Pheaturing Paul Zaloom

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday... it's the first day of fall. I can't wait until it's October when there's no sun outside and everything is pretty colors and there... oh, yeah, this os Florida. That's not gonna happen. So, I went to the Bucs vs. Giants game yesterday and man, was it hot. But what a great game. I know I will be talking to Jeff on Thursday's enter about it but I have to say
Daniel Jones did something that Eli Manning could not do. Run. During the second quarter of the game, Giants RB Saquon Barkley suffered what looks like a scary ankle/lower leg injury after landing awkwardly. Not good. More on that Thursday as well.
The Area 51 Raid that started off as a joke actually happened, y'all. People really did show up to "see them aliens." An event calling on terrestrials to "Storm Area 51" had received over 2 million RSVPs on Facebook, and inspired both thousands of memes and two emergency declarations. California guy Matty Roberts created an event called "Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us" after listening to an episode of the podcast "The Joe Rogan Experience." The event was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but government officials took it as seriously as people take their aliens-on-earth theories. Commissioners of two Nevada counties were worried that the joke is not, in fact, a joke, declared states of emergency. Per USA Today, "Nye County is home to Amargosa Valley, the original site of the Area 51 raid, but the event has been shifted to Lincoln County in the town of Rachel. The self-proclaimed 'UFO Capital of the World,' Rachel is located on State Route 375, dubbed in 1996 the "Extraterrestrial Highway." On Aug. 19th, commissioners in Lincoln County also voted to pre-sign an emergency declaration, which allows the state to supply resources in the event that a rural county needs help." Area 51 is an ultra-secretive military facility that is roughly the size of the state of Connecticut. The secrecy has spawned countless conspiracy theories, and there's no doubt that the aliens are laughing at us. If Nevada was really nervous about weirdos, they'd declare a state of emergency over Burning Man.
Friday, hundreds of thousands of people took to the streets in the Global Climate Strike to demand our leaders address climate change and stop destroying natural resources for profit. There were over 4,500 strikes slated worldwide spanning over 120 countries, and over 500 strikes are registered in the U.S. alone. Friday's strike marks the beginning of a week full of climate actions, including a Youth Climate Summit on Saturday, a U.N. Climate Action Summit today, and a second worldwide walkout called Earth Strike planned for Sept. 27th. While activists across the world have been organizing rallies and linking up to signal boost the need to keep corporations and governments accountable for the corruption that threatens mass extinction, the 16-year-old Swedish activist Greta Thunberg is currently the face of this week of action. Thunberg helped give the global movement a massive push a visibility back in August 2018, when she started skipping school on Fridays to protest outside Swedish parliament, demanding they address climate change. Her efforts have inspired #FridaysForFuture across the world, where other students take off school early (or arrive after school) to protest outside their local government buildings. Over a million kids skipped school to participate in the global climate strike back in March, and Friday's strike (alongside the week full of actions) is expected similar numbers, many of them also children. As expected, the signs are out in throngs, and people are using them to fuel their rage, sadness, and hope in equal parts.
Melania Trump is political props to pose with her, and parents are pissed. The New York Daily News reports that a notice went out to parents of students at the United Nations International School seeking children to join Melania Trump for a photo op at the New York Stock Exchange. UNIS is the official school of the United Nations, where U.N. employees from all over the world send their children. While Melania is only seeking ten students for a picture that will bring about world peace, parents are pissed that the school would let them pose for propaganda. The issue has reached the upper echelon of the United Nations. A U.N. worker and parent at the school sent a letter to the U.N. undesecretary-general, writing, "I am profoundly disappointed by the decision to accept this invitation." Students' "appearance together with the First Lady confers, by extension, on this U.S. administration, the endorsement of our school and our community," the parent wrote. The parent noted that when Donald Trump was elected, the school organized "grief counseling and special activities with students to cope with the shock," and to collaborate with the White House is a disappointing about-face. The school, however, have no regrets, and published a letter saying that they have no regrets. "We are mindful of the fact that the United Nations stands for giving voice to differing opinions and positions and that debate and dialogue are fundamental to its core mission," the school's executive director wrote. He added that he's hopeful that the field trip could help convince the First Lady not to be racist, writing, "It is our intention to present a framed copy of the UNIS Mission Statement as a gift and as a reminder of who we are, what we represent, and what we stand for." Parents and alumni are not satisfied with inviting her in and simply giving her a framed printout. When America sends its people to the United Nations, they're not sending their best.
If you don't spend your whole workday on Twitter, unlike your favorite bloggers and President Trump, you will have missed that the number one trend for hours last Monday was none other than the name Ben Shapiro. Shapiro is a professional right-wing ranter and hot take haver, despite the fact that he could have had a lucrative career doing voices for Alvin and the Chipmunks. On Monday, he discussed the renewed discussion over the sexual misconduct allegations against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. "The Cool Kid's Philosopher" Shapiro said that there's no way they can be true, because we haven't heard any descriptions of Kavanaugh's genitalia. "We’ve had a bevy of public figures in recent years, who have had their genitalia described on national television by people who alleged sexual assault. Right, Stormy Daniels famously described President Trump’s genitalia, Bill Clinton’s genitalia, details of such were talked about," Shapiro said. "Nobody has yet described Kavanaugh’s genitalia... now that’s not dispositive, maybe they were generic, who knows." Last fall, the Senate confirmed Kavanaugh to the nation's highest court despite Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's sworn testimony that he assaulted her in high school. Over the weekend, published a report about Kavanaugh's college days. In the midst of the confirmation battle, Deborah Ramirez said that while they were at Yale, "Brett Kavanaugh pulled down his pants and thrust his penis at her, prompting her to swat it away and inadvertently touch it." "At least seven people, including Ms. Ramirez’s mother, heard about the Yale incident long before Mr. Kavanaugh was a federal judge," The Times wrote. "Two of those people were classmates who learned of it just days after the party occurred, suggesting that it was discussed among students at the time." The article also mentioned a previously unreported incident. A fellow classmate named Max Stier said he "saw Mr. Kavanaugh with his pants down at a different drunken dorm party, where friends pushed his penis into the hand of a female student." The woman declined to be interviewed, but "friends say she does not recall the episode." Shapiro's demand for a detailed description of Kavanaugh's penis raises questions, including, "Does Ben Shapiro know how sexual assault works?" There's not always a penis involved, and if there is, women are a bit busy being under attack to take mental pictures for people who are already inclined not to believe them. The bar these guys set for women in order to be believed keeps getting higher and higher... and grosser. Just admit that you don't care if somebody's a sexual predator as long as they're enforcing your agenda, this is taking forever.
It is with a heavy heart I report to you that Stephen Miller, Chief Nationalist of the White House, has a girlfriend. While Miller's sexual proclivities undoubtedly involve disentangling his tentacles and staring at the photos of the immigrant children he's caged, it is even more shocking to learn that somebody's sexual proclivities involve Stephen Miller. NBC News dropped this tidbit of D.C. gossip when reporting that Vice President The Minister from Footloose Mike Pence hired former Department of Homeland Security press aide Katie Waldman to be his press secretary. "Also worth noting: Waldman is dating Stephen Miller," reporter Nick Miroff wrote. As spokesperson for former Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, Waldman was tasked with defending and promoting Trump's family separation policy, which means that this couple truly is a match made in hell. The two must have bonded on their shared love of traumatizing toddlers. Her whole Twitter profile is Border Patrol-themed, with a picture of the border with Mexico as her cover photo.

Stephen Miller might be the disgusting spawn of Evil Squidward, but women can't help but be attracted to men in positions of white power.
Instead of doing this log thing I should be listening to this album...

Ummm... maybe not. I bet they rock though. Hey, did you know Trump plays darts? Here's proof...

Hahaha. Hey, are you a Miami Dolphins fan? Someone has to be. Here's the team bus on their way to the game yesterday...

They have a new logo as well...

Awe. That's just sad. So, if I had a TARDIS I would try and meet George Harrison once again but knowing my luck he'd be on a date or something with Stevie Nicks.

I like that he's wearing a Beatles shirt. Haha. I told you earlier about the Global Climate Strike that happened this weekend... well, some kids had signs to give you hope for the future...

Some people's signs were vey snarky as well...

Haha. So, I missed the Emmys last night but I heard the whole cast of "Game of Thrones" was there. Here's a pic...

Okay, do you kids like riddles? If so, you might like this...

A man was killed in his office. Before dying, the victim managed to pull out the knife from his abdomen, nail to to a calendar, and write 6,4,9,10,11 with his blood. The suspects were Sophie, Jason, Nick, Julie, and Paul. Who is the killer?

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know, kids. Okay, so there's this really tough guy who likes to stop by now and then and tell us how tough he is. Last time he was here all he said was "flick my man tits." I hope he has something better to say this time. Please welcome to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Martin, how are you?

Martin Masculinity: I am fucking good, Jason. How are you?

Me: Tired but okay. So, what have you been up to?

Martin Masculinity: Literally this past weekend some really drunk dude who I had never once met or interacted with tried to fight me.

Me: Really? Why?

Martin Masculinity: Guess he was trying to impress the girls he was with.

Me: So, what happened?

Martin Masculinity: It was completely ridiculous, and his way of trying to initiate it was just repeatedly body checking me on the dance floor which I ignored because I thought he was just being drunk and dumb. Turns out one of his friends had to stop him from blindsiding me with a sucker punch to the face... assuming he was able to aim that well.

Me: I think it's funny you were on a dance floor. Haha.

Martin Masculinity: Why? I like to boogie sometimes, dude. That's not a big deal.

Me: Okay, so, nothing else happened? What did you think of this?

Martin Masculinity: Some people do not mix well with alcohol apparently.

Me: Apparently not. Thanks, Martin. Have a great day.

Martin Masculinity: You too, brother.

Me: Martin Masculinity, the toughest man alive... who was dancing. Hahaha.

If Tetris has taught me anything, it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Parasites 
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Honeymoon’s over! Now for some sad news...

Barron Hilton 
October 23rd, 1927 — September 19th, 2019
Built a hotel empire, was huge in aviation, started the American Football League, which eventually merged with the NFL and created the Super Bowl, had 8 kids, 15 grandkids, and was a solid philanthropist. And somehow his vapid granddaughter gets all the press. That SUCKS.

The 105th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Ben Folds will be the guest on the Phile on Thursday.

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis." The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."

Today's guest is an American actor and puppeteer, best known for his role as the character Beakman on the television show "Beakman's World." Please welcome to the Phile... Paul Zaloom.

Me: Hi, Paul, welcome to the Phile, sir. How are you? 

Paul: It's my pleasure. Thank you. I'm great.

Me: You are very funny and talented, sir. What was your childhood like?

Paul: A typical American east coast suburban childhood I guess. Maybe not that typical. I grew up in a middle class family, I went to private school so I guess it's not that typical. I don't know what I'm talking about. It was pretty swanky, we didn't live in a castle or anything like that but we were pretty well off. My folks put six kids through private school so that is where their dough went. Their were no Cadillacs or motorboats or anything like that. They were big believers in education. And look how I turned out. Oh, well.

Me: My sisters and I did a number of years at a private school. Do you feel you missed out by not going to public school at all? I sure don't.

Paul: I don't know. I think my mom prejudiced us so strongly against public school that that's never occurred to me. I think I was just really happy that I was going to a parochial school. That was an option and my mom wasn't Catholic but my dad was and my older brother went to Catholic school for a brief period and my mom said no, this is not going to happen. That was weird, where the fear was based.

Me: When did you get into puppetry and that kinda stuff?

Paul: Well, I went to private school and prep school and all of that. By the time college rolled around I was pretty sick of academia. It just was not something I responded to being the artsy bohemian type, the regimentation. The schools were kind of square. I ended up going to the first progressive high school in the country, the Putney School in Vermont as an exchange student for three months and that was really a great experience. Then I went to hippy college, Goddard College in Vermont. Total hippy, there were no rules or requirements, there were no grades. You were supposed to do something and show evidence of doing something but there were no guns allowed and there was one guy who used to walk around with a gun shooting it all the time. You weren't allowed to have a dog but everyone had a dog so it was just this wild and crazy place. And the Bread and Puppet Theater was in residence there and that was an avant garde neo-German expressionist puppet theater and I ended taking some workshops and the next thing I know I was in the company and that's all I did for my college education. I simply worked in a professional theater company and went all over the place and worked with the professionals. I was nineteen so that was a very lucky thing.

Me: Were you inspired by Jim Henson?

Paul: I worked with Jim on a pilot in the 80s sometime. It was a really terrible pilot called "Innertube" I think it was called. He was a fan of my puppet shows, I did a show with found objects, different junk and debris and packaging material, toys, tools, whatever junk I could find I would animate as puppets. There was not of that going around in those days and it was all comedic based, political satire and he came and saw my shows and liked them and said, "Why don't you be a part of this pilot?" It was great, he was really a very nice man. He called me up to his penthouse in the Sherry-Netherland hotel in Manhattan and it was amazing. All the furniture was custom made like fantasy furniture. It was pretty interesting. I did that with him and he was a swell cat. I'm from the opposite tradition of puppetry, I'm from it's not kids puppetry the Bread and Puppet Theater, it's very political and kinda anarchist. It just couldn't be more different than Jim's thing.

Me: I told this story on the Phile before but I met Jim Henson at Epcot when they were filming "The Muppets Go to Walt Disney World." He personally asked me to move a trash can to the top of a hill so they can film a scene with Gonzo. After the shot he said I could put it back. Haha. Do you know why he liked your stuff as it was so different?

Paul: He was pretty open to stuff that was different than his. And his foundation which supported puppetry in this country with grants and festivals, they've been pretty supportive of work. As a matter of fact they don't like supporting work that uses Muppet style puppets. They pretty much don't do that, which I think is great because it was a trademark thing and it's so distinctive that I don't think other people should do it. That's kind of the way they feel.

Me: You are known for a show and character that I vaguely remember, "Beakman's World." How did you get involved with that?

Paul: Well, I've gone with Jay Dubin who was the guy they hired for the director. Jay was this crazy cat from Brooklyn, wild red hair, dems and dolls accent, just a complete lunatic. I knew him through the old school, the good ole Quaker Jewish Leftish summer camp network through a buddy of mine who was a producing partner of his. This buddy and I have gone to this Communist summer camp, Quaker summer camp. It wasn't really Communist and it wasn't really Jewish, I'm just exaggerating. It was Quaker though, and was an integrated camp from the day they opened the doors in 1947, so against it was a very progressive institution. I knew a guy from there who ended up being a producer partner of Jay and we pitched something to HBO back in the "Pee-Wee" days. It didn't really go anywhere, and when they were trying to cast Beakman they couldn't find anybody weird enough in Hollywood to do the job, which must've been hilarious. They said they just found these sitcom dads. They couldn't find any freaks. So Jay said, "I know this guy in New York, he's kind of a freak." They flew me out to do an audition and I basically spilled some water in the middle of it then ad-libbed off that, splashing around with the water and just ad-libbing and that sealed the deal.

Me: Did anybody think you were a real scientist?

Paul: No. I'm not, and just like I'm not a doctor I just play one on TV. The important thing is that I am able to understand what I'm talking about. And really understand it. Because if I don't then I can't sell it. The thing that I had to do was to make sure the material was understandable to me, I figured if it was understandable to me then hopefully it'll be understandable to kids. Or maybe the other way round. If kids get it then I'll get it, and that's why 53% of the audience were adults. I asked an adult friend, "Why do you watch the show?" And he said, "Because I knew that I'd get it. I understand the science." That's interesting because it's a kids show. People said, "Oh, if it's a kids show explain science in such a way that I get it."

Me: Who was the show aimed for mostly?

Paul: We wanted it to be like a Warner Bros. cartoon, operating on a bunch of different humor levels, that it wouldn't be excruciating for the parents to watch. They wouldn't want to kill themselves white watching this stinking show. It's always nice to have jokes that kids don't quite get, make them reach a little bit. The model for our show was in my head Soupy Sales. I think the writers were more Mr. Wizard fans, which I did not like that show. I was not a fan of that show. I thought he was obviously a mean old curmudgeon. I just couldn't stand that show. Mr. Smartie Pants. He hated the new scene shows, he said, "I don't understand why they have to be funny." Which I thought was completely unnecessary and discourteous, probably discourteous what I'm saying right now. I'm bad mouthing this dead guy. But anyway Soupy Sales was much more of a model for this show. Soupy was so likable, such a goof ball and just the way he treated the framing, the TV edge to edge of the TV was really interesting.

Me: Did you have any major mishaps while filming?

Paul: Yeah, we had tons of them and the rule was even if it goes wrong we keep going because it still might end up in the show. I have a blooper where we had a character called Ray which was an arm that came in from the side that just hands me stuff or pours stuff, and that was actually based on a Soupy idea of White Fang or Blue Tooth or whatever their names were that were two puppets that came in that were just arms that came from the edge of the frame. It's just interesting because Soupy treated the frame like it was an edge and that doesn't always happen in television. It's not played, the edge isn't played. Television was new enough that it was still regarded like a theater. In the theater there's an edge, and you can play that edge or not play that edge. That was really interesting to do that. Anyway, we were doing something with Art Burns that was this disgusting chef that I played, he was always sneezing into the food or his teeth were falling out into it, and it was just really gross. Whenever we needed to do a recipe of something or make something Art Burns would do that. So I say put this ingredient and that ingredient and a hand comes in and he's putting the stuff in the wrong thing that I'm holding. And he does it like three times and I keep telling at him and the cameras rolling. We didn't end up using that but I think we had an alligator on the show and it snapped at me, I scream like a girl and went running out of frame, I think that ended up on the show.

Me: The show is on DVD, Paul, ever watch it?

Paul: I haven't watched an episode in many years, I should do it because I think the show is not so bad. It's pretty good, and I like that. We had a really good time doing it. The team of people that put this thing together were unbelievable and very dedicated, and really talented. The writers did the theory of relatively in six minutes for 6-year-olds. How the hell do you do that? I have a lot of respect for the work that they did and how they would conceptualize stuff and figure out how to make it interesting, funny and compelling. The show is very popular in Latin America if you didn't know that.

Me: What do you think of that?

Paul: It is really, really crazy. Its nothing like any live kids show in the United States, any of them. There's not a fanatical following like that. The last gig I did in Mexico City two hours after the gig I was in the theater in the seperate part of the campus where I was performing and they needed twenty cops to get me out of there. I was just mobbed by people and they made a quadrant of cops. A guy told me don't stop, just run to the van and their were people pounding on the van, running out in traffic. Wait a minute, this is a kids show, a science show, what the hell is going on?

Me: Is it still shown on the air still down there or something?

Paul: I could never really get a straight answer. I don't think it is, but it goes on and off periodically. It's a pretty strong nostalgia thing because when I play I play to about between 5,000 to 10,000 people in an outside venue at the Instituto Politécnico Nacional in Mexico City. Then they live streamed it and 1.5 million people watched the live stream. That's a lot of people for a Facebook live stream. Maybe it isn't, I don't know. But the passion people have for it there is reflective, I ask people like why and they say, "Oh, you explain science so well," or "Mexican TV for kids is lousy," or "It's funny." But that doesn't explain this. This is something about emotions, if you get emotional about something it's because it hits you emotionally. I thought about it a lot because I thought what the hell is going on.

Me: Can you guess why it's so successful?

Paul: Why? I think it's because the guy looks at them very close to the camera and he's talking to them and the kids are sitting there and the guy is talking to the kid. There's not a big distinguishing element between someone in the room looking them in the eye and somebody in a tube or in a box looking at them doing that. That created an emotional connection. Plus I think the guy was somewhat likable and I think that just created the strong emotional connection. A lot of people as a result became scientists or science teachers, doctors, astrophysicists, neuroscientists, brain surgeons. I have had hundreds of people tell me to my gave they wouldn't be doing what they are doing today if it weren't for me. I'm just the front man, this was a big team of people that put this together.

Me: Did you have puppets on the show?

Paul: The late Mark Ritts was hired to do a puppet on the show, originally Lester was supposed to be this rat puppet and that's what he was in the pilot. Jay said he didn't want a puppet in this thing because it's just some stinking sock and it'll always be cut to this thing and it says something allegedly funny that's probably not going to be funny. Who needs it? We don't need like a wise guy character. I need a human being who could hold things, demonstrate things, who can do physical stuff. I'm a puppeteer, I believe in puppetry, but I totally get it was not helpful. Whenever a puppet is used in a show, a TV show, or theater, a question always has to be "why?" There has to be a compelling reason why and there was no compelling reason why except it was a bad idea.

Me: What is your favorite episode or thing about "Beakman's World"?

Paul: Well, I think my favorite episode or thing was the snot episode. This was very early in the show, and Jay said to me, "How do you do snot?" And I said, "I would have a card and I would coat it in snot and make that a nostril." That kinda bad idea evolved into us using a big Sonotube which is a big cardboard tube for during concrete foundations. They got a really big Sonotube and put bubble wrap inside it and then put 700 dollars industrial grade Hollywood snot in there. I was a hazmat suit like that astronaut thing. We did the whole NASA deal with it and that was ridiculously disgusting and idiotic. Kids love bodily functions and so it's a great avenue to get them into science. To understand snot is not just a between meal snack, it's also this impotent thing that is sticky stuff that collects dirt and germs as you breathe through your nose. So kids can understand these things actually have functions, this is the reason why. I think the idea maybe is not just to teach them about snot but also to get them in the practice of thinking why is this like this and what does this do. Really get into the depth of it and think about why things function in the days that they do. I enjoyed that episode, that was fun.

Me: Readers of the Phile and people that know me personally know I don't like Bill Nye. He's an asshole. Ever run into him?

Paul: I was on "Science Friday" once with him and I think I was on a panel with him or something. I saw him in a hotel lobby at some event that we were doing. He actually talked in the press about the fact that I wasn't a scientist. He called me a performance artist, and he called me an actor, and said that I wasn't a scientist and that his show is better than ours. I never engaged in any of that because I think the more science shows the better. I never really considered him to be competition. Just not the way I look at stuff. I was puzzled why he needed to bad mouth me but you have to ask him to find out. TMZ called me up when he was doing "Dancing With the Stars" and said, "What do you think about that?" I was biting that worm. What do I think? It's fantastic. He's representing for science. That's not the sound bite they wanted. I guess he did pretty well on "Dancing With the Stars."

Me: I think he's not a real scientist. Ha!

Paul: A lot of people get on his case because they say he's an engineer. He's not a scientist. I don't think it makes any difference. What makes a difference is whether it works or not. To my perception but maybe I'm wrong, who knows. I actually don't care less. Just as long as the show is successful and people responded to it. That is what's really important and what was meaningful to me.

Me: So, what are you up now?

Paul: Well, I'm working on some Beakman related stuff for Latin America. I couple of ideas I have for PSA's, maybe some publications and stuff like that. I'm doing these Beakman gigs mainly in Mexico and Brazil. I love Mexico, I love the Mexican people, they are super warm and super friendly and I get to put in a lot of jokes about the Idiot and that's really fun. I'm kinda pandering to them but I don't really care, I just find ways to mentioning the Moron and insulting him in the right context. It's really fun to do and I do it as a side so I don't make a big deal out of it. I never mention the name. 

Me: Haha. You don't have to. Paul, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun for you.

Paul: Thanks for having me, it was fun to do. I'm a cranky old man that's full of crap so it's honor to be able to spew my whatever all over the place. Thank you having me, Jason.

That was a fun interview. Thanks to Paul Zaloom for being on the Phile. The Phile will be back on Thursday with Ben Folds! Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon