Pheaturing Richard Kline From "Three's Company"

Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. I hope you like I've been posting so many entries during this quarantine time. My thoughts going out for all those poor married men who've spent months telling the wife, "I'll do that when I have time." Haha. Did you see Americans are getting a one time $1,200 check to cover COVID-19 unemployment? Because Canada just announced $2,000 a month for the next four months. Have you been washing your hands? My body has absorbed so much sap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Much like the delivery of the mail, Ann Coulter is nothing if not consistent. Whether she's arguing with doctors about gun violence, getting into fights with authors about immigrant rights, or going on one of her trademark bigoted rants, she is ever a troll, begging people to come for her. Since it's been far too long since she was heaped with negative attention, Coulter took to Twitter of Tuesday to share her feelings on COVID-19, mainly, that she thinks everyone is making too much of a fuss. In what was likely a fugue state, Coulter posted a side-by-side of graphs comparing death rates between the flu and COVID-19.

However, all it takes is a simple glance at the tweet to see that she's wrong, and likely doesn't understand how graphs work? Her chart shows that coronavirus is more dangerous than the seasonal flu for everyone over thirty. If you're home schooling your kids, here's today's mathematics lesson...  "Read the graph, and explain why Ann Coulter is wrong." Coulter apparently doesn't know how to read basic graphs. Coulter cherry-picked data from South Korea, the country with the lowest number of COVID-19 casualties, and still managing to get her facts wrong. It's also important to mention that even if Coulter was right, and COVID-19 was less fatal than the flu for people under sixty, she is implying that it's okay for older people to die from the virus, which is deeply ageist. I'm sure for most people bringing up the notion of their parents or grandparents dying of the virus would cause them to step back and muster up empathy, but we all know that Coulter doesn't actually have parents, since she was animated by a witch centuries ago.
Some people have no respect for others, and this definitely proves it. A 31-year-old North Carolina man has been arrested after allegedly pretending to have the coronavirus and then filmed himself on Facebook video, while inside of a Walmart. Justin M. Rhodes claimed he had “definitely tested positive for coronavirus” and was asked to stay in quarantine for a total of 14 to 21 days. He then claimed that he was asymptomatic, saying “I gotta eat too, so y’all just gotta deal with it. If I got it, y’all gonna get it too. Fuck all y’all, that’s how I feel about it.” The video lasted for a good three minutes, featuring Rhodes discussing other places he had allegedly been to that day and observing other people in the stores. Ever since the video made its rounds on social media, it has been deleted from Facebook. But, several decided to record it and share it online, because well, it’s the Internet. You can’t get away with anything nowadays. It was then uploaded to YouTube where it has gained more than 4 million views. Scared for their safety, several users reported the video to the Albemarle Police Department and officers began to investigate. Through a statement, Albemarle police stated they took the case to their local health officials, which confirmed that no one in Stanly County has yet to test positive for a COVID-19 case. Not finding the humor in the situation, officers quickly arrested Rhodes on March 20th and is facing felony charges including perpetrating a coronavirus hoax in a public building and disorderly conduct. He is said to make his first court appearance on March 30th. To no surprise, several commented back on the department’s Facebook page, thanking them for arresting Rhodes for his despicable behavior. Rhodes did post an apology on his Instagram, saying he hadn’t been taking the virus seriously and has since been doing heavy research, realizing the error in his ways. He noted, “I am sincerely sorry, I acted very foolishly, stupidly, and during an uneasy time not only for our community but for the world.” Between you and me, you know this dude is probably kicking his head for a stupid prank like this. This could have easily been avoidable. Try telling people you were arrested for filming a live video in Walmart. What a dummy. Go buy some Lysol dude, this is an insult to first responders, medical staff, and those who are actually scared and hurt by the coronavirus pandemic.
Yikes, privilege at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. There comes a time when you know you should probably start paying things for yourself. At some point, you have to come to the realization that well, you’re an adult, and if you have the means for it, you should probably start maintaining yourself with the money you’re working for. But not Seloni Khetarpal here. This 36-year-old wanted to stay under her parent’s cellphone plan, but they said no. So she called 911 demanding police to respond to her home because her parents had shut off her cell phone. Ah, I love these types of stories. According to authorities, the woman was arrested for repeatedly calling 911 for a really stupid thing and was charged with disrupting public services, which is a fourth-degree felony. The first time she called, police had warned her to only call again for a “legitimate emergency.” Well, thinking it absolutely was, she decided to call again because her cell phone still wasn’t up and running. Court documents stated she was “belligerent” and told responders that she absolutely thought it was a legitimate issue. But obviously not having it, Khetarpal, who is a licensed real estate salesperson, was arrested and booked into Stark County jail. I’m sure her parents must be really proud. Hey, at least the Ohio woman attempted to fight for it, I’ll give her that. But, if she can’t pay her phone bill, how will she pay her $2,500 bond? I bet she didn’t think about the consequences here. Authorities did not reveal why this woman’s parents cut off their daughter’s services, but whatever the situation was, I hope it was a good one. I will note that Khetarpal has modeled for companies such as Miller Lite and Abercombie & Fitch, so you know she must have a few dollars in her bank to get her own cell phone service. But hey, who am I do judge, right? Also, by the look of her mugshot, she must have been hard to deal with while being arrested.

Just look at that anger in her face, you know she is probably going to get her revenge. Yikes. Smartphones will be the death of us all!
I love a nightcap, but this is a whole new level of drinking before heading off to sleep. The Beer Pillow is a DIY invention from Phil at Beer Goals. It looks like Phil got tired of having to chug a beer can before bed for a good night’s sleep, so he decided to bring the beer to bed. It’s quite the invention. Phil takes Bud Light (the famous lager we all love) and fills up a 2-gallon Hefty bag with beer. Next, Phil grabs a plastic bendy straw and encloses it in the plastic bag. Believe it or not, this quirky hack works. If you try this at home, make sure you buy a bag with a zipper.

I don’t see any spills from his beer pillow onto the bed. Impressive, Phil. This puts keg stands and shotgunning beers to rest. I still think the best way to drink beer in bed is simply just taking the can to bed, but this is hilarious. So who is Phil? Phil is a craft beer aficionado based in Los Angeles, California. His Facebook account, Beer Goals, is devoted to beer reviews, jokes, and of course, goals. For more funny beer goals, follow Phil on Facebook. Any beer lover will find Phil’s content entertaining. I’ve done some research, and it looks like he’s attempting to try 50 beers in all 50 states. Life is short, and I admire Phil’s passion for travel and, of course, beer. I won’t be trying the beer pillow at home though, I love my pillow too much.
In a past entry I talked about elephants breaking into a Chinese village and getting drink. Well, the National Geographic it was a hoax. The National Geographic has officially announced that unfortunately, there have been no elephants found drunk. The story, which was too good to be true, is, in fact, a hoax. Initially, Twitter was going around saying a group of elephants had rummaged through a village in Yunnan, China, and got drunk off corn wine, passing out in a tea garden. It quickly went viral on social media and TikTok, but we now know it wasn’t true. But, it was so good, that even I fell for it! Apparently, no one has figured out where the drunken elephant photo first came to life, but a Chinese news report did debunk the viral post. They stated, “While elephants did recently come through a village in Yunnan Province, China, their presence isn’t out of the norm, they aren’t the elephants in the viral photos, and they didn’t get drunk and pass out in a tea field.” Well, I guess this just goes to show us how quickly “too-good-to-be-true” rumors can spark in a terrifying time of crisis. Check your sources, people!
So, look at these side by side pics... the first one is from "The Walking Dead" and the other from COVID-19. Eerie, right?

Did you see the Stones' new publicity pic?

Hahahaha. Oh, Keith. Have you seen Golden Corral's press release? It really made me laugh. And I really hope it's real.

Do you collect those Funko Pops? I don't as much as I used to, but I might have to get these ones...

So cute. Have you heard of Wish? It's a website you can buy stuff, and they have toilet paper but check out the price, kids.

Just go to Target at 8 in the morning and you'll get toilet paper. If you need help washing your hands here's a chart...

That's Graham Parker's "Here It Comes Again." I love that song. Some people are using the coronavirus as a pickup line on dating apps...

That's scary. If I had a TARDIS I would go and meet Col. Anthony Joseph Drexel Biddle who was a hand-to-hand combat expert, who ordered trainee Marines to attempt to kill him with bayonets, and disarming them all.

That's crazy! So, today's guest, Richard Kline who played Larry on "Three's Company." Well, Don Knotts was on that show and I was thinking instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Oh, Don Knotts, I thought he was so funny. He was everywhere, you know...

Hahahahahahaha. So, here's another...

Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Places To Go During The Lockdown
5. Narnia
4. Asgard
3. The Hundred Acre Wood
2. Middle-Earth
And the number one place to go during the lockdown is...
1. A galaxy far, far away...

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hey, it's Thursday, you know what that means...

Okay, the one is not too bad, right? That's more of a Mindphuck. So, there's this inventor who likes to come on the Phile now and then and tell us what inventions he has been doing. He claims to be the world's greatest inventor but so far all his inventions have been pretty lame. Well, he called me and said he has a few more he's been working on so I thought I'd invite him back and see. Please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Mak, how are you?

Mak: Hello, I'm good, been working in my laboratory by myself for weeks coming up with some great inventions.

Me: That's good. What have you come up with?

Mak: Non-stick superglue, that way your fingers won't stick together.

Me: But how will anything stuck together?

Mak: You have a point. Hmmmm. Okay, how about a machine that turns water into poo?

Me: What? Why would you or anyone need that? If anything the other way around would work... maybe. Nah. Forget it.

Mak: Hmmm. How about powdered water?

Me: That could work... would it turn into regular water?

Mak: No, it's just powered.

Me: Ugh! Forget it then. Is that it?

Mak: Yup. That's it.

Me: Then you better get into the lab and work on other stuff, Mak.

Mak: I will. I will be back soon with some other great inventions. Be safe and wash your hands.

Me: Mak Asterborus, world's greatest inventor... or so he claims.

You know I live in Florida, right? Well, things happen in this state that happen nowhere else in the universe. So, once again here is...

An almost entirely naked Florida man was attempting to break into a car when the owner of that car stepped out of her apartment door to see what all the noise was from. The Florida man turned and assumed he could easily handle the person standing before him... a confused old woman. Moments later the mostly naked man left the scene of his attempted burglary bleeding, embarrassed, still pretty much naked. Five foot 6 inches, 300-pound Antonio Mosely had charged the old woman without realizing that she was holding a metal baseball bat, or knowing that she was a pretty good softball player in her day. But oh did Clarese Gainey know how to handle that bat. She swung, connected, and drove off the offensive lineman-sized attacker. You should listen to Gainey tell the story. No, really. You should. It’s wonderful. It will make your day. Police say after receiving his well-deserved beating from the old woman he attempted to attack, Mosely fled to a nearby mobile home, where he put on some pants, put some cocaine in the pocket of those pants, and was then arrested. Mosely was booked into the Alachua County Jail, booked on charges of burglary and drug possession. Gainey told the news that Mosely was lucky she didn’t have a gun, because she would’ve shot him, but then added that really, she was much deadlier with the bat anyway. She called the bat her gun. On a related note, I’ve never been more depressed that a person didn’t own a doorbell camera. So let it known, residents of Gainesville, Florida, that if you attempt to rob, hurt, or otherwise wrong Ms. Clarese Gainey there will be a well-swung metal baseball bat waiting for you. And she can switch hit.

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The 118th book to be pheatured in the Phile's library is...

The great Booker T. Jones will be the guest on the Phile next week. Wanna laugh?

