Have A Nice Day

What's up? How are ya? What's happening? Welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing. But he is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Vice President Dick Cheney. Man, I cannot stop with the Dick jokes. For the last 16 years the commissioner of the NFL has been Paul Tagliabue. Well, he's retiring. And listen to this, they had offered the job to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, honest to god, offered it to Condoleezza Rice, and she turned the job down. Now, when Janet Reno heard this, she said 'Yo, over here, let's go!' Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline. In the world of entertainment, Isaac Hayes has quit 'South Park' because they made fun of scienetology. I guess he gave them the shaft. Anyway, I quit watching 'South Park' ever since they made fun of Gingerheads. Last Friday was St. Patrick's Day, and I don't know about you, but I get tired of seeing everybody wearing green. It's okay in my son's class when all the kids wore green, but going to Publix and seeing just about everyone else wearing green it got kind of annoying. I didn't know who worked there and who was shopping. Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House on St. Patrick's Day. He presented the President with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology. Did you hear what happened? Meanwhile, Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun. I also received a bowl of shamrocks, but I kept asking myself 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?' I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot incommon: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq. Yeah, the other day Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him. Fortunately former President Clinton has stepped up and volunteered to meet with Jessica himself about this important charitable event and not at a fundraiser, at a totally nonpartisan Ramada Inn well outside of Washington D.C. Have any of you heard about this bird-flu? Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits. Well, that should silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the bird flu, huh?

Okay, before I continue with the jokes, cartoon pictures and other crap, I have to tell you about yesterday. I don't usually post stories about my life here on the Phile, but this story I have to. Yesterday I was at work at Epcot, and there were these four people, two couples, entering the park wearing clothes like they were straight out of Narnia or Lord of the Rings. Total geeks, dressed like elves or some shit. Anyway, I pointed them out to my security friend Al, and mentioned that i was surprised they were let in like that. Al said he knew Jon Bon Jovi was coming into town, and that he thought it was him and his family. Al is a great guy, but apparently has no touch with reality. Neither did these guests, come to think of it. Anyway, I phoned my wife Jen who is a huge, and I mean huge Bon Jovi fan. She immediately went into panic mode and wanted me to find out any info I could about Jovi's trip. Sharpening my axes, and playing detective, I found out that he was going to eat at a restaurant at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. Actually, I overheard three guest relations guests talking about it. I told Jen and in the afternoon Jen and Logan (my son) showed up at work hoping he would be there. After work, I changed in the parking lot into the clothes Jen brought for me, and they went to the Lodge and I went to McDonald's for dinner. When I got to the Lodge I walked into the lobby and Jen went running over to me, crying. I thought her niece was in a car accident. She called her niece Spring to meet us there. I knew Logan was okay as he was skipping behind her. It turned out they sawhim in the gift shop and I got there as he walked along the balcony to his room. Spring showed up and we camped out in the lobby until after eleven, but he never came back down. This morning I went to work and Jen and Logan went back to the hotel but didn't see him. They looked for him at the Magic Kingdom but had no luck. She didn't take a picture in the gift shop as she was in way too much shock, and I don't blame her, the poor thing. Well, that's my story. Now for the rest of what I could fit into this entry.

SHARPENING AXES

 

I watch a lot of Reality TV, enough of it to notice an on-going phenomenon: Someone wears a garment with a trademarked logo or artwork on it, and the producers have to pixelate it beyond recognition in post-production. Of course no Reality TV star wants their shirt, which displays their well-chosen article of self-expression, senselessly pixelated so nobody can see it. But no Reality TV producer wants to deal with the headache of removing said article of self-expression to avoid trademark violations. The pixelation process seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for something that could have been avoided with a little pre-planning.

So I’d like to introduce my new line of pre-pixelated clothing for Reality TV shows. If you’re going to be on a Reality TV show, you can buy one of these fine products and save someone a lot of headaches later. In fact, if you live in an area where a reality TV show is taping, you should think about getting one of these shirts in case you get caught in the background of a shot. And if you’re heading to audition for a Reality TV show, maybe you should wear one of these shirts to the audition so they know that you’re really serious about Reality TV. Of course I am not selling anything on the Phile, but I could.

iPOD MAKE LOVE TO YOU

I love my iPod, and my iPod loves me. I am going to start a new feature...yes, another new feature...showing of real iPod accessories that I want. Why? because I love my iPod.

P.P. T.V.

Click on the links for two different videos on Chef. Isaac Hayes has a new job (from Jimmy Kimmel)  RIP Chef 

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

GEEK TALK

FILM: Disney has announced that it will premiere its upcoming Pixar computer-animated feature Cars during a special event on May 26 at Lowe's Motor Speedway in Charlotte, N.C. Most of the film's voice cast—including Paul Newman, Owen Wilson, Bonnie Hunt, Larry the Cable Guy and NASCAR drivers Richard Petty and Darrell Waltrip—as well as director John Lasseter are scheduled to appear at the event before 30,000 guests. The event will coincide with the CocaCola 600 NASCAR race, also taking place at the speedway that weekend. The premiere will be the first to feature digital projection on multiple screens. A series of four giant custom-built outdoor movie screens (115 ft. wide and 50 ft. tall) will be constructed at Lowe's Motor Speedway. Each screen will have three digital projectors dedicated to it. A state-of-the-art sound system is also being created and installed for the event. Tickets for the premiere have been made available to the public, with proceeds benefitting Speedway Children's Charities and the Association of Hole in the Wall Gang Camps. Tickets can be purchased over the phone, at the Lowe's Motor Speedway box office or online at LowesMotorSpeedway.com. 

TV: George Lucas' longtime producing partner Rick McCallum told the BBC that a proposed Star Wars TV series will run for at least 100 episodes. Speaking to BBC Radio 1, McCallum said the show's writing team would soon be meeting to start on the project, which would begin filming in 2008 and be ready the same year. "Hopefully, if we can make it work and everybody's excited and watches it, we will keep on going," McCallum told the BBC. The series will be set between Episode III and IV of the film saga and will cover the 20 years in the life of Luke Skywalker growing up. McCallum said there would be "a whole bunch of new characters" and the series would be "much more dramatic and darker." He added that it was unlikely any of the stars of the movies would be involved in the TV series.

FILM: DreamWorks Animation has announced that the third film in the popular computer-animated Shrek franchise will be titled Shrek the Third. The sequel has been scheduled for release on May 18, 2007. The upcoming film finds the green ogre Shrek (once again voiced by Mike Myers) and his love, Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz), reluctantly reigning over the kingdom of Far, Far Away because the heir to the throne has gone missing. If they can find him and bring him back, they can return to their simple lives in the swamp. While Shrek, Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) search for the heir, Fiona must hold off a coup d'etat by Prince Charming.
Justin Timberlake, who has been romantically linked to Diaz in real life, will join the voice cast for the third installment.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

According to information from the programming department of the Sci-Fi Channel, Doctor Who did well its first night in broadcast. 1.58 million viewers tuned in to watch "Rose," says the report, with 1.61 million viewers watching "The End of the World" and .78 million viewers each watching "Rose" and "The End of the World" in their 11pm and 12am repeat slots. These numbers are somewhat lower than the standard viewing the channel received for its broadcasts of its original series "Stargate: Atlantis" and "Battlestar Galactica" in the same time slots, but higher than any broadcast of syndicated series that evening (including repeats of "Firefly" and "John Doe"). Final numbers including Nielsen rankings should be available within the next week or two.

REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT

The woman is a democrat. How about this person?

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

BROKEN
 

The arrow must of meant the other left.

What's even funnier is that unless you peeked in a window, you would see that the business had gone under, so to speak, and that the sign refers to the building, not the product.

STRANGE LEGO CREATIONS

Did I mention how much I love my iPod?

Okay, kids, it's time for...

MOVIE BUZZ

The Da Vinci Code: Finally, the full trailer. Yeah, you see the opening murder scene, but what's really cool is the Smart car product placement. With one of those, my Eurotrash transformation would be complete!

Poseidon: I don't knock the trailer for being a cheese-ball Titanic rip-off. But I do have a problem with a giant wave that breaks in the middle of the ocean. I'm no physics major, but as far as I know, the condition for wave-breaking is when a wave reaches the shore and enters water that is approximately 1.3 times as deep as the wave is high. Duh.

Mission Impossible 3: I've watched the new stateside trailer and the Japanese version 10 times, and I still can't figure out the plot. Why does Philip Seymour Hoffman wanna kill Tom Cruise? Why is Tom blowing up fancy cars? Isn't Keri Russell in this movie? Why isn't she around? Can someone explain all this? Please?

Darkon: Here's the hilarious trailer for the live-action role-playing doc that was a hit at the SXSW film fest. Warning: The nerd factor is extremely high. In fact, you might become a nerd just by watching it. Weird — I'm suddenly feeling the urge to buy some 20-sided dice.

Spider-Man 3: It took a long time, but I've finally found a reason to see the next Will Ferrell movie, Talladega Nights: the Spidey 3 teaser. Wait — the previews are before the movie. So I can just leave right after!

Untitled Wolverine Spin-Off Movie: While Hugh Jackman was promoting X3, he blurted out that this might (read: will definitely) be a prequel. I'm thinking Wolverine: The College Years. With his liver's regenerative powers, Wolfie would be the hit of every kegger on frat row.

Okay, that's not all. Here are some movie reviews of movies I have seen recently.

The Shaggy Dog: Don't they really mean The Shaggy D.A.? Instead of a plot about a teen who needs to be brave, this one is about a lawyer who needs to change his life — the shagginess being an emotional catalyst for that change, of course. This means that they're not remaking the 1959 one with Tommy Kirk (the one with the same title) but the 1976 one with Dean Jones instead. Aren't you glad you have me here to lay this all out for you? This is a (sort of) passable remake: funny enough in an obvious way, but thoroughly irrelevant. If you want to see this movie, all you have to do is go rent one of the older ones. It's weird how Disney keeps remaking all its greatest hits. Why not create new classics instead of strip-mining the old ones? You don't have to endure the sight of Tim Allen's eyes digitally inserted into the real dog's face like on the posters and print ads. That was freaking me out before I saw it, and I was relieved to see they left that to the marketing campaign. They do, in fact, play "Who Let the Dogs Out." Because you haven't heard that song enough in your life. The weird things about eh movie are A) The presence of Danny Glover and Robert Downey Jr., who both seem to be here for the paycheck, B) the totally inappropriate dog-pound/prison-sex joke that pops up out of nowhere ("That mastiff just sold me for three dog biscuits" is, I believe, how the line goes) and C) the ubiquity of Kellogg's products sprinkled throughout. Everywhere you look, there's a Pop Tart or a box of Special K.

V For Vendetta: Kids, today's lesson is that someday, when the religious fascists take over, crushing dissent and exterminating undesirable humans who won't get with the program, it's going to be totally OK to commit terrorist acts to further the cause of the great revolution of justice. You're not really a nasty suicide-bomber if you're the good guys. Bush fans (the president, not the crappy band with Gwen Stefani's husband), you might as well stay home and not get yourselves in a bunch over this super-entertaining movie. It's not for you. It's for the rest of us, who are totally freaked out that right-wingers are running the country, the ones who've been harboring revenge fantasies for the past six years. And fans of subtlety are also advised to steer clear, because it's as paranoid and pompous a piece of brazen looniness as you'll see this year. Remember that movie with Helen Slater and the Pat Benatar song? The one in which Helen is fighting The Man and shaves her head and becomes a symbol of oppressed teens everywhere? V is just like that, except it's Natalie Portman with the shaved head. Also, there's no Pat Benatar. Instead there's a Cat Power song. Hardcore fans of the graphic novel should stay away from this movie.You people are impossible to please anyway.
Every time Stephen Fry is on-screen, especially when his character, a TV presenter, hosts a bit that includes showgirls and a guy in a gorilla suit being chased around the set like it's the Benny Hill Show, all fast-motion to the song "Yakkity Sax." Nobody dislikes that song. Oh, yeah, and the part in which Natalie Portman tries to make out with Hugo Weaving's mask. Because it's gross.

Well, that's it for another edition of the Phile. I will leave you with another random picture. Until next week...have a nice day.