Merry Christmas! Oh No, I Used The 'C' Word.

Season's greetings, happy holidays, Merry Christmas, pholks. If I had anymore Christmas spirit, I'd be shitting jingle bells.  So, how is everyone? Did you see the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie? I will give the review at the bottom of the entry, by the way. I remember being a big fan o the 80's cartoon "Alvin and the Chipmunks" and liking their records. My dad once said to me, "What's the big deal? They just speeded up someone's voices." Leno and Letterman and Conan announced they will
be back on the air in January. Great. That means I can start ripping off their monologues again. A few days ago a Guest at Disney's Animal Kingdom had a heart attack and died on the Expedition Everest ride. Now they are going to change the name of the ride to 
Expedition Ever Rest. Apparently he saw the Yeti and thought it was his mother-in-law. Also at Disney, a guy was thrown out the park for singing "Chipmunks Roasting
An Open Fire" to Chip and Dale. So, Logan and I have been playing a lot of video
games lately. We play so much I am starting to introduce myself as Player 1. I tried to convince my wife our next vacation should be to Vice City. I complained to You complain to my urologist that I have pain in my joystick. The U.S. Justice Department is looking into possible price fixing in the chocolate industry, the Wall Street Journal reported on Thursday on its Web site. The Journal reported that a Mars spokeswoman said the company had been contacted by the Justice Department's antitrust division and that if the agency initiated an investigation Mars would cooperate. Chocolate? Wrong brown sticky stuff? "Time" magazine announced the Person Of The Year. Me! No, it's really Vladimir Putin, but it was a close race. "Person" of the year? Hearkens to George Carlin, "What do we call a ladies' man now, a person's person"? Okay, so what do you think about the Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant story? 
It goes to show you, that's what you get when you give fifty million dollars to a white
trash family. If nothing else you'd think she'd learn from trainwreck sister. How sad. Can you believe their mother was writing a parenting book? Rightfully, it has been put on hold. Nickleodeon said that they support her decision to have the baby and hav a nice life. They did consider changing the name of her tv show "Zoey 101" to "Zoey PosterChild for Abstinence-Only Education".

R.I.P.

Jillian Kesner-Graver, who played Fonzie's girlfriend Lorraine in "Happy Days": Not cool!
Dan Fogelberg: He wrote pop, but don't hold it against him. You're probably still humming "Another Auld Lang Syne". My dad once said, "The worst thing about having Foghat as the band's name is that we are always going to be next to Dan 
Fogelberg in the album racks."
 
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

Daniel Restrepo often suffered seizures after he was shot in the head as a boy in Colombia; now authorities in Florida are calling his death a homicide caused by those 12-year-old wounds. Restrepo, 25, never fully recovered, and he was found dead in bed Nov. 30 at his father's home in Royal Palm Beach. The medical examiner blamed a fatal seizure and labeled his death a homicide. "It's really strange, the death at least a dozen years later. Throw in the fact it's out of the country, it's really unique," said Detective Steve Ultsh of the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office, which is investigating Restrepo's death. Restrepo's father, Gonzalo, was driving the car when Daniel was shot on his way to school in Medellin, where the family lived at the time. He declined to talk about the shooting, but blamed his son's death on a change in his seizure medication. The shooting "wasn't the cause of my son's death," Gonzalo Restrepo told The Palm Beach Post. Authorities here hope to provide the information on Daniel's death to officials in Medellin for their potential murder case, Ultsh said. It was not immediately clear if Colombian authorities had suspects or if anyone was ever arrested in the shooting.

CANNED LAUGHTER

This woman walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tattoo artist says "thats an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?" She replies "because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Years."

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker , so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?" Answer "they're Carol's."

Q. What did Santa say to the three blondes? A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? A. Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q. What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common ? A. They both have colored balls.

NUTTED BY REALITY

I have a proposal: If football continues to push "The Amazing Race’s" debut later, and CBS insists upon airing all of "60 Minutes" and screwing up its entire prime-time schedule, and that night’s episode of "The Amazing Race" starts with 20 minutes of teams trying to get airline tickets, cut that segment out and just replace it with a voiceover from Phil. Perhaps it’s just fatigue after 12 seasons, but starting episodes this way is just boring. Every team reads the damn route marker, takes a cab to the airport, researches flights, lines up at a not-yet-open ticket window or travel agency, and then obnoxiously begs the ticket agent to hurry up because they’re late for their flight, which they eventually get on. Five minutes, okay. A third of the episode? Too much, even when, as last night, something that happens during that segment leads to a team’s elimination. Because last week’s egregious product placement wasn’t enough, Phil started his recap of last week’s episode by saying, TK and Rachel arrived first, and were awarded a vacation of a lifetime from Travelocity.” Then TK became the producers’ whore, saying in an oddly stilted (hmm) way, “Thank you Travelocity.” Upon learning that they were traveling to Croatia, Hendekea said she knew a bit of the language, a word “which means, ‘there’s a party in my pants.’” Azaria said, “Hopefully we can get a few dollars with that,” Ronald looks like all cuddly with those “Who’s your daddy?” t-shirts, but sometimes he can be a real bastard.” He interrupted a ticket agent serving another team, and when they objected, Ronald got angry. “Just a simple question, man. What’s the big deal?’ he said. “It ain’t [censored]in’ anyof your reservations.” Vyxsin told Christina, “It’s okay; Ihave a dad, too.” While most of the world would be thrilled to learn they’d been accidentally upgraded to business class, that’s a huge no-no on the race, as teams must purchase coach tickets (although they can sit in business or first if they paid coach prices). “Business class?” Hendekea said, horrified. There were no more coach seats on the flight, but the agent assured them that the original flight was “not going to make it on time” anyway. What a helpful agent: books the wrong tickets on a flight that’s delayed. For some reason, after arriving in Croatia and running out of the airport to catch taxis, none of the teams had backpacks. Apparently the production collected them for some reason, “You’re the meanest person I’ve ever met sometimes,” Jennifer told Nate during one of their many fights, not elaborating on what he is other times. They had a meltdown while paddling a boat, and she said, “I’m never going be with you ever again.” It was unclear if she meant “be with you” in the Biblical sense.
Jen’s meltdown’s, while so familiar it seems like we’ve seen them all before, was still somewhat fun. She went from being upset about not being able to catch a cab to excoriating their relatonship. “This is pathetic. Oh my god, Nate! This is so unfair! No, it’s not okay. Our relationship sucks,” she said, crying. When Ronald and Christina checked in, Phil Keoghan said, “Who’s your daddy now?” and instantly gave fans a sound clip to use as their ringtone. Phil didn’t have anything witty to say to Jennifer and Nate; instead, he had to yell at them. “You’re the second team to arrive. However, you did not take a legal form of transportation from the Detour finish point to get here to the mat. So, you need to go back to that spot, get some legal transportation, and make your way back here before I can check you in,” he said, and finished it off with “make haste.” They still checked in third, and Phil noticed that things were a bit icy: “not a lot of affection there with the handshake.” Nicolas and his grandfather Donald also had a bit of a meltdown, with Nicolas becoming increasingly surprised that his grandfather is slow. Paddling a boat, he said, “Worry about yourself,” and his grandfather said, “I’m helping here, whether you know it or not.” Hendekea and Azaria checked in last, and were eliminated thanks to their initial flight problems. Hendekea said, “The thing that really sucks here is, it wasn’tlike somebody beat us. We beat ourselves.”

SHARPENING AXES

The translation of the word “Mistletoe” itself isn’t very romantic. A few centuries back, some people apparently observed that mistletoe tended to take root where birds
had left their droppings. “Mistal” is an Anglo-Saxon word that means “dung” and “tan” means “twig,” so mistletoe actually means “dung on a twig.” Since the 1970’s, The Kennedy Space Center has made their Shuttle landing facility available for emergency landing by Santa Claus should problems develop during his annual visit to
children around the world! Umm... that's just dumb.

GEEK TALK

I pity the fool who doesn't want a Hobbit film! I did not see I Am Legend this past weekend, but apparently there was a poster planted in the film's fictional Times Square for a Batman vs. Superman movie, due out on May 15, 2010. Folks immediately began speculating -- was this a secret teaser poster for Justice League? Had they changed the name (as previously rumored) to Batman vs. Superman? No such luck fanboys (and girls); seems it was only a gag dreamed up by screenwriter/producer Akiva Goldsman, who, long ago, was attached to write a Batman vs. Superman film. But it's still pretty cool, and a neat little Easter Egg if you ask me. We know John Singleton has signed on to direct a big-screen A-Team movie, and that casting is currently underway, but what's the script look like? Moviehole got their hands on the script, and there's some "interesting" stuff in there. Like, B.A. Baracas (played by Mr. T on the TV show) is listed as a "22-year-old walking steel with two-percent body fat." Yup, expect Tyrese Gibson in this role. Here's a bit more from their synopsis: "I'll be honest - it's not that tantalizing. The whole action of the movie revolves around some vases and stolen art. At one point there's a scene that takes place on a yacht - and it's an art auction. It's just not that interesting." Head on over to Moviehole to read their full review of the 118-page script. This morning it was announced that Peter Jackson and New Line had kissed and made up, and are moving ahead on the long-planned Hobbit adaptation. However, Jackson is only listed as an executive producer, which means they still needto seek out a director to helm the picture. I'd expect Sam Raimi to be the first one they call, but if Sam takes on this monstrous double-feature, don't expect the guy to be back in the director's chair for Spider-Man 4. Which will also likely mean that Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst will opt out. Would you gladly take Raimi on Hobbit, or could Jackson get real nutty and somehow convince Guillermo del Toro to give up all 300 of his current projects to direct two Hobbit films? Where do you stand? Who do you want directing these movies, if not Jackson?

MOVIE BUZZ

Bond 22
While Daniel Craig can be seen racing boats for an action scene in these photos, it's been announced that producers may have found the next Bond Girl, a little-known actress named Gemma Arterton. I may never have heard of her, but the photo's I saw of her makes me think of water, too — a waterbed.
Hancock
The first trailer for Will Smith's action comedy about a drunken superhero shows him destroying lots of property and cruelly throwing a beached whale back into the ocean. Jeez, between this and I Am Legend, no animal in Hollywood is gonna want to work with him ever again.
The Hobbit
Peter Jackson and New Line have come to an agreement that will have Jackson executive producing two LOTR prequels. Isn't it nice when a total bomb like The Golden Compass can bring two old friends together again?
The Dark Knight
The official trailer is finally online, and the film looks like it's going to be extremely dark and violent, which is awesome. The one scene where Heath Ledger begs Christian Bale to run him over with the Batpod is especially scary. Wasn't that the same bit of S&M he tried on Jake in Brokeback Mountain?
Dallas
John Travolta may have been the last defender of the long-gestating update of the classic TV drama, but producers finally kicked him to the curb and replaced him with Ben Stiller. To deliver the bad news, they had Patrick Duffy surprise Travolta in the shower to tell him that the last 10 years trying to get the film made was all a bad dream.
The X-Files 2
A fan caught some video of David Duchovny and new co-star Amanda Peet shooting on the Vancouver set. If you listen real closely, you can hear David say, "Hey, she's a whole lot cuter than the Cigarette Smoking Man."
WALL*E
There's a cute new trailer for the Pixar flick that shows the title robot playing with different items he finds in a trash dump, including a fire extinguisher, a bra and a paddleball game. Woo-hoo! That sounds like my New Year's Eve plans.
Leatherheads
There's a trailer from George Clooney's new flick about the early days of football, when players just wore cheap little leather helmets as protection. I hope nobody hit him in the head too hard or he might start to think making Ocean's Fourteen is a good idea.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
Judd Apatow directed a hilarious short starring Paul Rudd, Justin Long, Jonah Hill and "The Office's" Craig Robinson, who tries to beat up the director when he finds out he's in a viral marketing ad, which is perfect because viral ads always make me want to punch somebody in the head, too.
Watchmen
Original graphic novel artist Dave Gibbons posted apicture of himself on the movie set and wrote about how honored he was to be surrounded by a bunch of adults wearing superhero costumes. Honored? Hasn't he ever been to Comic-Con? It's actually kind of dorky.
And now for the review of
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS starring Jason Lee, David Cross, Jane Lynch, the voices of Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, and Matthew Gray Gubler. It's an origin story, like the kind every comic-book superhero has, except that these are CG chipmunks. Alvin, Theodore and Simon find Dave Seville, a struggling songwriter, and together they become a famous singing group and teach each other the true meaning of family. Someone out there will hate it for that reason and assume it's part of the liberal media's agenda to promote nontraditional living arrangements as normal. But really, who's to say that adopting three digital rodents doesn't make you a dad? Not me. I've been dreading this for months now. Seriously, just wishing that all the prints would burn up in a fire. That was the marketing campaign's fault, dressing them in hoodies and making them look all gangsta. It's the Scarface-ification of children's pop culture, and it's just wrong. So anyway, the actual movie doesn't go in for much of this. They do update that dorky song "Witch Doctor" to be all Black Eyed Peas-ish, but beyond that, the worst thing that happens is that part in the trailer where one of them accidentally eats the other one's poop. Gross, yes, but kids will fall out laughing.
Amount of fear and loathing parents should have: surprisingly very little. Your kids will love it, and it won't wreck your own childhood memories of the Chipmunks much at all. Meanwhile, it passed my personal test of including a non-offensive cover of that Christmas song about the hula hoop that they're most famous for. It sucks the most when the little rats aren't around. Then all you get are a lot of humans gritting their teeth for a paycheck. Cross seems to be having the most true fun, but Lee seems unhappy to be in the film. He doesn't even yell "ALVIN!" very loudly. I question his commitment to acting opposite computer-generated talking animals. Trivia: Lee's character lives in apartment 1958, the year the Chipmunks were created by Ross Bagdasarian. And if you're a fan of Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window, you'll be interested to know that Bagdasarian is the pianist that Jimmy Stewart spies on. I gave it a 9 and Jen gave it an 8, which is pretty good for her.

Okay, that's the last entry before Christmas. Have a safe one and the Phile will be back next Thursday which will be the last for 2007. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Oh, and go buy something from Loentz's Emporium at Foghat.com.