Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Friday. Another long week of Phile entries. Man, have we tried giving 2020 a Snickers? So, people have been talking about the word "quarantine." Actually, it's only quarantine if it comes from the Quarantine region of France... otherwise its just sparkling isolation. I never thought I would see the day when weed was easier to get than toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Not that I'm looking for weed... I haven't smoked it since summer of '96. Really.
It looks like the first stimulus check we have received just wasn’t enough. With the coronavirus pandemic still going strong, we have seen several families and individuals struggling to pay rent, buy groceries, and just buying everyday essentials. Which is why co-sponsors U.S. Rep. Tim Ryan and Rep. Ro Khanna are now proposing Americans receive a $2,000 check every month. To break it down for you, the Emergency Money For the People Act proposes to help eligible Americans by receiving $2,000 per month for at least six months and will continue until national employment returns to how it was pre-COVID-19 levels. So, who would be eligible to receive this money? All single Americas who are older than sixteen and are earning less than $130,00 a year. Married couples who make less than $260,000 a year would receive a monthly $4,000 check plus an additional $500 per child, capped off at three children. Luckily, the money would not be considered income and would not be taxed. Through a press release, Representative Khanna stated, “A one-time, twelve-hundred-dollar check isn’t going to cut it. Americans need sustained cash infusions for the duration of this crisis in order to come out on the other side alive, healthy, and ready to get back to work. Members on both sides of the aisle are finally coming together around the idea of sending money out to people. Rep. Ryan and I are urging leadership to include this bill in the fourth COVID relief package to truly support the American working class.” How does this compare to the CARES Act? Well, this proposal includes more Americans. Unlike the first round of stimulus checks, several eligible college students and adults with disabilities still get a check even if they are claimed as a dependent. Even if people who had no earnings, were unemployed or are currently unemployed would be eligible. If you are not eligible based on your 2018 or 2019 tax information but would be eligible based on your 2020 information, you could also submit two consecutive months of paycheck to verify your eligibility based on your income. The legislation would make it easier for people to get that money, including expanded methods of payment such as paper check, apps like PayPal, Zelle, Venmo, or direct deposit. So far, the proposal has 17 Democrats for it but no Republicans as of yet. The negotiations on the next round of assistance are said to already be underway, but there has yet to be a final decision made. Let’s face it, those $2,000 would be pretty sweet and could help out so much.
Police in Taneytown, Maryland have found themselves with a coronavirus-related problem that was not necessarily a side-effect of stay at home orders that anyone was expecting, but also one that will surprise absolutely no one. People are walking across their lawns to their mailboxes half-dressed. Often without pants on, it would seem. And the Taneytown Police Department would very much like them to stop. They said as much on their Facebook page. This is, again, completely unsurprising. Are normal clothes even a thing anymore? Buy ALL the Nike stock because athleisure is about to basically encompass everything from pajamas to black tie functions once this is all over. Of course with everyone cooped up in their homes no one is fully dressed. And, after a few days of being away from civilization, you start to forget how you even were supposed to behave in said civilization. Think about it. How many days would it take you, if you were stranded alone on a desert island... and you were 100% certain absolutely no one else was there... before you started masturbating literally wherever you pleased? You’d be stroking on the beach five times a day by the end of your first week! Hermit crabs and driftwood would be soaked in your DNA. It’s only natural, then, that people are walking out onto their lawns in their boxers and panties. So, probably, once or twice while doing so, someone’s tip popped out of that little unclosable fly on their boxers, or someone maybe forgot they were wearing mostly see-through lacy panties, and some neighbor, possibly a teenager, got a full look at the goods. There’s a decent chance the show lasted for several minutes as the person lazily sorted through the junk mail right there next to the mailbox, no gust of wind to remind them how free they were really flying. But we are still, for now, part of a civilization and, as such, we have to behave accordingly. We can all wander around naked in front of each other after the grocery stores run out of rice and beans, but for now let’s act like we were born in hospitals, not caves.
A Michigan man who bought a pair of fake teeth for some COVID isolation entertainment ended up getting viral gold out of them after his tiny little dog picked up the normal, adult human-sized teeth and turned into what looks like Teddy Roosevelt and a Yorkie had a baby. Take look at this...
Ben Campbell found his dog, a Yorkshire Terrier named Thomas, with the teeth in his mouth after he’d stolen them off the table and, of course, immediately grabbed his phone. Lucky for us he uploaded his goofy dog to YouTube. Dogs are the best. Those teeth have got to be the size of that Yorkie’s entire skull. I’m amazed they fit in his mouth at all. If you’ve never seen a Yorkie before, they max out at about eight pounds. They are eagle food. A python wouldn’t even have to unhinge its jaw to swallow one (do not bring a Yorkie to Florida). There are rats on the New York subway bigger than Yorkies. They are adorable, but they have been bred to be as tiny and adorably helpless as possible. I’m not pro-dressing dogs, but I am pro putting fake human body parts on dogs. Teeth, ears, a monster dong sheath that goes over the tail, you name it. One of those Guy Fieri visors would be great too.
