Existence Is Futile

Are you ready? Are you ready for the new and improved Peverett Phile, now at blogger.com? I am. I think I am. So, where were we? The pholks at AOL were kind enough to send over all my past entries which was a big surprise. The blog might look different, but it has the same shitty content. John McCain has decided to center his campaign around Joe the plumber. Why they would do this for a campaign that’s already down the toilet I don’t know. McCain is trailing in every major poll. The McCain campaign is focusing on a strategy that involves three major parts: Strengthen support in states that Bush won in 2004. Flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. Pray for an earthquake that dumps California into the Pacific Ocean. Sarah Palin said in Washington D.C. that the election is in God’s hands now. Isn’t that what you say to a prisoner who’s about to be executed? According to a new poll, if the vote were held today, more Americans would vote for Back Obama than John McCain. The poll also shows that if the election were held today, everyone would be thrilled it was over. Political experts say that the only way John McCain can win next week is if John McCain can attract swing voters. Unfortunately, John McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller. Joe the plumber back in the news. Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets. Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. John McCain said this would be dangerous; Dick Cheney said it would be expensive; and Sarah Palin said, “There are three branches of government?” CNN reported that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran. Barack Obama is encouraging his supporters to take Election Day off so they can help him get out the vote. A lot of Americans said they were already planning to take the day off, because they don’t have a job. Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama last night. At one point he said, “This man should be our president.” He hasn’t said that since he campaigned with Hillary. Barack Obama’s show was on the night. It wasn’t really a show . . . I forget what they called it . . .“30 Barack” or something. Or was it “Extreme Makeover: White House Edition”? Obama’s special was really just an infomercial. I expected them to say, “We can make this a better country — for three easy payments of $19.95.”

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is the second top ten list this week.

Top Ten Things That Went Through Cole Hamels' Mind After Winning The World Series

10. Maybe I'll get to be on "Dancing With The Stars"
9. Can I wear my cup in the off-season?
8. The Rays collapsed faster than my 401(K)
7. How cool a name is Cole Hamels?
6. This must be how the Yankees used to feel
5. Is the Phillie Phanatic hitting on my wife?
4. Seriously, how cool a name is Cole Hamels?
3. How can I celebrate when the nation's economic output is the weakest it's been since the third quarter of 2001?
2. I hope John McCain will start calling me "Cole the pitcher"
And the number one thing that went through Cole Hamel's mind after winning the World Series?

1. Now maybe I'll get to appear on Leno

OCTOBER 31ST IN HISTORY

31

All Hallows Eve. What once served as a spooky New Years Eve tradition for the ancient Celts (which they called Samhain) was ultimately appropriated by Pope Gregory IV in 840 AD to serve as the daylong vigil preceding the Feast of All Saints. Even so, the Christians preserved the pagan festival's spooky trappings anyway. Cunning bastards.
1926
Houdini dies in room 401 of Grace Hospital in Detroit. The escape artist was killed by diffuse peritonitis, after having undergone an emergency appendectomy. Contrary to popular belief, the fatal appendicitis could not have been caused by a punch to the stomach.
1966
The Acid Test Graduation! Ken Kesey hosts, among others. "The question is no longer CAN you pass the Acid Test, but DID you pass the Acid Test."
1993
Actor River Phoenix dies of a drug overdose on the sidewalk in front of the Viper Room in West Hollywood. Rumor has it that the lovely and intelligent Christina Applegate "stood there and watched."
1997
A Halloween "Hell House" opens in Vacaville, California for the benefit of local youths. Tableaus inside the house include a gay man dead from AIDS, a teenaged "Grunge" suicide resplendent with empty beer bottles, and a bloody mock abortion. The exhibits are operated by the Bible thumpers at Harvest Church.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

Authorities say an man driving through a toll plaza exposed himself to a toll worker on two separate occasions. Seminole County deputies said a 39-year-old man was arrested at his home Tuesday morning. A woman working at the Lake Jesup toll plaza on State Road 417 called the sheriff's office last week to report that a motorist had not been wearing pants when she went to hand him his change. She told deputies the same thing had happened about a week earlier. The man was charged with two counts of exposure of sexual organs and was later released on $5,000 bail.

                     CANNED LAUGHTER

Knock Knock. Who’s There? I don’t know. You make up the joke.

DOCTOR WHO

Straight from the BBC: the first two minutes of the "Doctor Who" Christmas special titled "The Next Doctor" will be shown on the BBC Children In Need special on November 14. Obviously, this goes against the myriad of rumors about the Children In Need special, including the appearance of the seven surviving actors to play to role. Yeah, I didn't buy that one either. Not much is known about the Christmas special at this point. It takes place in Victorian England and the Cybermen are the villains. Russell T. Davies has said in interviews that the Doctor meets a future incarnation of himself (played by David Morrissey). Frankly, I don't buy it. Why would the creative team want to pigeonhole themselves like that when they probably have no idea at this point who the next Doctor will be? Sadly, I won't be able to watch the clip live as it will only be broadcast in England. If I'm willing to wait a day, there is always YouTube.

GEEK TALK

Okay, so the truth is a bit less exciting than the headline might suggest, since David Lindsay-Abaire, who is signing on to write the screenplay for Spider-Man 4, also wrote Inkheart and had a hand in the awful, low-rent Robots. So we're not exactly getting John Updike, here. Still, Lindsay-Abaire did win a real, honest-to-goodness pulitzer for his 2007 Broadway play Rabbit Hole, which he's also currently adapting for the screen. (He got a Tony, too.) This means they'll be scrapping a previous draft by Zodiac's James Vanderbilt -- or whatever he had managed to write, since just a short while ago Sam Raimi was claiming that he still didn't have a script. Of course, we have no idea what the plot is, though it hasn't stopped me from speculating. Will it be Lizard? Maybe it'll be Lizard. Anyway, Raimi is excitedly returning, as we know, and Tobey Maguire has signed on too. The Hollywood Reporter story insists that Kirsten Dunst is "expected to return" as well. My stance on all of this is pretty clear-cut: I love this character and Raimi's take on him, think the third film was criminally underappreciated, and want more, as soon as possible. And I'm glad that they've brought on a serious, thoughtful writer, Robots or no Robots. This franchise deserves it.

Well, that's it for the new, latest entry of the Phile. I have a lot of learning curves to deal with with the new blog format so bare with me. The next entry will be updated on Phriday the 7th. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Peace.