Pheaturing Nicholas Johnston From Cut Off Your Hands

Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Let's talk about Lochte again, shall we? On Saturday, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte sat down with Matt Lauer to apologize for lying about getting robbed at gunpoint in Rio. Well, he's sorry for his "over-exaggeration" of the story, but he's still not entirely sure he didn't get robbed. But he is taking "full responsibility" either way. Immediately after the incident (in which Lochte pulled a framed advertisement off the wall and peed everywhere but the bathroom), Lochte told Lauer in a phone interview, "We are victims here." But the police said, "Not victims, they're vandals." Lochte says, "It's how you wanna make it look like. Whether you call it a robbery, whether you call it extortion, or just us paying for the damages, we don't know, all we know is that there was a gun pointed in our direction and we were demanded to give money." Lauer points out that someone did translate the words of the gas station employees, who were saying the swimmers had to pay for the stuff they broke or else they were going to call the cops. So, not so much a robbery. Lauer presses Lochte to see if he understands. Lochte says, "We just wanted to get out of there." Yeah, probably almost as much as he wanted to get out of that interview. Even if Lauer wasn't ready to let Lochte off the hook so easily, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) sure was, chalking the incident up to just kids having fun. Okay, but Lochte is 32.
Alicia Machado won the Miss Universe in 1996, but apparently her experience with the man who bought the contest that year... Donald Trump... was haunting enough that 20 years later, she finally registered to vote just so she could oppose him. Speaking on Estrella TV's "Rica La Noche," Machado said for 19 years she's struggled to convince people that the man who called her "Miss Piggy" for her weight and "Miss Housekeeping" for her Venezuelan heritage was "...a racist, a horrible person. I worked with this man, for this man, for a year out of my life that I don't wish upon my worst enemy." Machado was also asked whether Trump had ever made sexual advances. "I want to vomit. Never in my life, the man would've liked to." She did say he made attempts on "me and everyone else, That's why he bought Miss Universe, it was his private harem." Most disturbingly, Machado recounted how she had gained some weight after her 1996 victory and approached "the very sweet woman" running the day-to-day operations of Miss Universe, and asked for help fixing her diet and getting on an exercise regimen. The organization flew her to New York to meet a dietician. Then Donald Trump got involved. "The next day, they took me to the gym, and I’m exposed to 90 media outlets." Unexpectedly for Machado, Trump was in the room, in charge. He had staged an event for her to exercise and sweat off her weight in front of the media. “I was about to cry in that moment with all the cameras there,” recounts Machado, "I don’t want to do this, Mr. Trump." "I don’t care," responded Trump. Asked in 2016 whether he had made Machado lose weight, Trump casually replied, "To that, I will plead guilty." Machado said that after the humiliating experience, broadcast and reprinted for the whole country, she developed anorexia and bulimia, and has been in therapy ever since. "I've been saying the same thing for 19 years," she said. "I am so happy that after so long, people believe me."
Great news, ladies. Sexism is over! At least, according to more than 50% of men. RIP sexism. Goodbye forever. The Pew Research Center surveyed 4,602 adults this past June and July on whether they believe that there are “still significant obstacles that make it harder for women to get ahead than men.” And 56% of men said no, compared to just 34% of women. But what would women know about their own experiences regarding sexism?“ A 63% majority of women say obstacles continue to make it harder for women than men today, compared with 34% who say they are largely gone,” said Pew researchers. “Among men, 41% think women still face obstacles that make it harder to get ahead, while 56% say those challenges have mostly been eliminated.” The survey also found, maybe unsurprisingly, that Democrats were more likely to believe in sexism than Republicans. Only 23% of Republican men believe women still face challenges due to sexism, whereas Republican women were split about 50-50 on the issue. The study didn't provide answers as to why so many men believe obstacles like the wage gap and sexual harassment no longer exist. But if you asked one, he'd probably be willing to explain. No, don't ask me. Please. Moving on...
People are ordering these giant Snorlax cushions and instantly regretting it.

Yep, Pokébros in Japan are ordering massive Snorlax cushions only to find that their very appeal... their massiveness... makes them nearly impossible to fit through the door. You might think you want to pay $516 for an approximately four-foot-wide, five-foot-tall Snorlax cushion because you're lonely and you need a big Snorlax hug. But keep in mind, Snorlax can't pay rent.And you might wish he would, since he's going to be basically as big as your studio apartment. Even if you get him through the door, you're going to have to buy him his own bed. Your new roommate's a lazy sack of fuzz.
Since the dawn of time, Panda Express has been a staple of American airport and mall food court cuisine. Sure, it's never been the most authentic Chinese dining experience, but it's always been there for us in our times of need, and it's just proven that it will always have our backs once again. Lisa Jennings, the West Coast bureau chief of Nation's Restaurant News, tweeted that Panda Express is considering a switch to the "Chork." The Chork is a fork/chopstick hybrid comparable to America's other favorite utensil, the Spork. In a statement to First We Feast, Panda Express called the Chork "a perfect way to illustrate the mashup of Chinese and American cultures... just like Panda Express." The Chork is not currently available, but there is a "possibility" that it will make its way into Panda Express locations nationwide. People who can't understand how chopsticks work soon might finally have a way to get out of it without having to awkwardly ask for a fork. What a time to be alive.
Hey, so, you know about the Ku Klux Klan, right? Well, I always thought it was just "black" people they didn't like.

