Sex Machine (If You're A Necrophiliac)

Hello, and welcome to the last Peverett Phile entry of '06. Did you folks have a good Christmas? We had a good one here in the Peverett household. I batted a hunded with Christmas presents though. I got Jen 'ER' and 'Will and Grace' on DVD which she took back to Target. Logan got a wireless remote for his Playstation, but stupid me, didn't realize it was for PS3, not PS2. And if that wasn't enough, the All-American Rejects t-shirt I got for him at Hot Topic was a GIRL's shirt. I swear the lasy in the store said it was for boys, that it was the new fashion. Yeah, but my son is not Emo! At least my psp was right. The U.S. Postal Service has decided that the length of time for someone to be dead before being put on a stamp is five years. Five years? What’s the reason for this? Did Jesus mess this up? We now have to wait five years to make sure someone is dead. Prince Charles is urging people in England to be more friendly to the environment by using bicycles more and their cars less. In fact Prince Charles is doing the same. He is using his royal helicopter less and the royal train more. A woman in Brazil is claiming that her dog has had a litter of babies that are half cat and half dog. President Bush said, "See this is why we need to outlaw gay marriage, otherwise things like this happen.” More controversy with pageant queens. Miss Nevada has been stripped of her crown for illicit pictures of her found on the Internet. People were afraid this could hurt the state’s image. That’s the last thing Nevada needs – an image problem. Partying, drugs, naked pictures with Miss America and Miss Nevada. I can’t wait to see what Miss Universe does! Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell are still feuding. Today Donald said this feud will comb over…blow over. Did you hear about this Long Island man who hired someone to kill his wife before Christmas so he could enjoy the holidays? And his wife is standing by him. She doesn’t believe he could have did it. So now Hillary is only the second most naïve woman in New York. Did you know that Taco Bell is Spanish for Olive Garden? The most popular table at the Olive Garden is the one next to the restroom. Monica Lewinsky has graduated from the London School of Economics. That must have been one lucky class president. Now that she has her degree she is out looking fora desk job. Scientists say that robots will be doing many of the jobs we do in the future. Especially is they are illegal robots from Mexico. Google is now offering maps of the moon for Internet users. Let me tell you, if you are so lost you need a map of the moon you had better just stop and pull over and ask for help. Did you know this is the longest night of the year? And right now it’s about to get longer. New Yorkers are now living longer than ever. The average New Yorker lives to be 78 years-old. Right now a New Yorker born in 2006 will live long enough to see us get out of Iraq.

SHARPENING AXES

2006 was a common year starting on Sunday of the Gregorian calendar. It was the Year of the Dog in the Chinese calendar. The next year of the dog will begin in the year 2018. It has been designated the International Year of Deserts and Desertification by the United Nations General Assembly. The International Asperger's Year, commemorating the 100th anniversary of the birth of Dr Hans Asperger, discoverer of Asperger's Syndrome. The Year of Mozart, celebrating the 250th anniversary of the birth of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. UNESCO had formally recognised sixty-three anniversaries for 2006. January 1st to June 30th, 2006 was predicted to have tied 1998 as the warmest semi-year, for any year since the 1890s. Overall, forecasters and scientists predicted 2006 to be the third warmest year on record, behind 1998, and 2005. In the United Kingdom, it was the hottest year on record. And finally, another interesting fact: Briefcase Full of Blues by the Blues Brothers (1978): On the opening track "I Can't Turn You Loose," Elwood Blues laments that the blues will exist only in the classical music records department of your local public library by 2006.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

My name is C-3P0. I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication and I do a fantastic Al Jolson impersonation.

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

Honey, why is your face glowing? In 1951, A.C. Gilbert introduced his U-238 Atomic Energy Lab, a radioactive learning set we can only assumewas fun for the whole math club. Gilbert, who Americanmemorabilia claims was "often compared to Walt Disney for his creative genius," had a dream that nuclear power could capture the imaginations of children everywhere. For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three "very low-level" radioactive sources, a Geiger-Mueller radiation counter, a Wilson Cloud Chamber (to see paths of alpha particles), a Spinthariscope (to see "live" radioactive disintegration), four samples of Uranium-bearing ores, and an Electroscope to measure radioactivity. And what nuclear lab for kids would be complete without an Atomic Energy Manual and Learn How Dagwood Splits the Atom comic book? (The latter was written with the help of General Leslie Groves, director of the Manhattan Project.) Kids do the darndest things, but not, apparently, nuclear physics. The toy was only sold for one year. It's unclear what effects the Uranium-bearing ores might have had on those few lucky children who received the set, but exposure to the same isotope—U-238—has been linked to Gulf War syndrome, cancer, leukemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments. Even more uncertain is the longterm impact of being raised by the kind of nerds who would give their kid an Atomic Energy Lab.

R.I.P.

Lou Rawls (01/06) Just like a natural man. Jack Snow (01/09) Went deep. Shelley Winters (01/14) She once said, "Now that I'm over sixty, I'm veering toward respectability." She finally crashed right into it. Wilson Pickett (01/19) Ow! You know, I don't feel alright? Huh! Feel pretty bad, y'all! Tony Franciosa (01/19) Game over. Chris Penn (01/24) Is it irony that he died accidentally at 40, and that his last role was in a film called The Darwin Awards? We're just asking. Wendy Wasserstein (01/30) An uncommon woman, to be sure. Nonetheless, she's toast. Coretta Scott King (01/30) Aside from being an icon of the Civil Rights movement, she's also the only person on this page who was not, at one time or another, romantically linked to Shelley Winters. Al Lewis (02/03) Yep, even Grandpa boned Shelley Winters. Betty Friedan (02/04) Betty did her at a Tupperware party back in '79. Curt Gowdy (02/20) Curt nailed her in one of the dugouts at Fenway. Dennis Weaver (02/24) And McCloud used to take her to swing parties out on the high chaparral. Don Knotts (02/24) You don't even want to know what Mr. Furley did to that poor girl. Darren McGavin (02/25) Fra—GEE—lay. Otis Chandler (02/27) Where else but in L.A. could a major metropolitan newspaper be successfully run for decades by the town drunk? Jack Wild (03/01) So, did Witchiepoo get the flute, or what? Dana Reeve (03/06) Yeah, right. Hey, how 'bout you come up with something funny here. Kirby Puckett (03/06)
That's just Kirby being Kirby. Gordon Parks (03/07) And we're betting he stays put, too. John Profumo (03/09) Some British guy who diddled a Russian, or something. Look it up.Bernie 'Boom Boom' Geoffrion (03/11) Out go the lights.Slobodan Milosevic (03/11) Not a very nice man. Maureen Stapleton (03/13) No, not the Dingbat, the other one. Ray Meyer (03/17) DeCeased. Oleg Cassini (03/17 Choked on the cosmic weenie. Buck Owens (03/25) Hee Haw! Lyn Nofziger (03/27) Lying frozen. Caspar Weinberger (03/28) The friendly spook. Gene Pitney (04/05) How can we keep love alive? How can anything survive, when these little minds tear you in two? What's a town without Pitney gonna do? June Pointer (04/11) No, she can't can't. William Sloane Coffin (04/12) This one's pretty obvious, isn't it?
Steve Howe (04/28) The coke addict pitcher, not the shitty guitar player. John Kenneth Galbraith (04/29) Too many names, not enough working organs. Louis Rukeyser (05/02) Take that, Economy Boy! Earl Woods (05/03) If he only coulds.
Floyd Patterson (05/11) Apparently, Mayberry's lovable barber was a pretty good boxer, back in the day. Stanley Kunitz (05/14) Or, as he was known in the poetry world, Stan "The Man" Kunitz. Lloyd Bentsen (05/23) You wouldn't know it to look at him, but this guy was a billion laughs. He fucked a goat once. Desmond Dekker (05/25) Sooner or later, that's what getting up every day and slaving for bread'll do to you. Craig 'Ironhead' Heyward (05/27) Clank! Billy Preston (06/06) Nothing fromnothing leaves nothing. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (06/08) Sadly, we bid farewell to Al-Qaeda's popular night club entertainer and game show host. E. Pierce Marshall (06/20) Not part of the plan. Aaron Spelling (06/23) Our very special thanks to the man who brought Tori into the world. Patsy Ramsey (06/24) There goes her shot at Mother Of The Year honors. Jan Murray (07/02) The Chabad Telethon will never be the same. Kenneth Lay (07/05) Seriously, we ask you, where else in the frickin' universe could you juxtapose a guy like this ...Syd Barrett (07/07)... with a guy like this? June Allyson (07/08) Don't let that "nice girl" routine fool you, she was a ballbuster. Barnard Hughes (07/11) According to his son, Hughes changed the "e" in his first name to an "a" on the advice of a numerologist. Meanwhile, back on planet Earth ....Red Buttons (07/13) Red enjoyed a long and illustrious career in Hollywood, but he is perhaps best remembered for his compelling performance in the role of Jiggs Quealy in the 1985 TV movie Reunion At Fairborough. Or, perhaps not. Mickey Spillane (07/17) She read his mind and her face grew sad, sadder than anything he had ever seen and she turned her eyes on him and he could see clear through them into the goodness of her soul and he knew she wasn’t a blackmailer and his first impression had been right; she was a girl who had come face to face with fate and had lost, but in losing hadn’t lost all, for there was the light of holiness in her face that time when he was her friend, when he thought that a look like that belonged only in a church when you were praying or getting married or something, a light that was there now for him to see while she played a song that told him he was her friend and she was his, a friendship that was more than that, it was a trust and he believed it. What a sap. Jack Warden (07/19)
He knew where the fuck Miami Beach was, dummy. Floyd Dixon (07/26)
Apparently, Mayberry's lovable barber was a pretty good piano player, back in the day. Arthur Lee (08/03) Seven and seven isn't. Mike Douglas (08/11) What a freak!
Bruno Kirby (08/14) And if you doOOoo .... And if you doOOoo ....Maynard Ferguson (08/23) Not gonna fly now. Jon Dough (08/27) One of the great names in porn has done his last double-penetration guy-on-girl-on-guy scene. Glenn Ford (08/30) Ditto. BobMathias (09/02) Y'know, it used to be a big deal, but is there anybody left in the world who even knows what the hell a decathlon is? Steve Irwin (09/04) Crikey. Patty Berg (09/10) On ice. Ann Richards (09/13) Surely you've heard of the best little whorehouse in Texas ...? She ran the place. Oriana Fallaci(09/15)There's a blowjob joke here somewhere, we just know it... Byron Nelson (09/26) Classic. Buck O'Neil (10/06) Buck stops here. Freddy Fender (10/14)
Wasted days and wasted nights. Jane Wyatt (10/20) Mother knows death. Arthur Hill (10/22) Owen Marshall: Counselor at rest. Joe Niekro (10/27) Brother to Hall Of Fame inductee Phil Niekro, Joe put together a lengthy and successful career of his own by perfecting a knuckleball and learning how to cheat. Trevor Berbick (10/27)
What's a Berbick? Red Auerbach (10/28) We're smoking a big, fat cigar right now in his honor. P.W. Botha (10/31) P.U. William Styron (11/01) Lying down in darkness.
Willie Pep (11/05) Well, that doesn't quite work anymore. Ed Bradley (11/09) Realy b ded. Jack Palance (11/10) Believe it ... or not! Milton Friedman (11/16) For Milt, there's no breakfast, lunch or dinner, free or otherwise. Ruth Brown (11/17) Brown is the new black. Bo Schembechler (11/17) Bo don't know nothin'. Robert Altman (11/21) R*I*P Anita O'Day (11/23) G'night. Jeane Kirkpatrick (12/07) Bedwetter.
Augusto Pinochet (12/10) Chile con karma. Peter Boyle (12/12) Tryin' mighty hard to look like Gary Cooper. Lamar Hunt (12/13) The Hunt is over. Ahmet Ertegun (12/14) Urgent: Heat me. Joe Barbera (12/18) Whoops. James Brown (12/25)
Papa's in a brand new bag. Gerald Ford (12/26) Our long national nightmare is over.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1983: Dennis Wilson, original drummer of the Beach Boys, drowned while diving from a boat near Marquesas Pier. He was rather drunk at the time. 1987: R. Gene Simmons kills two coworkers and injures four others in Russellville Arkansas, and then surrenders. The busy man had killed 14 of his relatives over the Christmas holidays. 1991:  Jack Ruby's pistol, used to kill Lee Harvey Oswald, sells at auction at Christie's for $220,000.

And now, the last MOVIE BUZZ of the year.

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 3: Finally, we got a trailer … but still no confirmation of the alleged fourth villain. Last year, I was despairing that it was still 500 days until opening weekend. Only 134 more to go.

Casino Royale: You don't hear much from the CraigIsNotBond.com crew these days, do ya? A kickass performance by Daniel Craig shut 'em up. Of course, now the franchise can begin its long, slow descent into complacency once again. How long before the haters are back online calling for his head?

X-Man: The Last Stand: The only thing worse than a horrible bomb is a sequel that's just plain mediocre. Note to Brett Ratner: If you're going to fail, at least fail big. Bring on the Wolverine and Magneto spinoffs, and we'll forget this lame finale ever happened.

The Dark Knight: For my money, Batman Begins is the best superhero movie ever — yes, even better than Spider-Man 2 and X2. With Heath Ledger as the Joker, I expect the Dark Knight to be my new No. 1 as of July 18, 2008.

The Hobbit Peter Jackson's going to direct! Wait, no — never mind. Wait, yes — he's back. Oh, no — he isn't. How on Middle-earth could they not hire the guy who made three awesome Lord of the Rings movies that each made a bajillion dollars! At some point in the coming year, there'll be a Ringer uprising that will bring Hollywood to its knees. Or at least make it come to its senses.

Superman Returns: For $270 million, you'd think they could cook up more than a boring story about a guy trying to grow a continent (huh?) with Kryptonite. Supe doesn't even get to nail Lois in the end. All the blabbing about Brandon Routh's superbulge was more exciting. Why, exactly, do we need a follow-up?

And now, my reviews for Eragon and Charlotte's Web. Eragon starring Ed Speleers, Jeremy Irons, Sienna Guillory, Robert Carlyle, Djimon Hounsou, Garrett Hedlund, Joss Stone, Rachel Weisz, John Malkovich. A Luke Skywalker (some blond kid named Eragon) and the Millennium Falcon (a smart-alecky lady dragon voiced by Weisz) fights victory over a Darth Vader (an evil king played by Malkovich). An Obi-Wan Kenobi (a formerly dragon-riding Irons) helps him rescue a Princess Leia (Guillory) with the help of the mystical Force (standing in here as Magic because no one bothered to think up a better kooky name for it). The biggest surprise is that he doesn't have to carry a powerful gold ring with him, too. Now,I know that Star Wars was a pastiche of borrowed items as well. Just because I was a kid when it came out in 1977 doesn't mean I think it had no precedent. But dang, if this is what a 15-year-old author dreams up on his way to bestseller status (the original novel did that, as did the first sequel, also planned for the big screen), then someone should have checked out the kid's DVD library to see the sources of his inspiration. Yes, 15. That's how old author Christopher Paolini was when he self-published his debut novel. This Movie is for kids. Young kids — it's a simple PG. Young kids with parents smart enough to find someone else to chaperone them. Exception: parents who work in digital effects in Hollywood already. Those parents should go see it and check out the best thing in the movie — the expressive and elaborately articulated she-dragon. Not that any of that artistry saves the movie from being totally dull, but it's a good character all the same. Charlotte's Web starred Dakota Fanning and the voices of Julia Roberts, Steve Buscemi, Oprah Winfrey, John Cleese, Cedric the Entertainer, Kathy Bates, Reba McEntire, Robert Redford, Thomas Haden Church, André Benjamin. Finally, a decent adaptation of the classic E.B. White book about the spider that saves a little pig's life with carefully chosen words. And, yeah, I'm saying that the 1973 Hanna-Barbera animated version was crap. I've thought that since I was eight years old and have waited all this time to get to say it in print. This one gets it right; it's as gentle, literate and not-condescending-to-kids-at-all as the book. Parents, it's your duty to read this book to your little kids. Also take them to see this movie. In whatever order you choose. I am not a crying person at movies. Some people cry at movies, some cry over moments that deserve tears in their real life. I am usually the latter. But I think I just figured out that a well-made movie about kids and animals will melt me into a puddle. Like a big dumb baby. About seven times before the end credits rolled. Buscemi's Templeton the rat and Cleese as the lead sheep are the best comic relief. Everyone else is fine, too. Even Oprah doesn't overdo it like you think she might. Fans of the book, be relieved, no annoying additions to worry about; they've stuck to the book for the most part, including key passages of White's text via Sam Shepard's narration. And if you're a really big fan of the book, you'll notice that the opening and closing credits are a very faithful approximation of Garth Williams' original illustrations. Only the most easily upset literalists will have any beef with this. Apparently, the actual geese used in the movie were so mean and prone to biting the other animals and human members of the cast that they had to be filmed separately and digitally inserted into shots. Oprah seemed to think this was very funny.

Okay, there you have it, the long winded last entry of the Peverett Phile for this year. next year will be as exciting, I promise. Hope you all have a safe New Year's, and I will see you next week when we celebrate one year of the Phile. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.