Lindsay Lohan Should Be Behind Bars

Oh, what I meant to say was Lindsay Lohan should be naked taking it from behind dancing on bars. Or something like that. Hello, Phans, I am back, this is the first real 
entry done in our beautiful new house in the hills of Groveland, Florida. In the distance I could see the Citrus Tower, and an alligator filled lake across the street. We counted six alligators and that was just today. Disney announced that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called Smoke-ahontas. And another one, the follow-up, Cigarella. Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. To give you an idea of how fast summer has gone by, earlier today, Rosie O’Donnell reported to the Minnesota Vikings training camp. Not such a great time for England. They’ve had the worst flooding in 50 years. The water’s so high that Hogwarts was flooded and Harry Potter drowned. Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every Thurday night. Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting. Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair. Hairspray opened last week. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton. A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.” Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks. Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.” Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010! A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.” MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list. 

UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS

Few other acts have caused more controversy than Milli Vanilli -- and the drama all began with a record skip. In 1989, the German duo was on top of the world with a No. 1 debut album and a Best New Artist Grammy. But the dreadlocked "singers," Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, didn't actually sing a note on the album -- a fact that was revealed when the duo's backing track skipped during a performance on 1990's Club MTV Tour. They quickly became the world's most hated music act; fans publicly demolished their albums, and the duo was forced to return its Grammy.

R.I.P.

TAMMY FAYE MESSNER: Tammy Faye was cremated. Her makeup will be cremated in a separate ceremony later.
LADY BIRD JOHNSON: Yeah, I got a point on my death pool list!

TODAY IN HISTORY

1826
Schoolmaster Cayetano Ripoll is hanged in Valencia, after uttering his last words: "I die reconciled to God and to man." He is the last person executed by the Spanish Inquisition.
1947
The National Security Council is created.
1984
Serial killer and cannibal Ed Gein dies at the Mendota Mental Health Institute, a home for the criminally insane. Gein inspired the films Psycho and Silence of the Lambs.
1991
Actor Paul Reubens (aka "Pee-wee Herman") is arrested in Sarasota, Florida for jacking off twice with his left hand inside the South Trail XXX Cinema. It was screening the triple feature Catalina Five-O: Tiger Shark, Nancy Nurse, and Turn Up The Heat. Following his masturbatorial debut, Reubens loses his children's television show and product endorsements.
1998
Three spectators are killed by flying debris during the U.S. 500 race at Michigan Speedway. The debris resulted when the car driven by Adrian Fernandez impacted the wall of the raceway, flinging pieces of his suspension into the crowd. Tragically, Fernandez' knees are lightly bruised in the accident and he is unable to complete the race.

DOCTOR WHO

SMITH AND JONES: You can say what you like, but I won't be listening -- "Doctor Who" is one of the best, if not the best, television programmes of all time, and Russell T. Davies' current incarnation of the character and franchise is no exception. The return of series three was marked by several important milestones in the character's chronology (if a linear method of cataloging the Doctor's life can be described in traditional terms); the introduction of a new companion, the setup of plot and theme for the rest of the series, and the subtle hints at bigger things yet to come. If you thought Billie Piper was good as Rose Tyler, then Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones looks set to commit the memory of the Doctor's most recent companion to the distant past. Confident, intelligent and very beautiful; Agyeman captures the qualities necessary in a great companion and injects something new to the series in the shape of a female character fit for the Doctor's fanciful ways. Oh, and she even got to kiss him in one of her very early scenes. I don't think the plot of the opening episode was terribly significant, other than to introduce Martha to the backdrop of a London hospital being transported to the Moon while a bunch of intergalactic policemen searched for a renegade alien (a blood-sucking Plasmavore). As many viewers have already noted, the 'Vote Saxxon' posters which appeared all over the place in Torchwood have started showing up in "Doctor Who" (there was even a mention of Mr Saxxon on a radio news bulletin near the end of this episode). Mr Saxxon, is, of course, the politician character to be played by John Simm ("Life on Mars") in the finale to the current series. Rumors abound as to his true identity, The Master being a potential. Another significant development has set the rumour mill running, when the Doctor casually remarked when asked if he had a brother, replied: "not any more". I don't need to tell you that the Doctor helped to save the day, as ever -- but it's the way he does it which matters. And, as before, he persuaded Martha to join him on his never-ending journey through space in the TARDIS, with the now-immortal line "it also travels in time". THE SHAKESPEARE CODE: To be or not to be? That is the question. And so, the venerable Doctor and his new assistant Martha Jones arrived in London in the year 1599 to pay a visit to the Globe Theatre, where they would meet none other than Mr William Shakespeare. Of course, this was not the first time our hero had met The Bard, but it was certainly one of the most memorable.
The central theme this week focused on the so-called 'missing' Shakespeare play (entitled Love's Labour's Won in this episode), which formed part of the mystery for The Doctor and Martha to unwravel. The presence of three evil witches made the task all the more difficult, since their very existence -- and the future of their imprisoned species -- depended on play being read aloud in the specially-constructed Globe Theatre in order to release them from a sub-dimensional prison. Frightening in parts, witty and sharp (come on folks, it's Shakespeare -- who wouldn't have fun with it?) this was the perfect opportunity for Russell T. Davies and company to get us right back on the bandwagon and straight at the heart of the action. And, as I've said on numerous ocassions before, the best episodes of "Doctor Who" tend to be the ones set in the distant past. Certainly, they tend to be the episodes where the BBC excels; costumed drama, lavish sets and atention to detail. Where futuristic special effects often fail BBC dramas, the period piece often passes with flying colours, and Doctor Who can do both. It was interesting to notice the continuation of The Doctor's grief for the loss of Rose in this episode. Even though she isn't actually dead, it almost seems as if he has dipped into a dark phase of his existence, repeatedly comparing Martha's approach to a mystery to his former companion's in the way someone would with a departed loved one. I think this is going to come to a head at some point, as Martha grows tired of the comparisons. I have to say, I genuinely liked Rose. I liked Billie Piper too, but Freema Aygeman as Martha is a whole new ball game. She's witty, funny, strong and beautiful -- and if the writers are not careful, she could very quickly become the star of the show. Nah, scratch that last suggestion -- David Tennant is fast becoming one of the best Doctors in the history of the series, and it's going to be a tough task to follow up his take on the character, should he decide to leave. GRIDLOCK: It's still early stages in the new series of "Doctor Who", so it's understandable when the writers re-visit old story arcs, and introduce new viewers to old themes. It was like that this week, and whilst it wasn't a high-ranking episode in terms of story, it was still a good bit of fun. And, as with previous weeks in the recent series, when Martha learned something new about the enigmatic time-traveller, so did we. The most fascinating aspect of these recent episodes has had nothing to do with the plot, but the development of the Doctor's relationship with Martha, and the implications it could have on the future. In these early encounters, the Doctor merely appears to be showing off to Martha, demonstrating his ability to take her anywhere he chooses to fulfill her sense of wonder at the marvels of travelling in time and space.
This week, they jetted forward to New-New York, last seen in New Earth from the previous season. However, the city hadbeen transformed into a lower-level hell of flight-powered vehicles caught in a perpetual traffic jam, and when Martha was carjacked in order for two passengers to enter the so-called 'fast lane', the Doctor found himself in a race against time to rescue her. Key to this episode was The Face of Boe, and enigmatic giant head in a jar who has made appearances in previous episodes, with the promise of a secret to be revealed. It transpired that a virus had consumed the city many years before, and the Face of Boe had helped initiate a lock-down which protected as many of the citizens as possible in a make-believe underworld traffic jam, where they would drive for an eternity in the hope of reaching the real city. Having already lied to Martha about his home planet and his people still existing, the Doctor found himself with the much bigger task of not only rescuing his new assistant from almost certain death, but liberating the people of a lost city -- with the help of the Face. And before the Face died giving his last to free the people, he told the Doctor that he was not alone in the universe... Next week's episode promised the return of the Daleks (entitled Daleks in Manhattan), with a sneaky line from the Doctor to the effect of: "I lose everything, and they continue to survive."

NUTTED BY REALITY

I'm really surprised "On The Lot" has made it this long without getting yanked. My suspicion is Fox doesn't quite have the guts to cancel a show produced by the venerable Steven Spielberg, but they're covertly doing everything in their power to get this stinker off the air. Hence, the double eliminations for the last two weeks. By my calculations, if we continue cutting two people a week, we'll only be subjected to four or five more episodes tops. I think this may be the first time I've ever consistently watched a show on a weekly basis while simultaneously wanting it to die. Yup, this show is definitely an anomaly, but in the worst kind of way. Let's hope the world is never subjected to a show about the movie-making process ever again. It just doesn't seem to work.

MOVIE BUZZ

Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane says he wants to make a film version of his cult TV hit as long as it's not "the Griffins must save the world," an obvious dis to The Simpsons Movie. If guys from both the shows come to blows, they should tape their pinkies down so they only punch with four fingers.
Cloverfield
Shaky camera phone images and the studio registering the domain TheMonstrousMovie.com seem to suggest Monstrous may be the official title. Meanwhile, in this shaky set video, hordes of people are seen running in terror in downtown L.A. — either from an unseen monster, or Lindsay Lohan got behind the wheel of her SUV again.
TheDarjeeling Limited
In the trailer for Wes Anderson's latest quirkfest, Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman are estranged brothers who take a train ride across India so they can rebond with each other. What? Going to a strip club isn't good enough for them?
Y: The Last Man
Disturbia's director, D.J. Caruso, has just signed on to direct this comic-book adaptation about the last man on Earth, who's pursued by hostile women. If that were me, I know the perfect hiding spot: in a comic-book store.
John Hancock
The other week we got to see photos of Will Smith as a flying hobo; now here he is being suspended on wires in a leather superhero outfit. I hear he took home the S&M-looking getup and made Jada a very happy woman in the bedroom.
Spawn 2
Writer/artist Todd McFarlane says a sequel/reboot of his 1997 comic-book adaptation has been rejected by several studios, so he's going to produce it himself. Plus, he says the titular superhero won't speak in the film, nor will he ever appear wearing his costume. I plan on seeing this. Nobody will see me sitting in the theater, but I'll be there. I swear.
The Silver Surfer
The Surfer's solo has picked up a director: Alex Proyas, who previously directed the dark superhero flick The Crow. This is great, because after Tim Story's sitcom-y approach in the FF sequel, the silvery dude is in desperate need of a good tarnishing.
Major Movie Star
Steve Guttenberg will co-star in Jessica Simpson's upcoming comedy about a spoiled actress who impulsively joins the Army. So, in 20 years he's gone from starring as a boob in a police uniform to acting alongside a pair of them in fatigues.
The Shinjuku Incident
This drama about Chinese immigrants living in Tokyo will most likely be Jackie Chan's first stuntless film. In a show of solidarity, Jackie's Rush Hour 3 co-star Chris Tucker says he's not going to be funny in his next movie. To which Jackie replied, "Wait, you were trying to be funny before?"
The Hottest State
The trailer for Ethan Hawke's directorial debut, for which he wrote the script based on his own novel and stars as an estranged Texan father. As if that wasn't enough, Hawke also sewed all the costumes, built the sets and cooked upa mean plate of BBQ for the catering.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
How does one ensure that a sequel to a stuffy period film from almost a decade ago does really well at the box office? Float a story on the Internet that its Academy Award-winning star Cate Blanchett appears nude, that's how!

MOVIE BUZZ REVIEWS

Transformers
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson, Megan Fox, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, Jon Voight. If, like the hosts of the Today show ( I just watched them interview a sort of sheepish, worn-out Duhamel), you don't know that the Autobots are the good robots and the Decepticons are the bad ones, then you are old. I mean, I'm old, too. I was living in England when the Transformers first came out. Anyway, they fight — these giant robots. They fight a lot. And it's AWESOME. You will leave smiling like you were seven years old and just managed to throw your toys off a very high place, watching them smash into pieces on the ground. Michael "The Touch" Bay, bless his narratively deranged soul, somehow knew that he would be forgiven for tampering somewhat with the "mythology" if he simply made sure that things were constantly exploding and that robots never stopped fighting. So that's what happens. In fact — and this isn't a spoiler — the last 30 to 40 minutes of this long, loud movie (it's almost two and half hours) is all special effects and action. Just battles and blowing stuff up. Headache-prone parents, take note. They want this power cube. It's not that important to know really. They were pretty much just born to fight. And that senselessness is also kind of brilliant, because the film is based on a line of Gen Y 1980s toys that had no agenda but to transform and battle. Storylines followed later. And in keeping with that '80s feeling, it's very Reagan-y — gung-ho about stuff like war and the military. It would be annoying if it were even remotely about real life. But it ain't. Nerds, rejoice — well, at least rejoice over this one thing: They got the original voice of Optimus Prime, Peter Cullen, to come back and do it again. And I just learned that he's also the voice of Eeyore, which is kind of funny.
What about the humans? What about them? Their job is to react to stuff that's not really there, which I'm sure is hard for an actor. But whatever. More robots fighting!
Live Free Or Die Hard
Starring Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Maggie Q, Timothy Olyphant. Attention-starved tech terrorists (led by Olyphant, doing an imperious, bug-eyed cartoon-villain face) decide to shut down the entire economic and security structures of the United States, causing chaos every time they hit "Enter" on their keyboards. Willis, however, doesn't know much about computers, so he prefers to stop them by crashing a flying car into a helicopter. What I love most about this, and movies that steal from it, is that plausibility is dispensed with early on, and there's never such thing as Too Much when it comes to piling on the threat or destroying property. It's like, "Oh, I'm dangling over a pit of molten metal? And you're shooting at me with a machine gun while I dangle? Well, check this out: I just happen to be dangling in the exact spot where the secret lever that releases liquid nitrogen lives! Now it is you who are doomed!" That's what I came to see, and that's what I got, and now I'm happy. (No, that example isn't actually in the movie.) One beef: It's a limit-pushing PG-13. And you can tell if you look carefully, because they clearly shot an R-rated and then chopped out all the bullets to the head and did some sloppy voice rerecording to clean up all the F-bombs. And in any other movie that wouldn't matter so much, but this is a Die Hard movie. You can only truly die hard when something is rated R. Worst of all — and this does, in fact, count as a spoiler — there's no "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf----r." He says it, and it gets bleeped with noise. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DIE HARD MOVIE AND CUT OFF THAT CHARACTER-ESTABLISHING WORD? Like you needed more evidence of studio greed and soullessness, but there it is anyway. Now you can bring your four-year-old to see it. Any attempt to frame it in a political way will fail, because it stomps all over both sides of the fence. It's from Fox, but the government is made to look foolish. It treats Long's greasy-hacker-who's-seen-Manufacturing Consent like a dope because, you know, the terrorists really are living next door, and we're all going to die. Later on, FEMA and Katrina are referenced. It throws all sorts of little signs at you (flag-waving TV news channel WGWB pops up), and then runs away laughing, kind of daring you to make more out of it than it wants you to. That's because it's really only about things getting blown up and destroyed.


There you go, Phans, another entry of the Phile at long last. Now I have to get of the computer so Logan can play Webkins. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.