Year Of The Phile

Hello, one and all, and happy new year. So, did you stay up to celebrate? I tried to, but fell asleep by 11:45. Britney Spears's manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Years Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Years Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said: "Countin' is hard!" Earlier this evening at the White House, President Bush welcomed new members of Congress with a "bicameral, bipartisan reception." Or, as Bush calls it, "a bye-bye." The first Muslim member of Congress is planning to be sworn in on a copy of the Koran that was once owned by Thomas Jefferson. The Congressman says he found Thomas Jefferson's Koran on the shelf next to George Washington's torah. Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will automatically stop the car if the driver has had too much to drink. The device is called "oncoming traffic." A toy company has come out with new dolls based on the characters from "Desperate Housewives." The company says the "Desperate Housewives" doll are perfect for the little girl who's on her third marriage. The other day in Spain, a 67-year-old woman gave birth - making her the world's oldest new mother. Reportedly the mother and baby are doing fine but the doctor is still nauseated. We are going to be sending more troops to Iraq. President Bush is calling this a surge and not an escalation. Well duh. Sure that’s what he’s going to say. A one syllable word versus a four syllable word. Starting January 23rd Canadians will need a passport to get into the United States. This is to discern non U.S. citizens from U.S. citizens. Look, all we need to do is look at the people with big bags of cheap prescription drugs to know which ones are Americans. Hillary Clinton is running fourth in Iowa in the presidential polls. Things are so bad her new Secret Service code name is The Peverett Phile. Pat Robertson says that God told him personally that a major terrorist attack will happen in the United States in 2007. God says that’s not true and whenever Pat calls he lets the answering machine get it. Airline employees at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport say they saw a UFO. You know what this means – they’ve been drinking again! Saddam was hung the other day, and coincidentally, so was I.

BROKEN

It appears that smoking giant, human-sized cigarettes isn't allowed in Tokyo's Harajuku station.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Jedi robe: $50. Judo Gi: $30. Leather boots: $80. Replica prop lightsaber: $300. All that, and yet this guy can't shell out a few extra bucks for a pair of contact lenses to finish the job.

CANNED LAUGHTER

It's said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later, the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and sat across from her 70-year-old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are, a young bride with an old husband, and you're looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy double-crossed me," said the bride. "He told me he saved up for 60 years, and I thought he was talking about money!"

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

Mini-hammocks seemed innocuous enough. No projectiles, no lead paint, no sharp edges, and no explicit danger (except sloth). But between the years of 1984–1995 the EZ Sales mini-hammock, oft marketed under the name "Hang Ten," managed to hang 12. CPSC reported in August 1996 that the product had resulted in the fatal and near-fatal asphyxiation of dozens of kids ages five to 17 and recalled three million of them. Among the banned EZ products were Hangouts Baby Hammocks, or "Baby's First Death Cocoon," woven from thin cotton and nylon strings. The culprit was a missing set of "spreader bars," supports meant to keep the hammock open when it was "at ease." Unfortunately, children seeking to spend an afternoon like Gilligan became entangled in the net and strangled to death. That's what happens when you spend $4 on a hammock.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1943: Josef Stalin appears as Time's 1942 "Man of the Year". 1961:  Schrodinger is half dead today. 1964: The Boston Strangler Albert DeSalvo kills his final victim, Mary Sullivan, age 19, at her Charles Street apartment. 1997: Rumors run rampant through Israel, particularly over talk radio, that a UFO will land at Tel Aviv on the following day. The predictions are purported to have been made by spoonbender Uri Geller. Thousands flock to the beaches, but no saucers.

R.I.P.

This heading shouldn't be called R.I.P. It should be R.I.E.H.Y.M.F.B. (Rest In Eternal Hell You Mother Fucking Bastard).

Saddam Hussein: Typical. As his final act on Earth, this asshole completely fucks dead pool players all over the world.

MOVIE BUZZ

Transformers: Little kid, check. Swimming pool, check. Yep, it's Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World all over again.

James Brown Biopic: Spike Lee is going to turn the late Godfather of Soul's life into a movie, which is awesome. But please, please, please include this bit where he was drunk on TV.

The Kingdom: The star of the silly The Jamie Foxx Show is now in an action movie alongside Silver Spoons co-star Jason Bateman. It's like the '80s all over again, and they're the new Jay Leno and Pat Morita in Collision Course.

Blonde Ambition: Willie Nelson will co-star (again) with Jessica Simpson in this quasi-remake of Working Girl. I will only go see this movie if they have a really disturbing sex scene together. *Shudder.*

Real Genius 2: Speaking of the '80s, Val Kilmer wants to stop being a joke and start making jokes again — like he did in his early comedies. Personally, I'm still waiting for Willow 2: The Revenge of Madmartigan. Now that would kick butt.

The Oxford Murders: Elijah Wood will help solve a string of murders in merrie ol' England. Although I would assume those giant hairy hobbit feet aren't so good for tiptoeing around a crime scene.

Well, that's another entry of the Phile. We are coming up to a thousand views already in a year, which is not bad, but I am greedy, I want over 2000 by Summer. So, my friends, for a year now I've been saying 'spread the word and not the turd', and this time I mean it. Send the Phile to all your friends on Myspace, in your address book, your family, friends, whoever,a nd tell them how good it is, even if you think it sucks. Check out the Myspace Peverett Phile site as well. Next week I will reveal the Phile's first competition, where you will win something cool. So, start spreading. In the meantime, I will leave you with a random pic. Spread the word and not the turd.

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