Well, this is certainly a new one. Thirty-five-year-old Marcus Davis of Port, Oregon was sent to the hospital earlier this year, with several gunshot wounds on his body. Davis had told authorities that while waiting at a bus stop, he was robbed and then shot by a homeless man. But, after inspection of the “supposed crime act,” police officers said, “nope we don’t buy your story, sir” and began to trace his steps. Basically, they kept asking how the bullet ended up inside of Davis, because well, he was shot in a very peculiar place. The bullet had traveled right through the top of his penis, through his right testicle, and into his upper inner right thigh. Lucky for him, the bullet exited through his lower right thigh, so at least there were no bullet particles inside him. Still, ouch. Forensics, being the genius they are, indicated that the position of the wound meant that it actually came from above, and not across as the man had initially told police. So, due to the many prior felony convictions, Davis was not allowed to be in possession of a firearm, leading to his eventual sentence of six years in federal prison. Womp. You snooze, you lose sir. Why are you carrying a gun if you know you can’t? Dumb, dumb, dumb. He tried to cover his crime, and it only bit him back twice as hard. You know this man wasn’t thinking right. According to Assistant U.S. Attorney Lewis Burkhard, Davis indeed played a significant price with his injuries and sentences he’s going to be receiving. He stated, “I don’t think anything the court can say or the government can say can stop the injuries he gave to himself to stop him from possessing firearms. Hopefully this is the last time we will see Mr. Davis.” Word of advice, if you are going to buy a gun, or use it, which you shouldn’t but you know, AMERICA, maybe make sure the lock is on in the first place. You know, so you can avoid the whole shooting the whole crotch situation.
After more than 116 years, Barnum’s Animals Crackers, a classic Nabisco snack, has decided to take off the bars off its packaging. Instead of the animals caged in a boxcar, the new boxes show a now cage-free zebra, an elephant, a lion, a giraffe, and a gorilla roaming free, side by side. Check it out...
Being around for more than century, Barnum’s company say this change is a result of evolution by driving awareness around key animals and environmental issues. The brand believes this change was necessary, feeling it was the right time for the next design to make the brand relevant for years to come, by showing animals in their natural habitat. But, don’t worry, the re-design still features the familiar red and yellow coloring and “Barnum’s Animals” lettering. Nabisco has been making the iconic Barnum’s Animals Crackers since 1902 and has redesigned their animal crackers box packages after continuous pressure by PETA. The organization has been protesting the use of animals in the circus’ for more than 30 years, eventually getting their wish when Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey closed its doors to the public in 2017, after 146 years of business. Praising their decision, People for the Ethical Treatment Of Animals, celebrated Nabisco’s change by taking credit for the new design. Through a statement, PETA stated the re-design was a result of a discussion with the company, reflecting how our society no longer tolerates chaining and caging exotic animals for circus shows. Their argument was based on comparing animals with humans by saying no living being existed simply to be a spectacle or perform tricks for human beings, yet circus and traveling shows use animals as props. Based in Illinois, Mondelez International, the parent company to Nabisco, passed a statewide ban on circus performances with elephants, that went into effect in January. More than 80 cities in the United States have fully or partially banned wild animals in circuses. It’s no surprise Nabisco decided to make the change after it has done their part to help conserve wildlife in the past. According to CNN, they have redesigned boxes for limited distribution and have offered an endangered special collection, raising money for the World Wildlife Fund for the American Zoo and Aquarium Association. They also collaborated with Lilly Pulitzer to raise money for tiger conservation by designing a pastel-colored box. Honestly, this was a big change for Nabisco, in that they might even get a bigger audience for taking the next step. If you ask me, they can change the box all they want, I'm still not eating those nasty things.
ICYMI, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is demanding the statues of Confederate figures, such as Jefferson Davis, be removed from the U.S. Capitol. Pelosi told a house-senate committee the confederate statues paid homage to hate, not heritage, and they must be removed. The California Democrat made the announcement on the day President Donald Trump vowed that he would not rename military bases honoring Confederate generals. A short time before Pelosi’s statement, NASCAR announced it would ban the display of the Confederate flag at its races. Confederate monuments have re-emerged as a national flashpoint since the death of George Floyd, who died after white Minneapolis Police Officer pressed a knee into his neck for 8 minutes. Several protesters decrying racism and police brutality have targeted Confederate monuments in several cities, and some state officials are considering taking them down. Pelosi is also asking to remove the 11 Capitol statues honoring Confederates but is urging the little notice Joint Committee of the Library to vote to remove them. Senate Republicans also shared jurisdiction. Pelosi stated, “The statues in the Capitol should embody our highest ideals as Americans, expressing who we are and who we aspire to be as a nation. Monuments to men who advocated cruelty and barbarism to achieve such a plainly racist end are a grotesque affront to these ideals.” Several statues of generals and other figures of the Confederacy in the capital locations such as Statuary Hall, which is the original House Chamber, has been offensive to African-American lawmakers for years. Protesters are taking their frustration and anger out on several of these historical statues deemed to undermine the movement, happening all over the world. Just last week, a Statue of Belgian King Leopold II was defaced in Brussels, one can also see the BLM letters tagged on the statue itself. In Bristol, England the statue of Edward Colston was pushed into the river. Colston was a slave trader in the late 17th century who played a role in the development of the city of Bristol. In London, BLM (Black Lives Matter) was written on the Winston Churchill stare Square. As far as in the United States, Christopher Columbus statues have been painted with red during recent protests, gaining a fair share of vandalism in public spaces. In Boston, Columbus statue at Waterfront Park was beheaded and has now been scheduled to be removed by the city of Boston. Louisville Kentucky, the John Breckenridge Castleman monument, a statue of a Confederate soldier, was removed. In Jacksonville, Florida, the city took down a 122-year-old statue and plaque that honored fallen Confederate soldiers. Mayor Lenny Curry announced Confederate monuments citywide will be removed in the following days. In Birmingham, Alabama, demonstrations attempted to remove a 115-year-old monument at Linn Park. The park houses memorials dedicated to veterans and has a statue of Confederate sailor Charles Linn. The University of Alabama and The Board of Trustees, as well as the university’s president, authorized the removal of three plaques on-campus that commemorates the University of Alabama students who served in the Confederate army and members of the student cadet cops involved in defending the campus. In Montgomery, Alabama, demonstrators tore down a statue of Robert E. Lee. In Nashville, Tennessee the statue of Edward Carmack, a former U.S. senator and newspaper owner known for attacking civil rights advocates, was carried away from the city’s Capitol grounds. Protestors had torn the monument down. Crews in old Town Alexandria had removed the bronze statue of Confederate soldiers named “Appomattox” which was erected in 1889 to honor Confederate soldiers. Mobile, Alabama removed the statue of Confederate Adm. Raphael Semmes and took it to a secure location.
Many of you are headed back to the office for the first time in months. I don’t know about you, but most of you are still feeling a little anxious about the pandemic. If you’re in the same boat, it’s time to stop pulling your hair out and take out your stress on some NiceBalls.
This desk scrotum-shaped stress ball is going to be your favorite stress toy. Have five unread emails before you’ve had your first sip of coffee? Destress by squeezing your dangling stress balls. The fidget toy is available on Amazon. I know, your boss might not like your testicle-shaped anti-stress ball, but oh well. Does your boss pay you enough to seek therapy? Probably not. These squeezable nuts and some thoughts and prayers are the budget-friendly way to combat stress in 2020. The NiceBalls are made from hypoallergenic PVC and hypoallergenic oil. So, I guess that means you don’t have to worry about these squishy balls making your hands feel itchy or something? I’m sold. These days we can’t help but be a little moody. Things aren’t “normal” right now. Just hearing your co-worker crunch on a bag of chips might send you over the edge. Feeling annoyed? Just reach your hand underside of your desk for a quick squeeze. Who knows if the desk toy is actually going to help with your stress levels, but it’s a fun gadget. Christmas will be here before you know it, so get your gag gifts and white elephant gifts early. I think your co-workers in your close circle will think the dangling balls are hilarious. Just make sure no one from HR sees them.
As I said before, large crowds all over the world have gathered to protest police brutality and stand with Black Lives Matter. People are standing up for the safety and dignity of black people whether or not its popular in their town. Anti-racist demonstrators are hosting their own protests in small towns and cities. While they may be the only people standing, they're not standing alone. Like
Faith Annabelle Jones, a young girl from Lincoln, Illinois. She’s been protesting ALONE since George Floyd was murdered. She goes out to the same spot EVERYDAY and yell and chant and ignore the obscene bullshit people say to her in passing. BRAVERY. I love this!
Trump went back across the street from the White House to St. John's, wonder what he's holding this time...
Hmmm. Man, some celebrities are tone-deaf when it comes to posting during the George Floyd protests. Like David Guetta took this opportunity to promote a new record...
Father's Day is around the corner, so if you don't know what card to get for your dad how about this one?
Man, I think I know what's behind 2020 now...
This shit needs a happy ending. The saying goes that honesty is the best policy... but what if being honest about your life causes you to lose out on 7 million dollars? A man is asking for advice about whether he should tell his niece to stay in the closet until her grandparents die. And it's not just to spare some elderly homophobes' feelings... it's because she might lose out on a big chunk of change if she comes out. The man specifies that he supports his niece, but isn't sure she should share the news with his parents...
My niece 17-year-old niece recently confided in me that she is a lesbian. I supported her, let her know I'd be there, etc. Usual ally stuff. However, she told me she was going to come out to the whole world this week. I let her know she should absolutely wait for her grandparents (my parents) to pass. My father is incredibly wealthy and has tens of millions of dollars in assets that he will be passing down once he is gone." His dad is a "raging homophobe," he says. "My father is a raging homophobe who has flat out stated any gay individual in our family would be written out of the will. And to make sure the rest of us don't just split more money with said gay relative, they will, instead, have that portion of the inheritance (put aside for that family member) donated to charitable causes. That money will be erased from the inheritance." He says his parents are probably not going to make it much longer anyway. "Since both my father and mother are incredibly poor health, (stage 4 cancer and debilitating dementia respectively) I told my niece she should stay in the closet for a while longer. If she comes out as a lesbian and they find out, she will quite literally lose out on 7 million dollars." His niece was sad, but understood. His wife, on the other hand... "She was a little sad but was also appreciative since that is obviously a life-changing amount of money that will allow her to live luxuriously until she dies. My wife, however, said that I am being an asshole. I am telling this poor girl to hide who she is just to appease old bigots. That is true, I am asking her to appease old bigots. But I feel like her life quality will be much better with 7 million dollars at the cost of 1-2 years in the closet at tops." He specifies that the 7 million dollars number isn't just an estimate. "I have also seen my father's will and know who is getting what, so my niece is definitely going to receive 7 million as long as my father doesn't rewrite or edit his will. Am I wrong for telling my niece to stay in the closet so she can be a millionaire?" The biggest assholes in this scenario are the grandparents. I'm torn. This is honestly an excellent case study for an ethics class. My gut instinct is to say that you should never encourage someone to stay in the closet longer than they want to, but yeesh, that's a life-changing amount of money. I also think telling her is the right thing to do. I would say I’m gay, straight, or bi for a year if it meant that I’d get 7 million! This is critical information that you rightly shared with her! She could still decide to forgo the money and announce it to the world as you’re not forcing her to keep quiet. I hope she can keep quiet for now, as that’s a life changing amount of money. If you have a problem you would like my opinion on, email me at thepeverettphile.blogspot.com.
If you spot it let me know. Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, here's a story from this crazy ass state...
A Florida mother got quite the surprise when she found out her daughter had two studs in her. HA! Sorry. Excuse the poor but technically accurate (and irresistible) phrasing. What I mean is, a Florida mom was surprised to discover that her daughter had her nipples pierced. Why she was surprised is a mystery, though. Her daughter is a Floridian. All Floridian nipples should be considered pierced until proven otherwise. Regardless, the mother took her daughter, Sydney Allen, 20, of Clearwater, Florida, to the doctor for a checkup. Sydney has syringomyelia, which is a rare spinal condition that can cause the build-up of spinal fluid in the spinal cord, so the doctor needed to take some x-rays to see how everything was looking. Once the x-rays came out Sydney’s spine was looking fine, but her nips were looking pierced. That’s because metal shows up in x-rays. Sydney had gotten her nipples pierced back in June 2018. The piercings were a birthday gift from her sister, but a gift that the girls elected to keep a secret because their mother is a bit conservative when it comes to tattoos and piercings. Sydney figured that wouldn’t be difficult because she doesn’t exactly walk around the house topless too often. The x-rays, though, she had not anticipated. As soon as that x-ray came out the jig was up. Sydney’s nipple rings shone brightly and there was no hiding it. She had pierced nips. While Sydney and the doctor laughed, her mother buried what had to be a thousand screams and simply told her daughter that they would discuss the matter later. Frankly, if you raise a kid in Florida and the worst you end up with is nipple piercings consider yourself the parent of the millennium. You live in Clearwater for Xenu’s sake. It’s a victory that your daughter is a Scientology handmaid.
This mom who blamed Walmart's return policy for her financial situation.
Not a whole lot but a mysterious white van parked. Let's get a closer look...
There's somebody inside of it. Maybe I'll check back later to see if it's there still. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...
Top Phive Things Said About What Would Happen When Bars Reopen
5. For the sake of the economy, I'm glad restaurants and bars are reopening, but we normalized drinking alone and you will not take that away from me.
4. I spent months being like "I want to go ouuuuuuuut" and now that bars and restaurants are reopening... turns out I'm a liar.
2. Do you think when bars and pubs reopen bouncers will be like, "Where you been eh night, pal? You been coughing?"
And the number one thing said about what would happen when bars reopen is...
1. I don't know how I feel about the bars opening back up. Drinks are going to be weak compared to what I've been pouring.
An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-liter bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want beer!" The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of beer. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out. Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, "Me want beer!" The bar keeper says, "Whoa there, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here...What was that all about, anyway?" he asked. The Indian explained, "Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind..."
Today's guest is an Australian actress and author who began her career on Australian television. Her book Marge in Charge is the 128th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Isla Fisher.
Me: Hello, Isla, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Isla: Hi, I'm good, thank you for having me.
Me: So, your book Marge In Charge is the 128th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club but there's a whole series, right?
Isla: Yes, there are six books in the series.
Me: So, what's the basic premise of the book?
Isla: It's about an eccentric and mischievous babysitter named Marge. She love these kids who she takes care of, they love her right back. It's about how the whole gang gets along with adventures.
Me: Ahhh, so how did you get the idea for this?
Isla: They began as bedtime stories for my own kids.
Me: So, what is bedtime like at your house?
Isla: It's pretty chaotic, I'm sure it's the same with anyone. Anyone with small children will attest that getting teeth brushed, bath done and homework and get into bed is a bit of a challenge. I think my kids got tired of my Peppa Pig impressions and impressions of their friends parents so Marge was a natural extension and I sort of discovered the voice of the character first and then made them laugh with that. And then ultimately they became short stories and then longer stories then eventually into six books.
Me: So, how did you create her originally?
Isla: She's a combination of two of my best girlfriends, one of them is actually a member of the Royal Family and tells this fantastical stories and the other one os completely bonkers and she's their love child. I feel that Marge in Charge is like an updated Amelia Bedelia with threads of the Cat in the Hat. It's funny to kids because kids are so aware of rules and they are continued to be told rules. When Mummy gives Marge, that's sort of a set up for every story, a list of rules and puts her into a position of authority she breaks all the rules in a silly immature way the kids instantly kind of respond to it and they feel really superior and they find it really funny. Funny and humorous way is great to connect with kids and I'm passionate about children reading and loving books and loving words and just growing up the way we did instead of this modern age with tablets and iPads and computers and TV. So that's my dream to get everybody reading.
Me: So, can you describe Marge?
Isla: She has rainbow hair and likes to make a mess and causes mischief and likes to ignore the very well rules she has been given to her.
Me: So, how much do you have in common with Marge?
Isla: I think I do but being a sensible mummy I have to rein it in so I live precariously through her. But I'm pretty boring for the most part. I have three kids, I'm in survival mode.
Me: Ha. Didn't you publish too books when you were a teenager?
Isla: Yes, when I was 18.
Me: What were those called?
Isla: Seduced By Fame and Bewitched, and I'm on the covers beaming at you.
Me: Ha. Nice. How did you manage to put these books out?
Isla: Well, at the time I was working on a show where I had a lot of downtime. My character was in a coma I think at one point. I was just in the green room and so I started plotting away. My mum, who has always been an inspiration for me and is a fantastic woman, I sort of mentioned it to her and she's written before and she's a wonderful writer. So she sat me down and said she can help me do this. So she sort of taught me how to structure really and how to put a protagonist up a tree and throw rocks at her until it's time for the second act. She explained really how to write and it was just a great experience. I come from a whole family of readers, my grandmother was a quadriplegic, and read all the books. She read all the books in her youth as she was unfortunately broken and my mothers read and continues to read everything and I love to read so for me to continue writing is a part of me of who I am.
Me: What does your mom write, Isla?
Isla: She's a romance novelist.
Me: Have you had any interest writing for adult readers?
Isla: I think I don't have what it takes. I thought about it. As I get older I don't feel like it. Once I hit 40 I felt sober for the first time in my life. I get it, these are my strengths, these are my weaknesses. I love writing and I love being lost in the mind of tiny people and solving their little problems and issues and excitements on a tiny micro level in a family. I'm not one of those writers that want to write fantastic fiction, really science fiction. That doesn't appeal to me. Something about writing for adults really I don't think I got what it takes.
Me: Same here. My novel I have coming out soon is for everyone, kinda like the Harry Potter books. So, Marge has a lot of physical comedy, and you do a lot of that in the movies. Does that help you come up with some of the gags in the book?
Isla: Oh, definitely. I think when I'm writing or thinking about the characters I try to picture what makes them the most entertaining illustration. I do come from a clowning background, I studied at Jacques Lecoq for a few years when I was a young adult.
Me: Who is or what is Jacques Lecoq?
Isla: He was a prolific clown who discovered comedy from a little Italian village and made it known what we know today. I've always been a fan of white mask and bouffant, and for me giving my characters a physical comedy bit I can picture. It's what kids love seeing. I mean from there time they are little children love comedy, whether it's blowing a raspberry on their belly as they learn to speak. Word play or slipping on a banana peel... I'm the happiest in comedy, I'm always in some ways improvising or messing about. It's very addicting to, it's the adrenaline of going for a laugh, not knowing if its going to land or not. When I'm acting the director or the other actors, they start corpsing which is laughing when they are not supposed to during a scene. Or when I write for kids and read the physical idea to kids and they just start laughing, it feels so good.
Me: How early on did you know you could make people laugh?
Isla: I was pretty young. I have a complicated cultural identity. My family traveled a lot, I was born in Oman and kind of raised in Iran and finally settled in Cambridge for a bit in Britain then eventually we moved to Australia, so I was in a different school and I was much considerably shorter than the other children with extra large ears which thankfully I grew into... and red hair. So with the combination I was already a site gag before I opened my mouth and I worked out the more I made people laugh the more they liked me. It'd a quick way when I was a new kid in school, it's a quick way to make friends and I was always drawn to humour. My father was funny and Scottish and comedy was very much valued in our house at the dinner table. If we got a laugh we felt we earned it. I have three brothers, my mother remarried and married again so I was always surrounded by step-brothers, brothers and brothers friends and mother would take in exchange students, so there was always a great audience in the house. And when I was fighting for attention, in front of a big gang and I wanted my parents attention it's a quick way to get it too, with a laugh.
Me: You mentioned you went to clown school. I thought of doing that when I was a teenager. I did wear clown make-up once at Circus World, here in Orlando. I have to show a pic of that at the end of this interview. What was that like?
Isla: In the beginning it was really a challenge. My French wasn't great, it's entirely in French. I've come from a TV background, I started acting when I was eleven, and I wasn't in school until I was 21 so I've just been acting from the neck up, I was very expressive with my eyes, nothing else. And at clown school working out how to find a presence on stage, how to use tension, all the skills I'd get if I went to a drama school that I hadn't learned yet. I think clown school was great for me, equally it was very challenging and there were some things I wasn't very good at. The most important thing I think I learned from clown school was what makes me feel the most self-confidence or the thing that makes me different from somebody else. The thing that will draw an audience to me is the thing I needed to capitalize on so I went from always feeling ashamed about feeling short and wearing high heels to try to fit in. I did it in Wedding Crashers, Vince Vaughn I don't know, is 6'5, he's the tallest man, like a giant tree. I found a way to swing around him and to use our physical size difference to make people laugh, and that's what I really appreciated about clown school. I work out the thing that I do that makes people laugh and really exaggerate it instead of trying to fit in with what everyone else was doing.
Me: Did you have a favorite class at clown school?
Isla: Yeah, it's very simple, we did a lot of animal work. I was once cast as a dog and it involved a puppy actually and I remember that being a really fun day. I just wondered around and humped people and mimed peeing on people. It sounds awful, and would've been but at the time it was just pure play.
Me: So, in Confessions of a Shopaholic I read that you do this crazy dance. I have a screen shot of it here...
Me: What can you say about it?
Isla: Actually I knew I could do a funny dance so I said to the director when you're doing a comedy you just want to show all your cards. I said, "I think this could work for this character." In comedy a lot of improv is utter rubbish, it feels funny at the time bit it doesn't work or it's at the cost of the people in the scene or it's at the cost of something. He was just open to me doing that stuff and that was so much fun. I love physical comedy, I'm completely happy being a female Mrs. Bean. LOL.
Me: Have you ever got injured?
Isla: No, I haven't really. It's just sort of unconscious, flinging myself about like a small ginger Muppet.
Me: I'm a big fan of your husband, Isla, who is Sacha Baron Cohen. With both of you being talented and really funny, what's it like being married to each other?
Isla: When we have three kids it's just trying to keep it as light and as fun as possible. He's very funny, he's definitely there funniest person I know. He cracks me up.
Me: How much do your kids know about the characters you two play?
Isla: We've kept it a secret. I'm definitely dreading the moment when they know about some of the scenes in Wedding Crashers for example. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Me: So, with all the shit that's going on in the world and this country, why do you think comedy is so important?
Isla: Comedy is just a wonderful way to stay light about everything and not be overwhelmed by what's going on around the world and everywhere at all times.
Me: Isla, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Tell Sacha he needs to be on the Phile as well sometime. Take care.
Isla: Thanks for having me, I really appreciate it, and we'll see about Sacha. LOL.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Isla for a great interview. I like her and I hope she comes back on again. By the way, here's the pic of me as a clown when I was a kid...
Cute, right? Hahaha. The Phile will be back tomorrow with voice-over actor Bill Farmer. Spread the word, not the turd... or the virus or hatred. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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