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. The doctor said, "Your tonsils gotta come out." And the patient replied, "I wanna second opinion." "Okay, you're ugly, too."

Today's guest is an American actor and television director who is best known as Larry Dallas on the sitcom "Three's Company." Please welcome to the Phile... Larry David.

Me: Hello, Richard, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir?

Richard: I'm going great, Jason, thank you.

Me: Richard, where are you from?

Richard: Queens, New York City. But I've in Jersey now, I've got a house in Jersey.

Me: You were touring with the musical Waitress: The Musical. Do you like touring with these productions?

Richard: Well, I started touring with Wicked for months. Be honest with you it's all about the income. It pays very well and they pay for my hotels and whatever. They're two great shows, Wicked is a great show and Waitress is a great show but it's a grind being away from home. My wife comes every three weeks, but the days off which are on Monday's we're either in the air or on a bus. I really can't complain because it's a nice chunk of change and I'm working doing what I love.

Me: I read that you teach classes now, is that true?

Richard: Yeah, I am.

Me: How long have you been doing that for?

Richard: Oh, my God. I started in L.A. I think n 1998 and then we moved to Jersey in 2005 and I started a few months later. I think I started to teach in New Jersey in 2006. When I'm not working I'm teaching.

Me: Do you like it? Teaching is fun, right?

Richard: Yeah, it keeps me sharp and it's fun to help students out. And going into the city from my little suburban paradise.

Me: So, how did you first get involved with acting?

Richard: Well, I did a little bit of acting in junior high. I had an English teacher and I guess he ran the drama program in Jackson Heights. So I did a couple of things there and really liked it, then when I got to high school which was in Long Island City it didn't have a drama department so I concentrated on being on the school paper, I was the sports editor of the school paper. That entailed going to the old Madison Square Garden seeing our team play which was kind of cool. Then in Queens College I took one look at the theater, which was this gorgeous 700 seat theater and I said I want to do this. So I became a speech major and had a mentor there who went on to teach at Yale. He taught Meryl Streep, he taught Henry Winkler, he was great, he was my mentor. He actually opened up a summer theater up in New Hampshire which is still going 50 odd years later. That's pretty much it, I never had another job except acting. I was fortunate enough to do a lot of commercials when I got out of the Army in 1971. When I loved in Manhattan I did five years of commercials before I moved to Los Angeles.

Me: When you moved to L.A. did you have work right away?

Richard: No. Actually I moved there temporarily which is known as "living on spec."

Me: So, when did you get the "Three's Company" show?

Richard: A few years later. And that lasted eight years. So all in all I spawn 29 years in L.A. before I moved back to the east coast.

Me: Was "Three's Company" your first sitcom or show?

Richard: No, my first sitcom was "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." So I sat down at the table with Mary and Betty White and Ed Asner and Gavin MacLeod it was insane. I thought I died and gone to heaven. And then "Maude" for three episodes which was like going to comedy school. I just sat in the rehearsal hall and watched this woman work out. She's was just insane, she was great.

Me: Was there anything you learned from her?

Richard: Yeah, I would say a sense of timing but as an actor I took away positive things, or I hope positive things from everybody. Working with John Ritter there's a lot of stuff I do now which I took from John. It's not a feeling, it's just observing. With Bea Arthur, she just had this insane sense of timing that sort of resonated with me.

Me: "Three's Company" was one of my favorite shows growing up. I remember one episode where Larry your character was impersonating Jack, John's character. Did he give you any remarks after or before that?

Richard: I remember that. They wardrobed me in his argyle sweater and sports jacket, and I remember John was behind the camera and I was doing John's schtick and he was cracking up.

Me: When you first played Larry you were a guest star on the show. Did you think that role would last eight years?

Richard: Oh, no absolutely not.

Me: Okay, so, how did that one guest spot become such a long lasting thing?

