Hi there, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. Merry "Time of the year when it's still several weeks until Christmas but you should be buying gifts anyway because this is a consumer culture and your possessions define you" Day. If you don't celebrate Christmas, I have a couple of things to say to you. First, I hope that dreidel comforts you while you're rotting in hell. And, second, just because you're not Christian doesn't mean you can't enjoy God Jr.'s birthday just as much as the rest of us. Just do all the typical Christmas stuff and designate December 25 "Matthew McConaughey Day" or "The Shampoo and Conditioner in 1 Festival". Okay, I was kidding. Ahem. So, for his birthday my son got "Guitar Hero 3" featuring my dad's
song "Slow Ride", and I have to admit, my wife kicked my ass on it. But revenge will
be sweet, because I will put the electric in electric guitar. Jessica Alba has announced that she will never do a nude scene in a movie. Never. I wrote a whole screen play for nothing! The big news from the world of literature was JK Rowling's announcement that Dumbledore was homosexual. Not to be outdone, the guy who wrote the Bible just announced that Jesus had a circle jerk with Judas and Matthew. In sports news, Alex Rodriguez (also known as J-Lo) has opted out of his contract with the New York Yankees. This is bad news for the Yankees, who've already lost manager Joe Torre, but there is good news. They can sign a bowl of zebra shit to play 3rd base, thus avoiding another huge salary, while still being able to win just as many championships as they did with Rodriguez. Go Tribe! So, there's a writer's strike in
Hollywood and all the talk shows are going into repeats, so how am I going to rip off a monologue? I mean, I write some jokes myself but the really funny stuff comes
from Leno, Letterman or Conan? Man, I'm screwed. So, if anything has some jokes,
political or elsewhat, please send them to me. Oh, here's one. Alphadots this kids toy
has the same chemical as a date rape pill. So, if my wife tastes something funny in her
Diet Coke... Logan returned home from school, informing me that he received an F in arithmetic and a stern spanking. “What happened?” I asked. “Well,” Logan said, “the teacher asked ‘How much is two times three?’ and I said ‘six.’” “But that’s right!” I said. “Then,” said Logan, “she asked me, ‘How much is three times two?’” “What’s the fucking difference?” I asked. “That’s what I said!” It was a joke, people.
R.I.P.
Hank Thompson, Country music HOFer: That settles it. Country music causes lung cancer.
Barbara West Dainton: Knock! Knock! (who's there?) Dainton! (Dainton who?)
Dainton-y mo Titanic suvivas 'cept for dat one english lady! Okay, that was very un-PC, I know.
George Osmond: Well, I think we can rule out booze, tobacco and caffeine products as factors in his demise... Say what you will about the Osmonds - "Crazy Horses" is a kickass song!
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
A Central Florida man is accused of punching and attacking a body inside an open casket during a funeral. Police said Timothy Cleary of Apopka walked into the Harvest Baptist Church located in the Parramore neighborhood in Orlando and attacked the body. Mourners at the funeral then attacked Cleary while others called 911. When officers arrived, they took Cleary into custody at the church. He faces several charges in connection with the incident. A public defender wanted Cleary held for a mental evaluation but a judge set bond Saturday at $350. A motive for the alleged attack was not known.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1879
Leon Trotsky's birthday!
1923
Adolf Hitler attempts to seize the government in Munich. The event is now known as the "Beer Hall Putsch" and lands his ass in jail.
1937
The Nazi exhibition Der ewige Jude (The Eternal Jew) opens in Munich, which ran until the 16th. Later, a film is released by the same name. "Wherever rats appear they bring ruin, by destroying mankind's goods and foodstuffs."
1973
The right ear of John Paul Getty III is delivered to a newspaper along with a ransom note. It takes two weeks to arrive. Previously, the kidnapping was thought to be a ruse by the son to obtain money, but the ear convinces his father to pay the $2.9M ransom.
1991
Convicted crack smoker Marion Barry, who served six months in prison in 1990, is re-elected mayor of Washington D.C. Astonishing. And even more astonishing, on the same day Sonny Bono is elected to the United States Congress.
1997
President Bill Clinton speaks at a dinner sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay rights organization. It is the first time an American president has so addressed a gathering of sodomites.
1997
A newborn baby is abandoned at a toilet in Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom. While the baby was found within five minutes of birth, police are still searching for the mother.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? A: Go for the juggler.
Q: What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato? A: A dictator.
Q: Why did the Texan buy a dachshund? A: The sheriff said, “Get along, little doggie.”
NUTTED BY REALITY
The kids on "Kid Nation" are starved for entertainment as we might all be soon. I'm already starved for it during the late night hours. Butlast episode was a fun night for the most part on the show. My main little man Jared was featured fairly prominently throughout the episode, the kids had some fun, and I even had a few snickers as I watched. I'd still like to have been a fly on the wall and witnessed how they get the kids on the topic of the journal entry each week separate from the town council leaders visiting the Shack of the Journal. I guess we might never know.
HEROES
There's good news and bad news coming out of the "Heroes'" universe. The good news: despite the ongoing WGA Strike, the current 'Generations' story arc running on the hit NBC show will conclude on December 3rd in an episode entitled 'Powerless'. The bad news: should the strike extend through the new year 'Powerless' may be the season finale for "Heroes". That's what Jeph Loeb, co-executive producer and writer of the series, is saying in press reports. Luckily, Loeb and executive producer/creator Tim Kring saw this strike coming ahead of time so they, and their crew, worked like crazy to get the first story arc done before the strike deadline. This made people like comic book artist Tim Sale, who creates art for the Isaac Mendez character, nearly have a nervous breakdown. Even with the hectic work schedule Loeb states that fans should be satisfied with the end of the first story arc as many hanging plot threads will be resolved. A season end in December will mean an extremely long wait for "Heroes" fans, particularly since the proposed mid-season "Heroes: Origins" has been put on hold. Don't expect any new Web comics to fill the gap, either, as payment for Internet material is the main reason why the WGA is striking. Fans can console themselves by picking up the "Heroes" graphic novel, which encapsulates the first 34 chapters of the Web comic.
GEEK TALK
So much for Batman's first official trip outside of Gotham City. Some folks are all up in arms over production on The Dark Knight currently taking place in Hong Kong. Apparently, producers on the film sent a letter to tenants and management companies in 60 buildings asking everyone to keep their lights on while filming was taking place to, ya know, make the scene prettier. Of course, environmentalists are all ticked off, claiming this isn't the right message to send when the entire world (including Hong Kong) are trying to reduce energy consumption. A project manager for a conservation group had this to say: "We welcome the filming of Batman in Hong Kong, but why do we need to keep the lights on to make the backdrop? It seems like film-making is coming before environmental protection." I'll speculate and imagine their answer might come in the form of: "Yeah, but don't you want the city to look pretty? It's sooooo pretty when all the lights are on." The light issue is just one of many that have plagued production overseas. Just recently, a scene which was supposed to feature Batman dropping from a plane into a harbor was cut after producers learned the water could pose a health risk. Sounds fairly reasonable, but isn't the Bat-Suit supposed to protect Batman from bullets, punches, kicks -- you're telling me the dude can't get wet? The Dark Knight is scheduled to arrive in theaters on July 18 ... with or without the lights on.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
A new international trailer has hit the web, which has a few new effects shots and a lot more scenes of co-star GwynethPaltrow. I'm still waiting to see a love scene between her and Robert Downey Jr. Something tells me she better stock up on cans of WD-40.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
A first look at the concept art fueling the demonic sequel, which includes drawings of the titular superhero and his enormous gun, called "Big Baby." Why's it called that? Cuz when he shoves its six barrels in your face, you start blubbering like one.
Star Trek
A teaser trailer featuring the building of the first Enterprise is said to be in the works. I'm excited. I hope they show where they put the toilets. I've seen every original and "Next Generation" episode, and not once have I ever seen anyone go to the bathroom.
Death Wish
Sylvester Stallone is eyeing to direct and star in a remake of the classic Charles Bronson vigilante flick. Last time Sly had a "death wish" was when he starred in the career-killing Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.
High Noon
Since the western genre has been making a comeback lately, they're now remaking the Gary Cooper classic. Although they may want to think about updating the title, since modern audiences might assume this is another Harold and Kumar sequel. Or something starring Owen Wilson.
Splice
Check out the creepy promo photos of the horror movie's main creature: a naked woman with a giant bald head, a tail and hands for feet. Yep, these come with a "WARNING: Mature" tag, but the only guys who are going to be turned on by them are the ones who prefer going to a freak show over a strip club.
Dances With Wolves 2
They're making a sequel to the Oscar-winning flick, but Kevin Costner says he won't be a part of it. Now we can call him Skips Away From Bad Ideas.
The Mist
There's another freaky trailer up, this one really playing up the film's religious angle. Reminds me of car trips as a kid. If we ran into some fog my dad would always start yelling "God darn it," too.
The Great Debaters
Denzel Washington talks a good game as a debate coach in the trailer for his latest directorial effort. His youngest co-star in the film is actor Denzel Whitaker, whose parents named him after you-know-who. That's one way to suck up to the boss.
Clash of the Titans
Robert Rodriguez says he was seriously considering directing the remake but turned it down for scheduling reasons. Well, that and since the film takes place in ancient Greece, he couldn't figure out how the hero Perseus could kill Medusa and the Kraken without any machine guns at his disposal.
Pride and Glory
In the trailer, Edward Norton and Colin Farrell star as brothers who are also cops, one of whom may be corrupt. What's with all these movies about crooked police officers? It makes me long for the days of all those Police Academys. Those guys may have been inept, but at least they were positive role models.
There you have it, phans, another entry of the Phile. I want to hit 3000 views by Christmas, and we are so, so close, so tell everybody to check the Phile out. You know, spread the word, not the turd. I was thinking, that's just a stupid saying I would say as a kid, and was going to stop saying that here, but I can't. Until next week...
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