Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? El Salvador has cancelled all rent, water, phone, Internet, electricity bills for three months and they're building a hospital IN CASE of a major outbreak. A third world country did that. I miss the days when we were terrified of romaine lettuce. I used to spin that toilet paper roll like I was on "The Wheel of Fortune," now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
A tiger has tested positive for coronavirus and while scientists make sense of this new development, all of the Internet is making Joe Exotic jokes. First, the facts: the big cat in question lives at the Bronx Zoo and is named Nadia, according to Sky News. Four to six other lions and tigers at the same zoo are also showing symptoms, based on differing reports. The USDA believes this is the first known coronavirus infection in any big cat in the world, according to NatGeo reporter Natasha Daly. She adds that "a couple dogs and a cat tested positive in Hong Kong" as did "a domestic cat in Belgium," but it seems no domestic animals in the U.S. have been infected. It is believed that an asymptomatic zookeeper may have passed the virus on, Daly reports. The tiger did not take a test away from a human, she added, as the testing procedures are different. Also, it's unknown if animals can pass the disease back to humans, but currently that's believed to be unlikely, NatGeo says. How weird is it that tigers are the first zoo animals to be diagnosed in the U.S., amid mass "Tiger King"-induced hysteria? Tigers have now joined pro athletes as beings most likely to receive a COVID-19 test. Along with rich people in general. But just so everyone knows, the animals likely didn't take the tests away from humans. It's funny to imagine them getting human-style tests, though. No one really understands why this keeps happening. Despite tigers' current popularity, it's important to maintain social distance from them. All human-tiger contact sports will need to be put on hold. Jokes aside, these are scary times... but thankfully it seems animals can't pass the virus back to humans. Stay safe, stay home, pray for Nadia.
Now you have done it, 2020! I am so over this year and we are barely four months in. To add a little bit more salt to your wounds, unfortunately, I am here to let you know that due to Americans thinking Corona beer has something to do with the coronavirus, the company has decided to stop production. Kidding, although it might have a little bit to do with that, according to Group Modelo, the Corona beer is temporarily being suspended in Mexico because of the corona pandemic itself. Through Twitter, they announced that they are halting production and marking of its beer because the Mexican government has shut down all non-essential businesses. The Anheuser-Busch Inbev owned company is also the maker of Modelo and Pacifico beers. The Mexican government announced the suspension of non-essential activities in the private and public sector until April 30th, in an effort to curb and spread the virus. According to Johns Hopkins, Mexico is said to have more than 1,500 coronavirus cases and 50 deaths. But, fear not Corona lovers, Group Modelo is said to have an exact plan to “guarantee the supply of beer” if the Mexican government does decide to include brewers as essential. Which I mean, between you and me, we all know beer is essential, right? As far as in the United States, Constellation Brands handles the distribution and import of Grupo Modelo. The company is said to discuss the production later this week. Corona’s coincidental name with COVID-19 hasn’t declined sales, despite people thinking the name is freaking everyone out. Constellation stated the sales of the beer brand grew 8.9 percent for the first three months in 2020, with Corona and Modelo being its top sellers. Corona Hard Seltzer, which launched in early March, is also said to be on a “strong start.” Alcohol and beer sales are also rising this month as Americans are now being forced to stay at home in light of the coronavirus. According to Nielsen sales numbers show beer sales rose 34 percent year over year for the week ending on March 21st.
Well, well, the tables have turned. An Oregon lawyer will now need one of his lawyer friends to help him clear his name. Thirty-eight-year-old Dylan T. Vinzant was arrested following a wide foot chase with police officers after he skipped out on paying for a lap dance at a strip club. What a shame man, this could have easily been avoided, Dylan. Let’s face it, you have probably spent 200 dollars on worse things. According to the Washington County Sheriff’s Office, Vinzant ran through bushes and a train tunnel after attempting to make his big escape from the Sunset Strip Gentlemen’s Club. Sgt. Danny DiPietro stated the man basically refused to pay for his 15-minute lap dance and his strip club tab, and ducked the club’s bouncers, hiding from the cops outside. After his getaway attempted, he jumped over a nearby fence, landing on a blackberry bush. Dipietro noted, “at the end of the dance, he decided he wasn’t going to pay. He told the dancer, ‘I’m not going to pay you’ and took off.`” The nerve on this man for telling her that, geesh. That’s when he made his way to the train tracks running into the dark tunnel, where yes, deputies were waiting for him on the other side. Womp, womp, womp. You snooze, you lose buddy! You pay that stripper those 200 dollars because she worked damn hard for it, and you know it! Officers also noted that when Vinzant was getting arrested, he kept shouting that he was a lawyer, attempting to stop the arrest. Which I mean, we all know it’s useless. This probably made police officers even more annoyed, giving them extra fuel. So, after looking up the Oregon State Bar website, officers confirmed he was indeed a lawyer. But, they ultimately didn’t care. He was booked on charges of suspicion and theft of trespassing. This is so dumb, honestly, just pay dude. If you know you’re going to a strip club, you know you are going to need extra cash (or a credit card) if you want a private room. You also knew the price you had to pay the woman before you agreed to the private lap dance. You’re not special, even thought a lawyer. Not today, Dylan. Here’s to hoping the Oregon State Bar doesn’t suspend your license for being a douche. Also, I would have never guessed this happened in Oregon, it seems so… Florida.
There isn’t really a clear marker for when a boy becomes a man. First beer? First pube? When he kills his first drifter I mean deer? For women that moment is a bit more obvious. It’s not the end all be all, of course. We’re constantly evolving and a 12-year-old girl is far from a functioning adult woman. But a first period is a pretty solid waymarker. That might explain why more and more moms are into the idea of throwing their daughters a “period party” to celebrate the significant life event. According to a poll of 2,000 moms commissioned by the Swedish women’s health brand Intimina and conducted by OnePoll, two-thirds of them want to throw a party celebrating their daughters’ first periods, whenever that day should come. And that despite most of them not having ever heard of this secular, surprise Bat mitzvah. They thought it was a rad idea. And you know what? It is! I’d throw this for a daughter if they and their mom wanted it. It’s probably cheaper than a sweet sixteen, too. I’d probably mostly just be grilling and drinking and talking about things other than my daughter’s maturation but I’d be there and make the necessary Costco runs. Not that long ago periods were still treated like monthly Chernobyl meltdowns but it’s good that we’re over that. It’s fine. It’s natural. It’s nothing to be aghast at or disgusted by. It’s still not… not a little gross but this is the human body we’re talking about. What part of it isn’t a little gross? The elbow? An old man living in a dry, cold climate without lotion begs to differ. Reasons the moms cited for being interested in throwing their daughters period parties included female empowerment and encouraging body positivity. Plus who doesn’t want to throw a party? Might be a slightly awkward invite to hand out at school if your kid is surrounded by nerds but other than that the downsides seem minimal. Have fun, moms and daughters! As long as it doesn’t embarrass the hell out of the daughter.
Listen, no one, and I mean NO ONE, likes KFC as much as this beautiful couple! An Australian couple has broken the record and became the first couple in the world to have an official KFC-themed wedding! Okay maybe not the first in the world, but definitely the first in Australia. Because well, why not? If you love fried chicken so much, why not celebrate it with your friends and family? Kate and Harrison Cann from Toowoomba, Queensland not only surprised all of their 150 guests with yummy chicken, but their whole wedding decor was dedicated to the fast-food chain as well. Yes, it was as if Kentucky threw up in there. Why? Well, the newlyweds were the winners of the first-ever KFC official wedding service, KFCproposal, that was announced in September 2019. They had everything from finger-lickin’ good cake to KFC buckets, photo booths, a Colonel-style singer and a KFC food truck for hungry guests. Because we all know that it isn’t a wedding without a good ol’ food truck. Looking at you, Waffle House! What made the event even more special is that the couple’s friends and family didn’t even know it was their wedding! They were basically blindsided and told it was just a regular chicken party. The couple explained to KFC that they had their first date at the restaurant in 2017. Harrison then proposed to Kate at Australian landmark Uluru two years later. So basically, it was natural for them to celebrate their big day with the chain. The newlyweds were the first of six Australian couples to win a KFC themed wedding, so we can expect more fun pictures soon. The lucky couple was selected, despite there being more than 2,00 entries, after creating their own version of the popular TV show “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” theme song about their love for each other and of course, KFC. As far as how they felt about the whole experience, the newlyweds stated, “We’re over the moon to have been selected for the first-ever KFC Wedding and having the Colonel present on our big day took us back to the first meal we shared together – KFC! Our friends and family were stunned when they arrived to find out it was actually our wedding day... and not just any wedding but a KFC wedding!” KFC did provide funds for the reception for the dream wedding, but the couple was required to pay for the venues, alcohol, and transportation. But fret not, all those Pepsi’s were also covered by KFC, so it’s a win-win. Congrats to the happy couple! I'd be getting KFC today if I could go to fast food restaurants. Damn you, COVID-19.
Instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...
I have this CD somewhere... I need to find it. It's good to wear a face mask and gloves when you go out to the store but some people are taking it a little bit too far...
Is that Murray Langston? Probably only about 3 readers probably know who that is. Haha. People are using there coronavirus as pickup lines like this one...
So, when I saw this pic it reminded me of something...
Then it hit me...
Haha. You know, "The Simpsons" are good at predicting the future. In 1993, season 4, episode 21 of the show this happened...
If that's the case then this might become true...
I think Trump has the coronavirus, people. Here's why...
Hahaha. If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up at trench warfare.
WWI trench warfare was a total nightmare. To put it in perspective, the Battle of Verdun during WWI was one of the most costly battles in human history, the death toll almost reaching one million in that battle alone. There was a ridge next to Verdun that was so heavily shelled by artillery that an estimated 10 shells fell on every square centimeter in certain places. The ridge was hacked and ploughed by a total of 32 million shells, turning the ground into a hellish mixture of tossed mud and rotting human remains. Corpses left in the open turned to mush and were mixed into the soil the rest of the men huddled in. This went on for 10 months and at the end of the battle both armies stood a hundred yards from where they had started. I'd be dead. Hey, future kids, this is Axl Rose and Slash...
So, this was March...
Versus April...
Haha. I was thinking of getting a tattoo but someone had the same idea I had...
This will make you laugh... a doggy donut...
Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...
Top Phive Things That Everyone Is Talking About On The Internet
5. Coronavirus
4. Wash your hands
3. I spy something on your camera roll
2. That bitch Carole Baskin
And the number one thing that everyone is talking about on the Internet is...
1. Animal Crossing
This is a tricky one... if you spot the Mindphuck let me know. As coronavirus continues to spread... and panic spreads even more... one dad wanted to take drastic measures to ensure his daughter washes her hands. He orchestrated a fake doll death. Yes, this dad told his five-year-old daughter that her doll had died of coronavirus in a bid to increase her hand-washing. Now his wife's mad at him, his daughter's possibly traumatized, and he's wondering if he went too far.
"Am I an ass for telling my daughter one of her dolls died in an effort to get her to wash her hands more often?" he wrote. The dad is concerned because coronavirus cases are up in his area. "There's been a handful of COVID-19 cases in my area and there seems to be very little government effort to slow down the spread." His five-year-old daughter can't seem to get the memo on hand-washing, so he threw the doll in the garbage. "I've been encouraging my kids to wash their hands frequently but my 5-tear-old daughter isn't washing her hands enough. I came up with the idea to throw out one of her dolls and tell her it died of the coronavirus." No one is happy. "She's pretty upset and my wife said it was a stupid thing to do. I just want to limit the chances of us all catching the disease, especially since I work in a care home." Staging a doll death probably wasn't necessary. "Yes. It’s stupid," Instead, maybe buy her a scented hand sanitizer, or go on a special outing to get fancy soap. NEVER LIE TO YOUR KIDS. Bending the truth is okay, but not lying. I'm rubbing my temples. You threw away a toy... and said it died of doronavirus... to scare your kid into washing her hands more? Um. Gotta agree with your wife there. You're an asshole. How hard is it to teach your kid about hand- washing? It’s so cruel to take away something a five-year-old is probably EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO instead of just explaining hand-washing to them normally like a decent parent. The doll could've been added to the lesson in a much less traumatic way. Hell, if the doll was plastic then you could even have made a little game of having the daughter help the doll wash her hands too! There are so many ways to make hand washing fun for a kid that I'm astounded you went for like... the exact opposite. There are other ways to encourage hand-washing or using sanitizer that don't also involve needlessly terrifying/traumatizing your child. COVID-19 is scary, but people also need to keep their heads cool, you don't want to frighten your kid so badly you create a germaphobe who's terrified to interact with the world at all. Parents frequently don't apologize to their kids when they're the ones in the wrong, but expect their children to know how to do it. Let your daughter know what you did wrong and why it was wrong, and that you are truly sorry for the hurt you caused her. This models a genuine apology, allowing your daughter to see the process at work. Tell her what you did was wrong. She is five. Even if she pretends her toys are alive she likely knows that they aren't. She knows you threw it away. Consider if she does believe the toy is alive and died. You just told her she killed somebody she loves because she didn't follow directions. That is something that will likely follow her for her entire life. Whatever happens, let's hope this kid gets her doll back healthier than ever.
Dishes
Food laundry
Tom Dempsey
January 12th, 1947 — April 4th, 2020
Even I have to tip my hat to an NFL placekicker born without toes.
The 119th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
George Takei will be on the Phile on Wednesday. Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? Once again there's some strange stuff that happens only in this bloody state.
A Florida woman and martial arts black belt was arrested after she went to town on her boyfriend’s nose because he wouldn’t go to town on her. Thirty-eight-year-old LaDonald Shakkie Holmes roundhouse kicked her boyfriend in the nose, then punched him in the nose, because he refused to have sex with her. His reason? That he was pretty sure she was going to get back with her ex-husband so what was the point of one more romp in the hay anyway. The point was, apparently, that getting some and having an intact nose is preferable to the inverse. Holmes’ boyfriend, of course, immediately left the house and called the cops, who showed up to arrest Holmes. When the police arrived Holmes was uncooperative and fell several times while they were attempting to take her in. As a precaution, the police called an ambulance in case Holmes was having a medical episode. Holmes continued to resist and was sedated as a result. While the paramedics were trying to get her into the ambulance Holmes screamed, “I have the coronavirus,” and then coughed a real sloppy, spit filled cough into the paramedic’s face. It was unclear whether or not Holmes actually had the coronavirus, but it feels like a no. Holmes now faces charges of domestic battery and battery on a paramedic. She was arrested and later released from jail after posting her $7,000 bond. She’s also, presumably, now single. Still, her sensei may be proud nonetheless. Yes, it’s true, martial arts are only supposed to be used for self-defense, not to violently punish your boyfriend for not wanting to have sex with you. That said, Holmes did successfully follow the martial arts mantra that every part of your body can be used as a weapon. She used her feet, her hands, and even her saliva. She is a true black belt master.
Phact 1. Finnish babies sleep in cardboard boxes. The government offers expectant mothers a maternity starter kit or a cash grant. Ninety-five percent opt for the kit which includes a cardboard box that doubles as a crib. It has helped Finland achieve one of the world’s lowest infant mortality rates.
Phact 2. Gandhi admitted in his autobiography to hitting his wife when he was young, and indulging in carnal pleasures out of lust, jealousy and possessiveness, not genuine love. He slept with two naked 18-year-old girls at night to test his willpower, when he was old. He, holding fast to his principles, refused to let the people in his area inoculate their children against small pox, due to the role cattle played in creating the vaccine. Many children died. Gandhi refused to let doctors administer penicillin to his wife, which led to her death, yet accepted quinine to save his life.
Phact 3. Only 8% of the world’s currency is physical money, the rest only exists on computers.
Phact 4. Avocados, pumpkins, watermelons, and bananas are all berries while strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries are not.
Phact 5. MMA was an event at the ancient Olympics. It is called Pankration and is the only event that wasn’t reinstated with the creation of the modern Olympics.
As a Simpsons fan I'm so excited for this. Today's guest is mostly known for her long-running role as Lisa Simpson on the animated television series "The Simpsons" which you can watch on Disney+. Please welcome to the Phile... Yeardley Smith!
Me: Hello, Yeardley, welcome to the Phile. I am so glad you are here on the Phile! How are you?
Yeardley: Hi, Jason, I'm glad to be here.
Me: Okay, before we talk about "The Simpsons" I have to ask you about your podcast "Small Town Dicks." How did this come about?
Yeardley: The podcast came about when Zibby Allen and I were sitting around with our friends detectives Dan and Dave and listening to their day to day and being absolutely enthralled and stunned that their Tuesday is so much more harrowing and extraordinary than my every day.
Me: So, what is the podcast about?
Yeardley: One day we thought you know what, this should be a podcast but what we really wanted was we didn't want them to tell us the stories and us to regurgitate them to the listener, we really wanted the listeners to hear it first hand the way Zibby and I hear it. So the premise of the podcast is that all of the cases are told by the detectives who investigated them and Zibby and I are the audience and we ask the questions that the listeners would if they had a seat at the table.
Me: Why is it small town dicks?
Yeardley: I think there's this misconception of Dan and Dave, who can conform this as well, sometimes if someone goes to a big city and someone says, "What do you do?" And they go, "I'm a detective in a small town." "What do you do, rescue cats in trees and stuff?" Part from being incredibly insulting it's completely untrue and what is actually true is that big time crime is actually happening in small town U.S.A. and all over the world I'm sure. With the exact same disregard for human life ad depravity and horror as it is in big city's, perhaps with less frequency. On top of that police agencies in these small towns because they don't have nearly the staff that they would have in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Orlando, any big city, they often wear multiple hats. So someone is a detective in major crimes and that detective pool is nine people but their also on the SWAT team. And they sometimes assist their colleague going to a drug buy even though that's not necessary their department. So there's a lot of triage per say in terms of responsibility. A lot of cross pollination and it's fascinating and how are they able to solve those crimes where they just have many fewer resources.
Me: You dad was a reporter that worked for The Washington Post, I know he since passed but do you feel a connection with him working on this?
Yeardley: No. It's funny, my father being a news man, of course we never talked about the news at the dinner table. Never and not ever and sort of that one of those things. When I was 10-years-old The Washington Post made him an editor of obituaries. And they wanted to make the obituaries a thing instead of just an afterthought. My father was a history major at Harvard and what he loved was the long lead of the obituaries. Like when he would write about famous people, where their loves were already documented in the news throughout history so he had to write them in advance because we can't have a former President drop dead and have to start from scratch. They sort of keep these files updated, he really loved that.
Me: That's weird, right?
Yeardley: Yeah, it's a little gory but necessary.
Me: So you don't feel like you're following his footsteps in journalism?
Yeardley: Oh, heavens, no. That seems wildly presumptuous, how very kind. LOL. But you know, it does connect me a little bit to Lisa Simpson.
Me: Why is that?
Yeardley: Because Lisa Simpson is such a good kid and such a rule follower and I was such a rule follower and part of my fascination with trie crime is who are these people who have no regard for the basic tenants of order. We need an order for society to function. So it starts in school and they're willing to play hooky, oh my God, I never played hooky. Who are these people willing to break the rules and don't care what the consequences are. Then it it evolves and gets worse and worse their shop lifting and oh my God, God forbid they graduate to murder. Who are these people willing to create chaos in that way? I'm fascinated by it because I completely don't understand it.
Me: Okay, now that you have brought up Lisa... I'm a big Simpsons fan and has been on the air for 30 plus seasons now and now on Disney+. Do you remember when you found out you got the job?
Yeardley: I do. And if you recall "The Simpsons" did two seasons on "The Tracey Ullman Show," we did what we call bumpers, we told a whole story in a minute. Before we did a commercial break there would be this 20 second bit of the Simpsons, with very crude animation and I think there'd be three of those. And then in that one minute we would do this one little vignette. And so at the time I got "The Simpsons" the woman who ended up casting "The Simpsons" has seen me in a play the year before in a tiny shitty little theater in Los Angeles where literally like 17 people saw this play. But thank God she was one of them then a year later she said, "I knew who should play Lisa Simpson." Still I was brought in to read, and I was brought in to read for Bart. But obviously I sound too much like a girl and it was a non-starter right from the get. They said she has a sister and she's 8 and I knew people said, "Oh, my God, you sound like a kid." I was like all right, if I sound like I'm 10 then I could sound like I'm 8, and raise my voice a little bit. But at the time I didn't have a voice-over agent and voice-over wasn't in my plans. It wasn't part of my plan for world domination. I didn't have any eyes on that rise. Then I remember I was brought in again to read for Matt Groening, I got a call back, I read for him, he didn't laugh, so that didn't go very well. That was way back in 1986 I think. So we didn't have cellphones or anything. So a couple of days later, I don't know, I got the message, my agent called and said, "Yeardley, you got the job." I was like, "Great, the job is what?! We're doing what? Bumpers on who, what? All right, whatever!" Luckily I'm a pretty willing soul, just tell me where to show up.
Me: Did you ever think "The Simpsons" would end up what it is today?
Yeardley: There's no way. There was no way we would know it'll be a cultural force phenomenon that impacted every tiny bit of comedy made since.
Me: Not even after the pilot episode which was the Christmas episode? You didn't think this thing would become pretty big?
Yeardley: I do remember when we transitioned to a half hour, yes, the first episode to air was "The Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire" in December '89. It was so big, we hit so big with those first 13 episodes which was the entire first season. The first season wasn't actually a whole 22 episode season. I think everybody was floored because the scuttlebutt behind the scenes was that Fox was out of their minds, they're putting a cartoon on at prime time, it hasn't been done since "The Flintstones," they are crazy but live and be well because their won't be a network where it'll be on. They won't even be a network in two years, because they can't compete with the Big 3. So when we hot so big everyone was like, "OH MY GOD!" It was such a surprise but even so they were saying a network can't survive on one show, so screw you. We just kept going, and gathering steam, and winning awards. I think I read once that the average life of a sitcom is two years so when we hit five it was like hot damn, we can go into syndication! Then we hit 10 and we thought, okay, wow, really? Then it was 20 and we'd joke, "Oh my God, we're half way through!" Now we're at season 31 and I actually been listening to Mike Reiss' book in the car called Simpsons Confidential and one of the questions he addressed was "how come the show isn't as good as it used to be?" He actually had a really good answer, he said, "Television shows are like people, when they start out their young and fresh and there's tons of energy and it's brand new and everybody loves them. 'The Simpsons' is roughly 700 years old now, in people years. You're lucky that person is still standing." So meanwhile he does emphasize that no less effort and energy and passion goes into making an episode today than it did in season 1.
Me: I read Mike Reiss' book and have been trying to get him on the Phile. I love that book. I want it to be on the Phile's Book Club.
Yeardley: I'll get him to contact you, Jason. It will be the next book in the club.
Me: Wow! Thank you. So, just now you said being Lisa Simpson wasn't part of "our world domination." Did you really have a plan?
Yeardley: Yes. I did. Well, it wasn't much of a plan, it was more of a picture in my head of what it would look like. I formed this picture when I was about 7-years-old and I decided I knew I wanted to be an actor. In a funny way it felt where I belonged, I felt safe there. One of things I thought when I started to coalesce when I got older I realized that what I liked best about being an actor in a story I always know how it ends and even though the ending is bad I can actually prepare myself with what's coming. It's a little bit like seeing into the future. And also being on stage and playing a role I have permission to do things that a really very shy pretty private person I would never do in my real life. So my plan for world domination was to be the most successful actor in the entire world, to be an EGOT at a very young age. To win all the awards. And what I knew was as I got older the point of being famous, the real point, the real benefit of it was it gives currency. That meant I would have the pick of the roles that were the best, that I really wanted to play. So that is the true value of being well known.
Me: So, you do the voice of one of the most popular characters on TV in the last three decades, do you get recognized? I think you might.
Yeardley: Yes, yes. I think that definitely when I had that picture in my head that formed when I was 7-years-old it was definitely 1940s glamour movie star ethos. There was noting covert about it. It was way out there. And I think in some ways I have the best of both worlds because paparazzi is obviously not waiting at the bottom of my driveway to see where I go to the supermarket, to see how many vegetable I bought and all that stuff.
Me: Was there a time when you thought you wouldn't get recognized and did that bother you?
Yeardley: There was a time I think where I was much more bothered by it and I craved that kind of recognition more than I do now. Now I would like to say I would just like the time and passion and effort and I think I did pretty good work for most part even though I have been in some pretty bad movies. I would like that to actually count for some things so I have access to some really great roles but show business is a very fickle business and I think it's the only business where I could literally only been in it for ever, I been in it for 38 years and I literally still have to go in and read for two pages for a part in a film that has 8 lines, anybody that is fluent with the English language could actually do. It's just weird to me. It doesn't make any sense. It is the way it is. I don't have any problem reading for parts ever, I really don't, but at least make it one of the best roles in the whole thing. Don't make it where anybody can say it if after I've been in it for so long. That was really ramblely, I'm sorry.
Me: It's good. A lot of animated films get really big named actors for the roles, but kinda ignores the people who do voice-overs for a living, and have been doing it for a long time. Does this bother you at all?
Yeardley: It does but I would never say these people aren't qualified to do it. What I take exemption to is people who are like, "Oh my God, I'm doing this voice-over in a film, it's not usually what I do and I'm sort of slumming it." The idea that voice-over is some sort of second tier level of acting is the only thing that really offends me. And look, I've actually been lucky to be an actor in all mediums, but we actually have couple of people on our show, like Tress MacNeille who is a brilliant voice actress and she's been in every single cartoon you've ever seen.
Me: She plays Skinner's mom, right?
Yeardley: Yeah, she's Skinner's mom, the Crazy Cat lady, Shauna the Bully's girlfriend. She's also been in "Animaniacs" and "Futurema," no kidding, you name it, she's been in it. But Tress will never do any of those big films because she's not enough of a name. I'm not even enough of a celebrity to be cast...
Me: You're Lisa fucking Simpson!
Yeardley: Jason, I'm not kidding you, they want people who are so, so famous, super famous like Cameron Diaz. There's kind of this unspoken hierarchy in show business which is interesting and there's a lot of glass ceilings I have to poke my head through.
Me: So, I have a couple of Simpsons-y questions I want to ask you... I love the episode where Lisa became a vegetarian and Paul and Linda McCartney were on the show. Paul, by the way, was on the Phile a few years ago, Anyway... I read that Paul would only do the show if Lisa stayed a vegetarian the entire series. Is that true?
Yeardley: That's true.
Me: Do you remember working on that episode with Paul McCartney?
Yeardley: I didn't get to go, are you kidding me? Noooo!!! What? David Mirkin who was the show runner at the time flew to England and I believe his farm is still in Surrey but Paul had a recording studio of course so David one there and Paul did his lines with David Mirkin. I was never invited, which I find bullshit! That's cool you interviewed Paul though, Jason.
Me: And Ringo. Haha. Have you worked with any of the big stars on the show?
Yeardley: Yeah, Lady Gaga came into the studio with us and I stood right next to her and that was pretty extraordinary. I remember Elizabeth Taylor coming into the studio way back in the day when Maggie's first word was "daddy." I'm sorry I missed Meryl Steep, I didn't get to record with her. I do wish I got to meet Aerosmith, Hank was flown to Boston to record with them. But I was flown to New York way back, I think it was season 3 or 4 to record with Dustin Hoffman, who was Lisa's substitute. What a wonderful story.
Me: When the show is over what do you think your greatest memory will be?
Yeardley: I think for me it's less of what is my favorite episode but more about a much bigger takeaway. And really what "The Simpsons" has given me is a freedom of choice. It has provided me a canvas that is rich with so many opportunities. For me to have the ability to say yes or no to whoever I want because my mortgage doesn't depend on it is a gift that I can't put a price on. I'm going to cry. I am so grateful to have spent so much time in the mind of a character that I love and truly feel is one of the best female characters ever created across any medium. And for me to be 33 and a third percent of the creation of that little being is the greatest gift of all time.
Me: Now you're gonna make me bloody cry!!! I have been watching it on Disney+ even though I have the first five seasons on DVD and I still love the show. Thanks foe being here on the Phile, Yeardley. Please come back again.
Yeardley: Thank you, Jason, and you will be interviewing Mike Reiss soon.
Me: I can't wait! Thank you! Stay well.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. That was so good. Thanks to my guest Yeardley Smith. The Phile will be back tomorrow with actress Geena Davis. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Lather up.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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