Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile? The penultimate entry at AOL Journals. I checked out the new site and I think that the Phile will be a lot better. It can't be any worse.
So, in less than three weeks, you will elect a new president — I am going to go out on a limb and predict that it will be either Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama. I of course cannot vote as I am an Resident Alien. Na-no na-no.
Obama and McCain appeared together at the annual Al Smith dinner in New York City. It’s traditional for candidates to giver funny speeches. Obama and McCain were both funny. McCain said, “Even in this room full of proud Democrats, I can’t shake that feeling that some are pulling for me . . . I’m delighted to see you here, tonight, Hillary.”
Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems. Of course, there's only one thing on everyone’s mind right now . . . the country is divided . . . that’s right — Madonna’s divorce.
It’s sad. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are a great couple. Madonna gave him the best years of her life, and he gave her an English accent.
India sent their first rocket to the moon. This is a perfect example of good American jobs being outsourced to India.
John Kerry is being criticized for making a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. Knock it off, Kerry. I tell the McCain diaper jokes! Stick to losing elections to the least-popular president ever in the history of America.
They say the race is going to be decided by the undecided voters — 7 percent are undecided. I have a question for them: What the hell is wrong with you? This election has been going on for years.
Barack Obama has a strong lead, according to pretty much all polls. He’s taking a day or two off to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally that would be a bad idea two weeks before the election, but at this point, the only thing that could stop his campaign is if he found a bad luck tiki doll at the beach. Some believe that visiting his sick grandmother might help with the elderly vote. To try to counter that, today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother — Susan B. Anthony.
Sarah Palin had a good thought: She suggested that while Barack Obama is in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for McCain to keep an eye on Japan.
Joe Biden is turning out to be quite a character. He says whatever is floating around in his head. On Sunday, at a rally, a local baseball team gave him his own uniform, No. 21. He said, “No. 21 reminds me of the most famous number in all of college sports — No. 44.” How does 21 remind him of 44? In that they’re both numbers?
The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000 — $46,000! It’ll probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?
John McCain got support from someone he might not want support from. Al-Qaida picked him as their choice for president. Al-Qaida announced it on their Web site. Which begs the question, al-Qaida has a Web site? Can’t we use this to find them? Can’t we send them an e-mail and say, We have a couple of old “Macarena” albums . . . send us your address, and we’ll send them to you.
Obama is so far ahead, the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama supporters have a secret weakness — they’re Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up.
Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family, representing small-town, common-folk hockey moms everywhere. That’s a lot of money, especially since she’s shooting all those animals. Isn’t she making pelts out of all of them for clothes? She told a bunch of third graders yesterday that the vice president runs the Senate . . . which of course, the vice president does not do. Even President Bush will tell you the vice president doesn’t run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House. And finally, today, 11 years ago, Jen and I 'eloped' in Las Vegas. Eleven. That reminds me of one... which is how many portions I am allowed to eat at dinner now. Anyway, I cannot believe we've been amrried for 11 years, that she put up with me. Some people say there's a seven year itch, but with Jen there's been an itch since October 23rd, 1997.
THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LISTFrom the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs Barack Obama Is Overconfident 10. Does press conferences in half-open bathrobe
9. Changed his middle name to "Diddy"
8. Asking Bill for Monica's phone number
7. He's dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween
6. Suspended his campaign to go hunting with Dick Cheney
5. Already broke ground for Obama presidential library
4. He's begun to pronounce the word "nucular"
3. Just changed his NetFlix account address to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
2. Wants to spend rest of campaign money on cigarettes and malt liquor
And the number one sign that Obama is overconfident...
1. Cancelled an appearance on Letterman to go bowling
OCTOBER 23RD IN HISTORY
4004 BCAccording to calculations by 17th century biblical theologian James Ussher, God creates the heavens and the Earth.
1976In an astonishing lack of forethought, President Jimmy Carter admits a deadly sin in a Playboy magazine interview: "I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me."
1983NBC news anchor Jessica Savitch drowns in 18 inches of dirty water after her car flips upside down into a ditch. The events are later played out in a lovely "Almost Golden: The Jessica Savitch Story", made-for-cable tearjerker.
1983An Islamic Jihad suicide bomber drives a truck loaded with 2.5 tons of TNT into the US Marine barracks in Beirut, Lebanon. The explosion kills 241 American servicemen. Simultaneously, a smaller truck bomb strikes another base in Beirut, killing 58 French soldiers. Even though the NSA has proof that the Iranians are behind the attacks, President Ronald Reagan begins delivering them weapons for hostages only 39 days later.
1987Robert Bork is borked, the Senate voting a record 58 to 42 to refuse him a seat on the Supreme Court. Ostensibly this was because he admitted to smoking marijuana as a youth, which would be the wrong reason. He should have been rejected for being a statist sleazebag.
1988A concert-goer at a Skinny Puppy show in Cincinnati mistakes a stuffed dog, a prop that undergoes "vivisection" during the performance, for a live dog and calls the cops. Even after the police establish no real animals have been harmed, bandmates Nivek Ogre and Cevin Key, along with their tour manager, are arrested on disorderly conduct charges. They spend the night in jail and are fined $200.
1995The murderer of the popstar singer Selena, and president of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, found guilty in Houston of her slaying.
1997Newborn son of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince dies of complications from a "rare skull deformity." The baby's death certificate fails to name either the father or mother.
1997Jen Tackett throws her life away by marrying me.
R.I.P.
Levi Stubbs: He can't help himself.
Mr. Blackwell: Richie is now wearing a boxy, pine number that no self-respecting designer would be caught dead in.
Rudy Ray Moore: Dolemite was his name, and fuckin' up mutha fuckas was his game.
FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG
A woman decided to go to jail rather than pay her bill at a Fort Pierce Waffle House restaurant. The total she went to jail over: $7.45. According to a police report, Maryanne O'Neill, 66, ordered coffee and a sandwich at a Waffle House restaurant on Saturday but refused to pay the bill. The report said an officer asked her to pay or go to jail and she refused. A jail official said she was released Monday from the St. Lucie County Jail. She was charged with obtaining food or lodging with intent to defraud, a second degree misdemeanor. If convicted of a second degree misdemeanor she could face up to 60 days in jail and a fine of $500.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A man goes into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but underwear made of saran wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep.
Q: What do old ladies taste like? A: Depends.
UNSOLVED MYSTERIES WITH REALLY OBVIOUS SOLUTIONS
The Mad Gasser of Mattoon
In Mattoon, Illinois in the early 1930s, reports started popping up of a man or woman deliberately spraying poisonous gasses into people's homes via the windows, and in some cases, building crude barricades to keep the victims inside. The barricade thing may seem weird, but people in the 30s were the trusting type, and apparently didn't go out to investigate when they heard the sound of sawing and hammering right outside their front doors. Anyway, the victims complained of nausea and sore throats, and sometimes would catch a glimpse of something moving outside in the distance. The town was gripped with panic, terrified that the villain would attack again with his arsenal of pretty much harmless chemicals. Finally an official inquiry was started into the matter, to solve it once and for all. They gathered eye witness reports and wound up with descriptions of the perpetrator as a tall, short, male, female, fat, thin, human, ghost, Nazi, dinosaur ... pretty much the whole spectrum of life past and present on planet earth. Investigators filed the incident under "What the fuck?" which just happens to be conspiracy theorists favorite question to answer. The Obvious Answer:
Two weeks after it all started Thomas Wright, the commissioner of public health came and said: "There is no doubt that a gas maniac exists and has made a number of attacks. But many of the reported attacks are nothing more than hysteria. Fear of the gas man is entirely out of proportion to the menace of the relatively harmless gas he is spraying. The whole town is sick with hysteria." Yes, good job calming the hysteria with the phrase "Gas Maniac." The town police chief, on the other hand, came out and said there was actually no gasser at all, that the people were freaking out because they heard a noise, checked the window, and smelled something funny. Not unusual seeing as how their town was filled with factories and the town itself was constantly awash in chemical fumes (back then environmental regulations were pretty much done on the honor system). After the reassuring statements from Wright and the chief of police, the public decided maybe it was time to calm down. Oh wait, no they didn't. They decided it was time to fucking freak out more. There were countless more reports, none of them ever confirmed. Oh, there may have been an actual gasser at some point, a recent book points to a local medical student who could have carried out the few actual attacks that led to the hysteria. When asked why, he reportedly stated, "Because I'm fucking insane."
HEROES
Say what you want, but I think the last episode continued the good streak established last week. It looks like, after a shaky start, the "Heroes" train is finally back on the track. All it took was some patience. That's a good sign for the rest of the season. Now if it could just get some of those lost viewers back. I hope NBC is factoring in downloads, DVR playbacks and streaming views online into their decisions regarding this show as I know it performs extremely well there. Okay, I knew there was no way Hiro would really kill Ando like that, but it was cool seeing how he pulled off that trick. Maybe all the naysayers who say Hiro is stupid this year will rethink their stance. He proved himself pretty damned clever with this little maneuver and now he's officially "on staff" at Pinehearst. And even though Matt is back in the US, now Hiro will be heading to Africa to see Parkman's precog friend. That's good, because I like this new addition to the cast. I like that Daphne is morally conflicted about what she's doing. And I'm even appreciating the layers of complexity added to Sylar's character and how he wants to stop being the monster that we'd all grown to know and love. It's just Peter being basically the same thing that I'm not so thrilled about. Actually, they almost seem to be reversing roles which is even more terrible. I understand that the theme of this early part of the season appears to be our established characters questioning ... well pretty much everything about themselves. Parkman, however, seems particularly naive and earnest in his pursuit of Daphne. Actually, between Parkman, Peter and Suresh I guess I'm still not thrilled with a lot of the character direction here. Credit where credit is due, the puppet master's theater is genuinely creepy, as are the extents of his powers. It's too bad Claire and her mom had absolutely no idea what they were getting into. I have to imagine this is a character that we'll see more of. You just know Pinehearst would love to get their hands on him.
THE AMAZING RACE
It’s so weird that "60 Minutes" ends every broadcast by the credibility-sucking vacuum known as Andy Rooney. Last week, he delayed "The Amazing Race 13’s" start by complaining about how prices increase over time, and last night, the crazy, crusty old bastard outed himself as an undecided voter, as if there aren’t enough issues or reasons in this election to support either candidate. If you haven’t made up your mind by now, you aren’t paying attention, or are just desperate for CNN to thrust a little dial in your hand and ask you questions. “I don’t think we can go wrong,” Rooney said, shortly after admitting admitting, while talking about something else, “I am sexist, of course; I just don’t want to be accused of it.” Well, at least he’s an honest ass. While Rooney is an old man I see way too frequently, the episode of "The Amazing Race" that followed (45 minutes after it was scheduled to start) ended with an appearance by an older man who should be on TV every Sunday night: Phil Keoghan’s father. Here’s a look at that and other highlights: Phil told us that at the pit stop, “Kelly and Christa confronted Nick and Starr.” The result, Starr said, is that “now, things are even worse.” They are, because we just had to listen to 30 seconds worth of conflict we care nothing about. Dallas said something about making “smart, good decisions.” Upon learning they were going to New Zealand, frat boy Dan said, “I know Phil’s from there. I know they’re into kiwis.” Shortly before that, the other frat boy, Andrew, said, “This isn’t the Dan Show,” which if it got produced, would apparently be full of unfunny, cheesy lines—so basically like most other sit-coms.
While teams were checking flight information at the airport, the insert shot showing someone browsing an airline web site’s destination cities, and the URL was http://plane. That’s it. In other words, it was probably B-roll shot later by the camera operator, and someone replaced the site’s URL—because they weren’t using show sponsor Travelocity? Shortly after Ty called Aja “Fidel Castro” because “you get into your moods too quickly,” Aja made up with him by proving that she was a relatively low-key dictator, ordering him to “give me a hug now” and then playfully pushing and punching him. “Can I have a little love? Can you just touch me for a little? Maybe play with my hair?” Terence asked Sarah, and she giggled, as if to say, “Not in front of the cameras.” But hell, the least we deserve for suffering through Andy Rooney is a little porn, even if it involves, well, Terence and Sarah. “You’re doing a good job driving,” Aja told Ty, and right then there was a pop—from a flat tire, not the head of something that had wandered into the road. Once they pulled over, Aja assisted by running into traffic and screaming “Help!” as if getting herself run over would fix the flat tire. When Phil explained the Fast Forward, he said teams would have to climb up the ladder inside the Auckland Sky Tower and “pick up a friend” at the top. My guess right then was that the “friend” would be the fucking Travelocity gnome, although since Tina and Ken were going for it, I kind of hoped it’d be crabs. “I have a massive fear of heights,” Tina said. She’d only just voluntarily decided to climb to the very top of the tallest structure in the southern hemisphere. There was a Travelocity gnome at the top of the tower, but the damn things were also part of a clue, as teams had to search with binoculars around Auckland to find hidden gnomes. I’m pretty sure this locate-the-gnome challenge is the most pathetic challenge The Amazing Race has ever done. The gnome has shown up before, of course, but having them search for it, and showing us a gnome every time a team member said “Travelocity roaming gnome,” just really made me just want to continue to use Kayak. “We decided to walk,” Kelly or Christy said when the frat boys asked them why they were ignoring the instruction to drive to the top of the highest point in Auckland. Genius. I don’t yet think we’ve seen Sarah squeal while in the presence of a glassware or a bird, because if she does—and she squeals a lot for some reason—I’m positive either would explode. The representative of New Zealand who was on the mat to welcome teams was host Phil Keoghan’s dad, which was totally awesome, especially because Phil’s dad appeared to get emotional at one point, and also offered hugs to the eliminated team. However, the first time he introduced himself, I actually thought he said, “I’m Phil today.” I guess I don’t speak kiwish. Frustrated with the assembly of a vehicle with a sail, Dan said, “Give me sports trivia, and I’ll be able to beat everybody.” Trivia? Never watched "The Amazing Race" before, have you, Dan? Thrilled to have placed sixth, Dan screamed, “Thank you Phil’s Dad!” and then proceeded to hug and hump him while saying “you’re my dad, too!” Dan’s family must have interesting Thanksgiving dinners. One of the eliminated blonde girls said, “I think the Amazing Race is about taking chances and finding out who are you as individuals and finding out more about your teammate, and we definitely did that.” Glad you did, because we sure as hell didn’t. Who are you again?
GEEK TALK
Marvel Studios' top honcho Kevin Feige had a nice, long chat with MTV News, dropping all kinds of huge movie ideas left and right. They dream big over there at Marvel, and they make 2010 sound just around the corner, and yet oh-so-far away if your itching for that spin-off or sequel of your favorite character. Happily for Scott Weinberg and his fellow Hulk fans, the big green one is going to return. You might remember that Edward Norton cast some doubt on that, a big question mark that Feige is quick to dismiss. They not only made their money (always the deciding factor), but they got the origin movie they wanted. "Now we have a Hulk that we can be proud of and that is a better match and fits more with the tone of what had been in our comics and what we want him to be in our films going forward." Just because there isn't talk of a Hulk 2 doesn't mean the character is going away -- he's just taking a backseat. "The truth is that Hulk has had two films in the past five years, and it's time to give some of the other guys a turn. But certainly what we are doing is suggesting and cross-pollinating the characters between films, and like reading a comic, I'd like to set that expectation that anything can happen - and anyone can pop up - in anybody else's story. I would expect that people may see the Hulk again soon before he is again carrying his own film." (But whether Norton will play him again is left a mystery ...)
And as for "the other guys," they're all going to get their turn. Feige also says that when the next crop of Marvel movies are announced, Doctor Strange will probably be among them. "I'd say in the next year, year and a half, as we start putting together our film slate for 2012 and 2013, I would not be shocked if we saw Dr. Strange on those lists. I love the idea of taping into the magical realm of the Marvel Universe, which is fairly significant and hasn't yet seen life on screen. It's something I'm very, very interested in." Doctor Strange ... wow. Neil Gaiman and Stan Lee might love him, but does anyone else? I don't think I've ever seen him do anything but float in the astral plane, then go white, eyes bulging, gasping that something is blocking the mystical arts. I can get behind more Hulk, especially in a secondary role, but I don't want two hours of hijinks in the astral plane. I'm sure that's being quite dismissive of Marvel's magical realms, but I like my fantasy to be populated with hobbits and dragons, not Marvel's panethon. Yes, readers, you can flame me for that.
Ta-da! There you have it. Next week will be the last Phile as we know and love it. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd.
Happy anniversary baby Got you on my mind Happy anniversary baby Got you on my mind...