Pheaturing Hasan Minhaj From "Patriot Act With Hasan Minhaj"

 

Hello, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday, how are you doing? In a now-viral video, a group of white women was “shamed” "Game of Thrones"-style as they were escorted from the pool area of a Sacramento hotel. The women were reportedly kicked out of the pool for harassing a pair of black queer women who were kissing. The video was recorded and shared on social media by Instagram user Art Kaligos. “This woman asked a female couple to stop kissing in a public pool because her kids were present,” Kaligos captioned the video. “So we gave her the Cersei Lannister treatment while they were escorted out by security. SHAME!!” The clip was filmed at the Kimpton Sawyer Hotel pool near San Francisco, California. Since being posted, the post has amassed nearly two million views. In the video clip, a blonde woman claims to be called racist “for being white,” and she flips off the camera while shouting profanities. A second woman... identified as “Deb” on the Starbucks cup she is carrying... follows her out while declaring herself a Jewish woman from New Jersey. When accused of being “suburban” by someone in the video, she responds, “I live in Oakland, you fucking asshole.” She continues, “I have never met anyone like you guys. Are you kidding me? I have never been more embarrassed in my life for the human race,” she tells her fellow pool-goers shouting “shame”. “Do you have any children?” she asks someone outside the camera frame. After being assured that they didn’t want to have kids, “Deb” responded, “Good, ’cause you’d be a fucking terrible dad.” But let’s back up for a second. The Instagram video only shows the outraged moms being escorted from the pool, and not the events leading up to their public shaming. What we know about the incident is gleaned together from the Instagram caption, a statement from the hotel, and witness testimonies gathered by CBS Sacramento. Domonique Veasley told CBS Sacramento reporters that a group of people asked her to stop kissing her friend... who is also a woman... because their kids were around. “My initial reaction for the children was ‘Oh yeah, and then I was like ‘You are asking me to stop being me,” Veasley said. “I kind of called her out on her homophobia and her friend was there with her and I just asked her, ‘Are you onboard? Are you on board with this homophobia with this hint of racism that I feel like I’m picking up?’ Because there were other couples in the pool,” Domonique said. Georgy Avakov, a witness present at the Bay Area pool, agreed that the women appeared to have been singled out because of their race and sexual identity. “The white women specifically targeted Ms. Veas (Domonique) and her friend, despite at least a dozen straighter, non-black couples and parents also in the pool and at the bar at the time, who were being just as affectionate,” he told CBS Sacramento. The hotel confirmed that the incident occurred but did not release the details of the encounter to CBS Sacramento. “The Sawyer does not condone discrimination or verbal assault of any kind. An unfortunate disagreement between guests occurred at our pool over the holiday weekend and the matter has since been resolved,” general manager, Nikki Carlson said in a statement to the local news station. “For any raised case of guest discrimination, we always seek to investigate the matter and diffuse the situation with our trained staff, responsible for looking after the safety and security of our guests and associates.” 

A mother from Michigan is now being praised as a hero for thinking quickly on her feet after saving a group of girls from drowning in Lake Michigan. Alyssa DeWitt, who is 5 months pregnant with her fourth child, decided to visit First Street Beach with her three young children on May 25th in the city of Manistee. When the family arrived at the beach, the mom said that there were two halves where visitors could spend time together. The family opted to hang out on the right side of the pier. She stated, “I’ve always taken them to the left, so I’m not sure why I chose that side that day. And I don’t really think it was a coincidence that I did.” She noted that the winds were howling and the waves were getting bigger by the minute. She had noticed a group of girls get into the lake and slowly watch them move further out in the water. She stated, “The next thing I knew the arms were waving in the water, so I kind of knew immediately that they were in trouble.” The mother quickly jumped into action pulling her own children, ages 6, 3, and 2, out of the water and telling them to stay on the sand and wait. She then ran to the edge of the pier where the girls were struggling and called 911, but unfortunately, the high winds made it difficult for the 911 dispatcher to hear her. There was also no one else on this side of the beach. Dewitt explained, “When I got to the edge where they were, they could barely keep their heads above the water at that point. So I knew right away if I don’t do something these kids are going to drown.” While on the phone with 911 she set her phone down and then laid on her stomach along the edge of the pier in order to try and pull out the three girls safely. She noted, “There were a couple of times where I had gotten them partway up, and the waves would come and they would smash into us and pull them back down and we’d have to start all over.” One of the girls began to struggle and couldn’t stay above the water, repeating telling the pregnant mom that she was going to die. Seeing the fear in the child’s eyes, Dewitt stated, “I just kicked it right into mama bear mode. looked at her and said, ‘I’m not going to let you die. I’m going to get you out of this water, I promise.’” That’s when according to her, her “super strength” kicked in, and was able to pull out all the 3 girls over the pier wall. A fourth girl was able to make her way in enough so that the mom could help her out of the water from the shore. Luckily, the emergency crew quickly arrived at the First Street Beach pier soon after they made it to the sand. The drowning children only suffered minor injuries, mainly bruises and escapes. DeWitt and her unborn baby were also checked out and are doing okay. The mom said she was grateful for her three young children who waited on the beach during the incident. She stated “At the end of the pier watching, my 2-year-old was pretty freaked out and he kept trying to run out onto the pier to me,” DeWitt said. “My 6-year-old would just pick him up and take him back to the sand for me. She stayed really calm. I was super proud of her.” After the incident, she decided to share an emotional post on Facebook recounting her experience. Ever since she posted, it has been shared hundreds of times and has received several comments from both strangers and friends praising her heroic actions. She encouraged parents to stress water safety to their children in order to prevent any further incidents of tragedies. 

Cartoons over the decades have been widely criticized for either featuring outdated harmful ideals or adult themes that were obviously too mature for the target audience age. Most of the time, the details in the show that could be considered dangerous and inappropriate are incredibly subtle, and it’s actually pretty comedic when the audience is all grown up and finally realizes all the innuendos that are hidden throughout the movie. Just as this Disney fan pointed out in the movie Hercules. The scene in question is the one when Megara, or Meg, the love interest of the hero and main character of the story, Hercules, realizes that she might actually have feelings for our protagonist and then proceeds to sing, “I Won’t Say (I’m in Love),” while she prances through a fancy Greek courtyard. And while she’s artfully portraying her internal conflict, the screen moves to a series of several statues. The statues originally look romantic, but if you look close enough, you’ll see that it’s quite the opposite, just as this online user pointed out. TikTok user @elldramaticaromatic posted on the social media platform to talk about what she discovered in the movie. She said, “Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on… So I never noticed this before, but in Hercules, in the part where she sings ‘I Won’t Say (I’m In Love),' there’s a part where she says ‘I thought my heart had learned its lesson’. And the statues that she passes by… these aren’t love scenes. These are assault scenes from Greek mythology. Like, no wonder she’s trying to be cautious!” Many comments also chimed in on what their opinions were on the statues, with one saying, “Disney in the 90s did not hold back and tried to get away with as much as possible,” and another informing, "They’re also all based off of real statues! One with Aphrodite and Pan, Nessus and Deianira and the last possible Nymph and Satyr.” Another added, “Absolutely adore visual storytelling like this. The board artists and layout artists knew what was up.” If you think about it, it’s pretty funny to see the generation that grew up with these Disney movies realize the mature subtleties in them many years later. And Disney films aren’t the only ones to portray subtle adult themes in their stories. You can find little “easter eggs,” as people have called them, everywhere in animation, and it makes you wonder if the things you’re kids are watching contain the same stuff. 

Good news, humans: Kazakhstan bodybuilder Yuri Tolochko... who famously married three sex dolls... has announced he is open to introducing a “real person” into the relationship. To give you some context: Yuri Tolochko is a bodybuilder and self-identified pansexual and “sexy maniac” who says he can love anything from a “character” to an “image” to a “soul." In celebration of their 18-month-relationship, Tolochko married a sex doll named Margo last year. After the ceremony was temporarily postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic, the muscle man married his wife Margo in a November wedding attended by dozens of guests once lockdown restrictions were lifted, according to the Daily Star. Unfortunately, their unconventional relationship was marred by troubles. When Margo broke right before Christmas and had to be sent away for repairs, Tolochko “cheated” on his wife/sex toy with other objects. He announced their divorce on Instagram while taking the opportunity to introduce his social media followers to his new wife, a “queer” sex doll named Lola. “Lola queer, she has not yet decided on her sexual and gender identity (she is in search),” he wrote on his Instagram, where he goes by the name yurii_tolochko. “Lola has a woman’s head, a chicken’s body, the navel has depth and can be used as a vagina and a penis inserted into it. I’ll show you this one day.” “I identify her as a massive chicken,” he added. In March, the Kazakh bodybuilder announced he had added a new sex doll into the relationship: Lola’s sister Luna. The self-identified pansexual discussed his stance on dating a human being during an interview on "The Dating Show," a show on the U.K.-based FUBAR Radio station. In an interview with co-hosts Pete Wicks and Cici Coleman, the fitness enthusiast admitted he had been in a long-term relationship with a real human before and is not against the idea of doing so again. However, there is one important caveat: he or she has to be cool with his dolls. “I was in a real relationship in the past, about seven years,” Tolochko said. “It’s interesting and important for me, and in the future maybe I will have a real person, but it’s important that she or he likes my dolls too”. According to Tolchoko, he is also planning to introduce a male sex doll into his threesome with Lola and Luna. “I want to have a male doll in the future and I want to do a wedding of a male doll and Luna and at the same time I want to do the ceremony of life and freedom with me,” he said. “It’s similar to wedding, but not wedding.” 

We're about six months away from the release of Marvel Studios and Sony Pictures' third Spider-Man film but up until now, we haven't gotten ourselves some much-needed content hyping up the upcoming project which sounds ludicrous when you think about it. Even the actual plot for the film still remains unclear as it stands although a lot of webheads are convinced that it'll draw massive inspiration from the groundbreaking 2018 animated flick Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Given the fact that Jamie Foxx and Alfred Molina are both involved in the project, not to mention the Marvel Cinematic Universe finally exploring the multiverse in Phase 4, it's already safe to assume that Spider-Man: No Way Home will in fact share a similar storyline with the Sony animated film. Now, in a stunning new development, the studio may have just confirmed the plot of the film which is also rumored to see the returns of Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield. Sony Pictures' official Argentinian account posted what looks to be the official title card of No Way Home on Twitter and it features a glitch similar to Spider-Verse's title graphic. The said title sequence has been taken down by the account, suggesting that it may have been leaked by accident... or was it? I don't know about you but it looks like Sony is already starting to hype up the entire Marvel fandom as we approach the premiere of the film and for all we know, Sony Pictures Argentina's "leak" was intentional. It's highly likely that we'll get ourselves the first official trailer for the film sooner rather than later and hopefully, it'll finally bring some much-need clarity to all of our questions. Expect it to break the Internet in half.

They tell me if I go to Walmart I'd see some odd sights... I didn't believe it until I saw this...

I got a little suburnt at the beach yesterday but not as bad as this guy...

Any stroll through a store would have you believe that "pink is for girls" and "blue is for boys" are the associated gender roles are the very backbone of our society. Products from nail clippers to hand lotion are assigned genders when last time I checked, inanimate objects don't have gender identities. For example... the number 24.

Pointlessly gendered and homophobic at the same time. Now that restaurants are opening back up again, we're all re-learning how to act like a normal human inside them. And one woman is wondering whether she was in the wrong when she complained about her food to the waiter twice. She emailed the Phile to ask whether she messed up, because her friends swear she should've left it alone. Here's her story. 

"For context, restaurants in Ontario were just allowed to open patio effective this past Friday. Everyone is pumped, but also there have been a lot of messages on social media to be extra nice to your servers and wait staff etc. I’ve worked in the industry before, so I understand how tough it can be. Actually I think everyone should work in the service industry at some point in their life because it’s such a valuable lesson... but I digress... So I go out with a few friends this weekend and hit up a patio. We order food and drinks and all is good. Food comes. Mine has chicken on it, it’s all mixed in with the rest of the food. I am a vegetarian and ordered a veggie meal. I get all weird because I know that it’s a tough time for the restaurant industry etc. So when the waiter comes over and asks how things are, I say that there is chicken in my meal and I am vegetarian. She apologizes profusely and I’m like no worries, I understand it’s busy... take your time. A little while passes and the food comes out again but this time it’s a different waiter. Chicken on it again. At this point I’m like okay, if I send it back again I’m for sure getting my meal spit in. The server comes back and asks how everything is, and I say that the meal came out with chicken again. I tell her that it’s okay but I won’t get a replacement this time because we have to leave soon. Of course I was a bit annoyed but knew that they had a lot going on with just having reopened etc, and I was nice to the server... no attitude. My friends who I was with, who just so happen to work in the industry, told me that I should have just pretended everything was okay and not “ruined her day” by sending the food back twice, when referring to the waiter. I was taken aback because I thought I was accommodating and super nice to the girl. They then proceeded to judge me for leaving only a 20% tip on the bill saying I should have left more because she took off the meal that the restaurant had to deliver twice. Should I never go to a restaurant again? Am I wrong?" There was nothing wrong with how you handled this. As always happens with the Internet, a reasonable suggestion (treat servers with respect and don't make unreasonable demands) has been twisted into an extreme (asking servers to do their jobs is rude, practically abusive, and makes you an evil Karen). Now if a server brings you the wrong food you're supposed to just eat it and tip the maximum? If it's a kitchen screw up and I get comped something I'll do 20٪ of what the total should have been. If the restaurant had food runners it's probably not her fault. Still, I think you did the right thing... I'm sure the server was super stressed because of the fact restaurants just reopened up there. Someone else may have ended up with your vegetarian meal twice. You were certainly nicer than a lot of people would have been, fulfilling the stereotype of your country. It wasn't rude. They got your order wrong and you were polite about it. And lying to the waiter wouldn't have made you any more polite. So there you go. No matter what your friends say, you're allowed to return food that isn't right! Sorry, friends. If you have a problem you'd like my opinion on email me at thepeverettphile@gmail.com. 

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. My son and I were talking how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together when he was little. Man, that show sure has changed since it went to HBO...

Elmo rejoices when he finds out he doesn't have to blow himself up to fuck virgins. 

Your future self is watching you right now through memories. 

The 152nd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Jake will be on the Phile on Monday. Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jeff, shall we?

Looks like a nice day today. 

Phact 1. Damage Control was a Marvel comic series about a construction company by the same name that specialized in repairing the property damage caused by superheroes and supervillains.  

Phact 2. In 2008, a beach was stolen in Jamaica. About 500 truckloads of sand remain missing to this very day. 

Phact 3. Julius Caesar wore his Laurel Wreath so much because he was so embarrassed about his baldness. 

Phact 4. While Central Park looks natural, it is almost entirely landscaped and contains several artificial lakes. The construction of Central Park in the 1850s was one of the era’s most massive public works projects. Some 20,000 workers crafted the topography to create the English-style pastoral landscape. Workers moved nearly 3,000,000 cubic yards of soil and planted more than 270,000 trees and shrubs.

Phact 5. The worst school mass murder in U.S. history was in Bath, Michigan in 1927, when Andrew Kehoe killed 45 people, 38 of whom were children at an elementary school. 

Today's guest is an American comedian, writer, producer, political commentator, actor, and television host. Best known for his Netflix show "Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj," he has won two Peabody Awards and two Webby Awards. Please welcome to the Phile... Hasan Minjah.

Me: Hello, Hasan, welcome to the Phile. How are you? 

Hasan: I'm doing great, man, how are you? 

Me: I'm doing okay. Hasan, where are you from originally? 

Hasan: America. Davis, California to be exact. My family was from India. 

Me: Your Netflix show is called "Patriot Act," so I have to ask you what has been your relationship with that word "patriot" growing up in America? 

Hasan: Well, it's interesting, we originally picked that title I felt it to be very interesting. For those of you guys who follow the legislation in the states the Patriot Act was a piece of legislation that was passed after 9/11 that allowed the government to sort of legally spy on people that they felt were associated if they were enemies of the state or could be associated with terrorism. It was given this very shiny veneer. The Patriot Act, yeah, that seems like a good thing. I thought that was really interesting and it affected a lot of Muslim communities around the country. And also the way we looked at the country in 2020 in the world the IDEA of being patriotic, the idea of representing the country is sort of under attack. Who defines who gets to be a patriot? What does it mean to be a patriotic American or a citizen of the country? That really is being assessed not just here in the United States but around the world. So I kind of wanted to reclaim that title, both the piece of legislation and the sort of idea what it is to be patriotic. So I thought it has a double meaning. People who don't get are like, "Oh, cool, the American show." So I thought it served a lot of purposes. 

Me: So, how do you feel now living in the United States as an Indian-America? 

Hasan: I feel like an insider also an outsider, which I imagine all the children of immigrants feel. 

Me: An insider and an outsider? What does that mean to you? 

Hasan: It's one of those things, I grew up in the states, I was born in the states so understanding American culture, American popular culture. I have that connection to a lot of people. People often say a lot of times they feel that they knew me for a long time, they went to middle school with someone like me or elementary school. It's very true but at the same time a lot of things in my personal experience and my life and my upbringing really very much so made me feel like an outsider. I kind of do have an outside relationship to what it means to be "American." But look, I think the insider/outsider relationship had made the show successful around the world. 

Me: Why do you think that is? 

Hasan: Because that's kind of everybody's relationship with America. Everybody has that now, that view of America. It has served me extremely well versus if I was like an inside insider guy "rah-rah-rah America, coming live in 190 countries." Everyone would be like, "Hey, relax, bro." 

Me: You used to be on "The Daily Show." Did Jon Stewart give you any advice for your new show? 

Hasan: I think the best note to me was "the non note." I was looking for advice from the Jewish Yoda and he would never give me hard notes. I would be like how do I make this better? What is wild is every time we would do a desk chat or one of those things were I would appear on green screen and talking to him in the studio he never gave hard notes like "this is how you should land a line and this is how you should think about things." I learned a lot just by watching him, just by seeing the way he operated, just by seeing the way he came into the 9:15 a.m. meetings every morning and I think those are the things I took away. I took away the fact that in host driven shows the limiting factor is the host. So however passionate I'm going to be that would be the potential, that is going to be the potential of the show. If I come in and I'm lazy it's going to show. It's going to show in the writing and the breath of the topic I want to hit. So that was a big thing. One of the things I loved about Jon was he had his critics but they ultimately respected him because he was extremely measured in his approach. So if we look at the way social media is now everybody is screaming and flailing their arms punching in every diffraction just trying to grab people's attention. It's an attention driven thing. What I got to see with Jon over the course of his 17 years behind that desk he would pick and choose his spots. Make no mistake when things would come out he would strike when it was right and the right moment to do it. And because of that measured approach it was a calculated thing and he was able to garner respect from everybody. And everyone knew he wasn't just shouting at the trees every day. 

Me: Hasan, the "Patriot Act" show has gotten in trouble with some controversy, right? What happened? 

Hasan: I talked about Saudi Arabia and The Washington Post journalist, Jamal Khashoggi. That was one of the episode that aired and Saudi Arabia did not like it. It was banned from the kingdom. Netflix, this was unprecedented, pulled it from its site in Saudi Arabia. I was getting all this online backlash. 

Me: Sheesh. What was it like to be in the eye of that storm? Haha. 

Hasan: It was differently terrifying. I've never seen so many "sword" emojis in my life. It was a very scary and strange thing. Also coming back, that whole thing happened on New Year's Day. So I was flying back into the states with my family and to open my phone and just sort of be world news is kind of a very strange feeling. Look, I think the things that we were reporting on in that story none of that stiff was breaking or ground breaking in its take. There is a lot of people around the world that feel that way. I think what was quite unprecedented was this episode represented a very interesting case study or content in these digital content around the world. Your Google's, your Facebook's, your Netflix's, your Amazon's and your Apple's are all aggressively trying to expand around the world, they don't see borders or barriers. And when we think about free speech, and we think about speaking to powerful dictators and corporations what are these platforms going to do if those things displease those parties in their respective countries? That's why I think this episode became this very interesting international case study, that this is not going to be the first time this happens. It's going to be the first of many. But it's the very first time that one of the major platforms had to deal with this in a very, very specific way that was incredibly right there on the table. So that's why I think everybody around the world said "we need to take a closer look at this and what does that mean for art and pop culture going forward." 

Me: Okay. so, when you talk about what's happening in India do you worry about the backlash from the people over there? 

Hasan: I mean look, there's a lot of people. That's the thing I didn't calculate... how many people I would be making mad. But at the end of the day this is the genre that I'm in. Like I had a lot of conversations with my family about this, they're like "why are you going into the lions den here? Why are you poking the bear here?" To me I'm like if I'm going to do political satire I've got to do it. I got to sometimes touch these third world issues, that's just what it is. I think one of the things I always tried to do on the show again its ambition and the subject matter that doesn't get talked about on the 19 other political comedy shows. That's what I'm trying to bring to the table. The India election to me that was worth diving into in a significant meaningful way. I loved going in there designing this beautiful graphics, just tapestry of non-stop images from front to back whole also doing the analysis and dipping in between English and Hindi. To me that's exciting, that's something I've never seen before. As long as I'm airtight in my argument and take I'm going to let the chips fall where they may. The thing I hope is again, I always hope my family is safe and okay. We're living in some strange times but that's another conversation for another time. 

Me: How does your family deal with all this, your shows and comedy and stuff? 

Hasan: It's tough but I'm very lucky, man, they at the end of the day always let me say what I wanted to say. They let me pass every creative bill though Congress. They never vetoed any of those things. We had a lot of disagreements but my dad like a lot of parents, he really does think that a simulation is the win, put my head down, just trey to fit in, don't rock the boat. He means that by the way whether I'm in America or if I'm India. He says, "You're a minority so just play by the rules." To me what I try to show him is he fought for all these things and I'm an artist ultimately... to me as an artist authenticity is the win. I got to say the things I feel deep down, that's where all the good stuff is. That has been our butting of heads. 

Me: Were you guys always butting heads? 

Hasan: Yeah, when I did "Ellen," she said, "Why did you spend three minutes having her pronounce your name correctly?" I was like, "Because authenticity is the win!" I don't want to be "Hasan Minhaj" anymore. That's corny to me. I did it before I was hedging a little. "Don't worry about it, Brad, just call it 'Hasan Minhaj,' it doesn't matter. My name doesn't matter." I'm like fuck that, dude, it does matter. It does matter. 

Me: I'm confused, and I don't understand. 

Hasan: I'm sorry you don't get it, man. Nobody is going to come save me. I thought there would be this moment where I would have this "Black Panther" moment and everyone would just say, "Hasan Minhaj." There's no superhero coming to save me, there's no other late night host who is going to break that door open for me who is south Asian who has an ethnic name like mine. I got to do it for myself. 

Me: Look, people have been calling me "Pervert" instead of "Peverett" all my life. 

Hasan: Yeah, I would not be on a blog called "The Pervert Phile." 

Me: I know. Haha. How would you describe your show in a few words? 

Hasan: An intersection of comedy and journalism and news. 

Me: Can comedy be a vehicle for social change? 

Hasan: I think comedy, it's interesting, has the possibilities to change the world in ways we could not even imagine. 

Me: What do you mean by that? 

Hasan: Who would have thought that a throwaway joke by Hannibal Buress on stage one night in Philadelphia would lead to a Bill Cosby jello accusation... we knew about this for decades but Hannibal's joke that night in Philly led to this thing. That's interesting, that's kind of crazy. Who would've thought an eyeshadow joke by Michelle Wolf would've led to the WHC not having a comedian perform at the correspondents dinner. These jokes have a way to impact the world, if you ask Michelle or Hannibal about it they probably wouldn't predict that would happen. But at the same time every night on stages across the country, across the world, comedians are throwing out jokes all the time and they have zero impact. The only impact is maybe they'll be laughs or no laughs because the joke bombs. So I think instead of assigning absolute value to jokes, "this joke would get this piece of legislation passed," I think it's important to just say and look at it like a piece of art. Hey, this thing is really beautiful in and on itself, it's a great joke or its a bad joke, it doesn't matter. But that's all it is, if it impacts things in a positive way great, if it doesn't that's fine too. But I think a lot of times now jokes NEED to get something done. It's like hey, man, that's not what art is. Like rappers have been rapping about police brutality for a ling time and selling millions of records. That hasn't stopped police brutality. There's a lot of other things that would have to happen. Art at the very least is there to inform and if something else positive happens that's great. 

Me: Okay. Thanks for being on the Phile, Hasan. 

Hasan: Great being on your blog, man.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Hasan for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Monday with Jake Tapper. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. 

Give me some rope, tie me to dream, give me the hope to run out of steam, somebody said it could be here. We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year. I can't count the reasons I should stay. One by one they all just fade away...