Richard: The thing that happened was I did that guest spot and I remember Norman Fell came over to me at some point and said doing rehearsal when we were along, "You know they're gonna have you back." I was like, "Really?" "Oh, yeah, they love you." Then they had me back and they had me back again. I said to my agent, "Is there anyway we could get some kind of a deal?" And he said, "Yeah, I'll check it out." And we got a deal for the next five years which turned into two more years after that.

Me: It's cool you were on the three shows, the original show then "The Ropers" and "Three's a Crowd." That must've been cool, right?

Richard: Yeah, it's weird. Someone recently pointed that out to me and I didn't realize I was part of the trifecta.

Me: You sang in one episode I think. Was that your idea or was that the producers and writers idea? 

Richard: The producers somehow knew how, I don't know how but whatever, maybe I knocked on the door and said, "Hey, guys, do you know I sing?" I don't know, they somehow knew I had a musical background or whatever.

Me: When Don Knotts was added to the show were you surprised?

Richard: No, I was elated like everybody else was. I was aware of the fact that Don had won five Emmys and was an icon himself. I said this can only help the show. And it turned out it did because people loved Mr. Furley. They loved Don.

Me: What was it like working with him?

Richard: As the secondary leads there was a kind of unspoken bond but on top of that Don was a sweet guy. He was a great guy, very funny without ever trying to be. He was just a good guy.

Me: Okay, so, what was it like when Suzanne Somers left the show? Did that make you nervous it would hurt the show?

Richard: Well, yeah, I always had that feeling that part of the formula was missing, part of the puzzle was missing. So, yeah, there was apprehension about that. It was really an awkward time for everybody. If you remember the last five shows, or how many they put her on in separate set and had her just made phone calls. In retrospect it was completely unnecessary and mean for the producers to do that. But playing devils advocate they had her in the contract and she had to show up but I thought that was kind of cruel myself. And yeah, there was apprehension if the show was going to continue and being successful. And it did mainly because John Ritter, who was a genius in charge. You basically can thrown any blonde there and it would work. And it did. First they did Cindy played by Jenilee Harrison and then they did Terri and each in their own right they contributed something special to the show.

Me: So, why did the show come to an end?

Richard: The only reason we stopped taping after the eighth season was because John wisely said her didn't want us to go out number 35 in the ratings. He didn't want people to get tired of the show, and then they ended it. Then they did the spin off which unfortunately didn't last.

Me: So, in this day and age everything gets rebooted. Are you surprised someone didn't try to make "Three's Company" again?

Richard: No. Not really. No. In terms of today it was so innocent, based on some of the other sitcoms that came along. We pushed the standards of practices of what we could do and what we could say on television. Back in the say we couldn't say something like, "That sucks." Some of the plot lines that you see today compared to "Three's Company" we were like a fairy tale. I'm not surprised and really don't think about it that much.

Me: Would anything or does anything surprise you?

Richard: What surprises me is the longevity of the reruns. We did this 40 year reunion thing with Antenna TV. How many shows are still on the air after 40 years? That surprises me.

Me: When did you first realize the show was a massive hit?

Richard: Oh, well, it debuted in April 1977 and it was an immediate hit. They brought it back for a whole season off 22 or 23 episodes. After the fourth or fifth airing I was like holy shit, this is a hit. 

Me: Did you take anything from the show when it ended?

Richard: No, and I don't know where the outfits are. They might be in a Goodwill somewhere in China. I don't know if they have a Goodwill in China. My agent got this call a couple of months ago from this guy who wants to offer $20,000 for the parrot shirt. My agent said, "I think he's a kookpot is there anyway you can get the parrot shirt?" A) I don't have parrot shirt and B) for $20,000 I'll check. So I called Taffner productions but I didn't want to tell them I was offered money. I asked them if there's anyway I can get some of the old wardrobe. The long answer was no. Not that I can't have it but no, they don't know where any of that stuff is. I was like okay, fine.

Me: Ha. Too bad you couldn't make a replica. Richard, thanks for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun. Please come back again. Stay safe.

Richard: Thank you. You too.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Larry Kline for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with LeVar Burton. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon