Pheaturing Susan Harris

Hey, kids, good afternoon, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? A Manhattan jury has found the disgraced and disgraceful former film financier Harvey Weinstein guilty of a criminal sexual act in the first degree and rape in the third degree. He now faces a minimum of five years in prison and maximum of twenty-nine. Weinstein now joins the 0.7% of rapists convicted for their crimes, and the small circle of rich white men in America who face consequences for their behavior. "That cheering you hear is the sound of female journalists finally being able to drop the 'alleged' before 'rapist Harvey Weinstein' in their columns," tweeted author Jessica Valenti. CNN reports that Weinstein was handcuffed in the courtroom and escorted out by security. Bye bitch! Couldn't have happened to a worse creep! Harvey Weinstein wasn't the only famous person in court yesterday. Jussie Smollett, the actor whose credits include "Empire" and allegedly staging a hate crime against himself, was back in court yesterday for his arraignment on six new felony charges. A new indictment charges with the "disorderly conduct" of lying to the cops. It's soooo seventeen scandals ago, but you may recall that Smollett claimed he was attacked in Chicago by two white men who called him racist and homophobic slurs, threw a noose around his neck, and then poured bleach on him. Two black men, brothers Abel and Ola Osundario, later confessed to having been paid by Smollett to stage the attack. Incredible: Smollett isn't just an actor, but a writer and director, too! And now, an indicted felon.
A North Carolina man stole and beat a dog named Tigger, stabbed it to death and used a chain saw to cut in half, authorities said. Investigators told media outlets that Jonathan Maxey Bulluck Jr., 23 of Rocky Mount was charged with felony animal cruelty and felony larceny of a dog... a brown bullmastiff that was owned by his aunt. “The suffering that the dog endured… it was like something out of a horror movie,” Sheriff Calvin Woodard said in a statement. “This was just a heinous act from the beginning to the end. This was just down right immorally wrong.” The dog’s owner told deputies that after she arrived home Friday, her nephew, who was staying the night with her, said her dog jumped on a 2-year-old, who was also staying at the home, according to the sheriff’s office. She told officials that she found no injuries on the child, Samuel said. When she woke up Saturday morning, Bulluck was no longer there, and Tigger was off its leash, officials said. She told deputies that she remembered her nephew had made a statement that he “would’ve killed the dog,” Samuel said. She called authorities after she couldn’t reach Bulluck. Deputies and family members eventually found the dog’s body in a shallow grave, down a dirt path off Robbins Road. Officials said the investigation showed that Bulluck stole the dog sometime during the night Friday, carried the dog down a long dirt path and beat the dog until it was unconscious, Samuel said. After that, Bulluck stabbed the dog to death, and used a chainsaw to cut the dog in half so that it would fit into a shallow grave, officials said. Only half the dog’s body was found, deputies said.
A Texas daycare is under investigation after a video went viral on social media, showing one of it’s employing pulling a 3-year-old girl’s hair. In the video, one can see a daycare worker at My Little Playhouse Center pulling on Amyra Wilson’s braids, to stop her from falling asleep, forcing her to eat. The employee is heard saying, “No ma’am, eat your food,” as she grabs on and pulls on the child’s hair harshly from the lunch table to sit her straight. She is then heard saying, “She’s for real making me mad,” as she briefly lets go of the child, and grabs her hair once more, yanking her backward as she tries to leave the table. The person behind the camera, who was identified as another employee, is heard laughing throughout the video. Amyra parents saw the video online, and were horrified by the incident. Her mother, Laquitta Wilson said both parents were an emotional wreck, and were angry and hurt at the same time. Wilson not only believed her daughter was physically abused by an adult who they paid for, but was scared for the safety not only of her daughter but other children. Amyra’s mother wasn’t the only one who was upset about the whole situation. The video has now gained more than 3,000 comments, where users are both shocked and outraged. The case is currently under investigation by the Lubbock Police Department, but My Little Playhouse Learning Center released a statement saying both daycare employees involved were immediately fired after owners saw the video. No one has been arrested or charged at the time. The daycare added that both the Texas Department of Child Care Licensing and local authorities were made aware of the incident and are investigating the case. This isn’t the first incident that occurs at the daycare. According to the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services, the daycare center has had over 19 violations since 2016, ranging from deficiencies in areas free from hazards to reaching their documentation training. The parents are now looking into taking legal action. This whole situation is devastating. This little girl shouldn’t of have been treated that way, despite the situation. What scares me the most is not knowing if this was the first incident. If she was hurt like that, imagine how many other toddlers have suffered by the hands of these workers. Just something to think about. A little advice…maybe don’t work at a daycare center if you don’t have patience. Unless you want some assault charges and jail time.
If you were wondering what the exact opposite of the “serve” part of “to protect and serve” would be, in regard to what the police promise to do for the public, this might be it. A homeless man who is probably going to be able to afford a nicer home than me pretty soon is suing the Honolulu Police Department, claiming two of its officers forced him to lick the urinal in a public restroom they found him sleeping in, that being what they considered the price to allow him to stay in there. Samuel Ingall says that in January of 2018 he was attempting to seek shelter in a public restroom when a police offer took what he describes as an aggressive tone with him. The officer... whose professional idol is apparently, instead of literally any competent older officer, every ’80s and ’90s movie bully... told Ingall that the only way he could avoid being arrested for his trespassing was to lick the public bathroom’s urinal. The officer’s partner stood in the doorway and acted as a lookout while the situation occurred. Feeling he had no other option, Ingall knelt down and licked the urinal. Then, after it was all over, the cops, who somehow managed to be shittier than every toilet in the bathroom they’d just left, walked out of the bathroom and laughed and bragged to other cops about what they’d just made Ingall do. After the case came to her attention, HPD Chief Susan Ballard turned over the case to the FBI. The officer who forced Ingall to lick the urinal, John Rabago, has already pleaded guilty to denying Ingall his civil rights and is currently, somehow, still on the force, though he is on restricted duty. Reginald Ramones, the officer on the lookout, pleaded guilty to a lesser charge, simply admitting that he knew Rabago was denying Ingall his civil rights. Ramones left the HPD in August. Currently, Ingall is living at a residential substance abuse program but has plans to go live in a clean and sober house soon. Then, like I said, he can presumably go live in some pretty nice digs after he gets paid for having his civil rights literally and figuratively disgustingly abused.
Question! What do you do when you’re insanely drunk and can’t seem to find one of your biggest possessions? What If I told you that your biggest possession just happens to be your hoodie? Well, you call the cops, duh! Kidding, don’t do that, or else you’ll end up like 32-year-old Harves Gardner who was charged for the most ridiculous thing in the world. I love drunk people. According to authorities, a confused and very intoxicated Gardner frantically called the cops a total of 25 times in search of his lost sweatshirt. So, frustrated with his ridiculous and idiotic actions, Gardner was quickly arrested by annoyed cops and is now facing felony charges of disrupting public services. A cop who responded to the man noted that the man didn’t really have an emergency, rather he only wanted rides around town to find his missing hoodie. Why? Who knows, but maybe it was a childhood possession or something? Or maybe he had something in his pockets that he was eager to find. I mean, that has to be the only viable explanation right? Then again, he was drunk, so who knows. But then again... I do have to admit that sometimes all you need in life is a good hoodie to make your day. So, there’s that. So, trying to save this man from getting arrested, after the first few calls, police told the intoxicated man to simply go back to bed and call it a night. But, not accepting that answer one bit, he kept calling the cops and continued to provide them different locations for them to respond to and find his lost hoodie. That’s when police decided that enough was enough and they booked him into Hamilton County Justice Center. In Ohio, disruption of public services is a fourth-degree felony and is punishable by up to 18 months in prison and a fine of $5,000. I swear, it’s like some people are just begging to get arrested. I’m surprised this didn’t take place in Florida.
Hey, kids, did you see the new porn on Pornhub? It's called "teacher punishes evil little billionaire." Check it out...

Hahaha. The NFL has changed another teams name and logo...

I kinda like it. Da Bears. Do you know what an Influencer is? I don't really but I do know they are out there in the wild. Like these ones...

Take that pic, baby. Sometimes journalists make mistakes, which leads to some entertaining editorials... like this one.

Huh? So, today's guest, Susan Harris created the show "The Golden Girls." I saw the original publicity pic for the show and I was confused.

They look kinda hip, right? So, there's going to be a new version of "The Golden Girls" coming out and I have the first group promo shot...

Hahahahaha. Of course "The Golden Girls" is not to be confused a similar show...

"The Grohlden Girls." Hahahaha. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...

Hey, future kids, this is the Fantastic Four...

Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Things Said By Americans Who Were Confused By Geography, Other Cultures, Or History
5. OMG. I just read that China is 12 hours ahead of America... why didn't they warn us about 9/11? That's such bullshit. Fuck you, China, like three billon people died!
4. Isn't Magna Carta the ship Christopher Columbus came to America on?
3. What state is Toronto in?
2. Just saying... the PLEDGE of ALLEGIANCE says "to the REPUBLIC for which is stands..." not the DEMOCRAT. Enough said.
And the number one thing said by an American who was confused by geography, other cultures or history was...
1. Do the British use forks or is there some kind of English utensil skin to chopsticks?

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. A friend of the Phile wants to stop by and tell us something he is excited about. He's the fanciest man in town, please welcome back...

Samual: Hello, Jason, my good friend, how are you?

Me: I'm good, Samual. How are you?

Samual: I am splendid. I just came back from Las Vegas.

Me: Nice. Did you have a good time?

Samual: Yes, sir, but I thought casinos were fancy...

Me: They're not? Haha.

Samual: Well, expectation: a scene from Act I of a Bond film. In reality though fifty people in sneakers and jeans who should be on suicide watch.

Me: Yeah, casinos in Vegas are not fancy at all.

Samual: Do you know what is fancy though?

Me: Ummm... nope.

Samual: Crystal animals. I used to get them for my mom every birthday. I have no idea why. She did not collect them nor show any interest in crystal/collectible figurines. I just think they were so classy.

Me: I see. Is that it?

Samual: Yes, my dear Jason. I'm off to have an early dinner now.

Me: Where at?

Samual: The fanciest Italian restaurant there is... the Olive Garden. See you later.

Me: Samual Phancy, the fanciest man in town, kids.

The 115th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Jeff will be on the Phile a week from today... next Tuesday.

Phact 1. After Pearl Harbor, Seattle’s Boeing Aircraft Manufacturing Plant was camouflaged as an entire suburb to protect it from air strikes.

Phact 2. Florida Man Carl Tanzler, an X-ray tech, fell in love with a patient and exhumed her body when she died to sleep with her corpse for 7 years. Charges were dropped because the statute of limitations expired by the time anyone found out.

Phact 3. February 4th is the National Ice Cream for Breakfast Day.

Phact 4. When Dungeons & Dragons was released, various groups believed it was a front for murderous Satanists. This lead to Tom Hanks’ first starring role in the TV propaganda movie Mazes and Monsters, in which he becomes his D&D character and stabs a hobo in Manhattan because he thought it was a goblin.

Phact 5. President Lincoln formed the Secret Service on the same day that he was assassinated.

Today's guest is an American television comedy writer and producer. She created numerous TV series such as "Soap," "Benson," "It Takes Two," and "The Golden Girls." Please welcome to the Phile... Susan Harris.

Me: Susan, thank you for being on the Phile. How are you?

Susan: Hi, Jason, I'm a big fan of your blog, so thanks for having me here.

Me: Thank you. I have to admit I was surprised when I got the email from you saying that. You have created so many popular shows and wrote so many stand out episodes. How did you first get into writing?

Susan: I was taking a class in short story writing and I wrote a short story. I met a friend in a supermarket who had just gotten divorced and neither one of us had any visible means of support and we both had young children. She read the story and she took the story to a friend who got it to a producer of a show called "And Then Came Bronson." They needed a script and they told us to go write one based on the short story. And then I met Garry Marshall who kind of took me under his wing and asked the producers of "Love American Style" if they'd let me write an episode. They were very short episodes, they were eight to ten minutes long and they gave me ten more episodes. That started the whole thing.

Me: Is this what you were dreaming of doing, becoming a TV writer? That's what I wanted to do growing up.

Susan: Oh, absolutely not. I never thought of it but one night I was watching television and I said, "I could do that. It's so bad, I could do that." It just came very naturally. I had no idea I was funny, I still don't think as myself as funny... only on paper. That's what started it.

Me: You wrote for the comedy show "All In the Family" and then years later you created "The Golden Girls." Where did the idea for this show come from?

Susan: I was not looking to do another television show. I was exhausted from "Soap," but my husband Paul Witt and his partner Tony Thomas they took a meeting at one of the studios and whoever was there at the time said, "We have a show on called 'Miami Vice.' What about doing a show called "Miami Nice' with old women?" My husband came home and said, "Listen. we were just at NBC..." I said, "No, no, no. Don't even mention it." He said, "Old women." Now I always liked writing older people because they have stories and young people are always difficult for me to write because they don't have stories. They don't have much of a past behind them. I said, "Old women? I'll do it." The network, when they said old, they meant 40-year-olds. I said, "No, no, when I'm talking about old I mean 60 or 70-year-olds." We decided not to have a discussion about age and for me to just go ahead and write the script. So we never discussed age after that, they were in some area of middle to older age. They were whatever age the person watching wanted them to be.

Me: Is their one of the four women that you related more to than the others?

Susan: I think Dorothy and maybe Sophia.

Me: Why those two?

Susan: I think it's because each one of them has a mouth and said what they thought so they were a little bit like me.

Me: Who was the easiest character to write?

Susan: Dorothy. Bea Arthur could get a laugh on a look, I really don't have to write for her.

Me: If you watched the pilot today of the show what would you think?

Susan: It'll make me laugh. It's been a long time. Those women are so funny. I should start watching "The Golden Girls" again. It'll become new again.

Me: The show premiered at number one. Why do you think the show was so popular with so many people?

Susan: That's a good question. I think it was the notion that at any age being alone someone could create their own family. They didn't have to rely on family, they could create one of their own and these women did that. They all came together and they had each other. I think that was a very hopeful message to a lot of people that they could do that. They didn't have to seem themselves at a certain age winding up lonely and alone.

Me: So, one thing I remember about "The Golden Girls" was four old women talking about sex all the time. How was it in 1985 that the show was full of older women talking about their sex lives? 

Susan: If it was a big deal and I don't know if it was I think people could breathe a sigh of relief if they never heard that before, or other things before that we were able to do with little or no opposition. And once we got the viewers they stayed with us. It was interesting to us because we had young kids watching who were fans and much older people who were big fans. It really spanned several generations.

Me: There was an episode where Sophia defended same sex marriage to Blanche, twenty years before it became legal in the United States. What do you think about that now?

Susan: There in that episode we have a very important scene in television history.

Me: What did you want to say there?

Susan: I think it's obvious. Whatever works. Even today, which is so many years later, their are still battles about that. That still hasn't been resolved.

Me: You're talking about same sex marriages and same sex relationships, right?

Susan: Yeah. Exactly.

Me: Was it risky to take on a topic like that?

Susan: We took on plenty of rocky topics going all the way back to "Soap." We never shied away from anything that was controversial in any way.

Me: Why do you think comedy is easy to bring up "controversial" subjects?

Susan: Because comedy is much more tolerable if someone hears something they wouldn't be acceptive to hearing of it was just said straight. People accept much more easily if it's presented in the form of comedy. They find themselves laughing and they start hearing what the message is at the same time. So it's more less threatening in comedy.

Me: In one episode Rose is worried that she contracted HIV during a blood transfusion. Blanche said something like AIDS is not a bad person's disease. It's not God punishing people for their sins. That was aired in 1990, and hailed as a "political" episode. Do you consider that a political episode? 

Susan: I think we were political a lot of the time. Sometimes it was pretty unpopular, but we didn't care. Our main object was to entertain. But if in entertaining we could place some ideas and thoughts, so much the better. Once we hd the audience the few people that we offended could turn their television's off, so I really wasn't concerned about that.

Me: I have a feeling you didn't care about what people thought in general, that you were going to do what you wanted as a writer. Am I right?

Susan: That would be true. That's the Sophia and Dorothy in me.

Me: "The Golden Girls" is really popular right now for some reason, with action figures, Pop Vinyls, a Trivia Pursuit game based on the show and t-shirts. And some women are saying they want to live like the Golden Girls in the future. How does that make you feel when you hear that?

Susan: That's terrific. It's always a surprise to me that it's worked all this time and continues to work and be popular.

Me: Why do you think that is?

Susan: Because it resonates with people. It resonates with their fear of loneliness being alone. That's what we wanted to do. Clearly we succeeded.

Me: What do you think of all the merchandise that's out?

Susan: It's been a surprise to us because if they would have done all this promotion it would have made sense if they had done it while "The Golden Girls" was new and on the air years ago. There seems to be a flurry of advertising and games and you know it. 

Me: Do you have any of the merch?

Susan: I've got boxes of the shot glasses and cups and all kind of things that have suddenly appeared. I could only have so many shot glasses. If you need any "The Golden Girls" shot glasses I've got boxes of them.

Me: I have boxes of Foghat shot glasses so I'll trade you. Hahaha. So many shows are getting rebooted, Susan, would you ever be open about "The Golden Girls" coming back?

Susan: No. Never. "The Golden Girls" was "The Golden Girls." It was iconic and without those women... people wanted us to do a musical, there's huge money in doing something like that but I said no, and I said no to my partners. I said just leave it alone. It was perfect the way it was and that's it.

Me: I have one thing in common with those four women and that is I love cheesecake. What was with all that cheesecake on the show?

Susan: Well, it was to me what was considered the "good talk" scene where people could just sit around and talk like human beings. There was nothing they had to do. Television at that time was not about sitting still and talking. I think that was one of the attractions of "The Golden Girls," and it was also an attraction in "Soap." To have them sit down at the end with cheesecake...

Me: Do you like cheesecake as well, Susan?

Susan: I happen to be loyal to Oreos. They were loyal to cheesecake.

Me: Ha. Susan, thanks for being on the Phile and emailing me. Take care and please come back again so we can talk about another TV show you created. Like "Benson"...

Susan: Okay, thanks. Keep up the good work.

I should've said "thank you for being a friend." Haha. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Susan for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Monday with singer Kris Wu. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Pheaturing Amanda Palmer

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Let's start off with a story about McDonald's selling Quarter Pounder scented candles, shall we? If you’ve ever been sad that the smell of the Mickey D’s Quarter Pounder you ate the night before after twelve beers didn’t linger into the morning, good news! You can have that exact McDonald’s burger smell in your house for eternity, even if your Quarter Pounder didn’t have pickles on it. McDonald’s, as part of its Quarter Pounder Fan Club, is offering a collection of scented candles for each of the ingredients on its famous, beefy burger. There are six different scented (flavored?) candles in this luxurious collection: 100% Fresh Beef, Ketchup, Pickle, Cheese, Onion, and Sesame Seed Bun. Here's what they look like...

The Quarter Pounder Fan Club site recommends to “Burn together for maximum deliciousness” but, you know, if you’re just in the mood for a little bit of beef and cheese, feel free to mix and match as you please. According to the site GoldenArchesUnlimited.com, the candles are “Coming Soon.” They have an approximate burn time of 25 hours, are a soy wax blend with fine fragrance, essential oil, and cotton wick, and will ship free domestically, though there are limited quantities. The candles are also helpfully colored the same as their scents in case you’re in such a hurry to smell raw white onion that you don’t have time to read. A couple thoughts: 1. I’m not enough of a Quarter Pounder fan to buy these, or enough of a KFC fan to buy their similarly themed fried chicken Yule Log, but I’d buy a Pizza Hut version of this. 2. If you light the ketchup candle on its own you’re a disgusting psychopath and you need to be committed to a psychiatric facility for evaluation. 3. If we get McFlurry and French fry candles that’d be much appreciated.
Oh man, I’ll admit it. This absolutely shattered my heart into little pieces. A mother from Brisbane, Australia is urging schools to teach kids disability awareness after her 9-year-old son came home crying, saying he wanted to die after being bullied by other students. Yarraka Bayles shared the emotional heartbreaking video of her son Quaden crying hysterically, in hopes to raise awareness of the effect bullying can do to a young child. Quaden was born with Achondroplasia, a common form of Dwarfism. Bayles explained that he is constantly bullied by classmates for his disabilities. In the video, the mom is heard saying she witnessed a bullying episode, and immediately called the principal. She stated, “I want people [to] know, parents, educators teachers, this is the effects that bullying has, this is what bullying does.” The mother told local news she arrived at school to find a female student “patting him on the head like a puppy” and making derogatory comments on his height. The mother said Quaden’s sister and her looked at each other and asked the boy if he was okay. Not wanting to admit it, the boy responded no, looking horrified at them, and begged them to not “make a scene.” “You could tell he was very uncomfortable but he was so good at trying to shrug things off, he doesn’t want people to know how much it’s affecting him, he’s so strong and confident but it’s times like these when you just see him crumble. It was just heartbreaking to watch, it made me feel helpless.” The mother shared the video online showing bullying is, unfortunately, a constant situation, and Quaden has attempted suicide several times. She explained the boy first tried to take his own life at the age of six when his grandfather passed away, and several times since then. The bullying, according to the mother, usually consists of trolls name-calling him, and pointing out a difference in height. She noted, “I feel like I’m failing as a parent. I feel like the education system’s failing.” While Bayles doesn’t blame the students or the school for the incident, she thinks the school needs to do more to teach students about disabilities to help them feel safe. Quaden has since been pulled out of Carina State School, and she is considering homeschooling him. As expected, the video quickly went viral on social media and has over 6 million views thus far. Comments flooded the video with positive messages of support, urging the boy to stay strong and reassuring him he was beautiful inside and out. Despite receiving a lot of backlash from the emotional moment, the mother stated she plans on keeping the video up on social media to show the impact bullying can cause, urging parents to teach their children about the consequences.
A Meredith, South Carolina mother who decided her infant child needed some well-deserved payback for the crime of being an infant child snuck up on the sleeping baby and, while filming herself (because of course), poured water on the baby’s face. Caitlyn Alyse Hardy, 33, posted the video of the infant waterboarding to her Facebook page with the caption, “Payback for waking me up all kinda times of da night,” according to the Sumter County Sheriff’s Office. The video, which is exactly as horrible as you’d assume a video of someone waterboarding a baby would be, shows Hardy pour water on the baby, which immediately wakes up coughing and crying. Not satisfied that the 9-month-old incapable of making memories has learned its lesson yet, Hardy... now laughing... pours water on the baby’s face again, causing it to cough and cry more. Unfortunately for Hardy but fortunately for the innocent baby being tortured, the video didn’t get as many likes and lolz as Hardy had anticipated. Instead, a couple people decided to call the police. Because, again, a baby was being waterboarded. The Sumter County Sheriff’s Office then issued a warrant for Hardy’s arrest for her “ill-treatment” of the baby girl, which they say caused “unnecessary pain and suffering.” To be fair to Hardy, though, who hasn’t been tempted to put two fingers down their throat and vomit on a baby after it vomits on you? Who among us hasn’t been tempted to take a runny dump on a baby’s favorite pants after that baby’s diaper leaked on us? Honestly, who hasn’t taken a big cup of juice and just spilled the shit out of it all over a baby’s Speak n’ Spell after they did the same to your laptop? None of us. None of us have done that because only an idiot or a psycho would take revenge on a baby.
A Detroit woman decided to take kissing to another level and literally bit off the tip of “her friend’s” tongue while they were kissing at an apartment. Yup, she just chomped down on him because well, she was probably a little bit too excited. That or maybe she was hungry? According to authorities, 52-year-old Youlette Wedgeworth and her friend were engaged in consensual kissing when Wedgewroth decided to bite off an inch of the man’s tongue! YES, an inch! Can you imagine the pain this man went through! I mean, biting your own tongue by accident hurts, imagine someone else biting off a WHOLE INCH! Hell no, I would have pushed this woman off asap. Police stated they were called to the scene where they found the man bleeding from his mouth. They were able to recover the piece of tongue in the bedroom of his apartment. According to Macomb County Prosecutor Eric Smith, this is the first case of this nature in his 27 years in the Prosecutor’s Office. The Michigan woman was taken into custody and the man was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. Macomb County prosecutors charged Wedgeworth with aggravated assault, a one-year misdemeanor that carries a possible fine of $1,000. Wedgeworth was arranged in the 37th District Court and is being held in lieu of a $25,000 bail. This is so insane, I am amazed at the strength of this woman, really. I mean, she physically bit the man’s tongue and took off a chunk! Now he has to live his whole life with 1/4 of it. Try explaining to your girlfriend or boyfriend that you’re missing a piece of your tongue because a vampire tried to cut it all off. I really want to know why she did it, either this man did something horrible to her and she wanted revenge, or she’s just crazy. But, Michigan Department of Corrections records shows that the woman has previously served prison time on a conviction for assault with intent to do great bodily harm back in 1997. So, maybe she just missed jail?
Okay, I have to mention this story... the Boy Scouts’ future is in jeopardy after sexual abuse lawsuits cause bankruptcy. Barraged with sex-abuse lawsuits, the Boy Scouts of America filed for bankruptcy protection last Tuesday in hopes of working out a potentially mammoth victim compensation plan that will allow the 110-year-old organization to carry on. The Chapter 11 filing in federal bankruptcy court in Wilmington, Delaware, sets in motion what could be one of the biggest, most complex bankruptcies ever seen. Scores of lawyers are seeking settlements on behalf of several thousand men who say they were molested as scouts by scoutmasters or other leaders decades ago but are only now eligible to sue because of recent changes in their states’ statute-of-limitations laws. Bankruptcy will enable the Scouts to put those lawsuits on hold for now. But ultimately they could be forced to sell off some of their vast property holdings, including campgrounds and hiking trails, to raise money for a compensation trust fund that could surpass 1 billion dollars. The organization encouraged all victims to come forward to file claims. The bankruptcy petition listed the Boy Scouts’ assets at between 1 billion and 10 billion dollars, and its liabilities at 500 million to 1 billion dollars. “Scouting programs will continue throughout this process and for many years to come,” the Boy Scouts said in a statement. “Local councils are not filing for bankruptcy because they are legally separate and distinct organizations.” The Boy Scouts are just the latest major American institution to face a heavy price over sexual abuse. Roman Catholic dioceses across the country and schools such as Penn State and Michigan State have paid out hundreds of millions of dollars in recent years. The bankruptcy represents a painful turn for an organization that has been a pillar of American civic life for generations and a training ground for future leaders. Achieving the rank of Eagle Scout has long been a proud accomplishment that politicians, business leaders, astronauts and others put on their resumes and in their official biographies. The Boy Scouts’ finances have been strained in recent years by declining membership and sex-abuse settlements. The number of youths taking part in scouting has dropped below two million, down from a peak of more than four million during the 1970s. The organization has tried to counter the decline by admitting girls, but its membership rolls took a big hit January 1st when The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... for decades a major sponsor of Boy Scout units... cut ties and withdrew more than 400,000 scouts in favor of programs of its own. The financial outlook worsened last year after New York, Arizona, New Jersey and California passed laws making it easier for victims of long-ago abuse to file claims. Teams of lawyers across the U.S. have been signing up clients by the hundreds to sue the Boy Scouts. Most of the newly surfacing cases date to the 1960s, ’70s and ’80s; the organization says there were only five known abuse victims in 2018. The Boy Scouts credit the change to an array of prevention policies adopted since the mid-1980s, including mandatory criminal background checks and abuse-prevention training for all staff and volunteers, and a rule that two or more adult leaders be present during all activities. Many of the lawsuits accuse the organization of negligence and cover-ups, mostly from decades ago. “We are outraged that there have been times when individuals took advantage of our programs to harm innocent children,” said Roger Mosby, the Boy Scouts’ president and CEO. “While we know nothing can undo the tragic abuse that victims suffered, we believe the Chapter 11 process, with the proposed trust structure, will provide equitable compensation to all victims while maintaining the BSA’s important mission.” Among other matters to be addressed in bankruptcy court: the fate of the Boy Scouts’ assets; the extent to which the organization’s insurance will help cover compensation; and whether assets of the Scouts’ 261 local councils will be added to the fund. “There are a lot of very angry, resentful men out there who will not allow the Boy Scouts to get away without saying what all their assets are,” said lawyer Paul Mones, who represents numerous clients suing the Boy Scouts. “They want no stone unturned.” Amid the crush of lawsuits, the Scouts recently mortgaged major properties owned by the national leadership, including the headquarters in Irving, Texas, and the 140,000-acre Philmont Ranch in New Mexico, to help secure a line of credit. Founded in 1910, the Boy Scouts have kept confidential files since the 1920s listing staff and volunteers implicated in sexual abuse, for the avowed purpose of keeping predators away from youth. According to a court deposition, the files as of January listed 7,819 suspected abusers and 12,254 victims. Until last spring, the organization had insisted it never knowingly allowed a predator to work with youths. But in May, The Associated Press reported that attorneys for abuse victims had identified multiple cases in which known predators were allowed to return to leadership posts. The next day, Boy Scouts chief executive Mike Surbaugh wrote to a congressional committee, acknowledging the group’s previous claim was untrue. James Kretschmer of Houston, among the many men suing for alleged abuse, said he was molested by a Scout leader over several months in the mid-1970s in the Spokane, Washington, area. Regarding the bankruptcy, he said, “It is a shame because at its core and what it was supposed to be, the Boy Scouts is a beautiful organization.” “But you know, anything can be corrupted,” he added. “And if they’re not going to protect the people that they’ve entrusted with the children, then shut it down and move on.” Critics of the Boy Scouts charged that the bankruptcy filing is aimed in part at preventing the disclosure of further damning details. “This bankruptcy is not about finances,” said Scott Coats, who sued in New York last month over abuse he claimed to have suffered in the 1970s. “This bankruptcy is about the reputation of the Boy Scouts of America and about silencing victims and keeping the truth away from the eyes of the public.” Mike Pfau, a Seattle-based attorney whose firm is representing scores of men nationwide, said that while the Boy Scouts’ local councils are not included in the bankruptcy filing, the plaintiffs may go after their property holdings, too. “We believe the real property held by the local councils may be worth significantly more than the Boy Scouts’ assets,” he said. He said one question will be whether the Boy Scouts transferred property to its local councils in hopes of putting it out of the reach of those suing the organization. I was never a Boy Scout, but I was a Cub Scout... for about six weeks or less. Here's proof...

Don't I look cute? Haha. Instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this record...

Ummm... maybe not. Ever see those panhandlers on the side of the road? Some of them sure are witty, and behind the times...

If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up at the Melbourne Australia airport where Jimmie Nicol sat alone, waiting for the plane that will take him back to obscurity...

I would ask him though what was it like playing with the Beatles for ten days. Journalists make mistakes sometimes, which leads to very entertaining editorials...

Hahaha. They tell me at Walmart I would see some strange sites. I didn't believe it until I saw this...

Is that Ariel? The NFL has changed the logo and name of yet another team...

I like it. Hey, future kids, these were the Founding Fathers...

You know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's things that happen in Florida that happen nowhere else in the universe. So, once again here's...

Jeffrey Dahmer, who? Police in Florida are investigating the gruesome discovery of jars of human tongues in a home’s crawl space. The preserved organs were found during an inspection of the foundation in the Gainesville house, previously owned by Dr. Ronald Baughman, who is a former University of Florida researcher. According to authorities, some of the gallon-sized jars date back to the 1960s. Investigators are now looking into the possibility that Baughman, who published several studies in the following two decades, may have brought the tongues from his Florida home as part of his work. Baughman stored the jars in the crawl space because it was a cool area. Baughman is currently a professor emeritus at the University. Back in 1988, an abstract in the Journal of Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery posted on the medical research site Science Direct lists Ronald A. Baughman as a dentist who was involved in a case of oral squamous cell carcinoma in twins. The tongues were said to be used for research on thyroid and neck conditions and were to be brought back to the university. Baughman’s ex-wife now owns the home and forgot the jars were beneath the house in the first place. Steve Orlando, University of Florida spokesperson stated he didn’t know what the policies and laws would have been like 50 years ago, but this incident wouldn’t be permitted today. “There are very strict federal and state laws as well as university policies that prohibit that. It would be neither appropriate nor legal for a faculty member or researcher to bring something like that home.” Luckily, police do not suspect any foul play is involved with the tongues and are conducting tests on the specimens. It is still not clear how many tongues were found but authorities did note that one jar contained several human remains.

Haha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, I mentioned in the monologue the mom sharing an emotional video of her son breaking down after being bullied for Dwarfism. Well, a friend of the Phile has something to say about that. He is a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Yyyyyep, that pretty much settles it... I’m goin’ straight to fuckin’ Hell. So, lately I’ve been reading stories and watching videos about this poor kid from Australia, who’s being bullied because he suffers from Dwarfism. All these celebrities sending him videos showing support... telling him to be brave... setting him up with money and vacations... encouraging him to keep a positive attitude... .and I’m over here like, “Lookit you... you’re like a little shaved Ewok over there... quit yer cryin’ and start nut punchin’ these pricks when they pick on ya. C’mon, you’re the perfect height for a surprise dick smash... just ball up those little sausage link fingers of yours into a fist and blast ‘em in the yambag.” On second thought... perhaps I shouldn’t send the kid a video message.

If you or someone you know is experiencing substance abuse, call the National Drug Helpline at 1-844-289-0879. Okay, so, dating a famous person might not be all it's cracked up to be. A concerned mom is emailed me asking for advice after she met her daughter's "famous" rock star boyfriend and wasn't impressed with what she saw.

"Am I wrong for telling my daughter I don't approve of her 'famous' boyfriend?" Mom started out excited, especially after she Googled his band. "My daughter told me around three months ago that she was dating a new guy, and I was happy for her. Then she told me that he is in a band, and it's a pretty big band. At first I thought she was exaggerating but then I looked it up and it turns out they are pretty big (like millions of views on their songs on YouTube kind of big!), and that right away kind of made me a bit worried and excited at the same time for her." Her daughter warned her that he was a colorful character, but it all seemed okay. "She has told me all this stuff about the crazy stuff she has done in the past few months just by being with him, and it sounds fun and part of me is a bit jealous. LOL. I was happy for her though, she had met a lot of other pretty famous people and been backstage at some big concerts." But then she met him... and the off-color jokes, cigarette-smoking and drunkenness put her off. "Then, he came over for dinner. And my opinion of him changed completely. He was an unabashed asshole. He basically made fun of a disabled person right in front of us within 30 minutes of meeting us. He smoked cigarettes without a care in the world for the people around him (outside, not in the house, but still). He interrupted people in conversations and was very rude in general when talking. His ego was unbearable. He always had to be the center of attention, almost like he was gracing us with his presence and we should be grateful. He had an ego the size of a skyscraper, constantly talking about all this stuff he's done in his life and places he's traveled. It was almost like a bad stereotype trope of an 'asshole rockstar' from a comedy movie. And even worse, he was dismissive and at points downright MEAN to our daughter right in front of us. It was painfully obvious he did not care much for her, and she looked hurt by the things he said." And he was drunk before he even arrived. "He also showed up the dinner a bit tipsy, and proceeded to drink quite a lot during the dinner as well. I don't have any real tangible evidence but it seemed like he was on some kind of upper." She told the daughter right away that this guy seemed like bad news. "When he left, I right away confronted my daughter and told her that he was not a good man and that I do not approve, at all, of this guy. She got very defensive and said he was just a bit drunk and that he is a very nice guy, but I just wasn't having it. I tried to be as honest with her as possible, that this guy is a narcissist and that he isn't good for her, and that I hope she isn't just staying with him because he's famous." Oof... yes, she basically called her daughter a groupie. "I regret saying that last part to an extent, but it was the truth. She got furious at yelled at me and then left. Am I in the wrong for this? Was it too harsh? Thank you, Jason." It's okay to be concerned... but accusing your daughter of dating him for his fame was probably not the best way to get her message across. It's normal to be worried and he doesn't sound like a nice guy (just showing up tipsy to meet you shows how little he cares about her). Maybe you could have approach the subject more calmy just she could be more receptive; but I would definitely try talking to her again. She will realize he's bad for her, but on her own time. Now I just wanna know... which band is he in?!?!

The 115th book to be pheatured on the Phile is...

My good friend Jeff will be on the Phile next Tuesday. So, there's this girl who still thinks it's the 90s. She wanted to come back on the Phile with some kinda advice. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Jessica, welcome back. How are you?

Jessica: I'm great, Jason. Do you have any female fans of this blog?

Me: Yeah, a few I think. Why?

Jessica: I have a beauty tip for them.

Me: Okay...

Jessica: Girls, pull hair out of the cap with the hook and bleach. Roll body glitter on your chest. Paint your nails with White Out, and just smear a pound of foundation all over your face. Make sure it doesn't match your skin tone at all.

Me: Ummm... that's it?

Jessica: Yep. Gotta dip, meeting some friends at the mall. Bye.

Me: Jessica Enistink, the girl who still thinks it is the 90s, kids.

Phact 1. In 1992 an Israeli cargo plane crashed in Amsterdam killing 43 people. Israel claimed it was carrying flowers and perfume. It took 6 years and a Dutch parliamentary inquiry before they admitted it was carrying DMMP, a key component for sarin nerve gas.

Phact 2. There was an Italian composer in the 1700s named Francesco Zappa. Upon discovering this, in the early 80s, Frank Zappa re-recorded his music on a Synclavier and released it on an album, marketing it as his first digital recording in over 200 years.

Phact 3. Artificial intelligence systems known as "robo farmers" could soon grow crops and tend livestock around Britain while their human controllers need never set foot in a field again.

Phact 4. Leonardo DiCaprio owns the live-action rights to an "Akira" movie.

Phact 5. The production of Cast Away was shut down for a year so Tom Hanks could lose the required weight and grow a beard for his character’s development. Instead of just sitting around waiting, director Robert Zemeckis and his crew used the hiatus to make the movie What Lies Beneath.

Today's pheatured guest is an American singer, songwriter, musician, author, and performance artist. Her latest album "There Will Be No Intermission" is available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Amanda Palmer.

Me: Hello, Amanda, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Amanda: I'm doing pretty good, Jason. How are you?

Me: I'm doing good. Where are you from? New York City, right?

Amanda: Yeah, New York City, but grew up in Lexington, Massachusetts.

Me: Nice. So, on your new album "There Will Be No Intermission," you sing about some depressing stuff... your best friend's death, a miscarriage and your ex's suicide. You even have a song about the legalization of abortion. How did that come about? That's a hot topic right now.

Amanda: When I sat down and thought I'm Amanda Palmer the songwriter who's not afraid of the dark I need to write about abortion. I've had one, I want to speak about this. I think we should... but hooowwwww? How do I write about abortion? I was just like search me, I don't know how to do that. I just couldn't crack it then in my 30s, I'm 42 now, in my 30s before I had a child and a miscarriage I had two very different abortion experiences. One wasn't my choice, it was for medical reasons and one that I chose. All that time I was evolving as a songwriter that whole time and I just couldn't crack how I do this. The thing I found most difficult to figure out is who's is the voice, who speaks. With a song about abortion is it this giant I'm saying, "I did this, I feel this"? Is it the protestor's standing outside the clinic? Is it the provider? Is it the fetus? Who gets to talk here?! Or is it everybody? Then I went to Dublin and just the sheer power of these women who had had it and were just like we don't care anymore. We're going to just give notes and tell the truth. They really lit a fire under me. I got home and I sat down and I was like I got a couple of months before I make this record if I don't write this now and write about it right I'm going to regret this.

Me: So how did you "crack the code" so to speak?

Amanda: I had to figure out who was talking and who they were talking to, No one really has asked me that specific question, I'm so glad you did. I was actually trying to capture the feeling I had of being in these pubs in Dublin the night the legislation was passed. And the looks on these women's faces, like all of these women were openly weeping all night and grabbing me.

Me: How did you feel about that? I guess sit made you feel good...?

Amanda: I was rally lucky, I had access to these feminist journalists who happened to like my music, they happened to find me, and they happened to take me to these gatherings, these parties, these celebrations. But these quieter moments were happening of women just leaning into me saying "you think you understand what's going on here but we've been here. You'd have to live here, you don't understand what this means, Amanda. You don't understand how it felt. Like we've finally felt that we're allowed to exist. We've been so oppressed by our own government and now we're free. We're free." And I would just sit there and like this is happening. So much what they did to get that vote passed is they marched door to door to door to door for months. Knocking on doors and little old Irish couples would answer the door and they were like "will you just listen to my story? Because I just need to tell you this is what it means. My mother, my aunt, my sister and the cost women dying, do you really want this to be the country we live in?" And so the vote at the end of the day was overwhelming, an overwhelming yes vote.

Me: So how did you figure out who would be "speaking"? The fetus prospective, the protestors prospective... what did you end up choosing?

Amanda: A woman talking to another woman. Which is what I see happening right now in the Trump world, in the last two or three years with Brett Kavanaugh, with all of that. The sharpest tool in our arsenal is sharing our stories with one another. That's what's working fro the bottom up and that's what's going to keep working.

Me: I love the song from the album "Drowning in the Sound"? How does it feel when you do that song live on stage?

Amanda: I love it. It's one of my favorites.

Me: Why is that?

Amanda: Have you ever seen the Dresden Dolls?

Me: No, I don't know what that is. Is it a movie or TV show?

Amanda: No, it's my band.

Me: Oh. Hahaha. Tell me about them.

Amanda: Even though I deeply, deeply love my record I love all the songs, I love playing it, but man, I love banging the shit out of a piano. It's just so cathartic. When I tour with the Dresden Dolls I do that for three hours and on the Dresden Doll tours I really look forward to the slow sad songs because I need a break. But this is a pretty ballad record, the songs are mid-tempo and under mostly so I look forward to the "you owe me money" songs.

Me: Have you lost a piano yet? Ever break one?

Amanda: Yeah, the second show in New York I broke an F string. It happens.

Me: As you mentioned this is very much a record of your time, of who you are. How does it feel to share that with strangers night after night on stage?

Amanda: Oh, that's a good question. I'm going to be on tour with this record for probably 18 months, maybe a few years. I'm scared and I think that's good. I think the fact that I'm scared is a really good sign.

Me: Scared of what?

Amanda: It's a scary show. Like scary for me. Like it's scary to get onto the stage and just to entertain people. My stage show is just unapologetically balls out. I talk really graphically about getting abortions. I talk about having a miscarriage alone. I stop and slow down and tell the stories and tell how it felt. The songs are all woven in there, it's a really beautiful show. It's like a piece of theater. But it's also for someone who is like any other artist or musician sensitive to any type of criticism, putting this kind of stuff out there is really frightening.

Me: There's a book that accompanies this album and in it you kinda apologize and say you're over sharing a little bit. You don't seem like the type that would have a problem like that? Am I right? 

Amanda: Sometimes it's an etiquette thing. I'm married to a British person who just apologizes for existing.

Me: Yeah! I was gonna mention that but I wasn't sure I was allowed. Tell the readers who your husband is, he's fantastic! I love his "Mr. Hero" comics.

Amanda: Yeah, I'm married to Neil Gaiman who happens to be British... and Neil Gaiman.

Me: Isn't he kinda private? I have been trying to get him on the Phile for years. Is he private? 

Amanda: He is. He has such a very different relationship with what he does what he plunders from his life before he lets you see it. He dresses it up in all sorts of costumes but he's still the naked person inside. He'll never let you actually in there.

Me: How does he feel about you letting it all out?

Amanda: It's two very different art forms. We need costumed fiction and sci-fi just as much as we need unapologetic memoir. I think. I think I don't want to live in a world that only had one. I'd kill myself. And we need the whole spectrum. Neil has made a career out of taking what he sees as reality and what he sees as true and putting it into fiction. I sort made a career of stripping as much as much fiction way as possible.

Me: What do you like about that?

Amanda: It's interesting to me. Like to me the challenge of my career that sort of keeps calling me is the places I go when I'm afraid, because I get bored. I just feel like I keep being called to figure out how much more honest I could be without totally losing control of the plot. And also I have been called there by my community because when I make myself more vulnerable they respond. I don't mean just my diehard fans who have been there for 20 years but the more I write and the more I find myself standing on the edge of vulnerability, if I don't want to go in there that's probably the door I should open. Those are usually the songs that really speak to people. So I learned to listen to that as a cue.

Me: When someone criticizes you on Facebook, or any social media or in a review does it hurt more because it's about your real life?

Amanda: What do you mean?

Me: If you write a song about an abortion, a miscarriage or death of a friend and they don't like it does it hurt you a little bit more opposed to you writing something really that's not that personal? 

Amanda: No. weirdly it doesn't. That's such a good question. I don't think anybody has asked me that. If I'm a good artist it doesn't matter how direct my songwriting is. It means an immense about to me, whether or not I understand exactly what I'm singing about. It means something to me as the writer. When I sit down and write a song whether I'm direct "Bob Dylaning" it or I'm hyper poetry psychedelic I don't really understand the Thomas Pynchon of songwriting. Maybe Radiohead is another good example. A lot of the songs are huh... sounds fascinating. The point is there's a whole spectrum and also dance around that spectrum. What I meant to say was as the artist the song holds the entire meaning to me in respective of that spectrum. If you don't like my song it doesn't matter of the song was direct or covered in psychedelia, it's going to hurt right around the same place, right around the same way.

Me: It does really?

Amanda: I think so. I think that probably varies from songwriter to songwriter. As a woman who has taken a lot of criticism for being overshary or too dramatic too whatever, throw in an adjective. Too attention getting, it's taken me a long time to realize like almost all of that criticism that's been leveled at me is basically just like the definition of an artist most of the time. There's something changing about that right now in the cultural dialogue that I actually appreciate.

Me: What is that?

Amanda: Women are not getting quite as shouted down for just standing up saying this is how it feels, this is how it is. I'm not going to couch to for you and apologize for it nine times before I say not and apologize nine times after, I'm just going to tell you. I think I have something to add here. 

Me: That's good. Do you think that's positive?

Amanda: Yeah, I think it is. I think it's infectious. The more women who do it it doesn't matter if they're artists or journalists or not even people with social platforms. Just simply women telling the truth shamelessly is just spreading like a wild fire throughout culture. Every time the bar gets raised it stays there.

Me: Amanda, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun. You're very interesting. Please come back again soon.

Amanda: Thank you, Jason.

What an album cover. I didn't get to ask her about it. Haha. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Amanda Palmer. The Phile will be back tomorrow with producer, writer and TV show creator Susan Harris. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Pheaturing Rob Thomas

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Wednesday. This is the fifth entry in the row, I think that might be a record. Okay, let's start off with a good story and a nice pic...

Oh man, just look at how happy little Eliza looks ringing this bell! The one-year-old celebrated the end of her cancer battle by ringing the famous cancer-free bell at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus. Usually, ringing the bell is a tradition among cancer patients who ring it on their last day of treatment. Her father, 28-year-old Chance Moore, has been showing the world her process through TikTok. He recently decided to share the heartwarming moment Eliza was given a round of applause as she rang the bell while in the arms of her mom, Kate Hudson. Eliza is seen gleefully holding the rope to ring it, and can’t resist to lean over and ring it a second time. Yes, you ring it as much as you want, Eliza! The Tiktok, captioned, “When you kick Cancer’s Butt so hard that you have to ring the bell more than once!!” has been viewed more than 5.77 million times and has 2.1 million likes so far. The road hasn’t been easy for the 1-year-old. She was diagnosed with cancer in June 2019 when she was just 10-months-old. According to the family’s GoFundMe page, she needed to have one of her kidneys removed the day after she was diagnosed due to complications that were caused by her tumor. In July, she was officially diagnosed with malignant rhabdoid tumor, which is a rare and aggressive tumor that occurs in infancy or childhood. Weeks later, doctors then found an additional tumor in her brain and was diagnosed with ATRT, atypical teratoid rhabdoid tumor. ATRT is a rare and fast ground cancerous tumor of the spinal cord and brain. Eliza underwent brain surgery to have the tumor and affected brain tissue removed and started aggressive chemotherapy at the end of July. Both Kate and Chance have been documenting the girl’s journey on Instagram as well, which included her chemotherapy sessions and surgeries. Due to this, little Eliza had been capturing the hearts of millions over the past eight months, and thousand congratulated her on social media after her parents shared her success story. Be still, my heart! These types of stories are my favorite! Congratulations, Eliza! Wishing you a happy and healthy life!
When it comes to medicine you can’t just assume that you get the gist of it and start treating yourself. Especially not with your own hot sperm and a needle you bought on the Internet. One Irish man, however, had an idea that if he injected his semen into his arm his back pain would magically disappear. Because… stem cells? Just take some Advil. Anyway, that for sure didn’t work. The guy’s back was still messed up and he had to go to the hospital because of a subcutaneous abscess on his right arm. Basically, he had a big bubble of cum pooled under his skin. The doctors told him as much and started treating him to get rid of the semen demon living in his arm but he discharged himself from the hospital before the doctors could finish. According to the hospital, the man told doctors that he had been injecting himself with semen on a monthly basis for a year and a half. Dr. Lisa Dunne of Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Tallaght came to the obvious conclusion that this was the first case of “intravenous semen injection” ever found in medical literature. I would like to take this time to remind our male readers to never purchase hypodermic needles online and then spend eighteen months masturbating your semen into them and injecting said semen into any part of your body. This is not an actual medical treatment. It is, in fact, bad for you. You may have heard a lot about stem cells or other fancy medical procedures that involve reproductive and fetal tissue. While I am not a doctor I can confidently assure you that stabbing some jizz into your skin is not a feasible way for you to utilize or reap the benefits of stem cells.
Teenagers these days are so hard to understand that it sometimes hurts my brain. It’s like we can’t keep up with the things they are doing to get them that high they want, literally or figuratively. In this case, it’s literally, and it’s gross. Way too gross. You know how back in the day there was the Tide Pod Challenge, the Whatsapp Challenge, and the Boiling Water Challenge? Well now, there’s something called the Tampon Challenge. And yes, it involves feminine hygiene products, and I am questioning everybody’s sanity at this point. Apparently, teenagers in Indonesia are collecting menstrual tampons and pads and boiling them, allowing the mixture to cool and then imbibing the resulting liquid. How exactly does this get them high? Well, the chlorine used to sanitize menstrual products is what’s get them tipsy, giving them hallucinations and makes them feel like they are “flying.” And in case you were questioning this, police in Indonesia have actually arrested several teenagers who have confessed to using them, all between the ages of 13 and 16. A 14-year-old even admitted to the police that his friends drink the “menstrual moonshine," morning afternoon and evening. Authorities are trying to investigate which pads caused the intoxication effects but stated that consuming the chemicals within them is dangerous. Because, DUH. The sanitary napkins contain irritants called superabsorbent polymers. Jordana Kier, co-founder of LOLA, a reproductive health brand, stated that their organic cotton LOLA pads are made from chemically blending acrylic acid, and sodium hydroxide to form sodium polyacrylate. In other words: NOT MEANT TO BE CONSUMED, YOU DUMB DUMBS. And although the FDA classified SAP as nontoxic, it hasn’t been tested for effects of consuming it in high concentrations because they never thought they needed to in the first place, which is why it shouldn’t be used for anything other what it is intended for. Several packages do contain warnings including inhalation and ingestion which comes with a directive to “induce vomiting and seek medical attention.” Now, I don’t know what you think about this whole stupid situation, but I think this is just more than ridiculous. Even more idiotic than that damn Kiki Challenge. For all of you with teenagers lying around your home, if you are noticing a serious lack of tampons in the bathroom, you might want to make sure they aren’t being used to get high. Because we never know nowadays. The fact that I have to say this is stupid.
Have you heard of the tiny hand and feet manicure trend? It's terrifying. I am as confused as you are. Safe to say that beauty trends come and go every day trying to keep up with fashion, but this trend, this trend I do not understand one single bit. I get there are women who like to get crazy designs on their nails, but this is insane, right?

To step it up a notch, women are now putting tiny hands and feet on their nails. Yes, so basically they have five fingers on each fingernail, it’s confusing, but keep up with me. The trend reportedly dates back to 2018, but somehow it is still going around which is wild to even think about. Through a short tutorial, the technician crafts the nails into tiny feet where she adds red nail polish on the middle toenail. The Instagram account @Nail Sunny, is known for its quirky and talented designs, but this one got a lot of different responses from people. Because well, not only do you have to use nail polish for your nail but also on the fake hand which has fake nails. Yes, it’s like Inception in here. Basically, the fake nails are put on the hands, and then they are molded into the perfect shape they want, and the artist paints each creepy hand and foot in flesh powder. Then each foot gets a pedicure, and each finger gets a manicure, perfecting all the details. The Instagram account even has a hand flipping someone off with their fake nails. So if you think about it, it’s kind of like a double flip off. Which is hilarious in itself, but this is too much. I would like to have this nail artist’s patience, because I’m sure these take forever to finish. At least two hours hands down. Nail artists for the win?
An aspiring Chicago rapper who posted a video on YouTube of himself throwing thousands of dollars that he inherited from his mother to his “fans” has been sentenced to 99 years in prison for her 2012 murder-for-hire killing. Qaw’mane Wilson, 30, was sentenced on January 31st by a Cook County judge who also sentenced the convicted gunman, Eugene Spencer, to 100 years, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. Both men were convicted last March of first-degree murder, attempted murder and home invasion in the killing of Yolanda Holmes, who was a hairstylist in Chicago’s Uptown neighborhood, the newspaper reported. Prosecutors said Holmes doted on her son, an only child, lavishing him with fancy clothes, jewelry and a Mustang, but that he wanted more. Wilson, then 23, sent Spencer to his mother’s apartment to kill her in September 2012 so that Wilson could raid her bank accounts, prosecutors said. “The word is ‘matricide,’ meaning murder of one’s own mother,” Cook County Judge Stanley Sacks said Friday, as he stared from the bench at Wilson and Spencer. “Whatever he wanted, his mother gave to him. A car. A job. One could say he was spoiled. She gave Qaw’mane life, and it was his choice to take it away from her.” Records showed that Wilson withdrew nearly $70,000 from his mother’s accounts in the months after her death and spent the money on flashy clothes and to customize the Mustang she had given him to have gull-wing doors added to the vehicle. Wilson also posted on YouTube a video of himself withdrawing thousands of dollars in cash from a bank and throwing those bills to a crowd of people that he said in the video were “fans” of his rap music. That video was played for the jury that convicted Wilson, who went by the name Young QC. During sentencing, he slouched in his chair and merely nodded when Sacks announced the sentence. When asked if he had anything to say before Sacks made his ruling, Wilson spoke briefly. “I just want to say, nobody loved my mother more than me,” he said. “She was all I had. That’s it.”
The NFL has changed the name and logo of yet another team...

If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up in Michigan in 1971 where high school principal R. Wiley Brownlee was tarred and feathered by the KKK after he left a board meeting where he proposed the school district honor MartinLuther King, Jr.

Poor dude. Do you know this logo?

When you turn it on the side look what it looks like...

That should've been a Mindphuck. Haha. I have no idea what OGC is by the way. Journalists sometimes get things wrong and sometimes we get a crazy editorial out of it. Like this one...

Haha. My son and I were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" when he was a kid and how much that show has changed now that's it's on HBO.

Big Bird does his hourly drive-by laughing at the slaves on his plantation.

Which one is it? Danzig or Signourney Weaver? Hahaha. Okay, so there's a local teacher who likes to come onto the Phile now and then. Something exciting happened last week and he wants to share it. So please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Mr. Cylance, how are you?

Mr. Cylance: I'm good, Jason, I had a good three days off.

Me: That's great. So, what happened last week that you want to share?

Mr. Cylance: A group of girls had a masturbating challenge.

Me: Ummm... what?

Mr. Cylance: Yeah, the challenge being to masturbate in class and not be caught.

Me: How do you know this?

Mr. Cylance: Because they were caught. It apparently went on for weeks before they were caught.

Me: Ugh. That it?

Mr. Cylance: Yep. I have to go back to school now. See ya soon, Jason.

Me: Mr. Cylance, the happiest teacher around, kids.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. You know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's stuff that happens here that happens no where else in the universe.

A Florida special education teacher and two teacher aide’s were charged with abusing children with autism, after locking them in dark bathrooms and blowing a whistle into one’s ears. According to reports, Margaret Wolthers surrendered to the Okaloosa County after another aide was shocked by the repeated abuse at the Silver Sands School in Fort Walton Beach and reported it to a school police officer. Wolthers is now facing aggravated child abuse charges along with Aides Diana LaCroix and Carolyn Madison. The women allegedly abused the children between ages 8 and 10 from September to November of last year. All three autistic children were locked separately into a classroom bathroom with the lights off for up to 90 minutes. The children would cry and scream when placed inside the bathroom and let out once they were "calm." According to investigators, the teacher and aides “intentionally and maliciously” blew a whistle in the ear of a child with a low sensory auditory threshold, who wore earphones to protect himself from loud noises. La Croix and Madison would blow the whistle within seven inches of the child’s ear by holding her child’s arms down keeping him from protecting himself by covering his ears. The classroom aides said they were only “disciplining the children” and felt the practices acceptable. The Principal did confirm the incident, saying school policy does not allow for seclusion without supervision as a form of punishment and is in fact, prohibited. All women, who had worked at the school for more than five years, were placed on administrative leave during the investigation. After the charges were filed, they were put on pay suspension pending the outcome of the criminal case. The principal said the district is training their other teachers on how to handle children who are acting out. I mean, I sure hope so. My question here is… why go into teaching if you have no patience? Also, they were put on pay suspension? I’m sorry, but these women need to be fired immediately. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen, get it together Florida. Think of the children!

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No. No." he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No. No." he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No. No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.

The 115th book to be pheatured on the Phile's Book Club is...

My friend Jeff will be on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's guest is an American singer, songwriter and musician, best known as the lead singer of rock band Matchbox Twenty. His latest solo album "Chip Tooth Smile" is available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Rob Thomas.

Me: Hey, Rob, welcome to the Phile. I'm a big fan. How are you?

Rob: It is nice to be here, thanks for having me.

Me: I love the song "One Less Day (Dying Young") from your new album. What is that song about? 

Rob: It started out as a conversation, I was on the road with Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows and we had this conversation where we were at an age where we weren't old but we were too old to die young. I think it was Adam who said every day we're one less day from dying young. I thought that was a thought that struck me there's so much sentiment about youth. There's something about the idea tonight we're young and we're going to be young forever and never want to get old. I would hear people say it, "It sucks getting old." But the alternative is so bleak. There's only two choices we have... we get a day older or we don't. I thought it was good to write a song about the joy of getting older. The privilege is not afforded to everyone, we lost friends in our time before their time.

Me: I'm already old and I hate getting old. Haha. I like the line in the song that says something like "we've lost friends so young." I lost my dad in 2000, both of my parents actually, and you lost friends in the music business as well. Was that what you were thinking?

Rob: We've lost in the music business, but people know know one knows but us. We've lost some of our closest people. I think it is more of a product of being at a certain age, it just starts to happen more. Even in the news, when I start seeing people die but I see that number to the right of their name. It gets closer and closer to my number. I start to really take stock and then I have things as I get older I don't want to really lose.

Me: Hmmm. Like what, Rob?

Rob: I have a son now. I want to see how that turns out as long as I possibly can. I want to see how that goes.

Me: Has your songwriting changed as you're getting older?

Rob: I'm not sure. I think as I listen back to it. "One Less Day (Dying Young)" doesn't sound like "3 a.m." It doesn't sound like "Push." But in that way it has, but I don't think there's been a conscious effort to make that happen. I try and think of a Daoism idea of the whole thing, where I be a leaf in the wind and see where it takes me as opposed to sitting down having an idea I want to inhere to arbitrarily where I'm going to make this song this kind of thing?

Me: Does songwriting come easy for you?

Rob: Most of it is inspiration. It comes from this melody I hear above my head that isn't finished yet then I realize it isn't mine. Then it goes into craft, and I hope each year that I do it, each record that I make I hope I get a little better at the craft. I shape it a little more. I try not to think about what I'm doing. So when I listen to the distance between me twenty years ago to me now I hear that but the mechanics of how I do it hasn't changed. I sit down, I pick up a guitar, I sit at a piano and wait to a melody hits me. But in this case now because I'm running next to the ghost of myself that's always next to me, and hopefully a little but behind me... 

Me: Is the "ghost of yourself" your past success?

Rob: Yeah, and I don't want to quite be there.

Me: That's interesting. So you're unsourced by your past success?

Rob: I want to beat that guy. I want that guy to look at this guy and be like "wow, you did good with that. That was good."

Me: It's been 20 plus years since Matchbox 20's "Yourself Or Someone Like You" came out, Rob. I saw you guys op[en for the Lemonheads that year. When or if you listen to that album do you feel like the same person?

Rob: It does. I can hear it. I love playing those songs live, it's a shared experience and it's new every night. I'm playing for people, I'm having a moment, they're having a moment, we're all having the same moment. But live is a different animal. But the recording exists in a time capsule. All I could hear is the limitations because without a doubt at that time in 1996 I wrote the best songs I possibly could write at that time and we made the best record we possibly could at that time. Then as I grow and evolve and look back I'm like I would've done this, I would've done that.

Me: I loved the music you made back then, and I remember seeing Tabitha's Secret, your first band, Rob. Did you have a good time back then?

Rob: It was a good time, we were doing what was kind of happening. It was the only time in our career, even though we continued to somehow stay above water, it was the only time on our career what we were doing was what was happening. I think at that perfect moment what was happening was happening. When we came out with "Unwell," when we heard "Unwell" on the radio it was a Top 5 hit with a banjo in it and everything else in the charts was like Nelly and Ludicrous. The Backstreet Boys was the closet thing to a band that was on there, and we're just like floating in there somewhere. But at that moment in 1996 we were like what people were listening to.

Me: Can you pinpoint the moment where you were a guy in a band trying to make hit records to when this thing kinda worked?

Rob: We had one single called "Long Day" and it failed miserably. Also we put it out first, the day our record comes out Lava Records we were signed to folds. Every band on it expect for us, Edwin McCain and Sugar Ray get dropped. They're about to drop us because "Long Day" we put out is just falling miserably. There's guy named Dave Rossi who was a radio programmer in Birmingham, Alabama, which was a big market, this was back when they could do this, he liked "Push" so he started playing it on his station just because he liked it. It became the number one song in Birmingham in like a week. Like you said, we were out opening for the Lemonheads at the time and we strolled up playing for like 200 people in the gigs. We showed up to the Birmingham Music Hall and there was a line outside the door. It was wrapped around with people trying to get in to see Matchbox 20 because of this song "Push."

Me: That song "pushed" your career. Hahaha.

Rob: Yeah, and everything from that moment on was like movie crazy.

Me: Okay, so, can we talk about "Smooth"?

Rob: Sure we can.

Me: That song was a pretty big one, right?

Rob: That was a big one, yeah.

Me: How did that come about?

Rob: Originally I wrote it but I wasn't supposed to sing it, I just wrote it as a writer, me and this guy Itaal Shur, I just got off the road, we have been on the road for years, I was living in Soho in New York City and just got a call that this guy just around the corner from me, literally blocks way was writing this song for the new Santana record "Supernatural." It was his big come back but at the time we didn't know that, I just thought I was going to do something with Carlos and I thought I was going to have to tell everybody about it because nobody was going to know.

Me: So, how did you become the singer on that song?

Rob: They couldn't figure out who they wanted to sing it and Carlos liked my voice on the demo and said, "I believe this guy, let's get him to do it. Does he sing?"

Me: He didn't know know you are a singer? You were very successful at that time.

Rob: Not to him I'm not.

Me: Ha! Guess he's never been to Birmingham. Hahaha. Was it cool to be on that album?

Rob: Exactly. We then went in to do it and even then it was funny because I was on the record and nearly all the record was already done. So I heard the Eric Clapton track and I heard the Dave Matthews track and the Wyclef track. At the time they started writing about it I never got mentioned. They go through this whole thing about the new record Carlos was doing and I was never in there. I called Paul who was the guitar player in Matchbox 20 and my best friend and I told this. I was kind of bummed and said no one knows I'm on this. He said, "Rob, everybody on there is pretty famous and you're not." I said that's fair, and I then felt pretty good about it and walked away seeing what would happen. Not knowing ever it was going to be the single until I'm standing on a street corner in West Broadway in Soho and literally this light turns red and this car pulls up, a convertible car fall of girls and they're blaring "Smooth." I called my wife and said, "I think 'Smooth' is the single off this record." And I called my manager and he said, "Yeah, they went with 'Smooth.' They just released it." Then I was in L.A. and Jason Newsted, when he was still in Metallica he came out of an elevator and said, "Hey, Rob." I never met him. "Hey, Rob, man, love that Carlos song." I was like alright, this has gone from New York hot girls to Metallica. There's something happening here, there's something bubbling here.

Me: That's fantastic! Did it feel like that "movie" thing again?

Rob: It did. What's funny is I thought I understood success, we had just sold three records, we had that big record, and I realized what we were we were a band that had a successful record. This was a legend having a moment that was cultural... worldwide. It went everywhere. That was his "Thriller" that year, right? "Supernatural" won nine Grammys, just boom boom Carlos was everywhere. And I got to be the "lead float" in that parade.

Me: What do you think of the song now?

Rob: I don't want to hear it again but I love to play it.

Me: Have you seen the memes about it? I have one here...

Rob: Of course. It has its own life. Pete Gamberg, who is head of A&R in Atlantic has a coffee mug which says "I'd rather be listening to..." this is awesome, by the way, it's the t-shirt but it's the whole thing, "I'd rather be listening to the Grammy Award winning 1999 hit by Santana featuring Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 off the multi-platinum album 'Supernatural.'" Like he said he'd rather be listening to "Smooth" it's not funny. But THAT... fucking funny.

Me: I saw that as well... here it is...

Me: I want one. Haha. What do you think of all this?

Rob: I went through the same journey with this song that everybody else did. It was a great summer jam, then I was sick of it, then I revisited it and I was like it's just a nice good song. It's not the best song I'd ever written, it's not the best song Carlos had ever done but again it was another moment where I was standing in the right spot at the exact right time to be apart of something that was bigger than me. There's me, there's my career and then there's "Smooth" over here to the right. It's just this whole other thing.

Me: Did it change your songwriting going forward?

Rob: It opened up my opportunities in a big way. I actually got to work with some of my heroes I never would have got those opportunities. I think the opportunities opened up for me in a big way. 

Me: Writing for someone else is that different than writing for yourself, right?

Rob: I don't think so. If someone wants to work with me to a degree they want my point of view. They like something they heard me do so I don't change my point of view for them, I think I shouldn't change my point of view for them. I think subconsciously no matter what I'm going to think a little bit differently with a song with someone in mind. But with Willie Nelson I didn't do that. I spent two days with Willie, we just smoked a lot of weed and played each others songs.

Me: He smokes weed? I didn't know that. Hahaha. So, what was it like working with Willie? I interviewed his son Lukas on the Phile a while ago.

Rob: Oh, yeah, he dabbles. I took him to it, it was a gateway drug. Ha ha ha. We just sat for two days, got really high, played each others songs and then when it was all over he handed me a notepad. I thought that was it, it's over, this was great. He gave me a notepad with three songs written on it and said, "These three songs you just played, I like them. Has anybody done them yet?" I was like no, I just wrote them. And he was like, "I want to do those three." So it was even cooler writing with Willie Nelson, my favorite songwriter, an American icon, do three of my songs because he heard them and liked them. Then I thought that was it, whatever happens happens.

Me: You're a country guy, right? You listened to country music in Orlando?

Rob: That was it, but I grew up in South Carolina, I listened to Willie and Waylon and Merle Haggard, Conway Twitty. These old guys. "Hello darling, it's been a long time since I held you..." I loved those videos of him too, with the hair, staring right into the camera. You know he was drunk. These guys, they had hard lives. They fought, they fucked, they did drugs, drank and then they wrote these beautiful songs about them. I talked to Willie and I said, "Willie, you've been married five times, why would you get married?" He said, "Rob, I loved every one of them." I said, "What about the one that tied you to the bed and set it on fire?" He said, "I loved her the most."

Me: Hahahahaha. Shut down the blog, that's the last story I need to hear for the rest of my life. Hahaha. Rob, what keeps you from lying on a beach and drinking margaritas, metaphorically? You had a pretty successful career so what keeps you going?

Rob: Well, that's never over. I think I need to be understood is definitely in play there. I think I'm going to write anyway because there's an unburdening to it in some ways of getting something out in the way I can't explain but I can if I do it to a melody. But also having the success that I had, I'm rich and that's great but now that means I am free to make the decisions I want to make based on the music I want to make. I don't have to make any decisions that I don't feel comfortable with so that I can turn a dollar. I don't have to make anything I'm not comfortable with I can make sure my kid goes to college. Like now this is the gravy train in a way. It feels kind of amazing, it feels really good. I don't know how long it's been since I put out a record. This business four years could feel like an eternity, I could be forgotten completely. So having a new song coming out, and the day my new single came out I got a call that "3 a.m." was added to classic rock radio.

Me: Oh, man. How does that feel?

Rob: It was awesome. It's the whole win. Being on classic rock radio if I'm sitting on my couch and eating Cheetos and no ones listening to my music I don't know how I feel about that. But having a new single I just finished playing on the radio and I was playing on "Ellen" the next day and I got this song on classic rock radio then it all felt right. Everything is just kind of lining up where it's supposed to be.

Me: Your song and "Slow Ride" could be played back to back. Haha. Rob, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I loved this interview. Please come back again soon.

Rob: I will, thanks man.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Rob Thomas for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Monday with musician Amanda Palmer. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon