Sometimes I don't even move a muscle, baby when you lie awake at night, I think I've got nine lives in these corpuscles. Girl, you know sometimes I don't think right. I hear voices in the hall I wake up and its nothing at all, a hungry wolf, or an angry child, or something wild. Hello, how are you? Well folks, it's April 13th. Or as they call it at FEMA. April Fools Day! Did you see Cheney the other day? He threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home game. It was low and in the dirt -- kind of like his approval rating. ... Whose idea was it to use Cheney to throw out the first pitch? I mean, this guy's not known for his aim. President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called, 'Gasoline at $3 a gallon.' ... Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it. Did you see that guy on the news who got arrested for jumping the fence and running toward the White House. Luckily, it was pretty easy for the cops to catch him. The guy stood out like a sore thumb. Right now, everyone in Washington is running away from President Bush. Outspoken actor Alec Baldwin told Elle magazine that he's so desperate for a Democrat to be the next president that he would go a month without sex if it meant a Democrat would win the White House. And today Bill Clinton called him a fanatic, a lunatic, part of that kook fringe left. He must be stopped. President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran. The White House celebrated Passover - that's when President Bush will take secret, classified document and pass it over to a reporter. Why can't President Bush leak us some information we can use? Like warn us when Dick Cheney's going hunting again.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can guess. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger."
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
SHARPENING AXES
What’s fluffy and white and cottony soft? Tampons! And bunnies! That’s why this tampon Easter Bunny was such a natural. If he sticks around for your period, he’ll bring you some unfertilized eggs. Materials to make the Tampon Easter Bunny: Playtex tampon with pink plastic applicator, Two Tampax tampons, Hot glue gun, Utility knife or scissors, Wiggly eyes and Pipe cleaners. Remove Playtex tampon from applicator. Moisten slightly to expand and let dry. Save pink plastic applicator. Remove Tampax tampons from applicators. Hold tampon, pinching at each end, and pull to expand. Widen in the middle to create an “ear” shape. The string side should be on the back, while the “furrow” side should be on the front. Trim strings off bottom and top if necessary. To make the inside of the ears, take the plastic applicator from the Playtex tampon and use scissors or a utility knife to slice it into vertical strips. The tip of each strip should be one of the applicator “petals”; continue cutting till you reach the ridged base of the tube, then cut across. Round off the square bottom of each strip. Fill the length of each rabbit ear tampon with hot glue and press a plastic applicator strip into place, with the pointed end up and the curved part pointing out. Remove string from Playtex tampon and set it aside. Set the tampon “point” up. Use a generous amount of hot glue to attach ears, placing them inside the “creases” or folds of the tampon. Cut off the tip of one of the remaining pink plastic applicator “petals.” This triangular piece will be the nose. Hot glue it to the tip of the Playtex tampon. Hot glue the eyes in place. Cut the pipe cleaners into four two-inch pieces and hot glue into place on either side of the nose. If you wish to hang the bunny as an ornament, hot glue the reserved string onto the back. And there, you have your Tampon Easter Bunny. Martha Stewart, eat your heart out.
WHAT?!
Take a look at this, there's a Cyborg named after me.
DOCTOR WHO NEWS
I’m confused: I actually find myself missing The Amazing Race 8. Actually, I just miss the cast, not the impossibly lame challenges and route. That’s because The Amazing Race 9 hasn’t won me over; I’m worried that the show has lost its magic. Perhaps I’m just in a bad mood, but I’m bored. I started looking back at the show’s funniest lines last season because the cast was so ridiculous, but after another episode like last night’s, this exercise of recapping the best lines will conclude. Nothing’s really surprising or really that funny any more, and last week’s episode was just as boring. I’m tired of Lake and Michelle’s dysfunctional relationship, of BJ and Tyler’s pretend wackiness, and Eric and Jeremy’s insufferable attitudes and unrelenting success.
DISNEY'S AMERICA
A 49-year-old woman from Germany died Wednesday after riding Walt Disney World's Mission:Space ride, the second death in less than a year associated with the signature thrill ride. The woman died at Florida Hospital Celebration Health, where she was taken Tuesday after becoming sick following the mock space flight at Epot, according to a statement released late Wednesday by the theme park. I was at work that day and they closed the ride for "technical difficulties". Yeah, right.
STAR WARS WEEKENDS
Speaking of Disney, starting May 19th, Star Wars Weekends will be starting again. Just like the last three years, I will be working it every weekend (during that time the phile will be updated on Sundays, not Thursdays). anyway, up til then and during I will be updating you with SWW news. Star Wars Weekends are almost here, and starting next month fans get to meet an impressive lineup of special guests attending four weekends of Star Wars fun at the Disney-MGM Studios in Florida. From May 19 to June 11, 2006, fans of all ages will converge to celebrate the heroes, villains, creatures and droids of the saga. In addition to Star Wars costumed characters, fun activities, and the Star Tours theme park ride, celebrity guests will be in attendance for meet-and-greet sessions, star conversations, and a classic Hollywood-style motorcade. Warrick Davis will be the first ever celebrity host for all four Star Wars Weekends. Davis was only 11 years old when he played the Ewok hero Wicket in Return of the Jedi. In Episode I, he played multiple roles, including that of Anakin's young friend Wald. May 19, 20 & 21: As a rare treat for fans, Producer Rick McCallum will be attending Star Wars Weekends to chat about his work behind the scenes on the prequels. A fan favorite from the classic trilogy, Peter 'I'm An Arsehole' Mayhew is no stranger to Star Wars Weekends. The towering Peter Mayhew played the loyal Wookiee Chewbacca in the original trilogy, and revisited the role in Revenge of the Sith. May 26, 27 & 28: Anakin Skywalker from Episode I will be making a return to Star Wars Weekends as Jake Lloyd joins the fun. Also there that weekend will be Episode III's Supervising Sound Editor Matthew Wood, the voice of the evil General Grievous. June 2, 3 & 4: Fans know Jay Laga'aia as the protective security officer Captain Typho in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, while Bonnie Maree Piesse played Owen's girlfriend Beru in both Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. And damn, I think she's cute. June 9, 10 & 11: Jeremy Bulloch is known best for his role as the legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett inThe Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He also made a brief cameo as Captain Colton in Revenge of the Sith. Temuera Morrison played Jango Fett in Attack of the Clones, and consequently his image was replicated over and over as the basis for the clone army. I will report more info on SWW as I get it weekely. May the Force be with you, and I hope to see you there.
INTERNET SKIT HAPPENS
Boycott gas companies for one day: Probably by now everyone's gotten this one in e-mail. It's a plea to strike back at oil companies for price gouging by declaring a one-day boycott at the gas pump. Yeah, that'll show them. Because then they won't get all the money you're going to spend filling up ... tomorrow.
GEEK TALK
Or you can file this under, Damn, I Wish Dad Was Alive For This. Peter Segal has come aboard to direct Shazam!, a movie adaptation of DC Comics' series featuring Captain Marvel, for New Line Cinema, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Segal also will produce, along with Michael Ewing, via their Callahan Filmworks banner.
The comic series focused on young Billy Batson, who becomes the superhero known as Captain Marvel when he utters the magic word "Shazam!" The name is an acronym for six gods and heroes of the ancient world as well as their attributes: the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles and the speed of Mercury. Writers on the long-gestating project include William Goldman and Bryan Goluboff.
I HAVE A MIGRAINE
How many columns in this structure?
MOVIE BUZZ
Batman Begins 2: Robin Williams wants to be the Joker. I can actually see this working. He could be, like, this divorced guy who dresses up in a purple suit and weird makeup to fool his wife into letting him be her housekeeper so he can visit his kids.
Terminator 4: I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that Arnold's not gonna be in it. But if they try to do Kindergarten Cop 2 without him, there will be hell to pay, damn it!
X-Men 3: the Last Stand: What'll it take to get Internet fanboys to shut up about Brett Ratner? The first two trailers weren't enough. How about these action-packed TV spots? No? Fine — here's a sneak peek at Multiple Man.
Okay, that's all I have room for this entry. sorry, but I think I posted a lot, eh? I will leave you with a random picture. Have a good Easter and remember, spread the word, not the turd.
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