Guess they don't like people with those same letters. Think about it. Ha. Thank the maker I'm strawberry blonde, not ginger. So, do you know what a bathroom sign in Saudi Arabia looks like? I'll show you.

Hahaha. So, I love kid's drawings. Especially when they don't look exactly innocent. Like this one...

Sup, hose? It's summer, and all through summer I have been showing you pics of women in the greatest summer invention... the bikini... with something not so sexy in the background. Well, here's the last one...

"Don't mind me, ladies. Don't. Mind. Me." There's one thing you might not know about me is that I don't like to break rules. Unlike this person...

Did the read the title of the book, man? Ugh! And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive More Things You Don't Want To Hear Coming From The Next Bathroom Stall
5. Ah... there's that roll of quarters! Still safer than the banks!
4. Siri, what's the easiest way to remove fecal matter from your phone?
3. I'll say this for 'em... Sea Monkeys are resilient!
2. Brrr! The water sure is cold today!
And the number on thing you don't wanna hear from the next bathroom stall is...
1. Fifteen minutes of diarrhea and the water still looks better than what they're swimming in down in Rio!

If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, I live in Florida as you probably know... and here in Florida some things happen that happen no where else in the Universe. That's why I have a pheature called...

According to the "NFW Daily News," 28-year-old Mary Ester was driving down a road in Fort Walton Beach, FL, on July 7th when she failed to observe a stop sign, drove through an intersection, and plowed into the wall of someone's home. When the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office questioned her about the accident, she told them her eyes had been closed during the whole event because she was praying. She quite literally "let go and let God," and God reminded her that He steers those who steer themselves. She tried to back out (no word on whether her eyes were open then) but was stuck in sandy soil. Question 1: It's possible to pray with your eyes open, right?Question 2: What was she praying for? An excuse to buy a new car?She was cited for reckless driving with property damage, but, thank god, neither she nor anyone in the house was injured. It's a miracle! Jesus could walk on water, but apparently isn't so great at driving on lawns. At least this isn't another story about a terrible woman driver, right?

Ku Klux Klan
The Ku Klux Klan is a U.S. terrorist group devoted to the cause of white supremacy despite its members being the best argument against it.

Today's guest is the lead singer for the New Zealand band Cut Off Your Hands whose latest EP "Hollow"is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Nicholas Johnston.

Me: Hey, Nicholas, welcome to the Phile, how are you?

Nicholas: I'm good.

Me: Okay, I have to say first thing, what a horrible name for a band. I don't mean that to be disrespectful, but why Cut Off Your Hands? Why not Pull Out Hair or Cut Fingernails? Where did the name originate from? It doesn't give a pleasant thought in the mind when you hear a band name like that.

Nicholas: Originally we named this band Shaky Hands after a nervous condition I had as a child... the name Cut Off Your Hands was the title of our first EP and was a reference to Derrida's writing on auto-immunity. I was drawn to the violence of the title for our EP as we were then quite an aggressive post punk band and the music was very angular etc... we wanted to sound like gang of four or wire or ex-models even. It only became our bands name after an American band threatened to sue us as they claimed they had the name Shaky Hands before us. This was a real nuisance as we had gained quite a following by that stage in New Zealand and Australia, so we were trying to keep our name similar to that which we had established... we tried subtly changing it to These Hands Are Shaky or something similar but the American band wouldn't allow that and continued to send us cease and desist letters from their lawyers, we were young and were planning on heading to the states soon, so we took it seriously... and decided that the title of our EP was the closest name possible to the original title that we could have... So, the EP became titled "Shaky Hands" by the band Cut Off Your Hands... and we've been under that name ever since. It is violent and perhaps at odds with what we sound like, but a name is what you make it right? Do you think of someone physically smashing a pumpkin when you look at the cover of any of Smashing Pumpkins records?

Me: Sometimes, yes. Hahaha. As for your music, really good. I was expecting death metal or something. I downloaded the new album "Hollow" and really liked it. How did that title become the album title?

Nicholas: It loosely conveys a sense of what the lyrical themes are on the record... it was written after a bit of disappointment with the way things had panned out on our first album, going from being hyped and traveling the world and having a massive party, to the other side of that, feeling drained, and a little spat out, used up... hollowed out.

Me: You guys are definitely not hollow. This new album is your second after "You & I," and you also had a lot of EP's out. How long did it take to record "Hollow" and was making the album as fun as it was the first time around?

Nicholas: Making "Hollow" was a lot of fun, we did it really quickly, all in a week at our drummer's parents home in Auckland. It was the first time recording at home in New Zealand since we made our first EP (the one I was talking about earlier) which incidentally was also recorded at our drummer's parents place. It was nice to control the process as opposed to the first record where we were in London with big name producers and record company people hanging over our shoulders telling us what they thought... This time we did what we wanted and then sent our labels the results, it probably cost about 5% of the first one, and sounds waaaay better. Always record at home!

Me: I hear a lot of Echo and the Bunnymen and Talking Heads in your music. Are they influences of yours?

Nicholas: Of course, I love both of those bands, an awful lot. Particularly the way both those bands allowed the moment to last a little longer than usual, by that I mean, you hear in their music the way the bass note and the groove of the song will sit nicely in this one moment for a while... allowing the band to play around it, and you get this built up tension between the melodies... which are attempting to free themselves but are constantly refrained by the solid groove of the bass and drums... It's in a lot of their songs, both bands, but off the top of my head I'm thinking of a famous song like "The Cutter" by Echo and the Bunnyen... or "Girlfriend is Better" by Talking Heads of course there are many other elements of their music which I really like and could go into detail more about, but that element is what influenced my song writing the most on "Hollow."

Me: Who is in the band? You had a few guys drop out, right?

Nicholas: We had a couple guys leave, Mikey played guitars for us from the start, and he left just after first album "You and I" came out... we were doing a lot of touring, and were never home and I think it was a strain on his relationship with his girlfriend, who he moved back to New Zealand to marry. Mikey was replaced by Jonathan Lee, who has been with us since. Our drummer Brent took some time out when we were touring in the U.S.A. due to hearing problems (he had hearing aids from the age of 21) so came home to give his ears a break... he is very careful with them and always wears ear plugs and is playing with us again... he wrote the song "Oh Hell" on the record. Phil who plays bass and I make up the rest of the group.

Me: I have to ask you about New Zealand, Nick. Are you all from there and do you still live there?

Nick: We are all from New Zealand, and we have moved back here in the last year to live here again after years on the road and living in London.

Me: I interviewed a few bands from New Zealand and heard it was a beautiful place to live. Do you like living there?

Nick: It is very laid back, a small population, it's easy living compared to places like New York and London... but its a little boring, if I weren't studying here/had some money I'd probably have moved overseas again.. to somewhere bigger.

Me: What do you think about pretty much every fantasy film being filmed there? Do you see a lot of filming in your town?

Nick: Haha, most of it's filmed down in the South Island where the scenery is that typical "Lord of the Rings" mountains of snow and lakes etc... very beautiful, in Auckland where I'm from they've shot a few things... I worked on the set of Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe years ago... I was in charge of making sure sheep didn't cross into the paddock where filming was happening, ha.

Me: That's cool. Are you a fan of Flight of the Conchords?

Nick: Yeah, they're pretty funny, but its a little cringe for New Zealanders... I think it's funnier if you're not from New Zealand.

Me: Do you say "Hil yes" often?

Nick: Haha, we don't have an accent, it's everyone else who has the funny accents.

Me: Eveyone has an accent... unless you're a mute. Do you ever make it over to America to play? Ever been in Florida?

Nick: We've toured America a lot, but never played in Florida, I dunno why that is. I once went there as a kid with my family, I was five years old and all I remember is going to the Everglades and traveling on a hover boat feeding alligators marshmallows.

Me: What is a typical Cut Off Your Hands show like, Nicholas?

Nick: We used to be pretty crazy, jumping into the crowd and just getting amongst it in general, limbing on shit etc... now it's more just playing the songs, and I think its gotten louder, hopefully it's intense... I wanna sound like the band The Church live.

Me: I have to say I watched your video for the song for "Fooling No One" and what a complex video it is. Who came up with the concept?

Nick: Our friend made the video with four other directors, the idea was that we wanted it to be nonsensical, just about a whole bunch of things happening at once, and not too serious... the lyrics are about me having a laugh at myself for taking myself so seriously, so I wanted the video to be fun to watch. The five directors each wrote a series of vignette treatments, and none of them could know what the others were shooting until the edit... so that's why it is a bunch of disparate scenes woven together all mixed matched.

Me: There's like a thousand different shots in it, and lots of special effects. How long did it take to make? It looked like it was a lot of fun making it.

Nicholas: They made it real quick. I think we gave them two weeks to make it... it helped that we didn't do any performance as in band playing live stuff. That stuff is so boring as a band and I didn't want to do it so just had me singing in front of a mirror and on the ground and that took like an hour and was all the involvement I had with the filming process. I received the final edit and said "it's good."

Me: I also noticed you kids have your own Blogspot. Is that your main website? How long have you had it up, guys? Mine's been up for ten years.

Nicholas: I've been doing that for a couple years... since 2008, but we don't do much on it, I used to do more but more people visit sites like our Facebook page so it's not so encouraging putting effort into something which only a handful of people will ever see. I like it for posting up demos and mp3s that people can have for free, etc.

Me: Nicholas, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I wish you lots of luck and continued success. Go ahead and plug your website and everything. Take care, and please come back on here again.

Nicholas: Our website is cutoffyourhands.com but you should visit cutoffyourhandsblog.blogspot.com more often... make me feel like people are actually out there... somewhere.

Me: Good job, take care.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Nicholas for a great interview. The Phile will be back in two weeks on September 4th with jazz singer Claire Dickson. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Brian Watson

Hey kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? Well, if 2016 has taught us anything, it's that you can get away with pretty much anything if you flap your arms in water good. There's always drama at the Olympics, but usually it's during the events. The biggest news coming out of this year's Games is happening after the athletes involved have already finished competing. American swimmers Ryan Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, James Feigen, and Jack Conger found themselves in hot water after lying about getting robbed in Rio. #LochteGate has it all: mystery, international intrigue, hunks, and pee. Lots of pee. Fot those that didnt follow the story, let me explain. Okay, so here's how it all started: On Sunday, four U.S. Olympic swimmers, Ryan Lochte, Jimmy Feigen, Jack Conger, and Gunnar Bentz, said they were pulled from a taxi in Rio and robbed at gunpoint by men pretending to be Brazilian police. Lochte told Billy Bush one of the robbers held a loaded gun right to his head and demanded money. He wouldn't lie to Billy Bush, right? Right? Yep, that son of a "b" lied to sweet trusting little Billy Bush. On August 18th, ABC broke the news that Lochte's whole dramatic tale was made up. He and his buddies were actually drunk, destroying property, and fighting with security at a gas station. Now this starts getting good. According to the owner of the Barra da Tijuca gas station, Lochte, Bentz, Feigen, and Conger took a sweet whiz all over his station's walls. Besides destroying property, he said the group of rowdy swimmers were asked to use the bathroom at the gas station, but instead drained their main veins on the wall. "We even have images of one of the athlete's butts, as he is pulling up his pants," the owner said. The only CCTV video that has been released so far is by ABC News, and it definitely shows the swimmers at the gas station. Lochte made it back to the U.S. on Wednesday, but pals Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz were pulled off of their flight from Rio de Janeiro and had their passports seized, officially turning this shit-storm into a diplomatic matter. The U.S. committee told CNN that Brazilian authorities had removed the swimmers from the plane Wednesday night for questioning about the so-called "robbery." Not surprisingly, the Pee-Boyz got themselves some legal council. Jeff Ostrow, an attorney for Lochte, made a statement saying the four swimmers' accounts "are 95 percent consistent." United States Olympic Committee spokesman Patrick Sandusky said Lochte and his teammates "are cooperating with authorities and in the process of scheduling a time and place to provide further statements to the Brazilian authorities.""All are represented by counsel and being appropriately supported by the USOC and the U.S. Consulate in Rio," he added. Stay tuned as this story continues to develop.
Meanwhile, in Egypt, the government directly hires reporters and controls the news. This week, they kicked eight female reporters off TV because they're "too fat." As reported by the BBC, the broadcasters were given one month to lose weight and achieve an "appropriate appearance." Obviously TV presenters all over the world are hired based on their appearance, but damn, what do the male anchors in Egypt look like? You're probably thinking there's a bunch of men smoking cigars in the boardroom and throwing around words like "cankles." But surprisingly, the decision was actually approved by a woman named Safaa Hegazy, who is a former state TV anchor herself and the current director of the Egyptian Radio and Television Union (ERTU). Clearly, she drank the sugar-free Kool-Aid. Apparently, the women have been given one month to slim down before they can appear on air again, which seems more like an insult than a serious effort to get these women to lose weight. Are they asking them to crash diet or just spend a month thinking about how fat they are? Critics cite that not only does this move goes against their constitution, it contributes to the commodification of women and, even worse, is "a form of violence against women."Despite being given the month off with pay, the broadcasters are justifiably pissed. Beyond being reduced to their body size, they've been humiliatingly singled out by name. One broadcaster, Khadija Khattab, asked viewers to watch her most recent appearance presenting news on Egypt's Channel 2 to decide for themselves if she is really "fat." Brave, brave soul.
On August 18th, the anarchist art collective INDECLINE put naked, testicle-free statues of presidential candidate Donald J. Trump in public spaces around New York City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Cleveland, and Seattle. The fun part about the project, titled "The Emperor Has No Balls," was that the artist portrayed Trump with a really tiny ding-dong, a hypothesis which has been speculated by Sen. Marco Rubio.The New York statue, placed in the East Village's Union Square, was up for two hours before being painstakingly removed by the city's Parks Department—the statue had been glued in place. But after the statue was removed, the Parks Department still got in one last dig in at Trump with this subtle press release, presented here in its entirety...

De Blasio's New York!
Here's something nice that the Internet did! Strangers online came through for Cami, a little girl with autism who needed a replica of her favorite shirt. Cami is fixated on her pink flower shirt. She loves it so much that she wore it out, so her mom enlisted the help of the Internet to find another one. On August 7th, Deborah Grimshaw Skouson took to Facebook to see if anyone had an extra of that particular shirt... in any size... to add to her daughter's collection. "She got her first one in kindergarten five years ago, and we have found four more since then, mostly on eBay. Her current one is almost unwearable, and eBay has gone dry,” Skouson wrote. "This is where you come in. We need another ‘pink flower shirt.’" The post has since gone viral. Over 4,000 people have shared it, and within a week, Cami received 78 (78!!!) replacement shirts. People have been putting in a lot of effort to help the family. "Fox 2" reported that a few friendly people even went so far as to contact Target (where the shirt was first purchased) on behalf of the family. “Cami adores this shirt, and it brings her a lot of comfort and security, which is sometimes hard for her to come by in her chaotic little world,” her mom shared. “I am so grateful for the kindness that my daughter has been shown,” she said. “People are inherently good and kind, and I’m glad I’ve been able to be a recipient of that kindness.”
I have to talk about a good Olympic story... Danell Leyva wasn't even supposed to compete on the U.S. men's gymnastics team in Rio, but he's walking away with two silver medals. Leyva was originally listed as an alternate when the Olympic team was announced in late June. Unfortunately, John Orozco, a gymnast who had earned one of the five spots on the team, suffered an injury to his left knee in July and could no longer compete in Rio. Leyva was called upon to take his place. Leyva definitely made the most of his second chance. At Tuesday's event finals, he won silver medals in both the parallel bars and the high bar. Pretty awesome for someone who, up until a month ago, didn't even think he'd be competing. Leyva told NBC, "Things didn't happen the way I expected, and it was unfortunate the way I was named onto this team. But that's what this medal is for... to show that I deserved to be on that team just as much as John did. And this is for him just as much as it's for me." Congrats, Danell!
So, I was watching CNN the other day and I saws story I was kinda surprised about...

Ha! So, are you fans of Indiana Jones? It turns out that the character was actually created by Norman Rockwell... and I have proof.

So, I am a big Star Wars fan as you know, and Artoo is my favorite character. So, when I saw the trailer for Rogue One I was very happy to see Artoo was in it.

I wonder what planet that is. Alrivht, it's summer and I have been showing you bikini pics with something not so sex in the background. Here's another...

Click here to remove tag, for the love of God. So, I love kid's drawings, especially when they look no so innocent. Like this one...

"Better not be the cheap stuff." So, are you kid's playing that "Pokémon Go" game still? I am. Go, Team Instinct! Anyway, some people are not only playing but they are cashing in on the game, while others are sick of it. Like this manager of this Dairy Queen, who is just tired of your shit.

So, there's one thing you might not know about me and that is I don't like breaking rules. Unlike this guy...

Hahaha. That's Roger Earl, Phile Alum and Foghat drummer. Good job, Rog. By the way, Foghat's new CD "Under the Influence" is available on iTunes, Amazon and stores now. By the way, I knew there was something up with Lochte when I saw him reach for the wall in the pool.

And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Reasons Why Trump Won't Release His Taxes
5. His longtime accountant, Muhammad Sanchez, is an illegal-Mexican Muslim.
4. In 2005, he tried to write Melania off as a business expense.
3. There's the matter of his 2013 payment of $10,000,000 to a "Pladimir Vutin."
2. Since 1976, he's listed his occupation as "Money-Grubbing Con Man."
And the number one reason Trump won't release his taxes is...
1. If he does, he'll be expected as a devious, hypocritical, tax-dodging scum sack.

And now for some sad news...

John McLaughlin 
March 29th, 1927 — August 16th, 2016 
He made a living by yelling at people and being a know-it-all on TV for 34 years. An American hero, when you think about it. 

Fyvush Finkel 
October 9th, 1922 — August 14th, 2016
His name in yiddish was "פֿײַוויש פֿינקעל," which loosely translated means "Rat Face."

Glenn Yarbrough 
January 12th, 1930 — August 11th, 2016
From limelighter to no-lighter.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know.

Today's guest is the author of "Annals of Pornographie: How Porn Became Bad," the 51st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club which is available on Amazon. Please welcome to the Phile... Brian Watson.

Me: Hello, Brian, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Brian: Great, Jason, thank you for having me!

Me: Okay, so, I have to admit, I first heard of you and heard about your book "Annals of Pornographie: How Porn Became Bad" was when you were on "Conan." How was that experience, Brian?

Brian: The experience from start to finish was fantastic. The "Conan" team was nothing but professional and they made it easy and fun and I had a fantastic time. Conan is amazingly tall in person but really kind and genuine.

Me: I have a cool screenshot of you on Conan I have to share...

Me: Larry King was not impressed by you, was he? It seemed he didn't really like porn at all.

Brian: I'm not sure to what extent it was for the camera and to what extent it came off, but he was funny in person and it was interesting getting to talk to him. It was a really valid question and I wish I had had a wittier response!

Me: Anyway, did they approach you or did you approach them to be on "Conan"? Being on the Phile is better, right? Hahaha.

Brian: They approached me after my AMA reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/4b2xdt/hi_reddit_my_name_is_brian_watson_and_i_am/ and I did a pitch video for them. Being on the Phile is just as good.

Me: So, I have to ask, do you think porn is really bad?

Brian: I don't really have an opinion on it one way or the other... but I am really very interested in how people deal with it and how they give it good or bad characterizations and that's really fascinating to me.

Me: Brian, where are you originally from?

Brian: I grew up in New Hampshire and I'm living back there now!

Me: You're a historian, right? What is your specialty?

Brian: I study history of the book, which focuses on how the book and the novel originated, developed and changed. 

Me: And you are a professor at New England College? What do you teach?

Brian: For the last year I've been teaching American Democracy, which is completely separate from anything I actually research but I enjoy it greatly.

Me: So, what do your co-workers and students think about the book?

Brian: Most of them find it funny! And some are interested, and some find it weird. It's a normal set of reactions.

Me: Fuck, what do your family think about the book?

Brian: My mom says it took her awhile to understand it, but as long as I'm happy she is... she also said she needs to stop googling terms I use. My dad said he's happy to help me with my research anytime! They were both in the audience at "Conan."

Me: That's cool. So, what and when did you get the idea to write this book, sir?

Brian: My MA advisor told me I needed to do something unique and interesting for my master's thesis. So I was always into censorship and why certain things got censored, but religious and political censorship have been written about forever. Sex censorship studies are relatively new and I found it interesting.

Me: How much research did you do and how long did it take to write it?

Brian: The book is an expanded form of my master's thesis. I would say all together it took about a year and a half of research and a 8 months of writing. 

Me: Have you been into porn your whole life?

Brian: I'm actually not all that much into porn! It's alright, but my real interest lies in the history and how people have dealt with those sorts of things.

Me: My first foray into porn was when my dad used to let me read the "Playboy" magazines he had in his home studio. Did you read "Playboy" growing up?

Brian: "Playboy" was actually a bit before my time... by the time I was old enough to be interested in porn and sexuality as a teenager, everything had begun to migrate to the Internet, and that was my experience with sexuality and pornography.

Me: I'm sooo old. Haha. I think the last copy of "Playboy" I ever bought was the Debbie Gibson one. Anyway, this year "Playboy" changed its whole format... what do you think of that? No boobies anymore!

Brian: I've read a great deal of "Playboy" articles... I love long form journalism... so I'm interested and hopeful to see where it goes. I find it really interesting that they're using this reputation is a completely different way to draw people to an intellectual and sort of high-brow ideas and interviews primarily. It's really similar to what Vice media is doing.

Me: If someone would of told me years ago that one day I'll have "porn in my pocket"... like on my iPhone I wouldn't believe it. Porn is free and so easy to get to now. It's not taboo like it used to be. Do you think that hurts the industry or helps it, Brian?

Brian: It definitely hurts the industry as a whole. You should look into the #payforyourporn movement, as DVD and site payments have crashed and burned it's been very hard for the industry to survive and thrive. There is still good money in it, especially in niche or fetish websites, but it is much more complicated than it used to be. On the flip side it's much easier for individual stars to start their own fan base and to get direct payment and attention from fans. It's definitely a mixed bag.

Me: What do you think of sites like Pornhub? It think it's fantastic! Haha.

Brian: It's a great site if you don't start digging too deep. MindGeek/ManWin is the owner of Pornhub, not to mention an overwhelming proportion of other sites. This means that tube-site pornography is essentially a monopoly controlled by one company and it is concerning for companies as well as people involved. More here: slate.com/articles/technology/technology/2014/10/mindgeek_porn_monopoly_its_dominance_is_a_cautionary_tale_for_other_industries.html.

Me: With the smart phones and apps like Snapchat and technology like Facebook Live anybody can make porn movies now. Do you think a lot of people are doing that?

Brian: I actually have no idea! I bet they probably are though.

Me: Your book is like history of porn, Brian. What is the earliest forms of it? Do you know?

Brian: Well, "porn" as we understand it has a relatively limited history of only about a century and a half. It refers to a type of erotic work or literature that was supposed to be hidden from the lower classes, women and children. You can of course trace "erotic depictions" all the way back to the earliest cafe drawings and sculptures, but that isn't porn. The earliest porn is likely John Cleland's "Fanny Hill" or "Justine" by Marquis de Sade.

Me: What kinda of porn are you into?

Brian: I plead the fifth!

Me: Smart man. Do you think porn will be around forever?

Brian: So long as we're human, undoubtedly.

Me: Okay, so, I have to ask, what's the difference between smut and porn?

Brian: A lot would depend on how you are using those terms. But perhaps you mean the difference between hard and soft core or titillating or sexy and the difference between those two things is really.

Me: America is so much more conservative about nudity and sex on a whole than Europe is. I'm from England and they don't blur out breasts on TV like they do over here. Is there another country more liberal than Europe is?

Brian: It's strange, and I agree with you. America is very liberal about blood, violence and gore whereas those things are more taboo in Europe. Of the European countries, France is probably the most liberal sexually and England the most conservative, believe it or not. However, outside of Europe and American I actually don't know what is the most liberal country.

Me: Okay, so, the book is self published, am I right? Did you shop it around and no one wanted a part of it?

Brian: I'm still shopping it around, I just decided to self-publish to get attention because a lot of agents cant or don't want to deal with the material because it is sexual.

Me: I have to ask where the name came from... it's a pun, isn't it? Very clever, Brian.

Brian: Indeed.

Me: So, will you be writing any other books?

Brian: I have a few ideas for follow-ups, but I'm focusing on some shorter-term pieces for now. Keep up to date on me at @historyofporn on Twitter.

Me: Okay, so, I have to ask... video or still pictures for research? What do you prefer?

Brian: For research purposes, it's much easier to research an older photo, and a more modern video. Otherwise, it gets more complicated and the rights around them get more obscure.

Me: Brian, I have a million other questions for you but I don't wanna take to much of your time. Tell the readers where they can get your book. I mentioned Amazon, I hope that's right. Haha.

Brian: You can get me on Amazon here: amazon.com/Annals-Pornographie-How-Porn-Became-ebook/dp/B01CMU51V8 on Nook here: barnesandnoble.com/w/annals-of-pornographie-brian-watson/1123493577?type=eBook.

Me: Okay, please come back on the Phile again. Will you?

Brian: Of course! Thanks for having me!

Me: Thanks for coming here. I hope this was fun. Continued success, Brian. All the best.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Brian for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Nicholas Johnston, the lead singer for the New Zealand band Cut Off Your Hands. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing DEIDRE from Deidre & the Dark

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Let's start with a story about a foul-mouthed judge, shall we? Her Honour Judge Patricia Lynch QC, a judge previously made famous for telling a flasher "no one wants to see your penis," is at it again. This time, she called a racist idiot "a bit of a cunt." The defendant, 50-year-old John Hennigan, was in Chelmsford crown court for his 9th breach of anti-social behavior for using racist language against a black woman and her two children. After Lynch gave him 18 months, he called her honor "a bit of a cunt." Judge Lynch replied, “You are a bit of a cunt yourself.” He then told her to “go fuck yourself,” so Lynch replied, “you too.” Can judges do that? British people can send their racists to jail?
Caroline Malatesta and her husband J.T. were just awarded $16 million in a lawsuit filed in 2014 against Birmingham, AL's Brookwood Baptist Medical Center. The couple say the hospital staff interfered with their natural childbirth plan when one of the nurses tried to push the crowning baby back into Malatesta's vagina. Pretty much the exact opposite of "natural." The Malatestas chose Brookwood for the birth of their fourth child because the facility claimed that it promoted natural childbirth, promising birth tubs and wireless fetal monitoring. But when the time came, Malatesta's doctor was nowhere to be found. Instead, nurses forced her onto her back while one tried to keep the baby from being born until the doctor arrived by literally pushing it back inside her. COME ON NOW. As a result, Malatesta suffers from a painful condition called pudendal neuralgia. She claims the hospital never gave her a satisfactory explanation for the whole ordeal. ​She told AL.com, "I had tried everything within my power to understand what happened from Brookwood's perspective and get answers. Unfortunately I felt like I didn't get any real answers. And they eventually just shut me out. That was when I realized the only option was litigation."
On Wednesday, a man in Rogue River, Oregon, opened a porta potty in a public park and discovered a monster stash of marijuana plants. There's lots of sticky and icky things you can find in a porta potty, but this was the biggest stash of sticky-icky that the Rogue River police have ever seen. Oregon is one of four states where recreational marijuana is legal, and legal adults are permitted to grow their own plants. The police think the plants may have been ripped out by a disgruntled neighbor, or someone that's not fond of its new legality in Oregon. The plants did not have any buds, so they could not be used to smoke. Instead, they got shredded. If a disgruntled person put this in a porty potty near a park to alarm the neighborhood, it failed. Because the Rogue River police seem to think it's pretty funny: they referred to the case on Facebook as "The Fresh Connection."
If you're a new mom, you might be wondering if there's a fashionable way to preserve the precious memories of breastfeeding your tiny newborn baby. Well, now you can turn your breast milk into fun, wearable accessories. No, I'm not kidding. Ann Marie Sharoupium, an entrepreneur from New Jersey, has started a company Mamma's Liquid Love. Women can send Ann Marie some of their actual breast milk, and she'll use it to create jewelry they can wear. This is taking personalized jewelry to a whole new level. While the jewelry is lovely, it's understandable that some people might not be so keen on the idea of wearing their own "liquid." But for those who want to remember their nursing days with something more tangible than a photo, wearing a pendant full of your own breast milk around your neck is certainly one way to go.
Trigger Warning: Experts predict a major shortage in champagne is on the horizon. I hope you didn't break anything in the process of receiving this news. Before you start hyperventilating, here's why: A late season frost caused a 70 percent loss of crop for some growers. And hail storms late in the season hurt some growers, followed by mildew. They must be prepared, you responded to the bad news? Yes and no. Many suppliers have a reserve for situations like this, but it'll impact quantifies to protect against future unforeseen setbacks. It's so bad that experts say this is the worst it's been since the 1980s, and this season is the toughest it's been for crop growers since 1956. So much for those champagne baths. Maybe switch to Miller High Life. Some people call it the champagne of beers. I like it myself.
So, are you kids watching the Olympics? I saw the Iranian team and they look a little different from the Iranian team in 1966. At least the women do. Here's the two teams in the two different years... '66 and this year, and see if you can see what I'm getting at.

And this is this years...

'Nuff said. Another big change in the Olympics are this...  Joseph met Michael Phelps in the 2008 Olympics.

Then this year Joseph beat Phelps at the Olympics. Ha!

That's him. So, if you wanna sell your house, go to this realtor...

Speaking of Trump...

Hahaha. So, I love kid's drawings, especially when the drawings don't come across so innocently.

They're not boobs, it's a Minions shirt. And Minions look like boobs. So, are you kids playing "Pokémon Go"? I have been showing you that doe people are not just playing, they are cashing in on the game. Like this pastor who promises healing potions AND eternal life.

So, it's summer and all through summer I have been showing you pics of girls in bikini's with something not quite as sexy in the background. Like this...

Innuendo was also tagged in this photo. So, my son and I were talking how we used to watch "Sesame Street" back when he was little and how the show is probably not the way we remember it. Man, I could never figure out how to set up this pheature. Haha. Anyway, here's...

While kissing Kami, Whoopi bites both of their lips and infects Kami with HIV-filled blood, then whispers into her ear, "Enjoy the legacy of my race."

If you can spot the Mindphuck let me know. And now for...

Ronald Reagan... the blessed angel of the Republican party, the mention of whose name fills the GOP with joy and pride and patriotism... supported gun control. Because he was shot. By an attempted assassin. His daughter, Patti Davis, has published an open letter to Donald Trump, her father's party's nominee, addressing his insinuation that "Second Amendment people" could stop Hillary Clinton. Her father having been shot by a "Second Amendment person," the Jodie Foster-obsessed John Hinckley Jr., Davis had something to say to Trump about the power of words. Addressed directly at Donald Trump, she writes, "I am the daughter of a man who was shot by someone who got his inspiration from a movie, someone who believed if he killed the President the actress from that movie would notice him." While the Trump campaign insisted that the "Second Amendment people" comment referred to "the power of unification" rather than the power of firearms, Davis pointed out that these words were heard by people capable of all sorts of interpretations. "It was heard by the person sitting alone in a room, locked in his own dark fantasies, who sees unbridled violence as a way to make his mark in the world, and is just looking for ideas. Yes, Mr. Trump, words matter," she writes. The Gipper would not want him to win this one.

The 51st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

I said yesterday that Brian will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks but he'll actually will be the guest on the Phile next Sunday.

Today's guest is the lead singer in the band DEIDRE & the Dark whose new single "Boss Lady" and her EP "Curious Parcel" are available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... DEIDRE.

Me: Hello, DEIDRE, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

DEIDRE: I am just fine, thank you.

Me: Did I get it right, your name is spelt with all caps?

DEIDRE: For now, yes.

Me: Not only are you a solo artist, you are also in three bands, right? Savior Adore and French Horn Rebellion... two of those bands have some kinda French in the names, are you from France?

DEIDRE: I am sadly not from France, but I do enjoy most things French. And, for some reason, quite a few people have told me I look French.

Me: You do, I have to admit. Where do you live now, DEIDRE?

DEIDRE: I live in Brooklyn.

Me: So, what do you like best, being in the bands or being a solo artist?

DEIDRE: It's a very difficult question to answer because I feel that I am always a solo artist, and that helps my contributions to other projects. By focusing and defining your individuality... your likes, dislikes, tendencies, etc... you can consciously bring an interesting perspective to collaborations. And collaborations are what push you to do new things. Even this "solo" project is a collaboration... my husband David Perlick-Molinari (from French Horn Rebellion) co-wrote a few of the songs, as well as produced the whole EP with me. So... it is a very difficult question that I can't answer.

Me: I downloaded from iTunes Savior Adore's music and your new EP "Curious Parcel" and your new single "Boss Lady" How do you compare them all?

DEIDRE: They are like two pretty different recipes made from similar ingredients. One is a steak, and the other is a bacon cheeseburger. Some people will think both are yummy, some people will prefer one over the other, and some people are so hungry they just don't care.

Me: Your music sound is very retro. Are you a fan of music from the 60s?

DEIDRE: Oh, can you tell? Sorry... that wasn't intended to sound snarky. But yes... one of my favorite eras. It crept through a lot in this collection of songs. I love recordings by the Zombies, France Gall, Tom Jones, the Beach Boys, Joe Meek... I could go on.

Me: What do you think of singers like Adele, Duffy and even the late Amy Winehouse who has that throw back style?

DEIDRE: I'm ecstatic that the style still resonates within popular culture... But I always crave more experimenting and playing with it. Beck is an artist that I think has done some amazing things throughout his career with acknowledging the past but blatantly keeping it in the present.

Me: Who is in Savior Adore with you and do they play on your solo EP?

DEIDRE: Paul Hammer is the other half of Savoir Adore, and he plays drums on a few of the EP tracks, as well as plays bass with me live. Tim McCoy is Savoir Adore's drummer, and he drums with me live. Gary Atturio is Savoir Adore's bass player, and he has done live sound for me. Family sticks together!

Me: There's a story behind the EP's title, right? Can you share it with the readers of the Phile?

DEIDRE: Absolutely. In August of 2010, I found a package on my doorstep, severely weathered, and covered in forwarded addresses ranging from New Orleans to Berlin, dated from 1905 to 1966. The National Security Agency deemed the package a "curious parcel" and has urged me to voluntarily hand over the object to them for investigation. But in an act almost as mysterious as the parcel itself, I decided to take the secrets within it and share them with the world. Curating and hosting conceptual parties at Brooklyn's Zebulon, I began to harness her storytelling skills, finding a way to share the mysteries I learned. Myself and producer David Perlick-Molinari have captured that energy on this collection of recordings, with much more on the way. A limited edition of "Curious Parcel" has been pressed whereI will share my findings.

Me: It would make a good play or film, DEIDRE. Did you think about that ever? Or did I just give you the greatest idea ever?

DEIDRE: Absolutely! A big part of my goal with this project is to nudge boundaries associated with bands and musicians. Some of the events we've curated have been quite theatrical, walking a thin tightrope between rock show and musical theater, with gusts of audience participation. I'm definitely into expanding the idea to other mediums!

Me: I have you that video for "Classic Girl" was very good. Did you come up with the idea with all the dancing yourself, DEIDRE?

DEIDRE: Yes, I choreographed it with the help of my friends. I created the Ladies' Recreational Dance Auxiliary as another way to incorporate more varied elements to our performances... choreographed dance never really fails to surprise people.

Me: And I love the video for "Boss Lady." So many DEIDRE's. Haha.

DEIDRE: Thank you. Some of the biggest challenges we will ever face are the internal battles within our own mind.

Me: So, what's next for you? A full length album I hope or new Savior Adore album? Whatever you come out with, can you come back on the Phile? Please!

DEIDRE: Let's see... what's next... Well, David & I are continuing to work on recordings, and we will probably do another EP before a full-length. Our goal is to continue putting new music out into the ether, and building the events we curate, so that when we are ready to release a full-length, people will actually want it! The "Boss Lady" EP is now available to pre-order on iTunes featuring a bunch of great remixes. On the Savoir Adore front, we are finishing a new album this fall, hopefully to be released early next year. And of course I'll come back!!

Me: Thanks for being here, you are cute and very talented, DEIDRE. Go ahead and plug your website and anything else you want. And come to Orlando to play. All the best, and I hope this was fun.

DEIDRE: Thank YOU! This was a comprehensive interview. Sign up for the mailing list on deidremusic.com to get new music as we put it out, and to find out about our special events we are always planning.

That about does to for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to DEIDRE for a great interview. The Phile will be back next Sunday with author Brian Watson. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let alligators and snakes bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker