Friday, October 31, 2008

Existence Is Futile

Are you ready? Are you ready for the new and improved Peverett Phile, now at blogger.com? I am. I think I am. So, where were we? The pholks at AOL were kind enough to send over all my past entries which was a big surprise. The blog might look different, but it has the same shitty content. John McCain has decided to center his campaign around Joe the plumber. Why they would do this for a campaign that’s already down the toilet I don’t know. McCain is trailing in every major poll. The McCain campaign is focusing on a strategy that involves three major parts: Strengthen support in states that Bush won in 2004. Flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. Pray for an earthquake that dumps California into the Pacific Ocean. Sarah Palin said in Washington D.C. that the election is in God’s hands now. Isn’t that what you say to a prisoner who’s about to be executed? According to a new poll, if the vote were held today, more Americans would vote for Back Obama than John McCain. The poll also shows that if the election were held today, everyone would be thrilled it was over. Political experts say that the only way John McCain can win next week is if John McCain can attract swing voters. Unfortunately, John McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller. Joe the plumber back in the news. Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets. Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. John McCain said this would be dangerous; Dick Cheney said it would be expensive; and Sarah Palin said, “There are three branches of government?” CNN reported that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran. Barack Obama is encouraging his supporters to take Election Day off so they can help him get out the vote. A lot of Americans said they were already planning to take the day off, because they don’t have a job. Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama last night. At one point he said, “This man should be our president.” He hasn’t said that since he campaigned with Hillary. Barack Obama’s show was on the night. It wasn’t really a show . . . I forget what they called it . . .“30 Barack” or something. Or was it “Extreme Makeover: White House Edition”? Obama’s special was really just an infomercial. I expected them to say, “We can make this a better country — for three easy payments of $19.95.”

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST
From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is the second top ten list this week.
Top Ten Things That Went Through Cole Hamels' Mind After Winning The World Series
10. Maybe I'll get to be on "Dancing With The Stars"
9. Can I wear my cup in the off-season?
8. The Rays collapsed faster than my 401(K)
7. How cool a name is Cole Hamels?
6. This must be how the Yankees used to feel
5. Is the Phillie Phanatic hitting on my wife?
4. Seriously, how cool a name is Cole Hamels?
3. How can I celebrate when the nation's economic output is the weakest it's been since the third quarter of 2001?
2. I hope John McCain will start calling me "Cole the pitcher"
And the number one thing that went through Cole Hamel's mind after winning the World Series?
1. Now maybe I'll get to appear on Leno


OCTOBER 31ST IN HISTORY

31
All Hallows Eve. What once served as a spooky New Years Eve tradition for the ancient Celts (which they called Samhain) was ultimately appropriated by Pope Gregory IV in 840 AD to serve as the daylong vigil preceding the Feast of All Saints. Even so, the Christians preserved the pagan festival's spooky trappings anyway. Cunning bastards.
1926
Houdini dies in room 401 of Grace Hospital in Detroit. The escape artist was killed by diffuse peritonitis, after having undergone an emergency appendectomy. Contrary to popular belief, the fatal appendicitis could not have been caused by a punch to the stomach.
1966
The Acid Test Graduation! Ken Kesey hosts, among others. "The question is no longer CAN you pass the Acid Test, but DID you pass the Acid Test."
1993
Actor River Phoenix dies of a drug overdose on the sidewalk in front of the Viper Room in West Hollywood. Rumor has it that the lovely and intelligent Christina Applegate "stood there and watched."
1997
A Halloween "Hell House" opens in Vacaville, California for the benefit of local youths. Tableaus inside the house include a gay man dead from AIDS, a teenaged "Grunge" suicide resplendent with empty beer bottles, and a bloody mock abortion. The exhibits are operated by the Bible thumpers at Harvest Church.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

Authorities say an man driving through a toll plaza exposed himself to a toll worker on two separate occasions. Seminole County deputies said a 39-year-old man was arrested at his home Tuesday morning. A woman working at the Lake Jesup toll plaza on State Road 417 called the sheriff's office last week to report that a motorist had not been wearing pants when she went to hand him his change. She told deputies the same thing had happened about a week earlier. The man was charged with two counts of exposure of sexual organs and was later released on $5,000 bail.

                     CANNED LAUGHTER

Knock Knock. Who’s There? I don’t know. You make up the joke.

DOCTOR WHO

Straight from the BBC: the first two minutes of the "Doctor Who" Christmas special titled "The Next Doctor" will be shown on the BBC Children In Need special on November 14. Obviously, this goes against the myriad of rumors about the Children In Need special, including the appearance of the seven surviving actors to play to role. Yeah, I didn't buy that one either. Not much is known about the Christmas special at this point. It takes place in Victorian England and the Cybermen are the villains. Russell T. Davies has said in interviews that the Doctor meets a future incarnation of himself (played by David Morrissey). Frankly, I don't buy it. Why would the creative team want to pigeonhole themselves like that when they probably have no idea at this point who the next Doctor will be? Sadly, I won't be able to watch the clip live as it will only be broadcast in England. If I'm willing to wait a day, there is always YouTube.


GEEK TALK

Okay, so the truth is a bit less exciting than the headline might suggest, since David Lindsay-Abaire, who is signing on to write the screenplay for Spider-Man 4, also wrote Inkheart and had a hand in the awful, low-rent Robots. So we're not exactly getting John Updike, here. Still, Lindsay-Abaire did win a real, honest-to-goodness pulitzer for his 2007 Broadway play Rabbit Hole, which he's also currently adapting for the screen. (He got a Tony, too.) This means they'll be scrapping a previous draft by Zodiac's James Vanderbilt -- or whatever he had managed to write, since just a short while ago Sam Raimi was claiming that he still didn't have a script. Of course, we have no idea what the plot is, though it hasn't stopped me from speculating. Will it be Lizard? Maybe it'll be Lizard. Anyway, Raimi is excitedly returning, as we know, and Tobey Maguire has signed on too. The Hollywood Reporter story insists that Kirsten Dunst is "expected to return" as well. My stance on all of this is pretty clear-cut: I love this character and Raimi's take on him, think the third film was criminally underappreciated, and want more, as soon as possible. And I'm glad that they've brought on a serious, thoughtful writer, Robots or no Robots. This franchise deserves it.


Well, that's it for the new, latest entry of the Phile. I have a lot of learning curves to deal with with the new blog format so bare with me. The next entry will be updated on Phriday the 7th. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Peace.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

I Didn't Come Here To Impress None Of You

Are you ready? Are you ready for the last Peverett Phile at AOL? The Phile will continue but at another blog site run by Google. So, tonight Boys II Men played at Epcot. It was more like Boys II Old Men. I didn't see them, but I heard they were good, sounding like they did on record. They sounded like four black men singing in harmony. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said Sarah Palin is not ready to be president. And he’s a Republican! He’s like their super-killer robot! He did say he was still feeling her out . . . this is Arnold we’re talking about. He needs to feel her out or she’s not getting the endorsement. The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, said that the financial crisis is a one-in-a-century occurrence. McCain said, “He’s right — and I’ve been through three of them.” Barack Obama leads John McCain in just about every poll. But McCain’s doing pretty darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago. John McCain went on the offensive and said that Barack Obama will do and say anything to win the election. Obama countered that later by showing a photograph of Sarah Palin and saying, “Really? I’m the one who’ll say and do anything!?” Obama is even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners supported Obama over McCain by nearly 4-1. It was an amazing poll: 30 percent supported Obama; 8 percent supported McCain; and the rest supported David Hasselhoff. On CBS News, Katie Couric asked both presidential candidates the last time they cried. Obama said the last time he cried was at his daughter’s birthday; McCain said the last time he cried was when he saw the latest poll numbers. This week in People magazine, Sarah Palin talked about her plans for her daughter’s wedding. She said it’s very difficult to find a dress that doesn’t clash with the shotgun. Ted Stevens, the 84-year-old Alaska senator, was convicted on corruption charges. Alaska’s not just famous for hockey moms, they’ve got prison grandpas as well. The Anchorage Daily News, Alaska’s largest newspaper, endorsed Barack Obama. That’s another newspaper Sarah Palin will never read. Sen. Robert Byrd was in Charleston, W.Va., at a rally for Joe Biden. He got a little confused about which office Biden is running for when he introduced him as “the next president — Joe Biden!” Somebody slipped some gin in Grandpa’s cod liver oil. Over the weekend, Manuel Uribe, the world’s fattest man, got married in Mexico. He had to be transported to the wedding on a flatbed truck. It looked like the Mexican version of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. NBA season opened the other night. The excitement is palpable. Especially in New York, where Knicks fans have been practicing their booing all month long. Not a great week for Cloris Leachman — she was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars”. It seems that America can’t wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen. Barack Obama hit back at the charges that he’s a socialist by joking that since he shared his toys as a child, he must be a communist. To which John McCain responded, “You had toys as child? I had to play with dinosaurs.” There is more political fallout today. Apparently, because of arguments over their political stances, “The View’s” Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar are no longer speaking. Two down, three to go. It was infomercial night in America last night. Three major television networks, CBS, NBC, and Fox, along with MSNBC, Univision, TV1, and BET, joined together to take Barack Obama’s money from him. In an effort to catch up to Obama, McCain is digging in as hard as he can. Sarah Palin too. On the heels of the success they’ve had with Joe the plumber, they’ve been bringing in other characters. Last week they had “Richard the forest.” On Monday, Sarah Palin introduced the best one yet: “Tito the builder.”

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

Yes, the Top Ten List will continue in the new blog, so don't worry. Anyway, from the home office in freezing Groveland, Florida... it is 55 degrees... here is this week's top ten list.
Top Ten Madonna Complaints About Guy Ritchie
10. Doesn't have the new husband smell anymore
9. He keeps asking her to join AARP so they can get discounts
8. Hates it when I call him "Guy-rod"
7. Was getting sick of Guy's fake American accent
6. Guy has had a headache for the past 18 months
5. Guy Ritchie? I thought he was Lionel Richie
4. He refused to wear a matching cone-shaped bra
3. "Guydonna" doesn't have the same ring as "Brangelina"
2. Britney Spears is a better kisser
And the number one Madonna complaint about Guy Ritchie?
1. Refused to let her "adopt" Alex Rodriguez

I WENT TO THE MOVIES

Last week I ran out of space so didn't review W., so here is the review now.
Hey, remember that ruinous president who's still in office? Yeah, well, here's a movie about his life and career from early Texas hellraiser to the brink of the Iraq War. Josh Brolin acquits himself well in the title role, managing to balance the delicate line between playing a character and doing an impression. The same can be said of Jeffrey Wright as Colin Powell and Richard Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney. Theirs are the only performances that stand out in a good way. Wright's performance hints at a better movie—the tragic breaking of a once noble military man. Pretty much the rest of it was bad. The tone is all over the place—at times you're asked to laugh at Bush and his cronies (which is its own issue—anyone ready to think Karl Rove is funny?), other times to take them seriously. The problem lies in the movie's complete lack of perspective. You can't begin to put Bush into context yet when the Iraq War is still raging without an end in site. Plus, not only does W. not tell us a single thing we didn't already know about the man, it glosses over major events. The movie makes it seem like Dubya just cruised into the Oval office and didn't claw his way to it in the single most controversial presidential election in U.S. history (The fact he technically "lost" isn't important? Kind of a big thing to overlook, Ollie). The rest is a mire of some piss-poor acting (Thandie Newton's Condoleezza Rice is just embarrassing) and a lame script (it's not dialogue, it's strung together keywords: Someone said "decider"! Someone said "axis of evil!" Someone said "shock and awe!") As bad as the state of the world is as W.'s end credits roll, just remind yourself that the movie ends before they even get to Hurricane Katrina. It's more chilling end note than Carrie's hand reaching out of the grave, and another reason why W. can't possibly hope to comment on Bush's legacy in the slightest. It's a rental for the curious, but, sadly, Stone has botched a chance to make a truly meaningful film. From 1 to 10, I give it a five.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

Billboard size images of aborted fetuses arenow showing on the streets of Fort Myers. The pictures are so graphic, people called police. "These are photographs of human embryos and early fetuses. We feel they deserve to know the truth," said spokesman, Paul Troiani. The truth he says is spelled out in pictures of aborted fetuses. Billboard sized images of hands, feet, legs, and a head are taped to two trucks, which drove through Fort Myers Thursday afternoon. "We're trying to reach a lot of people and these trucks on any given day can reach thousands of people," Troiani said. He is part of the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform, an Ohio based pro-life organization responsible for the trucks and images. Troiani says this is part of a nationwide campaign centered to raise awareness about abortion. "We're concerned this issue is being trivialized. These pictures tell a different story," he said. A story some people in Fort Myers say is offensive and not appropriate for children. "It's extremely disgusting. How could I ever explain that portrait? I have no idea what I would say to my kids. I hope they wouldn't even notice," said Robert Harris, of Fort Myers. But some kids did notice. One boy pointed and his mom suddenly pulled him in another direction. "I didn't even know that graphic of a picture can be shown," Harris said. "I really didn't like seeing it roll down Main street," said Ellen Minichiello. Somebody else didn't like it and called the cops. One of the trucks was pulled over. The officer says people are angry about the pictures, but no citations were issued. Trioani says this is freedom of speech and they're not violating any law. With that the trucks were allowed to roll on. "If people don't want to see these pictures, then the proper thing to do is stop this killing," Troiani said. The trucks will be in Port Charlotte on Friday. They'll make their way across the state next week. And if I see one I'll try to take a picture of it.

R.I.P.

Zima: I find it ironic that it dies at the same age as anyone who would actually drink that nasty shit.

OCTOBER 30TH IN HISTORY

1938
CBS radio announces that glistening, black-eyed Martians have landed at Grover's Mill, New Jersey. Luckily for the extraterrestrials, the news is announced during a Mercury Theatre program and later discounted as a work of fiction. Needless to say, the event causes widespread panic before the government manages to clamp a lid on it.
1944
Anne Frank deported from Auschwitz to the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. (If you're reading the diary, she dies in the end.)
1945
Natalis Fonzii Henry Winkler is born in New York City.
1961
Due to his "violations of Lenin's precepts," Soviet leaders decree that Josef Stalin's body be quietly removed from its place of honor inside Lenin's tomb. They bury the Man of Steel with a plain granite marker near the Kremlin wall.
1966
The Zodiac kills his first victim, 18-year-old Cheri Jo Bates, in the library parking lot of a community college in Riverside, California. Zodiac stabs her to death with a small knife, nearly decapitating Bates in the process.
2002
Jason William Mizell, aka Run-D.M.C.'s legendary DJ Jam Master Jay, is shot dead in the lounge of his Merrick Boulevard recording studio in Queens. The masked culprit, who gave Mizell a close-range .40-caliber gunshot wound behind the left ear, remains at large to this day.
2008
The Peverett Phile as we know it comes to and end.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A guy who's looking for his buddy walks into a barbershop and asks, "Bob Peters here?" "Sorry," replies the barber. "We just cut hair."

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me 13 margaritas." The bartender says, "Wow, that's quite an order. What's the occassion?" The man replies, "Well, I'm celebrating my first blow job." "That is something to celebrate. Tell you what, how about one more on the house?" The man replies, "No, thanks. If 13 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
 
A doctor has sex with one of his patients and feels extremely guilty about it. The next day he hears voices in his head. One says, "It's okay, a lot of doctors do it."
A second says, "You're sick fuck, you're a vet!"

A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, "I bet you can't tell me something that makes me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for a few minutes, then says, "Your dick is bigger than your brother's."



































Thursday, October 23, 2008

Baked With Pride

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile? The penultimate entry at AOL Journals. I checked out the new site and I think that the Phile will be a lot better. It can't be any worse. So, in less than three weeks, you will elect a new president — I am going to go out on a limb and predict that it will be either Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama. I of course cannot vote as I am an Resident Alien. Na-no na-no. Obama and McCain appeared together at the annual Al Smith dinner in New York City. It’s traditional for candidates to giver funny speeches. Obama and McCain were both funny. McCain said, “Even in this room full of proud Democrats, I can’t shake that feeling that some are pulling for me . . . I’m delighted to see you here, tonight, Hillary.” Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems. Of course, there's only one thing on everyone’s mind right now . . . the country is divided . . . that’s right — Madonna’s divorce. It’s sad. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are a great couple. Madonna gave him the best years of her life, and he gave her an English accent. India sent their first rocket to the moon. This is a perfect example of good American jobs being outsourced to India. John Kerry is being criticized for making a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. Knock it off, Kerry. I tell the McCain diaper jokes! Stick to losing elections to the least-popular president ever in the history of America. They say the race is going to be decided by the undecided voters — 7 percent are undecided. I have a question for them: What the hell is wrong with you? This election has been going on for years. Barack Obama has a strong lead, according to pretty much all polls. He’s taking a day or two off to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally that would be a bad idea two weeks before the election, but at this point, the only thing that could stop his campaign is if he found a bad luck tiki doll at the beach. Some believe that visiting his sick grandmother might help with the elderly vote. To try to counter that, today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother — Susan B. Anthony. Sarah Palin had a good thought: She suggested that while Barack Obama is in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for McCain to keep an eye on Japan. Joe Biden is turning out to be quite a character. He says whatever is floating around in his head. On Sunday, at a rally, a local baseball team gave him his own uniform, No. 21. He said, “No. 21 reminds me of the most famous number in all of college sports — No. 44.” How does 21 remind him of 44? In that they’re both numbers? The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000 — $46,000! It’ll probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything? John McCain got support from someone he might not want support from. Al-Qaida picked him as their choice for president. Al-Qaida announced it on their Web site. Which begs the question, al-Qaida has a Web site? Can’t we use this to find them? Can’t we send them an e-mail and say, We have a couple of old “Macarena” albums . . . send us your address, and we’ll send them to you. Obama is so far ahead, the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama supporters have a secret weakness — they’re Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family, representing small-town, common-folk hockey moms everywhere. That’s a lot of money, especially since she’s shooting all those animals. Isn’t she making pelts out of all of them for clothes? She told a bunch of third graders yesterday that the vice president runs the Senate . . . which of course, the vice president does not do. Even President Bush will tell you the vice president doesn’t run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House. And finally, today, 11 years ago, Jen and I 'eloped' in Las Vegas. Eleven. That reminds me of one... which is how many portions I am allowed to eat at dinner now. Anyway, I cannot believe we've been amrried for 11 years, that she put up with me. Some people say there's a seven year itch, but with Jen there's been an itch since October 23rd, 1997.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs Barack Obama Is Overconfident
10. Does press conferences in half-open bathrobe
9. Changed his middle name to "Diddy"
8. Asking Bill for Monica's phone number
7. He's dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween
6. Suspended his campaign to go hunting with Dick Cheney
5. Already broke ground for Obama presidential library
4. He's begun to pronounce the word "nucular"
3. Just changed his NetFlix account address to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
2. Wants to spend rest of campaign money on cigarettes and malt liquor
And the number one sign that Obama is overconfident... 
1. Cancelled an appearance on Letterman to go bowling

OCTOBER 23RD IN HISTORY

4004 BC
According to calculations by 17th century biblical theologian James Ussher, God creates the heavens and the Earth.
1976
In an astonishing lack of forethought, President Jimmy Carter admits a deadly sin in a Playboy magazine interview: "I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me."
1983
NBC news anchor Jessica Savitch drowns in 18 inches of dirty water after her car flips upside down into a ditch. The events are later played out in a lovely "Almost Golden: The Jessica Savitch Story", made-for-cable tearjerker.
1983
An Islamic Jihad suicide bomber drives a truck loaded with 2.5 tons of TNT into the US Marine barracks in Beirut, Lebanon. The explosion kills 241 American servicemen. Simultaneously, a smaller truck bomb strikes another base in Beirut, killing 58 French soldiers. Even though the NSA has proof that the Iranians are behind the attacks, President Ronald Reagan begins delivering them weapons for hostages only 39 days later.
1987
Robert Bork is borked, the Senate voting a record 58 to 42 to refuse him a seat on the Supreme Court. Ostensibly this was because he admitted to smoking marijuana as a youth, which would be the wrong reason. He should have been rejected for being a statist sleazebag.
1988
A concert-goer at a Skinny Puppy show in Cincinnati mistakes a stuffed dog, a prop that undergoes "vivisection" during the performance, for a live dog and calls the cops. Even after the police establish no real animals have been harmed, bandmates Nivek Ogre and Cevin Key, along with their tour manager, are arrested on disorderly conduct charges. They spend the night in jail and are fined $200.
1995
The murderer of the popstar singer Selena, and president of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, found guilty in Houston of her slaying.
1997
Newborn son of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince dies of complications from a "rare skull deformity." The baby's death certificate fails to name either the father or mother.
1997
Jen Tackett throws her life away by marrying me.

R.I.P.

Levi Stubbs: He can't help himself.
Mr. Blackwell: Richie is now wearing a boxy, pine number that no self-respecting designer would be caught dead in.
Rudy Ray Moore: Dolemite was his name, and fuckin' up mutha fuckas was his game.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

A woman decided to go to jail rather than pay her bill at a Fort Pierce Waffle House restaurant. The total she went to jail over: $7.45. According to a police report, Maryanne O'Neill, 66, ordered coffee and a sandwich at a Waffle House restaurant on Saturday but refused to pay the bill. The report said an officer asked her to pay or go to jail and she refused. A jail official said she was released Monday from the St. Lucie County Jail. She was charged with obtaining food or lodging with intent to defraud, a second degree misdemeanor. If convicted of a second degree misdemeanor she could face up to 60 days in jail and a fine of $500.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A man goes into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but underwear made of saran wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep.

Q: What do old ladies taste like? A: Depends.

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES WITH REALLY OBVIOUS SOLUTIONS

The Mad Gasser of Mattoon
In Mattoon, Illinois in the early 1930s, reports started popping up of a man or woman deliberately spraying poisonous gasses into people's homes via the windows, and in some cases, building crude barricades to keep the victims inside. The barricade thing may seem weird, but people in the 30s were the trusting type, and apparently didn't go out to investigate when they heard the sound of sawing and hammering right outside their front doors. Anyway, the victims complained of nausea and sore throats, and sometimes would catch a glimpse of something moving outside in the distance. The town was gripped with panic, terrified that the villain would attack again with his arsenal of pretty much harmless chemicals. Finally an official inquiry was started into the matter, to solve it once and for all. They gathered eye witness reports and wound up with descriptions of the perpetrator as a tall, short, male, female, fat, thin, human, ghost, Nazi, dinosaur ... pretty much the whole spectrum of life past and present on planet earth. Investigators filed the incident under "What the fuck?" which just happens to be conspiracy theorists favorite question to answer. The Obvious Answer:
Two weeks after it all started Thomas Wright, the commissioner of public health came and said: "There is no doubt that a gas maniac exists and has made a number of attacks. But many of the reported attacks are nothing more than hysteria. Fear of the gas man is entirely out of proportion to the menace of the relatively harmless gas he is spraying. The whole town is sick with hysteria." Yes, good job calming the hysteria with the phrase "Gas Maniac." The town police chief, on the other hand, came out and said there was actually no gasser at all, that the people were freaking out because they heard a noise, checked the window, and smelled something funny. Not unusual seeing as how their town was filled with factories and the town itself was constantly awash in chemical fumes (back then environmental regulations were pretty much done on the honor system). After the reassuring statements from Wright and the chief of police, the public decided maybe it was time to calm down. Oh wait, no they didn't. They decided it was time to fucking freak out more. There were countless more reports, none of them ever confirmed. Oh, there may have been an actual gasser at some point, a recent book points to a local medical student who could have carried out the few actual attacks that led to the hysteria. When asked why, he reportedly stated, "Because I'm fucking insane."

HEROES

Say what you want, but I think the last episode continued the good streak established last week. It looks like, after a shaky start, the "Heroes" train is finally back on the track. All it took was some patience. That's a good sign for the rest of the season. Now if it could just get some of those lost viewers back. I hope NBC is factoring in downloads, DVR playbacks and streaming views online into their decisions regarding this show as I know it performs extremely well there. Okay, I knew there was no way Hiro would really kill Ando like that, but it was cool seeing how he pulled off that trick. Maybe all the naysayers who say Hiro is stupid this year will rethink their stance. He proved himself pretty damned clever with this little maneuver and now he's officially "on staff" at Pinehearst. And even though Matt is back in the US, now Hiro will be heading to Africa to see Parkman's precog friend. That's good, because I like this new addition to the cast. I like that Daphne is morally conflicted about what she's doing. And I'm even appreciating the layers of complexity added to Sylar's character and how he wants to stop being the monster that we'd all grown to know and love. It's just Peter being basically the same thing that I'm not so thrilled about. Actually, they almost seem to be reversing roles which is even more terrible. I understand that the theme of this early part of the season appears to be our established characters questioning ... well pretty much everything about themselves. Parkman, however, seems particularly naive and earnest in his pursuit of Daphne. Actually, between Parkman, Peter and Suresh I guess I'm still not thrilled with a lot of the character direction here. Credit where credit is due, the puppet master's theater is genuinely creepy, as are the extents of his powers. It's too bad Claire and her mom had absolutely no idea what they were getting into. I have to imagine this is a character that we'll see more of. You just know Pinehearst would love to get their hands on him.

THE AMAZING RACE

It’s so weird that "60 Minutes" ends every broadcast by the credibility-sucking vacuum known as Andy Rooney. Last week, he delayed "The Amazing Race 13’s" start by complaining about how prices increase over time, and last night, the crazy, crusty old bastard outed himself as an undecided voter, as if there aren’t enough issues or reasons in this election to support either candidate. If you haven’t made up your mind by now, you aren’t paying attention, or are just desperate for CNN to thrust a little dial in your hand and ask you questions. “I don’t think we can go wrong,” Rooney said, shortly after admitting admitting, while talking about something else, “I am sexist, of course; I just don’t want to be accused of it.” Well, at least he’s an honest ass. While Rooney is an old man I see way too frequently, the episode of "The Amazing Race" that followed (45 minutes after it was scheduled to start) ended with an appearance by an older man who should be on TV every Sunday night: Phil Keoghan’s father. Here’s a look at that and other highlights: Phil told us that at the pit stop, “Kelly and Christa confronted Nick and Starr.” The result, Starr said, is that “now, things are even worse.” They are, because we just had to listen to 30 seconds worth of conflict we care nothing about. Dallas said something about making “smart, good decisions.” Upon learning they were going to New Zealand, frat boy Dan said, “I know Phil’s from there. I know they’re into kiwis.” Shortly before that, the other frat boy, Andrew, said, “This isn’t the Dan Show,” which if it got produced, would apparently be full of unfunny, cheesy lines—so basically like most other sit-coms.
While teams were checking flight information at the airport, the insert shot showing someone browsing an airline web site’s destination cities, and the URL was http://plane. That’s it. In other words, it was probably B-roll shot later by the camera operator, and someone replaced the site’s URL—because they weren’t using show sponsor Travelocity? Shortly after Ty called Aja “Fidel Castro” because “you get into your moods too quickly,” Aja made up with him by proving that she was a relatively low-key dictator, ordering him to “give me a hug now” and then playfully pushing and punching him. “Can I have a little love? Can you just touch me for a little? Maybe play with my hair?” Terence asked Sarah, and she giggled, as if to say, “Not in front of the cameras.” But hell, the least we deserve for suffering through Andy Rooney is a little porn, even if it involves, well, Terence and Sarah. “You’re doing a good job driving,” Aja told Ty, and right then there was a pop—from a flat tire, not the head of something that had wandered into the road. Once they pulled over, Aja assisted by running into traffic and screaming “Help!” as if getting herself run over would fix the flat tire. When Phil explained the Fast Forward, he said teams would have to climb up the ladder inside the Auckland Sky Tower and “pick up a friend” at the top. My guess right then was that the “friend” would be the fucking Travelocity gnome, although since Tina and Ken were going for it, I kind of hoped it’d be crabs. “I have a massive fear of heights,” Tina said. She’d only just voluntarily decided to climb to the very top of the tallest structure in the southern hemisphere. There was a Travelocity gnome at the top of the tower, but the damn things were also part of a clue, as teams had to search with binoculars around Auckland to find hidden gnomes. I’m pretty sure this locate-the-gnome challenge is the most pathetic challenge The Amazing Race has ever done. The gnome has shown up before, of course, but having them search for it, and showing us a gnome every time a team member said “Travelocity roaming gnome,” just really made me just want to continue to use Kayak. “We decided to walk,” Kelly or Christy said when the frat boys asked them why they were ignoring the instruction to drive to the top of the highest point in Auckland. Genius. I don’t yet think we’ve seen Sarah squeal while in the presence of a glassware or a bird, because if she does—and she squeals a lot for some reason—I’m positive either would explode. The representative of New Zealand who was on the mat to welcome teams was host Phil Keoghan’s dad, which was totally awesome, especially because Phil’s dad appeared to get emotional at one point, and also offered hugs to the eliminated team. However, the first time he introduced himself, I actually thought he said, “I’m Phil today.” I guess I don’t speak kiwish. Frustrated with the assembly of a vehicle with a sail, Dan said, “Give me sports trivia, and I’ll be able to beat everybody.” Trivia? Never watched "The Amazing Race" before, have you, Dan? Thrilled to have placed sixth, Dan screamed, “Thank you Phil’s Dad!” and then proceeded to hug and hump him while saying “you’re my dad, too!” Dan’s family must have interesting Thanksgiving dinners. One of the eliminated blonde girls said, “I think the Amazing Race is about taking chances and finding out who are you as individuals and finding out more about your teammate, and we definitely did that.” Glad you did, because we sure as hell didn’t. Who are you again?

GEEK TALK

Marvel Studios' top honcho Kevin Feige had a nice, long chat with MTV News, dropping all kinds of huge movie ideas left and right. They dream big over there at Marvel, and they make 2010 sound just around the corner, and yet oh-so-far away if your itching for that spin-off or sequel of your favorite character. Happily for Scott Weinberg and his fellow Hulk fans, the big green one is going to return. You might remember that Edward Norton cast some doubt on that, a big question mark that Feige is quick to dismiss. They not only made their money (always the deciding factor), but they got the origin movie they wanted. "Now we have a Hulk that we can be proud of and that is a better match and fits more with the tone of what had been in our comics and what we want him to be in our films going forward." Just because there isn't talk of a Hulk 2 doesn't mean the character is going away -- he's just taking a backseat. "The truth is that Hulk has had two films in the past five years, and it's time to give some of the other guys a turn. But certainly what we are doing is suggesting and cross-pollinating the characters between films, and like reading a comic, I'd like to set that expectation that anything can happen - and anyone can pop up - in anybody else's story. I would expect that people may see the Hulk again soon before he is again carrying his own film." (But whether Norton will play him again is left a mystery ...)
And as for "the other guys," they're all going to get their turn. Feige also says that when the next crop of Marvel movies are announced, Doctor Strange will probably be among them. "I'd say in the next year, year and a half, as we start putting together our film slate for 2012 and 2013, I would not be shocked if we saw Dr. Strange on those lists. I love the idea of taping into the magical realm of the Marvel Universe, which is fairly significant and hasn't yet seen life on screen. It's something I'm very, very interested in." Doctor Strange ... wow. Neil Gaiman and Stan Lee might love him, but does anyone else? I don't think I've ever seen him do anything but float in the astral plane, then go white, eyes bulging, gasping that something is blocking the mystical arts. I can get behind more Hulk, especially in a secondary role, but I don't want two hours of hijinks in the astral plane. I'm sure that's being quite dismissive of Marvel's magical realms, but I like my fantasy to be populated with hobbits and dragons, not Marvel's panethon. Yes, readers, you can flame me for that.

Ta-da! There you have it. Next week will be the last Phile as we know and love it. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd.











Happy anniversary baby Got you on my mind Happy anniversary baby Got you on my mind...


































Thursday, October 16, 2008

Screw Joe the Plumber

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet. So, yesterday at work I started having chest pains not long after I got there. 911 was called and they came and checked me out, and before I knew it I was in an ambulance and taken to the hospital. Fearing it was my heart, they kept me over night doing all these tests on me. It turns out it wasn't my heart, but GERD. What is GERD, you ask? Gastroesophageal reflux disease. This is commonly due to transient or permanent changes in the barrier between the esophagus and the stomach. This can be due to incompetence of the cardia, transient cardia relaxation, impaired expulsion of gastric reflux from the esophagus, or a hiatus hernia. If the reflux reaches the throat, it is called laryngopharyngeal reflux disease. Nice, eh? What a positive way to start this week's Phile. Anyway, that's what happened. So, now I am out the hospital, and will have to be on this medicine. My wife Jen says it's what happens when you get fat and eat like a pig. GERD. F'ing wonderful. Madonna started her new tour in New York. At the concert, she said she is going to kick Sarah Palin’s ass. That would be one sexy underpants pillow fight. Madonna and Sarah Plain are very different, of course. One is an insane celebrity who has no business discussing politics, and the other one is Madonna. This week, the National Rifle Association endorsed John McCain and Sarah Palin. Gov. Palin is a huge gun enthusiast. She is actually using a shotgun to plan daughter’s wedding. According to a new study this week, eight out of 10 Americans are stressed about the economy. Apparently two out of 10 Americans are in a coma. According to Esquire magazine, Halle Berry is the sexiest woman alive. Take that Angelina Jolie, you washed-up hag. Newsweek magazine is being criticized because last week’s cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Palin says it’s the worst thing the press has done to her since that time they made her answer a question. This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world’s richest countries. The Pope announced that he is going to canonize the first-ever saint from India. Apparently the Indian saint performed three miracles — and fixed the Pope’s computer when his hard drive crashed. In a new interview, Nicole Richie said she has no plans to get married, but it could happen eventually. Then Richie said the same thing about lunch. Two big wildfires are burning in California. Emergency teams are trying to contain the fire. They are trying to drive them to homes that have already been foreclosed on. Gov. Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared . . . or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an ├ęclair. It’s hard to tell with a former bodybuilder from the Black Forest. The last time California had a fire, he tried to slather it with baby oil. I just hope the fires are done by mid November because that's when we're suposed to go to California on vacation. Last night we had the final of three debates between presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain. Instead of arguing, they disagreed to disagree. Obviously, McCain has a lot riding on this . . . he doesn’t have much time left . . . 10 years if he’s lucky. Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart to pick up diapers. Turns out Sen. McCain didn’t need them, though . . .

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Least Popular New TV Shows
10. "Who Wants To Bail Out A Millionare?"
9. "Criminal Mimes"
8. "CSI: Wasilla"
7. "Project Amway"
6. "Hannity and Sean 'Puffy' Combs"
5. "Well-Adjusted Housewives"
4. "Law & Order: O.J. Simpson's Victims Unit"
3. "Larry Craig's BFF"
2. "The New Adventures of Old McCain"
And the number one least popular new tv show... 
1. "Dirty Sexy Peverett"

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES WITH REALLY OBVIOUS SOLUTIONS

The Hopkinsville Goblin Case
In 1955, members of the Sutton family were out on their porch enjoying a relaxing visit/drinking binge with their good friend Billy Ray Taylor. Billy Ray decided to go out and get a drink of water from the well, when shit started getting weird.
He ran back in to tell everyone he'd seen some bright lights in the sky and that everyone should come look. According to one member of the Sutton clan, upon stepping outside the Suttons-plus-one encountered: "... a luminous, three-and-a-half-foot-tall being with an oversized head, big, floppy, pointed ears, glowing eyes, and hands with talons at their ends. The figure, either made of or simply dressed in silvery metal, had its hands raised." After seeing these figures coming out of the woods, showing the universal sign of surrender, the Suttons did the only thing they could do: try to kill their asses. As they shot at the defenseless creatures with rifles, they claim to have heard clangs and ricochets as if the aliens were wearing some kind of metal armor. They said the aliens "flipped over and fled into the darkness when shot at." The Obvious Answer: Look at the head of the "creature" then look at the head of the owl. Now, get really, really drunk. We're talking "mid-1950s rural Kentucky" drunk. Ufologist Renaud Leclet admitted, "It could be a misidentification of a pair of Great horned owls, which are nocturnal, fly silently, have yellow eyes, and aggressively defend their nests." Oh, and that sound of metal clanging and ricochets during the shooting? Get drunk and shoot towards a target in front of your tin chicken coup.
So it's either that, or there may still be an interstellar invasion force on the way to retaliate.

R.I.P.

Neal Hefti: Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da — DEAD MAN!
Edie Adams:
Goodbye, Mrs. Stoner. Thanks for the brownies.

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK

Ringo Starr doesn't want to hear from you. If you do write, your letter will end up in the trash. That's the message from Richard Starkey, aka Ringo Starr. After 45 years of stardom, he doesn't want to spend any more time answering mail or sending signed photos back to fans. The fan fatigue led the former Beatles drummer to post a sometimes angry sounding short video clip on his Web site telling fans that any mail sent to him after Oct. 20 will not be read or answered. British television stations broadcast the video on Tuesday. "It's going to be tossed," he says on the video. "I'm warning you with peace and love, I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing. Anyway, peace and love, peace and love." The drummer and singer did not elaborate on the reason behind his decision to cut off a major point of contact with his many fans. Starr, 68, has maintained a very active touring and recording schedule in recent years, drawing large crowds for performances with his All-Starr band. The band plays a mix of old Beatles hits, Starr's many solo offerings, and other classics from the 1960s and 1970s. Starr usually serves as front man, though he sometimes plays the drums. But he has angered longtime fans in Liverpool by telling interviewers that he does not miss his native city. Vandals there beheaded a topiary sculpture of Starr earlier this year — he was the only one of the four Beatles whose likeness was desecrated. The good-natured drummer, who also enjoyed a brief acting career after star turns in Beatles' films "A Hard Day's Night" and "Help!," guest starred on a 1991 episode of "The Simpsons" in which he is shown scrupulously answering every piece of fan mail that comes his way. "They took the time to write to me, and I don't care if it takes 20 years, I'm going to answer every one of them," Starr says on the show. In his mail, he finds a package from Marge Simpson that contains a portrait she painted of him back in the Beatles heyday. He puts it on his wall and writes back to tell her — a few decades late — how much he likes her painting.

OCTOBER 16TH IN HISTORY

1793
Deposed French queen Jos├ęphe Jeanne Marie Antoinette sits in an open cart, enduring three hours of public ridicule as she is slowly driven around the streets of Paris. Finally, she is taken to the guillotine. Before she loses her head, Antoinette tells the crowd: "Farewell, my children, forever. I go to your Father."
1968
American athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos perform a raised-fist Black Power salute during the 200-meter dash medals ceremony at the Mexico City Olympics. Despite being two of the fastest men on Earth (Smith won the gold and Carlos the bronze), the pair are promptly kicked off the U.S. team for their political statement.
1977
In a very special episode of "All in the Family", a rapist holds Edith at knifepoint and pays a compliment on her perfume (Lemon Fresh Pledge). Luckily, Edith manages tofendoff the home invader before he can rape her.
1991
George Hennard crashes his pickup truck through the window of Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas. Then he hops out and begins shooting the patrons with a Glock 17 semiauto and a Ruger P89. Before ultimately killing himself next to the restaurant's bathrooms, Hennard manages to kill 23 people and wound 19 others.
1992
The Dutchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, files a $1.4M suit against French tabloids for running topless photos of her taken on the French Riviera, including some of Texas millionaire John Bryan sucking her toes. Fergie went on to appear in advertisements for Weight Watchers.
1996
84 are killed and more than 180 injured in Guatemala City when 47,000 soccer fans attempt to squeeze into 36,000 seats at Mateo Flores Stadium. It is the worst tragedy in soccer history.
2008
I was released from the hospital with GERD. Yippee!

CANNED LAUGHTER

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the hot blonde behind him seems to be checking him and out smiling at him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be interested in him. She seems familiar but he can't place her face. So he says to her, “Sorry do you know me?” She replies, “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!” His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife. “Christ!” he says. “Are you that hooker from my bachelor party that I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while another hooker whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a carrot up my ass?” “No,” she replies. “I’m your son’s English teacher.”

SHARPENING AXES

Heartburn is the major symptom of gastric reflux into the esophagus, characterized by burning discomfort behind the breastbone (sternum). Findings in GERD include esophagitis (reflux esophagitis) — inflammatory changes in the esophageal lining (mucosa) —, strictures, difficulty swallowing (dysphagia), and chronic chest pain. Patients may have one or more of those symptoms. Typical GERD symptoms include heartburn, regurgitation and chest pain. Aytypical GERD symptoms include cough, asthma, sleep disturbances and hoarseness. GERD complications include stricture formation, Barrett's esophagus, esophageal spasms, esophageal ulcers, and possibly lead to Barretts esophagus or esophageal cancer. Occasional heartburn is common but does not necessarily mean one has GERD. Patients with heartburn symptoms more than once a week are at risk of developing GERD. A hiatal hernia is usually asymptomatic, but the presence of a hiatal hernia is a risk factor for developing GERD. GERD is commonly treated with Proton Pump Inhibitor (PPI) medications which inhibit acid production in the stomach but do not reduce frequency of reflux episodes. Approximately 30% of GERD patients experience inadequate symptom relief while on PPI therapy.

NUTTED BY REALITY

Last Sunday, I came up with a solution to CBS’ constantly delayed start of "The Amazing Race", which inevitably means I’ll see some "60 Minutes" anchor’s face instead of Phil Keoghan’s when I tune in or play back my DVR recording. If they’re going to continue this delayed nonsense and force me to watch Andy Rooney’s pointless bitching (Last week, his insane old man ranting was about how prices increase over time. Breaking news!), at least make it entertaining. Cut "60 Minutes" short by letting it actually overlap with the reality competition, casting Andy Rooney on the race with, say, Larry King. A race around the world will be the perfect occasion for Rooney’s racist and homophobic commentary, and the production can accidentally leave him behind in, say, a Thailand brothel, solving everyone’s problems. Meanwhile, the actual cast went to Bolivia this week, where there were more costumes than drama: Either Kelly or Christy said her sports bra “hurled itself off the ledge”—or Starr did something to it. Starr laughed off the accusation: “How does that get us ahead in anything?” Maybe Nick runs faster with a sports bra? Dallas told us, “I think that this race is really about getting to know each other on a different level.” This is probably not what he meant, but his mother and the rest of the world certainly got to know him on a different level later in the episode when he wore tights—not that the nude photo of Dallas circulating on the Internet didn’t accomplish the same thing when they got home. “I think I look pretty sexy,” the red-headed frat boy said, and the brown-haired one chuckled for the rest of us. Holy shit: The editors completely edited out the teams getting airline tickets. They just magically arrived in Bolivia—and on two separate flights. Finally! The clue instructed teams to “make your way on foot,” but Bill and Ted—I mean, Mark and Bill—ignored that. In the taxi, one of them said, “I don’t want to curse myself and say we’re in first, but I definitely think we’re doing well.” Cue the Cymbal Crash of Foreshadowing. In La Paz, Bolivia, Tina said, “I don’t see how they get around at this altitude,” apparently assuming that everyone in the city had just arrived there, like her. Best descriptive language used by a team during the episode: Marisa and Brooke caught up to the frat boys, who were “just waddling along.” The wooden bikes some teams rode—and crashed—during the Detour may have been genuine and locally crafted, however ridiculous they were, but the helmets with feathers were clearly designed to make them look like idiots. So were the costumes required during the Roadblock, which Phil introduced by saying that said one person had to “set aside all decorum and fight a girl.” Since they were merely participating in choreographed fights with female fighters, what Phil should have said was, “set aside all decorum and squeeze into this brightly colored, skin-tight, superhero-esque leotard and parade around in front of hundreds of locals and a U.S. television audience of millions. Mark and Bill incurred a 30-minute penalty for failing to read the clue, which if you ask me was actually not that significant. But it was enough for Kelly and Christy to beat them to the finish line, and lead to Mark and Bill’s elimination, although Mark’s failure to remember the fight choreography didn’t help, either.

HEROES

"Suresh. Yeah, he's harmless." Nathan telling Tracy that maybe Mohinder can help them. Ah, the irony. Those who were harmless are suddenly finding themselves much more dangerous. In fact, the three sweetest characters from past seasons, Peter, Mohinder and Claire, are suddenly three of the darkest characters as tonight's episode began. Especially if you factor in their future incarnations. A lot of critics are decrying the meandering plotlines and again overcrowded cast of this show, but I have to say that by the end of this episode, even those naysayers should be on board this train.
The reveal at the end brought together so many elements from the past and really paved an exciting future for us. I was always intrigued by the promise of more attention spent on the first generation of heroes, including Ma Petrelli and Pa Parkman, Linderman and the rest of the "old folks." It looks like we're going to finally see some of that promise come to light and I think it's going to really add something to the mythology being established here.

GEEK TALK

Despite the heavy hints in Iron Man that Jim Rhodes, best friend to Tony Stark, would come to play War Machine in a future film, it won't be Terrence Howard reprising his role as Rhodes in the forthcoming sequel, but rather Don Cheadle. According to the Hollywood Reporter, there hasn't been a formal announcement by Marvel Studios about it, but the casting swap appears to have come as a result of money matters (natch). Returning still are stars Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow, in addition to director Jon Favreau, as Justin Theroux, fresh off the success of Tropic Thunder, currently tinkers away at the script. Last month, amidst the press blitz for the Iron Man DVD, Favreau confessed to wanting to incorporate both 3-D and IMAX technology in the making of the sequel (to which the world collectively replied "Fuck yeah!").
Alas, it remains for the Paramount/Marvel number-crunchers to determine in which format exactly we'll see Downey Jr. and Cheadle team up come the summer of 2010.

CHECK IT OUT

After you read the Phile go to this link: http://radioheadremix.com/remix/?id=830 and vote for my brother-in-law. He needs about a hundred votes, and I am hoping you phgans will help him get there.

Well, there you go, another entry of the Phile. The next one will be on the 23rd (Jen and my anniversary) and the last entry of the Phile at AOL will be on the 30th before it gets switched over to Google. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd.











Hey, GURD, don't make me sick, don't make me throw up and end up in hospital. Remember, to keep the acid down, and keep me from being ill and all gastral.
Hey, GURD, I can't eat spicy food, Indian or Mexican, or drink coffee.
And, I'm not supposed to have a beer, but I will, and I might eat toffee.


























































Thursday, October 9, 2008

Stop Global Ferrets With Moustaches

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog at AOL Journals... but not for long. Part of the global economy crisis, AOL is shutting down their journals homepage site. I blame it all on Bush, of course. So, today we finally swam in our new pool, or as I like to call it, a quick way for Jen to get rid of me. One dunk and thirty seconds later, good night. Jen said if we pee in the pool our penis's will fall off. Logan didn't believe it, but man, I was scared. The race is heating up, now. During an interview, John McCain said that he is not a rich man. Which is true — at least two of his seven houses are in kind of so-so neighborhoods.
Several Republicans have come out and said that Sarah Palin is too uninformed to be the vice president. I think they might have a point, because before the debate, she went sightseeing and saw the St. Louis Arch and said, “Who put up that huge McDonald’s sign?” Hustler is producing a porn movie with a Sarah Plain lookalike. In the movie, she has sex with a Bill Clinton lookalike. I think Bill has actually volunteered to be in it. And yes, I want a copy. This just in: A backwoods hiker has just found the wreckage of John McCain’s campaign. John McCain has pulled out of Michigan — I guess the surge wasn’t working. They say they won’t try to compete for votes there. Apparently, this is part of McCain’s strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. This weekend, the jury in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case found him guilty on all counts. So be careful parents — if your child experiments with double murder it could lead down the treacherous path to sports memorabilia theft. In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that she wants to have more children. Then someone explained to Jolie that thanks to her there are no more left. eBay announced that they are firing 1,600 people. On the bright side, the fired eBay employees will be allowed to bid on the contents of their desks. You'd think with my $900 plus bids on eBay these last six months they could keep some of their workers. A few nights ago was the second Presidental debate. McCain prepared by putting new tennis balls on his walker. The media treats these guys like they're too cute to question seriously — like they’re The Jonas Brothers or something. Most people would say Barack Obama is winning: He’s ahead in the polls; he has ways to fix the economy; and he’s with that gorgeous sex-pot Joe Biden. But I wouldn’t rule out John McCain, just yet. Obama is like the hare, surging ahead with his ideas . . . his plans . . . his cute little bunny ears . . . McCain is like the tortoise. He’s thousands of years old . . . shuffling forward, occasionally poking his head out of his shell to go to the bathroom . . . I did take exception to McCain calling Obama “that one.” I can’t think of anytime it would be appropriate to call a United States senator “that one.” Well, maybe if you had to pick a senator out of a lineup. And finally, people looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. And it turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Barack Obama-John McCain Debate
10. "Who left the Geritol in the dressing room?"
9.  "Quick, before I go onstage -- how many houses do I own?"
8. "Somebody open a window; that old man smell is making me gag"
7. "The loser has to read the Phile"
6. "This debate would have been a lot shorter if McCain hadn't needed five bathroom breaks"
5. "My solution for the economy: bet 700 million against the Mets"
4. "I knew Abraham Lincoln, you are no Abraham Lincoln"
3. "For the last time, Senator Clinton, we do not have another podium"
2. "I would like to suspend by answer to concentrate on the financial crisis"
And the number one thing overheard during the debate...
1. "Forget these guys, bring on the hot chick from Alaska!"

SHARPENING AXES

Every year around this time, our thoughts turn to holiday shopping as deals for Black Friday start to get leaked out to the press. The economy has made the discounting start earlier and earlier every year, and the Internet has made it possible for the scoops to come out instantaneously. So if you want to fill your shopping cart with the lowest priced items possible, you better start making your lists early, and we're here to help. Click through our gallery to see what type of Black Friday deals you can expect at these popular retailers. 1. Target. Status: Doing well, but still falling behind Walmart
What's likely to be on sale: Target will continue to draw in customers with low prices on apparel, DVDs (including TV box sets) as well as toys and videogames. The chain will have a few deals on electronics, but the bulk of their low-priced items will be on low-cost items for holiday shopping. Prediction: Look for Target to go low as it senses wallets tightening even more in its core demographic. 2. Walmart. Status: Tough economic times are boom times for the discounter. What's likely to be on sale: Everything. The retailer will be cutting prices early and often this season -- like announcing a $10 toy deal at the start of October -- to try to get the scoop on everyone and keep its #1 position. Expect laptops in the $299 range, popular video games for $10 and toys for practically nothing. Prediction: Walmart will win in holiday sales, but extra-deep discounting will hurt the bottom line. 3. Kmart. Status: Struggling and playing major catch-up. What's likely to be on sale: Traditionally Kmart has used Black Friday to move kid's clothes and those prepackaged Christmas gifts you end up buying on the way to a gift exchange you forgot about, so expect extra discounts like last year's 10% off all apparel. If the past is any indicator, shoppers can expect to see great deals on board games -- buy one, get one -- and other toys. And cheap, cheap electronics. Prediction: Kmart will likely draw in a crowd with a careful selection of low-priced loss leaders. 4. Toys R Us. Status: While the toy industry is facing a poor outlook in sales this fall, one analyst called Toys R Us a "beacon of hope." What's likely to be on sale: Young kid's toys and video games will dominate the ads this fall. There will definitely be rock bottom prices to aim for consumer's shrinking disposable income. Prediction: Many Buy-One-Get-One and Buy-Two-Get-One sales will bring in shoppers with young children at home who still expect Santa to shower them with presents. 5. Best Buy. Status: Even when the economy is doing poor, consumers still want their gadgets. What's likely to be on sale: HDTVs, laptops, picture frames and GPS. Expect to see extra long lines at Best Buy this year as many first-time Black Friday shoppers looking for new TVs in response to the digital switchover. Dan de Grandpre from Dealnews.com predicts that shoppers will find very aggressive pricing on laptops and Blu-Ray players as well as Insignia and Westinghouse HDTVs. Prediction: Lines stretched around the block will bring in record sales for the electronics giant. 6. Circuit City. Status: Under new leadership, Circuit City will be counting on Black Friday to bring in a profitable quarter. What's likely to be on sale: Home theater, games and cameras. Like Best Buy, Circuit City will be looking to lure in customers who are upgrading to their first HDTV. Don't be surprised if Circuit City also offers crazy deals for a quality 7.1 surround sound home theater in a box system below $200! Dan de Grandpre from Dealnews.com expects similar laptops deals as well as "wicked" HD TV deals from Circuit City. Prediction: Circuit City may do well this year by being a one-stop Black Friday shop.

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES WITH REALLY OBVIOUS SOLUTIONS

The Lost Roanoke Colony
The Roanoke Colony was either the first permanent settlement in America, or an elaborate practical joke. Walter Raleigh sent the colonists there and then left them without supplies for three years, perhaps just to see what would happen. What he probably didn't expect was for the colony to just vanish. When new settlers finally arrived, none of the original colony remained at the settlement (except for the old skeleton of one guy) and the mysterious word "Croatan" was carved into a tree, right under, "Metallica Rules". So, was it a UFO abduction? Perhaps the colonists were held in some kind of suspended animation and are still being anally probed to this very day. The Obvious Answer: That second group of settlers didn't really get the chance to investigate what happened to the original bunch, because a few years later an even bigger mysterious phenomena occurred: Blue-eyed, pale-complexioned Indians began showing up on nearby Croatan Island. So what to make of these mysterious children, who looked like they might have been the descendents of white/Indian mixed race parents? On CROATAN island? It's almost as if, I don't know, a certain group of settlers realized their colony sucked, and went and found some natives nearby who seemed to know how to live off the land. And that they then left their shitty colony forever to go live happily ever after on Croatan Island, and to have impressive amounts of sex with the natives.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

There's a bra bandit on the loose in southwest Florida. The Lee County Sheriff's Office was searching for an individual they say stole 160 bras valued at nearly $6,000 on Thursday from a Victoria Secret store, the latest in a string of bra burglaries in the area. Since February, authorities say 452 bras valued at nearly $19,000 have been stolen from two of the chain's southwest Florida locations. Six different bra thefts at the stores have been reported during that time. Investigators said a female customer walked into the store Thursday and immediately went to a four-drawer cabinet with new bras of the PINK brand name. The store manager told deputies the woman waited until employees were busy helping customers and then thrust the bras into a bag and exited the store.

OCTOBER 9TH IN HISTORY

1919
The Cincinnati Reds win the World Series, but only because key Chicago White Sox ballplayers agreed to throw the series for $100,000 in bribes.
1951
RKO Pictures asks Marilyn Monroe to wear panties while working. Damn them.
1967
After being debriefed by CIA field agent Felix Rodriguez, Che Guevara is executed in a schoolhouse in La Higuera, Bolivia. Guevara had been captured by the Bolivian 2nd Ranger Battalion, which was specifically trained by U.S. Army Special Forces to catch him.
1987
24 boats equipped with Lowrance X-16 sonar units detect a "large object" at a depth of 606 feet beneath Loch Ness.
1989
Three aliens and their UFO visit Voronezh, USSR, acccording to the TASS news agency.
1989
The Hebrew edition of Penthouse magazine is released. Kosher pornography!
1995
A 12-car Amtrak train derails near Hyder, Arizona. Letters claiming responsibility are found, signed by the "Sons of the Gestapo."

HEROES

Ratings for NBC's "Heroes" are falling each and every week. The most recent episode was down 11% from the previous week's numbers. I gotta tell ya, I don't get it. I'm really loving this season, but TV critics left and right have given up on the show. Sure, it's completely ridiculous and over the top, but if you remember the first season wasn't exactly a PBS documentary. The show has always been comic-book crazy, so I wonder if the writers strike had a bigger impact on the show than we all thought. Or maybe people have just gotten tired of the show, not because of any massive drop in quality but just because they're watching other things, not into sci-fi as much anymore, or don't want to follow another show with a continuing storyline and a lot of characters. I don't know, but I do know that the show is a ton of fun to watch, and even if there is a lot going on, it's a great ride. It probably doesn't help that the ratings for the lead in show, "Chuck", are down 15%. Wow, if these two shows go away, what other hour-long shows will there be left to watch on NBC? I'm not sitting through "The Biggest Loser" or "Knight Rider", sorry. I wonder how "My Own Worst Enemy" will do in the Monday at 10 time slot when it premieres next week?

THE AMAZING RACE

Having previously cited The Amazing Race as my favorite reality series, I don’t want it to die. Right now, I kind of just want the race to slow down: let us get to know the contestants, and the locations, much more than it does now. It is a race, of course, and so that may be impossible, but the challenges could borrow from "The Mole", for example, and require a lot more thinking and strategizing. That won’t happen this season, though. And there are still spectacular locations and funny moments. Here are the things that stood out from the second episode: Why do Nick and Starr wear camouflage? Are they expecting combat? And do they realize that sleeveless camo kind of defeats the purpose? During a cab ride, Terence told Sarah, “Find the spot, really stick this in there. … Now, if you will be kind enough, blow it.” The Parents Television Council is already filing a complaint (even though he was just asking her to fix a minor wound on his forehead caused by the cab driver slamming the trunk on his head, which is definitely a point for the cab driver). Arriving at the airport, Ty asked Aja, “What do you want to do—do you want to buy the flight first or do you want to change the money?” Then they decided to change money instead of buy tickets. Did someone forget to tell them this is a race? Tina got increasingly more annoying after convincing herself that she’d convinced an airline to get a bigger airplane so that all of the contestants would fit. Because the best way to endear oneself to others is to demand that they like you, Tina went around and told everyone what she’d done, and then instructed them to appreciate her. “You owe me,” Tina told Ty and Aja, and then pulled a horse head out of her backpack and dropped it on the ground in front of them.
“I’m going to start giving people candy!” one of the blondes, Marisa or Brooke, said, thinking that’d be an effective strategy to get people to help her rather than, say, call the police when she starts handing out candy to strangers. Anthony and Stephanie foreshadowed their elimination by talking about how the abject poverty around them helped them to appreciate their lives, because there’s no better way to feel better about yourself than to compare yourself to someone whose life appears much worse upon superficial examination of that person’s community. It also helps if you’re condescending and insulting, like when Anthony criticized the country’s taxis and said, “If they learned how to fix a car, they’d probably make it rich.” Deciding to do the more physical Detour challenge, one of the (not exactly Abercrombie) frat boys said, “Me and him lift all the time, so it’s not like we’d pull a muscle or anything.” And that, friends, is proof that lifting weights and physical fitness do not necessarily have anything to do with one another. Any sentence that starts with “As Yoda would say” is a sentence that I wish I never heard. Nick declared, “Taxi Parking: There’s a sign that I can read.” I think he meant, “there’s a sign that’s in English,” or even “there’s a sign I’m glad to see,” but it’s much funnier to imagine that anything more complicated than those two words represents a significant reading challenge for him, and that he really had to work hard for his Pizza Hut Book It! personal pan pizzas.
“Should we go in there and get an ice cream?” Terence asked Sarah, who replied, “Yeah, babe, because we’re sightseeing.” Seriously, did the producers forget to tell these teams they are racing? Kelly and Christy raised their stupidity flag as they wasted time in one of the most incomprehensible ways ever: “We were searching in the sand, searching in the water for a container we did not need,” one of them said. Yes, after they completed their own Detour task, they read the clue for the other Detour, which talked about location a shipping container by number, and so they started digging in the sand, apparently not realizing that they were a) doing something completely unnecessary, b) digging in the wrong place, and c) looking for something the size of the trailer they will soon occupy if their intelligence is any indication of their future earning potential. There was so much confusion between Spanish and Portuguese, the actual language spoken in Brazil, that I don’t even know where to begin except to just sigh. Phil hasn’t been much of a presence this season, but he did get a little randy on the mat when Dallas and Toni, Terence and Sarah, and Aja and Ty showed up. “Maybe you should talk about this love that I’m seeing here,” he said. “You guys are hugging and kissing.” As if their search for the shipping container wasn’t enough to demonstrate their cluelessness, Kelly and Christy stood around waiting for a taxi when theirs was sitting with the others the whole time. “I have a lot of things in my life to be thankful for: I have my health, I have my parents, I have, you know, my looks, and I have Stephanie,” Anthony said. Well, three out of four isn’t bad.

GEEK TALK

There's actually a lot of noteworthy geek news this week. Producer Lauren Shuler Donner talked up X-Men Origins: Wolverine over on Superhero Hype: "It's closer to the first X-Men in tone because it's a little darker, but there's a lot of action. It's his origin story. It's really good. I've been in the editing room the last couple of weeks and I think that it's good and that audiences are going to like it. But it's a little darker ... You haven't seen this side of him. It's darker and sadder and it's kick-ass. There's a ton of action. It's really kick-ass." She also suggested the film borrows from Wolverine's Victorian youth in one of my least favorite series, "Wolverine: Origins". The troubled Punisher: War Zone has launched its official site, and it's got all kinds of things to click on. The multiplayer game jammed up my computer so I don't know what that's all about. And IGN has the new poster, which will arrive in your local theaters framed in "real" guns. I must say, that is a pretty impressive piece of marketing. David S. Goyer, scribe of The Dark Knight, tried his best to end all these Batman 3 rumors. "It's all B.S.," he told MTV News. "ALL of it. Chris and I haven't even talked about it. He quite understandably is taking a long, long vacation and wants to purgehimself." This will dampen the "Guess who's playing Catwoman" rumors for approximately 3.5 days. Superhero Hype has 5 videos of Kick-Ass filming in Toronto. Mostly people standing around, and cars being driven on platform trucks. And /film has photos up of Dave "Kick Ass" Lizewski's costume, filled out nicely by his stunt double.

Okay, kids, there you have it, another new entry. I received an e-mail from AOL about the future of the journals, and here is what it said: Dear AOL Journals user, As we wrote in an e-mail on Sept. 30, AOL® Journals will permanently shut down on Oct. 31. It’s never an easy decision to shut down a feature, especially one like AOL Journals that some of our members have used for a long time. But with a decline in Journals usage, we have to look carefully at all of AOL’s features to make sure we’re providing as much value to our members as possible. Though we know this might be an inconvenience, the good news is that we've partnered with Blogger.com to provide a smooth transition for your journal. Blogger is a free service from Google that makes it easy to share your thoughts with friends and the world. Blogger supports most of the features you've come to expect from AOL Journals, and it's easy to get started. If you wish to transfer your journal to Blogger, they will move your posts, comments and photos to your new blog on their service. When you're ready, go to this link to get started. Blah, blah. blah. Anyway, I did register to Blogger, and another blog website as well. I will try Blogger out, and if I don't like it I will go with the other one. In the meantime, the Phile will be updated next Thursday, then on the 23rd and the 30th. In November I'll start posting on Blogger. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd.











Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on. Some feel the heat and decide that they can't go on. Some like it hot, but you cant tell how hot til you try. Some like it hot, so lets turn up the heat til we fry.











































Thursday, October 2, 2008

Honky Moms For Obama

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet... at least for now. Pretty soon the Phile is going from AOL to AWOL. At te end of October AOL is shutting down the Journals, but promised to move all the blogs over to a blog site they'll choose. Knowing my luck my will get lost in the shuffle, or they'll be some kinda restriction. Last Monday my Prius ran out of gas... I said Prius. I thought once the gas ran out the battery would take me to the next gas station, but instead a tow truck had to haul my ass. What they need to come up with is a car where you fart into a hole which fills it up with gas. Then I would never have to go to a gas station again.... just Taco Bell. It seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 million bailout. Then it turned out they hadn’t. Think of Wall Street as a no-good brother in law who borrowed $500 from you and shows up with a new Jet Ski. President Bush met with both Barack Obama and John McCain mostly to discuss the financial crisis, but he did take time to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn. McCain showed up without Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of banking and financial experience — she lived right next to a bank. Sarah Palin was in New York at the U.N. to meet world leaders. Previously, her world experience has been limited to visiting the Epcot. Michelle Obama says she keeps her kids entertained on the campaign trail by throwing slumber parties. Which, coincidentally, is how Bill Clinton kept himself entertained during his campaign. A guy in Kentucky claims his genitals were removed without his consent during a routine operation. He was mad. He said, “When did I agree to this?” Bill Clinton was asked what his favorite romantic movie was. He said The English Patient. I don’t believe it — what about Ass a Blanca? The Stock market fell a jazillion points. And Congress botched the bailout deal. Experts on Wall Street say it’s the biggest disaster to hit New York City since the Mets. No one agrees who won the presidential debate of course. Republicans say McCain won; Democrats say Obama won; Bill Clinton says Hillary won. The vice presidential debate is coming tonight. The VPs only get one debate, so it is really important. Somepeople say the vice president doesn’t do much in office, so it isn’t a big deal. I’ve got two words for people who say that: Dick and Cheney. Sarah Palin is at John McCain’s house in Arizona getting ready for the debate with Joe Biden. Isn’t it a little weird that she is getting ready at his house? Maybe the whole running-mate thing was a scheme to get her into bed. Maybe McCain saw her picture in a LensCrafters magazine and thought, “Let me get a hold of that.” Palin’s staff has tried to find a stand-in to pretend to be Joe Biden, but so far all they’ve come up with is a tree stump. Which actually sounds about right. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock to figure out how to run an Internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her information. Even though she’s not expected to do well in the debate, she is favored heavily in Friday’s swimsuit competition. Man, I'd pay to see that. L

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list.
Top Ten Signs Your Bank Is In Trouble
10. The coins are made of chocolate
9. ATM dispenses IOUs
8. The July 4th bank holiday was extended to New Year's
7. The security cameras all point toward the bank president
6. They start charging $1.50 to use the pen chained to the counter
5. They set up a tollbooth in front of the drive-up window
4. Their 24 hour-a-day ATM only works from 1am to 4am on Tuesdays
3. They're handing out free promotional calendars from 2007
2. Instead of toasters, they're giving away your mortgage
And the number one sign your bank is in trouble... 
1. Bank president has cancelled AOL Journals

OCTOBER 2ND IN HISTORY

1574
Spaniards sieging the Dutch city of Leyden, held by William the Silent, are washed away after Holland's dike breaks during a storm. Approximately 20,000 Spanish troops drown.
1871
Mormon prophet Brigham Young is arrested for cohabitating with a 16-year-old girl.
1935
Italy invades Ethiopia!
1967
Narcs raid the Haight-Ashbury residence of the Grateful Dead, busting all six bandmates for possession of marijuana and hashish.
1977
The bodies of Elvis Presley and his mother Gladys are moved from Forest Hill Cemetery to the Meditation Garden at Graceland, thereby becoming yet more tourist attractions.
1978
Tim Allen is arrested with 1.4 pounds of cocaine at Kalamazoo Airport in Michigan. After testifying against his partner, Allen serves only 2.5 years for felony drug possession. Otherwise, it would have been a life sentence. Tim later becomes a comic, ultimately landing the starring role in the ABC television sitcom "Home Improvement".
1985
Homosexual actor Rock Hudson dies of AIDS in his Beverly Hills home.

R.I.P.

Paul Newman: What we've got here is failure to perpetuate.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

A female firefighter accused of taking a severed foot from a crash scene trains cadaver dogs at her home, FLORIDA TODAY news partner WKMG Local 6 News reports.
Rescuers recently responded to a single-car crash on Interstate 95 near Port St. Lucie and discovered Karl Lambert, 46, of Melbourne seriously injured. Fire crews were forced to amputate Lambert's foot to free him from his car before he was transported to a West Palm Beach hospital. However, his foot did not go with him, Local 6 reported.
Cindy Economou is accused of taking the foot and putting it in a freezer. "It's not normal for remains or pieces or parts to be removed from an accident scene other than by the appropriate authority, St. Lucie Asst. Fire Chief Buddy Emerson said. An attorney for Lambert said the dog training may explain why his client's foot was removed from the scene but said it's unusual and deemed unethical. Investigators are talking with the 17 people who witnessed the crash. Lambert continues to recover in a West Palm Beach hospital.

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES WITH REALLY OBVIOUS SOLUTIONS

The Dyatlov Pass Incident
On February 2nd, 1959, during the cold winter on Kholat Syakhl ("Mountain of the Dead") in Russia, nine intrepid ski hikers decided to do what they do best, which is ski hike, whatever the hell that is. On February 26th, the first of their very dead bodies turned up. Man, who would have thought such a tragedy could strike on "The Mountain of the Dead?" But it was the discovery of the campgrounds that added the icing to the creepy-as-fuck cake. The ski hikers' tent was shredded. The skiers were scattered around the grounds wearing either very sparse clothing or just their underwear. Three of them were found with crushed ribs and fractured skulls, but no visible defense marks or other signs of a struggle. In case you weren't already on the phone with Mulder and Scully, trace levels of radiation were supposedly found on their bodies. The official statement on what happened was about as vague and ass-covering as possible, saying it was caused by an "unknown compelling force." In laymen's terms this means, "fuck if we know." The story has become an internet sensation over the years, with many people blaming aliens, and then ghosts, and then the yeti, or possibly all of them working in tandem. "So we're agreed then: We tear up their tents, take a lady's tongue, and never tell a soul." The Obvious Answer: So there's six things that freak people out about this one: 1. The no-tongued woman
2. A mysterious orange tan on the dead bodies 3. The ripped tents 4. The hikers' lack of clothing 5. The crushing damage done to three of the hikers 6. The traces of radioactivity. The big fact that gets lost in the re-telling of this story is that the bodies weren't found until weeks later. It's not like somebody turned their back, then five minutes later all their friends were dead and half naked. That makes the missing tongue a lot easier to explain. As disturbing as it may be, the first thing a scavenging animal is going to go for is probably the soft tissue of an open mouth, especially if it still smelled like the burrito the hiker just ate. Laying out in the sun surrounded by white snow for days also accounts for the weird tan. The trauma and the destroyed tent points to an avalanche. Their state of undress can be explained by paradoxical undressing, a known behavior of hypothermia victims when their brains start to freeze and malfunction. In other words, it's the kind of behavior you'd expect from a group of injured avalanche victims wandering around in the middle of the night in the freezing cold. What about the radioactivity? Or stranger details that turn up in some accounts, like orange lights in the sky? Well, there's the fact that none of that stuff turns up in the original documents from the incident, and appears to have been added later by people who just can't resist making things spookier than they are. It's those later accounts that have stuck in the public memory, because so many of the original reports were destroyed (this was the Cold War-era Soviet Union, which treated casserole recipes as state secrets). So none of the details on their own prove anything other than a tragic hiking accident. The conspiracy-loving public widely reject this, too busy lighting their torches and getting their pitchforks to go hunt down an, "unknown compelling force."

HEROES

Mama Petrelli is going to be trouble this season, isn't she? I wonder how much of the flak the show is taking now is because they've had to restructure their overall plan due to the strike last year. We already know they'd intended to unleash the virus and have the aftermath of that drive the second half of the season. Who knows how that development would have flowed into what we're seeing now. I'd hate to think that the lower ratings opening of last week's premiere will spell the impending doom of this show. If people are willing to ride along with the insanity of "Prison Break" for four seasons now, surely they can handle the comic book logic and over-the-top plotlines of this series for a little while. Sure, it's silly. Sure some of it really doesn't make much sense, but what do you expect with extensive time travel stories and super powers. Marvel and DC Comics have been struggling to keep the logic and timeliness of their universes in order for decades. I may be the only one in the country, but I've never had as much of a problem with the Nikki/Jessica storyline as most people seem to. Sure, multiple personality disorder isn't exactly an ability but now that we've seen Tracy having ice powers while Jessica had super strength it really opens up the potential in the character, no matter who she is. Or how many of them there are. I didn't see Tracy seeing Nikki's body coming (I guess almost no time has passed since the finale). Nor did I see the return of Micah as I thought I'd read that he was written out of the show. It would be a shame if he did leave, though, because I really like the kid (and where's Monica?). But I now think that Tracy/Nikki/Jessica are all clones, or some after-effect of Zimmerman's ability. There could be tons of Ali Larter's running around out there.

GEEK TALK

July 16th became the new Christmas this year, when Eugene revealed the scribe for the Iron Man sequel -- Justin Theroux. Really, the actor's inclusion is a nice metaphor for why I like the first Iron Man to begin with -- it's a wonderful mixture of sexiness, smarts, and charm. (I mean, heck, I accepted him as my personal saviour.) So now we're getting more, in capable hands, and one Mr. Jon Favreau shared some details during a live web chat with LA Times readers. First off, Favreau says that he's currently working with Theroux on the first draft, and they're playing with who the villain of the next pic will be. I imagine that this decision might be influenced by visual possibilities, as Favreau is also presently working with a storyboard artist and costumers. From there, Jon has a take on Mandarin, "that allows us to incorporate the whole pantheon of villains. The whole 10 Rings thing in IM 1 was a good tease for it," muses over the possibility of a female villain, and confirms that #2 will focus on the aftermath of Tony's "I am Iron Man," statement. Best of all, Favreau says that things are coming together smoothly with "fewer casting issues" than the first round, so I imagine we will start getting casting notices soon, and with that, an idea of what villains ol' Tony will face. Oh wait. Here's one last piece of food for thought from Favs: "Sam Rockwell could've been a cool Tony if not RDJ."

Well, there you have it, another Phile entry. I wanted to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, but who knows if they'll be a Phile then. I have to wait to hear what AOL sticks it with. In the meantime, the next entry will be on the 9th, then the 16th, the 23rd (which is Jen and my anniversary) and the last one on the 30th before AOL kicks me off. So, spread the word, not the turd, phaithful readers, and we'll see what happens. Peace.











Into the valleys, the shadow of death, griefs silently it's in you and me, it's in you and me...






































 










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