Pheaturing Justine Bateman

Hey, kids, good morning. Welcome to the Phile from MegaCon. How are you? An acupuncturist is a pin doctor. I was wondering, who has the most unique powers... men or women. Then it hit me. Women. Wanna know why? They get wet without water, bleed without injury and make boneless things hard. See? Good job, women. I do have a power myself though... over-thinking.
And now for a feud that sounds like something you and your friends made up while playing MadLibs and drinking rosé: Kelly Ripa is feuding with "The Bachelor" franchise, pissed off Chris Harrison, and Ellen Pompeo jumped into her defense! This is like Avengers: Endgame for ABC properties. Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Morning show host and Manic Pixie Dream Weightlifter Kelly Ripa thew shade at the sovereign Bachelor Nation. Ripa's co-host, Ryan Seacrest, announced that the titular Bachelorette, Hannah B., will be appearing on the show, and Ripa confused her for the previous "winner" of "The Bachelor," Colton Underwood's girlfriend, Cassie. "Oh, it's an entirely different person?" she wondered aloud. "You know how I feel about this show," she added. "It disgusts me. I thought that I was disgusted because I couldn't stand the idea of 25 exceptional women fighting over one, ordinary fella, in my opinion. You know how I feel, ladies! We are too special to be arguing over a guy." The criticism went over as well with "The Bachelor" head honchos as anything that is said between women on the show. Host Chris Harrison pumped up the drama with a direct address to "Bachelor Nation." The shows creator, Mike Fleiss, got defensive on Twitter... the male equivalent of throwing a drink in her face. Ellen Pompeo, aka Dr. Meredith Grey (on "Grey's Anatomy," the only show with as many seasons as "The Bachelor") stole Fleiss for a sec, telling him to back off Ripa and stop declaring himself to be the god of ABC, attacking successful women and "[taking] credit for their success." The "savage" Pompeo also said, "don't get be started on your show," adding "Bachelor soooooo white." Is this what reality TV is like? I frickin' love it. After all that online awkwardness, Bachelorette Hannah B. appeared on Ripa's show, and defended her show's gender politics. Hannah B. said it was "empowering" to be one of 30 girls going for a guy, and then to have the experience in reverse. "Like you, I didn't really follow the show, wasn't a big fan," she told Ripa. "But, being a part of the show, it's not women fighting against each other. Really, some of my best friends came from the show and were really supportive. When you have a group of 30 people together, there's going to be people who don't like each other. That's simple facts." "But, ultimately, it was one of the most empowering things that I ever have done because I had to push myself and grow as an individual," she continued. "And I did. And I think that's why I decided that I wanted to be the Bachelorette and wanted that so bad." Congrats, Hannah B., on achieving your dream!
I don't know why nobody has learned yet that it's probably best not to mess with AOC. Considering she's a young woman with opinions, people are pretty upset. Attractive women talking about politics? That can't be allowed! For some reason, her haters seem to be hyper-focused on the fact that she used to work as a bartender. Do we all hate bartenders now, when did that happen? Or, is it just that bartending is considered "unskilled labor?" You know what else is considered unskilled labor? Being a reality television star. Did they stop us from electing one as president? Nope! If bartending doesn't require skills, I'd like to see everyone in congress babysit grown men falling asleep drunk in their chairs, vomiting in bathrooms and cheating on their wives while smiling out of their butts to prevent a bad Yelp review and get a decent tip. Out of all the things you could focus on, her former life as a bartender isn't that interesting. It doesn't make her less qualified for her job now, all it means it that she's a human woman trying to pay rent in New York City. So, when a man on Twitter (Cloyd) posted a hat he's trying to sell, Twitter let him have it. Red hats have really been ruined since 2016. Then, this happened...

Then it went back to the roasting. Better luck next time, Cloyd!
Carpool Karaoke King James Corden isn't just here to belt out tunes with our favorite celebs, he's also out here inspiring people to play nice on the Internet. What a truly delightful human. During last Monday night's episode of "The Late Late Show," Corden delivered a bit that compared Donald Trump to a character in "Game of Thrones." When talking about Trump's imposed trade war with China, Corden jokes about his fear that Trump will ride one a dragon and burn down an entire city if he doesn't get his way. Personally I feel this is giving Trump too much credit... he is no mother dragons... but I digress. The Internet generally hates and is unfair to a lot of things (women, for example), but spoilers take the cake for this. People lose their goddamn minds over spoilers. And such was the case for a certain Twitter user who replied to Corden's bit with a hostile, since deleted tweet. According to the Blast, the deleted tweet said: “It’s fucked up you can’t even watch TV without a fat fuck spoiling something… Luckily I got to see it before this, but seriously I hope his kid gets cancer." Shame! James Corden took it upon himself to personally reply to this troll and eloquently explain why it was offensive. When trolling online, people forget the severity of their words. Hiding behind a screen can make it easier to say horrible things, as you aren't forced to look the person you're targeting in the eye. Telling someone you hope their kid get cancer is repugnant, but firing it off in a tweet can feel almost like an afterthought as you angrily scroll through your feed, bitter about spoilers and whatever else. Corden's careful response brings this person back down to the real world, where horrible comments are delivered to a living human being. And his optimistic, forgiving attitude at the end of his response is the sweet yet refreshing cherry on top. Like I said, delightful human. And I'm not the only one singing his praises.
Hot gossip from the Social Security Administration! That's right, the SSA unveiled the top baby names for 2018, and the top ten for both boys and girls are hardly surprising. I hope all the Liams and Emmas out there like the first letter of their last name.

Hey, my son's name is on the list... at number 10. Daycares are overrun by little Isabellas and Jameses, classic, timeless names that are likely not informed by popular television shows. Rather than pick names from their families or the bible, there are people out there naming their kids after "Game of Thrones" characters, and a few Westerosi names actually cracked the top 1000. Even though A Girl Has No Name, "Arya" has been climbing steadily in popularity, with exactly 2545 baby Aryas born in 2018. Arya was the 119th most popular girl's name in 2018, and it's only going to get more popular after we watched Arya save humanity and slay the Night King. Arya, however, was a name before "Game of Thrones: and "A Song of Ice and Fire," but one made up word from the brain of George R.R. Martin has broken into the mainstream: Khaleesi. "For 2018, the number of births with name Khaleesi is 560, which represents 0.030 percent of total female births in 2018," the SSA writes. There are 560 little girls with Dothraki names who are going to want to see the show to understand it, and, um... they might want to wait until they can read the subtitles for all the High Valyrian. A whole bunch of baby nerds are likely to little Khaleesi Joe Murphy, a journalist at NBC News, tallied up the number of babies with other Westerosi names, and Sandor and Gregor might be duking it out over the Play Doh in a few years. There are also 8 Berics, 29 Sansas, and an 58 tiny Tyrions. It's going to be a fun Name Day celebration for the baby Khals!
If you grew up in the 1990s and/or care about sitcoms, you know about "Friends." Courteney Cox posted a "Friends" throwback Instagram that made 90s kids nostalgic. Though the series finale aired in 2004, its ten seasons endure as a cultural touchstone. You can see its influence in shows like "The Big Bang Theory," "New Girl," and "How I Met Your Mother." Jennifer Aniston was unquestionably its breakout star, but the other five "Friends" have gone on to respectable careers in film and television. Although co-creator Marta Kauffman is adamantly against a reunion, the show's legacy remains. Besides, would you REALLY want to see Ross and Rachel raise a child? They barely functioned sans bébé. Look how young they are!

Lil' cherubs unaware their NBC gig would make television history. Jennifer Aniston had no idea she'd become a sex symbol and inspire women globally to adopt an unflattering haircut. This was YEARS before she'd date John Mayer or shill Smartwater. Wow. All ten (!) seasons of "Friends" are currently viewable on Netflix.
I said yesterday did you ever notice Captain America always looks like a bird just flew away with his hot dog? Look...

Hahaha. Did you know "Game of Thrones" was partially made by Disney? No? I'll show you...

Told ya! So yesterday at the convention I saw this poster and it reminded me of something...

Then it hit me...

Could you imagine Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man coming from another Earth to help out Tom Holland's Spider-Man? I think it's gonna happen... I have proof.

In Avengers: Endgame there was one scene that you might've missed...

That's fantastic, right? I was surprised when I saw the Captain America poster that Marvel came out with, but I think I want it for my new apartment...

Haha. So, I din't know if you heard but a lot of people are complaining what the new Sonic the Hedgehog looks like in the new live-action movie. I don't think he looks bad, but he does look familiar.

So, everyone was bitching about the Starbucks cup on the one episode of "Game of Thrones." There's a reason it was there, kids...

See? Hey, wanna laugh?

Boy walks in on his dad masturbating. Never having seen anyone do this, he says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" His dad replies, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon enough!" "Really? Why's that, daddy?" "Well, my arm is getting tired..."

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, I don't know if you heard but this August at the park where I work at a Star Wars theme land is opening. Well, there's this huge Millennium Falcon in the land and some people are getting upset they have a fence of some sort around it. Here's a pic...

Well, a friend of the Phile has something to say about it. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Let's talk about Galaxies Edge and how everyone is paying attention to a fence around the precious Falcon, or that reservations will only allow for four hours of playtime in the land. Naaaah, let's have a BETTER conversation. The bigger worry that has my big ole Star Wars heart racing like little Annie racing his pod-racer! No, it's not about the attractions or the one attraction we'll have at the start. No,  it's not the fact that aliens might not roam the park (But they BETTER...). And no it's not that they will have me work STUPID hours to MAYBE crowd control for the area. No, it's bigger then all the things I just mention but what has me TRULY worried... is the Cast Members working it. Yeah, I FUCKING SAID! Some of y'all HAAAATE interacting at a park that demands it. Some of y'all will give the minimum of what is asked and survive off that alone and Galaxies Edge is going to want EVERYTHING you have not just half of it. Some of the Cast Members put in for spot to Galaxies Edge and it scares me cause some of them will just stand there like a brick at a greeting position looking like C3-PO and be bland like the Solo movie. Understand me though, it's not ALL Cast Members! Just half of what I've seen during my time working for Disney and Galaxies Edge is aiming to be the most immersive experience know to anyone. Star Wars is a sensitive product of fandom that has history and emotions that are highly attached to it and is part of the story that we know and love. So the last thing people want is a Cast Member being bland as hell in this land full of color, you understand? But the real cause of fear is this... The park will only have one attraction in the whole damn land... if it goes out then what? Genuinely I believe that the Cast will be the saving grace if that happens or when it happens. Of course there will be other experiences but ultimately it will fall on them to provide that experience to make it all work... and just from working Hollywood Studios alone... that worries the living whomp rats out of me. Stay classy.

I.M. Pei 
April 26th, 1917 — May 16th, 2019
Not anymore you're not.

“Happily ever after” must start when they go to college. Yesterday I introduced you to a new superhero you might not have known of. Well, she's back again today. Please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Wonder Bread Woman, So, I was wondering, are you sponsored by Wonder Bread?

Wonder Bread Woman: No, I'm not sponsored by anybody, Jason.

Me: Okay, so, where are you from? Paradise?

Wonder Bread Woman: An island called Grupo Bimbo.

Me: Ummm... okay. So, what powers do you have?

Wonder Bread Woman: I have the power to walk through walls but fall through floors.

Me: Ummm... okay? Anything else?

Wonder Bread Woman: I also have the power to read minds, but only those of the mentally disabled.

Me: That's good. Then you can't read mine.

Wonder Bread Woman: Yes I can. I also have immunity to everything except bullets, fire and bears.

Me: Oh, man. I noticed you just have one small bracelet. Anything else before I let you go?

Wonder Bread Woman: I have the power to smell the future.

Me: Okay, then. Thanks.

Wonder Bread Woman: Now to find my fucking invisible plane. I know I parked it somewhere. Might have to get the shuttle to the west complex.

Me: Wonder Bread Woman, people.

That graphic is a clue to who the guest is gonna be. Now for some...

Phact 1. Stan Lee who worked for Marvel as a writer for hire sued Marvel in 2005 because he was hurt by Marvel Comics’ decision to keep profits from him over his 60 years with the company.

Phact 2. In the early 1990s, Michael Jackson tried to buy Marvel Comics just so that he could play Spider-Man in his own produced movie.

Phact 3. Due to strange laws in U.S.A., importing toys resembling humans are taxed higher than those that don’t. Marvel successfully argued in court that because their X-Men action figures are mutants and therefore should be exempt from such higher tax.

Phact 4. There was a 1995 issue of Punisher called "The Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe" in which he killed every single Marvel superhero and villain, including himself.

Phile 5. Venom, the Spider-Man villain was a fan-based concept that Marvel bought for $220.

Today's pheatured guest is an American writer, director, producer, and actress. Her acting work includes "Family Ties," "Satisfaction," "Men Behaving Badly," "The TV Set," "Desperate Housewives," and "Californication." She is the author of Fame: The Hijacking of Reality, which is the 98th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Justine Bateman.

Me: Hello, Justine, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Justine: I'm good, Jason. That's my brothers name as well.

Me: Yeah, I cannot believe he's such a big time actor now. Okay, so, your book is about being famous. When did you first realize you were famous?

Justine: I think it was a slow build in the first year or so but probably in crowded places, like in the mall or an amusement park or an airport and I realized quickly that I can't stop moving. If I stop I'm essentially signaling tp everyone that it's okay to come up. Then another person says well if those people are up there then it's okay to come up to me then I have a problem. I needed help to be removed from the situation.

Me: When I was a kid and went to the mall with my dad, who was Lonesome Dave in Foghat I loved it when kids would recognize my dad. Was your brother Jason acting before you were in "Family Ties"?

Justine: Yeah, he was doing acting when he was young and I followed him in there with my parents encouragement. He'd done some commercials but no other acting.

Me: So, did you get famous because of "Family Ties"?

Justine: Well, yes. After I was accepted by my brothers tenant agent within two months I had four commercials and the pilot for "Family Ties." There was no thought to it beforehand like what this could be. Actually the concept of acting for a living had never crossed my mind before that point either. So yes, it was during "Family Ties."

Me: What was it like when you first were on the show?

Justine: Like I said it was a slow build because I had a very concentrated television audience back then. I didn't look up what our lowest rating was, but our highest was something like 50 or 60 million people a week watching us. Even on the low end to stay on the air we had to get like 15 to 20 million people watching us each week. Compared to the ratings we have now it's quite a different story. It's much lower now. So as it grew the popularity of the show grew and Michael J. Fox's popularity grew with Back to the Future it just got to a point where it was quite the roaring rapids unmanageability of fame.

Me: Is there any show that can get those kind of numbers now?

Justine: I can only think of the Super Bowl that can get those kind of numbers now.

Me: When you first started pout on "Family Ties" what was your opinion of being famous and recognized? You must've liked it, right?

Justine: Well, in the book I poo-poo that whole attitude of I owe it to everybody. I probably contradicted everything in the book when I was seventeen. I probably laughed when I heard the word "famous" and I felt like I was public property.

Me: Looking back do you agree on how you felt? Is that a stupid question?

Justine: No, it's a good question. I do remember at the time, I'm sure there are others that feel this way too, that because I was so knew to this I just felt because "Family Ties" was such a great experience and I loved all those people, I did feel every time I went out I was a representative of that show and I was a representative of Paramount Studios, the producers of the show and NBC, the network that aired the show. Now remember I was seventeen, the show had been on a year if that and I do recall feeling that it was an obligation that I just assumed. That wasn't anywhere near the height of the fame that presented itself later.

Me: I was looking for clips of you on YouTube and I saw a clip of you on the Arsenio Hall show in '87. Here's a screen shot...

Me: You were really popular then but seeing the clip it sounds like you had doubt about fame even then. Am I right?

Justine: Well, doubts? It's just something that is on me. It's not like an amusement park ride where there's an exit just before I sit down in the car that s going to take me on the rollercoaster. I'm on the rollercoaster before I know it's happening. I really just have to check the safety of my seatbelt and just not fall out while it goes through the loop to loop or down a very steep decline. I just held on. 

Me: In the book you talk about people calling you "Mallory," the name of your character on "Family Ties." When I mentioned to friends that you were gonna be on the Phile and they all said it's cool Mallory will be interviewed. I'm not interviewing Mallory, I'm interviewing Justine. Was it difficult for you to be intertwined with the character? 

Justine: Doing the press for this book is sort of a meta-performance or epilogue to the book. To answer your question when people said Mallory is going to be on your blog what it does to me and people generally, not just performers, but when something is brought up that was their most popular thing, and I go into it in the chapter called "Inadequacies" in my book everything I ever do will be compared or will not rank rather relative to the high level of popularity of fame of whatever it is I did or is most well known for. It does make the individual feel like not seeing it all. Like it'll be if somebody was a really good high school football champ and everybody knew who they were. And later in life they get a normal sales job and maybe the thing they're the most proud of recently they really hones their carpentry skills. They built an addition on their home themselves but every time they see their friends, in particularly their old friends, and they say "you were such a rad quarterback." The guy could be sitting there thinking "what the hell?" Like their most well known thing is nor necessary the most interesting thing they'd ever done. So I do go into that in the book in regards to fame. People wouldn't say this exactly but when they see me they would say things like, "What are you up to now?" It is them saying or the feeling is "we gave you this and you squandered it and we're upset about that."

Me: Do you remember the moment when it was slipping, when you were getting less famous? 

Justine: Oh, sure. And I'll tell you, I'm very happy to talk about the backside of fame. I think that's actually the most interesting part of my book because it's talked about so infrequently by anybody who experienced fame. So when it starts slipping I guess I notice it starts slipping in a similar way to realizing in the beginning I'm gaining fame. When I first realized I was gaining fame its people are listening to intensely to me, they are approaching me more frequently of course, they are being more accommodating and part of me is this is weird, what just happened. Especially when I'm in a situation when they don't recognize me at first. I get some of their "normal" treatment. Then they realize who I am and everything shifts. The way they treat me changes almost instantly. Then when that starts slipping that's when I first notice it. And not to make it sound like I like an entitlement, like I expect to be treated like that, but I'm rather prepared to deal with being overly accommodated. I'm prepared to deal with that. When it becomes intermittent I'm like "do I need to be prepared to deal with this or can I just relax into like they don't recognize me"? It's all about how can I bet set up to deal with what they are going to come at me with. When it started fading almost completely I keep telling myself to make it better for me, "I'm not famous, I'm not famous at all, at all, at all." Then if someone DID recognize me they did try to over accommodate me I could just see it as bizarre behavior.

Me: So, was the book easy for you to write, Justine? There are other books dealing with fame I am sure.

Justine: Absolutely. They are a lot of books written on fame. A lot of them take on the historical approach. A lot of them seem to take on a fan approach, like here are all these famous people and this is why I like them, why we like them and these are my few encounters with famous people.

Me: What made you write this book?

Justine: What I really wanted to do is bring the reader into the whole experience, the whole lifecycle, not just this is what it's like to be famous but here is what it is like the lifecycle is like. And to submit to the reader that fame is a social construct. And I draw parallel between this creation that society has made with a Chutes and Ladders game board. Around 2000 we almost insisted that that game board become larger so that more people will have more opportunities to become famous. I just think that the striving for that limits us individually becoming the best people we can be.

Me: Justine, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I loved you on "Family Ties," I used to have a crush on you. I hope you'll come back here again soon.

Justine: My pleasure. Thank you.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile and me at MegaCon this year. Thanks to my guests Cadence Hall and of course Justine Bateman. The Phile will be back on Monday with Luke Bentham from the Dirty Nil. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon