Best.Blog.Ever

Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, where we are slowly creeping up to a thousand views. This is the only blog I know that gets updated EVERY week for over a year! So, last night, ladies and gentlemen, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq, and President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off the old ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. And also during his speech, Bush announced his plan for a phased withdrawal of Rosie O’Donnell from ‘The View.’ Have you been following the situation at ‘The View’? You know ‘The View,’ the show on ABC? Oh, it’s unbelievable. Rosie O’Donnell comes in and things go crazy. I mean, she’s an exciting, dynamic personality and has kind of a hair trigger. And yesterday, she and Barbara Walters got into a horrible fight in the make-up room, and Barbara Walters picked up a stool and went at her like that…and then Rosie busted off a beer bottle ... Yeah, it’s going to be better because they’ve gotten Rosie to agree to go off steroids. You probably saw this on the news, huge fires in Malibu. Five homes burned to the ground. Today Mel Gibson blamed it on Hanukah candles. Terrible fires in Malibu. Luckily nobody was injured. People had to evacuate. In fact, Britney spears ran out of the house without any underwear on. But that was two hours before the fire started. In fact, this was the first time homes in Malibu have been threatened by something other than divorce lawyers. They’re calling this fire the worst disaster to hit Malibu since President Bush’s re-election. President Bush last night announced that he is creating 20,000 new jobs. They are all in Iraq. As you know, President Bush said that he’s ordering a surge in troops in Iraq. You know, the last time a president had a surge, he got impeached. No, I’m sorry, that was an urge. I get confused. I guess President Bush wants to send in 20,000 more troops to Iraq because he believes it will stop the fighting. Did you hear about this? A U.S. submarine, the Newport News, collided with a Japanese oil tanker in the straits of Hormuz. When he heard about it, President Bush immediately called to make sure the oil was okay. Luckily nobody was injured. Speaking of that, oil prices continue to fall. It’s now dropped below 54 dollars a barrel. So if oil is less than 54 dollars a barrel whydid it cost me like $62 to fill up my car this morning? I know I’m not using the whole barrel! The Washington Post reports that John Kerry is hiring staff and preparing another run for the White House. He is telling people he will not make the same mistakes again. This time, all new mistakes. Governor Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while breaking his leg falling down the ski slopes in Idaho. There’s nothing like a week of dealing with your HMO to convince you we need universal health coverage. This week, at the big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas, apple unveiled their first combination iPod and cell phone. They say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit behind you in a movie theater. Have you heard about this thing? It’s an iPod, cell phone, and also a camera. It allows you to surf the internet too. They expect it to completely dominate the electronic industry…for at least a week. How about a cell phone you can actually talk to people on…and hear them? Why don’t we try that first? Would you watch movies on a cell phone? How blind would you be then? As if people don’t have enough car accidents. "I can’t take this call, I’m watching a movie.” Taser International has begun selling a new stylish cell phone size stun gun for regular use by ordinary people. Normally you have to have a license. This is a stun gun that anyone can buy. It’s $350, and sends 50,000 volts for 30 seconds and can be used 50 times before re-charging. Look, if you live in a neighborhood where you have to stun attackers 50 times before you get home, you might want to move to a better neighborhood. Mark McGwire not getting into the hall of fame. Turns out his head is too big. Can’t get through ... According to researchers at the university of Texas, women who suffer from bad PMS have better memories. You know what they remember? Every stupid thing you ever did. A few days ago Ohio State was beat by Florida in the NCAA football championship game. Troy Smith the Heisman winner and quarterback for Ohio State only threw four complete passes. It was the most embarrassing performance by a Heisman winner since O.J. They were down by twenty at halftime. But that wasn’t the worst part of it. Did you see the bands at halftime? Did you hear what the Ohio State band played? They played the theme from Titanic! Is that the song you want to play there? And congress took the day off because of the game. The whole day off! The game didn’t start until the evening. Good to see the Democrats have their priorities straight. It’s good to see things aren’t business as usual. There was a strange odor covered New York City. This is no joke. It turns out the odor was from a swamp in New Jersey. Turns out the swamp is a protected area. It’s a sacred mob burial ground. Dick Cheney went duck hunting. He hunts and everyone ducks. That’s how that works. It's been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name "Rudolph Giuliani" so other candidates don't use his name in negative campaign ads. For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words "Ball-Buster," "Castrator" and "Nut-Cruncher." Caesar's Palace has announced that after five years, they've decided to end their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity, Caesar's will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm. File this under I Come From A Nation Of Shopkeepers: the other day in England, an 80-year-old woman was out for a walk in the country when she was attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd because usually British food attacks you after you eat it. In show business news, there’s a rumor now that the band The Police is reuniting for the first time since 1986 for a benefit concert for the poor. The poor of course being Sting’s two other band members from the police. NBC, always on the forefront of new ideas, is bringing back the series "The Bionic Woman.” Do you think that will be a hit? I don’t know, these days a women walking around L.A. with a lot of fake body parts, is that a big deal anymore? Mike Tyson was arrested last week by Arizona police on cocaine charges. He’s now out on $25,000 bail. You know who paid his bail? The guy who was going to be his cellmate. I guess Britney and Kevin Federline have agreed to a temporary child custody arrangement. Turns out Britney’s nanny gets the kids during the week, and Kevin’s ex-girlfriend gets them on the weekends. Britney spears said her New Year’s resolution was to stop biting her nails. Thank goodness, because when I saw that photo of her getting out of the limo on the internet, I couldn’t believe how bad her nails looked. I was shocked to see how chewed up… According to statistics just released by the Census Bureau, six percent of men say they have had a homosexual experience. The experiences range from sex with another man to owning more than one Clay Aiken album. And finally, Tigger was accussed on hitting a kid at Disney. Coincidentally, Winnie The Pooh was heard saying "Bitch, betta have my honey."

BROKEN

UNFORTUANTE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Now that's what I call a Han Sandwich, am I right, ladies? Huh? Also: Natalie Merchant makes a decent Princess Leia, don't you think?

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

The average American uses 743 tissues each year. It takes 20 human searchers to do the work of just one rescue dog. Twenty percent of men admit to viewing Internet porn at work. Just 13% of women admit to doing so. It only takes seven pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear. The Tokyo World Lanes Bowling Center, with 252 lanes, is the largest bowling establishment in the world. A polar bear can eat 100 pounds of seal fat in one sitting. In ancient Egypt, the apricot was called the "egg of the sun." A newborn baby breathes five times faster than an adult man.The Pink Floyd album, "Dark Side of the Moon," stayed on the top 200 Billboard charts for 741 weeks (or 14 years). January is the deadliest month of the year in America, accounting for 9.4% of yearly deaths. The largest snowflake ever found was 15 x 8 inches. It was found on January 28, 1887, in Fort Keogh, Montana. The term "surfing the Internet" was created in 1992 by author Jean Armour Polly. She came up with the term because her mouse pad hada picture of a surfer on it. Just six percent of people say they keep a daily diary. January is National Soup Month. About 1.4 billion spam e-mails are blocked by AOL each day. Plymouth Rock weighs 10 tons.  but one of the actors playing members of the Fellowship of the Ring in the Lord of the Rings trilogy got a tattoo to remember their filmmaking experience. The tattoo was Elvish script symbolizing the number nine. The lone hold-out was John Rhys-Davies, or Gimli the dwarf. The ZIP in "ZIP code" stands for "Zone Improvement Plan." For more than 300 years (1655-1970), the British Navy administered a daily "tot" (two ounces) of rum to each sailor as a health ration. Lots of fishermen use gummi worms as bait.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are. The first mother says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second mother says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'" The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle, "Well?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. When he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

"Feed Me!" begged the packaging for 1996's Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kid. And much like the carnivorous Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, the adorable lineup of Cabbage Patch snack-dolls appeared at first to be harmless. Theymerely wanted a nibble—a carrot perhaps, or maybe some yummy pudding. They would stop chewing when snack time was done—they promised. Then they chomped your child's finger off. In creating this innovative new toy, the great minds at Mattel devised a motorized mouth that sensed neither pleasure nor pain. It chewed for chewing's sake. With no mechanism to turn off the munching should trouble arise, it was only a matter of time before some cherub's long blonde hair got caught in the doll's rabid jaws. After 35 fingers and ponytails fell victim, the Snacktime Kids were removed from retail shelves forever, and 500,000 customers were offered a full $40 refund.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1960: Serial killer Henry Lee Lucas kills his 74 year old mother. He tells Toledo police that he raped her corpse, but later recants this. The murder ends his career as a serial killer; he is variously attributed to having killed between 100 and 600 people. The truth is probably below 100. 1962: In the Peruvian Andes, an avalanche buries 3,000 people alive as the volcano Huascaran erupts. 1964: The US Surgeon General warns against smoking for the first time. It's amazing how many dumbshits need to be told that inhaling smoke is harmful. 1966: Numerous people, including the mayor of Wanaque and their police chief, observe a UFO over Wanaque Reservoir, burning holes in the ice. The Air Force explained it as a weather balloon, but later withdrew that claim and called it a helicopter.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

A good bit of information is coming from the Doctor Who camp about the upcoming third series (what we call season here in the colonies). First off, the show will premiere in March in the UK and in the fall here in the US, most likely on SciFi Channel. David Tennant returns as the Doctor, but without his trusty partner Rose Tyler. That's because, to the disappointment of many fans, Billie Piper decided to quit the show after the second season. She will be replaced by Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones. If the name sounds familiar, or it looks like you've seen her before, that's because she had a small role in the Doctor Who episode "Army of Ghosts". What can the Doctor and Martha look forward to this upcoming season? Well, they'll meet up with William Shakespeare, confront witches and vampires, battle a Dalek invasion in 1930's Manhattan, and reunite with Captain Jack Harkness. As to those rumors about Tennant leaving the series at the end of this season, they may not be as true as originally thought. Right now David is committed through the fourth series of the show. It was rumored that both Robert Carlyle (The Full Monty) and David Morrissey (Basic Instinct 2) were being considered to replace Tennant in the middle of the fourth series. Those rumors have since been denied.

MOVIE BUZZ

The Dark Knight: Does it ever end? As per usual, Batman On Film is spewing out random names of people they claim to be swirling around the Harvey Dent/Two Face role in Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins follow-up, The Dark Knight. As most of you are probably already aware, Billy Dee Williams played Harvey Dent (the District Attorney version) in Tim Burton's original Batman flick, while Tommy Lee Jones picked up the character when he re-emerged as Two Face in Batman Forever. Nolan, on the other hand, seems like he wants the same actor to play both Dent and Two Face (even though there's a pretty good chance the latter baddie won't show up until the third film), and so casting in that respect is not only crucial, but probably pretty tough. You need an actor capable of playing a bold, straight-laced attorney -- but at the same time, someone comfortable with shaking off the good guy image and taking on the nutty, villainous psychopath. Is that something Jamie Foxx can do? After all, he is one of the three possible contenders mentioned -- along with Edward Norton (now, I love that choice) and Eion Bailey. It's important to note that Norton's people have denied all involvement ... though, even if they did know something, there's no way they'd spill anything. Also, Bailey, like Cillian Murphy (who wound up in the part of Scarecrow in Batman Begins) was one of those folks competing for the Batman role before it went to Christian Bale. So, could Nolan pull a "Murphy" and stick Bailey in another role? Obviously he digs the guy, so anything is possible. As far as Jamie Foxx goes, we have no idea how his name found itself on this list ... buuuut, it certainly does raise a few eyebrows.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End: Everyone knows I'm a big fat sucker for the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, so you can probably expect a whole lot of Pirate-related booty to churn out of my keyboard over the next four-plus months. Case in point: AICN just got their hands on a half-dozen rather nifty promotional pics for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. And obviously I think they're awesome.
We get single character posters for the gay William Turner, the lovely Elizabeth Swann, the exceedingly eccentric Captain Jack, the wonderfully resurgent Barbossa and -- oh, cool -- our first good shot of Chow Yun Fat as Captain Sao Feng -- whom I'm willing to bet is a baddie. The coolest promo piece by far is one that collects all five characters into one fairly slick pic. Click right here to enjoy the piratical promotionals. (POTC3 opens on May 25, don't forget. I'm trying to drum up a little support for this little series.)

Wonder Woman: We now officially have another name to throw in the Wonder Woman pot -- this time around, it's actress Sophia Bush who seems to be raising more than a few eyebrows. IESB recently sat down with Bush to discuss her role in The Hitcher remake, and decided to bring up a rumor they had heard awhile back but never wrote about. When asked whether she had discussed playing Wonder Woman with the powers that be, Bush simply replied, "Maybe." Oh, and then she smiled. Bush's name has now been added to a long list of potential actresses up for the role, which includes Bollywood actress Priyanka Chopra, Charisma Carpenter, Jessica Biel, American Idol's Katherine McPhee (chalk that one up as the most bizarre), Rachel Bilson and my wife. Just kidding about the last one. Though we still don't know exactly where Joss Whedon is in the production process (re-writing draft 15, perhaps?), it can't be long before his star is announced. As far as Sophia Bush goes, she fits the perfect age range (unlike back when she was replaced by Claire "Why am I so boring" Danes in Terminator 3 for being "too young"), certainly looks the part (then again, there are thousands of pretty brunettes out there in La La Land) and, according to IESB, she has a kick-ass physique -- one that's capable of, well, kicking ass. So I guess we'll see -- is "maybe" with a smile enough to get excited?

And now for the review of Night At The Museum starring Ben Stiller, Carla Gugino, Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, Ricky Gervais, Robin Williams, Charlie Murphy, Steve Coogan, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson. Stiller battles big dinosaur bones that come to life at his night-watchman gig. Also a monkey. And you'll be pleased to know that Williams does not play the monkey. Then divorced dad Stiller earns the respect of his kid because a movie about dinosaur bones coming to life also has to have a subplot about self-esteem and other human stuff shoehorned into it. This is one of those holiday entertainment machines that have to come out every year for families to go see together. Movies like this should designed to be memorable, not serviceable, something for you to kill two hours together when you're all sick of being in the same house. You get into the entertainment machine; it takes your debit card number; it jostles you around, yells at you in THX, then you get out of the machine and go get ice cream. The best parts of the movie are when Coogan, Gervais and Wilson enter the frame. They don't do this enough. And every time the monkey torments Stiller. It's not all that hilarious, I just like watching Stiller be abused and peed on by a little monkey. There are also good monkey-friend reaction shots of them screaming and clapping. Everything's better with monkeys. This was one of my favorite comedy movies of the year, and the day it comes out on DVD I'm going to buy it.

Well, how's that for a fully loaded Phile. Now, last week I promised a competition, so here it is. I want the Phile to hit over two thousand views this year, so I need your help. Whoever can get the most people to read the Phile will win something. Advertise it on your Myspace page, talk about it on the radio, put up posters all over your college, whatever you do, talk about how much you love the Phile. Then send me proof to the Peverett Phile's Myspace page to prove you did this. I am planning on making a Peverett Phile t-shirt to be sold on cafepress.com which should help. I want my blog to be the most read blog on AOL Journals. Then, maybe it can branch off to its own web page. So, you know what to do. Spread the word, not the turd, and good luck. Get everybody you know to read it...every week. I will now leave you with a random pic.