The Other Side Of Summer

The sun struggles up another beautiful day. And I felt glad in my own suspicious way.
Despite the contradiction and confusion, felt tragic without reason. There's malice and there's magic in every season. From the foaming breakers of the poisonous surf, to the burning forests in the hills of Astroturf. The automatic gates close up between the shanties and the palace. The blowtorch amusements, the voodoo chalice. The pale pathetic promises that everybody swallows. A teenage girl is crying 'cos she don't look like a million dollars. So help her if you can 'cos she don't seem to have the attention span. Was it a millionaire who said "imagine no possessions"? A poor little schoolboy who said "we don't need no lessons"? The rabid rebel dogs ransack the shampoo shop.
The pop princess is downtown shooting up. And if that goddess is fit for burning the sun will struggle up the world will still keep turning. Madman standing by the side of the road saying "Look at my eyes, look at my eyes, look at my eyes, look at my eyes"
Now you can't afford to fake all the drugs your parents used to take because of their mistakes you'd better be wide awake. The mightiest rose, the absence of perfume, the casual killers, the military curfew, the cardboard city, and the unwanted birthday. The dancing was desperate, the music was worse. They bury your dreams and dig up the worthless. Goodnight. God bless. And kiss "goodbye" to the earth. The other side of summer.

Hello, it's Thursday, summer's almost over, and it's time for another entry of the Phile. Baseball had a big weekend. The Yankees won four games over the Red Sox. They won up in Boston, four in a row. Boston is blaming their pitching. Mel Gibson blamed it on the Jews. Did you hear about these guys that were lost at sea for nine months? They were found and rescued. The first thing they said when they got to shore was, "Mel Gibson said what?!” A former sex slave of Osama bin Laden now has a book coming out. In the book, she says that Osama bin Laden is in love with Whitney Houston. It would be interesting. On the one hand, you have an out-of-control maniac, and then on the other hand, there's Osama bin Laden. NASA lost the original film of the moon landing. Did you hear about this? Well, you know, in their defense, they're not exactly rocket scientists."

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

This past week on Big Brother: I’m desperately trying to figure out if last Thursday’s episode of Big Brother 7 was appallingly dull or incredibly shocking. Marcellas was evicted by a unanimous vote, exactly as Janelle predicted would happen when Will and Boogie proposed this and promised her it wouldn’t happen. Right before being evicted after a live vote, Marcellas told the other houseguests, “No big speeches.” Then he proceeded to give a big speech, in which he invented a new verb, “to scumbag”:  “We each get to choose how we play this game. If you want the game to be about lies and scumbagging each other, and you can live with that when it’s over, that’s great. I’ve tried to be honest, I’ve tried to be friends with everybody, and I hope that you guys know that’s what I wanted. So if you can lie to me to my face, send me out under these circumstances, that’s all I can do. I want to stay. All I can say is please.” Alas, no one listened, and he walked out the door, stopping only to hug Erika and kiss Danielle, who started bawling. When Marcellas sat down with Julie Chen, she displayed some actual personality by alluding to her previous display of personality, when she hit Marcellas on the head with her cards after he didn’t use the veto to save himself during season three. This time, Julie referred to Marcellas’ wig and asked, “Did you wear this for protection so I wouldn’t hit you?” Moments later, Julie presided over the HOH competition. The producers opted this time to have technology that could not fail: the houseguests’ hands. Yes, each of them wore one white glove and one red glove, and were asked to raise their hands to answer questions, as if this show wasn’t already enough of a joke. Incredibly, Chicken George tied with Danielle, and then won the tiebreaker, becoming the new HOH. Like viewers everywhere, he was literally in shock, not even moving to hug those people who were stretching their arms out to hug him. I’d say he was affected by all that high-protein oatmeal he’s been eating, except that expression of utter disbelief and confusion is the one he usually has on his face. As luck would have it, this is a double elimination week, as Julie Chen told us, and seconds after learning that, George had to nominate two people for eviction. This practically caused George to stroke out right then, particularly when Julie Chen said, “and I need it quickly, George.” He nominated James and Erika, nominations that sound suspiciously like the people Janelle would have nominated. In any case, one of them will be evicted Sunday night. Or maybe not. That’s because Mike Boogie won the coup d’etat, and has two more chances to use the power, having turned down the first opportunity tonight. Thus, he’ll either use it Sunday or Thursday. Boogie correctly guessed that the first two clues, a ewe and some sewing equipment, meant “You reap what you sew.” Mike Boogie knew he’d won when a grim reaper appeared in the house and looked at the houseguests, although not with the glowing CG red eyes added for our benefit. Oh, crazy costumes and computer graphics—so much fun! What will Sunday’s episode bring? A grown man dressed like a chicken trying to make decisions? Well, well, well. Who would have ever thought Chicken George capable of making Big Brother 7 interesting again, if only for a few minutes? George, bonded forever to Howie as his Jedi protege—you know, I just realized that when I write sentences like that, I die a little inside. Anyway, George stabbed his buddy in the back, nominating him for eviction, leading to his eviction and to a whole lot of drama. For a few minutes, it seemed like George was playing very strategically. And I suppose he still is; he’s just playing the cover-your-ass game of Big Brother. Thus, when Mike “Boogie” Malin threatened him right before the veto ceremony, George backed down. Mike said, and I quote, “I’m not confirming or denying who would have the power, but there’s a general acceptance of who does. … Is that maybe something you want to go up against?” George was definitely swayed by the speech, and when Danielle and Erika shrieked at him “do it!” he caved, nominating Howie. Of course, had Mike given a speech about Cheez Balls, George probably would have nominated a Cheez Ball for eviction. Thus inspired Howie’s first outburst of the evening, because it wouldn’t be a day in the house if Howie didn’t get emotional. As he took his seat in the nomination chair, Howie angrily said, “Promised me twice, Georgie. And you want to listen to the people that tried to sell your ass out last week?” Howie only settled down once everyone assured him that he wasn’t leaving. Among those that gave him their word was Mike “Boogie” Malin, who assured Howie that it’d always be “bros before hos.” Do these men date anyone but their own hands? Mike “Boogie” Malin voted against Howie, of course, because he’s a little weasel liar who Will uses as a shield. And thus, as Howie walked out the door, we almost had our first fight of the season. Mike said to him, “Sorry, Howie,” and Howie grabbed Mike’s hat and threw it. “Who’s the sell-out, buddy?” Howie yelled. “Tight! Class move!” Mike said, clapping. “Another class-act leaves the big Brother house.” Then Howie got in Mike’s face, saying, “Right to my face, lie to me. You little punk.” James stepped between them, but the yelling continued. “Howie, get to steppin’, get to steppin’ Howie. There’s 20 people standing outside the door,” Mike said, clearly showing his ignorance about the show’s security force, which probably consists of an intern wearing a police officer’s hat that makes him look slightly less like a porn star than Mike Boogie does wearing that stupid hat he wears. Howie finally left, saying, “Kiss my ass,” and Mike replied, “Class act. Go get a life, Howie, get a life, dog.” Having apparently been energized by the confrontation, Mike proceeded to win HOH. (Incidentally, all of this drama was pre-taped, and in fact, Mike’s nominations are already in, and the next veto competition has already been played.) The actual HOH competition was so disturbing that I’m glad it lasted just a few sped-up minutes. The producers, the soulless bastards, unleashed some little people dressed in shitty gnome costumes into the back yard. To answer questions, the houseguests had to put their faces into gnome-shaped cutouts marked T or F. If they got the question wrong, one of the gnome little people would smash them in the face with some kind of brown cream pie. Then Julie Chen, newswoman, would say with a straight face, “Those of you with pie in your face, please step down; you’ve been eliminated.” Apparently, as all this happened, something went down between James and a little person, because after Mike won HOH and the little people were dancing, James said, “Sorry about that. We cool?” and shook one of their hands. Toward the beginning of Tuesday night’s Big Brother 7 episode, Mike Boogie explained what happened with the coup d’etat power. By that, I mean, he recited something that sounded as if he’d been told what to say. “The first two [evictions] I elected not to use it, and now I’m head of household, so the coup d’etat power is now no longer part of the game,” he said, thereby confirming that the live show will never deal with whether or not he lost the power because he violated the rules by talking about it. Meanwhile, with Howie gone, Janelle was devastated. Or at least, that’s how she acted, crying and curling herself into a ball. But as she told us, “I want to appear weak, I want to appear emotional, and I want to appear like I don’t have any fight left in me when I actually do. Of course it’s strategy.” James didn’t buy it, but Will did, sort of. He said that Janelle is “a phenomenal competitor, she’s a warrior. And what I want to do is take her form this dark spot she’s at right now, and I want to rebuild her faster, stronger, and more loyal, and have her attack James for me.”As part of that strategy, Boogie and Will decided to nominate Janelle and James, and help Janelle win the veto, which no one would expect. “It is absolutely imperative that Janelle remains in this house,” Will said. “Why? She’s a much bigger target than Chill Town. … We have to keep her here, even if she’s not on our side, just so that the others will chase her down.” That’s a smart play, and if the guy makes it to the final two, he probably deserves to win, even against Janelle. Then again, maybe not: Janelle remained suspicious, saying that Chill Town was her number one target: “I’m going after them.” Game on. Before the veto competition, Janelle announced, “I’m ready to get nominated, win the power of veto, shove it up their asses.” She did that, although without the ass-shoving part, and with some controversy. During the competition, which took place on a quasi-Survivor set, and which Janelle compared to musical chairs and duck-duck-goose, James and Janelle fought over a small doll.  In the diary room, James whined, “She took the doll out of my hand, physically assaulted me. … This bitch took the doll out of my hand. Intentionally removing the doll from my hand is physically described as assault in the outside world.” While he was nursing his boo-boo, the editors showed us a replay of the moment, which showed that they fought over the wrong doll; Janelle then grabbed for the correct one and got away before James got close to it. Will, who threw the competition to help Janelle win, said, “James thinks the show is fixed in Janelle’s favor. Well, it is. I’m the one fixing it in Janelle’s favor, James,” he said, taking a bit too much credit. After Janelle saved herself with the veto, Mike Boogie nominated Chicken George, and James was fine with that decision. “There is not a scenario that does not play out good for me,” James said, unaware that he’ll probably be talking to Julie Chen tonight.

SEARCH ENGINE

How white are you? http://www.okcupid.com/tests/taketestid=15943487185662624130

Hometown of The Simpsons.
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SHARPENING AXES

Today: How to make magnetic water! Now, I know what you're thinking: "Jason, water isn't made of metal!" Well, you're right, but I'll tell you what is made of metal - iron. What I'm getting at is that if you could find a way to get iron into some water, we'd be in business. Enter our friend, Spinach. As it turns out, spinach's composition is as much as 27% iron or more. But it's all locked up in the stubbornly tenacious cellular structure of the spinach leaf. How will we extract it into our water? The same way our bodies do: Vitamin C, in the form of lime juice. So here's how to do it. First, get a glass and put about one half cup of water in it. Grab four limes and squeeze the juice into the glass. Next, get about three sizable leaves of spinach and submerge them in the water. Place the glass in your refrigerator (otherwise the water will turn green), and leave overnight. The next day, carefully fish out the spinach leaves, get a powerful magnet, and go to town!

BIZARRE X-RAYS

Doctors in Pakistan removed a whole lightbulb from a prisoner's anus June 28. The man said he awoke with the problem, but doctors weren't sure.

TODAY IN HISTORY

79: Pompeii buried by Vesuvius, apparently to punish the debauchery that made the town famous. Tens of thousands of people perished only to have plaster casts made centuries later of the hollows their bodies once occupied. 1572: Troops loyal to the French crown alongside Catholic civilians massacre the Protestant Huguenots of Paris, estimates range between 20,000 and 100,000 deaths. At news of this carnage of this St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre, a gleeful Pope Gregory XIII ordered celebrations and a medal to be struck. 1812: The White House and other public buildings in the District of Columbia are torched by the British. 1958: Red China commences the shelling of the islands of Quemoy and Matsu, which hold one-third of Chiang Kai Shek's troops. The United States threatens nuclear retaliation for this, but the American people do not support the stance. A very strange compromise is worked out, permitting China to shell the islands on odd dates and Chiang Kai Shek's troops to resupply the islands on even dates. 1981: Mark David Chapman sentenced to 20 years for killing Beatle John Lennon. 2005: Howard on the FCC: "I pray to God the FCC hands down a fine against this station for my broadcast in February so that we can see them enact this ridiculous policy." The broadcast: Sex toys and porn stars. The policy: The FCC wants Infinity (CBS Radio) to immediately suspend any DJs targeted by formal complaints.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

A girl of 14 was punched in the face as she worked as a carwash mascot inside a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. The teenager was dressed as a giant sponge when she was hit three times by a stranger as she waved to passers-by. It was her first day in the job she had taken to boost her pocket money. The girl, who did not want to be named, said: "I was standing there and someone came up and hit me three times. It really hurt. I think he got a shock when I said something and he realised I was a girl. I ran back to the garage crying. Why would anyone do something so cruel? I won't be doing it again. I'm too scared." Yesterday police said a 31-year old man from Lincoln has been charged with motoring offences and common assault over last Saturday's incident.

BROKEN

Since when did Chinese food become "New York Style?"

THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET

F is for faggot: Full of meaty goodness, or so my friends tell me. A faggot in the UK is something meaty you put in your mouth. OK, perhaps credulity won't be stretched. I'm sure I'm not the first: in the UK a 'fag' is common slang for a cigarette. So there I was, jet-lagged in a San Francisco bar, and exclaimed loudly to my colleague 'bugger me, the fags in here are cheap'. G is for gun: an essential prop for playing cowboys and indians. H is for housewife. Actually, maybe it should be under D for Domestic Engineer. I is for ivory. I swear I saw this in two separate alphabet books (one as a tusk, another as piano keys - as a kid, I was flummoxed by that one). Next week: J, K, L and M.

And now, a new segment called...

BIZARRE CELEBRITIES 

William Hung is a Chinese American college student and American entertainer who gained fame and notoriety in early 2004 as a result of his poorly received audition performance of Ricky Martin's hit song "She Bangs" on the third season of the television series American Idol. Hung rapidly gained a cult following around the world. A William Hung fan site set up by Realtor Don Chin and his wife Laura, recorded over four million hits within its first week. Hung subsequently appeared as a guest on a number of television programs including On Air with Ryan Seacrest, Entertainment Tonight, The Late Show With David Letterman, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, The Howard Stern Radio Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Dateline NBC, and CBS's The Early Show. He was also featured in numerous magazines and newspapers nationwide and parodied on Saturday Night Live and Celebrity Deathmatch. On March 8, Koch Entertainment announced that Hung had decided to sign a record deal. The album has sold 195,000 copies, and reached #3 on Amazon.com's sales rankings. Hung released a Christmas album, Hung for the Holidays, on October 19, 2004. Hung's third album, Miracle: Happy Summer from William Hung, was released July 12, 2005 and became an instant failure. Its poor reception perhaps indicates that Hung's fifteen minutes of fame had finally run out. 

And now, for

MOVIE BUZZ

Transformers: Your Autobots team: Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet and Ironhide. Your Decepticons squad: Megatron, Starscream, Brawl, Bonecrusher, Barricade, Scorponok, Frenzy and Blackout. And some pics to jog your memory of who's who. 

Indiana Jones IV: Stupid things that George Lucas blurted out in an interview: "We're basically going to do The Phantom Menace," "We'll have to go back and take the offending parts out of it" and "There's a good chance it will happen." Translation: The sequel would totally blow, but they'll never get around to making it.

Spider-Man 3: They're doing reshoots — d'oh! — to add "more action." Apparently in the first cut, Spidey, Sandman, Venom and Harry Osborn talked through all their differences after a particularly moving episode of Oprah.

Bug: In the trailer, something has literally gotten under Ashley Judd's skin. And, no, I'm not one of those idiots who misuse the word "literally." If you do that around me, I will literally punch you in the neck.

Well, that's it for another week's entry. Remember, spread the word and not the turd. i will leave you with a random pic. Until next week...'nuff said.