Oh, what I meant to say was Lindsay Lohan should be naked taking it from behind dancing on bars. Or something like that. Hello, Phans, I am back, this is the first real
entry done in our beautiful new house in the hills of Groveland, Florida. In the distance I could see the Citrus Tower, and an alligator filled lake across the street. We counted six alligators and that was just today. Disney announced that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called Smoke-ahontas. And another one, the follow-up, Cigarella. Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. To give you an idea of how fast summer has gone by, earlier today, Rosie O’Donnell reported to the Minnesota Vikings training camp. Not such a great time for England. They’ve had the worst flooding in 50 years. The water’s so high that Hogwarts was flooded and Harry Potter drowned. Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every Thurday night. Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting. Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair. Hairspray opened last week. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton. A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.” Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks. Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.” Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010! A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.” MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Few other acts have caused more controversy than Milli Vanilli -- and the drama all began with a record skip. In 1989, the German duo was on top of the world with a No. 1 debut album and a Best New Artist Grammy. But the dreadlocked "singers," Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, didn't actually sing a note on the album -- a fact that was revealed when the duo's backing track skipped during a performance on 1990's Club MTV Tour. They quickly became the world's most hated music act; fans publicly demolished their albums, and the duo was forced to return its Grammy.
R.I.P.
TAMMY FAYE MESSNER: Tammy Faye was cremated. Her makeup will be cremated in a separate ceremony later.
LADY BIRD JOHNSON: Yeah, I got a point on my death pool list!
TODAY IN HISTORY
1826
Schoolmaster Cayetano Ripoll is hanged in Valencia, after uttering his last words: "I die reconciled to God and to man." He is the last person executed by the Spanish Inquisition.
1947
The National Security Council is created.
1984
Serial killer and cannibal Ed Gein dies at the Mendota Mental Health Institute, a home for the criminally insane. Gein inspired the films Psycho and Silence of the Lambs.
1991
Actor Paul Reubens (aka "Pee-wee Herman") is arrested in Sarasota, Florida for jacking off twice with his left hand inside the South Trail XXX Cinema. It was screening the triple feature Catalina Five-O: Tiger Shark, Nancy Nurse, and Turn Up The Heat. Following his masturbatorial debut, Reubens loses his children's television show and product endorsements.
1998
Three spectators are killed by flying debris during the U.S. 500 race at Michigan Speedway. The debris resulted when the car driven by Adrian Fernandez impacted the wall of the raceway, flinging pieces of his suspension into the crowd. Tragically, Fernandez' knees are lightly bruised in the accident and he is unable to complete the race.
DOCTOR WHO
SMITH AND JONES: You can say what you like, but I won't be listening -- "Doctor Who" is one of the best, if not the best, television programmes of all time, and Russell T. Davies' current incarnation of the character and franchise is no exception. The return of series three was marked by several important milestones in the character's chronology (if a linear method of cataloging the Doctor's life can be described in traditional terms); the introduction of a new companion, the setup of plot and theme for the rest of the series, and the subtle hints at bigger things yet to come. If you thought Billie Piper was good as Rose Tyler, then Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones looks set to commit the memory of the Doctor's most recent companion to the distant past. Confident, intelligent and very beautiful; Agyeman captures the qualities necessary in a great companion and injects something new to the series in the shape of a female character fit for the Doctor's fanciful ways. Oh, and she even got to kiss him in one of her very early scenes. I don't think the plot of the opening episode was terribly significant, other than to introduce Martha to the backdrop of a London hospital being transported to the Moon while a bunch of intergalactic policemen searched for a renegade alien (a blood-sucking Plasmavore). As many viewers have already noted, the 'Vote Saxxon' posters which appeared all over the place in Torchwood have started showing up in "Doctor Who" (there was even a mention of Mr Saxxon on a radio news bulletin near the end of this episode). Mr Saxxon, is, of course, the politician character to be played by John Simm ("Life on Mars") in the finale to the current series. Rumors abound as to his true identity, The Master being a potential. Another significant development has set the rumour mill running, when the Doctor casually remarked when asked if he had a brother, replied: "not any more". I don't need to tell you that the Doctor helped to save the day, as ever -- but it's the way he does it which matters. And, as before, he persuaded Martha to join him on his never-ending journey through space in the TARDIS, with the now-immortal line "it also travels in time". THE SHAKESPEARE CODE: To be or not to be? That is the question. And so, the venerable Doctor and his new assistant Martha Jones arrived in London in the year 1599 to pay a visit to the Globe Theatre, where they would meet none other than Mr William Shakespeare. Of course, this was not the first time our hero had met The Bard, but it was certainly one of the most memorable.
The central theme this week focused on the so-called 'missing' Shakespeare play (entitled Love's Labour's Won in this episode), which formed part of the mystery for The Doctor and Martha to unwravel. The presence of three evil witches made the task all the more difficult, since their very existence -- and the future of their imprisoned species -- depended on play being read aloud in the specially-constructed Globe Theatre in order to release them from a sub-dimensional prison. Frightening in parts, witty and sharp (come on folks, it's Shakespeare -- who wouldn't have fun with it?) this was the perfect opportunity for Russell T. Davies and company to get us right back on the bandwagon and straight at the heart of the action. And, as I've said on numerous ocassions before, the best episodes of "Doctor Who" tend to be the ones set in the distant past. Certainly, they tend to be the episodes where the BBC excels; costumed drama, lavish sets and atention to detail. Where futuristic special effects often fail BBC dramas, the period piece often passes with flying colours, and Doctor Who can do both. It was interesting to notice the continuation of The Doctor's grief for the loss of Rose in this episode. Even though she isn't actually dead, it almost seems as if he has dipped into a dark phase of his existence, repeatedly comparing Martha's approach to a mystery to his former companion's in the way someone would with a departed loved one. I think this is going to come to a head at some point, as Martha grows tired of the comparisons. I have to say, I genuinely liked Rose. I liked Billie Piper too, but Freema Aygeman as Martha is a whole new ball game. She's witty, funny, strong and beautiful -- and if the writers are not careful, she could very quickly become the star of the show. Nah, scratch that last suggestion -- David Tennant is fast becoming one of the best Doctors in the history of the series, and it's going to be a tough task to follow up his take on the character, should he decide to leave. GRIDLOCK: It's still early stages in the new series of "Doctor Who", so it's understandable when the writers re-visit old story arcs, and introduce new viewers to old themes. It was like that this week, and whilst it wasn't a high-ranking episode in terms of story, it was still a good bit of fun. And, as with previous weeks in the recent series, when Martha learned something new about the enigmatic time-traveller, so did we. The most fascinating aspect of these recent episodes has had nothing to do with the plot, but the development of the Doctor's relationship with Martha, and the implications it could have on the future. In these early encounters, the Doctor merely appears to be showing off to Martha, demonstrating his ability to take her anywhere he chooses to fulfill her sense of wonder at the marvels of travelling in time and space.
This week, they jetted forward to New-New York, last seen in New Earth from the previous season. However, the city hadbeen transformed into a lower-level hell of flight-powered vehicles caught in a perpetual traffic jam, and when Martha was carjacked in order for two passengers to enter the so-called 'fast lane', the Doctor found himself in a race against time to rescue her. Key to this episode was The Face of Boe, and enigmatic giant head in a jar who has made appearances in previous episodes, with the promise of a secret to be revealed. It transpired that a virus had consumed the city many years before, and the Face of Boe had helped initiate a lock-down which protected as many of the citizens as possible in a make-believe underworld traffic jam, where they would drive for an eternity in the hope of reaching the real city. Having already lied to Martha about his home planet and his people still existing, the Doctor found himself with the much bigger task of not only rescuing his new assistant from almost certain death, but liberating the people of a lost city -- with the help of the Face. And before the Face died giving his last to free the people, he told the Doctor that he was not alone in the universe... Next week's episode promised the return of the Daleks (entitled Daleks in Manhattan), with a sneaky line from the Doctor to the effect of: "I lose everything, and they continue to survive."
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm really surprised "On The Lot" has made it this long without getting yanked. My suspicion is Fox doesn't quite have the guts to cancel a show produced by the venerable Steven Spielberg, but they're covertly doing everything in their power to get this stinker off the air. Hence, the double eliminations for the last two weeks. By my calculations, if we continue cutting two people a week, we'll only be subjected to four or five more episodes tops. I think this may be the first time I've ever consistently watched a show on a weekly basis while simultaneously wanting it to die. Yup, this show is definitely an anomaly, but in the worst kind of way. Let's hope the world is never subjected to a show about the movie-making process ever again. It just doesn't seem to work.
MOVIE BUZZ
Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane says he wants to make a film version of his cult TV hit as long as it's not "the Griffins must save the world," an obvious dis to The Simpsons Movie. If guys from both the shows come to blows, they should tape their pinkies down so they only punch with four fingers.
Cloverfield
Shaky camera phone images and the studio registering the domain TheMonstrousMovie.com seem to suggest Monstrous may be the official title. Meanwhile, in this shaky set video, hordes of people are seen running in terror in downtown L.A. — either from an unseen monster, or Lindsay Lohan got behind the wheel of her SUV again.
TheDarjeeling Limited
In the trailer for Wes Anderson's latest quirkfest, Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman are estranged brothers who take a train ride across India so they can rebond with each other. What? Going to a strip club isn't good enough for them?
Y: The Last Man
Disturbia's director, D.J. Caruso, has just signed on to direct this comic-book adaptation about the last man on Earth, who's pursued by hostile women. If that were me, I know the perfect hiding spot: in a comic-book store.
John Hancock
The other week we got to see photos of Will Smith as a flying hobo; now here he is being suspended on wires in a leather superhero outfit. I hear he took home the S&M-looking getup and made Jada a very happy woman in the bedroom.
Spawn 2
Writer/artist Todd McFarlane says a sequel/reboot of his 1997 comic-book adaptation has been rejected by several studios, so he's going to produce it himself. Plus, he says the titular superhero won't speak in the film, nor will he ever appear wearing his costume. I plan on seeing this. Nobody will see me sitting in the theater, but I'll be there. I swear.
The Silver Surfer
The Surfer's solo has picked up a director: Alex Proyas, who previously directed the dark superhero flick The Crow. This is great, because after Tim Story's sitcom-y approach in the FF sequel, the silvery dude is in desperate need of a good tarnishing.
Major Movie Star
Steve Guttenberg will co-star in Jessica Simpson's upcoming comedy about a spoiled actress who impulsively joins the Army. So, in 20 years he's gone from starring as a boob in a police uniform to acting alongside a pair of them in fatigues.
The Shinjuku Incident
This drama about Chinese immigrants living in Tokyo will most likely be Jackie Chan's first stuntless film. In a show of solidarity, Jackie's Rush Hour 3 co-star Chris Tucker says he's not going to be funny in his next movie. To which Jackie replied, "Wait, you were trying to be funny before?"
The Hottest State
The trailer for Ethan Hawke's directorial debut, for which he wrote the script based on his own novel and stars as an estranged Texan father. As if that wasn't enough, Hawke also sewed all the costumes, built the sets and cooked upa mean plate of BBQ for the catering.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
How does one ensure that a sequel to a stuffy period film from almost a decade ago does really well at the box office? Float a story on the Internet that its Academy Award-winning star Cate Blanchett appears nude, that's how!
MOVIE BUZZ REVIEWS
Transformers
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson, Megan Fox, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, Jon Voight. If, like the hosts of the Today show ( I just watched them interview a sort of sheepish, worn-out Duhamel), you don't know that the Autobots are the good robots and the Decepticons are the bad ones, then you are old. I mean, I'm old, too. I was living in England when the Transformers first came out. Anyway, they fight — these giant robots. They fight a lot. And it's AWESOME. You will leave smiling like you were seven years old and just managed to throw your toys off a very high place, watching them smash into pieces on the ground. Michael "The Touch" Bay, bless his narratively deranged soul, somehow knew that he would be forgiven for tampering somewhat with the "mythology" if he simply made sure that things were constantly exploding and that robots never stopped fighting. So that's what happens. In fact — and this isn't a spoiler — the last 30 to 40 minutes of this long, loud movie (it's almost two and half hours) is all special effects and action. Just battles and blowing stuff up. Headache-prone parents, take note. They want this power cube. It's not that important to know really. They were pretty much just born to fight. And that senselessness is also kind of brilliant, because the film is based on a line of Gen Y 1980s toys that had no agenda but to transform and battle. Storylines followed later. And in keeping with that '80s feeling, it's very Reagan-y — gung-ho about stuff like war and the military. It would be annoying if it were even remotely about real life. But it ain't. Nerds, rejoice — well, at least rejoice over this one thing: They got the original voice of Optimus Prime, Peter Cullen, to come back and do it again. And I just learned that he's also the voice of Eeyore, which is kind of funny.
What about the humans? What about them? Their job is to react to stuff that's not really there, which I'm sure is hard for an actor. But whatever. More robots fighting!
Live Free Or Die Hard
Starring Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Maggie Q, Timothy Olyphant. Attention-starved tech terrorists (led by Olyphant, doing an imperious, bug-eyed cartoon-villain face) decide to shut down the entire economic and security structures of the United States, causing chaos every time they hit "Enter" on their keyboards. Willis, however, doesn't know much about computers, so he prefers to stop them by crashing a flying car into a helicopter. What I love most about this, and movies that steal from it, is that plausibility is dispensed with early on, and there's never such thing as Too Much when it comes to piling on the threat or destroying property. It's like, "Oh, I'm dangling over a pit of molten metal? And you're shooting at me with a machine gun while I dangle? Well, check this out: I just happen to be dangling in the exact spot where the secret lever that releases liquid nitrogen lives! Now it is you who are doomed!" That's what I came to see, and that's what I got, and now I'm happy. (No, that example isn't actually in the movie.) One beef: It's a limit-pushing PG-13. And you can tell if you look carefully, because they clearly shot an R-rated and then chopped out all the bullets to the head and did some sloppy voice rerecording to clean up all the F-bombs. And in any other movie that wouldn't matter so much, but this is a Die Hard movie. You can only truly die hard when something is rated R. Worst of all — and this does, in fact, count as a spoiler — there's no "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf----r." He says it, and it gets bleeped with noise. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DIE HARD MOVIE AND CUT OFF THAT CHARACTER-ESTABLISHING WORD? Like you needed more evidence of studio greed and soullessness, but there it is anyway. Now you can bring your four-year-old to see it. Any attempt to frame it in a political way will fail, because it stomps all over both sides of the fence. It's from Fox, but the government is made to look foolish. It treats Long's greasy-hacker-who's-seen-Manufacturing Consent like a dope because, you know, the terrorists really are living next door, and we're all going to die. Later on, FEMA and Katrina are referenced. It throws all sorts of little signs at you (flag-waving TV news channel WGWB pops up), and then runs away laughing, kind of daring you to make more out of it than it wants you to. That's because it's really only about things getting blown up and destroyed.
There you go, Phans, another entry of the Phile at long last. Now I have to get of the computer so Logan can play Webkins. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Something Short
Hello, and welcome to the Phile. I have tons of stuff to catch up on, as there was no entry last week 'cause our move.
A few episodes of "On the Lot" to report, as well as "Big Brother" and "Doctor Who".
Then there's jokes, and Movie Buzz news, and a shit load of other stuff.
But, my office is not done yet, and I am typing this on the floor, indian style. It takes me a minimum of three hours to write the Phile, and I cannot sit like this all that time.
If I did, I would be stuck. I am not as young as I used to be. Hopefully by next Thursday my office will be done, and the desk will be made.
I will let you know when, okay? Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Jason
A few episodes of "On the Lot" to report, as well as "Big Brother" and "Doctor Who".
Then there's jokes, and Movie Buzz news, and a shit load of other stuff.
But, my office is not done yet, and I am typing this on the floor, indian style. It takes me a minimum of three hours to write the Phile, and I cannot sit like this all that time.
If I did, I would be stuck. I am not as young as I used to be. Hopefully by next Thursday my office will be done, and the desk will be made.
I will let you know when, okay? Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Jason
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I'd Rather Lick Chocolate Off Kelly Clarkson's Ass
Hello, there, kids, welcome to the Phile, the internet's most updated blog. I am your host, Slackformer. So, yesterday was Independence Day and I read the Declaration of Independence at the morning meeting at work yesterday. It was kinda ironic having a Brit reading it, you know. It would of been more ironic if a gay black Jew read it. Hot today in Minneola. Tell me if you don’t think this is odd: The UPS guy, today, asked me if I’d put sun lotion on his legs. It’s been a crazy week. Paris Hilton went on "Larry King.” Out of habit, Larry asked her for a divorce. Paris says she’s never going to drink and drive again. That’ll be something to see — Paris all tipsy riding the bus. Paris said she hated prison. There’s some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I’ve actually seen video of her doing that. The iPhone came out this week. People were camping out all night in front of the store. These people are pathetic, really . . . oh come on — get a life. Especially the people behind me in line. They were noisy. Two movies opened this week, the cartoon Ratatouille, and Michael Moore’s Sicko. Two very different movies: One is about a big rat who’s obsessed with food, always getting into trouble, and the other one is Ratatouille. Another presidential debate. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it. Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He’s writing a book about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing. The Spice Girls are getting back together! That’s great! Your enthusiasm is also phony! Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific. It could just be a Lions fan!
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Michael Jackson's career became too hot to handle on Jan. 27, 1984, when the superstar's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. During the sixth take of the now-infamous ad, Jacko was doused with a shower of pyrotechnic sparks, setting his hair ablaze. Jackson was taken to hospital where he was treated for second degree burns.
R.I.P.
Bill Pinkney: How many Drifters are there? 100? Well, now there's 99...
Will Schaefer: Wrote music for TV shows including "The Flintstones" and "I Dream of Jeannie". Reworked "It's a Small World" for the Disney ride (isn't there a circle in Hell reserved for people who do stuff like that?).
David Ritcheson: He found out he was surrounded by seamen.
Beverly Sills: Down and Out is Beverly Sills.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1946
Louis Reard's latest swimsuit creation, the two-piece Bikini, goes on sale in Paris.
1948
The body of 29-year-old actress Carole Landis is discovered in her home in Brentwood Heights, California. Landis, whose film career had recently stalled, overdosed on Seconal and left behind a suicide note addressed to her mother.
1963
The Catholic Church finally sanctions cremation as an acceptable means of remains disposal. (Code of Canon Law, Can. 1176)
1984
In deciding United States v. Leon, the Supreme Court permits "good faith" exceptions the exclusionary rule. Illegal evidence is now admissible if obtained by the police in "good faith." Justice William Brennan writes, "The Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Jason, did I miss the memo stating turn signals are now optional ? What the fuck is with people these days ? I just LOVE getting stuck behind some jerk off who couldn't tell me he was going to turn so I could go around him. And I SO enjoy getting stuck at an intersection where I dont want to make my turn thinking I'd get hit if I go out to far from some dickless mo-fo who couldnt tell everybody else he was turning and now I have to wait for traffic to clear coming both ways.
I think you and I BOTH missed that memo. There's nothing worse than sitting at an intersection waiting for some useless prick to figure out where the hell they want to go. Right? Left? Straight? Give me a fucking clue or you may end up with the shiny side down, if you know what I mean.
NUTTED BY REALITY
On "On the Lot" Adriana and Garry Marshall immediately let us know that David and his terrible sexual comedy were going home this week. Good riddance. I'm giving up on trying to make suggestions on ways to improve this stinker. Let's just get right to the movies. This week's guest judge was Eli Roth, writer and director of gorefests such as Cabin Fever and the Hostel movies.
GEEK TALK
In order for a live action Justice League movie to work, Superman and Batman would have to be included. And in order for fans to truly buy the flick, Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would need to fill those shoes. Not just because they're the best men for the job, but because that's who's currently playing the characters in other movies. But here's the big question: Would both men be interested in taking on the role in a different film, written by different people and directed, I assume, by someone who's not currently attached to either franchise? Well Brandon Routh already answered that question -- he'd be down. And seeing as Hollywood casting agencies aren't banging on his door, I imagine Routh would be game for just about anything Superman related at this point. But what about Bale? He's obviously a much more sought-after actor -- who's also probably contracted for a certain amount of films (3?) -- so would he be down with a crossover flick? IGN attempted to ask Bale that question while he was out promoting Rescue Dawn, his latest film. His answer: "It's like I was saying to Chris [Nolan] -- I'll be probably doing this in dinner theater somewhere in my 50s, so I won't knock it. Because who knows where I'll end up?" Great, thanks for the unbelievably vague answer Christian! I guess if you're in favor of a Justice League movie, then Bale's optimism should make you feel a tad more comfortable about his participation. Then again, if they're planning to shoot a JLA flick next year, will that automatically delay work on a third Batman film? And if Bale is contracted for three films, will he do what will essentially be his fourth Batman-related flick with Nolan?
To answer that question, Bale recently told the "Star Ledger" that he would be interested in reprising the character for a third film with Nolan. He says: "The script leaves room for a very interesting follow-up, too. I think we could take it somewhere else." Hmm, does that mean Nolan will end with Harvey Dent being splashed with acid? Will he tease his Two Face transformation? Is that what Bale was alluding to? As far as when we'll see some actual footage from the current flick, The Dark Knight, Dark Horizons reports Warner Bros. has confirmed that no Dark Knight footage will be shown later this month at ComicCon, as previously rumored. Why? Well, there's simply not enough done yet. However, they do report that Wizard World Chicago -- taking place just a few weeks later -- might be previewing something. So stay tuned, we'll let you know what we hear.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Avengers
Screenwriter Zak Penn says he needs to take "a break" from his other superhero movie project (The Incredible Hulk) before he begins tackling this one.
Captain America
Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige says he's got a writer working on the script, is also looking for a director and hopes to get production going within the next year.
Constantine 2
After saying for years he'd never do another sequel, Keanu Reeves suddenly seemed open to the idea late last year. Rachel Weisz and Shia LaBeouf are set to co-star — however, there hasn't been any official announcement of the film actually going into production.
The Dark Knight
Christian Bale is back, Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes, Aaron Eckhart is Two-Face — and Heath Ledger may just be the creepiest Joker ever! Director Christopher Nolan can rest assured that his Batman Begins resurrection is a success.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hot off of one of the most acclaimed films of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro is expected to bring in an over-the-top action/fantasy adventure that's sure to top his more modest original.
The Incredible Hulk
Edward Norton seems like an odd choice to take over the lead in a sequel, but the key to the Hulk's enduring success is his tortured human side, tortured being something Norton's really good at playing. Other casting notes: Liv Tyler as love interest Betty Brant, Tim Roth as gamma-ified enemy the Abomination and William Hurt as General Thunderbolt Ross.
Iron Man
Though based on only a third-tier Marvel superhero at best, this film has garnered huge buzz and speculation thanks to its A-list cast and former Swingers leading man turned director Jon Favreau.
Justice League
Reportedly, the first draft of the script by husband/wife writing team Kieran and Michele Mulroney is so strong that Warner Bros. is already looking for a director. It's also unknown that with The Man of Steel, The Dark Knight and Wonder Woman still quite a ways from showing up on the big screen if DC's three biggest heroes would even show up in this team-up movie.
Magneto
Since this will be a tale of a young master of magnetism, it's unknown if Sir Ian McKellen will appear at all. Plus, this will probably go into production after the Wolverine spinoff (more on that later). So, it's probably quite a few years off.
Shazam!
Still in the early planning stages, a rumor of Jake Gyllenhaal taking the lead turned out to be just that. Writer John August (Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has claimed to want to be faithful to the old source material, but that might be tricky, since the good Captain, who made his debut in 1939, was such an obvious rip-off of Superman.
The Silver Surfer
Fox is already so gung-ho on this supporting character — and with an impressive $57 mil. opening weekend, who wouldn't be? — that they've commissioned a script for a solo film by cult TV ("Babylon 5") and comic (The Amazing Spider-Man) writer J. Michael Straczynski.
Sin City 2
Allegedly waiting for Angelina Jolie's schedule to open up caused delays in this project's production. Whether that's true or not, Rachel Weisz is now rumored to have taken over Jolie's role. Johnny Depp is also rumored to be joining up.
Spider-Man 4
The principles involved with the first three films — Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi — are all being coy: They'll only make another sequel if they all come back for it. (Read: Will Sony cough up the cash for all of them again?) Rumors of Jake Gyllenhaal taking over from Maguire abound, but that guy's rumored for just about every future superhero movie.
The Spirit
Frank Miller (again!) makes his directing debut with this update of the classic comic character created by Will Eisner. His first choice to play super-villain Octopus? Bad mo'fo Samuel L. Jackson.
Superman: The Man of Steel
Although Superman Returns was generally considered a letdown, director Bryan Singer claims the sequel will have much more action. Rumors abound that Orlando Bloom will have a role, possibly that of General Zod from the original Superman II.
Super Max
David Goyer (Blade: Trinity, The Invisible) is attached to direct; no screenplay yet.
Teen Titans
Already an animated hit on Cartoon Network, the Titans go live action with movie/TV/comic writer Mark Verheiden (The Mask) already working on the script.
Thor
With the release of Stardust still looming on the horizon, director Matthew Vaughn is already angling for his next comics-to-film project.
The Watchmen
Widely considered the greatest superhero graphic novel ever written, Watchmen has had a rocky road to the movies. Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm) and Paul Greengrass (United 93) were both given green, then red, lights for the project at different times, but after 300 became a phenomenon, Zack Snyder became the obvious choice to helm. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Chris Evans are signed on to star.
Wolverine
Marvel producers say this will be the next "official" picture in the X-Men franchise, rather than another sequel with multiple mutants. Hugh Jackman is back, of course, and both Tyler Mane and Vinnie Jones insist they will return as villains (Sabretooth and Juggernaut respectively), but that's probably just both of them lobbying for acting gigs.
Wonder Woman
Despite working on a script for years, Joss Whedon famously walked off the project earlier this year, citing creative differences with producer Joel Silver. No new writer and/or director has been announced yet, and just about every hot young actress in Hollywood has claimed to want the starring part.
And now for the review of Ratatouille. Featuring the voices of Patton Oswalt, Peter O' Toole, Janeane Garofalo, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett. A fastidiously clean French rat who loves to cook turns a newbie chef into his own personal marionette (sitting under the kid's tall white hat, he magically controls the secretly awful cook's hands by yanking on locks of hair … look, it's a cartoon; you just accept that this can happen) and turns around the fortunes of a formerly fancy restaurant while simultaneously thwarting the greedy goals of a hack chef whose evil agenda is to make a lot of money off a line of frozen foods. I'm really hoping this makes a ton of money and sparks a trend of mainstream animated features that rely more on plot and character than on by-the-numbers cartoonisms, because it's that different from what you've seen before in a movie that's ostensibly aimed at kids. Not that it's not fast-paced and kid-friendly. But it's also so fantastically strong that there are entire sequences where going for the easy laugh or the quick plot turn is something you could tell was just not on the minds of the filmmakers. You notice stuff like that when you've had to sit through crap like Surf's Up. The pots and pans looked real. In fact, just about every object in the kitchen scenes is almost mind-trickingly, photographically true. And yet still cartoony, if that makes sense. Like to the point where I was imagining it also being made as a live-action feature by Jeunet and Caro (City of Lost Children, Amélie). Very little kids might get restless. At the screening I went to, there were, as usual, hordes of screaming children. The under-fours seemed a little noncomprehending. But then again, that could have been a result of the 110-minute running time. And Wolfgang Puck should be offended, although his frozen pizza is not so horrible. That canned soup of his, though, is pretty gross. From one to 10, it gets a 9.
Whew! There you have it, another entry of the Phile. Now, here's the sitch, and no crying. The Phile won't be updated next week as we will be in the middle of getting our new house situated. But the Phile will be back the week after that. In the meantime, go to P.F. Chang's for some lettuce wraps and spread the word, not the turd. Later.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it. Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He’s writing a book about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing. The Spice Girls are getting back together! That’s great! Your enthusiasm is also phony! Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific. It could just be a Lions fan!
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Michael Jackson's career became too hot to handle on Jan. 27, 1984, when the superstar's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. During the sixth take of the now-infamous ad, Jacko was doused with a shower of pyrotechnic sparks, setting his hair ablaze. Jackson was taken to hospital where he was treated for second degree burns.
R.I.P.
Bill Pinkney: How many Drifters are there? 100? Well, now there's 99...
Will Schaefer: Wrote music for TV shows including "The Flintstones" and "I Dream of Jeannie". Reworked "It's a Small World" for the Disney ride (isn't there a circle in Hell reserved for people who do stuff like that?).
David Ritcheson: He found out he was surrounded by seamen.
Beverly Sills: Down and Out is Beverly Sills.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1946
Louis Reard's latest swimsuit creation, the two-piece Bikini, goes on sale in Paris.
1948
The body of 29-year-old actress Carole Landis is discovered in her home in Brentwood Heights, California. Landis, whose film career had recently stalled, overdosed on Seconal and left behind a suicide note addressed to her mother.
1963
The Catholic Church finally sanctions cremation as an acceptable means of remains disposal. (Code of Canon Law, Can. 1176)
1984
In deciding United States v. Leon, the Supreme Court permits "good faith" exceptions the exclusionary rule. Illegal evidence is now admissible if obtained by the police in "good faith." Justice William Brennan writes, "The Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Jason, did I miss the memo stating turn signals are now optional ? What the fuck is with people these days ? I just LOVE getting stuck behind some jerk off who couldn't tell me he was going to turn so I could go around him. And I SO enjoy getting stuck at an intersection where I dont want to make my turn thinking I'd get hit if I go out to far from some dickless mo-fo who couldnt tell everybody else he was turning and now I have to wait for traffic to clear coming both ways.
I think you and I BOTH missed that memo. There's nothing worse than sitting at an intersection waiting for some useless prick to figure out where the hell they want to go. Right? Left? Straight? Give me a fucking clue or you may end up with the shiny side down, if you know what I mean.
NUTTED BY REALITY
On "On the Lot" Adriana and Garry Marshall immediately let us know that David and his terrible sexual comedy were going home this week. Good riddance. I'm giving up on trying to make suggestions on ways to improve this stinker. Let's just get right to the movies. This week's guest judge was Eli Roth, writer and director of gorefests such as Cabin Fever and the Hostel movies.
GEEK TALK
In order for a live action Justice League movie to work, Superman and Batman would have to be included. And in order for fans to truly buy the flick, Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would need to fill those shoes. Not just because they're the best men for the job, but because that's who's currently playing the characters in other movies. But here's the big question: Would both men be interested in taking on the role in a different film, written by different people and directed, I assume, by someone who's not currently attached to either franchise? Well Brandon Routh already answered that question -- he'd be down. And seeing as Hollywood casting agencies aren't banging on his door, I imagine Routh would be game for just about anything Superman related at this point. But what about Bale? He's obviously a much more sought-after actor -- who's also probably contracted for a certain amount of films (3?) -- so would he be down with a crossover flick? IGN attempted to ask Bale that question while he was out promoting Rescue Dawn, his latest film. His answer: "It's like I was saying to Chris [Nolan] -- I'll be probably doing this in dinner theater somewhere in my 50s, so I won't knock it. Because who knows where I'll end up?" Great, thanks for the unbelievably vague answer Christian! I guess if you're in favor of a Justice League movie, then Bale's optimism should make you feel a tad more comfortable about his participation. Then again, if they're planning to shoot a JLA flick next year, will that automatically delay work on a third Batman film? And if Bale is contracted for three films, will he do what will essentially be his fourth Batman-related flick with Nolan?
To answer that question, Bale recently told the "Star Ledger" that he would be interested in reprising the character for a third film with Nolan. He says: "The script leaves room for a very interesting follow-up, too. I think we could take it somewhere else." Hmm, does that mean Nolan will end with Harvey Dent being splashed with acid? Will he tease his Two Face transformation? Is that what Bale was alluding to? As far as when we'll see some actual footage from the current flick, The Dark Knight, Dark Horizons reports Warner Bros. has confirmed that no Dark Knight footage will be shown later this month at ComicCon, as previously rumored. Why? Well, there's simply not enough done yet. However, they do report that Wizard World Chicago -- taking place just a few weeks later -- might be previewing something. So stay tuned, we'll let you know what we hear.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Avengers
Screenwriter Zak Penn says he needs to take "a break" from his other superhero movie project (The Incredible Hulk) before he begins tackling this one.
Captain America
Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige says he's got a writer working on the script, is also looking for a director and hopes to get production going within the next year.
Constantine 2
After saying for years he'd never do another sequel, Keanu Reeves suddenly seemed open to the idea late last year. Rachel Weisz and Shia LaBeouf are set to co-star — however, there hasn't been any official announcement of the film actually going into production.
The Dark Knight
Christian Bale is back, Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes, Aaron Eckhart is Two-Face — and Heath Ledger may just be the creepiest Joker ever! Director Christopher Nolan can rest assured that his Batman Begins resurrection is a success.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hot off of one of the most acclaimed films of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro is expected to bring in an over-the-top action/fantasy adventure that's sure to top his more modest original.
The Incredible Hulk
Edward Norton seems like an odd choice to take over the lead in a sequel, but the key to the Hulk's enduring success is his tortured human side, tortured being something Norton's really good at playing. Other casting notes: Liv Tyler as love interest Betty Brant, Tim Roth as gamma-ified enemy the Abomination and William Hurt as General Thunderbolt Ross.
Iron Man
Though based on only a third-tier Marvel superhero at best, this film has garnered huge buzz and speculation thanks to its A-list cast and former Swingers leading man turned director Jon Favreau.
Justice League
Reportedly, the first draft of the script by husband/wife writing team Kieran and Michele Mulroney is so strong that Warner Bros. is already looking for a director. It's also unknown that with The Man of Steel, The Dark Knight and Wonder Woman still quite a ways from showing up on the big screen if DC's three biggest heroes would even show up in this team-up movie.
Magneto
Since this will be a tale of a young master of magnetism, it's unknown if Sir Ian McKellen will appear at all. Plus, this will probably go into production after the Wolverine spinoff (more on that later). So, it's probably quite a few years off.
Shazam!
Still in the early planning stages, a rumor of Jake Gyllenhaal taking the lead turned out to be just that. Writer John August (Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has claimed to want to be faithful to the old source material, but that might be tricky, since the good Captain, who made his debut in 1939, was such an obvious rip-off of Superman.
The Silver Surfer
Fox is already so gung-ho on this supporting character — and with an impressive $57 mil. opening weekend, who wouldn't be? — that they've commissioned a script for a solo film by cult TV ("Babylon 5") and comic (The Amazing Spider-Man) writer J. Michael Straczynski.
Sin City 2
Allegedly waiting for Angelina Jolie's schedule to open up caused delays in this project's production. Whether that's true or not, Rachel Weisz is now rumored to have taken over Jolie's role. Johnny Depp is also rumored to be joining up.
Spider-Man 4
The principles involved with the first three films — Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi — are all being coy: They'll only make another sequel if they all come back for it. (Read: Will Sony cough up the cash for all of them again?) Rumors of Jake Gyllenhaal taking over from Maguire abound, but that guy's rumored for just about every future superhero movie.
The Spirit
Frank Miller (again!) makes his directing debut with this update of the classic comic character created by Will Eisner. His first choice to play super-villain Octopus? Bad mo'fo Samuel L. Jackson.
Superman: The Man of Steel
Although Superman Returns was generally considered a letdown, director Bryan Singer claims the sequel will have much more action. Rumors abound that Orlando Bloom will have a role, possibly that of General Zod from the original Superman II.
Super Max
David Goyer (Blade: Trinity, The Invisible) is attached to direct; no screenplay yet.
Teen Titans
Already an animated hit on Cartoon Network, the Titans go live action with movie/TV/comic writer Mark Verheiden (The Mask) already working on the script.
Thor
With the release of Stardust still looming on the horizon, director Matthew Vaughn is already angling for his next comics-to-film project.
The Watchmen
Widely considered the greatest superhero graphic novel ever written, Watchmen has had a rocky road to the movies. Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm) and Paul Greengrass (United 93) were both given green, then red, lights for the project at different times, but after 300 became a phenomenon, Zack Snyder became the obvious choice to helm. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Chris Evans are signed on to star.
Wolverine
Marvel producers say this will be the next "official" picture in the X-Men franchise, rather than another sequel with multiple mutants. Hugh Jackman is back, of course, and both Tyler Mane and Vinnie Jones insist they will return as villains (Sabretooth and Juggernaut respectively), but that's probably just both of them lobbying for acting gigs.
Wonder Woman
Despite working on a script for years, Joss Whedon famously walked off the project earlier this year, citing creative differences with producer Joel Silver. No new writer and/or director has been announced yet, and just about every hot young actress in Hollywood has claimed to want the starring part.
And now for the review of Ratatouille. Featuring the voices of Patton Oswalt, Peter O' Toole, Janeane Garofalo, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett. A fastidiously clean French rat who loves to cook turns a newbie chef into his own personal marionette (sitting under the kid's tall white hat, he magically controls the secretly awful cook's hands by yanking on locks of hair … look, it's a cartoon; you just accept that this can happen) and turns around the fortunes of a formerly fancy restaurant while simultaneously thwarting the greedy goals of a hack chef whose evil agenda is to make a lot of money off a line of frozen foods. I'm really hoping this makes a ton of money and sparks a trend of mainstream animated features that rely more on plot and character than on by-the-numbers cartoonisms, because it's that different from what you've seen before in a movie that's ostensibly aimed at kids. Not that it's not fast-paced and kid-friendly. But it's also so fantastically strong that there are entire sequences where going for the easy laugh or the quick plot turn is something you could tell was just not on the minds of the filmmakers. You notice stuff like that when you've had to sit through crap like Surf's Up. The pots and pans looked real. In fact, just about every object in the kitchen scenes is almost mind-trickingly, photographically true. And yet still cartoony, if that makes sense. Like to the point where I was imagining it also being made as a live-action feature by Jeunet and Caro (City of Lost Children, Amélie). Very little kids might get restless. At the screening I went to, there were, as usual, hordes of screaming children. The under-fours seemed a little noncomprehending. But then again, that could have been a result of the 110-minute running time. And Wolfgang Puck should be offended, although his frozen pizza is not so horrible. That canned soup of his, though, is pretty gross. From one to 10, it gets a 9.
Whew! There you have it, another entry of the Phile. Now, here's the sitch, and no crying. The Phile won't be updated next week as we will be in the middle of getting our new house situated. But the Phile will be back the week after that. In the meantime, go to P.F. Chang's for some lettuce wraps and spread the word, not the turd. Later.