They say you get what you deserve. All the bad things you do or say will eventually come back and bite you in the butt. This young punk got exactly what he deserved, all right. A young dummy learned his lesson in a matter of seconds, after foolishly and stupidly threatening an Army Veteran’s wife. Yes, this kid must have been so high to do something so idiotic. After video of the incident came out, the veteran felt the need to describe his actions by posting his version of the story online. The veteran stated he was enjoying a morning with his wife and went to get some coffee. Out of nowhere, the group of guys started harassing them. The man said that he didn’t mind them saying a few insults here and there since they were teenagers. But, what the Vet did not have, was them insulting his wife, saying they were going to kill and rape her. So yeah, these kids saw it coming, and fast. Obviously taking it one step too far, the veteran got out of his truck and literally punched the youngster right through the window of another car. Here's a screen shot...
This man didn’t even care about his hand, he was just protecting his woman and punched the heck out of that car window. Which I will applaud him for. Of course, the video quickly went viral, because honestly, have you ever seen anything like this? The strength this dude must have left me shocked! The veteran, later identified as J. Guidry, released the following statement. "Hey there everyone, I am writing because I am a big guy in this video. I can 100% attest to the events that happened and that the words written before the video are accurate. I am a husband, father, son, friend, veteran, football player and finally a human being. I have never claimed to be a badass or thug or killer, I, however, have been trained all my life to be protective of what is mine. The young men that threatened my wife were serious in their threats and had a pistol on the front seat. From my experience, an overwhelming show of force is the only way to take the wind out of a bully’s sails. I would rather be shot protecting my family and friends and country than cower behind something or hold my tongue. With that said my wife is trained as well and had my six covered and those who know will understand that statement. I am not a bully I’m protective husband. I did have a little scratch from this to answer everyone’s statement and no I didn’t break my wrist lol. All I can say is if you are going to be a bully or a threat make sure you’re prepared to defend your actions. To all the young men and woman out there that haven’t been raised to respect others please learn quickly because not everyone you disrespect will sit quietly. God bless America and all of y’all." I’m with Mr. Guidry, here. These punks were being just that, punks. Don’t mess with someone that’s triple your size, dude. You should know better than that. Thank God there was a window in between both of them because that kid would have been dead! Gone! Finished! Game over and cue the "Mortal Kombat" song. Stop being idiots, guys.
So, yesterday I told you a story about people who are putting sperm on their faces to reduce wrinkles and I mentioned the girl who regularly eats human sperm because she believed she will live longer. I told you I will tell you that story today so here we are...
Some people are so dumb about the coronavirus. Like these people...
Wildlife is returning to Glasgow... nature is healing, kids.
Haha. When Broadway shows reopen some of them will have different names and slightly different plots. Such as this one...
Ha. You know its good to wear gloves and masks when you go out but some people are taking it way too far and extreme.
That's scary. So, I think Trump has the virus or is the virus and here's why...
Hahahahaha. Oh, man. So, one of thing I like to do is look up the word "Foghat" on Twitter and see what people are saying. Recently I saw this tweet...
Haha. So, again this is Match versus April...
Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...
Top Phive Old People's Expressions That Need To Come Back
5. There are more horses' asses in the world than horses.
4. As scared as long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
2. I'll give it to you straight like a pear cider that's made from 100% pears.
And the number one old people's expression that needs to come back is...
1. He couldn't find his ass if all his fingers were flashlights.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, I have to see a live shot of Port Jefferson again...
Looks like some people having a picnic on the grass. They are not six feet away from each other. People! I wonder if I knew any of them. Okay, moving on...
This knob who went around licking doorknobs...
Now for some sad news...
Brian Dennehy
July 9th, 1938 — April 15th, 2020
It is highly unlikely that Callahan Auto is going to recover from this.
President Donald Trump’s name will be printed on the stimulus checks that the IRS will be sending to tens of millions of Americans around the country, an unprecedented move finalized this week. The Treasury Department confirmed the decision in a statement Wednesday. It marks the first time a president’s name has appeared on any IRS payments, whether refund checks or other stimulus checks that have been mailed during past economic crises. Treasury said that the decision to add Trump’s name will not delay issuance of the paper checks, which will be mailed to people who are not set up to receive direct deposit payments from the IRS. “Economic Impact Payment checks are scheduled to go out on time and exactly as planned... there is no delay whatsoever,” Treasury’s statement said. “In fact, we expect the first checks to be in the mail early next week, which is well in advance of when the first checks went out in 2008 and well in advance of initial estimates.” Two administration officials told the Associated Press that “President Donald J. Trump” will appear on the left side in the memo section of the checks. They spoke to the AP on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly about the plans. The Washington Post, which first reported that Trump’s name would appear on the checks, said the name would be below a line that reads, “Economic Impact Payment.” The checks will be mailed to people who do not have information on file with the IRS to allow for direct deposits, many of them low-income individuals. The checks will carry a signature of an official from the Bureau of the Fiscal Service, the Treasury division that prints the checks. The checks are signed by civil servants to ensure government payments are nonpartisan. A president is not an authorized signer for money sent by the U.S. Treasury. Earlier this month, Trump denied wanting to sign the checks when he was asked about published reports stating the opposite. “No. Me sign? No,” Trump said at an April 3rd briefing. “There’s millions of checks. I’m going to sign them? No. It’s a Trump administration initiative. But do I want to sign them? No.” On Wednesday, when he was asked why he wanted his name on the checks, the president said he didn’t know too much about it. “I do understand it’s not delaying anything, and I’m satisfied with that,” he said, adding that he didn’t think it was a big deal. “I’m sure people will be very happy to get a big, fat, beautiful check and my name is on it,” Trump said before cutting off the reporter from asking a follow-up question. The payments are part of the 2.2 trillion dollar rescue package signed into law at the end of last month aimed at combating the economic free-fall caused by shutdown orders in the coronavirus pandemic. A memo obtained last week by the AP from the House Ways and Means Committee said the IRS would make about 60 million payments to Americans through direct deposit in mid-April, likely this week. The IRS has direct deposit information for these individuals from their 2018 or 2019 tax returns. Then, starting the week of May 4th, the memo said, the IRS would begin issuing paper checks to individuals. It said the paper checks would be issued at a rate of about 5 million per week, which means it could take up to 20 weeks to get all the checks out. Anyone who earns up to $75,000 in adjusted gross income and who has a Social Security number will receive a $1,200 payment. That means married couples filing joint returns will receive the full payment, $2,400, if their adjusted gross income is under $150,000. The payment amount steadily declines for those who make more. Those earning more than $99,000, or $198,000 for joint filers, are ineligible. For heads of household with one child, the benefit starts to decline at $112,500 and falls to zero at $146,500. Parents also will receive $500 for each qualifying child.
Okay, you wanna laugh now? Even though that was funny... that meme. And the Top Phive was funny. But here's a funny joke for you...
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The 121st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Mike Reiss will be on the Phile this coming Wednesday.
Today's guest is a Panamanian-American dancer, singer-songwriter, and actress. She is best known for originating the roles of Mimi Marquez in the Broadway musical Rent. Her podcast "The Horror of Dolores Roach" is available where ever you listen to podcasts. Please welcome to the Phile... Daphne Rubin-Vega.
Me: Hey, Daphne, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Daphne: I'm good. How are you, Jason?
Me: I'm doing pretty good. So, you have a podcast called "The Horror of Dolores Roach." What is it about?
Daphne: After 16 years in prison Dolores returns to the neighborhood where she grew up in Washington Heights in Manhattan and very bad things start to happen. It's a story that covers gentrification, race, class pot and spiller alert... cannibalism.
Me: You play Dolores, right?
Daphne: Yeah, I first played Dolores in a one-woman show called Empanada Loca.
Me: So, what does gentrification mean?
Daphne: That you could be in a neighborhood and be recognizable 16 years later like it is for my character in this podcast.
Me: Ahhh. Where are you from, Daphne? Panama, right?
Daphne: I was born in Panama but raised in New York.
Me: Do you ever have these moments where you don't recognize places anymore?
Daphne: Yeah, like everyday. I live in New York and New York and New York is constantly morphing and shapeshifting, I was just watching some old Woody Allen movie or any movie that depicts New York in other times like a Scorsese movie and its mind boggling to see New York again. It's the New York that I grew up in and it constantly changes and I know exactly what that block is but it's not there and I forgot that I remember that wonderful mom and pop shop in the first place, So many bakeries and so many nice places owned by human beings are all gone.
Me: I feel the same way when I go back to the town I grew up in... Port Jefferson. You were in Rent twenty years ago, Daphne, in those 20 years what changed the most about New York do you think?
Daphne: A certain focus on class and the ism around that. That's my opinion, The burgeoning of money kind of the divide of those who have and those who have not. The resistance to look people in the eye. I think its happening a little bit more because we're starting to feel the repercussions of that. It's quite stark and undeniable at this point.
Me: So, I didn't listen to the whole podcast, just a portion as it's a horror podcast and I don't do horror or scary stuff. Was there a reason its horror?
Daphne: I wanted to display this urban Sweeney Todd retelling up in Washington Heights because it smacks so true in many levels. It gave Aaron Mark, the writer to tell these stories that are living and breathing right now. We're not eating people and putting them into empanada's in any means! LOL. We're just taking having a really good time poking fun and making broad stereotypes about very specific aspects of life. Does that make sense?
Me: It does. So, how do you like doing a podcast, Daphne?
Daphne: Oh, I love the podcast world. It's the niche where someone can work their ASMR.
Me: ASMR? What is that?
Daphne: I can make people feel things in their brains. I love that. Before I hit the stage I was recording things. It was one of the first crafts I was acquainted with where I could really manipulate my environment with my voice.
Me: You were in a band, right?
Daphne: I was in a band, a girl group called Pajama Party. I had my own band and I recorded bits of things.
Me: So, you're happy to be doing the podcast?
Daphne: Yeah, it's a great opportunity to pay homage to old time radio novellas which "Dolores" is paying tribute to.
Me: There's a lot of talk about marijuana in the podcast. What is it about the politics of marijuana that you wanted to dig into here?
Daphne: Wow. Well, I think we present a situation where someone makes their own conclusion. But marijuana just is, we wanted to illustrate how some thing has been so vilified. Alcohol isn't vilified but marijuana is like a natural plant. So is hops and everything else but Dolores went to jail for selling weed and now she comes out and there's all kinds of new marijuana technology that is exalted. When it was just a weed that grew off a plant it was a different situation for her. The politics of marijuana is huge and now being in New York City where it's illegal and now it's not so much there's so much commercialization of the "not quite" weed stuff but we know that it's coming. We just thought we could make a lot of fun with that.
Me: Marijuana is legal here in Florida now. No one has spent a lot of time talking about who historically racially and class wise has been oppressed and has been sent to jail based on these laws, right?
Daphne: Exactly. When they're put into Latino communities of color and then vilify the stoner Latinos, or pick your race then it becomes medicinal panacea. if it's perceived in a different way. How today's perception is reality. We just thought we'd have a great kick out of that.
Me: So, there's talk about cannibalism in this podcast you said. Does Dolores want to eat people? Haha.
Daphne: Wait a minute, Dolores doesn't have the intention of eating anyone. She never eats a person first of all. We're not doing that. But it's like the lengths and the depths we can go survive or to do what we think is surviving. When we don't know any better some really weird stuff can be normalized depending on where we come from. The most imaginable stuff is normal to someone who someone might brush up against some part of the day. That was really the horror.
Me: So, what is the horror of Dolores?
Daphne: The horror is that she begins to do the best she can to survive and ends up not being able to stop the pattern that she really didn't intend to begin in the first place. In order to get out of it she has to sort of go the next level. We always have to top ourselves then we can create a situation where there's no turning back.
Me: How as an actor do you play someone like Dolores who is at their limit?
Daphne: Well, first of all the fun thing about it is as a Latino with a black Latino mom and a Jewish American stepdad we moved to Greenwich Village in New York when I was a kid, very young and we were the gentrifiers. We moved into an Italian neighborhood where Greenwich Village was right next to Little Italy. We were the "others" like "who the hell do you think you are coming in here?" I don't know what I'm saying about that, but the tables turned.
Me: So, do you have any instances that happened to make you feel angry back then?
Daphne: Yeah, I can state a lot of instances and I think that as an actor I collect all my trauma. I am sure that all actors have collected trauma. That sounds so heavy and deep. We all have and I remember from a very, very young age thinking I can use this, this part of my arsenal when I need to display that emotion I see being displayed on a movie screen or on a television set or something. I know what that is, I can do that. I know how to access joy, I'm just an empath. Challenging rage is not that difficult. It was easy to channel being stoned, easy to channel being giddy and in love when I had reference and I allow myself to have to and I'm having it not just for my own self. I'm really reflecting humanity. That's sort of my sweet spot, I love to do that.
Me: So, do you want to do this role in a TV show or film or just keep it as a podcast?
Daphne: I'm loving the idea of a podcast. There is definitely some kindling being prepared for another season. Under all the macabre stuff which is thrilling on one hand and very exciting. It really is a story of survival and Dolores Roach is really like an urban warrior. People I'm sure think urban warriors don't kill and stuff but it's just a story, people, so calm down. It really is just a story but I love it when people get to identify in the most fun and devil may care kind of way. When we do our best to curb our behavior or be the best person we can be we really are making progress and that could be like a broken fingernail or shoelace that sets the t-strip off again. I think that it's fun to show that how in a world that is constantly death by a thousand and billion paper cuts we held up.
Me: That's cool. Daphne, thanks for being on the Phile. This was an odd interview, but fun. Stay well.
Daphne: It's my pleasure, Jason. Thank you.
That about it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guest Daphne Rubin-Vega. The Phile will be back on Monday with Ken Burns. Spread the word, not the turd or the virus. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Wash your hands.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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