Spin My Dreidle

And by dreidle I mean cock and by spin I mean suck. I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. Must be the egg nog. Anyway, welcome to the Peverett Phile. Or as I like to call it, Apolcalypto. Has anybody started Christmas shopping yet? The hottest toy, the biggest toy seller so far for the holidays is this new Elmo doll. Have you read about this? Have you seen it? Apparently, it will bend over – the doll bends over, it will fall on the floor and roll around, it has what they call ‘interactive tickle spots’ – I’m sorry, that’s Paris Hilton. Listen to this: a new poll, one in five Americans believe that they can’t trust President Bush. One in five Americans can’t trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie than trusting President Bush. You know, they had the Iraqi commission report and President Bush says he will now not make a decision about getting out of Iraq till 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought – yeah, unlike getting us into Iraq. Are you always looking for ways to lose weight? Well, according to a new report, you can lose 200 calories a day by having sex. Two hundred calories a day by having sex – I burn up 200 calories just trying to get the safety cap off the Viagra. But I was thinking about it, 200 calories a day – so, well, hell, instead of going on the Jenny Craig diet, you know, you can just go on Jenny Craig.  Dennis Kucinich, who ran for President in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Coincidentally, '04 is the number of votes Kucinich received. Over the weekend, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy but today when he tried to fly home, airline security wouldn't let the Heisman Trophy onboard the plane. Apparently, the Heisman has been considered a deadly weapon ever since O.J. Simpson won one. Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan issued a statement saying she hasn't had a drink in a week. When asked how she did it, Lindsay said, "I passed out six and a half days ago." Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI after she was caught driving the wrong way on the freeway. Police knew Richie was going the wrong way because she was headed towards a restaurant. This week in China, the pollution is so bad that residents are being asked to stay indoors. As a result, most Chinese people are staying home and ordering American. Earlier today, the Taco Bell restaurants that had closed during the E. coli outbreak re-opened and assured customers everything is fine. Taco Bell's spokesman said, "Our customers can go back to experiencing the quality diarrhea they're used to." A new U.N report says that methane gas from cows is a bigger contributor to global warming than emissions from automobiles. So this explains Al Gore’s weight gain. Singled handedly he has been taking care of the problem one hamburger at a time. Smog is bad in Tehran, Iran. Apparently they have a huge problem there. It’s so bad that scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb right in front of them while they’re working. Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto is a big hit at the box office. It’s about a group of people that vanish in Mexico. The original title was From Here to Wal-Mart. Kevin Federline might be competing in an upcoming pro-wrestling event. I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling. Actor Wesley Snipes has been arrested. Still no word yet on Osama bin Laden.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Models, friends, and former drug addicts Tyler and James have won The Amazing Race 10, marking the fifth time in 10 seasons that two white guys in their ’20s or early ’30s have won the race (counting the Linzes, the four-person team of three guys and one female who won the family season, that makes six). Although Lyn and Karlyn made race history as the first all-female team to make it to the final three, but alas, they were all but forgotten after missing an earlier flight from Paris to New York City. The race’s final hour seemed shorter than most legs, and it was definitely shorter than previous finales that were extended to two hours. And with only three teams to make us laugh, there wasn’t a whole lot going on. But a cameo from God and an inadvertent advertisement for E-Z Pass kept us entertained. A look at the funny things they said during the last leg: In his opening narration, host Phil Keoghan said, “Dating couple Rob and Kimberly constantly bickered and repeatedly broke down. But their commitment to playing the game and to each other brought them to the final three.” At that point, I prepared to open a vein if they crossed the finish line first. The teams’ most difficult clue this leg forced them to find a nameless, under-construction church, which every person on the street knew instantly. There, they found a super-secret clue: A photo of the Eiffel Tower. Later, they had to find a sculpture in New York using only a photograph. Remember when the show used to have actual clues in the first season? Now they have clues for kindergartners. At the airport, Rob said, “Maybe we can get a plane here.” Uh, yes, that’s what airports are for, asshole. James and Tyler had a ridiculous fight. Having tried to get his friend to search for Internet access the night before, James said, “I knew last night that we shouldn’t just sit on our asses.” Tyler replied, “What were we going to do last night?” James said, “We could have done something.” Tyler sarcastically agreed (“Right.”), but then immediately became irrational, saying, “Why didn’t you speak up?” “I did,” James said. Tyler replied, “Really loud, you spoke up so loud.” James said, “Don’t get fucking pissed off at me.” Then they made out a little. Lyn and Karlyn were a good hour and a half behind Rob and Kimberly, but they flew into an airport closer to the city, and arrived at the Eiffel Tower first. I waited so long just to see the look on Rob’s face, that look he makes that suggests revelation, horror, and constipation all in one glance. Alas, the camera didn’t linger on his crusty face. The funniest pratfall in race history occurred in the background, while Lyn and Karlyn were reading their clue. Kimberly ran in and grabbed for the clue box, but instead slid, falling onto her ass and pulling the clue box down with her. The best part: Lyn and Karlyn glanced backwards for about an eighth of a second and then kept reading their clue. In Paris, all three teams decided on the Detour that involved sewing a jacket. Yes, The Amazing Race went all Project Runway on us, as they had to assemble a jacket, cutting fabric and pinning it together. Ironically,the Detour had more garment construction footage than an average episode of the Bravo series. Tyler and James finished first, which they attributed to their careers as models, although since they were working with needles, their careers as former drug addicts probably didn’t hurt. As Rob whined non-stop about how upset he was that Kim would be skydiving for the Roadblock, she finally said to him, “I thought we were doing this to win a million dollars, not to skydive. At the airport, Rob said to a ticket agent, “We have to get this—it’s worth $1 million. Anything you can do, sir.” How about punch you in the face for being so annoying? Alas, Kimberly did the same thing a few minutes later, and it actually worked, helping to get them on an earlier flight to New York. “It’s in God’s hands right now,” Tyler said, invoking a higher power for the first of many times while waiting at the airport. Luckily, God hasn’t been busy with too many other reality shows, so as they stood their praying, He helped them out, and they got on the same flight as Rob and Kimberly. “I’ve starved so much on this race, I’m not even the fat lady, so ain’t singing,” Lyn said. But it didn’t matter: not getting on the same flight meant they were left behind in Paris, and we never saw them again, at least not until they came in third place. “I’m giving them dodge. Don’t worry,” a New York cab driver told Tyler and James, and he tried to lose Rob and Kimberly’s cab driver, exiting and then swerving back at the last second. But it was the E-Z Pass that did the trick. “I don’t have E-Z Pass,” Rob and Kimberly’s cab driver said. The race was essentially over at that point, and New York’s toll authority just found itself a new advertisement for E-Z Pass. “It’s all up to God now,” Tyler said. “And our taxi driver,” James added. Running to the finish line, Rob said, “Damn, the boys won,” sort of in the same way he’d say, “Damn, we’re having chicken, not beef.” After they won, Phil said to Tyler and James, “You’ve talked about the tough times you’ve had in the past, here’s your chance to celebrate one of the better times…” And then he brought out $1 million worth of crystal meth, vodka, and crack. Actually, he finished the sentence by saying, “…with your family right now.” Tyler and James searched the crowd, excited to see their families, but CBS didn’t spring for plane tickets for the teams’ family members; instead, Phil whored a product, saying, “I have a phone in my pocket, a Sprint phone.” So that’s what’s been in his pants this entire season.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1503: Nostradamus born. If you write vague enough prophecies, they will fool almost anyone. 1944: Lupe Velez, Hollywood's "Mexican Spitfire" of the 1940's, commits suicide with an overdose of sleeping pills. Contrary to her plans of being found laid out on the bed in a silk nightgown, she is instead discovered in the bathroom with her head in the toilet. Her ex-husband, Tarzan star Johnny Weismuller, frequently used to beat her. 1991: A ferry near Safaga, Egypt on the Red Sea strikes a coral reef, drowning more than 460 passengers.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

JOKER Alan Parkin put the willies up his neighbours - with this naughty 10ft Christmas tree. Not content with adding just a couple of baubles, Alan, 47, decorated the fir with red and white fairy lights outside his home in aptly named Penistone. But his jolly green giant didn't exactly excite fellow residents and they complained to police. Proof, perhaps, that size isn't everything. One said: "It's rather rude. There are children and teenagers about and I don't think it's good for them to see." Another fumed: "It's just obscene. We shouldn't have to put up with it." Although officers who visited his South Yorkshire home merely asked him to remove the lights, the jobless prankster has agreed to go all the way - and give the tree the snip. Married Alan said: "It was just a laugh. If it offended anybody, then the shape will be altered. "I was amazed when police called around. They said they had received a complaint and would I mind removing the lights so it didn't look offensive." But not all neighbours were outraged. Constance Barnard, a widow in her 60s, said: "It doesn't bother me. "I didn't know we had anyone around here so pious as to complain to police. I'm a churchgoer but I don't think about it. I'm a live-and-let-live lady. "Mind you, even she wasn't that impressed with Alan's idea of a Christmas lunchbox. Constance said: "It looks more like a mushroom."

SHARPENING AXES

It's time for some totally useless Christmas trivia, kiddies. The story of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was inspired by the tale of "The Ugly Duckling." In Russia, Santa is known as Ded Moroz (Grandfather Frost). The first President to decorate an official White House Christmas tree was Franklin Pierce. Mexicans call the poinsettia "Flower of the Holy Night." "Twas a Night Before Christmas," written by Clement Moore in 1823, was originally known as "A Visit From St. Nicholas." Jesus wasn't born on December 25, and estimates of the year of Christ's birth range from about 14 years B.C. to as late as 23 A.D. More than three billion Christmas cards are sent each year in the United States. Super Bowl Sunday ranks as the third-largest occasion, behind Christmas and Thanksgiving, for Americans to consume food, according to the NFL. One in three American men say they wait until Christmas Eve to finish their holiday shopping. In America, children put stockings out at Christmas time. The Dutch use shoes. "Rudolph" was created by copywriter Robert L. May as part of a holiday promotion for Montgomery Ward in 1939. Rudolph's story was inspired, at least in part, by the story "The Ugly Duckling." Other names considered for Rudolph were Rollo and Reginald.

R.I.P.

Emmy-winning actor Peter Boyle , who played the tap-dancing monster in the movie Young Frankenstein and grouchy father Frank Barone in the hit TV comedy "Everybody Loves Raymond," has died at age 71. The former Christian Brothers monk and friend of Beatle John Lennon died Tuesday after a long battle with multiple myeloma and heart disease, his publicists said Wednesday. Boyle, who often played cantankerous characters, shot to fame as a foul-mouthed, working-class bigot in the 1970 film Joe. He also played one of Robert DeNiro's fellow taxi drivers in Martin Scorsese 's Taxi Driver in 1976 and the cruel, racist father to Billy Bob Thornton  in 2001's Monster's Ball. In the 1974 Mel Brooks spoof Young Frankenstein, he took a comic turn as the Frankenstein monster, singing and dancing to "Puttin' on the Ritz" with Gene Wilder in tuxedos and top hats. In recent years he played numerous roles on television, including the father to Ray Romano 's character on the situation comedy "Everybody Loves Raymond," which ended its celebrated nine-year run on CBS in May 2005. He appeared in 201 episodes and received numerous Emmy nominations. 
Boyle won an Emmy for outstanding guest actor appearance on "The X-Files" in 1996.
John Lennon was the best man at Boyle's 1977 wedding to journalist Loraine Alterman, then a Rolling Stone magazine reporter. He is survived by his wife and two daughters, Amy and Lucy Boyle. Despite playing some unsavory characters, he refused roles that glamorized violence, including the lead role of Popeye Doyle that went to Gene Hackman  in 1971's The French Connection, according to the IMDb entertainment Web site. Boyle suffered a stroke in 1990 and recovered, then had a heart attack on the set of "Everybody Loves Raymond" in March 1999. He returned to the show soon after heart surgery.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Hey, it's Dengar! I'm embarrassed enough just knowing who Dengar is, I can't imagine being able to dress as him.

HEROES

Here's an interesting little tidbit from the world of "Heroes": it looks like NBC has changed their mind about Zach. It certainly looked to fans like Zach (Thomas Dekker) was gay, for four reasons: one, when Claire's nasty cheerleader friend made a remark about Zach, he said something to Claire along the lines of "I'm comfortable with who I am." Two, NBC's recap of that episode says he is. Three, the character's MySpace page lists his orientation as "not sure." And four, creator Tim Kring talked about the character being gay (and what happened with an NBC exec) in this interview. So people are wondering: did NBC change the orientation of the character? Did Dekker? Did the writers change it? Here I was going to say "oh, it doesn't really matter if he's straight or gay," and if this was real life it wouldn't, but if someone actually changed his orientation for some reason (or reasons) on a TV show, that's worth talking about.

SCIENCE FACTS YOU DID NOT KNOW

Raining animals is a relatively common meteorological phenomenon, with occurrences reported from many countries throughout history. The animals most likely to drop from the sky in a rainfall are fish and frogs, with birds coming third. Sometimes the animals survive the fall, especially fish, suggesting a small time gap between the extraction and the actual drop. Several witnesses of raining frogs describe the animals as startled, though healthy, and exhibiting relatively normal behavior shortly after the event. In some incidents, however, the animals are frozen to death or even completely enclosed in blocks of ice. These occurrences may be evidence for the transport of the victims to high altitudes, where the temperature is below zero, and they show how powerful meteorological forces can be. Most recent occurrences include the rain of frogs and toads in Serbia (2005) and London (1998), and rains of fish in India (2006) and Wales (2004). In Honduras, the Lluvia de Peces (Rain of Fishes) is a unique phenomenon that has been occurring for more than a century on a yearly basis in the country of Honduras. It occurs in the Departamento de Yoro, between the months of May and July. Witnesses of this phenomenon state that it begins with is a dark cloud in the sky followed by lightning, thunder, strong winds and heavy rain for 2 to 3 hours. Once the rain has stopped, hundreds of living fish are found on the ground. People take the fish home to cook and eat them. Although some experts have tried to explain the Rain of Fishes as a natural meteorological phenomenon, the fish are not sea water fish, but fresh water fish; they are not dead, but alive; they are not blind, they have eyes; they are not big fish, but small; and the type of fish is not found elsewhere in the area. There is no valid scientific explanation for this phenomenon. Many people believe this phenomenon occurs because of Father José Manuel Subirana, a Spanish catholic missionary and considered by many to be a Saint. He visited Honduras from 1856-1864, and upon encountering so many poor people, prayed for 3 days and 3 nights asking God for a miracle to help the poor people by providing food. The Rain of Fishes has occurred ever since.

MOVIE BUZZ

 
Blades of Glory: Here's the first pic of Napoleon Dynamite and Will Ferrell in their figure-skating outfits. Nope, not homoerotic at all…

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: In the trailer, Michelangelo learns that, generally speaking, mom jokes are far less effective when inadvertently disrespecting one's own mother. For more advanced mom-joking, see White Men Can't Jump.

Music and Lyrics: At which point in the trailer does your brain explode: (a) when Hugh Grant appears in an '80s new-wave video, (b) when a guy refers to a pop singer who's "bigger than Britney and Christina put together," (c) when Drew Barrymore freestyles a lyric, (d) when she goes on to explain that "a melody is like sex" or (e) all of the above?

The Golden Compass: The official site for next year's big holiday blockbuster is online. Apparently, the target demo is illiterate children, because the creepy site reads all the text to you. Kind of ironic considering it's based on a book.

Well, there you have it, another fine entry of the Phile. I updated the Phile's  webshots and check out the Phile's new Myspace site. Yeah, the Phile is taking over. I will leave you with a random pic. Spread the word, and not the turd.