Pheaturing Jeffrey Gaines

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Did you watch the Oscars last night? If you're anything like me, you watched Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga perform their hit song "Shallow" at the Oscars and immediately needed to take off your shirt and take some long drags off a cigarette. No, I don't smoke now. It's no surprise the A Star Is Born co-stars have chemistry... it's a huge part of why the film hangs together so well... but their duet, uh, foregrounded that chemistry intensely. So intensely. Viewers took note. Gaga recently split from fiancé Christian Carino and Bradley is happily partnered with Irina Shayk, his girlfriend and co-parent. I wonder how she feels about the two actors working together so closely? Physically, emotionally? Poor Irina. If I was gay I wouldn't want to watch Lady Gaga romantically sing with my boyfriend at the Oscars, either.
You might've heard that after much Kevin Hart-related controversy, the Oscars opted to go host-less this year. This fact made even casual cinemagoers nervous, as a sprawling, long ceremony proceeding without a host seems risky. Plus, hosts are traditionally responsible for some of the show's most memorable moments. Who could forget David Letterman's Uma/Oprah bit, or Whoopi Goldberg dressed as Elizabeth I? Luckily, our three coolest aunts... Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph ... opened the show as "pseudo-hosts." The trio kicked off the trophy-giving by finding a way to burrow even deeper into our hearts, landing punchlines and doing silly bits like only they can. People loved them so much, they're wondering: why didn't they host the whole dang thing? An excellent question, not least because Amy and Tina HAVE hosted an awards show together before: the Golden Globes in 2013, 2014, and 2015. Though the ceremony's went relatively smooth, I maintain that Amy-Tina-Maya make an incomparable hosting team. Perhaps in 2020.
A 37-year-old man has been banned from a local Starbucks in Spokane, Washington after asking the 16-year-old barista out on a date. According to The Spokesman Review, the man in question is Lucas Werner, and his Facebook profile promotes his belief that younger women and older men should reproduce because they create healthier babies. According to Werner, a teen barista flirted with him by telling him he was funny, so he decided to write her a note asking her out. When he returned to Starbucks the next day he was informed by a police officer that he is no longer welcome there. Werner claims that this ban is a clear case of age discrimination because he technically isn't breaking any laws. Starbucks doesn't hire employees under the age of sixteen, and sixteen is the legal age of consent in Washington. Werner seems to be under the impression that if he isn't breaking any laws, he isn't being creepy. This is up for debate, I suppose. However, Starbucks still has the right to ban someone from their property, especially if they feel that person is harassing their employees. And while he may be able to legally ask out 16-year-olds, doing so at someone's place of work can still be considered harassment.
Democratic hopeful Amy Klobuchar has been subject to intense media scrutiny since announcing her Presidential run. She's allegedly mistreated her staff in a way that contradicts her public persona, but the myriad reports of her behavior beg the question: is she being held to a higher standard than male politicians? To what extent the coverage is attributable to sexism or her actual, egregious actions is unclear to a political outsider like myself. But luckily on Twitter, people are having a field day with a news item that's not nearly as serious: Amy Klobuchar once ate salad with a comb and people can't handle it. Reactions to the New York Times piece... and this particularly curious detail... deluged Twitter. I'm with everyone who found Klobuchar's resourcefulness impressive. It sounds like much ado about nothing, IMO. Most salad-eating doesn't take place under perfectly Instagrammable conditions by a blemish-free model wearing athleisure. It takes place whenever a busy, working woman gets the chance to finally eat in between obligations.
While business magazines focus on tech startups and their CEOs, the entrepreneur of the year comes from a different troop. Charlotte Holmberg, a Girl Scout and fifth grader from Highlands Ranch, Colorado, sold 2,000 boxes of cookies last year and is bringing out the big guns for 2019. Specifically, Jason Momoa's big guns. Charlotte's mom works in marketing, and stumbled upon the meme celebrating the fact that "Samoa" rhymes with "Momoa," and "Momoa" is Jason Momoa's last name. After a quick rebrand, Charlotte started selling her Samoas as Momoas, and the boxes give a new meaning to "Jason Momoa is a SNACK." Ladies, here's the box...

The sweets were a hit all across the state, because apparently it doesn't get any sweeter than Jason Momoa. The Momoas have taken Colorado by storm, and not only because weed is legal there. Moms are both thirsty and hungry for Momoa. "The moms are getting really excited and they’re saying that they need them!" Charlotte told Denver’s 9News last week. "The girls will want to buy some because he’s on the front. And the boys will also wanna buy some because he’s like, he might be like their favorite character." If you can't fly to Colorado to get cookies, quench your thirst for Aquaman here...

What even is the point of Jason Momoa's bodyguards? So, instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this record...

Ummm... maybe not. Do you like Hot Pockets? Did you see the new one that they have out?

Looks good, right? Hahaha. Super crunchy. If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up on the Japanese carrier Zuikaku just as the crew is giving one final Banzai cheer before the ship sank in 1944...

Do you remember the State of the Union address a few weeks ago? Some Democrats sure gave a shady look during it. Like Senator Amy Klobuchar...

Speaking of Klobuchar, I mentioned the story of her using a comb for a fork, right? Well, did you see her new political slogan? If not I'll show it here...

Hahahaha. So, you know the Olsen twins, right? One of them knows how you die and the other know when you die...

Hahahahaha. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...

Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Good, Bad And Ugly Scenarios
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
3. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
2. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
And the number one good, bad and ugly scenario is...
1. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Ha! If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, there's a friend of the Phile who always lies and it usually ends up consuming his life. He has something he wants to say so I thought I'd invite him back on the Phile. So, please welcome back...

Me: Hey, Chip, how are you?

Chip: Hello, Jason, I am really good. Just sent a holiday weekend at a beach house with a band.

Me: How did that happen?

Chip: I recently got sort of unapproved access to a VIP area at a venue and the person who got me in probably would have gotten me in trouble if it was found out that they did.

Me: What kind of VIP area?

Chip: All I can say is it's a fairly major musician was playing, this was the lounge area where their friends and family were watching the show, only about twenty people.

Me: Okay, so, what happened?

Chip: When people asked why I was there, I said I was related to the owner of the venue. I figured this was boring enough but would stop the questions.

Me: And?.

Chip: Instead, this really nice group of people all started complimenting me on the venue and talking to me more about it and my family. They were really awesome people and we chatted the rest of the evening.

Me: Okay, so, things worked out, right?

Chip: They invited me to spend the upcoming holiday weekend at their beach house with the band. No one ever found I have no connection to the venue and don't even know who actually owns it.

Me: Ahhh... did you have fun there?

Chip: Yeah, I did.

Me: Well, then I guess I am glad for you, Chip. Chip Cooin, the world's worse liar. Actually, that time things worked out good in his favor... I guess.

Awe. So, do you remember the 90s? There's this guy who not only remembers the 90s but still lives like it's the 90s. Please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hey, Ed, what's up?

Ed: Just listenin' to Jeffrey Gaines' hit "Hero In Me" off his new album. This guy is pretty good.

Me: Ummm... "Hero In Me" came in out in '92, Ed...

Ed: Yeah, which wasn't long ago. I hope he keeps releasing more music. It's cool you have him here on the Phile.

Me: Thanks. So, anything else?

Ed: Yeah, I went to my local Blockbuster this past weekend and this is what I saw...

Me: Yeah, I'm not surprised...

Ed: I just wanted to VHS and chill, bro. It sucks.

Me: Awe. Hahaha.

Ed: Alright, I am gonna dash, see what else I can do, Take care, dude. Party like it's 1999.

Me: You too. Ed Enistink, the guy who lives in the 90s.

One hundred years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

Now for some sad news...

Peter Tork 
February 13th, 1942 — February 21st, 2019
Stick a Tork in him; he's done!

Stanley Donen
April 13th, 1924 — February 21st, 2019
Singin' in the ground.

Karl Lagerfeld
September 10th, 1933 — February 19th, 2019
Fashionably late.

The 94th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Neville will be the guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King. Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.

Today's pheatured guest is an American singer-songwriter and guitarist whose latest album "Alright" is available on iTunes, Spotify and Amazon. Please welcome to the Phile... Jeffrey Gaines.

Me: Hey, Jeffrey, welcome to the Phile, man. How are you?

Jeffrey: I'm doing great. What's up? 

Me: Not much. So, you're from Pennsylvania, right? What part? 

Jeffrey: Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Me: Oh, cool. My son lives right outside Harrisburg. I first heard about you in the early 90s when my dad leant me your first CD, Jeffrey. You have been making music for a long time. Is it still fun for you?

Jeffrey: Yeah, when I'm on stage I stand there a little longer for the applause. I lean my ear out deeper, and it goes deeper within me. It is fun. This is it. At the end of each song I know I've won them and they let me know I was amazing. I really love being on stage, man, and I love them, and drink them in.

Me: What made you decide to first get into music, Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: I think luckily the great thing for me and the great time was it was the most powerful thing. The most powerful superhero that anybody could look to was a rock star. David Bowie was doing the Ziggy Stardust to Kiss coming out. Man, it was like action figures. I could go from a musician to an action figure. I had the Kiss dolls and I was like yeah, let's do this. I guess it was about the time period, I was a kid in '72 and everything was sold... every commercial, every cartoon, they had a band. There was Josie and the Pussycats, and everything came on with a song. Everything had a jingle, music was everywhere. My parents always had the stereo and records playing and the radio on when we drove. Instead of finding socialization with people I found socialization with music. The background became my foreground. When I went to a party they normally had a record playing in the background and I listened to that. My music went right to the music and I wanted to know who was that.

Me: That's cool. When did you first start playing guitar?

Jeffrey: Well, I got the guitar really early and drums as a single digit kid, when I was nine. All kids have too much energy and bang around. I got the drum kit first and then a guitar when I started singing in a band in junior high.

Me: When did you first start performing on stage?

Jeffrey: In junior high, I had a band and was performing. I started out a little innocently and then found out I was a little more addicted for stage time. There was something about standing in an auditorium and knowing my peers were out there. The house lights went out and they were just silhouettes in the darkness and I was under the spot light. It was a feeling some people get and get stuck with it and some people do that and get over it. I was nope, this is it. This is the thing because it will be my vehicle for my personality to be drawn out. I don't think anyone would know anything about me if it weren't for music. I would not travel the world, seeing places and be invited to any experience. Any positive experience or any experience can be drawn back to the music that opened the door for me.

Me: Were you writing your own songs back then or were you in cover bands?

Jeffrey: I was in cover bands. I was happy doing that as well, let's be real. I love to sing, and singing was the first thing. Singing came to me by mocking other singers. With seventies radio there was a lot of Elton John, a lot of really good singers, like your dad. By the time I was in a band we were doing new wave and stuff like that. Accidentally I started to write some songs. I got left alone in a rehearsal room, the band I was in took a dinner break and I had a really good tone on the electric guitar which is rare for me. When they came back from the break I had written a song and debuted it to their ears first and asked what did they think. They said it doesn't sound local meaning it sounds like a famous song. It wasn't like a guy they knew wrote a song. I got a lot encouragement and a little compliment and that sounded like something we would do. We started doing some original songs but we were in no hurry to become an original band.

Me: What was the music scene like there in Harrisburg at that time?

Jeffrey: There seemed to be more clubs to play. I got booked at colleges a lot. Colleges had to book certain amount of bands and stuff otherwise they'll lose their government grand. So, they had a spring fling or something and hired a band.

