Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? Congratulations on making it to August without doing a single summer activity. In our world in which the president is being sued by porn stars, the political discourse was missing one thing: the huge, pulsing phallus of a humanoid gorilla. Leslie Cockburn, Democratic candidate to represent Virginia's 5th Congressional District in the United States House of Representatives got Twitter all hot and bothered when she tweeted out a screenshot of her opponent allegedly hyping up his Yeti erotica collection.
Cockburn wrote, referring to a video of Republican Denver Riggleman on the campaign trail with Isaac Smith, co-founder of a white supremacist group. It turns out that when Riggleman isn't hanging with his friends, fantasizing about a white ethno-state, he's jerkin' it to the "mating habits of Bigfoot," checking out what's behind that censored box. Cockburn shared screenshots of not one, but TWO, sexy Bigfoot pictures on Riggleman's Instagram, which has since been set to private. The Huffington Post reports that Riggleman has long been devoted to the mythology and majesty of Bigfoot, having co-wrote a book a decade ago called Bigfoot Exterminators Inc.: The Partially Cautionary, Mostly True Tale of Monster Hunt 2006. That tome, however, is fun for the whole family. "Bigfoot" quickly started trending on Twitter, as people marveled at what American politics has become. Who would have thought that the candidate named Cockburn would be the one less publicly associated with erotica?
The Duchess of Sussex formerly known as Meghan Markle may have married into the world's most famous dysfunctional family, but the crotchety Prince Charles is still an upgrade from her real dad. Thomas Markle continues to sell out his daughter for fame and presumably fortune, this time sitting with the notorious Daily Mail for a nine-hour interview. Nine hours?! That's more than a whole day's work! Papa Markle kvetched that he has no way of contacting Meghan and that she doesn't contact him anymore, which is hardly a surprise when he's giving interviews like this. He told The Daily Mail, "I tell you, I've just about reached my limit with Meghan and the Royal Family. They want me to be silent, they want me to just go away. But I won't be silenced. I refuse to stay quiet. What riles me is Meghan's sense of superiority. She'd be nothing without me. I made her the Duchess she is today. Everything that Meghan is, I made her. Perhaps it would be easier for Meghan if I died," the drama queen said. He even had the chutzpah to mention Princess Diana! "Diana would have loathed the way I’ve been treated," he added. She also would have loathed the way he betrayed his daughter and bad-mouthed her to the media. Teigen tweeted that Markle sucks, so he really must be the worst. People are siding with Meghan in what Mr. Markle so clearly wants to be a full-blown feud. Shut it down, dad.
Ivanka Trump has emerged from her Kalorama cocoon to deliver the most basic, mealy-mouthed statement about her father's family separation policy that launched a human rights crisis at the U.S.-Mexico border. After being warned that separating migrant children from their parents would cause "'traumatic psychological injury' to children," the Trump Administration (which includes Ivanka) did just that, and Ivanka wants you to know that while thousands of children are scarred for life, it's been really hard for her, personally. Ivanka said that the family separations "was a low point for me as well," using the past tense even though a third of the children are still not reunited with their parents. While a lot of the headlines stop there, Ivanka went on to blame the parents whose children were snatched for having had that happen to them, repeating the right-wing talking point that NOT kidnapping children incentivizes illegal immigration. "I am a daughter of an immigrant, my mother grew up in Communist Czech Republic, but we are a country of laws. We have to be very careful about incentivizing behavior that puts children at risk of being trafficked, at risk of entering this country with coyotes or making an incredibly dangerous journey alone," she said. Um, what? What was that about coyotes? Did Betsy DeVos tell you to say that? Note: "Coyotes" does not refer to literal coyotes, but the people who facilitate human smuggling into the United States. However, I couldn't resist the opportunity to bring up DeVos's weird grizzly comments. There has to be a way to be a "country of laws" without torturing children right? RIGHT? Also, contrary to popular belief, seeking asylum is not a crime. But it's important to remember who the real victim of this crisis, okay? The crisis is ongoing... either Ivanka doesn't actually care about the children, or it was a "low point" because of her brand. I If she cares about the kids, is she going to do something to shine a light on or stop their suffering? Yeah, probably not.
When it comes to racism, the NFL is striking out. I realize using a baseball analogy in reference to football might be tacky, but so is defending racist mascots for decades. So, potato, potato. One of the most sustained arguments circling around the NFL's racism is the continued use of the Washington Redskins logo. The combination of the slur and caricature of Native Americans has brought on a lot of justified critique and protest, both from Native American leaders, and well, anyone not hellbent on defending a racist logo because they fear change. Amidst the backlash, the team owner Dan Snyder has remained committed to providing yet another outlet for drunk white men to feel comfortable yelling slurs. In a clever attempt to point out the hypocrisy of NFL fans, the New York-based marketing consultant Frederick Joseph wore a t-shirt bearing a parodic "Caucasians" logo. His point was to see if white football fans responded to the racial flip. Check it out...
Despite the fact that "caucasians" is not a slur, and white people in America don't have a history of being murdered and oppressed, Joseph found that sports fans had predictably hostile responses to the t-shirt. Unfortunately, Joseph's social experiment confirmed the suspicions he already had... that many white sports can't handle a teaspoon of what they're dishing out. The image of the white man, and the word "caucasians" technically has no racist or negative historical connotations. Joseph could have easily gone for the gut and made a shirt that said "crackers" or "honkies," but he wanted to see how hypocritical people can be. America has a long and active history of logos actually mocking POC, and yet, white passersby couldn't even handle a t-shirt that said "caucasians." After sharing the responses he received on the street, Joseph posted a link so his Twitter followers can purchase the shirt if they so desire. If you're looking to test out the caliber of people around you, there are also shirts satirizing the Cleveland Indians. Instead of bearing the usual racist Wahoo caricature, these shirts show a white version of the mascot and also feature the word "Caucasians." If you want to complete the trifecta of pointing out the NFL's racism (and racism in general), then you can get another shirt satirizing the Redskins, this time with the word "Rednecks" emblazoned as a logo. As Joseph wrote in one of his tweets, if you are going to wear one of these shirts, be wary of your safety and surroundings. Sadly and unsurprisingly, people can get fairly nasty and heated when their racism is exposed.
Do you remember Morgan Freeman? This is him today...
Feel old yet? Hahaha. So, I was thinking about getting a tattoo but someone beat me to it with my idea...
Those boots though. You know, if there is a God some people strayed from his light. Like this people...
Sometimes I don't get my own jokes. Some people don't think aliens exist, but I really think they do...
See? That's not human. Speaking of aliens... I think they are real... and this pic is real...
Hmmm. Makes you think, right? So, I didn't really know what manscaping is until I saw this pic...
That's a brilliant... idea? Moving on... Recently when Trump was in England Londoners with anti-Trump signs sure were vicious... and funny.
Hahahahaha. Remember the Garbage Pail Kids trading cards? Well, there's a new series and this is one of them...
If I had a TARDIS I would think it'll be cool to see the Reds win the 1975 World Series, defeating the Boston Red Sox in a memorable 7-game World Series. But... knowing my luck I'd just end up seeing Johnny Bench enjoying his victory afterwards...
Hahaha. So, one thing I love about the Internet is you can easily look at porn. The problem is you might look at porn instead of reading this blog. So, I thought if I show a porn pic here you might keep reading. But then I thought you might be at work, or school so I came up with a solution...
You. Are. Welcome. Hey, it's Thursday. Guess what that means?
I just threw up in my mouth. Gasp. Ugh. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Stores That ID Customers
5. Traitor Joes
4. Circle KKK
3. Chin Dixie
2. Grab Pussy n Go
And the number one stores that ID's customers...
1. Aldis Indictments
apparently there's common expressions that are homophobic AF. Well, someone wanted to come onto the Phile and explain one of those words. Please welcome to the Phile for the first time...
Hello, people. Today's word is bugger. People often call a small child or bothersome animal a “little bugger.” But what they don’t know is that term comes from the English word “buggery” which means sodomy. In England, the Buggery Act of 1533 defined the practice as a crime. The word was first used as a nasty term for a Bulgarian heretical sect of the Bogomils who were said by the church to practice sodomy. So, don't say that word. Bye for now.
I don't get it. Anyway... A majority of the modern world has progressed to the fact that women are not only funny, but they're also terrifying human beings who are capable of great violence if you don't laugh at their jokes.
Ummm... Hahahahahaha. Okay, so, you know how lawyers advertise on billboards and TV, well, there's a new law firm that wants to advertise on the Phile. I said sure, whatever, and invited one of them here. So, please welcome to the Phile also for the first time (two new characters in one blog... crazy)...
Me: Hello, Mr. Buggerz, welcome to the Phile. So, how are you gonna advertise here?
Bill Buggerz: Hey, buddy, I wanna tell you what some good work our law form, Suetha, Buggerz and Wynn do.
Me: Sure. Go ahead.
Bill Buggerz: Well, my latest client was a career airline pilot. His wife worked part time so there was a huge income disparity. It was an ugly divorce. During the process but before the final decree, tax time rolled around. The wife's attorney calls my guys and says, "Her accountant just called. If they can just share their W-2's and file jointly, they each stand to save about $8000 over married filing separately." My guys took that info to the husband. He says, "Fuck her. Losing $8000 is going to be way worse for her than it will be for me." We're cold as ice, man.
Me: Ummm... is that it?
Bill Buggerz: Yeah, we rock. If you are going through a fuckin' messy divorce call Suetha, Buggerz & wynn, we're cold as ice. When is that dude from Foreigner gonna be here?
Me: A week from Monday.
Bill Buggerz: Fuckin' cool. Have a good weekend, everybody, call us. Peace out!
Me: That was odd. Bill Buggerz, kids, from the law form Suetha, Buggerz & Wynn.
President Donald Trump, populist hero and man of the people, does not know how grocery shopping works. At a rally here in Florida this week, the champion of the common man was rhyming off his standard racist fare about immigrants and alleged voter fraud, and then he said to the crowd of MAGA hats, "You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card. You need ID." No, Mr. President, I don't know.Perhaps I haven't been going to the right grocery stores, but the only card I've needed to buy produce and snacks is a credit card. Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted that by "groceries," Trump actually meant "alcohol," because there really isn't anything she won't defend. Oh, she's here and wants to talk about it. Okay, I guess...
Sarah: Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine. Hello, Jason. Sorry for interrupting your blog.
Me: You should be. I have stuff I need to do.
Sarah: After Ivanka Trump's stunning and brave declaration this morning that she doesn't believe the news media to be "the enemy of the people," I am the hero and will uphold the First Amendment as an essential tenet of American democracy. I don't take it.
Me: Sarah, do you agree with Ivanka's hot take that the press is not the enemy?
Sarah: Remember the time when I was asked to leave a restaurant?
Me: Stop kvetching, Sarah.
Sarah: It’s ironic, Jason, that not only you and the media attack the president for his rhetoric when they frequently lower the level of conversation in this country. The media has attacked me personally on a number of occasions.
Me: Surely, there are very fine people on both sides? Can you denounce the phrase "enemy of the people," which comes straight outta Stalin?
Sarah: I appreciate your passion. I share it. I’ve addressed this question. I’ve addressed my personal feelings. I’m here to speak on behalf of the president. He’s made his comments clear.
Me: You know people think you're a racist, right?
Sarah: At least she didn't make fun of anybody's eye makeup!
Me: Sheesh. Sarah Huckleberry Hound, everybody.
The 84th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
John Carter Cash will be the guest on the Phile a week from Sunday.
Phact 1. The “Golden Age Fallacy” (believing the past is better than the present) has been a popular myth that goes back as far as Ancient Greece and Prehistoric Times.
Phact 2. Denial of Holocaust is illegal in 22 countries.
Phact 3. In Maine, there was a hearsay law that Christmas decorations must be removed by January 14th or accept a fine.
Phact 4. Kosher salt is not called “Kosher” because the salt itself is specifically certified as kosher. Rather, Kosher salt got its name because this larger grained salt was used in the process of koshering meat, specifically to remove surface blood from meat.
Phact 5. A few days after the Oklahoma City Bombings, a severed left leg was found in the rubble. DNA evidence showed that it was from a victim named Lakesha Levy. When they went to return her leg, it was found that she was already buried with one. It is unknown who the buried leg belongs to.
Today's guest is a Phile Alum, actor, musician and playwright whose latest CD with the Ben Daniels Band, "Acoustic Sittin' Tour 2018" is available on iTunes and Amazon. Please welcome back to the Phile the talented... Jeff Daniels.
Me: Hello, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile, sir. How have you been?
Jeff: I'm great. Good to be back.
Me: First of I have to say congrats on your two Emmy for two different roles. You must be surprised, am I right?
Jeff: I knew it was a possibility that the roles were so outlandishly different that I might pull it off but I didn't think I would. I'm thrilled, I'm beyond thrilled.
Me: Are you rooting for one over the other?
Jeff: No, no, I'm rooting for... both. There's a friend of mine, David Harbour, who is on "Stranger Things," who did "Newsroom" together, I saw him weeks ago at a photo thing and he said, "You know, this just gives you the chance to lose twice." I thought it was hysterical. Haha.
Me: Ha. Okay, so, last time you were here and this time you are here you're here to talk about your music, not your acting. I love the new live CD "Acoustic Sittin' Tour 2018." When did you first start to write songs?
Jeff: I went places creatively that I wouldn't have gone otherwise. It became this best friend who wanted me to write this thing I was writing about that no one else would ever see. The notebook starting filling with songs like that, because I moved to New York in '76, bought that guitar and learnt how to play it in New York as I waited for acting jobs and I was around all these play writes like Lanford Wilson who went on to win a Pultitzer prize for play writing. I'm spending my work days with these guys sitting around trying to fix second acts. I fell in love with the writing process and didn't think I'd get a play produced so I thought why don't I go back learn how play the guitar and write songs like a play write would. That kind of started it and then I just enjoyed the instrument so much I kept trying to get better at that as well.
Me: Were sort of things were you writing about at that time?
Jeff: Oh, just ridiculous homesick blues and loves that have broken heart, broken my heart, get a shrink, get over it. Come on! But it was after being with those play writes and their use of imagery, how Lanford Wilson with six words say something about whatever, and only Lanford would of said it that way. That's when I stated to notice, and that's when I started to chase in my own writing before I even knew it really. I was searching, and I learnt how to do the craft of it, the technical aspects, not only of the guitar but of songwriting. How can I write that only I would say it. That's what I started to chase.
Me: What was it like playing songs up on stage for the first time?
Jeff: Initially I think it was going to be similar to acting and in some ways it is. I'm performing, I'm telling stories, with beginnings, middles and ends. But what I'm not ready for is the fact that there is no character. I'm going out there emotionally naked, especially if I'm doing some of my own stuff. It didn't dawn on me until I played a dozen shows in a flop sweat, terrified that I would find the next chord. Why am I like this with the guitar and not like that on a Broadway stage or in front of a camera? I don't get it and there was no character. I decided and determined and discovered the character was the same character I play when I go out on a talk show, either Colbert or Fallon, something like that. The character is Jeff in a good mood.
Me: Are you playing Jeff in a good mood now on the Phile? Haha.
Jeff: Oh, I'm absolutely in a good mood. Do you know what it is? It's beating the stage fright. That's what it's about, beating that judge. We talk about it in acting, where you got to fire the judge. The judge is the one going, "You know, you're just an actor. You know you can't really play the guitar. You know that, don't you?" You know that little voice? I got to get rid of him. And that's where I have to put on that character.
Me: You kind of talk about that in "In William Shatner Can, I Can Too" the very first song on your very first record. I love the line about Russell Crowe. Does he know he's mentioned?
Jeff: I was actually able to talk to Russell about that after he heard it and I had to explain myself. I had to tell him there were many celebrities mentioned in the song and the one I was making fun of the most was me. He graciously accepted that.
Me: You were making fun of actors making music. Why is that important to you?
Jeff: When I was first starting out I felt I had to address the elephant in the room. I was going to get it out ahead of them. I had some critics there who were like, "Oh, he's playing? Let's go see." I just dealt with it right of the bat. Actors are notoriously bad at this, we really are. There's a long line. I remember Telly Savalas, Kojak, had an album, Burt Reynolds had an album, it's just like what? Wait. If it looks like a cash grab it probably is but we work hard it, so if they do come in we usually beat that in the first five or ten minutes, so that is fun, I enjoy playing down to the expectation.
Me: What makes you keep going out there and doing it?
Jeff: I think what keeps getting me out there is that direct connection with the audience. It's my material, they're my jokes, and it's my night and I'm improving like this and that immediacy that can only happen in a setting where I got a guitar and I'm taking to an audience and playing to an audience. It doesn't happen with movie sets or TV sets and it doesn't happen on Broadway. I also get to do this thing that I know is going to surprise most of the people in the audience. It's special, it's really special and I don't take that kind of stuff for granted anymore, I really don't. I look forward to it.
Me: What do you think the audience expects from you when they show up at your shows?
Jeff: I don't know. I don't know what their perception of me is, what they expect. Maybe someone who has done Dumb and Dumber and "The Newsroom," who is now sitting with the guitar and he's written his own songs, maybe that's an interest because it's unknown, I don't know. Whatever brings them out I always hope to surprise them, whether it's a lyric, a song, a tome someone said, that it isn't just a throwaway evening and they also laugh harder than they have in a long time.
Me: Your first album was all funny songs. Did you do that to win them over?
Jeff: I think "win them over" is exactly the right phrase. As I look back at that it was, "Why do you think you get to do this? You're an actor. Stay in your lane. You write the William Shatner song then you see them laughing and you keep them entertained." The funny songs allowed me in, I was asking permission to do this. I'm going to entertain you, you can relax. It worked. What I knew wouldn't work was coming out there doing serious stuff. I KNEW that wouldn't work. So once I established the funny the I started dropping things in later on like "Grandfather's Hat," "Across the Way," and I start to understand they're going to allow me that now. I earned the right now to do some of the other stuff. It's a lot like the acting career, the show, from Dumb and Dumber to "The Newsroom," we try to hit those notes and everything in-between.
Me: I love the new song on the new album titled "Hard to Hear the Angels Sing." Jeff, where did that song come from?
Jeff: Well, it's a reaction to the election, Kathleen Parker, a columnist for The Washington Post, a few weeks after the election she wrote a column basically taking aim at the way he went about it. The disrespect, the lack of class, the lying, the throwing people under the bus, all that stuff. In the column she referred it it's hard to hear the angels sing. So as a writer, I learnt this from the play writes back when, keep your ears open, people are going to say things, you're going to see things, those are songs, those are poems, those are stories. Whatever those are... a play, keep your ears open, writers listen. I saw that and I said "when your bells of freedom ring it's hard to hear the angels sing." It's also a reaction to something that Frank Rich had written. Frank had written a column about six weeks after 9/11. In that column he said where are the artists. They should be illuminating, they should be writing, they should be helping us understand where we are, why we are feeling what we are feeling. Springsteen talked about being in Jersey after 9/11 and someone driving up next to him and rolling down their window and saying "we need you now" then driving away. Then Springsteen wrote "The Rising." So here we are in America, those of us who aren't on that bandwagon, and it's a way to use that guitar and ask a question. Is this who we are? Really? Really.
Me: Do you think you take the role as an artist seriously? I think so.
Jeff: I think there's away and Christine Lavin told me it's hard to write a good protest song. She may have been quoting Dave Van Ronk now I think about it. She said it to me and she said that I don't want to get on a soap box but I do want to ask questions that even they'll hear. They may ignore it, but they need to hear the question.
Me: So, after you were on the Phile last June, I was curious about "The Newsroom" and went on YouTube and looked up different scenes. I liked this one a lot...
Me: That came out in 2012. What do you think now having said that speech?
Jeff: It will outlive Aaron Sorkin and myself, whatever YouTube is 50 years from now, it will be up there. I look for things like that, they don't come around very often. I know there's a possibility they're going to out live me. Usually those things are things that say something and that says something. Very specific, very pointedly, with a lot of truth in it and truth that's hard to hear, especially in America. I've been around long enough to know that. I said before and it's true, I was waiting 35 years for that speech as an actor. I hang on to those, stuff like that. Maybe I hope "To Kill A Mockingbird" on Broadway is coming up, it's those kind of things, these say something. So I got to rise up as an actor and that day with the Northwestern speech it looks like we did.
Me: Cool. Jeff, thanks so much for being back on the Phile. Please come back again soon. You rock.
Jeff: Thanks, Jason.
Man, that was a long entry. Makes up for not having any this weekend, right? Thanks to Jeff Daniels for another great interview. The Phile will be back a week from this Sunday with John Carter Cash. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker
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