Wanna Read This With No Pants?

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet. I am your host, the Cowboy Bounty Hunter. So, I am typing this in the middle of breeze Fay. Man, I fart stronger than that wind. Tropical Storm Fay was meant to be a Hurricane, but instead turned into a prick-tease of a storm. Disney did cancel all their fireworks shows tonight, just in case Fay turned into a real bitch. Once Fay is out of our lives tomorrow, then we have to focus on the next tropical storm which is Gustuv, the German storm. Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention in Denver. They’re ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs . . . and that’s just for Bill Clinton’s room. Tropic Thunder opened last Friday. It makes fun of the war movies and all the actors that take themselves seriously. Some actors have even said to me, “You know Jason, making a movie is like going to war.” No, it’s not. It’s not even like a bitch slap. Tropical Thunder is what I call my summer turds by the way. All the late night talk shows on in repeats this week, so that's the monologue for ya.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

Fron the home office in windy Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list. Oh, by the way, the wind has really picked up here. I think a leaf almost fell off a tree.
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Weather Forecaster
10. "It looks like there's about a 70% chance of rain and about a 100% chance I'm going to get blind, stinkin' drunk tonight"
9. "It's going to be a hot one today, so use this as an opportunity to make fun of a fat guy in a tank top"
8. "I hope the heavy rains don't uncover the bodies I buried"
7. "Today I am feeling unseasonably sexy"
6. "Rain, sun, snow, sleet -- what's the difference? We're all gonna die someday"
5. "I have no idea what any of this means, I should probably take a class or something"
4. "There's a light trickle going on right now, which reminds me -- Sheila, would you get an appointment with Dr. Fisch for me"
3. "Enough with the weather, let's take a look at my recent oral surgery"
2. "After all this talk about rain, I gotta take a wicked leak"
And the number one thing you don't want to hear from your weather forcaster...
1. "Die, you millions of tiny, pathetic people, die!"

R.I.P.

Pervis Jackson: Despite his repeated assurances to the contrary, it now appears that the bass vocalist for the Spinners will not, in fact, be around.
LeRoi Moore: I'd point out that since his accident, the Dave Matthews Band has arranged for a replacement named "Jeff Coffin." Unfortunate that they couldn't find someone named "Smith" or "Jones" to take over for him.

THERE IS A GOD

John Lennon's killer was denied parole for a fifth time Tuesday by a board that said he remains a threat to the public. Mark David Chapman will remain in New York's Attica Correctional Facility for at least two more years for gunning down the former Beatle nearly three decades ago on a Manhattan sidewalk. Chapman, 53, has been in prison for 27 years since pleading guilty to the murder, which he has said he committed to gain attention. He became eligible for parole in 2000 after serving 20 years of a maximum life sentence. In a one-page decision issued after Chapman's appearance Tuesday, parole board members said they denied his parole "due to concern for the public safety and welfare." The parole board said the although Chapman has had a clean disciplinary record since 1994, he told board members during the hearing that he planned and conducted Lennon's killing "with an essentially clear mind." A transcript of the 36-minute hearing, conducted by two parole board members, was not immediately available. Chapman, a former maintenance man from Hawaii, fired five shots outside Lennon's apartment building on Dec. 8, 1980, hitting Lennon four times in front of his wife, Yoko Ono, and others. Ono, who has previously written the parole board arguing against Chapman's release, did not offer any testimony in his latest hearing. "She was very pleased at the division of parole's decision," said her lawyer, Peter Shukat. He declined to comment further. Fifty people sent letters and 1,100 others signed a petition opposing his release, while three wrote in urging that he be set free, said Heather Groll, a state Parole Division spokeswoman. Chapman's next appearance before the board is scheduled for August 2010.

AUGUST 21ST IN HISTORY

1614
Erzsebet Bathory, ruler of Transylvania, dies at 54. She had sought immortality by killing young virgins and bathing in their blood. It didn't work.
1985
Just seconds after stepping off the plane, opposition candidate Benigno Aquino is gunned down by assassins at Manila Int'l Airport, on orders of Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos.
1986
1,700 people are killed in Cameroon when Lake Nyos emits a huge cloud of fast-moving fog, quickly enveloping the villages of Nyos, Kam, Cha, and Subum. The lethal mist, consisting mainly of carbon dioxide and water vapor, displaces the oxygen in the low-lying zones, killing thousands of cattle and even more birds and wild animals. One eyewitness later describes the landscape as being "littered with human remains and animal carcasses."
1996
Superfreak Rick James (prisoner J29237) is released from Folsom Prison after serving a two year sentence for drugs and assault. He had planned to marry his fiance, Tanja Anne Hijazi, upon release but she had been nicked for shoplifting a pair of boots two days earlier. They do make a cute couple.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

A 46-year-old man has been found guilty of murdering a grandfather by forcing a walking stick down his throat. Paul Slack, of no fixed address, killed Alan Bowles, 64, at his home in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk. David Comer, 39, of Great Yarmouth, was found not guilty of manslaughter and murder but admitted perverting the course of justice. Kathleen Johnson, 57, also of no fixed address, was convicted of manslaughter and admitted assault causing ABH. Mr Bowles's stick was inserted into his body to a depth of 9in (22cms), jurors at Norwich Crown Court heard.
They were also told Slack had taken £50 from Mr Bowles the night before the attack in May last year. When Mr Bowles confronted Slack about it, his walking stick was thrust down his throat and he died of his injuries. Slack and Johnson are due to be sentenced on Thursday. Comer was given bail and will return to court next month after pre-sentence reports are compiled.

ABSURD CLASSES TAUGHT AT ACTUAL COLLEGES

Super Smash Brothers Melee Theory and Practice
Offered At: Oberlin College in Ohio. I admit we've never heard of this college, but at first glance it seemed like a legit school of higher learning. I found out that it's actually a 175 year-old private and selective school, and one that is fairly well-regarded even though their mascot is a Yeoman. What would the 19th Century founders say if they could see their own classrooms used to teach a course on Super Smash Brothers Melee? Well they'd probably say something about how the magical box appears to be possessed by warring devils, at which point they would declare the whole operation to be the work of witchcraft and flee the room. But after we calmed them down they'd probably say something about how getting course credit for playing Smash Brothers is a bunch of bullshit. Most pseudo-classes like this come with a course description that tries to play up the supposed academic value. Here they've tried to tell us the course covers "controversial issues concerning video games." However the extra $3 course fee for wear and tear on the controller pretty much gives away the real purpose. The only controversy being discussed in that class is whether to tell your parents that this is how you are blowing your college fund that they put off kidney surgery for. Amazingly this course has 2.5 hours of class time a week, which is probably about 40 hours less than most of the students would normally play video games. Half of the course time is dedicated to time outside regular class time to practice and refine skills, time that may otherwise be wasted learning things that might actually lead to employment or sex.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.” The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.” The last man said, "I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”

HEROES

This is going to please "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" fans. Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello is reporting that Seth Green, who played Oz on Buffy and currently is one of the brains behind "Robot Chicken", is joining NBC's "Heroes" this season. He'll have a multi-episode storyline with fellow "Robot Chicken"-er Breckin Meyer. They'll playtwo comic-book aficionados who cross paths with one of the heroes, though it's not certain right now which of the heroes they'll interact with, in what way, or what their character names are going to be. Is this good news for the show, or are we already starting to see too many new characters for the show so soon after new characters were introduced in the strike-shortened, fan-hated second season? I agree that it's an awfully large cast right now as it is, but I also understand that as the seasons go on and new plots develop, new characters are necessary. And having a fan favorite like Green (playing someone geeky) might be fun.

GEEK TALK

Warner Bros and DC Comics are in the midst of rehashing their strategy, opting for the slow and steady route. But there's one franchise that has his "reinvention" movie, as it were: Superman. Word is, Warner Bros is utterly torn as to what to do with him.
Variety's Anne Thompson reports that the studio is really taking their time in deciding what to do, and how Bryan Singer will play into it. At this point, despite all the rumors and excited quotes from Singer, no one is working on a Superman script. Surprisingly, they're with the majority of fans on this one, and feel that the movie didn't revive the character the way they wanted, or the way they know it can be done. (You really have changed things, Christopher Nolan.) Thompson was told that the studio is making the Man of Steel a top priority -- and if Singer is willing "to go in the right direction," they'll keep him, if not, he's off the property. One executive freely admitted that "it might be better to start from scratch." Remember, Mark Millar and a "big name action director" who had connections at Warner Bros were readying themselves to make a Superman pitch. Millar claimed the world would know by December. Given that such sharks are circling, I won't be surprised if Warners does start from scratch. I'm as perplexed as anyone as to where Singer can go from Superman Returns. For a healthy franchise, they're going to have to reboot, and leave Returns in that misty category of a Donner long delayed sequel. What do you think? Reboot or continue Singer's storyline?

WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

Things rarely go smoothly for costumed adventurers -- and the courtroom, it seems, is no exception. Nikke Finke reports that a federal judge has denied to dismiss 20th Century Fox's legal claim on Watchmen. You may remember that they filed a lawsuit back in February claiming that their rights to the DC property still held. They seek an injunction to prevent Warner Bros' adaptation of Watchmen from being released at all.
And at this point, that federal judge agrees with them. Warner Bros, obviously, cries foul. They point out that several studios have tried to develop the property for years, with Fox saying nary a word, and passed up the chance to properly reacquire the rights some time back. Their view of the lawsuit is that it's just an opportunistic grab on a movie that has been gaining more and more buzz. You can read the whole legal chronology over on Deadline Hollywood (Finke's done a top-notch job of documenting the ins and outs) and see which side you come down on. It's exhausting -- isn't this what studios have lawyers for? To avoid this kind of last-minute litigation lunacy? It's unlikely that the movie will really be delayed -- but it is possible that Warner Bros. will have to hand Fox a substantial chunk of change in order to release the film, as they had to do for Dukes of Hazzard some years back. As one of Finke's readers noted, suddenly the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince schedule shift makes a lot more sense. The studio's 2009 budget could be pretty tight. Watchmen opens (hopefully) March 6th, 2009.

Okay, there you have it, the latest entry of the Phile. I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, kids. Next week's entry will be on Thursday again. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd. Oh, one more thing: You blew her mind fast as a bullet train. Thats what she gets for loving a hurricane.