Now it cuts like a knife but it feels so right Yeah, it cuts like a knife. Oh, but it feels so right. Haha. Hi, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. So, did you see last nights "Game of Thrones"? I never watched an episode but I read about it this morning. If you're a "Game of Thrones" fan who hasn't watched the most recent episode then while I do question how true of a fan you are, I'm morally obligated to warn you there are spoilers ahead. If you do, however, manage to get through the day without finding out what happened in the hour and thirty minutes of battle, that's almost as impressive as your new queen, Arya. Arya showed the Night King, leader of the white walkers and overall creepy as hell zombie dude, that the living are here to stay. Considering he has a magical army full of dead people, this battle was a real long shot. Even with two dragons, it seemed for awhile that everyone was just going to die and HBO was going to disappoint you all and make the rest of the season about the Night King. Fortunately for you, Arya turned him into a scattered puddle of ice chips with some swift two-handed knife work while she was being choked. There you go.
Melania Trump, Donald Trump's First Lady and Third Wife, is a deeply weird person. Before she became First Lady and was merely parroting her husband's racist conspiracy theories on TV, she mused about the inner lives of whales. Her anti-bullying initiative, Be Best, has proven to be as effective as it is grammatically correct, seeing as she pretends to share a bed with the world's most notorious cyberbully. Her official White House portrait is part of the Muppet Babies Cinematic Universe. Her behavior is so bizarre, people assume that she has a body double. She also famously wore a jacket that said "I Really Don't Care, Do U?" on her way to meet children kept in camps on the U.S.-Mexico border. To celebrate her 49th birthday, the White House put out a picture of Melania that highlights that people take pictures in rooms that she sits in. Namely, the Oval Office.
You'd think that to inspire awe in the First Lady, the White House would want to put forth a picture of her doing something or speaking to someone, but no: here she is on a couch. What are they trying to say with this photo, other than "please Photoshop jokes into this"? Is this to remind us of hour much attention, the president, gets? Nothing says happiness like being alone, on a couch, with people literally looking past you.
Gather round, dear children, for a tale so rife with foolishness it defies logic. A man who claimed to be "volunteering" abroad in Israel solicited his Facebook network for funds, saying he had a mere $600 in his possession and "every place is expensive." I have no idea of the currency exchange rate, but that's a moot concern, as it ends up the man wasn't volunteering at all. His work gave him an allowance, lodging, utilities including Internet, and a local family that ensured his welfare. I guess you shouldn't fraudulently panhandle on Facebook if you're friends with your boss? You also shouldn't fraudulently panhandle on Facebook, period. Feast your eyes upon this fuckery, friends...
Oops! Not exactly outstanding foresight with this guy. Perhaps Facebook wasn't the ideal forum for his begging. The only upside I can identify here? At least he didn't try to crowdfund. No GoFundMes were created in the process, and for that we can thank goddesses. His pride must've been hurt, however. The embarrassment of A) begging for money could only be compounded by B) being unmasked as a liar by your (former) employer. Ouch. That said, zero sympathy for someone with deceptive intentions... and poor judgment. He was asking for it, really.
Oh, man. Olivia Munn's response to fashion critics The Fug Girls prompted a mass dragging. If you read Olivia Munn" and thought, "Who?" you're probably not alone. Allow me, intrepid entertainment blogger, to refresh your memory.
If you're an OG Munnhead, you might recall her co-hosting "Attack of The Show!" on G4, which covered pop culture, technology, and gaming. Olivia first gained prominence as a correspondent on "The Daily Show" during the Jon Stewart Era. Her hiring helped inspire a spicy Jezebel post that spurred female "Daily Show" staffers to defend their employer and work environment. After much ado about something... or nothing, depending on who you ask... she impressed critics and audiences alike with her performances in Magic Mike and HBO's "The Newsroom." She acts, models, and dates hot people... all standard celeb fare. However, Olivia's making headlines this week for messing with the wrong fashion bloggers. The Fug Girls, a.k.a. Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan, have been covering celebrity style since the early 2000s. Apparently Olivia didn't appreciate their take on her Apex for Youth Awards look and responded via "short essay" on Twitter.
Maybe Olivia assumed fans would rally around her and signal boost her criticism. In that case, she underestimated how beloved... and legitimate the Fug Girls are considered in both fandom and media circles. People characterized her response as not just an overreaction, but an incident of "punching down" at critics with lower public profiles. Much like her suit, it didn't make for a great look. Not that Olivia didn't have her defenders. Anthony Rapp, best known for originating the role of Mark in Rent, offered a counterargument. But those opinions were in the minority and easily drowned out by takedown after takedown. My favorites highlighted Olivia's hypocrisy as a woman whose career is buoyed by her appearance and partially owes her success to media coverage of it. The human part of me wants to shake her and say, "Girl, turn off your Google alerts, go to therapy, and don't 'write' anything on the Internet again." But the blogger part of me wants her to remain foolish and self-indulgent so I'll always have material. So with that in mind, my official stance is: you do you, Olivia. I've never gotten sick of your persona and its ambivalent-at-best attitude toward women's empowerment. Keep making public mistakes, and come on the Phile sometime.
Nashville was packed downtown Thursday night for the 2019 NFL Draft, and it was a beautiful sight for just about every football fan. Apparently these two aren’t football fans.
A bride and bridesmaid were pissed when they ventured downtown to hit the bars only to find tens of thousands of rowdy football fans blocking off the streets and overtaking the bars. The two, with the most “Can we speak to the manager” faces ever, were interviewed by a local news station about their situation. At least they’ll be able to cry alongside us Giants fans. Thoughts and prayers.
Instead of doing this blog I should be listening to this album...
Maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would go to Las Vegas in the 50s but would probably end up in someone's house as the mother and son are looking out the window at a nuclear test.
I don't know if you now your neighbors, but I wonder if they ever wrote a note like this one...
I got a little sunburnt yesterday but glad it didn't look like this...
If you go to the beach you might see this sign this summer...
If you're thinking of cheating on your loved one you might wanna think twice after seeing this...
Never give your girl your log-in. So, Fox News contributor Lawrence Jones III is back at the border preparing to enter a war zone.
I hope he's safe. So, I mentioned at the top of the Phile "Game of Thrones." Well, here's a screenshot of Arya chilling after destroying the dead army single handedly...
That's not what I thought the pic would look like. So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn free and so easy. The problem is if you're at work or school you can get in trouble, so I came up with a solution.
You're welcome, ladies. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...
The Top Phive Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account
5. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
4. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
3. When you log on, your computer says, "You've got lawsuits!"
2. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
And the number sign that someone is using your e-mail account is...
1. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
Hahahaha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, it's time for some sex advice from...
Me: Hello, professor, how are you?
Liz: Hiya, Jason. I am good.
Me: So, what do you have to tell us today?
Liz: Well, I read in a book once that woman either have their period on the full moon or the new moon. I actually believed this for years. Then one day I was out with my mom and I saw the full moon. I said, "I guess all us women are having a bad day today."
Me: What? What did she say?
Liz: She was like, "What do you mean?" I said, "Because all women have their periods when the moon is full." She laughed. "We're not frickin' werewolves!"
Me: Hahahaha. What did you say after that?
Liz." Oh." Haha. So, is women don't get periods when the moon is full or new. Why a new moon anyway? What happened to the old moon?
Me: Ummm... I don't have an answer. Thanks for that advice, professor. That was sex-ed with Professor Liz Chickasaw, kids.
Used to pass out at the bar, now he can’t even stay awake on the couch.
Some kind of magic. Are you sick? Have you been coughing? I hope not. Anyway, a friend of the Phile has something to say about this. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...
Good afternoon, humans. Who raises these fucking people? What makes people think it is even remotely acceptable to projectile cough, with no attempt to cover their mouths? You’re in public, you cretan. There are other human beings near you that may not wish to be infected with whatever plague you’re carrying around. And there you are... walking around, spewing God knows what onto everything you’re near. You don’t make even the slightest attempt to cover your mouth and/or nose while you’re bathing everything in your disgusting sputum. I mean... I’d settle for you coughing into your elbow on your sleeve... SOMEthing. ANYthing besides projectile launching your germs, spit and mucus in my general direction. Come to think of it... perhaps I should treat it like I would any other physical assault. Maybe I should smash you in the beak and drop you to your knees, all cryin’ and bleeding. I mean, really... you’re assaulting me. I do have a right to defend myself... or maybe you can just cover your mouth, when you cough...’coz that’d be great too. #CoverYourFuckinMouth.
I regret to inform you that Donald Trump spent two hours speaking about some of his favorite topics Saturday at a rally in Wisconsin. Within this two hour spiel, Trump managed to refer to the FBI as "scum," falsely claim that Democrats execute their babies after they have been born (this is his idea of how abortion works), and brag about how relocating undocumented immigrants to sanctuary cities was his "sick idea." And he didn't stop there, if you can believe. Trump continued to get the crowd all riled up by talking about how Democrats are trying to "take away your guns." The twist? These comments came mere hours after a gunman had opened fire at a synagogue in California. The rally goers were enthused by Trump's words, but some people on the Internet had a different take. I guess we'll all have to wait and see if the Twilight Zone gets renewed for another season or canceled indefinitely. Stay tuned!
The 97th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Salman will be the guest on the Phile tomorrow. Now for some...
Phact 1. Google effect is the tendency to forget information that can be easily found using Internet search engines such as Google, instead of remembering it.
Phact 2. Nikola Tesla planned to secretly experiment on children, lining the walls of schoolrooms with high-voltage lines, believing that exposing them to the energy would make them healthier and smarter, and he believed every home in the future would soon do likewise.
Phact 3. Mr. Rogers sued the KKK for impersonating him.
Phact 4. The Millennium Falcon has a rectangular antenna in The Force Awakens. That’s because it lost its original antenna in the Battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi.
Phact 5. Your resting tongue position differs based on what your first language is: English speakers tend to keep their tongues towards the top of their mouths.
Today's pheatured guest is a Canadian singer, songwriter, record producer, guitarist, and now Broadway songwriter. He co-wrote the music for the Broadway musical Pretty Woman: The Musical. Please welcome to the Phile... Bryan Adams.
Me: Hey, Bryan, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Bryan: I am doing okay.
Me: So, you co-wrote the score for a musical based on the movie Pretty Woman. That's really odd to me. Did you always want to write for a Broadway show?
Bryan: You have to make your luck this world, so I like the idea of having a project so that's why I put myself forward. Plus I like having the idea as a songwriter stretching myself and I've done all kinds of things over the years aside from my records, you know, working in film and animated films and that sort of thing. So Broadway always to me seemed like the sort of holy grail of songwriting.
Me: Are you much of a musical guy, Bryan? Do you see a lot of them?
Bryan: It depends. I've seen Come From Away.
Me: Oh, cool. I just know what the poster of it looks like... blue background and yellow writing. I think it's about an island. So, is writing a musical fun?
Bryan: Yeah, the idea of pushing my writing craft to another level. When I started out as a musician musical theatre was on my radar except for maybe Jesus Christ Superstar.
Me: So, how did you get the job for this show, Bryan?
Bryan: When it came time to meet everybody who was involved with the initial production, I'm course talking about Garry Marshall, Jerry Mitchell, and Paula Wagner, the producers and director, I went in there with my co-writer Jim Vallance and just before the meeting we prepared three songs which we thought would be the right direction for what we thought would be cool for a musical. When we came in we played the songs for everybody and then the director said, "Okay, we need you two guys to leave the room. So we could talk about you. Bye-bye." I'm not kidding, that's exactly what he said. So we walked from the Upper West Side back down to Soho in New York and by time I got back to the hotel Paula had called me to say, "We'd like you to do this if you're interested."
Me: Haha. What did you think of that back then?
Bryan: Well, it was kind of like an audition if I'm being honest.
Me: So, were you surprised you got the job? I wonder of any other 90s rock stars auditioned.
Bryan: I don't know. There's an expression called "show willing" and I wanted to "show willing" so I gathered up a few things that we thought would be great. At least as a starting point and so that's what got us the job.
Me: The song that Vivian sings, "I Can't Go Back" sounds so much like one of your songs. Who plays Vivian in the show?
Bryan: Samantha Barks. She's amazing.
Me: You've done a lot of soundtracks in the past like you mentioned and animated films, did all that help you write for a Broadway stage?
Bryan: Broadway is very much a group thing so I'll sit down with the director and the book writer, and co-writer. Luckily we worked with Garry Marshall for a year or two which was wonderful. It was his dream to bring his film, which he directed originally, to the Broadway stage. So for a year we had this wonderful dialogue about what he envisioned for each scene and he was extremely helpful in directing us about what he wanted to do. Sadly he died in the middle of the production. That gave us even more motivation to make us make his dream come true. We had a design from the book writer on how they saw each and whereabouts it fit into the musical.
Me: The times are so different now than it was when the movie came out, with the way woman are treated and things like that. Is that something that you thought about when you were writing the songs?
Bryan: Well, I was reminded about it quite often because we would have these meetings about it. But ultimately there was no way we were going to get around this fact that the songs and the production is about that story, it's about a street working woman, a prostitute meeting a billionaire. Let's not candy coat this, this is exactly what it is. But how we say that and where the story starts is another story. We come to Vivian in where she is pretty much in her mind decided she doesn't want to be this person anymore. The second song in the show is "Anywhere But Here," "I don't want to be here anymore and there's go to be somewhere better " So she knows in her heart this is what she wants and it's about finding that. That's the essence of the story and that's where I focused on. There are stories like this that's been put to the stage and it's okay, it's real life.
Me: You scored this show with Jim Vallance who wrote "Heaven" and "Summer of '69" with you. And he also collaborated with you on "Cuts Like a Knife," one of my favorite songs of yours. Do you remember the first time you met Jim?
Bryan: Sure I do. We met each other in a music store in Vancouver. He was chatting up a girl that I knew. She was a classical musician and she introduced us. I just turned 18 when I met him. Jim was a very well known studio drummer and I said, "Let's have a tea sometime. Talk music." He said, "Alright, okay." Literally the very first time we got together we wrote a song.
Me: When did you know that this was going to be something special?
Bryan: When I left the music store. Maybe it's love at first sight.
Me: What is a typical songwriting session with him like?
Bryan: A sandwich and a cup of tea. There was all kind of rituals that used to happen. But certainly a fed Vallance is definitely a much happier Vallance.
Me: Is it still like that?
Bryan: Pretty much, yeah. He's either thinking about food or eating food. Hahaha.
Me: Me too. So, what's this story that you accidentally hung up on Luciano Pavarotti? Is that true?
Bryan: Not exactly, no. He managed to get my phone number somehow, I thought it was a prank call, because it was a really strong Italian accent. "I am Luciano Pavarotti..." "Yeah. Okay. Who is this?" "No, I am Luciano Pavarotti!"
Me: You didn't hang up right then?
Bryan: No, I didn't hang up at all because I realised it was him. I said, "Hit me that A then, go on!" I worked out that it was him.
Me: Why did he call you, Bryan?
Bryan: He asked me to come perform at a TV show he was doing in Modena in Italy. I wasn't so sure about it. I said, "I'll think about it." I ended up doing it because he ended up saying something to me which was significant. He said, "One day you will need me and I will be there for you." I thought, wow, my father loved opera, I thought I'll get them together, that'll be really fun. Sadly Luciano passed away and that dream never happened. But the sweet story is my father passed away recently and on his death bed I played with some Luciano. So Luciano was there for me at the end.
Me: I have to show a pic of you and Luciano together.
Me: You recorded a song with him, right? What do you remember about doing that?
Bryan: I remember that I could not believe I was singing live on Italian television. I just thought I must be out of my mind.
Me: Did your father hear that duet between you two?
Bryan: He was there.
Me: What did he say?
Bryan: I'll tell you what he said, he said, "You tell Luciano I bought his very first record." I said to Luciano, "You know my father bought your very first album." Luciano said, "It's impossible." I said, "Okay, you're going to meet him in ten seconds and he's gonna tell ya." My father walked in and said, "Y'know, Luciano, I bought your very first record." He goes, "What is my very first record?" And he said, "It was 'Donizetti.'" He said, "My God." And he gave my father this huge hug. From that moment on it was like we were a whole family.
Me: Did that mean a lot to you?
Bryan: Totally. Totally, it was amazing. It was incredible. The fact that I had any hesitation working with Luciano has me scratching my head as we've became very close, In fact, as we were recording in Jamaica in the middle of the 90s I heard that Luciano was coming. I had been living in a house on the north coast and hr moved into the hotel next door and so I went to visit him and I walked into his room and without a word of a lie the main table was boxes and boxes of spaghetti, canned tomato sauce and large wheel of parmesan cheese. So he literally shipped in all this food from Italy and I said, "Luciano, do you want to come over for dinner?" And he goes, "I will cook!" That photograph you showed you could see Luciano and I hanging out in the kitchen of myself in Jamaica. He was cooking spaghetti for twenty people.
Me: Not many people like you try new things musically, Bryan. Why do you like to do that?
Bryan: I don't know. I just like pushing myself into places that are unfamiliar. I think it's an important thing, not only as a musician but as a human being, never to be complacent, and always to be grateful.
Me: You recently performed with Taylor Swift singing "Summer of '69." What was that experience like performing with someone so young?
Bryan: The cool thing about doing that with Taylor was I got to sing harmony on that song opposed to singing the lead vocal. It's never been a song with two people, it's always just been me and my guitar sort of. Her band did a great job, that's all I can tell you.
Me: I have to ask you about Aretha Franklin... you wrote a song for her called "Never Gonna Break My Faith" for the movie Bobby. Did you ever get to meet her?
Bryan: Of course, yeah. Seriously I'll never know how I could say how grateful I was to have Aretha sing that song. It was almost designed for her. I've got a recording of her singing the song that's never been released. It's from another place, that girl could really, really sing.
Me: What was she like?
Bryan: Lovely, she's a musician, your father was a musician, and he was all right. It's a fraternity, there's like an almost acceptance right away with musicians amongst musicians.
Me: When you travel around the world does it amaze you that people know your songs?
Bryan: It does. And I often laugh with Vallance about it because to stare across the room at him it'll make me laugh because it's been a great ride. The fact that we can get inspiration and still do it it's extraordinary and so lucky.
Me: That's cool. Thanks, Bryan, for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun and I hope you'll come back again soon to talk about your latest album.
Bryan: Thanks, man.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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