Pheaturing Dan Baird

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. Did you have a good weekend? Well, it certainly didn’t take long for Georgia residents to cause quite the commotion in the middle of a busy parking lot. A hilarious and absolutely dumb (but impressive) video is now going viral online, showing a fight in the middle of the Cumberland Mall parking lot in Atlanta. This just two days after Georgia reopened its business back up. Safe to say, well, the state probably didn’t see this coming when they decided to overlook the whole Coronavirus pandemic. The 17-second viral video, which by the way is lacking a lot of contexts, opens up with three women fighting each other while a male security guard tries to break up the brawl. The scariest part of this whole incident is that the security guard is the only one seen wearing a face mask of all four of them, who were clearly not practicing distancing guidelines. Which yes, although the mall is open, it expects business and people to follow social distancing guidelines which are still in effect in the state of Georgia despite the push to return to normality. So, as a security guard pushes the woman down and restrains them on the ground, the third woman decides to reach down and pull a bag away, getting a couple of punches in there too. That’s when a man out of nowhere comes into the frame kicking one of the women pretty much across the country and performs a stunt straight out of "Dragon Ball Z." Yes, my man sucker kicked the heck out of this woman who probably didn’t deserve it, because well let’s face it, that was a lot of force for one person. Still, the man continues to then punch the security guard over and help one of the women wrestling on the ground as they both run for their freedom. Probably in shock and confused as to why this man basically dropkicks this woman’s spirit out of her body, no one chased them after they ran. That’s when the video ends unexpectedly. It’s truly a mess of a video, if you look really closely there’s a lot going on that can’t be explained. According to authorities, it’s still unknown who was recording the footage but the video currently has more than 175,000 likes as of May 7th. So you know this video has been circling around all over social media. Will they find the people involved? Sure, most probably, you know they’ll probably get charged with some hefty crimes. I guess this goes to show you some of us have been inside for way too long, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to literally knock someone out and pretend you’re in Mortal Kombat whenever you see someone in public getting in a fight. This dude seriously needs to get some anger management classes because this is insane. America for you.
Decades after the Vietnam War, retired Army Command Sgt. Maj. Bennie Adkins had a simple way of explaining how he survived mortar attacks and rifle bullets that killed so many people all around him. “It was not my day,” he’d say. Then the coronavirus found Adkins and felled its first Medal of Honor recipient on April 17th. Adkins, 86, was an Alabama war hero who returned home to become an accountant, teach night courses to adults trying to better themselves and launch a nonprofit foundation awarding scholarships to veterans. The resident of the small city of Opelika received the nation’s highest military honor from then-President Barack Obama during a 2014 White House ceremony. While deeply honored and humbled, Adkins deflected attention from his courageous actions fighting off waves of enemy attackers at a strategic point in South Vietnam. “What I did is not heroic. What I did was… that was my job. That was what I was trained for. That was what I was paid for as a professional soldier and I was trying to do the job in a professional way,” Adkins said in an oral history project for the Library of Congress after the award ceremony. Adkins died three weeks after being admitted to the same hospital where one of his five children, Dr. Keith Adkins, works as a surgeon. The son said his father was married for 60 years and gave back whatever he could around Opelika, an old railroad town of about 31,000 people near Auburn University, helping others not only in wartime but also at home. “We want his legacy to be not just what he did in the military,” said Keith Adkins, who wasn’t involved in his father’s care. “We want to show that character that he had and what it led him to do when he was out of the military.” Born on a farm in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl drought that reduced much of the topsoil in the central U.S. to powder, Adkins was in the middle of seven children. “We learned to work, we learned to be conservative, and with a large family, we learned to share,” he said. More interested in women than academics after entering college, Adkins dropped out and was soon drafted. He liked the idea of the military as a career but wanted more than an administrative position or regular infantry job. So he applied for the Special Forces, made it through a lengthy training regimen and landed in Vietnam in 1963 for the first of three tours. About three years later, at age 32, Adkins fought the battle that brought him a lifetime of accolades. A sergeant first class at the time, Adkins was in charge of a mortar crew at a U.S. military camp in the A Shau Valley of South Vietnam, near the border with Laos, when the Viet Cong opened fire on March 9th, 1966. He ran through exploding mortar rounds to drag several troops to safety, according to his medal citation, and then exposed himself to sniper fire to carry wounded comrades to medical care. The main attack came a day later. Though wounded and with most of his crew dead or wounded, Adkins fought off waves of attackers from a mortar pit and then killed many more enemy troops from a communications bunker. Adkins suffered 18 wounds... including to an eye and his torso ... but killed at least 135 enemy troops. During the battle, Adkins recounted, bullets hit and killed a wounded man he was carrying on his back to safety. At another point, Adkins, a one-time baseball catcher, snagged a North Vietnamese hand grenade in mid-air and hurled it back at the enemy. Finally ordered to evacuate the camp, Adkins escaped with a few others into the jungle and they were rescued two days later by a helicopter. That ending might have been much different... but for a tiger that was also in the jungle. “This tiger could smell the blood on us, and surrounded us, and the North Vietnamese soldiers that had us surrounded was more afraid of the tiger than they were of us. They backed off and gave us room and we were gone again,” said Adkins, who co-authored a 2018 book about his wartime exploits titled A Tiger Among Us. After retiring from the Army in 1978 after more than 20 years, Adkins earned a bachelor’s degree in finance and master’s degrees in management and education from Alabama’s Troy University while running an accounting firm in Auburn. For years, Adkins taught night classes at two colleges and a jail for adults seeking their high school equivalency degrees. And in 2017, he established The Bennie Adkins Foundation, which has provided about 50 educational scholarships to Special Forces soldiers. “He was really committed to help others advance themselves,” said Katie Lamar Jackson, who co-authored Adkins’ book. Adkins’ family plans for him to be buried beside his wife Mary, who died last year, at Arlington National Cemetery. But it’s impossible to say when that might happen because of the pandemic. “We’re not even going to have a local funeral now,” his son said. “There is no way we can follow the social distancing rules and have a funeral.”
A mother of two from the United Kingdom says she’s been keeping coronavirus free, as well as flu and cold free, by drinking smoothies with a shot of sperm in them. Thirty-two-year-old personal trainer Tracy Kiss of Aylesbury told Metro that since 2017 she has been drinking smoothies enhanced with a shot of her boyfriend’s semen, and since she began doing so she hasn’t had a single case of the flu or any colds. She also, obviously, hasn’t come down with coronavirus either. On account of the sperm beverages. Kiss says the sperm smoothies are a great... and vegan... way to boost the immune system. She likens it to a mother breastfeeding her child. She says it’s best to use sperm as close to its "production" as possible, though sometimes she has to freeze her boyfriend’s sperm because the two are in a long-distance relationship. Her freezer literally has ice cube trays filled with frozen jizz. Very medical. She also puts the sperm on her face to clear up her skin. She did not elaborate on how that application process takes place. All of this, by the way, is totally unproven. The W.H.O., CDC, and exactly zero doctors say this is an effective preventative treatment for any illness. Burn that fridge. Nuke that fridge, actually. Then take whatever remains and launch it into space. How close to her kids’ ice cream is this frozen sperm? If the answer is “Under 500 yards” then that’s too close. I suspect that is, in fact, the answer. Emergen-C boosts your immune system too, just FYI. And the cool thing about Emergen-C is that it isn’t jizz that you have store near your kids’ popsicles. Does the boyfriend beat off directly into the ice cube trays? And then they go into the freezer. God that’s a lot. That’s so much. That’s everything. Every single thing in the universe. That’s how “a lot” that is. Too much, if you will.
A few weeks ago, President Donald Trump talked about injecting disinfectants into the human body against the coronavirus during a White House briefing. Now, as ridiculous as that sounds, thankfully, brands Lysol and Dettol issued press releases in response to that by asking consumers of their products not to actually physically consume their products. I don’t think everyone got the silver lining of this situation. In Mesa, Arizona, Wanda Lenius watched a few of President Trump’s White House briefings, which sparked a brilliant idea in her head. In fear of her health and the health of her 68-year-old husband, Gary Lenius, Wanda decided to follow the idea in her head that President Trump’s speech about injecting disinfectants apparently inspired. She said in an interview, “We saw Trump on TV... every channel... and all of his buddies and that this was safe and that it was, you know, okay to take... and that may well be true, but we didn’t know the proper dosage and or anything.” So what did she do exactly? Wanda took fish tank cleaner, the same stuff the couple uses to clean the tank of their koi fish, and put a teaspoon of it in their soda. Gary and his wife Wanda then proceeded to drink the cleaner. Yes, they in fact, proceeded to drink the fish tank cleaner, and the results were not pretty. The koi fish tank cleaner has a form of chloroquine phosphate, a chemical used in fish tanks to treat fish for parasites. After Wanda and Gary ingested the chemical, they both became gravely ill within 20 minutes. Wanda called the Mesa City Police Department, and they were both taken to the hospital. While Wanda survived after being in critical condition for a few days, Gary had died at the hospital. The case is not being investigated as a homicide, although homicide detectives are investigating. Mesa Police Department spokesman Jason Flam told NBC News, “This investigation is not being treated as a homicide. The death of Gary Lenius has not been ruled a homicide at this time.” Flam went on to explain that the homicide unit “investigates all reported deaths within the City of Mesa” ... from deaths related to car accidents to the elderly in hospice.” He states that it is still an active investigation, even though no sign of foul play has been found. I get that the coronavirus pandemic is making people go a little crazy, but surely we can do better with the information we are given. According to a report by the New York Times, there is a direct link between Trump suggesting the injections of disinfectant drugs like chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine, drugs that treat autoimmune diseases and malaria, and a surge in first-time prescriptions. At least those are from pharmacies. I really truly don’t know where I would possibly find the credibility behind the idea of ingesting actual disinfectant ingredients, much less some from koi fish tank cleaner. But also, could it be possible that there is foul play? I’ll leave you with this, Wanda apparently told the Washington Free Beacon that she and her husband “weren’t big supporters” of Trump, revealing campaign finance records to show she has donated thousands to Democratic causes. What really is going on here then?
Congress passed the CARES Act (the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security Act) back in March. The $2.2 trillion federal law automatically suspended principal and interest payments on federal student loans through September 30th, 2020. This act includes suspending wage garnishment, which is when the court orders your employer to take a percentage out of your paycheck to pay off your debts, something common with student loans. However, even with the chaos that the coronavirus pandemic brought on the economy, the Education Department is under heat for allegedly not following through. Elizabeth Barber, a home health aide, is the lead plaintiff in a class action lawsuit against Education Secretary Betsy Devos. She, along with other student advocacy groups, Student Defense, and the National Consumer Law Center (NCLC), are suing the Secretary of Education for allegedly continuing to collect garnished wages of student borrowers, despite the passing of the CARES Act. The Department of Education is allowed to withhold up to 15% of wages of those in student debt, so the lawsuit is demanding that the Education Department cease doing so. On April 16th, Senator Cory Booker and Representative Ayanna Pressley, along with 40 other Congress members, sent a letter to the Secretary of Education, demanding that the Department of Education stop collecting federal student loan debt from garnished wages and to let the student borrowers who were affected know when they can receive their refunds. Elizabeth Barber makes $12.36 an hour as a home health aide and has been working fewer hours because of the coronavirus pandemic. Her argument comes from the Education Department still taking parts of her paycheck to go to her student loans, despite the passing of the CARES Act. The NCLC have also backed up Barber’s claims by mentioning that they have been receiving many of the same complaints similar to Barber’s. In a statement, Persis Yu, director of the NCLC, said, “Right now, low-wage workers hit hardest by the economic impact of the pandemic need their paychecks to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads.” However, Education Department spokeswoman Angela Morabito argued back, explaining that the department is in the process of notifying employers to stop the wage garnishment. Although the Department of Education hasn’t commented specifically on this class action lawsuit, they apparently are committing to processing the refunds of those whose wages have already been garnished. Morabito continued to explain, “Payments we receive via garnished wages will be immediately processed for refund, and the employer will be contacted again to ensure the guidance to stop garnishing wages is understood. The Department relies on employers to stop garnishing wages, but is taking every measure to contact employers and refund garnished wages to borrowers until.” With Trump and the federal government passing a couple of federal laws to alleviate the economical stress that the coronavirus pandemic put on the country, it seems completely counterproductive for a federal department to be continuing to collect wages regardless. Maybe it is taking the Department of Education a little longer to enforce the CARES Act, but I think it’s ridiculous that after almost two months of this issue, student borrowers are still having struggles like Elizabeth Barber. I can only hope that any good thing that could possibly come out of this coronavirus pandemic will be a reset of everything, including government. I believe this pandemic is exposing the loopholes that have been needing fixing.
Man, those protestors have the worse signs...

Rude, even those it's a good pun. So, the bees have started preparing for the Murder Hornets...

Hahahahahahahahaha. I still don't like bees... or wasps, or hornets or any bloody thing that would sting me. I don't carry an EpiPen for nothing. Moving on... If I had a TARDIS I would probably wind up in Germany where an orphan tried to sell he his father's Iron Cross in exchange for cigarettes.

Cigarettes were used as a black market currency in post-war Germany. So the orphan was in all likelihood not trying to buy cigarettes because he was a smoker, but because the cigarettes were currency which could be used to buy food. I wonder whatever happened to that kid. Movie theaters are getting pretty clever with their marquee signs since this whole pandemic business.

So, before you run out because places are opening... just remember this is how far back the testing swab has to go...

You know I live in Florida, right? well, there's stuff that happens here that happens no where else.

Florida: not even once. America’s wang is at it again with terrifying wildlife that shouldn’t exist. This time a giant Asian water monitor lizard is running around some innocent person’s backyard in Davie, Florida. It’s six feet long and, according to experts, will definitely bite you if it feels like it, which is especially problematic because it’s the size of a large adult human and this particular homeowner has kids. The lizard has evaded capture for multiple days. Even professional trappers have had no luck wrangling the thing. When people aren’t trying to capture it, however, the lizard appears to enjoy walking right up to the family’s sliding glass door, almost definitely because of the delicious smelling children behind them, because Florida. The Asian water monitor is an invasive species to the state. Like most of the gross, stupid wildlife in Florida, they were once pets that were set free into the swampy wilderness during meth house raids and common law divorces that involved throwing the items of one’s partner out the window of the couple’s shared and potentially mobile domicile. The lizard has yet to be caught but at this point it might just be cheaper and easier for the homeowners...  Maria and Zach Lieberman... to take the thing down themselves. There’s no reason to capture it. It’s invasive. It’s almost certain at least one of their neighbors have a weird cache of weapons they could borrow to off this thing. Katanas, 3D printed assault rifles, a knockoff Elon Musk flamethrower, some sort of crossbow but it shoots kitchen knives. Whatever. This is Florida! Somebody’s got something. And why shouldn’t they be armed like lunatics? Look at the type of shit we deal with down here. Monster pythons are killing everything. How long before exotic pet owning Florida morons start releasing chimpanzees they can no longer care for... and have also given a taste for meat because they only fed them hamburgers and gas station chicharrones... into the wild? That is a believable Florida outcome and you know it. That’s how the real Planet of the Apes is going to start. Monkeys owned as exotic pets in Florida being released into the wild by their aging owners and conquering the state. This freakin’ state.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. The killer combination of a pandemic, Murder Hornets, and a world without basketball has made 2020 a year we will absolutely try to forget. Who could have possibly seen this coming, other than public health experts for decades? "The Simpsons" and Space Jam, that's who. So here is a new pheature called...

Okay, now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Things Said By Moms About The Realities Of Motherhood In 2020

5. My son just sang "Boats n' Hoes" to his elderly choir teacher on Zoom so I think that about wraps homeschool for today.

4. My kids asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I said for there to be no arguing and then they all started arguing about who would probably be the first one to start an argument.

3. Our homeschool dismissal bell sounds less like a ding and more like me crying.

2. I guess a silver lining of quarantine is the fact that I've been perfecting the lazy morning "do nothing" vibe in my pajamas for eight weeks now. Mother's Day should be great.

And the number one thing said by a mom about the realities of motherhood in 2020 is...

1. I love to open my window to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids' middle names.

Hahahaha. That's cool. I want to try that thing. Okay, let's take a look and see what is going on in Port Jeff, shall we?

Not a whole lot but it looks like it rained. Pandemic-induced lockdowns aren't bringing out most people's most patient side. And one man proved that to be the case when he wrote to the Phile for advice over the screaming baby who lives next door. He's upset that his neighbor brings her newborn outside for an hour every day so he spoke to her about it... and about the fact that his sons saw her breastfeeding. Oh, the humanity. Now, there's a feud going on between this man and the baby's dad, who also lives there. Yikes. They've all been neighbors for about a year.

"I’ll start with context. Our current next door neighbors moved in last year. It was an older (50s-ish) couple and their college age daughter. They were nice enough and I assumed the daughter was going to be attending the nearby university, which would’ve been fine for a family-oriented neighborhood like ours, but she’s not going to school and I don’t even think she’s had a job this whole time either. Okay, not my business." So we know he's nosy. He continues, "But soon enough I notice a guy I hadn’t seen before suddenly living there too. I’m still friends with the lady who lived in the house before them (their landlord) so I asked her if she knew about the new guy and she said he wasn’t on the original lease but he was the daughter’s boyfriend who’d gotten her pregnant. I wasn’t thrilled, but I let it go." The daughter's baby has arrived, loudly, as babies do. "Fast forward to now when everyone’s sheltering in place and things got claustrophobic. Our backyards are separated by fences only, so we can hear each other pretty well. I make sure my own kids aren’t too rowdy or loud in the pool when they’re out there, but the daughter next door had her baby about a month ago and the baby SCREAMS." This guy is angry that she has the audacity to calm the baby down outside... and nurse al fresco. "The daughter takes the baby out and sits on a swing with it at about lunchtime each day, and doesn’t go back inside until AFTER it calms down, which can take as much as an hour sometimes! The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I overheard my kids (13 and 15-year-old boys) snickering about seeing her breastfeeding the baby from one of our second story windows. It made me feel like the daughter wasn’t really respecting the neighborhood." He confronted the new mom and told her she's "ruining the neighborhood." "So a few days ago I politely initiated a conversation with her from over the fence when she was out with the baby again and pretty much told her my concerns. She started making excuses about being stuck inside all day and wanting to give her baby a more “stimulating environment." I told her she’s not doing the baby any favors by letting it cry outside and ruining the neighborhood for everyone. After that she got up and went in the house and I haven’t seen her outside since." Now the new mom's boyfriend is getting involved. "Yesterday I was doing some work in the front yard when the daughter’s boyfriend walked up to me and demanded an explanation from me since apparently his girlfriend found our conversation ”upsetting” and cried. I told him exactly what went down but it didn’t help. He even accused me of racism (because his girlfriend and her family are black) and I told him that he was being ridiculous and I hope they both grow up for the sake of their baby. He started cussing me out before the girlfriend called him back inside." Even his kids think he's an asshole. "My wife was witness to both of these incidents so she’s on my side. But she told our kids what happened and now they’re saying I’m the one that made things awkward and that THEY’RE embarrassed. I tried explaining my side of things but they’re not having it. I know they were willing to suffer to keep the peace but I feel like I did the neighborhood a favor even if this one neighbor and her family don’t like me anymore. Am I wrong?" He also claims he talked to his sons about spying on the mom while she was feeding her baby. "I TALKED TO MY SONS ALREADY. I made it very clear that it’s impolite to stare, but I guess expecting some common courtesy in return is a crime against humanity? Guess none of us will ever look out the second story window ever again! Christ." Sir, you would be an asshole no matter what, but blaming the woman for breastfeeding on her own property really takes it to another level. It's a freaking baby. Babies scream/cry. The nursing confrontation though, makes you a major asshole. So your kids are peeping on a woman breastfeeding in her backyard and you're blaming the woman? You  seem confused about what "family neighborhood" means also you got angry when a (black) family moved in next door and got even angrier when the (black) family next door had a baby.  Hmm... I am thinking your objection is not, in fact, about it being a family neighborhood. Wonder what it could possibly be that bothers him so much about this family? So there you have it: babies are allowed to scream outside in a pandemic, and moms are allowed to breastfeed. If you have a problem and you want my opinion email at thepeverettphile@gmail.com. Now for some sad news...

Jerry Stiller 

June 8th, 1927 — May 11th, 2020 

The 2020 Airing of Grievances will not be postponed in his honor. 

Little Richard 

December 5th, 1932 — May 9th, 2020 

From the early, early mornin' till the early, early night, the embalmer dealin' with this hairdo gonna say it still ain't right. 

Roy Horn 

October 3rd, 1944 — May 8th, 2020 

He always blamed himself for getting mauled onstage by a tiger. In his defense, everyone else blamed him, too.

President Donald Trump was continuing his push to get states reopened as he praised another Republican governor for rolling back state coronavirus restrictions while welcoming that governor, Greg Abbott of Texas, to the White House. That reopening comes despite Texas failing to meet the administration’s recommended benchmarks. Trump also held a National Day of Prayer service in the Rose Garden Thursday, praying for frontline workers and the families of those who have fallen sick. “Texas is opening up and a lot of places are opening up. And we want to do it, and I’m not sure that we even have a choice,” Trump told reporters. “I think we have to do it. You know, this country can’t stay closed and locked down for years.” Abbott’s visit comes as he faces mounting pressure back home to reboot the Texas economy at a faster pace, even as cases in his state are on the upswing. Restaurants and retailers in the state have already been allowed to resume limited service and hair salons and barber shops will be allowed to reopen Friday. Just hours before appearing with Trump, Abbott removed jail as a punishment for flouting virus safeguards still in place in Texas amid an outcry over a Dallas salon owner who was jailed for keeping her business open in defiance of Abbott’s restrictions. Texas is among a long list of states that have been gradually allowing business to reopen despite failing to reach the guidelines spelled out by the White House last month. Those guidelines recommend that states wait until they have seen a two-week decline in documented cases before beginning phased reopenings. Texas has had more than 34,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19 and more than 940 deaths. And cases have been creeping up. The state has averaged 1,043 new cases a day in the seven days since stay-at-home orders expired May 1st, up from an average of 846 new cases daily during the seven days prior. That’s a 23% increase. But Abbott on Thursday insisted the state was containing the spread and had created “surge forces” to deal with virus flareups, with a focus on jails, meatpacking plants and senior homes, where the virus has proven particularly deadly. “It’s like putting out a fire,” he said, echoing language used by Trump. Trump has taken a hands-off approach to the reopening process, insisting that decisions be left to the states. “The governors have great power as to that given by us,” he said. The president has not spelled out what authority he is referring to. During a visit to deliver protective gear to a nursing home in Alexandria, Virginia, Vice President Mike Pence brushed off states’ disregard for the federal guidance, saying he was “very confident that governors are moving in a responsible way.” “It appears to me that states are taking a phased approach,” he told reporters. “They’re following the data, they’re following the science and they are implementing the kind of testing and resource assessment that is contemplated in the president’s guidelines to open up America again.” Governors across the country have been struggling with the competing priorities of averting deaths that could be prevented, while trying to mitigate near-unprecedented economic suffering. Trump in recent days has been trying to persuade Americans to accept the human cost of returning to normalcy as he tries to quickly reverse the economic meltdown ahead of the November election. “We’re looking forward to getting on with it,” Trump said Thursday, later adding, “We’re all warriors together.” Later, in the Rose Garden, the president and first lady Melania Trump expressed their sympathies for those who have lost loved ones before faith leaders from different religious affiliations offered prayers from a separate lectern. “In recent days and weeks, our country has endured a grave hardship. We pray for every family stricken with grief and devastated with a tragic loss,” as well as the doctors, nurses and first responders “waging war against the invisible enemy,” Trump said.

The 124th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Ellie will be the guest on the Phile on Friday. Okay, wanna laugh?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing." 

Today's guest is an American singer-songwriter, musician and producer. He is best known as the lead singer and rhythm guitarist from the 1980s rock band the Georgia Satellites. His latest albums 

"Screamer" and "Battleship Chains - Live 2CD/DVD" are available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Dan Baird.

Me: Hey, Dan, welcome to the Phile. I'm a big fan and have bene trying to get you on the Phile since 2018. How are you?

Dan: It's my pleasure, thank you very much. Glad to be finally here.

Me: I was a big fan from your song "I Love You Period," which is from my favorite albums from the 90s, "Love Songs For the Hearing Impaired." That must of been a cool time for you, right?

Dan: Yeah, well, I've gone solo at that point. It's fine of that's all people remember me from, I've got a handshake to the world.

Me: Do people know you from that era or the Georgia Satellites stuff?

Dan: They make up their minds if they want to go deeper or not. Most folks don't because, jeez, look at broadcast television. Most people don't wanna dig very deep. They just don't.

Me: When the Georgia Satellites first came out your music was different than most music on the radio I think at the time. Did you see how your song "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" was gonna be a hit?

Dan: Shit, we didn't see it.

Me: How did you guys get airplay and get noticed?

Dan: There was a fella named Mike Bowen who was head of promotions at Elektra Records that knew damn good and well it could happen. Talked Kevin Patrick and Howard Thompson into us. They wanted to but were a little worried about our reception and Mike was going nah, this is gonna happen. He was head of radio promotions for Elektra at the time and he turned out to be right and he could sell it so sell it he did.

Me: Do you think your music was unique then?

Dan: We were cutting against the current which would get us noticed, it made get us noticed badly or may get us noticed favorably. We just didn't know. Trying to unravel that is a gordian knot, its not going to go anywhere, we just had to blow it up. It doesn't make any sense, we cannot really say why it worked. I don't know, it just worked. If we go any deeper than that we are just doing it for fun.

Me: Did you think you were unique?

Dan: No, we were not unique at all. We sounded familiar and newer at the same time. That's all I can say. There was nothing new there but on the radio it was different than anything else that was being played at that time. So we had a uniqueness, a familiarity, and it sounded fresh only because people hadn't done it in years. It's been awhile since "Hot Legs."

Me: I was living in England at the time and didn't hear about you guys until maybe I got the soundtrack to Cocktail and "Hippy Hippy Shake" was on it. What other bands were out similar to you guys like you at that time?

Dan: The Fabulous Thunderbirds and there was Jason and the Scorchers on the other side. We were right in between those two bands. Then later there was the Black Crowes...

Me: Were you into those bands?

Dan: Yeah, it's all from the same cloth. People who borrow heavy from the past lovingly. That's all what we were doing. All I continue to do.

Me: What happened to the Georgia Satellites that made you go the solo route in the 90s?

Dan: Well, the band had had its run. There was a falling apart and I just went I don't want to watch this in slow motion. So I knocked it on the head. Plus I wanted to branch out to more than what I thought the Satellites should of been. So I said I could do it under my own name, and do anything I want to. "Julie and Lucky" came along, there was a while lot of stuff like that... "Dixie Beauxderaunt." The Satellites could've done, but... it felt a lot fresher with just me at the helm.

Me: I loved that album sooo much. After that album you had an album called "Buffalo Nickel," which I missed. What can you say about that album?

Dan: Ha, basically nobody knows about. It's a good record but the style had changed. There was a bunch of rock bands out there at that point.

Me: After that what did you do, Dan?

Dan: After that I kinda went underground, played with the Yayhoos for a few years and then started coming back and doing tours in Europe, which when Will Hodge finally came on board it was a rock band and we decided to make a record. So there you go. Now we're up to date.

Me: Yeah. Okay, you have a newish band called Homemade Sin... who is in that band with you?

Dan: Okay, on drums I have Mauro Magellan, who has been with me from the Satellites days. Me and him just work great together. That's just that. On guitar I've got Warner Hodges who plays with Jason & the Scorchers. So that's an interesting thing there. He wanted to widen his palette and get more adventurous as a guitar player. Plus having a second rock and roll rhythm guitar player with him was going to be more interring for them. Jason just doesn't play that much guitar, guitar, guitar. He's a better front man than I'll ever be but I'm a better guitar player than he is. I played acoustic guitar on "Halcyon Times," the Scorchers last release, so that Jason would be freed up for live vocals, which worked out pretty well. So I don't think he'll be mad at me for saying that. That brings us to Sean Savacool on bass whose been with the band since September. Our previous bassist, Micke Nilsson, from Sweden had to go home to perform daddy duties. He didn't want to leave but he had to.

Me: Cool. Didn't you have another bass player?

Dan: Yeah, Keith Christopher, our previous bass player the original guy in the band, he had to go get himself straightened up and he kinda landed on his feet. He's the bassist for Lynyrd Skynyrd right now. I always told him if he equated up I'd never be able to afford him and that's the truth.

Me: The band is pretty cool sounding, right? What do you think of them?

Dan: Ummm. Sean's young, he's 23-years-old and been in a band but I've never heard of them. I've never heard of anybody, not anymore, I'm an old guy now.

Me: I was surprised to see you guys do a lot of shows in Europe. Are you really popular over there? 

Dan: Yes. Those people know the real thing when they hear it and they appreciate it. Now if I go and play in a small club and demand lots and lots of money right off the bat I'm going to fail. I have to work it and show them I'm not going to be one of those American artists who comes over and phones it in, and doesn't give a damn, and just there to make a pay check. How am I supposed to make a living kind of guy. Those people exist out there and it's really a shame. If you give them heart, they'll give it back, and they'll pay me. I don't know how else to put it. I have to fulfill my side of the bargain first.

Me: Are the audiences bigger in Europe at this point in your career?

Dan: Yes. Oh, yes.

Me: Why do you think that is?

Dan: You got to remember in the 60s all the 50s be-bop and traditional jazz guys went over to Europe for their audience. The Europeans go, "Look, we can't do this. We know that, we'll pay to see it done." When I see a Mexican restaurant over in Sweden I want to go in the back in the kitchen and see somebody of Hispanic decent cooking. Or I'll just leave. It's not going to be any good. It's going to taste like grandma's idea of Mexican.

Me: Ha. Good point. I have to talk about your guitars. You play the Telecaster... was that your first guitar?

Dan: No, I changed over I think probably in '79. I saw NRBQ, and Big Al Anderson was using a Tele, a brown super and an echoplex, That was it and that was it. I was like that's for me. I started going thinking, like okay, there's Keith Richards, Bruce, they all seem to be doing okay with just the Tele.

Me: What do you like about it?

Dan: It's a great all around guitar. It's a little thin for a strict 3-piece, that's why you don't see a lot of 3-piece guitar players with Tele's. It doesn't necessary have that fullness of tone but when I match it up with anything from the Gibson family it creates as they said in "Monty Python," "a nice two level effect." They don't step on each other. You can have two guys doing complex things, and it turns orchestral... really quickly. We are not playing the same versions of chords. I'm talking to the guitar players who are reading this now. Especially you guys who aren't singing, if you guy's think of a more interesting way to play that G chord, let the singer make the folk G, you do something else. Go listen to Mike Campbell. He's got a lot of good ideas. Start there. Then go to Steve Cropper and then whatever you want. There you go.

Me: Do you play vintage stuff, Dan?

Dan: I have some old stuff but the stuff I take on the road is newer, dependable stuff. I've got guitar that a guy named Dan Strain, he makes a guitar called Danocasters, out in Nashville, Tennessee. They're about two grand and 2500, depending on how any you want them. They are tanks. Try and get Fender to do you a custom job and they will give you a not as good product for twice as much. Stuff like that, it may not be worth to for one gig but a thousand gigs it's worth it.

Me: So, my dad was a good friend of Steve Marriott and I read that you have one of his guitars... Marriott's, not my dads. Anyway, what the hell?

Dan: Yeah, I got the one everybody calls the Old Man. It got to the point where it was getting saturated with sweat and the electronics were shorting out. I played the finish of the thing and if I refinish it Steve will come back and kick my ass from here to Biloxi, Mississippi. Okay? I can't do it. 

Me: Does it sound good still though?

Dan: It sounds fine. It's on "Rollercoaster," it's on our latest record "Screamer." It's got a "desk job" now, it's too old to walk the beat. I got my rookie in there, he's only 4-years-old.

Me: I'm glad, it might get stolen if you take it on the road. Ever have anything stolen like guitars before?

Dan: I've been very lucky with that guitar, I had some guy in the airport Oslo, I was super, super tired, coming back home and he came walking with the gig bag and said, "I think you left this outside." I was like, oh God, I didn't. Yeah. After I cleaned up the pile of poo in my pants I thanked him profusely and asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee and he started laughing. He was like "stupid American." I had to make America stupid again. It's just a weird little thing that didn't get stolen right then and there. I've been very lucky in the travel department. Especially with my level of forgetfulness. So it stays home. I've taken it out and did a Nashville show with it, or if I'm doing one song or something like that with somebody, buy as for going out and pitting the hard hat on... new guy.

Me: So, tell me about the new record, Dan. Why is it called "Screamer"?

Dan: Look at the cover and you'll know why. It sounds way too much like a Kiss record title, but I don't care. Did you ever hear there's a YouTube thing somebody has strung together all of the between song things that Paul Stanley has going on? It's hysterical. I just about can't take it. It's horrible, it's wonderful. Alrighta. There's a bunch of nice looks' chicksah.

Me: No, I have to check it out though. I'll show the album cover here...

Me: So, with the new album it sounds cool. Any curveballs on the album?

Dan: Look, we always try to put some kind of slower song on there, it's usually dirty in content and attitude. We try to make it a full day, there's some fun songs on there's one serious stuff, some happy stuff, it's a full day. It's one of the reasons that metal music is hard for me, simply because there's no variation on the theme. It's all "I hate you, mommy, comic book's aren't real." It's boring, they don't have girlfriends, or get laid. I don't understand. I just don't understand. I'm not supposed to I guess. I came from an era where I like girls, I want to sing to them.

Me: What kind of subject matter do you like to write about the most?

Dan: The subject matter to me is all pretty human, I try not to be doing the bar band, "I'm gonna get you, baby." Usually if they're about women they're usually humorous in one way shape of form as someone whose got some years and miles on them would see things. I try to rip off Neil Young. If you quit doing that stuff, quit writing about it. He could sing a song from his own back catalogue, that's fine, but quit writing about it now. I'm not out on the hunt, shall we say.

Me: Do you write like you did when you first started to write songs, Dan?

Dan: No, that's stupid, it doesn't make any sense. I'll let Kiss to write those songs, they do formulate things. They're formulated to make music... I mean money. They do well at it, that's what they're here for. They're an entertainment vehicle that cost money. That's exactly what Gene Simmonds designed and by God, it works beautifully.

Me: Dan, you have been one of the most fun interviews I ever have done. I hope you will come back on the Phile again soon.

Dan: Well, it'll probably be next year some time. I don't with a set lost, I don't take suggestions from the audience, I'll take them from the band members but my guy that manages doesn't tell me what to play and I don't tell him where to book us. What times is bus call, I don't even drive. What time is band call? I just get tin the back and do what I'm told.

Me: Dan, thanks so much. You rock. Take care and come back again soon. Stay well.

Dan: Alright.

Ha! I loved that interview. It was great. Thanks to Dan for being on the Phile. The Phile will be back tomorrow with the ladies from the band Joseph. Spread the word, not the turd... or virus. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon