: How many people saw the premier?
Elle: A couple hundred. I was lucky to have good friends besides me, supporting me, but I did have an anxiety attack that night. I just remember it was not what people expected from me.
Me: How did people react to it?
Elle: In general everyone was super supportive. In terms of my viewers everyone was like "take your time, take your break."And I think with YouTube creators it got a lot of people saying this is what they need to talk about, talking about YouTube burnout and mental health and how its affecting people and everything. It opened up a conversation.
Me: What was your life like before you started making videos?
Elle: I was on the other side watching from the outside in. Just being inside the world now, it's different, it's so weird.
Me: Where do you think the pressure comes from?
Elle: I honestly believe the pressure comes from myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I think 90% because this is all I wanted, I wanted to so badly so I'm doing anything and everything to keep it.
Me: How are you now?
Elle: I'm a lot better from April and May. A lot better, but still I have my moments. It's a work in progress, I'm still constantly working on getting better. I definitely trying to work all that out, but I have a great support system, my friends and family, my manager is really great as well. So just being open with others and working through that has been really helpful.
Me: So, do people tell you their stories when they meet you?
Elle: Yeah, that's been hard to adjust to in my opinion because I'm very bad in comforting people. I'm very bad with emotions. If my friends have a problem I'm not the friend that you go to talk to about their problems, Having to have complete strangers to cry in front of me I'm not equipped for that.
Me: How do you handle that?
Elle: I just try to figure out what I like when I'm in that state and try to do that for that other person. But it comes with the job really. I made that public, and people are just trying to tell me how my video affected them.
Me: So, what changes are you making in 2019?
Elle: Taking time between videos, not pressuring myself. We often try to cap meet and greets. Some times meet and greets can go on for four or five hours straight, so we try and cap that. We try to spin out meetings and stuff but if I'm feeling to much pressure I'm about to cancel it with no problem. And also being open with everyone.
Me: Well, I think it's brave what you're doing on YouTube, Elle.
Elle: Thank you, people say that but I don't think of it like that,
Me: Elle, thanks for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon, and take care of yourself. Mention your YouTube channel.
Elle: Thank you, Jason, I appreciate that. Youtube.com/user/ElleOfTheMills.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Elle Mills. The Phile will be back on Monday with Neville Staple. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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