Hi there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? It's 9/10/19, which is a palindrome! That's exciting, right? Teachers, teach that to your kids. Democrats are running on the platform of being better human beings than Trump. It's not that hard to assert your moral superiority over a pussy-grabbing child imprisoning con man, but Kamala Harris had a lil' slip up. At a campaign event in New Hampshire on Friday, an attendee brought up Trump's possible impeachment and asked, "What are you going to do in the next one year, to diminish the mentally retarded actions." The R-word is a horrible slur, as exhibited by the fact that we call it "the R-word." In the moment, Harris laughed and said, "Well said, well said." People were understandably upset, and Harris spent the weekend apologizing... and insisting that she "did not hear" the slur. People aren't buying the excuse, and all but assuring that the scandal lives another day. The good news for Harris is that it's only a matter of time before President Trump says the R-word himself, and/or does an impression.
People voted for this guy and now he is the president.
Don Jr. is getting roasted online, again. This installment of Don Jr. Makes A Post And Gets Dragged To An Emotional Guillotine is inspired by a recent promo for a new line of Trump inspired casual wear fatigues. If the very concept of Trump fatigues makes you feel so fatigued (this wordplay was begging to be included) you want to lay down in a war zone until a bullet skims your coronary arteries, well, you aren't alone. The tweet, posted by the official Trump Organization account features Don Jr. attempting a duck face while posing in camo emblazoned with his family name. The collection truly has it all, equally ugly socks, pants, t-shirts, and even a flask to wash down the cognitive dissonance of voting for a failed businessman/rapist who would sooner throw you in a detention center than pass humane legislation. Here it is...
Unsurprisingly, the promo tweet was met with a lot of backlash, mostly in the form of scathing roast jokes hurled towards Don Jr. and the Trump family at large. The decision to use camouflage for the collection brought on a lot of references to the fact that Trump is a known draft dodger. Not to mention, none of the immediate Trump family has served. The use of camo, alongside Don Jr.'s insufferable mug, also inspired a lot of references to his hunting. One eagle-eyed commenter spotted a dribble of drool (or sweat) on Trump's shirt, which took on a life of its own. The alarming amount of thirst in Don Jr.'s facial expression also made people wonder how well he's handling his divorce. I have no doubt there are people silently buying pieces from this collection (I am shuddering at the thought). But as of now, all of the top comments on the thread are firing on Don Jr. all cylinders.
While no scandal seems to stick to Donald Trump, Donald Trump is stuck on the idea that a hurricane was going to hit Alabama, and he's taking his fixation to new, authoritarian heights. The New York Times reported that Commerce Secretary and Jiminy Cricket Lookalike Wilbur Ross threatened to fire any employees at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration who dared to contradict the president with facts. Meanwhile, White House staffer Ivanka Trump continues to operate as if everything is fine, as if children aren't suffering at the border and the president's brain turns to soup. Ivanka, who has only ever worked for her father, is a self-proclaimed "Advisor to POTUS on job creation + economic empowerment, workforce development & entrepreneurship," and her latest taxpayer-funded trip is to Alabama today. No word on whether she will be taking a plane, or taking flight with her sleeves. Ivanka is going Alabama, as in the place Trump drew a Sharpie around to insist that they were in Hurricane Dorian's path. While Trump is fixated on fake consequences of the hurricane, he's creating a nightmare for people suffering real ones. Trump likely heard "the Bahamas" as "Alabama," and Hurricane Dorian hit the islands for real. Dozens of Bahamian families were kicked off a boat headed to safety in the United States. Can Trump draw some houses in Sharpie for them?
Is it possible to go too far when calling out brands for co-opting empowerment? It's a tricky question to ask, because brands using messages of inclusion to sell stuff can water down real issues. In some cases, the oversaturation can cause people to start equating real struggles of racism, ableism, and misogyny with quirky ads with punchy songs and no true substance. At the same time, brands are going to sell stuff no matter what, so they might as well push messages of inclusion while doing it. All this is to say, it's understandable to be skeptical of brands, but there is a point where it's easy to miss the forest for the trees. A Burger King in Bali, Indonesia recently added signage to share that some of their employees are deaf, so the ordering process now includes different steps. This is a good hiring process, and while a lot of companies quietly discriminate in their hiring practices, it's technically illegal to overtly refuse to hire people based on ability. However, because of the way brands often prop up inclusiveness as a way to score more customers, one (now viral) response tweet questioned Burger King's intentions. "Should I respect Burger King to do this or should I said is this a marketing strategic shit to get our empathy," they wrote. The tweet quickly received a firestorm of responses from people who found it to be grim and deeply cynical. Not to mention the fact that hiring deaf people isn't a marketing campaign, it's a basic human right.
Jennifer Aniston doesn't age because she unlocked the fountain of youth when she was paid $1 million per episode for the "Friends" final season. She is an incredibly wealthy, immortal robot sent from a faraway planet to make women everywhere feel bad about themselves. Why doesn't she have wrinkles? Why is her hair so thick and luxurious? I knew Hollywood could buy you fancy clothes and a stylist but how does she look perpetually in her early thirties? It's scary. However, her newest look is raising some eyebrows as she appears to be incredibly too... tan? I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt because it's the end of summer and she lives in sunny California. That being said, I've never seen a white woman with blue eyes get THAT tan unless it was from a pre-prom spray addiction. Why, In Style? Why?
So Jennifer Aniston is a black alien with giant eyes and a floating head now? Seems 2019. Hmm... We're all going to need an explanation from In Style about this.
If I had a TARDIS I would go to the Twin Towers in New York City in the 70s. Knowing my luck I'd go too far back to when they were being built.
Do you know your neighbors? Ever have to leave them a note like this?
Ever see people holding cardboard signs on the side of the road or in the median? Some of those signs get very creative.
Wait, so he's giving out money? I'm confused. I was thinking of getting another tattoo but someone had the same idea I had...
Damn them. I want to be known as "Mr. Cool Ice." I like it he had sunglasses tattooed on the back of his head. Haha. Have you seen the new flavor of Hot Pockets that just came out? I'm not sure what to think...
Fuckity yuck! This just in... the White House released a new photo of the President golfing. I might be the first blog to show it.
Hahahahahaha. The oic does need to be bigger though, White House people.
Robert Mugabe
February 21st, 1924 — September 5th, 2019
He resigned as the leader of Zimbabwe, right in the middle of his impeachment hearings. Just sayin'.
Paradox
Two physicians.
Me: Hey, Harry, how are you doing? Welcome back to the Phile.
Harry: Hiya, Jas. Good to be here.
Me: So, what's been going on?
Harry: I was at a rental car agency, today and they couldn’t find my name on the monitor to find my car.
Me: Hmmm. So, what did you do?
Harry: I go inside and wait in line. Finally I got to the front, the agent sees me and says, “You really are Harry Webb?” I said, "Um, yes. I was looking for my name outside on the list. He said, "I deleted it because I thought it was fake.”
Me: Ha. So, did you get the car?
Harry: Yeah, and now I'm heading to my big show tonight in Orlando.
Me: Where are you playing, Harry?
Harry: At a Holiday Inn.
Me: Great. Have a great show, Harry. Harry Webb, kids.
Harry: Cheerio, Jas.
From raftin’ and relaxin’ to pretending she’s not watching that kid like a hawk in case she falls off. Uh oh. There's a friend of the Phile that is not happy, and most of the time he's always happy. He wanted to stop by and see if I can help him. Please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hey there, Ed. What seems to be the problem?
Ed: Man oh man, Jason. Look at this, dude.
Me: Ummm.. what am I looking at here?
Ed: My computer is going crazy. Look!
Me: What's that?
Ed: I'm trying to download Blackjack. It's taking forever!
Me: You have one second to go.
Ed: It's been saying that for hours now!
Me: I don't know what to say, Ed.
Ed: Ugh. Okay, I quit. Computers are useless. I do have a joke though. Your readers love jokes, right?
Me: Sure, Ed. Tell us a joke before you leave.
Ed: What is Forrest Gump’s email password?
Me: I don't know. What?
Ed: 1Forrest1! Get it?
Me: Yeah, I get it.
Ed: Alright, I have to go. See ya around, man.
Me: Ed Enistink, the guy who lives in the 90s. That was a waste of time. Haha.
A school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume." One little girl held up her hand and said, “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes so I presume the dishwasher was broken.” “Very good.” said the teacher. Another one said, “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume the BMW wouldn’t start.” “That’s excellent.” says the teacher. Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he headed for the bush, I presume that...” The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.” Johnny says, “Please, teacher, let me finish my sentence.” The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.” “As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read."
Today's oheatured guest is an American actress, animal rights activist and former fashion model. Her book Tippi: A Memoir is the 104th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Tippi Hedren.
Tippi: Thank you, Jason, I'm doing wonderful.
Me: Tippi, where are you from?
Tippi: New Ulm, Minnesota.
Me: Okay, I have to ask you about Hitchcock first... you starred in two of his movies, The Birds, which I love... the movie, not birds, and Marnie. What made you decide to be in his movies?
Tippi: Because I so admired his art. He was one of the most famous producers, directors in the business.
Me: When did you first meet him?
Tippi: When I was young I was discovered on one of the commercials, it was a Sego commercial, I received a phone call "are you the girl in the Sego commercial?" I said yes why and they said, "There's someone wants to meet you." I said, "Who is that may I ask?" They said, "Come over to Universal Studios and we'll introduce you." It was Alfred Hitchcock. It was very, very exciting. It was awesome. Then of course it went all bad.
Me: How did it go bad?
Tippi: I don't know if you've ever been the object of someone's obsession but it could be imprisoning. If you're not interested in that person it doesn't bode well. I finally had to say I want to get out of the contract. It became so oppressive. He said, "I'll ruin your career" and I said, "Do what you have to do." And I walked out. It was sad for me because I was given this wonderful gift and it was taken away from me for reasons that were not good.
Me: In the book you described how Alfred Hitchcock sexually assaulted you, right?
Tippi: Well, he tried to. He didn't succeed but it was a very uncomfortable time and that's when I said I have to get out of this contract and I ran out of the room and slammed the door. I don't think I ever heard a door slam harder in my life. It still rings in my ear. To me it was just very sad because we had such a wonderful working relationship and friendship and with his wife Alma it was really wonderful and then to have it swept like somebody took a rug and pulled it out from under me it was sad that had to happen and didn't need to happen, that's the problem.
Me: How did you carry on psychologically after that?
Tippi: Well, in my mind I was doing what I needed to do. I needed to get away from it and I did.
Me: In the book you say he had this hugely damaging effect on your career even after you finished working for him. What did he do?
Tippi: Well, he said when I told him I wanted to get out of the contract he said no. Then he continued to keep me under contract. Of course when I got the parts in The Birds and Marnie I was hot as an actress and there were a number of producers and directors who wanted me for their films but he was in control. It was so easy for him, all he had to do was say she isn't available.
Me: Wow. what an asshole. How long did this go on for, Tippi?
Tippi: That went on for a couple of years. Finally I got out of the contract and two weeks later I was asked to do the Charlie Chaplin film with Sophia Loren and Marlon Brando in London.
Me: I want to ask you about that film but first I have to say there are two themes that come to mind reading the book and it's persistence and it's fearlessness. You kept going after what you went to. How did you do that? With the MeToo movement now, a lot of women have come out with similar stories than yours.
Tippi: Yes, I don't know what you would call it, can you think of a word, Jason? You're a writer.
Me: Tenacity.
Tippi: That's a good word. Yes. Let's use that word. Tenacious. I'm very tenacious.
Me: That's so cool that you got to work with Charlie Chaplin. What was working with him like?
Tippi: Well, it was so much fun. Sophia Loren and Marlon Brando were in the film with Charlie directing. Marlon hated it.
Me: Hated what? The film?
Tippi: Well, the way Charle directed he would act out all of our parts and that's how he directed. He'd say now you do it. Can you imagine Marlon Brandon with his method acting behind him and having to deal with this goddamn direction? He really wanted to quit but he wasn't allowed to because he was under contract. I loved watching him, he would just change character with the snap pf his finger. My character, Sophia's character, Marlon's character. It was just delightful to watch him.
Me: Wow. Then you were in Roar, which is such a very popular film. I don't know if I ever saw it, but I read about it before. I have so many questions about it. What did people say when you first told them your idea about this film?
Tippi: Oh, they thought we were crazy. Absolutely crazy because we were dealing with apex predators and of course with elephants. I was thrilled beyond words.
Me: I would have said nope if I was supposed to be in the movie, unless they were CGI animals. You weren't afraid?
Tippi: No. Don't ask me why, I don't know. But what I did do I learnt as much as I could about who they were and what they are. And of course they're apex predators. I read about them different personality traits of them and of course how dangerous they could be. I did witness that a number of times.
Me: You got hurt making this film, right? I have to show this pic...
Me: What happened?
Tippi: I suffered one accident with one of the lioness' named Cherries. We were doing a scene where I was crossing a log bridge across a river and I fall, I'm supposed to fall, it's in the script. All the lions and tigers jump over me or walk over me, whatever. Cherries, this rather bitchy lioness walked over me and came back and put her paws over my shoulders and she bit me in the back of the head. Fortunately she got my head, not my neck. It was a disturbing experience, when I lifted my head up my scalp bled profusely. When I got up my whole face was covered in blood and one of my staff on the film crew fainted.
Me: Shit. Were you okay?
Tippi: I survived magnificently but I didn't work with that cat again though.
Me: You said in the book something like you couldn't get out of your mind the sound of the canine scraping against your skull. Can you still hear it?
Tippi: Yeah, I can still hear it.
Me: That's crazy. Were you tempted to quit?
Tippi: No, I didn't feel that way. I know it was one accident and I was going to prevent the next one with the knowledge that I was very much a part of.
Me: But there were other accidents. Your husband was attacked, your daughter Melanie Griffith almost lost an eye, a crew member was hurt. With all these injuries and all the pain why was it important to carry on and make this film?
Tippi: Just because we had started it and believed in it. It was important to finish it. It's that simple.
Me: But were their moments where you thought "I have gangrene now, maybe I should shut it down"?
Tippi: I never felt that way.
Me: You're braver than I am. And there was an elephant accident as well, right?
Tippi: Yes, I fell off my elephant and my leg got caught between his tucks and his trunk and the pressure was so severe I got this rather bad wound on my right leg. I still have the scars from it. But that didn't deter me from getting up on his back again ever. I loved that animal.
Me: In the book you wrote that you didn't learn until many years later how naive and stupid you were. When you look back at the film now what are your thoughts?
Tippi: You know something, I wouldn't have missed a minute of it really. It was just exciting, it was thrilling, we were doing something that was unique and I just loved it. When the film was over there was never any thought about what do we do with these big cats. There was never that thought because I always felt I would take care of them.
Me: You have so many crazy stories in the book, Tippi. I have to ask you about when you went you Guatemala on a trip for Food For the Hungry. Can you tell us what happened?
Tippi: Well, that was a real highlife of my life actually. We flew from L.A. to Guatemala and we had a huge amount of medications we were bringing into that area. At one point the pilot became ill, and he became so ill he had to go back to the states. The co-pilot looked at me and said, "Tippi, I cannot fly this thing alone, can I teach you how to fly?" I just went "Whoa! Yes!!"
Me: Have you flown before this?
Tippi: I couldn't fly a Cessner or anything but I could fly a DC-3.
Me: I was going to ask you if you were scared or anything but once a lion has put its claws around your skull flying a plane is nothing, right?
Tippi: You know, Jason, I don't think the words "fear" or "scared" is in my vocabulary.
Me: They are in mine. Hahaha. You're not scared of anything?
Tippi: Spiders. I really don't like them.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You should make a film with spiders then.
Tippi: Oh, no, oh my God, no. I'll have to get a replacement for me.
Me: Haha. Okay. Tippi, thanks for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun.
Tippi: It was wonderful. I hope we can do it again.
Me: I hope so too.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Tippi Hedren for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Thursday with musician Brady Novotny. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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