Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, the internet's most updated blog. This weekend I was back at Disney/MGM Studios working Jeremy Bulloch's autograph line. Jeremy played Boba Fett in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He was one of the most nicest, sincere celebrities I have ever met. He reminded me a lot of my dad as well with his British humour. I said to my wife "I hope that when I am in my 60's I am as cool, calm and collected as he was, and that I will be a British gentleman." She said, "No, you're always going to be an asshole."I was excited to learn that he was in "Doctor Who", James Bond movies and of course the Star Wars movies. My wife said she was surprised I didn't do him in the butt. Whatever that meant. Anyway, I will talk more about Jeremy later. So, happy Father's Day, dad's. For some reason, Sunday is Father’s Day. Disney charged an $20 for park admission, just so the princessess could call you Daddy. Last week I went to take Logan to see Surf's Up, but ended up seeing Knocked Up instead. I got confused with the movies. More trouble for the New York Yankees. Jason Giambi may be suspended if he doesn’t answer questions about steroids. This is serious. This is no laughing matter. This why Rosie got fired. Arnold Schwarzenegger in the news. Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group that if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, how about you tell us how you learned English, and we’ll do the opposite. Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister Tiffany. Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter . . . You are going to jail. Barbara Walters got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Barbara, of course, had another "Star” about a year ago, but she fired that bitch. There’s something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they’re German. You know they’re just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. Most squirrels will only attack you if you provoke them. Like if you go for their nuts. I have to say, I’m the same way. Normally very placid, but if you go for my nuts . . . I’ve been hearing complaints from Paris’ fellow prisoners that her family has been getting special treatment, but according to recently released inmates, the special treatment has been trickling down to them. "We are getting special treatment because of her. We’re getting two peanut butter sandwiches, two jellies, two bologna sandwiches . . . we only get one usually.” Check me in. It’s part of the Hilton Awards Program, I guess. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab. She’s planning her birthday party while she’s in there. She planning a big bash in a night club in Las Vegas. What a way to celebrate your sobriety. How many "re’s” can you put in front of rehab? June is for high school graduations and weddings. And here in Minneola, many kids do both on the same day. Dick Cheney, our vice president, needs a new pace maker. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore. President Bush visited the Pope last weekend. He made a mistake. Instead of calling the Pope Your Holiness, he called him sir. Then, instead of kissing the Pope’s ring, Bush went for a high-five and said, "Up top, Popie.” Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street-naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, "I’m honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard.” Paris Hilton has been dropped by her talent agency. But don’t worry, Paris was immediately snatched up by a no-talent agency.
A judge in Washington is suing a dry cleaners for $65 million over his pants that were ruined. He was crying in the court today. I found out he’s crying in court because he’s just gone through a divorce. That’s why his pants are so important to him. I mean he’s just lost his shirt. Steven Spielberg made a big announcement today: He’s endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. And he’s putting her in his new movie, Raiders of the Lost Cause. If you think "The Sopranos” left you feeling cheated, just wait until the end of this blog. Britney Spears in the news. Britney Spears has been telling her friends that she’s planning on getting back together with Kevin Federline. Britney says it wasn’t an easy decision, but she knows in her heart it’s the stupid thing to do. Here’s an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, "See!” I'm British, I could say that. And now, for a new feature called...
UNLUCKY MUSICIANS
And no, the first one isn't my dad because he had me as a son. Keith Richards is regarded as one of rock's most indestructible icons, but on April 27, 2006, the Rolling Stones guitarist proved he was human after all when he fell out of a coconut tree while vacationing in Fiji and suffered a concussion. Richards required surgery to relieve a blood clot in his brain two weeks after the fall, and the Stones were forced to postpone 15 European tour dates. "Keef" made a speedy recovery and the Stones were back to finish their tour in July.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1939
In Versailles, Eugene Weidmann becomes the last person to be publicly guillotined.
1968
Ohio Express' "Yummy Yummy Yummy (I've got love in my tummy)" goes gold.
1972
The "plumbers" break into Democratic National Committee Headquarters in the Watergate complex, in the course of what President Nixon will later describe as a "third rate burglary." In actuality, it is an attempt by the Republican Party to illegally wiretap the opposition.
1994
O.J. Simpson fails to turn himself in to the LAPD at a prearranged time and is later spotted in a white Ford Bronco on a Los Angeles expressway. After a low-speed pursuit through the freeways and streets of Brentwood, O.J. is finally arrested live on television in the driveway of his mansion. According to one of the defense attorneys who served on O.J.'s "Dream Team," Simpson tried to kill himself in the car, but the gun misfired. The Juice allegedly told him: "I pulled the trigger and it didn't go off."
LOCAL GIRLS
SANFORD -- A jury Friday convicted a 32-year-old Deltona woman of twice having sex with a 5-year-old boy while her husband, a professional pornographer, filmed the whole thing. Jurors watched the videotapes Wednesday. They deliberated less than an hour Friday before reaching their verdict. The woman, Kelly Lumadue, now faces a sentence of life in prison without parole. Assistant State Attorney Anna Valentini said that is the only sentence allowed by law for Lumadue's crimes of capital sexual battery. They happened in 1996 at the Longwood-area home Lumadue shared with her husband, Leonard "Bud" Lumadue. He was a house painter but discovered he could make more money in adult entertainment, Kelly Lumadue told a Seminole County deputy during her confession. Leonard Lumadue died of cancer in 2003.
A few months later, she decided to throw away his videotapes, she told the deputy. She put some in a garbage bag and hauled them to the curb. That's where a garbage collector found them, took them home, discovered what they were, then turned them over to authorities. The boy, now a teenager, did not testify. Defense attorney James "Tad" Figgatt said the teenager did not remember the incidents. Figgatt portrayed Kelly Lumadue as a long-suffering victim. Her husband coerced and physically abused her, Figgatt said. Leonard Lumadue pressured her for two months to have sex with the boy, she told the deputy. "It was something that he really, really wanted me to do," she said. She had appeared in Leonard Lumadue's films since she was 17, long before they were married, she said. Back then, he was married to someone else, she said. After the verdict, Lumadue was handcuffed and taken to the Seminole County Jail. She will be sentenced July 27.
HOW TO TELL IF AXL ROSE IS YOUR REAL DAD
When Father's Day comes around, for most of us, that only means one thing... Another day spent pondering that all-too-common question: "Is Axl Rose my real dad?" As front man for the notorious 80's band Guns N Roses, Axl Rose has of course cemented his place in rock music history. And let's be blunt and talk odds here, he's most likely had sex with your mother on numerous occasions. And, knowing your mother, it was probably pretty good. Use the following checklist to determine whether there's any basis to your nagging fear that when Axl Rose sang "Sweet Child O' Mine," he was singing about you. You have no rare blood diseases. It doesn't take a geneticist to know that not having a rare blood disease is hereditary. And it turns out that Axl rose doesn't have any rare blood diseases either. You do the math. Tommy Hilfiger wants nothingto do with you. After the infamous 2006 falling out between Axl Rose and fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger, Tommy vowed to never have anything to do withAxl Rose or anyone associated with him. So Hilfiger's refusal to acknowledge your existence may have deeper meaning than you think. Animals behave strangely around you. It's like they know. Especially tigers and squirrels.
You have never been to The Netherlands. Axl Rose has a legendary hatred for the Dutch, because seriously, fuck those people. You sometimes get poor cell phone reception. Most likely caused by transmissions from Axl Rose's privately-owned secret satellite that he uses to monitor you because he is your real dad and he loves you and wants to keep tabs on you at all times. Even in the cold november rain. And yes, "November Rain" is probably about you, too. You experience unexplained blackouts or time loss. Those lapses in your memory are probably times that Axl Rose took you to a ball game and then hugged you and let you call him "Pa," but your subconscious erased the memory because it was just too fucking awesome for your conscious mind to handle. Court-ordered paternity tests proved that neither Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Snake Plissken, or Matthew McConaughey are your real dad.
It's called “Process of Elimination.” One time, you had this really weird dream.
It was about how Axl Rose came to your high school and told everybody he was your real dad and then your fake dad showed up and Axl Rose hit him in the face with a folding chair and then stood over your fake dad's prone form shrieking "Welcome to the jungle, baby! You gonna die!"and then he totally had sex with your mom while everyone cheered. Possibly a secret message transmitted to your brain from Axl Rose's aforementioned satellite. You spent $38,000 on a life-sized replica doll with over a hundred points of articulation custom made to look, feel and smell exactly like Axl Rose. And when you position its arms to gently hold you, no place in the world feels safer. You own the only known hard copy of Chinese Democracy.
And there's a note on the cover, written in permanent marker, reading: Hey bud, enough fucking around. I'm your dad, okay? Love, Daddy Axl.
SHARPENING AXES
Jeremy Bulloch (born February 16, 1945 in Market Harborough, Leicestershire) is a British actor. He has appeared in numerous British TV and film productions, including "Doctor Who" and "Robin of Sherwood". In a career spanning almost half a century, he is perhaps most famous for his minor role as Boba Fett in the Star Wars films The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He also has a minor role in two James Bond films as Smithers, an assistant to Q. In 1962, he starred alongside Cliff Richard in the hit musical Summer Holiday. Bulloch has also appeared in two "Doctor Who" stories, "The Space Museum" and "The Time Warrior". In recent years, due to the release of the new Star Wars films, he is frequently invited to Science Fiction conventions throughout the world. In 2004, he published a limited edition memoir, "Flying Solo", which is a humorous account of his personal and professional life, interspersed with tales from the convention circuit. In 2005, he once again made an appearance in a Star Wars film, this time playing Captain Colton in Revenge of the Sith. Recently he played a small cameo role in Star Wars fanfilms Order of the Sith: Vengeance and its sequel Downfall - Order of the Sith - alongside David Prowse and Michael Sheard. These fanfilms were made in England in support of Save the Children. Check out his website at Jeremybulloch.com.
NUTTED BY REALITY
To the producer's credit, we finally have a format for "On The Lot", and it appears we're sticking with it. We also seem to have hit upon a trend with easy on the eyes but hard on the ears host Adriana Costa. I could be wrong, but it appears her outfit gets a little skimpier every week. If I'm right, somewhere around week 10 Fox's ratings are going to kill in this time slot since it's likely Adriana will have her outfit whittled down to a couple of squares of toilet paper held together by some fishing line. Until that glorious moment, we're stuck in the present, and that's where we learned Trever and Hilary were the two contestants that America liked the least last week. I have to agree with the country's opinion as the two of them definitely had the weakest films. In the event you didn't catch the show, instead of telling you right off who was sent home, I'm going to create some faux suspense and wait until the end to divulge this information. I'm only doing it because it works so well on the show. Also, tonight's guest judge is The Devil Wears Prada director David Frankel. He won an Academy Award back in 1997, and he has a pretty impressive IMDB filmography page. This was a huge step up from Michael Bay, who has most notably been nominated for a couple of Razzies. Trever ended up going home. I think he should have stayed on the merits of his golf film, but I didn't even vote last week so I can't complain much. I couldn't really tell if I was just in a bad mood Tuesday night or if the film offerings this week just weren't all that impressive. What do you think? Next week another director goes home and Adriana Costa pushes the limits of decency in prime time television. See you then.
HEROES
"Alias'" Sark to join "Heroes?" Obviously I mean the actor, David Anders. But wouldn't it be beyond cool to see the character of Sark show up on "Heroes"? Maybe he got some sort of power from being so close to all that Rambaldi business. Maybe he can have the power to impersonate anyone's voice exactly (Anders is actually from Oregon but does a British accent perfectly). Kristin over on E! is reporting that Anders is under negotiations to join the NBC hit this fall. He would play a new character named Kane, though there are no other details about the character. Of course, it's not a done deal, but it would be fantastic if this actually happened.
GEEK TALK
In an article which talks about The Avengers and Justice League projects, the "Hollywood Reporter" tells us that Kieran Mulroney and Michele Mulroney have submitted such a great draft of their Justice League script that Warner Bros. is now searching for a director. Meanwhile, Zak Penn (who is slated to pen Avengers) has not started his script yet, and based on a conversation last month, he won't be doing so anytime soon. However, if Warner Bros. begins to heat up their Justice League project, perhaps Marvel Studios will begin putting some pressure on Penn to write a draft. So far, there's no word on which characters are being included in either script, although some sources have alluded to the fact that both Superman and Batman will be in Justice League, even though Warners is already knee-deep in reviving both franchises separately on the big screen. Avengers, on the otherhand, include a bunch of characters who, as of today, have not appeared in their own big-screen revival(with the exception of Hulk, who is owned by Universal and probably wouldn't appear anyway). Iron Man is slated to be released next year, and we keep hearing about Thor and -- from time to time -- Captain America, but both Ant-Man and Wasp don't seem to be going anywhere. Will Marvel wait for all of them to have their own films before forging ahead on an Avengers film? Will they wait to see how Iron Man does first? Will they somehow find a way to get Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton (who's tapped to play the Hulk next summer) into an Avengers flick? And what about Justice League? What about Christian Bale and Brandon Routh? While it's still a bit early to begin speculating (HR says the answers could be "years in the making"), the wrong move (or script) could seriously jeopardize some pretty massive franchises. In my opinion, both are pretty huge risks -- and if I were Marvel and Warners, I'd make two really cool CGI flicks instead. Leave the live action stuff alone. But that's just me.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Sopranos
In his only interview after the series finale, creator David Chase said he's doubtful he'll bring Tony & Co. to the big screen, but he wouldn't rule it out if he got a really good idea … in a few years. He added that it would, however, be cool if it ended with the film hitting the projector bulb and bursting into flames.
Ice Age 3
Denis Leary told MTV that he's very excited to be starting voice work on the next sequel soon and would love to make four or five more, because they're a real kids' "money machine." But before he begins, Leary plans to spend the summer hanging around ice cream trucks to shake down little brats for their quarters.
Star Warriors
George Lucas is producing another Star Wars movie, except this one is a documentary about guys who like to dress up like Stormtroopers and perform acts for charity. When these guys say "Give Blood," they mean business.
Vantage Point
In the trailer, the assassination of the President is caught on video by several different sources. There's almost as many cameras covering it as there were covering Paris Hilton being sent back to jail. Almost..
Me and My Monster
We Are Marshall director McG's next film will be about a kid who is befriended by an evil creature that stays with him well into adulthood. Then he gets married and his wife complains that it won't pick up after itself, it hogs the TV and it could at least go to the supermarket and pick up dinner once in a while.
Up
Pixar has revealed, with accompanying image, their 2009 animated film, which will be about a 70-year-old man who fights wild animals and evildoers. Hey, if real-life geezers like Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford can still do it …
Battlestar Galactica
The reason you may not see a film version of the current Sci Fi Channel hit is because original series creator Glen A. Larson still has the rights — and wants to make a movie with all the old actors (sans Lorne Greene, R.I.P). Also, instead of searching for Earth, they're after any planet with a decent Medicare program.
Humpty Dumpty
Controversial director Tony Kaye will be releasing a documentary about his tumultuous time making American History X, which caused him to hold a grudge against star Edward Norton for 10 years. Kaye thinks that's a grudge. I'm still holding one against that little creep who threw rocks at me on the nursery school playground. If I ever find out where he is now, I'm totally kicking his ass.
And now for the review of Surf's Up, starring he voices of Shia LaBeouf, Jeff Bridges, Zooey Deschanel, Jon Heder, James Woods. Finally, at long last, Hollywood has come up with something new and fresh — a penguin movie. Who were we as a people before this? We were in a dark, penguin-less tunnel, suffering, yearning for the adorable comic antics of cold-weather birds and being systematically denied their cuteness. I can breathe again now, my life renewed with joy. Oh, you want to know what this is about? Surfing. A surfing penguin has to find the hero within and compete to become the champion penguin surfer. I'm sure someone in an official capacity will say that this movie was well in production way before March of the Penguins and Happy Feet. But you know what? I don't care. It's too late. Even if it were good, it would be too late. And it's not good. Its way too silly and juvenile for adults; too adult in its approach for kids. It's structured like a mock documentary, complete with explanatory subtitles that identify characters and places. Know any preschool kids who watch documentaries and who are ready for an animated movie full of characters that speak in that offhand, casual, stammering, sentences-full-of-qualifying-clauses way that real doc subjects do? Little kids who can read well above their age level and get the subtlety of deadpan comedy? You do? OK, then I'm wrong. They're going to love it. It just up and dumps the documentary idea whenever it feels like it. Do we need a wacky action sequence where penguins slide around in a cave, finding romance? Then let's have one and completely lose the these-characters-are-talking-directly-to-the-camera point of view while we do it. From 1 to 10, it gets a 4. Logan didn't even like it. Should've seen Knocked Up for real instead.
Well, that's another entry for you. The next entry will be posted next Sunday. After that, I am not sure. This Wednesday we are closing on our new house, so wish us luck on that. Have a good week, and until next time... spread the word, not the turd.
No comments:
Post a Comment