Rabbit. Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile. It's not only April 1st it is April Fool's Day. Let's spend April Fool's Day on Facebook continuing to fool each other into believing our lives aren't a mess. Remember when Fox News accidentally revealed a graphic that said RBG died? Good times. Welp, they're at it again, except this time it's even worse. During an episode of "Fox & Friends," a graphic on the screen read, "Trump cuts U.S. aid to 3 Mexican Countries," which is problematic because there is actually only one Mexican country, and it is the country of Mexico. Here it is just in case you didn't see it or don't believe me...
This graphic was likely referring to the fact that Trump announced that the U.S. will no longer provide aide to El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras. As anyone who owns a map knows, these countries are in Central America, not Mexico. Fox News has since apologized for the mistake, saying, "We want to clarify and correct something that happened earlier in the show. We had an inaccurate graphic on screen... we just want to be clear the funding is being cut off to three Central American countries. We apologize for the error it never should have happened." That's a hard one to live down, Fox Friends.
While PETA officially stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the acronym might as well be People for Extreme Twitter Attention... or People for Extremely Titilating Anime. The animal rights group's strategy for getting us to care about animals is pretty much just trolling us all. PETA recently came for the late Steve Irwin, which did not go over well, and theiR "sensual" beastiality cartoon isn't going over well either. To highlight the absurdities of humans drinking milk, a phenomenon they call unethical, PETA tweeted out a cartoon that can be...
What in the name of BoJack Horseman is this? Many a person has watched BoJack Horseman and found themselves attracted to the cartoon golden retriever, and now PETA has taken it too far. That is quite a big-bosomed cow, and people are a-moo-sed. PETA started trending, which is all part of its master plan. While PETA is technically an animal rights organization, they've done more for furries' rights than any major advocacy group.
For millennia, people have opted to tell women what to wear rather than tell men to control their boners, but this generation isn't afraid to fight back. Female students are protesting sexist dress codes in their middle schools and high schools and now, the bullshit has officially been admitted to college! A Catholic mom named Maryann White attended a Mass on campus, and was absolutely AGHAST that the women were strutting about in tight pants like FLOOZIES, she wrote a letter to the editor to the student newspaper begging women to put on thicker bottoms. "I was ashamed for the young women at Mass. I thought of all the other men around and behind us who couldn’t help but see their behinds," she wrote. "Leggings are so naked, so form fitting, so exposing. Could you think of the mothers of sons the next time you go shopping and consider choosing jeans instead? Let Notre Dame girls be the first to turn their backs(ides) on leggings." White also had the chutzpah to bring Princess Leia into this, comparing leggings-as-pants to Leia's "slave girl" outfit, which Jabba forced upon her in order to "steal her personhood." Notre Dame girls were the first to say HELL NO. A sophomore named Katie Fuetter organized Love Your Leggings Day! calling on women to "join in our legging wearing hedonism." A student group, Irish 4 Reproductive Health, declared Tuesday to be Leggings Pride Day. On March 26th, students celebrated their comfortable stretchy pants and wore whatever they damn pleased! A senior named Nicole told the campus paper that she showed up to the event because "what I wear is not an invitation to sexualize my body." Another mom wrote a letter to The Observer called "Leggings: Another mom's view," in which she not only defended Princess Leia, she defended women's rights to wear whatever they want. "If nakedness is wrong, then this woman’s sons better have been fully clothed at the beach at all times," wrote Heather Piccone. "They better never have played a game of “shirts versus skins” pick-up basketball or football in the park. If tight clothes are equal to nakedness, then every male wrestler by her definition should be at fault for wearing the uniforms issued because my daughter is in the stands." Young men: Think of all the mothers of daughters. Keep your shirts on, or you're asking for it.
I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to be Donald Trump's kid, but if anyone is doing it right it's probably Tiffany. She keeps a low profile unlike her siblings and I know nothing about her which is exactly what we need. While it must be hard to get your father's attention when he's busy eating McDonald's and complaining on Twitter, there must be better ways than Donald Trump Jr.'s most recent attempt at fatherly love. Donald Trump Jr. spends a lot of time on Instagram posting memes like this...
He's obviously having a total field day with the Mueller news. But it was this meme in his stories that people were particularly interested in...
I mean, if you're going to butcher a perfectly good porn video for a meme, you could at least choose the all-season Pornhub logo. That gingerbread cookie is so innocent! While I'm sure Don Jr. got a solid laugh at the expense of Democrats, I'm more interested in whether or not this means that even Trump's family notices how orange he is. If his own son can laugh about it, can he also tell his dad to lay off the self-tanning lotion? Maybe tell him to get out of the tanning bed? Later, Don took the issue to Twitter to respond to Ivanka...
Anxiously awaits Pornhub's response.
Get ready to feel better about being a part of the human race. The best kind of good deeds are the ones done anonymously for a stranger. "Paying it forward" or "random acts of kindness" don't mean holding your best friend's hair back while she throws up or taking one for the team at brunch by putting the whole check on your card and making everyone Venmo you. Sometimes it's important to put our selfishness and routine grind aside for a moment and do something for someone else without absolutely no expectations. When a recent Reddit user posed this note they found on their windshield, the Internet was overjoyed...
Now I'm wondering, can we please get these people to meet up somehow and fall in love? Was this note written by the officer who gave the ticket as an elaborate scheme to woo the truck owner? Is it really just as simple as being a good deed? We'll never know.
So, instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...
Ummm... maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would go to 1973 to meet Air Force fighter pilot Lt. Col Robert Stirm after his release as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, where he was held for six years. But I'd get there right as his family sees him the first time after his disappearance.
Oooohhh, David... I was thinking about getting a new tattoo but someone had the same idea I had...
Damn them. Hahahaha. I should have saved that for a Mindphuck. A few weeks ago in a show-and-tell outside the White House, President Donald Trump whipped out maps to tell the press that ISIS has been defeated. That wasn't the only thing he whipped out and showed off...
I have no idea why he's showing a pic of Hillary. And I have to admit, at first I thought it was a pic of Margaret Thatcher. Hahahaha. Avengers: Endgame is just one month away, and Marvel Studios released new posters honoring the heroes on both sides of Thanos' snap. There's some posters though I'm scratching my head about...
I think Marvel is taking it a bit too far. So, I said this soooo many times before, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn for free and so easily. But of you're at work or school you might get in trouble if you look at porn, and I'd rather you read the Phile. So I came up with a solution...
You're welcome. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned
5. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
4. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
2. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
And the number one great truth that little children have learned is...
1. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Hahaha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, while the public has yet to see the actual Mueller report, the Trump administration is still declaring victory, rejoicing that their hand-selected Attorney General has decided to clear his boss of any crimes. A "friend" of the Phile has something she wants to show off. Something she is proud of I am sure. So, once again here is...
Sarah: Oh, my darling, oh, my darling, oh my darling Clementine. Hello, Jason.
Me: Hi, Sarah. So, from your perch at the most respected address in America, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, you are engaging with this new information in a respectful, persuasive manner... LOL JK you'll trolling us all. Right? What do you have to show us?
Sarah: Mueller Madness! Which of the angry and hysterical Donald Trump haters got it most embarrassingly wrong? Take a looksy...
Me: Sarah, this is ripoff of a New York Post meme. It might seem like it came from a troll in your mentions, but it's actually a shitpost from an official government account. Explain what the bracket is...
Sarah: The bracket features commentators who have publicly suspected Trump's guilt in the investigation...
Me: Mostly because he got caught lying dozens of times and fired people who were investigating him. No one is laughing, Sarah...
Sarah: You're wrong. People with Pepe the Frog icons are undoubtedly laughing their MAGA hats off.
Me: But everyone else is not impressed.
Sarah: Well, I love the backlash. I tweeted the image twice. How many times do the Democrats and their liberal media allies have to be proven embarrassingly wrong about DonaldTrump before they finally accept he’s been a great President?
Me: That March Madness is indeed madness. So glad it's April.
Sarah: Can I go now?
Me: Yeah, please do. Sarah Huckleberry Hound, everyone. She makes my headache worse.
Man down! Man down! There's this guy who lives around here who I am kinda jealous of. Maybe. Please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hello, Samuel, how are you?
Samuel: Splendid, sir, how are you?
Me: I'm good. So, what are you up to?
Samuel: I just purchased a packet Mint Milano cookies. Want one?
Me: Maybe after I'm done.
Samuel: Terrific. They are a rare treat when you were given one. I am sure they were only for royalty.
Me: Ummm... maybe. Samuel Phancy, the fanciest man in town, kids.
Today's word is...
Avoidable
What a bullfighter tries to do.
Everything sounds four times as powerful with the word "industrial" place in front of it. Industrial steel. Industrial engineering. Industrial revolution. Industrial power metal. Industrial accident.
Phact 1. Spiders can get high and build different webs on weed, caffeine, mescaline, and LSD.
Phact 2. In 2011, a study found that individuals with high social anxiety had high empathy. The study found that high empathy may make socially anxious individuals more sensitive and attentive to other people’s states of mind. –
Phact 3. All humans have a magnetic bone in their upper sinus, at the point thought of as the third eye.
Phact 4. Of the top eight largest rivers by the volume of water discharge, the Amazon River is bigger than all the others combined.
Phact 5. Aircraft black boxes are designed to be able to withstand the pressure of being a mile underwater for up to 30 days. In the case of the Airbus box on Air France 447, it spent over two-and-a-half years at over 3 miles deep and investigators were still able to determine the cause of the accident.
Oh, man, you don't know how thrilled I am. Today's pheatured guest is is an English actor, producer and author. He has appeared in more than 130 films in a career spanning 70 years and is considered a British film icon. His latest book Blowing the Bloody Doors Off: And Other Lessons in Life is the 95th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Michael Caine.
Me: Hello, Michael, welcome to the Phile. I really can't believe you are here. How are you?
Michael: Thank you very much.
Me: So, before we start I have to tell you a story... in the late 80s when I went to school in Burford, England myself and a friend would sneak down to the local pub in the village. We would take off our school jackets and tie's and sit down and have a pint. Well, we did that one time and we heard a Cockney accent say to us, "Shouldn't you lads be in school?" We turned around and it was you... you were sitting alone in the pub, wearing a gray jacket, drinking a beer or something and smoking a cigar. My friend and I couldn't believe it and almost shit ourselves. Hahaha. We quickly left the pub and went back up the hill and went back to school. Of course we couldn't tell this story to anybody else. Years later before my dad passed away I told him, and I told it to a few friends over the years. My friend Rich loves that story. Do you remember that at all?
Michael: Yes, Jason, I vaguely remember something like that. I did spend some time in Burford in the Cotswolds and had a lovely time there.
Me: Okay, let's talk about your book, Blowing the Bloody Doors Off: And Other Lessons in Life. It's a book where you give advice from yourself and advice from other people. Can you tell the story of how John Wayne gave you advice once?
Michael: Yeah. I just made Alfie and I was in Hollywood in the Beverly Hills Hotel with nothing to do. I was going to do a movie with Shirley MacLaine and she was late coming there and I didn't know anybody. I used to sit in the lobby looking for movie stars and I spotted John Wayne. He was registering in the hotel, and he looked at me, and said to me, "What's your name, kid?" I said, "Michael Caine." He said, "You in that movie Alfie? You're going to be a star kid." I said, "Thank you, Mr. Wayne." He said, "But let me give you some advice. Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much.' And he looked down at my shoes, and I was wearing suede shoes, and he said, "And never wear suede shoes." I said, "Why not?" He said, "Because I just told you, you're going to be famous. And you're going to be taking a pee in the gent's toilet and the man next to you is going to recognize you, and turn, and he's going to pee all over your shoes, so don't wear suede shoes, kid."
Me: Hahaha. What was it like for you when you first came to America and Hollywood?
Michael: I was stunned in Hollywood when I went there because I've been a film fan all my life. I particularly would go there and meet them. It was amazing.
Me: John Wayne gave you advice even near death, right?
Michael: Oh, yeah. My wife had appendicitis and she was in hospital and I went to visit her and John Wayne was dying in the next room. We used to walk up and down in the corridor. He wore pajamas and a dressing gown and a cowboy hat in the hospital. He was dying and he said, "Never worry about dying, kid, just get on with your life. Just do what you want to do because we're all going to die, you know that." And I said, "Yes, John." We said good-bye and I never saw him again.
Me: Awe. So, do you still wear suede shoes?
Michael: I threw all my suede shoes away. Well, I gave them away actually, let other people take a pee over their shoes. No one was going to do it because I gave them away to unknown people. One the infamous should wear suede shoes.
Me: There's a piece of advice I loved in the book and that's about when you were playing a drunk on stage. That shaped your acting career forever, am I right?
Michael: It did. The first little theatre I was in as a an actor I was playing a drunk and we were rehearsing and I came on and started and the producer said, "Wait a minute, what are you doing?" I said, "I'm a drunk in this." He said, "No, you're not a proper drunk. A drunk is a man who is trying to speak clearly and walk straight. You are an actor who is trying to mumble and walk crooked." And the other one he said to me a little later I had s scene in a play where I had to cry. And I was "crying" and again he stopped me and said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm crying in this scene." He said, "You're supposed to be a man crying. When a man cried he would anything not to cry. You are an actor who is doing anything not to cry. You are an actor who is doing anything to try to cry." He said, "You got it all wrong." So he told me movie acting in two sentences.
Me: So, I take it you have to act inside of you so to speak, am I right?
Michael: Yeah, I do. One of the things that I got to remember when if I'm releasing and something when I was in the theatre I used to look at myself in the mirror and rehearse. An experienced actor once said to me, "Never look at the mirror and never have anyone read your lines back at you to rehearse." He said, "You got to remember, when you hear the lines it's conversation in a movie, that's the first time you ever heard that man say that. You just have to know the answer to what he said."
Me: In the book you talk about "using your difficultly." What does that mean?
Michael: It goes for life in general, I get in a terrible situation, what can I make out of it.
Me: You said that when you have to be sad you think of growing up in London during World War ll... can you tell me a little more about that?
Michael: I was a Londoner and I was six when the war started and twelve when it ended. I was evacuated a lot of the time. I was very lucky.
Me: My parents also talked about that time and talked about the Blitz. Do you remember it?
Michael: Yeah, the Blitz wasn't continuous, there was always gaps because they used to change their weapons. They'd be high explosives, doodlebugs, and then the last one which was the most worse one which were the rockets.
Me: Is it a strange feeling to keep in touch with some of the most traumatic things in your life to do your acting? Does that make sense?
Michael: Oh, yeah, but I have an incident I have never told anybody, including my wife who I have been married to for about 48 years, what I do to make me cry. I think of something in my life and I burst into tears. It wasn't even horrible or terrible, it was just very, very sensitive that's all.
Me: So, you never told anyone? You can tell me... hahaha.
Michael: No, I never told a soul. If I tell someone I won't be able to do it.
Me: So, most people would like to bury the bad stuff. I know I do. You're not like that though, right?
Michael: No, I'm a method actor. I have to live on what happened in my life.
Me: What do you think growing up during the war did for you as an actor?
Michael: It taught me every experience that I could feel. Right through great joy and and terrible agony and extreme fear. There was terrible agony when the war started, fear all the way through it, and incredible joy when it was finished. So everything was in the extreme. A reporter once asked, "What is it about all you guys in the 60s?" What it was was people like me, I was the oldest of the 60s lot, I was born during the depression in the 30s, then through six through twelve I was in the war, when I was eighteen they sent me to fight in Korea... when I got home the 50s in London the rationing was still on, the place was like a morgue, it was all ruins, and we were burning coal for heating so there was smog every day. Every single day there was smog. It was a disgusting place to be. When we got to the 60s Khrushchev said, "We have an atom bomb... you've got four minutes to live." So I suppose we all thought if we have four minutes to live we might as well have a good time. I always say that's how the 60s happened, we all had a fabulous time.
Me: Ha. My parents did, I was born in '68. Did you like the 60s, sir?
Michael: We were all exactly the same. The 60s wasn't mastered by anybody, nobody thought of it while it was going on, nobody wrote about it. It was just thousands and thousands of working class people who said I had enough and we went out and did what we wanted to do. The thing about the 60s was everybody I met who was completely unknown became famous. I was sharing a flat with my friend Terrence Stamp and he had a brother and I was sitting with him and I said, "What do you want to do with your life?" He said, "I'm going to become a music manager." I said, "Oh, really?" I thought oh, god blimey, a 20-year-old Cockney boy, ill-edicated and everything, he never want to grammar school. So I said, "Well, good luck." And I forgot about it. He said, "Me and my mate we've found an act last night in the pub." I said, "Oh, really, what was it called?" He said, "The Who." They found the Who in a pub. Of course he died recently, Chris Stamp, but he died a very successful and wealthy man.
Me: That's crazy. So, do you think the whole class thing isn't as heavy as when first started?
Michael: Oh, my god no. It's still there but it has no power. Nobody takes any notice because they're a sir or something. Even I'm a sir, and I don't take much notice of me anyway.
Me: In the heading for this entry I didn't know to call you Sir Michael Caine or Michael Caine. I had the same thought when I interviewed Paul McCartney. What do you prefer?
Michael: Everybody calls me Michael, I don't use the title.
Me: So, in the 90s you were going to retire from acting but someone talked you out of retiring, am I right?
Michael: Yeah, that's right. When I was about 60 or 61 or something like that I got a script from a producer and I sent it back, I didn't want to do it, the part was to small. He sent it back and said, "I didn't want you to read the lover, I wanted you to read the father." And so I suddenly realised I'm not the lover anymore. If I was going to be a movie star, I've got to get the girl. Now I'm going to be the father of the girl. I thought the hell with that and so I retired. I went to Miami, I bought an apartment, and spent the winter in Miami. I stayed in London as well. I had a restaurant in London and a restaurant in Miami and that was a success and I wrote my autobiography which was the end of my career which was called The Elephant To Hollywood. Because I come from a place in London called the Elephant and Castles. I thought that was a good title, The Elephant to Hollywood. So, I was writing my book and Jack Nicholson was living there and we met and we became friends and suddenly he came to me and said, "I've got a script, there's a good part in it for you." It was called Blood and Wine, it wasn't the starring part, obviously Jack was the star. So I thought I'll do this, it's very good, and what I done is I made a mistake of retiring too soon. Because I went on to get a second Academy Award for The Cider House Rules, I made three Batman's and three other marvelous pictures with Christopher Nolan and I had a wonderful life, I'm still working. I'm 85-years-old and I thought what a terrible mistake I made in retiring in that time. Then there was another thing why I wrote the book is from a mistake by somebody else, by several people actually, I was watching TV and there was a load of young people being asked what they wanted to do with their lives. Everyone was saying their career but I noticed several of them said they wanted to be rich and famous. Which I said this is entirely the wrong attitude, when I started as an actor I just came home from Korea and I didn't know it but I had malaria which has an incubation period. I collapsed in Korea with malaria, came out of the hospital thin and looking haggard with a very strong Cockney accent. I've became an actor not to become rich and famous, I've became an actor knowing I'd never be rich and famous. It was obvious, I couldn't do it, I couldn't make it. I became it to be the best I possibly could be at something which I wanted to do which is to be an actor. That's all I aver did, and I only ever compared myself to my last performance. I didn't compare myself to other people because they'd always be better actors than me and worse actors than me. And the point I wanted to get across to young people was to go ahead and do what they wanted to do and fame would take its course. If you got it you got it, and you haven't touched didn't have it anyway.
Me: Why did you want to do it if you knew it would be such a struggle?
Michael: Because I enjoyed doing it. I was an amateur actor when I I was younger, before I went into the Army. In the youth club I was an amateur actor. The alternative was to work in a factory. When I first became an actor I was working in a butter factory, packing butter. Fame never occurred to me. All that ever occurred to me was to be as good as I possibly could in what I chosen to do, which was a lesson.
Me: What was it like when you were offered Alfred in the Batman movies?
Michael: It was one Sunday morning and I was walking past the front door of my house in the country which is glass and I saw this man standing there with a script in his hand. I answered the door to him, and he came in and I didn't know who he was until he said the films that he done. And he done three of the great films that I've seen and he said he was Christopher Nolan. I said, "What do you want me to do?" And he said, "It's called Batman Begins." I said, "A Batman film?" He said, "Yeah." I was thinking to myself I'm too old to play Batman, who am I going to be? Am I going to be the Butler? So I said, "What do you want me to play?" He said, "The butler." I said, "Oh, really, what do I say, dinner is served? Would you like another glass of red wine?" He said, "Michael, it's deeper than that. The butler was Batman's foster father when his father died." Then he said, "Would you read the script?" I said, "Yeah." He lived near me then in the country in England. I said, "My driver will bring it over to you in the morning." He said, "No, I want you to read it now, I'm taking it with me." I didn't realise what I know now Chris is every secretive about everything he did. So he had a cup of tea with my wife in the kitchen and I read it, fell in love with it, and came out and said yes, and that's how I got Batman. It started my whole new life as an old man, as an old actor. Which I've enjoyed as a young man being a young actor!
Me: What was it like working with Nolan?
Michael: He regarded me as his lucky charm but I keep saying no, it's the other way around. He's my lucky charm, I've been so lucky I've never made a flop movie.
Me: A lot of people over the years have done impressions of you over the years, but you say in the book that Peter Sellers was the first. is that true?
Michael: Yeah, Peter was a friend of mine. Peter was one of the those guys that had a lot of money and every latest thing that came out, Polaroid cameras, all those things, Peter was always the first one to have them and he was the first one to have an answer machine on the phone. I called him one day and he wasn't in and he answered in my "voice" and said, "Peter Sellers is not in, not many people know that."
Me: Hahaha. Why do a lot of people impersonate you?
Michael: I don't know. A very easy accent I suppose.
Me: People I know impersonate me all the time. Especially at work. Do you do anybody?
Michael: No, I'm not good at that. Who would I do? John Houston. I said to John when we were making The Man Who Would Be King, I said to John one day, "John, you never give me any directions." He said, "Michael, you don't need me to tell you what to do. You get paid a great deal go money to do this."
Me: Hahaha. Do you ever get sick of the impressions?
Michael: Oh, no, I think it's a massive compliment. It's also been very good to me, it keeps me being well known. I'll tell you another thing, playing someone like Alfred in Batman I am known to a whole young generation of people.
Me: You say in the book that you observe people. I do that a lot. Do you think it's the same now with people than it was when you started out?
Michael: Oh, no, its changed. Everybody is much more free now in the way they do things. On the tube, I used to go on the tube, I can't go on it anymore, I haven't been on it for years, but I'd watch people on the tube when I was a young actor to see their gestures, About three years ago they built a big railway station near when I live in London. On the same line, one stop up they built a great big shopping centre. I got on the train to go to the shopping centre with my wife, it was one one stop, about ten minutes. So I was watching the people and what I noticed what everyone was in charge of their own destiny. There were not servants there, there was no service in mind about people, who was posher, who was middle class, who was working class. Nobody gave a damn you we were. That's what had changed, nobody cares anymore if they're this or they're that. What they care about what they are doing with their lives, which is fantastic.
Me: Do you think things are getting better?
Michael: Oh, I think it's wonderful.
Me: Michael, thanks so much for being on the Phile. This is such a big deal for me. Take care and please come back again one day.
Michael: Thank you, sir.
That was great. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guest Michael Caine. I just interviewed Michael Bloody Caine! And he vaguely remembers me. Ha! The Phile will be back on Wednesday with musician Punky Meadows. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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