Me: When did you get signed to a record deal, Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: That was a very interesting time. In 1988 was the first release I did anything. We were working with a guy from a band called the Sharks named Shia Quinn, and they were a huge cover band in that area. He wanted to do a little side project so we wrote a few songs together and we released it as single. It was a song that appeared on my first record also, it was a song called "What It Is." That was the first thing I ever did that was for sale. I moved to Philadelphia in 1989, got a manager and started exploring my talents a little wider, a little deeper, a little further, and that's how it is. I got signed out of New York, I was playing at the Bitter End, this guy got a bunch of labels to come over and it was pretty simple. They saw me play eight songs and then I signed a record deal. I don't think I ever got my teeth cut, I just snuck in the back door.

Me: What was it like when you first record came out?

Jeffrey: It was a shock to a lot of people I knew. These songs were first played in colleges, at student centers and now all of a sudden I had a record out. I really enjoyed that 90s era, when I had a record out there was a distinction and I really enjoyed that. It don't have that emotion anymore because everyone can do it. It's kinda cool to be invited by a group pf people that were gate keepers and there was that selection and I got selected. I felt good because back then I could walk amongst others. I could go backstage to the Grammys back then. I hate to say that, but I'm about that. I was like holy hell, that's James Brown right there. He was relaxing with Michael Jackson right there. Oh, man, here comes the Chili Peppers, running around acting nuts. In those days there was no one checking my credentials. You were someone if you were back there. I was cleared, and that is cool, to be cleared. 

Me: So, how does it feel to have a new record out now?

Jeffrey: I tell people I have a new record out now and they reply they have to. I'm like what do they mean. Then I see they're right. They're like, "My brother has one." Or "my sister has one." Or "my 9-year-old has one." I was at a photographer's place working on some artwork and he had his 15-year-old daughter up in her room singing into her laptop. I was like, "What are you doing?" She said, "I was cutting vocals on like Garage Band." She was sitting in her room, crossed legged on her bed and singing. She sounded great making this thing right in her lap. I was like how the hell can I do that? It was amazing. He said, "Yeah, she does that all the time." Do you have a record out, Jason?

Me: Yeah... hahaha. Strawberry Blondes Forever is my musical project. I just wrote the lyrics though. My friend Dan Nowicki did everything else. Looking at your discography I didn't realize you covered Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes." How did that come about you doing that song?

Jeffrey: Let me tell you that's personal. A girl at the time I happened to be in love with was in love with that song. The worst motivation made me do it, the total jealousy I want her attention... how can I do anything that HAS her attention I must conquer that so it turns back on me. I did that kinda thing when I was a kid. My mother would love to close her eyes and listen to Otis Redding and I thought I had to learn how to sing his songs. I didn't know how I was can do it but I'm gonna do it. I just had to learn it so I can sing it for her and be like now I'm special too. It's really, really, really childish. I have to admit looking back at it I get it all now. After opening up for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in Europe, playing in front of tens of thousands of people, in Germany English is not their first language, they don't know what I'm talking about for about eight songs. I thought it was going great but no matter what the language barrier is if I could get everybody to sing English together and I know they were gonna know this, it's a global song and I'm gonna try this out. As soon as I did it... boom. Everybody stood to attention and it's a call and answer chorus so they just immediately jumped right into song.

Me: You didn't record for a long time, Jeffrey, was there a reason for that?

Jeffrey: There was a reason for sure. The reason was the prospect of doing it all by myself. I've never recorded with the cost of studios, if it wasn't gonna be a product paid for by somebody who wanted it. That's where I'm at. Like the project in '88, "it's paid for and it's gonna be a classic." When? It's gonna be an item, we are doing to for a reason. it's got a backer so it's gonna be paid for by somebody other than me. All I got to do it show up, take the picture, record it, I'll sign it when someone has it in their hand. "Could you sign my CD?" Yes I can. That's what's it's about. That gap was the prospect of recording would of been DIY. I was like, man, I don't know, if nobody wants the record I don't have the ego in me or the presumption that I would make it anyway. If I don't know they don't want it I take that very literally. My fans are awesome because they come to the shows and love the songs that are out there. There are a lot of people that don't even have the whole collection. These two people once told me they loved me, and they're my number one fans and they said, "Do you know why I'm your number one fan? Because I have all three of your records." I'm like that's so cute, there's so many more to get. In that gap there were people that didn't even have them all. I looked at it like there's still more work to do, what am I doing just making records? There's people that haven't bought the ones that are out. John Mellencamp taught me this, the whole point of putting them out is to get them into the hands of the people. I don't make them to have them not heard. If I write new songs and tape them on my phone or cassette recorder than that objective has been met. I had this song on my mind that's been bugging me, I had to get it down on paper. I wrote the song and then recorded it. Then I go, that's it, there it is. So, the next thing that comes to mind is what makes me say if I've been satisfied artistically to make that music the next ambition is maybe more ego... now it's to go out to a record store. Now people have to hear it. I heard it and as an artist I'm satisfied now with the necessity for others to hear it, now give me a pat on the back. I like making record for people, I like being commissioned.

Me: What made you write and record "Alright"?

Jeffrey: I saw there was no real barrier approaching. I was playing a show and someone asked if I was recording anything and I said, "No. Not at the moment." "Well, how would you feel like recording for us?" "My feeling about that is great!" We looked into each other, we loved what we were doing, what they were about, and we thought let's do that. That really all that has to happen. That's all that had to happen. I'm not very good at all the stuff that has to happen from mental conception than to an actual hard plastic item that somebody has. I don't know how it becomes a CD. I'm like good, I have a record company, that means there has to be an art department. I don't know how it ends up in record stores. I'm glad they do. I'm the delinquent kid in the back of the class that doesn't have the administrative or clerical or I don't know how to write a letter. You and I wouldn't have done this interview without someone connecting me to the world. People know, there's a pipeline in the works. You're gonna help get the word out, its stuff like that, I would not have a leg to stand on without support of the system. Me: Did you write a bunch of new songs for this album or did you have a crap load of songs already written? Jeffrey: Well, I always have a bunch and that's like a thing that's always going on. There's really only one that's brand new that but they're pretty new. It's a mix. There's a few older songs on there that only made sense to record now because of the band that I selected. it's like I did a record with Mitchell Froom which worked out well, it was "Towards the Sun," and Val McCullum plays guitar on it. I met him there and we had a good repertoire, so I kept in touch with him, followed what he was doing. His side band was a band called Jack Shit and I was like that's a funny name, what's that all about. I looked at it and he had Pete Thomas from the Attractions, you know, Elvis' old band, I always wanted to play with Pete Thomas. David Faragher is on bass, I met him back in the 90s when he was in Cracker. We did some shows together like on Mountain Stage back then. I knew that was the band I was gonna use, I sort of grabbed songs that leant themselves to their style. I shifted things around a little bit that made sense to their musicianship. Based on the personal that helped me narrow down the songs I wanted to submit. I sent them a demo of like fifteen songs and I really just watched what they gravitated too. It's my comeback record so I didn't want to make it too long, like 45 minutes. You put the needle on and play the thing throughout.

Me: Well, I love the album. Has your writing style changed since you started writing all those years ago?

Jeffrey: My writing style has changed a lot. I would think it's not so much the style that changed a lot. I guess I pulled the trigger left. That's like with any gunslinger, you pull the trigger left. Meaning there was a time that I wrote a song about every event, everything that happened that was a song, that's art. That's another song. I look at it like every day it's all learning, I come into it with maybe a blindfold on, like anybody young like me coming into it I was like let me at it. But I didn't know what it was about.

Me: Nice. Jeffrey, thanks for a great interview, man. I love the new album and I hope you'll come back on the Phile soon.

Jeffrey: Thanks, Jason, come out and see me in concert everyone, and buy the CD and I'll sign it.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeffrey Gaines for a great interview. My dad was a fan of his first album. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Peter Cetera. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon