Pheaturing Dolly Parton

 

Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Geesh, this woman wanted a way out of her marriage and pronto. So she did what any other woman would do… she stabbed her husband! Kidding, please don’t stab your husband, that’s just pure evil and well, wrong. But by the look at her mugshot, she had no regrets. 

Forty-eight-year-old Shanda Johnson-Williams was arrested and received a murder charge over the death of her husband Jamie Williams. According to the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, authorities were called after Johnson-Williams reported her husband was dead inside their home in Fort Towson, Oklahoma. Paramedics were called to the residence, but 48-year-old Jamie Williams was already dead by the time they had arrived. The medical examiner determined the cause of death was related to the stab wounds sustained by Williams. The Choctaw County Sheriff’s Office requested assistance from the OSBI after his death seemed… quite suspicious. That’s when agents as well as deputies from the sheriff’s office arrested the Oklahoma woman and booked her into Choctaw County Jail. Johnson-Williams’ mugshot was released by authorities, showing her showing a massive grin as the picture was taken. Safe to say that photo will probably only make things worse when she shows up in court. Regrets? Nah, this woman didn’t have any. She did what she needed to do. Now, I really don’t know what the story behind this stabbing is, but I’m gonna blame the husband here. This woman looks ecstatic that he is dead, and by her own cold hands. I mean, either that or she is just plain crazy. Which could be a major possibility. But, I want to believe the first one. Still, it kind of sucks because she was still charged with first-degree murder. Game over. 

Oh my goodness, talk about some bad luck. Looks like this Amazon delivery guy got in quite a pickle, and now deserves a very heavy raise, an ice pack, and the keys to the city. Especially since he took this like a champ. I don’t know what the Amazon driver’s name is, but I’m calling him Bob. You certainly took one for the team Bob. A Ring video is now going viral on social media showing a delivery worker dropping off a package in front of a San Bernardino porch. Minding his own business he goes to take a picture of the package for confirmation and obliviously accidentally sits on a cactus behind him as he is bending over. 

He immediately bounces back up saying, “Oh my god. No, no, no. What the hell? No, no.” Ugh, I can already imagine the pain. My dude got 10 quills right up his butt, and let me tell you this reaction is beautiful. I want to meet this guy so bad. Of course, probably embarrassed by the situation since he saw the doorbell, he immediately tries to act cool before jumping in pain. He then starts laughing at his misfortune because well, he couldn’t believe it happened. It was a silly mistake, one that almost cost him his butt. Unfortunately, to make matters a little bit worse no one was home to help them so the poor dude had to pick out the cactus thorns himself. But let’s face it if I was him I would be mortified if someone walked right through that door. Can you imagine just saying, “Hey can you help me get these cactus spines out of my butt? I’m struggling here and I’m in pain.” Yeah, no thank you, I rather just wobble away to my truck and get them out there. I loved his attitude, I really have to give it to him. Especially at the end when he just says he’s good and gives a thumbs up. The best part is that he repeatedly keeps saying sorry to the owners because he knew they were going to see him struggling. I bet the ride back turn in that warehouse is quite painful though. God bless ring doorbells, and God bless Amazon workers. Hope you feel better, Bob. 

Jesus Christ, I really can’t keep up with the Internet anymore. Every time I try to find a good story that will make me feel good, I find something like this has traumatized the living hell out of me. I get it, there are a lot of Republicans who really love their political party. I’ve met a handful that live, breathe, and would basically die for her former President Donald Trump, which I mean your preference, your choice. Personally, I don’t. But I will say this, I respect people’s political parties. That being said, this is just too much. I get it, a lot of people have their own sexual fetishes and fantasies that they like to follow. It’s normal, it’s human, and let’s face it it’s nothing new. But this is where I’m drawing the line y’all. This is too much. I’m officially traumatized and I need this to stop because it’s driving me crazy. Anyways, introducing Trump toys made specifically for “the special lady in your life.” 

Yep, it’s actually a thing, and like I said I’m terrified. Apparently, Mike Oxall’s Guns & Ammo, who in my opinion have no business doing any kind of sex toy, decided that the world needs a Trump dildo. Because well, why not? Have to give them credit for that clever name though, I had a good giggle over it. I will say that the most hilarious part about this whole situation is that they specifically make it a point to say that these dildos are not for men whatsoever. They continued to advertise the dildos with several hashtags including: #Trump2024, #Trump 2424 Landslide, #Trump2037, #trumpismypresident, and #Trump2024toSaveAmerica. Which I mean… what in the world is up with that Trump 2037? What’s going on in that year? I am confused. Oh man, don’t ask me where you can buy this because I will not provide you with the link. Whoever buys this is indeed sick and has to probably go see a therapist. I know I am. Anyways, hope you have a good day and stay off the Internet for a while. I really hope this is some sort of sick joke. Don’t kill the messenger. 

Ever since the death of Alex Trebek, "Jeopardy!" has been stirring up controversy. From the outrage over Dr. Oz’s stint as host to that Final Jeopardy, Aaron Rodgers pown to this NBA fail to the initial snub of LeVar Burton (followed by a petition which earned the "Reading Rainbow" legend his own chance to guest host), the 37th season has been newsworthy to say the least. And now, after so much hosting drama, it’s a contestant that’s trending... for allegedly flashing a white supremacist hand symbol during an episode. Now, there’s an online petition for the show to acknowledge this issue and condemn the possible messaging. Kelly Donohue, a bank examiner from Winthrop, Massachusetts, appeared on "Jeopardy!" for the first time last week and won a total of $79,601 for during a three-day reign as champion. His time on the show did not seem too out of the ordinary, save for a slightly awkward moment of live TV when Donohue answered a question with the outdated term, “What is gypsy?” as opposed to the socially preferable “What is Roma?” Guest host Anderson Cooper pointed this out briefly, but Donohue received the point. He continued on his winning streak, competing on the Los Angeles game show set until April 26th when he lost (somewhat miserably) to contestant Dana Schumacher-Schmidt. But it’s another moment from that night’s episode that’s drawing not only attention but serious concern over white supremacy. Yahoo News broke the story which has gained steam on Twitter.

As you can see, Donohue held up three fingers then tapped them against his chest while holding his thumb and index finger together: a sideways okay sign. This motion is officially recognized as a hate symbol by the Anti-Defamation League. In 2017, 4chan users falsely claimed that this finger symbol represented “wp,” or “white power.” Even though there was no evidence to support it, the online hoax grew to the point of real-life popularity with white people throwing the symbol as trolling mechanism. In 2019, the racist Australian mass murderer Brenton Tarrant utilized the symbol when appearing in court after Christchurch, New Zealand mosque shooting in which he killed 50 people. From then on, the dark intent of the classic okay seemed clear-cut. The okay symbol was seen popping up on hands throughout the Capitol mob in Washington, D.C. last January. Donohue claims that he was trying to personalize his introduction by drawing attention to the fact that it was his third game, being the returning champion. And in Donohue’s defense, he did throw up deuces... in honor of his second game... during the quiz show introduction on April 25th. Then again, being a "Jeopardy!" champion with knowledge of all things trivia, it’s hard to imagine Donohue had no idea about the coded meaning of his hand gesture... especially during a period so fraught with civil rights abuses against black people. Social media was quick to respond, calling out Donohue’s apparently brazen white power salute. Others, however, maintain that this is not a social justice issue and that Donohue was truly demonstrating the number three. Taking a similar approach to both the "Jeopardy!" Dr. Oz boycott and the LeVar Burton support campaign, 467 former "Jeopardy!" contestants have signed an open letter, published on Medium, which demands a response from "Jeopardy!" over Donohue’s hand gesture. The statement places blame the show’s producers for not catching the symbol sooner and removing it from the taping. The writers explain, “During other tapings of 'Jeopardy!' episodes, changes have been made to avoid negative messaging making it to air. On more than one occasion, contestants have made gestures during their introductions that were seen as undesirable for broadcast and were asked by the production team to reshoot the footage without the gesture. A couple of years ago, a contestant unintentionally wagered a monetary amount that used numerical values coopted by white supremacist groups and, since the total didn’t affect the outcome of the game, 'Jeopardy!' digitally altered the numbers in the version that aired. This should have been done in this case. Intentional or not, the burden was on the production team to catch the similarity to a hate symbol and make sure it didn’t end up on air.” Since Kelly Donohue has not formally apologized, these "Jeopardy!" alums and fans feel it’s up to the program to say and do more.

Sony Pictures' Venom 2 project has experienced several delays due to the current COVID-19 situation but despite all of that, Marvel fans are still eager to see the follow-up and a lot of them have been patiently waiting for the studio to drop the first official trailer for the upcoming Spider-Man spinoff film. Several rumors circulated over the weekend that our first taste of Venom: Let There Be Carnage will drop today and lo and behold, it's finally here! The trailer features Eddie Brock still struggling to live a normal life with the Venom symbiote which has fully bonded with him. It also treats us to our first official look at Woody Harrelson's Cletus Kasady who transforms into the menacing Carnage thanks to the symbiote and by the looks of it, he has a major score to settle with Brock. Interestingly, the film seemingly tweaked Carnage's origin story but to avoid giving away too much, I'll just let you witness the awesome teaser yourself. It's no secret that the first Venom film received mixed reactions from fans and critics, but it still did pretty well overall and pretty much helped Sony solidify its own Spider-Man franchise outside the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Now, with rumors floating around that Sony has agreed to do another crossover with Marvel Studios, could we all see it go down in Venom: Let There Be Carnage? I'm guessing no since the film will focus on the epic clash between Venom and Carnage but I'm pretty sure it's upon us. Originally set for an October 2020 premiere, Venom: Let There Be Carnage will now hit cinemas on September 24th, 2021.

Instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

It might not be a bad album. Haha. Keeping up with the youngins and their lingo is tough. Kids these days like to use "emoji," which use small pictures to communicate how they're feeling... kind of like hyroglyphics. When using emoji, it's easy to confuse laugh-crying for just regular-crying, and these boomers and old folks made the unfortunate mistake of using the wrong face at the wrongest possible times.  

How do you like them apples? Any stroll through a store would have you believe that "pink is for girls" and "blue is for boys" are the associated gender roles are the very backbone of our society. Products from nail clippers to hand lotion are assigned genders when last time I checked, inanimate objects don't have gender identities. Like this breakfast menu...

When I get bored I like to go on Twitter and look up certain words and one of those words is "Foghat." Here's a tweet I saw recently...

And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Funny Things Said By Someone Yesterday

5. I have never opened "Shazam" not in a rushed panic.

4. Pfizer’s gonna make t-shirts for International Women’s Day that say “the pfuture is pfemale.” 

3. When random men DM my girlfriend, it's like... where's my DM or is chivalry dead?

2. Every day I wonder why I bothered putting in a two week notice when I quit jobs as a teenager... WTF bridges was I trying not to burn at the American Eagle in Cary, North Carolina?

And the number one funny thing said by someone yesterday was...

1. Why do I have to perform gender, can’t I do gender stage crew?

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jeff shall we?

Looks okay today... maybe a little cold. 

Today's guest is an American singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, actress, author, businesswoman, and humanitarian, known primarily for her work in country music. Her book Songteller: My Life in Lyrics is the 150th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... the levandary Dolly Parton!

Me: Hello, Dolly! Hahaha. Welcome to the Phile. I am sooo excited to have you here. How are you? 

Dolly: I'm good, thanks for having me. What is your name? 

Me: Haha. I'm Jason. 

Dolly: Hi, Jason! Nice to meet you! 

Me: Thanks. Nice to meet you too. 

Dolly: Do you play an instrument? 

Me: Ha! I play kazoo. 

Dolly: That's good. I love the kazoo. 

Me: That's enough about me... for now. Haha. Okay, so your book is the 150th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Tell the readers what the book is about. 

Dolly: I collected the stories behind 175 of my most beloved songs in my book called Songteller. 

Me: What did you learn about yourself as a songwriter looking back at all these songs? 

Dolly: Well, when I was writing those songs I had no idea one of these days I was going to be sitting around for two or three days talking about them with Bob Robert Orman who is my dear friend. He's a country music historian and when I started to put the book together well, he was asking all these questions and I was really having to dig deep and I was having to remember things I had wanted to forget. It was really like at the end of the day I was just kind of exhausted in a good way but it was really kind of like therapy and I just hadn't really thought about all those songs but it took me back in time and it was good and bad. So I really had a chance to revisit and think about why I wrote the song. Where I was emotionally at that time and where I was physically, where I was living, what I was doing and why I wrote them. So it really was fun for me but it was kind of draining in a way. 

Me: I bet it was. So, how old were you when you started to write songs? 

Dolly: I was about 5 or 6-years-old. Then I got serious about writing songs right about when I was 7. 

Me: Hahaha. How serious can you be and how serious were your songs when you were 7-years-old? 

Dolly: Ha ha. Well, I got pretty serious because well, my mother's people were all very musical, everybody played musical instruments and were always singing and playing at anytime. Anybody would come through I'd make them show me chords on the guitar and I would hear my mom and my aunts and all the women sitting around or just people talking about people that had been in the war, killed in the war, somebody's son got murdered up at the sawmill. I would just hear all these stories so I knew all these stories and I absorbed everything so it was easy for me to write. I had the gift of rhyme early, early on and when I learned to play that little guitar my heart was always heavy hearing all these songs so that was how I kind of channeled all those feelings even whether they were happy or whether they were sad. I started doing it really early on so it was easy for me to gather up information and inspiration from other people's lives. 

Me: What songs was your mom singing around the house? 

Dolly: Well, the songs my mom used to sing were a lot of the old songs from the old world, from England and Ireland. Barbara Allen, "Pretty Fair Miss," all those old songs that really told stories. That's how people used to carry the news back in the day before news, before we had radio. But they used to write them as ballads, they were called ballads and they would carry them from town to town to town so whether it'll be "Knoxville Girl" or "Down By the Banks of the Ohio" all those great old songs like that so that's what mama would sing. That was just kind of imbedded in my soul like "Fair and Tender Maidens" all those songs. I write a lot that kind of have that old-timey flavor. 

Me: Ha. Isn't "Down By the Banks of the Ohio" about a murder? 

Dolly: Exactly. It's about a boy that took the girl and she just said "no, I'm not going to marry you" so he killed her and threw her into the river. I guess when they say "banks of the Ohio" that was in England, not here in Ohio. Not in Cleveland. LOL. 

Me: You must like those dark songs, right? You had the song "The Bridge" which was a heavy song for country radio in the 60s, Dolly. Am I right? 

Dolly: It was. And I wrote a lot of those songs before I came to Nashville. But I love that, I'm very dramatic in my writing. I love stories and I love creating stories and I just become whatever I'm writing about. I'm I'm writing about a girl that's going to jump off a bridge that's me, I'm climbing every step up there to jump off that bridge, I feel that water, I just become whatever I'm writing about. But I think that's good in a way because I kind of like to act it out too. I was always kind of dramatic as a kid. But I'm dramatic in my writing as well. 

Me: So, "Jolene" tells the story of a true person, right? 

Dolly: With "Jolene," just like that haunting melody, I write in those minor keys, it could just be done slow just like one of those old songs mama hadn't done it slow. I could do that as a ballad with those haunting minor chords and all that so without me even realizing it that's just in my Smokey Mountain DNA and that just kind of embedded in me, but yeah, I love telling stories. 

Me: Okay, so, you started writing songs when you were about five. What was the first song you wrote? 

Dolly: "Little Tiny Tassel Top" which I penned when I was just four or five-years-old, inspired by a homemade doll my mama made me. 

Me: What does that say about your childhood where you write a song about a doll your mom made you? 

Dolly: Well, it told me we didn't get store-bought toys and all that stuff so we had very little, very personal little things like that. But we always grew our own corn, we had to shuck and shell that corn in big buckets so daddy could take it to the grist mill and had it ground up for cornmeal. So we had all these cobs and stuff laying around but we also had this one particular doll, we always had the poker to poke the fire but I took this little cob and daddy burned some eye holes in it with the poker and mama took the tassels that had come off of the corn that we were shucking and she glued the tassels back on and she made a little dress out of the shucks and kind of made me a little doll. Well, it was mine. It was personal. That was my own little doll and she had tassels on her head so I called her Tassel Top. So of course she was my doll and I had emotions for her and love and feelings for her so I wrote the song about little tiny Tassel Top, you're the only friend I've got, I hope upon never go away, I want you to stay. Of course I wrote severals things. Mama had kept that in the box through the years and years later mom said, "I got some stuff I'd bet you'd love to have." So she had several things that I had written, that she had written down that I had made up because she's fascinated with my rhyming and singing that little song. So and then that kind of brought that back to me but I was writing before I could ever write. 

Me: Why do you think she loved it so much? Dolly writing about a dolly. Haha. 

Dolly: She loved it because we were all creative. But when I started playing my little guitar I got serious and mama would always and I have a sister and two brothers who are older, and there's eight kids younger so I was kind of one of those kids that needed attention and I wasn't going to get any extra unless I was going to get my butt busted or was in trouble or needed to do something. So I just kind of lived with my music, I lived in my little guitar and I just created my own little world and mama would be fascinated with the songs that I would write. She would when people would come to our house she would say "run and get your guitar" and she'd say to them, "I want you to hear this song this little thing wrote." So I thought I'm getting all this attention and I'm doing something special so that just kind of encouraged me. I don't know what's going to inspire me or encourage me but I realized I was getting attention doing it and I loved doing it so it just became my thing. 

Me: What's the biggest lesson do you think you learned growing up the way that you did? 

Dolly: Well, I think the biggest lesson I learned from growing up like I did is being grateful and thankful and understanding all people and understanding that it's not about money. If you do good at what you're do you're going to make money but I'm not the least bit intimidated and I never was by people that had more than me even in those early days. I seemed to could fit anywhere, there were some things I didn't know I was little embraced about. 

Me: Like what and how? 

Dolly: When I first start to having to eat at a table with people that have table manners I don't know how to use my fork or my spoon. I still don't know half of that but I don't care anymore. If it's there I just use whatever's there. But I just remember more than anything in those early days just being uncomfortable because I was out of my element. But I learned soon enough it ain't about all that. I've got good manners as far as not eating and talking with my mouth full or something like that but I just watch other people what they do and I just follow along with that. Anyhow I just never felt out of place because I was always self contained and I was always comfortable with who I was. And I still am. 

Me: So, I always wanted to see you in concert, so maybe after this pandemic is over. What was your live show audience like, Dolly? 

Dolly: I saw drag queens in an aisle and truckers in an aisle. I like bringing all different kinds of people together. 

Me: What do you think is behind all that? Why is that? I think that's great by the way. 

Dolly: Well, I think a whole of that is I think people relate to me because I did grow up with humble beginnings. I think people can relate to me in every way and like my gay following they relate to me because they know I love people. I accept everybody for who they are. I am not a judgmental person. I love everybody, I really do. I really care and want to care, that's the Christ spirit I think. I just think we're supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves, we're supposed to care, we're supposed to try harder than we are these days. I also think that I relate to every personality in my own family. Like I said there's a whole big bunch of us and I see somebody in my family and everybody is the audience. There's gay people in my family, there's truckers in my family, there's plumbers or there's farmers, there's rebels, somebody in my family is in everybody I meet. I just have an open heart, I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to create good things, I want to uplift people and glorify God even though I'm not out here to preach. Everybody's got their own faith, I'm not saying just because I believe it you have to believe it but you got to believe in something. You certainly need to breath in love. 

Me: You recently said in Billboard magazine that you support Black Lives Matter. Why did you think it was important for you to let people know that? I support BLM as well by the way. 

Dolly: Well, I was doing an interview and that was during that time and the interviewer blatantly asked me do I think black lives matter and I said, "Are you serious? Of course black lives matter!" Who do you think we are? We are all important, everybody matters, blacks, whites, it doesn't matter, we're all God's children in my mind and I'm here for somebody to blame what am I going to say? No, they don't matter. Of course Black Lives Matter. It did not come from any kind of political thing or any kind of movement or any of that but my heart is open to everybody and of course we all matter. So I don't have any apologies to make for anybody, I love everybody. 

Me: That's good. Okay, what's your favorite Dolly Parton song? 

Dolly: Oh, I think my favorite from a very personal standpoint is "The Coat of Many Colors." 

Me: Why is that? 

Dolly: Because it's about mama, but it's about a philosophy, it's about acceptance, it even endorses the bullying kind of thing but to me it's about a life of many colors, a love of many colors in addition to being a little coat. 

Me: So, this is my last year doing this blog, Dolly. I think I'll still do interviews on another blog kinda thing, don't know yet. Anyway, I have a short list who I want to interview before October and Willie Nelson is on my list. You have known him for a long time so what can you say about him? 

Dolly: Willie and I moved to Nashville about the same time. I moved in 1964 and I started writing for Combine Music and recording for Monument Records owned by the same man, Fred Foster. Willie Nelson also was there and Fred had his offices which were upstairs in this building and down below he had a setup for all the writers. We would all go down there to write, sometimes together, sometimes separately, but I remember Willie and I just clicked like that and our lives kind of ran parallel. We were on Monument, we were with Combine, then we both went to RCA and everywhere we would go we were always there. So we really are very connected and were really care a lot about each other. But I remember Willie was clean shaven, short hair, he looked like a dork. But a good whatever he likes, I mean he was so clean. 

Me: That was before the reefer, Dolly. 

Dolly: I know! That's where he started smoking the dope. But anyway, when it was only because he kept trying to have hit records and they were not accepting. Such a fantastic writer, such a great singer, and he wasn't doing what he should so he just kind of threw it all down and went back to Austin to start growing his hair and all that and that's when the outlaw movement started with Waylon and all of them. When he got to where he said "I don't give a damn," is when I started doing what I could do great. 

Me: There's a lesson in that. 

Dolly: I think so too. 

Me: Did your parents get married young, Dolly? 

Dolly: Mama was 15, daddy was 17 when they got married. They didn't have any money so mama didn't even have a wedding band. Daddy either for that matter. But one year daddy decided that we would all pitch in and but mama a wedding band and so we bought mama her first wedding ring with a house full of kids and her kids helped buy the ring. I even wrote a song called "The Circle of Love" and it tells that story about the ring and how we made up money to buy mama's ring and did whatever we could to make enough money for that. 

Me: You're so amazing, Dolly! Thanks so much for being on the Phile. 

Dolly: Thank you, you did a good job. 

Me: Give me a call if you need a kazoo player. 

Dolly: Oh, I wil. Good luck to you!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Dolly Parton for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Monday with Alison Sealy-Smith and Lenore Zann from the X-Men animated series. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Kiss your brain! 

Give me some rope, tie me to dream, give me the hope to run out of steam, somebody said it could be here. We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year. I can't count the reasons I should stay. One by one they all just fade away...