Pheaturing Johnny Marr

 

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. Stop asking candidates if they "believe in" climate change and start asking if they understand it. It's science, not Santa Claus. Okay, I got that off my chest let's get started. There aren’t a lot of things more annoying than expecting a pizza to be waiting for you on your doorstep and finding no pizza. It’s probably even worse when you open the door to discover that there was a pizza, clearly, at some point, but all that’s left is an empty pizza box. That’s exactly what one Colorado Springs woman discovered when she opened her door expecting a piping hot pie and instead got some tattered, greasy cardboard. Naturally, she went to check her doorbell camera to see what sort of monster would do this to her. Turns out it wasn’t a greedy neighbor. As her security camera showed, was a black bear. Naturally as soon as she saw the footage of the bear eating pizza she sent it to the local news (and probably posted it on Facebook and/or other social media too). The footage is unsurprising considering wild black bears, brown bears, and grizzly bears are currently getting ready to hibernate. The beasts eat up to 20,000 calories a day and though they have some fear of people that tends to go away when they see a free pizza sitting out in the middle of the day. Considering how many people are still staying inside thanks to coronavirus these bears have likely been feasting Uber Eats orders, pizza deliveries, and other food deliveries. Is there a single Canadian home that can have poutine left on their doorstep anymore? At this point black bear cubs must be furious when their mom comes home with something gross and lame like a squirrel or some berries. These bears would stroll into a steakhouse and demand a table if they were hungry enough. They will absolutely crash your tailgate BBQ. So here’s some breaking news for everyone who lives where bears have accessibility to their front porch: as soon as your pizza arrives take it inside. 

Beloved Ghostbusters and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids actor Rick Moranis was the victim of a random, violent attack on the streets of New York City‘s Upper West Side near Central Park. An unknown man walked up to the Canadian actor on the sidewalk and randomly punched him in the head. The NYPD have released footage of the breaking news, which shows an unidentified man sucker-punching the Little Shop of Horrors actor and Moranis falling to the ground. Fortunately, Moranis appears to be mostly okay. The 67-year-old former Hollywood mainstay who largely quit acting to raise his children after the death of his wife from breast cancer went to the hospital to be treated for pain in his head, back, and hip. After checking out of the hospital Moranis then went to the NYPD 20th Precinct to report the attack. “He is fine but grateful for everyone’s thoughts and well wishes,” Moranis’ representative told The Hollywood Reporter. The NYPD took to social media to ask for tips from the public on who may have possibly attacked the former SCTV star on the streets of NYC. Moranis, a Toronto, Canada native who started his career appearing opposite Dave Thomas on the sketch comedy show "SCTV" and in Strange Brew as the brothers Bob and Doug McKenzie is best known for his roles on the big screen in Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II as the hapless but lovable Louis Tully, Spaceballs as the Darth Vader spoof Dark Helmet, The Flintstones live-action adaptation as Barney Rubble, the Disney cartoon Brother Bear, and as inventor Wayne Szalinski in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. Moranis has also twice been nominated for a Grammy award for the comedy albums "The Agoraphobic Cowboy" and "Great White North (Album)." 

I’m just going to flat out say it: these people are freaking crazy. I hate to be that guy, especially since I know a ton of great people from small towns, and I’ve been to my fair share of beautifully small towns. However, you can’t deny that there are small towns out there that have an eerie sense about them because of what they hold within. And for Mayflower, Arkansas, I’m sure there are plenty of wonderful people there. But for a town that has less than 2,000 people, something like this really makes you wonder. Lloyd Eddie Lasker Jr., a 49-year-old pastor, was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of a gun by a convicted felon, according to the court documents. He was released from custody after posting a $7,500 bond, but is due back in court on October 13th. So what did this dude do?! Lasker is the pastor of the House of Refuge and Deliverance Ministries church and had admitted using meth with his parishioners, as well as performing an exorcism on a 21-month-old child. Four days prior, police officers from the Conway Police Department responded to a welfare check on the church, discovering this poor baby with “multiple bruises from head to toe.” The young child’s mother was with the pastor, and she was claiming that “he was possessed by a demon.” When he was taken to the hospital, he was immediately admitted to the intensive care unit (ICU) with a brain bleed and extreme malnourishment. That’s when investigators decided to go to Lasker’s home to question him. However, he wasn’t there. They found his white Dodge truck at an Exxon gas station of the town that’s north of Little Rock, also finding 4 grams of meth in a small baggie. According to the affidavit filed in Faulkner County Circuit Court, they also found a pipe and more meth on the floor of the passenger side when the asked Lasker to get out of the passenger seat. Timothy Bynum, a second man, had been on the driver’s side and told officers that the drugs were Lasker’s and he didn’t know that the pipe and drugs were in the truck. He also admitted to using meth “in the past” as well as using inside the church with the child’s mother and the other members of the congregation. The Arkansas pastor told police that he was trying to “exorcise the demon” from the young boy, but didn’t go into the details. When officers searched the church, they found another bag of suspected meth and a shotgun in Lasker’s home. Lasker, however, is an ex-felon, meaning he was barred from possessing guns. It’s clear as day what doing meth can do to you. To harm a child, an emaciated 21-month-old child to be exact, the way these people have makes me really hope that there are child abuse case charges to compliment the drug charges. The boy’s mother needs to understand the severity of her consequences, and I’m not one to judge anyone’s beliefs, but these church members are out of their minds. Literally. But I’m also not surprised that this crazy psycho on meth really though he was performing exorcisms. I’m sure that’s the methamphetamines doing for sure.

A Kansas man and former male model has been sentenced to two years and eight months for kicking a toddler while shouting racial slurs and other obscenities at the child while inside a grocery store. Trace Riff of Wichita, Kansas was sentenced to 32 months in prison for the horrifying incident, which occurred at a Dillons grocery store in December of 2018. According to police Riff kicked a 1-year-old toddler in the back while the child’s big sister was walking him around the store. The kick caused the toddler to fall to the ground. Riff then began to shout racial slurs and other obscenities at the toddler. A fast-acting Dillons employee quickly tackled Riff to the ground and a group of Dillons workers held Riff there until police could arrive. The boy was not seriously hurt. Riff was originally charged with ethnic intimidation, simple battery and resisting arrest. Riff’s prison sentence, however, also stems from another incident that occurred shortly after the toddler assault at Dillons, during which Riff was found in a vacant apartment by police and charged with meth possession and use of toxic vapors. On May 19th Riff entered a plea deal on charges of attempted aggravated battery, disorderly conduct, unlawful use of toxic vapors and possession of meth. Riff has a prior conviction for battery against a law enforcement officer. According to local Wichita, Kansas news anchor Shane Ewing, Riff was once actually a male model of some repute, appearing in photos with Gisele Bundchen, one of the world’s most famous and successful supermodels and wife to NFL star Tom Brady, a six-time Super Bowl champion and three-time league MVP with the New England Patriots, and the current quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 

Some of you guys don’t need a costume if you want to be a dick for Halloween, but some of you do! Okay, I’m not going to beat around the bush. This costume is exactly what it looks like (a big inflatable penis). 

Picking out a costume doesn’t have to be hard this year, just slip this inflatable penis costume on. This Halloween costume is perfect for the prankster who loves being a little risqué. The penis suit is freaking hilarious, but I understand it won’t be funny to some. It’s a joke, not a real penis, so don’t take it so hard. If you’re going to an adult-only Halloween party this year, consider this adult inflatable penis costume. It’s available on Amazon for only $35 and is sure to win any costume party. The adult costume is operated by a fan to keep it full of air. (It inflates in seconds.) This party costume definitely takes inflatable costumes to the next level. The giant inflatable penis costume will turn some heads. No pun intended. Thankfully, this costume is made from 100% polyester, so you won’t have to worry about any tears. Now, I’m typically one to recommend couples costumes, but I think your Halloween party only has room for one genitalia-themed costume. Get yours just in time for Halloween! Seriously, I bet this jumpsuit helps you win best costume. It’s a hot mess, but it’s too funny to pass up. One more tip: (no pun intended), do not wear this if you plan on passing out candy. You’d be one sick person to do that. Keep the costume limited to a party with friends! 

Instead of doing this stupid blog thing I should be listening to this record...

No, maybe not but I love that cover. October is breast cancer awareness month, so if you’re naturally a lover of pink, you’re probably all set to support breast cancer awareness. While many organizations sell breast cancer awareness month t-shirts, some are beginning to sell breast cancer awareness masks. I love this idea so much! I think this could speak volumes to many people who aren’t fans of masks. Someone just a few feet away from them could be battling cancer or know someone who is. Keeping the vulnerable safe is something we’re all capable of doing. All it takes is a mask. Here’s another simple option with ear loops. 

While some of you are going to “pink-out” with pink masks, some prefer black face masks with little pink ribbons instead. Totally understandable! Its pumpkin spice season and some companies are taking it a bit too far this year...

Sugar-free gummy bears might seem like a great idea in theory. But, like so many things being sold to us in a capitalist society, there is a catch. Anyone who's ever tried (or worse, binged) on sugar-free candy knows exactly what that catch is. If you're not sure, just check out the reviews on an Amazon listing for a 1-lb. bag of Haribo SUGAR FREE Classic Gummi Bears. While some people are clearly roasting the product, and others seem to be sharing their (very, very) real experiences, this reviews get 5-stars for hilarity... and extreme honesty.

Hahaha. We all know Angus Young from AC/DC is a great guitar player but did you know he also plays a mean slug? No? Check it out...

Hahahaha. That's funny. It's love bug season again here in Florida and cars should be looking like this...

So, some NFL teams have changed their logos this year... I don't know why but this is the Giants' new logo...

Makes no sense to me, kids. Now here's a story from this crazy ass state of Florida...

A Florida man was seen on video shooting through his own windshield in a bizarre instance of road rage. Marco Mazzetta was seen on his own dashcam footage shooting through his windshield at another driver who he claimed was driving aggressively and brandishing a weapon at him and that the warning shots were in self-defense. According to Mazzetta, the car bumped up against his truck and then aggressively sped around him. It was then that the driver flashed the gun at him. Feeling compelled to defend himself, Mazzetta fired at the moving vehicle. The dashcam video from Mazzetta’s truck seems to confirm his version of the events. The video shows him holding his gun watching the car speed around him through the side window after a minor rear collision and then firing his gun out at the other car. After firing the weapon Mazzetta... who is adamant that he is telling the truth and that the other driver was a threat to him... immediately went and turned himself in to the Orange County Sheriff’s Office to report the incident and his discharging of a weapon on the highway. When asked to explain himself Mazzetta texted WESH 2 News, “I’m not a fan of guns; I’m a fan of not getting shot. I know this video doesn’t capture my smartest moments but I hope any idiot criminal with a gun watching thinks twice before loading, brandishing, and aiming their firearm at someone over a traffic infraction.” The Orange County Florida police chief confirmed that as a follow-up to the incident the shooting is being investigated by law enforcement officers from their police department but that no arrests have been made at this time.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jefferson, New York, shall we? By the way, it's raining here in Orlando I wonder if it's raining there...

It's a beautiful morning there. I wish I was there. Speaking of Port Jeff, now from the home office there here is...

Top Things Overheard About Trump Having COVID-19

5. Hydroxychloroquine stand back and stand by.

4. I once said I had leprosy to get out of a work appointment so I think we gotta wait til we see independent results of this Trump COVID diagnosis.

3. This is the most "Newsroom" ass shit that has ever happened.

2. I wonder if Melania will be able to resume her fucking Christmas decoration duties. 

And the number one thing overheard about Trump having COVID-19 is...

1. I’ll tell you, 2020 just has incredible stamina. 

The 137th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Lamont will be on the Phile in a few weeks. Okay, let's laugh...

Woman in jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out, hoping no one noticed she asks, "How much is that one?" The jeweler says, "Madam, if you farted looking at out, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price!" 

Today's pheatured guest is is an English musician, songwriter, and singer. He first achieved fame as the guitarist and co-songwriter of the Smiths. His latest solo album out called "Call the Comet" that's available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Johnny Marr.

Me: Hello, Johnny, welcome to the Phile. How are you? 

Johnny: I'm good. Thank you. 

Me: So, your latest album "Call the Comet," is inspired by Brexit and Donald Trump. How so? 

Johnny: Well funny enough it's a bit of a paradox 'cause it inspired me because I tried my best to sing about it. Actually figures on the political scene did me a little bit of a favour 'cause I knew I was going to be making a new record and Brexit happened and Trump's election happened then the actual act of going into the studio with my band and trying to make a rock record almost was an antidote to that. It made me think, okay, rock music and being a musician is a pretty good escape as it was for me as a 15-year-old. Then midway through making the record I think hey, this record I'm putting together is an escape that how come someone listening to my new record, listening to a rock record is remembering that rock music there's nothing wrong with it being an escape. Rock music can do somethings that's pretty useful. 

Me: So, did you still pay attention to the news when you were making the album? I imagine you did. 

Johnny: I kind shut myself away to create this album but I also projected news and media on a screen, with Fox and the BBC and Al Jazeera to kind of remind me of the stuff I was shutting away from. 

Me: What the fuck? So, did you want to shut yourself away from it or see it? This makes no sense, Johnny. 

Johnny: Well, it was just a matter of a little bit of sensory stimulation. I'm a little bit beyond taking drugs for weeks and I don't really think it's very productive. So, we had these big projections to make the atmosphere a little bit trippy without actually resort to taking drugs. 

Me: What did the band think of this? 

Johnny: The band was a little bit annoyed by it at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. 

Me: I would be too. So, on the album there's a song called "A Different Gun." What is that song about? 

Johnny: It's a quite heavy one really because it was inspired by the Bastille Day lorry attack in Nice. It doesn't get much heavier than that in a song really. When I came to sing the record I nearly finished it and my friend from Toronto from the Broken Social Scene who are really good friends of mine came to Manchester on the day there was a really dreadful attack on the Manchester Arena. I was working on the song and Kevin Drew, who is the lead singer in the Broken Social Scene said to me, "Listen, we're still going to come and we're still going to play this show." He invited me to go out and play and I felt that I couldn't do it. If you could imagine it was just a weird time. 

Me: Being from Manchester, England, Johnny, what was that day like for you? I remember it, it was back in 2017 and happened when people were leaving the Arena from the Ariana Grande concert. 

Johnny: Kevin was walking around the city making these amazing little clips on his phone and sending them to me of people in my city doing heroic things and coming together and it was a very, very surreal day as you can imagine. He said, "I know you're feeling weird, but toy just got to stay with us and you gotta come out tonight. We gotta try and honor these people." So that's where the line "stay and come out tonight" come from in the song. 

Me: What mark has that bombing left in Manchester in your opinion? 

Johnny: I don't think the city gets over that kind of thing This particular event I don't think is ever going to really get over. The thing that it did do, because I was born in Manchester, and I've been there since I was a kid... it seems like a novice thing to say but when we're reminded about how strong people are and how compassionate people are and how unified people are it's an amazing sense of pride and I get to see it. People coming together and having the rhetoric and doing the right things, but when something like that happens and the whole city has to come together people really stopped judging each other for their differences and when the cops were down everybody remembered their similarities. 

Me: Yeah, the same thing kinda happened after the Pulse shooting here in Orlando. People's petty grievances seem to fade away when something happens like that on such a big level, right? 

Johnny: Yeah, as I say judgement really goes out the window. Whether it's some kid is riding a bike with his friends with hoodies on or whether people are homeless on the street or whether they voted a different way in the election and all of that those things seem to be important to people on a daily basis became completely meaningless. 

Me: So, you're a very good songwriter and guitar player, Johnny. Who was your biggest influence musically growing up in Manchester? 

Johnny: To a 10-year-old T-Rex's "Jeepster" really blew me away. Its influences has gone right away through my life and my story is actually like a story for a musician from the 40s or 50s and that's because my parents come from the fields in Ireland and they were country people. My mates listened to music and people of my age got into music through watching "Top of the Pops" or they wanted to play guitar at 16 or 17-years-old through watching the Sex Pistols or whatever. Where I was surrounded by these adults who played harmonica and my uncle played the guitar. They partied 2 or 3 nights a week for entertainment. It was just the norm for a night for the furniture to be moved back or the carpet to be rolled back for a bunch of these young adults to start partying and my aunties to be singing to people jiving to rock and roll and all of that. That would happen on a Tuesday. There was a lot of drinking, lot of partying and that was very magical to me as a little child. There was all this very colourful language and smoking and crazy arse dancing. There was this wildness in it and I watched these adults, like my mum and dad when an Eddie Cochran record would come on my dad would be jiving and I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. It was a beautiful thing to see and then I decided that music was for me really. 

Me: And you went off and co-founded the Smiths, which you know we have to talk about. So, when did you first meet Morrissey? 

Johnny: The Smiths formed when I went and knocked on the door of Morrissey's house one unusually sunny day in Manchester. He had no idea I was about to turn up. A friend of mine had given me his address and I knocked on the door and his sister answered and I was there as a stranger. Then he came to the door and I said I was forming a group and was looking for co-writer, and so far I had just myself. A friend of mine was going to manage this band I was putting together and would he be interested. He amazingly led me into the house and he invited me up to his room. He invited me to look though his box of records and he was looking at me, like it was a test. I knew it was a test, right. I'm looking through these records and there's like Sandy Shaw and Billy Fury, Dusty Springfield, all these great records, right. So I found this Marvelettes record which is "Paper Boy" which is quite a rare record still and then I pulled "Paper Boy" out just as he was about to say "good choice" I flipped over to the B-side which I knew was called "You're the One" and I played "You're the One" because I was a bit of a smartarse, It turned out to be quite symbolic. 

Me: Because of that the Smiths were formed in a way. Do you ever think that if you picked another record what would have happened? 

Johnny: To be fair his record collection was identical to mine and I knew a lot about that stuff. I remember every second about that meeting, and this is where it's going to get a little cosmic now but I've had quite a few moments in my life when it felt like destiny was about to happen. I was very unusual in that I had a very strong idea of what I wanted to do and also a very unusual idea which was to make a Manchester version of the Rolling Stones that was insured by girl groups. I can't stress weird that was in 1981. In Morrissey I found someone who was just as unusual in that regard. We're very, very different characters... very, very different personalities as people, which is one of the reasons why it worked. 

Me: What is one of the main things you two had in common? 

Johnny: This real fascination and obsession with parts of rock and pop culture, we both had that entirely in common. Not just he wants to be a singer in the band, I want to write the music in the band, and be the guitar player. No, no, no, no, it was very, very nuanced attention to detail. How the music press worked, how the lyrics worked, the labels, the way sleeves were, just this really crazy obsessive stuff. But lyrically, especially in his case, they were married to a real talent singing and writing lyrics and in my case playing guitar and writing music and knowing how to put a band together. 

Me: I have to say I have the two greatest hits albums, and like so many Smiths songs. I was surprised to find out though that the Smiths only lasted about five years as a band. You must've been very young when the band broke up, right? 

Johnny: Yeah, that's right, I was very young and to pack all that music in such a short time. 

Me: Why was the band so prolific? 

Johnny: Because we knew the value of it, no one had to tell us to get in the studio, no one had to tell us to raise the bar, no one had to tell us the next album has to be an artistic jump. No one could tell us that because we were always three steps ahead of ourselves. I kind of guess we it's because we were experts. It sounds like a boast but... The stories about Bob Marley when he went into the studio at 15 and 16 in Jamaica and he was a pain in the arse because he would say, "Those vocals are too quiet. The vocals are too loud." This was a kid who had studied Curtis Mayfield, studied Sam Cooke, he knew all the Impressions records, he knew the girl groups records and all of that. A lot of characters throughout rock music are the same, are experts, they're experts as children. It comes from obsession and in my case it also comes from desperation to escape the alternative. 

Me: When you say "escape the alternative" you mean the working class existence of Manchester? 

Johnny: Yeah. A normal job. 

Me: Do you still play Smiths music in your own concerts? 

Johnny: Well, for the longest time, for years and years I didn't play any Smiths songs. I thought it just didn't seem right. I was too young and I thought I had all these things to do. I didn't want to be seen like being propped up by my legacy I guess. So, for many years I didn't do it but I went out to New Zealand to play with Neil Finn, who I have great respect for, his a phenomenal songwriter and musician. He asked me to come out and play a few gigs with him and at a soundcheck he said, "Hey, Johnny, do you want to play 'There Is a Light That Never Goes Out?'" Now either didn't realize or completely bluffed... like he was thinking, "drop your precious bullshit." At that moment I felt very precious, a big part of me was like don't you know I don't do those songs? The Internet will break and all of that over the top stuff. So we went out and played it and it was amazing, I realise that it's a very corny thing to say but it just belonged to anyone who liked it. When I do that song now I feel like I'm a conductor, just leading everybody else in the song really. It's not really about me, in fact it's about everyone else's memories and everyone else's relationship and when I've done things like that it's a real privilege and I shouldn't be so real up myself about it. 

Me: So, what's your relationship with Morrissey these days? 

Johnny: Oh, we don't have a relationship and that's fine. That really makes sense to me that we don't have one. I think anyone who has taken an interest in what I do and knows anything about me wouldn't be surprised by that really. We're very, very different people. We've always have been different people. I think everyone's allowed to say whatever they want. I don't agree with it and it's my prerogative to not agree with it. What he says doesn't have very much to do with my world, I don't really recognize it as being part of my world, it's a part of some other world that I'm not involved in. I understand why I would be questioned about it of course and its an obvious thing to say but it has been 30 plus years since I left that group and I left it for good reason. I never regretted leaving it, it's a shame. I feel sad that the group split up, it was a real shame but I will say as sad as it was, the Smiths weren't like R.E.M. or the Rolling Stones, or U2, we were never built to be together for 40 years. 

Me: So, what is music's power in turbulent times that we are presently in? 

Johnny: Music, I think at these times for me, and idealism. We don't have to sing political lyrics to have that idealism, the audience just knows we are on the same side. I think that's a pretty good job and post Brexit and Trump I thought what's my best approach to this. as simple as it sounds it's be really, really good and what I do because then people could buy tickets, but the album and come out and see me and go "you know what, at least the music scene isn't turning into shit." 

Me: Johnny, this has been a great interview. Please come back again. Take care. 

Johnny: Thank you for inviting me.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Johnny for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Friday with actor and director Terry Gilliam. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Kiss your brain. 

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon