Thursday, January 31, 2008

I'll Bet You'll Vote Next Time Hippie

Hey there, welcome to the Peverett, he web's most updated blog. Tuesday here in Florida, they had the primary . . . Rudy Giuliani came in third. Third place. Tough night. During his speech, that actress Sean Young started yelling, “Get on with it! Get on with it!” John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut. It was my wife's birthday as well on Tuesday and she went out and voted. I 
don't know who she voted for, but if Keith Urban was running... John McCain did very well yesterday — winning in Florida. Who says there’s no country for old men?
Mitt Romney has plans to stop McCain’s momentum. He’s going to take the tennis balls off of McCain’s walker. President Bush gave his State of Union address earlier this week. Wasn’t it great? I found it very moving, so inspiring, so . . . no one watched it? I didn’t watch it either. This is the last time Bush with give this speech. It was like a farewell, special edition of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.” I’m getting cocky for someone who is not yet a citizen. Aren’t I? Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And, insiders believe, as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it. Today Britney Spears was taken back to the hospital. If she keeps this up, she would almost beat me in hospital visits. Scientists say a satellite will come crashing down to earth. It weighs 200 tons, full of gas. Oh, wait a minute, that's just 
my stomach.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida... that's not ripping Letterman off, is it? This week's top ten list is
Top Ten Least Popular "Bucket List" Items
10. Party with those babes from "The Golden Girls"
9. Join the "Mile High Club" by myself
8. Attend Magic fantasy camp
7. Beat a paternity test on an episode of "Maury"
6. Determine which is Siegfried and which is Roy
5. Brunch with Regis
4. Share a burger with Hasselhoff
3. Fried rat -- sorry, that's the least popular KFC Bucket item
2. Take a dead dude to the bank to cash his check
And the number one least popular 'bucket list' item...
1. Purchase a bucket

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What did one vampire lesbian say to the other? A: "Same time next month?"
Q: What do you call a masterbating cow? A: Beef stroganoff.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A: His wife died.
Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Juan.

THE WORST CHOICES FOR SUPER BOWL HALF TIME SHOWS

Sting Super Bowl XXXVII, 2003 Buccaneers Vs. Raiders
The only thing that gets fans less fired up than watching a 125-pound British guy sing about fields of gold is watching a 125-pound British guy with one name sing about fields of gold. That, and "Roxanne."
Phil Collins Super Bowl XXXIV, 2000 Rams Vs. Titans
Hey, he's the guy who brought us soft-pop shitbombs like 'Sussudio' and recently penned the soundtrack to the decade's most mind-numbingly stupid children's film, Brother Bear, right?
John Goodman Super Bowl XXXI, 1997 Packers Vs. Patriots
Goodman performed as part of the new Blues Brothers, an outfit that specialized in pissing on the grave of the late, beloved John Belushi. If there's one thing those slobs don't like, it's Dan from Rosanne dishonoring Bluto from Animal House. But you can never accuse the halftime promoters of doing anything half way. They also got professional-Belushi-legacy-ruiner Jim Belushi in on the performance. Not only was this one of the worst Super Bowl halftime shows, it may have been the worst musical performance ever.
Enrique Iglesias Super Bowl XXXIV, 2000 Rams vs. Titans
Heterosexual men hate Enrique Iglesias with a ferocity that is actually visible if the weather is cold enough. Not only does he make women everywhere slip off their chairs by passing within a one-mile radius of a television camera, he flaunted his power by making out with whomever the most sexually repressed men were jacking off to that month. While Snopes claims that the statistic about the Super Bowl being a second Christmas for wife beaters isn't true, we wouldn't be surprised if it was true for this particular one.
Diana Ross Super Bowl XXX, 1996 Cowboys Vs.Steelers
If there's one thing that people from Dallas and Pittsburgh have in common, it's that they'd rather get shot in the kneecap with a crossbow than listen to "Endless Love" between halves.
New Kids on the Block Super Bowl XXV, 1991 Giants Vs. Bills
You can figure out why the New Kids were a bad match for the gridiron. What's amazing is that the people who scheduled the damn show knew it was a bad idea, too. CBS didn't even show the halftime show that year, opting instead to air an edited-down version after the broadcast. Instead they showed news about the first war in Iraq. Take a moment to let that sink in. These days, the News doesn't even show news about the war in Iraq. It's admirable and all, but so are a lot of things that will get you fired so quickly you'll leave behind a hat spinning in midair. This marked the beginning of the, "Honestly we stopped giving a fuck" era of halftime show programming.
*N'SYNC Super Bowl XXXV, 2001 Giants Vs. Ravens
If there's one thing a guy from Baltimore can't stand, it's a teenager with frosted tips and a denim vest who makes more money in one day than his entire union has in its pension fund. The show did manage some excitement: *N'SYNC started the show by sprinting out of the tunnel, looking over their shoulders like they were being chased. For that brief, glorious moment, football fans were free to imagine that Tony Siragusa had caught the unmistakable scent of Axe body spray, and was going to burst out of the tunnel, run them down at the 20 yard line and eat them alive on national television. Instead, a gaggle of screaming teenage girls came running after them. I'm not sure what happened next because I lost consciousness.
Gloria Estefan Super Bowl XXVI, 1992 Redskins Vs. Bills
Gloria Estefan is what you would get if the Taco Bell chihuahua impregnated Celine Dion. This halftime show was so bad that it was nearly beat in the ratings by a live episode of "In Living Color". The next year the NFL spent millions of dollars to get Michael Jackson to perform, vowing to never again stake their claim on a washed-up soft-rock has-been like Estefan.
Gloria Estefan, again Super Bowl XXXIII, 1999 Broncos Vs. Falcons
The above scenario is really the only explanation I could come up with.

JANUARY 31ST IN HISTORY

1945
Private Eddie Slovik is the first U.S. soldier to be shot for desertion since the Civil War.
1950
President Truman gives the go-ahead for the development of Edward Teller's hydrogen bomb.
1961
The United States sends its first space monkey into space, Ham the chimpanzee. His Mercury/Redstone 2 achieves an altitude of 158 miles.
1974
Ted Bundy commits what is sometimes regarded as his first murder, Lynda Ann Healy, a 21 year old senior at the University of Washington. Her skull is not found until a year later. By the time he was executed, Bundy had committed nearly 30 murders, mostly women with dark long hair. It is believed that he may have murdered as early as 1961, when he was 15, but proof is at best circumstantial.
1989
Copies of the March Playboy with LaToya Jackson posing with... snakes! hit the newsstands. She also has a snake tattoo. Face it, the lady really really likes snakes.

R.I.P.

Christian Brando: Thrown to the lions.
Suharto: He knew first-hand what the rest of us learned from Johnny Cash — it's tough being a boy named Suharto.
Jeremy Beadle:
John, George, and now Jeremy. So sad.

GEEK TALK

Looks like J.J. Abrams does plan to go all "Wonder Years" for his Star Trek flick! Coming Soon reports that 11-year-old (about to be 12) Jimmy Bennett has landed a role as Young Kirk in Abrams' upcoming Star Trek film, due out at Christmas. Bennett has played a little kid in films like Hostage, Firewall, Poseidon and Evan Almighty. A young Spock will also be featured, leading this writer to believe both characters will appear in the film and talk about how much they "like, like" Winnie Cooper. Fingers crossed. The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed (what was already previously reported) that New Line is in talks with Platinum Dunes to re-launch the franchise that helped secure their name as one of the big players in town, A Nightmare on Elm Street. Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form will produce, and a writer will be hired once the strike comes to an end. Since it's a full-out re-do, expect Robert Englund to not play Freddy Krueger, though we imagine he'll still have a role in the film (perhaps as part of Freddy's family). God bless the guy they get to fill his shoes; he'll have to convince tons of hardcore fans that he's the real deal. Dunes and New Line are also prepping a re-launch of the Friday the 13th franchise, with Marcus Nispel directing. And finally, though it's not really a fanboy film (but I needed one more thing to throw in here, so cut me some slack), Moviehole reports that director Phillip Noyce has officially dropped out of that planned Amelia Earhart biopic starring Hilary Swank. MH spoke with Noyce, who gave the following reason for his departure: "I had worked on Amelia for 5 months from July to end of December 2007, finding all the locations and extensively storyboarding the flying sequences - When it didn't appear that the film was going ahead, I had to make a painful decision to move on and returned to a project that had long fascinated me... Mary Queen of Scots. Scarlett Johansson will play Mary in a film to be shot on location in Scotland, England and Ireland during 2008." Apparently Swank is still attached to the film, which we all thought was moving ahead as planned (script issues, maybe), so I'll keep you updated and let you know what happens.

MOVIE BUZZ

Rambo 5
Producer Harvey Weinstein says he wants Sly to make another sequel immediately because he loves the idea of an "older guy kicking ass." It will find Our Hero in a nursing home, taking on a gang of teenage punks who are stealing the senior citizens' gruel.
Quantum of Solace
The neat behind-the-scenes video shows 007 Daniel Craig swinging from a rope at a construction site. If that guy ever wants to tackle another franchise, he's definitely a lock for Tarzan.
The Hobbit
Guillermo del Toro is officially in talks to helm the back-to-back LOTR prequels, even though he's stated that he also really wants to direct the final Harry Potter. They should just combine the two franchises. Gandalf could take over Hogwart's from dead Dumbledore. Who could tell the difference, anyway?
Marvel Zombies
The comic-book company is going to produce a direct-to-DVD 'toon in which their biggest heroes, such as Spider-Man and the Hulk, turn into the flesh-eating undead. Hmmm. I wonder if the Hulk's green skin tastes minty?
Yes Man
Check out thee crazy pictures of Jim Carrey bungee jumping. If he keeps insisting on doing all his own stunts, he's going to be harder to insure for a movie than Lindsay Lohan.
Shutter
In the trailer for this Americanized remake of a Hong Kong horror flick, Joshua Jackson starts seeing ghosts in the photos he takes. Man, and I thought I had a problem with the dang red eye in all of my photos.
Hell Ride
Quentin Tarantino's latest producing effort, a grindhouse style flick about a biker gang, has been getting uniformly bad reviews at the Sundance Film Festival, and the video of Q.T. attacking a paparazzi outside of a Starbucks. Actually, he was just pissed off about getting caught drinking a wussy drink like a nonfat latte.
Burn After Reading
The first official promo picture from Joel and Ethan Coen's upcoming comedy shows star George Clooney enjoying himself in a movie theater. The way he's cackling like a madman, they must be showing his ER haircut reel.

Well, there you go, phans. The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which I will be watching and praying that the Giants win. I had such a great time at the FX Show last week (you can read my review of it on the Peverett Phile Myspace page) that I am excited about Magacon on the second weekend of March (the same weekend as the Diney Bowl-A-Thon I'll be taking part in). I want to hit 4000 views by Easter at the end of March, so let everybody know to read the Phile, and I am planning on getting my next tattoo by Valentine's Day. What else? Oh, check out the Foghat.com site as well as Myspace.com/foghatmusic when you get a chance. Until next time, have a good week, and spread the word not the turd. Peace!

























 



















Thursday, January 24, 2008

Who Gives A Shit? '08

The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! I am sorry, I am just excited that the New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl thanks to NY Tymes. Welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog, coming to you from overcast Groveland, Florida Here in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican primary. They’ve got one week to make sure the voting machines don’t work. The government announced that some voters will be allowed to vote online. That’s going to be a tough choice: democracy or porn . . . democracy or porn. Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama were really going at one another Monday night. John Edwards looked like the moderator on “Family Feud.” During the argument, security guards had to be brought in, and you could hear Hillary Clinton screaming, “Don’t Tase me, bro!” Barack's new campiagn slogan is now Bros Before Hoes. Fred Thompson has dropped out of the race. He spent all day packing the bags under his eyes. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Fred Thompson was in the race?” John McCain’s team is heading to Florida to get ready for the primary. Hillary Clinton’s team is going there so they can get an early start for Bill on Spring Break. Oliver Stone is going to make a movie about our current president. It’s going to called “Bush.” I think I saw that already. I saw it in a hotel room accidentally. Six times. Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Fla. They had a big Martin Luther King Day parade there. Even though he didn’t fit in at all, he made himself at home. In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people. Bill Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary, and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he’s exhausted. How about that Mitt Romney? Republicans say that he may be too good-looking to be running. He looks like a closer at a Cadillac dealership. He looks like he should be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. He looks like the stock photo that comes with the frame. And finally, archaeologists have discovered a 100,000-year-old skull. C’mon! Can you believe that? It looks like me after a day at work.

THE PEVERETT PHILE'S TOP TEN LIST

Top Ten Slogans For the New Driverless Car

10. "You're In Good Hands With...Oh, Actually, Allstate Won't Insure This Car. Sorry"
9. "We're A Lawsuit Waiting To Happen"
8.  "Car, Where's My Dude?"
7. "We Stand Behind Our New Driverless Cars"
6. "Hasselhoff Sold Separately"
5. "What Could Go Wrong?"
4. "Spears Tested, Spears Approved"
3. "From The Same Folks Who Brought You The 'Electric Shower Cap'"
2. "It's Safer Than Billy Joel"
1. "Look Out!"

R.I.P.
 
John Stewart: There's people out there turning you into gold, buddy.
Suzanne Pleshette: Did they really expect us to believe that someone this hot would be married to Bob Newhart? Yeah, right.
Bobby Fischer: Looks like checkmate, you fucking psycho.
Heath Ledger: Talk about a real DARK NIGHT.

JANUARY 24TH IN HISTORY

41
Roman emperor Caligula is assassinated by his bodyguards.
1908
The first Boy Scout troop is organized in England by its founder, Robert Baden-Powell. He enjoyed watching the boys swim naked, and as a hobby he collected photographs of them.
1978
The nuclear-powered Soviet Cosmos 954 satellite plunges through Earth's atmosphere and disintegrates, scattering radioactive debris over parts of Canada's Northwest Territories. Much of the satellite lands in the Great Slave Lake; only about 1% of the radioactive material is recovered.
1986
Crackpot and founder of the fraudulent Scientology movement, L. Ron Hubbard dies. His bad science fiction writing has grown alarmly prolific in the years since his death.
1989
Ted Bundy put to death in the Electric Chair for the murder of Kimberly Leach, after ten years trying to appeal. Here is a post-mortem picture of the burns on Bundy's head.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

This is the same phile as 'Florida Is Ass Backwards' with a brand new name! A Volusia County nursing home resident who was found with maggots in one of his eyes, an infected breathing tube, a partially inserted cathater and bed sores has died, according to his family. Anthony Digiannurio, of Deltona, was 82 years old when he was transported in November from the University Center West nursing home to Florida Hospital DeLand, where staff members discovered the ailments. It is not known if the cause of death was related to the aforementioned conditions. According to a DeLand police report released in November, a representative from University Center West said that the man had constant care from multiple hospice workers and two certified nursing aides at the nursing home. Officials from the state Department of Children and Families were investigating the incident. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has found 19 deficiencies at the facility since June 2006.

MOVIES THAT LIED TO US

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
What it Led Us to Believe: 1) That if we ate enough chocolate, we'd not only get to see how chocolate is made (by happy singing slaves in a wonderland of make-believe), but we'd become KING OF CHOCOLATE. 2) Only dumb slobs and spoiled brats have to work regular jobs; if you're really a good kid, you'll end up with the job of your dreams. If you don't...well, apparently you're just not a very good kid.
3) But the most important message? Take candy from strange men. The Cold, Hard Truth: Willy Wonka would have long ago been run out of business and imprisoned, if not for sweat shop practices or scaring the shit out of a boat full of kids with footage of a dead chicken, then at the very least for the hygienic complications of letting a fat kid wallow around in the chocolate reservoir. Another Cold, Hard Truth? There is no such thing as a chocolate reservoir. The candy you eat is made of chemicals with names like Maltodextrin and Calcium Stearate that ooze out of gray plastic tubes and get handled by listless workers who despise you for being middle class. Eat enough of it and all you get is fat. "Fun Size" indeed. Even the real-world attempt at producing Willy Wonka-brand candy has resulted in nothing more promising than Nerds, Spree, and an "Everlasting Gobstopper" that lasts about eight minutes. Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film: Little people enjoy working long hours for no pay, and most of them have candy on their person. An unnatural aversion to film of chickens being decapitated. Lick enough wallpaper and you'll eventually find the Snozzberry.

NUTTED BY REALITY

In the end, "The Amazing Race 12" came down to the final Roadblock task. And ultimately, while there was tension as the teams tried to complete it and then raced to their final series of clues, the presence of three likable teams in the final leg meant that any outcome would have been satisfactory, and that the final leg would be pretty much without significant drama. “This is so unfair!” Jen cried in a flashback at the beginning of the episode. I agree: Why do I have to listen to her again even though she’s been eliminated? Sentences that did not end in references to pot, but would have been funnier if they did: “I really think every team as its way to be successful, and for us, it’s definitely…,” TK said. “It’s been proven time and time again how important it is for TK and I to…,” Rachel said. When the teams read “Ship Creek Boat Launch” on their clue, it sounded like they all said “Shit Creek Boat Launch.” And the creek definitely looked like a place that should be called Shit Creek. Has Phil always been a corny wordsmith, or is he just being a lot more cheesy these days? “Teams without fast hands could find themselves in a pinch,” he said of a crab-related challenge. “Just get out of my way; I am not very good with knives,” Ron told Christina as he filleted a fish. Seconds later she shrieked, but she did not get stabbed; instead, she found the clue among the fish’s guts. Nick and Don screwed up, forgetting to pick up a bag of gear when they picked up their clue, and they had one of their first real fights. “Your hindsight is always 20/20,” Nick said. “You read the clue but you didn’t understand it, so we’re [fucked?],” his grandfather said. “We’ve come a long way since leg one,” Christina said. Perhaps, but now you owe us all $150/hour for having to listen to you describe your relationship problems all season. Speaking of tension, TK became animated for the first time all season and started berating a cab driver. “Can we go there fast?” TK asked, aggressively. “My god, are you kidding me? We need another taxi, or we need to get there.” Twenty-three minutes into the episode, the interviews with Ron and Christina showed them both with beaming, bright smiles, and since those are obviously taped at the end of each leg, their win seemed eminent. But no! They were just happy losers. “I’d be there for a fucking year,” Don said of the final Roadblock, expressing what I was thinking exactly. It was one of those reality show challenges I find impossible even while watching from my couch, and I’m not stressing out, trying to win $1 million. One member of each team had to select one object from each leg of the race and place it on a platform, but using certain criteria. Thus, I can’t make fun of Christina, Rachel, or Nicolas for their missteps, and that they all finished was impressive enough. Whoever writes the clues really needs to get over their unnecessary capitalization habit and exclamation point fetish. The final clue read, “This is it!!! Take a taxi to Girdwood Airport and run to the Finish Line. Hurry!!!! GO, GO, GO!!!!!” I’m sure the teams wouldn’t have run fast if it hadn’t been for those exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “We won’t be disappointed if we come in second. I learned a lot, you know, how to become a better person,” Ron said. Well, congrats on that, because second place it was. Alaska’s a beautiful place, but the best locatin the producers could find for the finish line was a dirt airport covered with weeds? Seriously? TK and Rachel landed on the mat first, and TK said, “None of this even seems real. It’s kinda freaking me out.” Oh, TK, you make this too easy. Anyway, their win is terrific, as a win by a low-key, non-confrontational team is long overdue.

IDIOT'S LANTERN

John Ritter's widow Amy Yasbeck is suing two doctors who treated her husband before his death in 2003. She is suing for the potential earnings of the show he starred in before his death, "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter". I'm kind of ambivalent regarding this lawsuit. On one hand, the death of a loved one is always a tough time and my heart always goes out to anybody who lost someone special in their lives. On the other hand, we have too many frivolous lawsuits in this country and suing a couple of doctors isn't going to bring John Ritter back. Doctors are human and make mistakes. John Ritter had a congenital heart defect that multiple doctors missed. This lawsuit will only drive up everybody's health insurance costs. The Ritter family has already received $14 million in settlements, including $9 million from the hospital in which he died. At the risk of sounding heartless, I think it's time for Mrs. Ritter to let go.

GEEK TALK

In the midst of all the speculation regarding the big-screen version of Watchmen, the musical score probably wasn't all that high on the list -- but it can be just as important. As any moviegoer knows, sometimes the music can make or break a movie (for a good example of how music can ruin a flick, look no further than The Perfect Storm or The Last Samurai). ComingSoon.net is reporting that Tyler Bates has been signed to compose the score for the film. As any fan-boy can tell you, Watchmen is Zack Snyder's adaptation of Alan Moore and David Gibbons classic graphic novel. The story is set in a fictional New York in the 80s where "masked vigilantes" have affected the events of everything from the Vietnam War to Watergate. Over the last year, the rumors flew fast and furious about the cast until Malin Akerman, Billy Crudup, Matthew Goode, Jackie Earle Haley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Patrick Wilson were all officially announced. Tyler Bates started his career back in 1993, when he wrote the music for a sci-fi B-movie called Blue Flame. By 1997, he had already released his own album with his band Pet, but the album failed to become a hit and he has been in the movie business ever since. Bates has a long standing relationship with director Zack Snyder, having done the score for 300 and Dawn of the Dead. Snyder was quoted as saying that Baker's Bates' score for 300, "...moves the film into mythology cauterizing the images as you view them, making them something they could never be alone." So, I guess he is looking for the same kind of magic for the equally mythic story of Watchmen.

MOVIE BUZZ

Cloverfield 2
Matt Reeves is already giddy with excitement talking about sequel possibilities, including an idea to make another film of the same monster attack from the POV of another NYC resident. Let's hope that the next victim owns a tripod.
Bush
Controversial liberal director Oliver Stone says his upcoming biopic of George W. Bush starring Josh Brolin as the Commander-in-Chief will answer the question, "How did Bush go from an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?" Easy! Get Javier Bardem to co-star as Karl Rove and have him threaten folks with a cattle gun to vote for Dubya.
Star Trek
The first teaser trailer is online, as well as a new viral site where you have to adjust different video screens to watch shipbuilders welding the Enterprise together. It's nice to know that even in the future, surveillance cameras are still blurry and useless.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
There's a first batch of promo photos from the upcoming sequel, in which we get pictures of a lion, dwarves and guys in funny outfits performing acrobatics. Imagine, putting together a movie and a Cirque du Soleil show at the same time!
By Any Means Necessary
Now that Ben Affleck is a hot director, Ryan Gosling is expected to take over the role of Jack Ryan in a new film based on Tom Clancy's spy guy. So if Gosling's going to take Ben's sloppy seconds, is he gonna have to date J. Lo at some point, too?
The Incredible Hulk
William Hurt, who's co-starring as Gen. Thunderbolt Ross, spilled the beans that he did in fact film a crossover scene with Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. Looks like the jolly green giant and ol' shellhead have to team up to fight a new villain: the dreaded Spoiler!
Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?
The film clip shows Super Size Me director Morgan Spurlock's getting advice on what to do if he gets kidnapped by the Taliban while searching for the notorious terror mastermind. Suddenly, sitting at home eating hamburgers all day long doesn't sound like such a bad idea, now does it?
Watchmen
Director Zack Snyder has posted two storyboard pages that translates his vision for the film into juvenile chicken scratches. If I knew crude drawings like that could be the basis for a multi-million dollar film, I wouldn't have thrown out the handmade comics I drew on construction paper when I was in grade school.
What Happens in Vegas
Ashton Kutcher really has it rough in the trailer. He has to pretend to be in a happy marriage with Cameron Diaz in order to be awarded $3 million. Like that's really difficult. Having to pretend to be married to Rosie O'Donnell? Now that would be a challenge.
Choke
Director Clark Gregg introduces the clip featuring star Sam Rockwell picking up chicks at a sex-addict meeting. Now that would be a fun role to do research for.
Sleepwalking
In the trailer, AnnaSophia Robb stars as a teenager traumatized by her flighty mother, Charlize Theron. What's the kid complaining about? She could have had it a whole lot worse. She could have been raised by Aileen Wuornos, Charlize's character from Monster.

Yeah, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Tomorrow I am going to FX '08, the sci-fi convention, so I will posting a blog and hopefully pics on the Phile's Myspace site (Myspace.com/peverettphile.). Until next week, spread the word, not the turd.



































Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Greatest Blog On Earth

Welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. So, last week weekend we went to the circus. Not just any ole circus, but the mother of all circus's. Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey. It was so much fun and the elephants pooped! Disney World, where I work, has been pretty slow this time of year, with mostly Brazilians and Hasidic Jews. Rio de Janeiro and Long Island must be empty right about now. Yesterday my son Logan lost one of his front teeth. He actually pulled it out of his mouth by himself. I cry when an eye lash falls out. Anyway, the tooth fairy came and left him ten bucks. I am thinking about knocking out my two front teeth and seeing how much I get for them. Actually, when I lost my two front teeth, kids in school called me Alfred E. Newman. Eddie Murphy has announced he’s separated from his wife. He’s been married for only 15 days! I guess he couldn’t get past the fact that she was a woman. David Spade is having a baby with a Playboy playmate. Miss March. In a few months, she’ll be sporting a tiny, whiny, crying thing around . . . then the baby will be born, and she’ll move on. Archaeologists have found the remains of a 40-million-year-old giant rodent. It was as tall as a human, with a head like a beaver. I once went out with a woman who had a huge beaver that smelt like it was 40-million-years old. Okay, that's just plain sick!!! If I seem like I’m off my game on this blog, I want you to know it has nothing to do with the fact that I spent last weekend with Jessica Simpson. “American Idol” premiered Tuesday night. Apparently, it was the lowest rated premier in four years. Only 85 billion people watched last night. Poor Ryan Seacrest — they’re saying he’s going to have to get his tips frosted at Super Cuts now. I like the bad singers better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered that’s already a show, called “Judge Judy.” Oprah's getting her own TV network. It’s going to be called Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN. Which is appropriate: She owns everything. The network will start small, then it will expand, it will get really good, then it will get small again then large, then small. Then it will start dating Stedman but always seen with Gayle. The Michigan primary was a few days ago. John McCain was wearing the same green sweatshirt that he wore during his win in New Hampshire. Not to be outdone, Hillary was wearing the same jockstrap. It’s not a great week for OJ Simpson. You know, America’s favorite murdering running back. Ole Stabby Simpson. He’s back in jail. He violated his probation. He made an illegal phone call. That guy is an idiot. 
Congratulations to Nicole Ritchie. She gave birth to a daughter over the weekend. She weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces. I don’t know how much the kid weighed. Chelsea Clinton is doing a series of Q&As at campuses across the country. Apparently she wants to target the college female demographic. Just like her dad. Clay Aiken is about to do the play "Spamalot" on Broadway. "I thought Monty Python was a person until three months ago," Aiken said. He probably thinks Marshall Tucker is a lawman, too. Rock 'n' roll pioneer Ike Turner's death last month at age 76 was caused by a cocaine overdose, the San Diego County Medical Examiner's office said Wednesday. Surprise, surprise. Finally, why don't they build a bridge from America to England?

JANUARY 17TH IN HISTORY

1899
Al Capone's birthday.
1950
Seven men wearing halloween masks rob the Brink's office in Boston of $1.2M cash, and $1.5M securities. One of the robbers confesses to the job in 1953, eleven days before the statute of limitations was to expire.
1961
President Eisenhower warns us of the evils of the "military industrial complex". Did we listen carefully enough?
1966
An American B-52 collides with its tanker aircraft during refueling over the town of Palomares, Spain. Seven crewmembers are killed in the resulting jet fuel explosion. Also, three 10-megaton hydrogen bombs crash near the town. Although none of them detonates, two rupture, scattering powdered plutonium over 558 acres of farmland. The USA hauls away 1,600 tons of soil and tomato plants and disposes of them in Aiken, South Carolina.
1977
After refusing appeals and demanding his death sentence, double murderer Gary Gilmore is given a hood and shot by a Utah Firing Squad in the first U.S. execution in ten years.
1994
The massive "Northridge Earthquake" strikes Los Angeles, producing a ground pulse far greater than its 6.7 magnitude would indicate. It causes 61 deaths and damages reaching $20 billion. The quake is by far the most expensive cataclysm in U.S. history.
1995
One year after the Northridge quake in California, a large 7.2 quake strikes Kobe Japan, killing 5,090, leaving 1.5 million homeless, and causing damage of approximately $200 billion dollars. It is the most destructive quake in Japan since the 1923 Kanto disaster.
2003

My sister Lucy gave birth to Jonah.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

Bad news for Coco and Blinko -- children don't like clowns and even older kids are scared of them. The news that will no doubt have clowns shedding tears was revealed in a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards. The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary. "As adults we make assumptions about what works for children," said Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in research at the university. "We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable." Stephen King and my wife were right.

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

Borrowing heavily from Keith Olbermann here is Florida in a nutshell. It‘s the state brought us count, recount, the pregnant, dimpled, hanging, and regular chads, Katherine Harris, Bush v. Gore itself. The state that brought the midnight raid of Elian Gonzales. The state that brought us Schiavo saga and it‘s the state the brings us more crazy new that is we can shake a run down at. It‘s Florida! Nine hundred-miles of gator taping, doctor shopping, tiger groping, mullet wearing, kitty snatching, Virgin Mary sandwich selling COUNTDOWN contributors. When network news anchors want to get whipped around in a storm, they head to Florida. When Vanilla Ice loses his wallaroo, which state does he lose it in? Florida. When dumb criminals with dumb hairdos get drunk and ride scooters, where does it happen? Florida. When are Fidel Castro gets crank called, whose on the line? Florida. Car chases, blowed up bridges, alligators, sharks, manatees and even Tarzan‘s tiger, Florida. Our most favoritest peninsula in the whole wide world including Rangaparoa (ph) Peninsula in New Zealand. Rudy Giuliani badly needs to win Florida - but that doesn't mean he'll risk jinxing his hometown team. At a campaign stop in this southwest Florida town on Monday, the Republican presidential candidate refused to autograph a white Green Bay Packers cap. The New York Giants face the Packers in the NFC championship game this weekend. "No, I won't sign that," the former New York City mayor says as he scribbles his name on a series of placards and papers. He has been spending almost every day here before Florida's Jan. 29 primary as it's his best chance to win a state before the Feb. 5 Super Tuesday contests. "Oh, please," a man is heard pleading in the videotaped encounter posted on Fox News' Web site. "No, no, no. That would be bad luck right now," Giuliani insists, almost recoiling from the green-emblazoned cap. "I'll sign it afterward." A man barks back: "Sign it now." But Giuliani wouldn't budge. "No." Smiling, he kept signing everything else.

R.I.P.

Richard Knerr, co-founder of the toy company that popularized the Hula Hoop, Frisbee and other fads that became classics: Was it a slow death, or did it just come upon him like WHAM-O?
Brad Renfro:
Now he really is in Ghost World.

MOVIES THAT LIED TO US

Labyrinth
What it Led Us to Believe: 1) That if we ever get stuck babysitting our bratty younger sibling, a simple evocation of the goblin horde will not only rid us of her, but introduce us to a number of amusing muppet friends. 2) The kidnappers we've been constantly warned about by our parents aren't really a threat, as they are easily identified by their sequin-covered cravats and habit of singing about Dance Magic.
3) Babies are an easily-avoided burden. 4) Life's challenges are rarely more frightening than a maze filled with felt, and when you get to the end you get the chance to bone the guy that wrote "Major Tom." The Cold, Hard Truth: Kids that try and evoke the Goblin Horde don't get valuable lessons in responsibility; they get put under professional supervision by child psychologists. Labyrinth's female protagonist would have been charged with child endangerment, criminal negligence, and putting a rift in the fabric of reality. Worse, all the muppet friends she (and by proxy, we) fell in love with are nothing more than inanimate heaps of laundry being wiggled around by a middle-aged guy who makes a living putting his hands up fake asses. Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film: Learning to contact juggle crystal spheres will make your the coolest kid in school. There is a secret world of magic and wonder, and if we're good enough, we'll get to see it. The Dark Crystal was awesome.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What do you call two skunks who are 69-ing? A: Odor eaters.
Q: How do you get a retarded kid to kill himself? A: Give him a knife and then ask him who’s special.

NUTTED BY REALITY

The penultimate episode of "The Amazing Race 12" gave us something we haven’t had in a long time: A final three without a real villain. The editors and story producers have been playing up each team’s deficiencies (to the point where it now seems like they’re just reusing the same footage since the teams say the same things each week), and now we know why. There isn’t really someone to root against in the final three, which was revealed on Sunday’s episode, so instead of tension born of ugly personalities or interpersonal conflict, we’ll have tension from life lessons. At the start of the penultimate episode, Nate said that he and Jen were going to get serious. “We’re like the Incredible Hulk. All the sudden we’re just gonna explode and tear our shirts off and, just, everyone’s going to be, Whoa!, and say, Watch out for Jen and Nate.” Because he’s crazy. For some reason, Nicolas decided to declare that everyone wasn’t masculine enough for his tastes—including himself. “We’ve been playing the game like bitches so far, and so has everyone else. No competitors are left; there’s a bunch of pansies in the game,” he said. Nate said, “Jen and I know absolutely nothing about Taiwan, except, we think Thai food’s pretty good.” That’s so dumb it doesn’t even deserve mocking, but I think he actually might have been kidding, since he looked and Jen and sort of smirked before the editors cut away. “Do you see anything up here?” TK said. Did you notice your camera operator turning around and filming the clue box right as you walked by it? Clearly not. I still can’t believe how teams manage to miss their camera operators’ clues. “I just can’t believe you’re being this mean to me on my birthday; I haven’t even done anything,” Jen said, as if they’re nice to each other on the 363 days that it’s not one of their birthdays. One of the questions I’m most frequently asked about "The Amazing Race" is whether or not teams have to go through immigration, since we hardly every see that. They do, waiting in long lines with everyone else, which is boring and that’s why it doesn’t make it on TV. But we saw them in line this week when three teams bunched up at immigration (even though TK and Rachel arrived on a different flight). TK’s competitors have some weird fetishistic thing about his body hair. “I wanna rip those dreads out of his head,” Jen said. I’ll give her that one, since that would be a violent, painful action used to express anger or frustration. But I don’t get Nicolas’ fantasy about TK’s hair, although whatever works for him is fine. “I really want to shave his beard off,” he said. Introducing the Roadblock, which involved riding in two awesome but ultimately innocuous stunt cars, Phil decided that the thrill wasn’t enough. “If they’re still alive when it’s over, they’ll receive their next clue,” he said. Maybe he’s on to something with this life-or-death thing. Next season, maybe failing a task should result in death; that’d increase ratings more than just pretending it’s true. Speaking of danger, the Speedbump required TK and Rachel to run through a field of fireworks being shot at them, which actually seemed like great fun, especially since they were wearing protective gear and helmets. Jen and Nick aren’t the only ones paying attention to their competition’s heads. “I saw Nick’s big head coming around the corner, and I was the most fired up I’ve been on this race,” TK said. “I just don’t understand why we’re working so hard. TK and Rachel just slack off and they caught up to us. It’s stupid.” Well, Jen, that’s because you only work hard at being a horrible person. “You need to step up and make the decisions, because I can’t anymore,” Jen said. “I’m just saying you need to make the decision right now. Please, you’re the man.” She didn’t say that last part like “You the man!” but instead like, “Your penis wields powers that my vagina can only dream about, so decision-making is up to you!” However, Nate was not happy about letting his decision-making penis spring into action and decide to take a bus, so before they boarded, he screamed, “Honestly, Jen, I can’t stand you. All you do is freak out!” After insisting that they take a subway instead of a cab, which turned out to not be the best idea, Jen pretended she hadn’t just done what she’d just done, trying to blame it on Nate. “You’re the one who said, subway, subway, subway!” he said. “Oh, I said that?” she responded, incredulously. Moments later, she said, “Thanks a lot for ruining my freakin’ birthday.” Her boyfriend said, “You make it impossible not to.” Ah, love. Arriving at the Roadblock, Jen said, “We need to stay positive right now.” Well, now we have a good example for the dictionary entry of “too late, too late, idiot.” Despite being three hours behind and having a Speedbump task to complete, TK and Rachel arrived at the pit stop in second place, giving conflict-averse people a team to cheer on. “Anybody who says we didn’t try or we got lucky or whatever, we’ve been trying our very hardest all day,” Rachel insisted. Ron and Christina arrived in first, again, after being very far ahead of everyone for most of the day. After some tense editing, Nicolas and his grandfather arrived at the pit stop in third place, sending them on to the finale, and Jen and Nate home. “Fudge,” Nate said. “I think that we killed our relationship along the way,” Jen realized while they were standing alone in a giant plaza. Had they not been so abrasive for the past 11 episodes, I might have actually been touched by their subsequent displays of emotion and realizations about their focus on the game instead of their relationship. But instead I just touched the delete button on my DVR and they left my TV screen for good.

GEEK TALK

Warner Brothers has officially pulled the plug on Justice League of America, according to Variety -- or, to be more precise, put it on hold. Erik Davis alerted us to the possibility earlier this week: the studio had until Tuesday to decide whether to officially green light the project so production could begin this spring for release in Summer 2009. Variety says that the contract options were allowed to lapse for the young cast chosen by director George Miller, which rules out an early start. Now it looks like late summer or fall before the project can get underway. Oddly enough, the cast members were reportedly informed Tuesday night that, while their options had lapsed, the studio still wanted them to play the roles for which they had been cast. Officially, the reasons for the delay are that Warners didn't get an official response on tax breaks they wanted for filming in Australia and that the script by Kieran and Michele Mulroney needed more work, which isn't possible right now because of the writers' strike. The cast members included Adam Brody as The Flash, Megan Gale as Wonder Woman and Armie Hammer Jr. as Batman. The project as a whole has not incited gale forces of enthusiasm so far, so maybe this delay will give everyone a chance to step back and reconsider whether this is really the superhero tent-pole that Warner Brothers wants to make.

MOVIE BUZZ

The Hobbit 2
Elijah Wood claims Peter Jackson has told him via email that the already-planned sequel to the Hobbit will be all-new material and serve as a "bridge" to the LOTR trilogy. Wood's not sure if he'll be in the film, though, since it will feature a younger, hipper Frodo, experimenting with piercing various body parts with his "precious."
Diary of the Dead
Oh, now I get it! The trailer for George Romero's new zombie flick shows that the "diary" is actually a video that documents the rise of the living dead. Hmmm. I thought it was about some teen girl's journal or something, e.g., "Dear Diary: I love Brandon and all, but all he ever wants to do is eat my brains."
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
In the just released picture, Harrison Ford and Shia La Beouf are seen entering a room filled with cobwebs and ancient artifacts. No, it's not a still from the movie. Ford just hired the kid to help him tidy up his garage.
The Bank Job
In the action-filled trailer, Jason Statham stars as a thief who's hired to rob a safety deposit box to steal some dirty pictures of a royal princess performing intimate acts. I hope my wife doesn't see this film. She might hire these guys to find my porn video stash. Just kidding, I don't have a porn stash.
New York, I Love You
After starring in a gazillion Woody Allen films, Scarlett Johansson is going to try her hand behind the camera by directing a segment of this anthology in the vein of Paris, Je T'Aime. It's gonna be about a pervy older dude who stalks a voluptuous starlet.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Hugh Jackman's muttonchopped superhero has finally gotten his nemesis: Liev Schreiber has just been hired to play evil mutant Sabretooth. And if Liev needs any suggestions on how to handle a big hairy dude, he can just ask his girlfriend, King Kong's Naomi Watts.
Dead Already
Guess who wants to be the next big action star? Believe it or not, Dane Cook has eyes on starring in a buddy cop movie that he claims is nothing like anything he's seen before. Funny, I thought the film title referred to his career after Good Luck Chuck.
Tenderness
Russell Crowe is looking pretty retro in the promo photos from his upcoming thriller about a cop convinced that a girl's boyfriend is a serial killer. Let's see: Vicious murderer? Or Crowe's hot temper? The girl might stay with her boyfriend.

There you go, the latest entry of the Phile. The latest goal is to hit 4000 views by Easter which is at the end of March. Until next week, check out the Phile's Myspace page at Myspace.com/peverettphile and Foghat.com where you can buty some cool merch from Loentz's Emporium. Oh, and I still want to do a Peverett Phile t-shirt, so maybe that will be done soon. As always, spread the word, not the turd.

















































Thursday, January 10, 2008

Deuce

Welcome to the Peverett Phile, the internet's most updated blog! This week celebrates 
the Phile's second anniversary. If it was a baby it'll be walking by now, and hopefully potty trained. The start of the terrible two's. Why do they call it the "terrible two's"? Shouldn't it be the terrible two? There's only one two, right? Am I making sense? This Sunday is the big Disney World marathon, where runners run 26.2 miles to get a medallion with Mickey on it. Oh, and bleeding nipples as well. This year instead of running through the four parks, the runners
will be running along 1-4, heading to Haynes City. Did you hear about the 70 car pile up on 1-4, due to a brush fire's smoke and fog? Luckily only four people were killed, but the rest all got tickets for wreckless driving! President George Bush is in Israel right now. He showed up wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke. There's no doubt George Bush is confused — he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman. Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. It was a surprising victory, and today she is denying she used human growth hormone. Political experts and pundits are saying she got a boost by showing actual emotions. She actully showed emotion. And I thought, "Gee . . . I wonder if that could work for me." There's a long way to go. You know there are 50 states now. Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens . . . but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. Bobby Knight, the basketball coach who threw the chair onto the court and I think he's punched some players or something, lightened things up at a press conference by bringing his grandson along. Here's what he said with grandson in hand when a reporter asked, "How big of a win will this be and how big will be the momentum?" "Who knows!?! I don't know any of that stuff. You guys follow all that bullshit." And that was after a win! That wasn't even Angry Bobby. That was Happy Bobby. Britney Spears got a special visit this week. She was in the hospital and guess who showed up? Dr. Phil. People don't realize it, but when you're a celebrity you have to be treated by a celebritydoctor. Just like animals go to an animal doctor . . . I for instance, had my appendix removed by Dr. Dre. Seriously, Dr. Phil is so lucky. His wife let him bring Britney home with him. I wish I could bring Britney home with me. I would even settle for her sister. She is legal, right?

JANUARY 10TH IN HISTORY

1883
A fire at the six-story Newhall Hotel in Milwaukee kills 71 people. Two famous midgets residing there, General Tom Thumb and Commodore Nut, are rescued by firefighters.
1939
Linda Lovelace's birthday. She starred in Deep Throat, the most profitable adult movie in history, and certainly one of the most groundbreaking. Linda's other credits include her first film Dog Fucker, a 1969 film where she gets it on with a German shepherd.
1982
The gayest Hollywood Square, Paul Lynde, dead naked in his West Hollywood home with a bottle of poppers (amyl nitrate, to relax muscles used during anal intercourse) next to the bed. By the next morning, Lynde's mysterious male companion had fled.
1998
German psychologist Heidi Fittkau-Garthe was charged in the Canary Islands with a plot of murder-suicide in which 31 cult followers, including five children, were to ingest poison. After the suicides they were to be picked up by spaceship for an unspecified destination.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

A gang beat and tortured a disabled man to death for sport, a court has heard. Brent Martin died in hospital after being found with multiple injuries on Sunderland's Town End Farm estate in August last year. A youth, aged 17, who cannot be named for legal reasons, denies murdering the 23-year-old, who was found dying next to a parked car.
William Hughes, 21, and a 16-year-old have already admitted Mr Martin's murder, at Newcastle Crown Court. On Tuesday, at the start of the 17-year-old's trial, the court heard that the attack began at a bus stop when he bet £5 that the 16-year-old could not knock out Mr Martin with his right hand. Both youngsters were trained as boxers, and their victim was repeatedly punched, kicked, stamped on and head butted, the jury was told. Prosecutor Toby Hedworth QC said: "That man Brent Martinnever lifted an aggressive finger towards them and they did that to him until he was dead. They did that for their own sport." A post-mortem examination revealed he died from a massive head injury and had suffered at least 18 separate blows to the head and neck. The court heard that the 17-year-old defendant later told witnesses: "I am not going down for a muppet." A 47-year-old woman, the mother of the 16-year-old, is also on trial accused of attempting to pervert the course of justice. She is accused of destroying evidence by washing the blood-stained clothing of her son.

R.I.P.

Sir Edmund Hillary: All together now: Wrong Hillary!

NUTTED BY REALITY

CBS scheduled Sunday’s episode of "The Amazing Race" to start at 8:30 p.m. ET, and while that was a solid step forward in getting the show to actually start on time, it ultimately did not start on time, of course. When the episode finally started, I realized that I am now officially over the following things: 1) Don talking about how old he is and how much stronger and younger his grandson is, 2) Ronald talking about wanting to change for the sake of his relationship with his daughter, 3) Nate and Jen talking about how they need to stop fighting, and 4) TK and Rachel talking about how perfect they are for each other, even in the most dire of situations. Of course, this is the fault of the producers who ask them these questions and the editors who keep including them, but I think it’s one of the reasons I’m rapidly tiring of this season (and the series?). Nearly every episode seems like something we’ve seen before, although there are definite exceptions. Speaking of the editors, Kynt and Vyxsin said in a post-race interview with Reality TV World that their dumb-ass decision to U-Turn the wrong team was a smart decision, at least from their perspective. They knew only of Nate and Jen’s position, and they “were ahead of us,” Kynt says. Vyxsin adds, “The visual contact we had with them was seeing them at the flower stand and seeing them leave ahead of us. So in our minds this is the only team we’ve seen, and the only team we’ve seen is ahead of us.” Of course, Nate and Jen actually fell behind and arrived at the U-Turn later, but while we knew that, they did not, assumingthat other teams were behind them. On to this week’s goth-less episode: “I actually had a fantasy the other night,” Nate said, sounding somewhat like his whole mouth had just been injected with Novocaine, although I think he’s always sounded like that. “If we were running towards the finish line and anyone was in front of us, I was going to throw my bag at their legs and hope that they fall, and us just run past them.” Oh, Nate, your fantasies turn us on. Ron had another 0 to 60 freak-out when a cab driver dropped them off in front of the wrong door at the airport. “I paid him that good money just to walk more?” he said. His daughter threatened him—“Dad, if you keep complaining…”—although he interrupted her before she could actually deliver the threat. TK and Rachel got on a different flight to Japan, and TK said, “We could be way out front, we could be dead last. You just never know.” Well, since the editors included you saying that, we knew that you were dead last, and that was confirmed when they essentially disappeared from three-quarters of the episode. “Anything’s possible on the race,” Don said, and his grandson looked at him and said, “That’s so cliche.” A few minutes later, Don said that Christina is “at some big ‘falutin’ college and everything like that.” Nicolas said, skeptically, “Falutin’” college?” Where has this attitude been all season? It’s long overdue, and makes him seem a lot less like a tool. Jen spent time on the Roadblock admiring her reflection. “I want to know what I look like in this taxi hat,” she said, much to the composer’s dismay. “Do you speak English?” Nick asked a man. “No,” the man said, in English. “I don’t think Japanese helps that much. Driving skills help more,” Christina said, shortly after admitting she only takes public transportation. Sometime during that driving-around-Japan Roadblock, the score included a few notes from “Turning Japanese.” While their partners did the Roadblock, the two old guys stood and waited, Ron sharing his snack with Don. It’s “The Amazing Race: Grumpy Old Men” edition. Old people are funny. “By the way, nobody here speaks English. At all,” Jen said, clearly pissed off. You’d think by this late in the race should would have gotten a handle on this whole different languages in different countries thing. During the Roadblock, Nicolas said, “It’s definitely easier to land a plane than it is to drive in Osaka.” I did a double-take and then checked his CBS bio: He “currently works as an airline pilot based out of San Juan.” This surprises and horrifies me. Ronald and Christina’s taxi driver started wheezing and making weird noises as his mouth dangled open. “I just hope he doesn’t croak on us,” Ron said. Our ever-witty host, Phil Keoghan, was in fine form, describing tasks with such lines as “and teams without a delicate sense of touch might wind up kicking themselves instead of goals” and “teams that can put their olfactories to good use might surprise themselves by quickly sniffing out a winner.” Oh Phil!
Jen said that she and Nate decided to sniff flowers, “‘cause I have a freakin’ nose of a bloodhound.” And the face! That was mean and it’s untrue, but I couldn’t resist.
“Son of a bitch,” Don said, having trouble controlling a robot with a cell phone. I swear those robot soccer players were the funniest things I’ve ever seen. They gyrated, slid from side to side, breakdanced, and even clapped. Some would do funny little hops, and others would fall over dramatically—and that’s to say nothing of their pathetic attempts to kick a goal. I want a whole show with nothing but robot soccer players, and with the writers’ strike, that may just be possible. Searching for a single real flower in a two-story fake flower shop, Jen said, “I was looking up and like, seeing all these colored flowers I thought I was hallucinating like in a Pink Floyd music video or something.” I vote for something. Just as I was assuming that it’s inevitable that Nate and Jen are going to win, Nate said, “The best team is going to finish last, and that’s going to be Jen and I.” Jen freaked out, and he tried to explain, “I mean, finish the last leg first.” Uh huh. With brains like that, there may be hope for yet for them to lose. TK and Rachel did everything in Japan in one minute and 30 seconds of TV time, and that even included cutaways to their interviews talking about how much they like each other. Phil did not eliminate them, because this was the second nonelimination leg. “You are nearly three hours behind the other teams,” Phil said, and reminded them about the Speedbump. In other words, unless there’s a huge equalizer next week, TK and Rachel are going home.

IDIOT'S LANTERN

Well, we all knew it was going to happen -- we were just waiting for the proverbial foot covering to plummet: the Golden Globes award ceremony has been canceled. No red carpet interviews, no pithy conversations between television and movie stars, no close-ups of actors or actresses laughing at jokes that really aren't that funny but seem totally hilarious after a few appletinis. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, along with NBC decided to scrap the ceremony after a boycott threat from representatives of the Screen Actors Guild. Rather than have an empty auditorium, all parties agreed to adopt another approach to the ceremony -- a extremely less glamorous one hour news conference where the award recipients will be named (to be aired at the same time the original show was to be broadcast). People close to the awards show say the HFPA will forgo the typical network payment for the news conference (somewhere around $5 million). NBC will have exclusive electronic rights for the press conference and will be able to sell advertising for it. Seems like a win for NBC, in my opinion.

And now a new pheature called...
MOVIES THAT LIED TO US

Big
What it Led Us to Believe: 1) Adults spend most of their time dancing on giant pianos, getting paid to test toys, and winning beautiful women away from their boyfriends, and all we have to do to become one is locate a magic robot gypsy. 2) A good place to start? Our local carnival. Because there's nothing that will end your childhood faster than sneaking around the darkened tents of a carnival backlot and asking whoever you run into if there's anything they'd care to show a little boy. (Actually, this turned out to be a pretty effective way of ending our childhood, though no magic robot gypsy was involved.) The Cold, Hard Truth: In the movie Big, Tom Hanks gets paid to tell a toy manufacturer which toys kids will like. You know what that's called? Market research. You know how much you get paid to do that in real life? A handful of Cheetohs and a Styrofoam cup of Sierra Mist. In reality, most adults make a living by selling off little pieces of their dignity to an asshole in a tie until they finally go home one night and "forget" to turn the car exhaust off in the garage. Also, gypsies aren't magic (unless looking crippled when you're not is magic) and playing the piano with your feet is a good way to get kicked out of most establishments. You really want to give up the next twelve years of your life in exchange for turning into Tom Hanks? Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film: Trampolines make good floors. Our nagging suspicion that all the pricks we meet are just kids trapped in adult bodies, and while we slowly suffocate in our own awkward neuroses, they are marveling at the wonder of the adult world. Elizabeth Perkins is a pedophile.

GEEK TALK

Last week, a minuscule comment from Anne Thompson led to Latino Review bursting out with a scoop they claimed was true -- that Warner Bros. would not be inviting Brandon Routh back to star in the next solo Superman flick, currently titled The Man of Steel. In her article, Thompson claimed that Bryan Singer would most likely not direct the film since he was too busy working on other projects, and that the next time we see the Superman character he would be part of the much-hyped Justice League of America. Cue AICN flying in to the rescue. According to the site, a "very high-ranking mole who is absolutely in a position to know what's happening with this film" said that whole Brandon Routh rumor was "absolutely false." That as of right now, Warner Bros. still wants Routh to return to the role, if and when another solo flick gets up and running. AICN tells us this is based on conversations as recent as a few weeks ago. One thing that's not mentioned, however, is whether Singer would return as director. Valkyrie is all but wrapped, and The Mayor of Castro Street shouldn't take that long to piece together. So if they plan to shoot this Superman film in, say, 2009 (for a summer 2010 release), then I don't see a problem with Singer making that schedule. Then again, perhaps the studio would rather someone else come in and take the reigns. Me? I don't care ... so long as Routh wears less make-up and bulks up a little more. I want the manly man version of Supes this time, not the teenage girl version. You?

MOVIE BUZZ

Neuromancer
Hayden Christensen is in talks to star in an adaptation of William Gibson's classic cyberpunk novel, directed by the guy who made Britney Spears' "Toxic" music video. The book is about a former star who loses his mind, becomes addicted to drugs and lives a hard life that's on the verge of killing him. Wait … is this sci-fi or Britney's biography?
Cloverfield
Just like Godzilla, J.J. Abrams' giant monster is the result of an environmental catastrophe in the fake viral video campaign that implies the creature has destroyed a deep-sea oil-drilling station. Also, news leaked that the great beast isn't killed at the end of the film. Instead, Al Gore adopts him as a pet.
G.I. Joe
Fans are outraged that comedian Marlon Wayans has been cast as one of the main Joes, but I think he's a great choice. He's already proven to be a master of disguise by starring as both a dwarf in Little Man and a ditzy girl in White Chicks.
Eagle Eye
Some fan set photos have captured Shia LaBeouf sporting a shotgun and a 5 o'clock shadow — and smoking cigarettes between takes of his thriller about a terrorist cell. Awww, isn't that cute? The baby-face teen is trying to look all grown up in some way other than being drunk and getting kicked out of a drugstore.
Four Christmases
Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn apparently haven't been getting along on the set of their new comedy, and now she's nixed a sex scene. What's her beef with him anyway? Did he have an affair with a twentysomething Australian actress, too?
Return of the Ice Kings
Be Kind Rewind's Michel Gondry is already back at work, preparing a "scientific" film about kids who invent a water that makes people hear music when they drink it. Let me guess: Gondry's hero is Timothy Leary.
Righteous Kill
The first pictures have come out of stars Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson all together as cops investigating a serial killer. In one shot, we see Al having broken up a fight that started when Bobby told Curtis how much better he likes Kanye West.
Fight Club: The Musical
David Fincher is hoping to do for Fight Club what was done for Hairspray and The Producers: making it become a hit Broadway musical that gets remade again into a film. Sounds like a strange idea, but I'm interested in hearing what guys who get all their teeth knocked out might sound like singing.
Passengers
The Devil Wears Prada's Anne Hathaway is featured in two promo pics from the thriller in which she stars as a grief counselor who tries to comfort the survivors of a plane crash. She's really bad at her job, though. All she does is grill her patients about what clothes were in their suitcases when the plane went down.

That's it, phans, the latest entry of the Phile. I can't believe in two years since I started this thing, I posted over a hundred entries and had over 3000 views. Here's my new goal: 4000 views by Easter. On Saturday we are going to Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey's circus. I have been wanting to go for years. My wife Jen would go over her fear of clowns and I can see hot girls on the trapeeze. We used to go to the circus every year when I lived on Long Island, so this is a huge deal. I will post a review on the Myspace.com/peverettphile page on Sunday if I get a chance. Also, go to Foghat.com's Loentz's Emporium store and order some Foghat merch. Please. Until next week, spread the word not the turd. Peace.



















Thursday, January 3, 2008

2008, Ain't It Great?

Happy new year, pholks, and welcome to the first entry of the Peverett Phile in 2008, the internet's most updated blog. So, last night all the late night talk show's came back
on the air, but one of my new year's resolutions is to write my own monologue's, even though they might not be that funny. So, here I go. Sir Paul McCartney underwent heart surgery last year, it has emerged. I would of had heart surgery as well if my wife left me and took half of what I have. That's about twenty t-shirts, 150 DVD's and over a thousand CD's and comic books. He said to Heather Mills, "Listen, I never want to hear about you having one leg again, bitch. I had open heart surgery." Sears, the department store, was using Spyware to track customer's online. If Borders does that, I am screwed.
An adoption official praised Madonna as a "perfect-mother". Then I must be the most outstanding father in the world, and can adopt any baby I want to. Personally, I think 
Sheryl Crow is better, she adopted American. Former Olympic champion Marion Jones says she has been punished enough and should not have to go to prison for lying about steroids and check fraud. Punished? How in the world was she punished? 
A memo said "she has been cast from American hero to national disgrace." If she wasn't busted for steroid use, I bet no one would even remmeber who she was. Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline have reportedly been spotted partying together in Las Vegas. Man, I never saw that happening. Wikipedia founder Jimbo Wales will challenge Google with new Wikia Search. Jimbo said, "Yeah? I still have a better name." Ozzy Osbourne's memory leaves him lost for words. There's no joke there, really, is there? So, who thinks they wish I was lost for 
words. Richard Branson told employees who want a raise to find work elsewhere. I hope they don't come to Disney. Okay, here's the late night jokes. My jokes suck. So much for my new year's resolution. Today of course, is the Iowa caucus. As you may know, caucus is a Greek word which means, "the only day anyone pays any attention to Iowa." It’s freezing in Iowa. It’s like 20 degrees in Iowa. In fact, it is so cold, Hillary Clinton can actually see Barack Obama’s breath breathing down her neck. I grew up in an environment of strikes. Britain in 1970s, everyone on strike. Coal miners, postal workers, the dentists. I’ll never forget the British dental strike of 1979. It’s still going . . . they never resolved it. 

JANUARY 3RD IN HISTORY

1958
The editor of the scandal magazine Confidential, Howard Rushmore, murders his wife and then suicides in the back of a taxicab in NYC.
1961
Three technicians -- John Byrnes, Richard McKinley, and Richard Legg -- are killed when the SL-1 experimental nuclear reactor explodes in Idaho Falls, Idaho. McKinley's corpse is found stuck to the containment dome ceiling, impaled on a control rod. The crewmen's radioactive bodies are so hot they have to be buried in lead-lined caskets.
1962
Pope John XXIII excommunicated Fidel Castro.
1967
Jack Ruby dead of natural causes.
1969
In New Jersey, 30,000 copies of John and Yoko's album "Two Virgins" are confiscated because the cover is deemed obscene.
1987
Four non-cancerous polyps are removed from President Ronald Reagan's colon.
1990
Manuel Noriega surrenders at the Papal Nunciature. He is brought to Miami and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

Three people were taken to hospital with serious burns after a gas-powered fondue set exploded. The emergency services were called to Shedfield, Southampton, after reports that hot oil had exploded, injuring six people on Thursday evening. A 15-year-old girl and a man and woman in their early 40s suffered "very serious injuries" on their hands, faces and arms. Another three people sustained minor injuries in the incident. Firefighters and three ambulance crews administered first aid at the house.
A small fire around the fondue set, which was powered by a small gas cylinder, was already out by the time they arrived. The three people most seriously injured were treated at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth. A spokesperson for South Central Ambulance Service said: "They all had burns of varying degrees and three were very seriously injured. She added: "This is unusual. I have never heard of anything like this happening here before." What a very tasty accident.

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

Police in Wellington used a GPS tracking system attached to a baby Jesus to track down the statue and arrest a woman in connection with a Dec. 26 theft. Investigators said the baby Jesus figure was stolen from a Nativity scene in Wellington on Wednesday night. Detectives tracked down the statue to a house in Wellington. A short time later, Danielle Santino, 18, turned herself in to authorities, the Palm Beach Post reported. Santino was charged with grand theft. The statue was returned to the village, the report said. And to think, the little baby Jesus who was born in Nazareth,
developed the GPS system to catch dipshits who 2007 years in the future would yoink his replica in Florida. That just goes to show that Florida has been a fucked up place for over 2000 years.

R.I.P.

Blues Artist 'Weepin' Willie Robinson: Of course he's weeping, what with Eddie and Bill passing away during the past year.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and a stripper?
A: Two weeks.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud realizes, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” “Me too.” replies Jim, “Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects…Nothing! Then the phone rings and it’s Jim. “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” he asks. “I feel great.” says Bub. “How about you?” “I feel great too.” Jim responds, “I don’t even have a hangover, we ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, well there’s just one thing…Have you farted yet?” “No…” “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”

NUTTED BY REALITY

"The Apprentice 7", the show’s first-ever celebrity season, debuts tonight on NBC at 9 p.m. ET, after being moved around the schedule. It will feature 14 B-list once-upon-a-time-were-stars competing in New York City for $250,000 that will go to their favorite charity. The show retains its non-celebrity format, and Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. will show up to observe, as will George. Trump will be joined by a guest judge (“famous business leaders and industry legends,” NBC says) in the boardroom each week to help him make his decisions, although we know all he really wants is validation of his decision-making. NBC also says that there’s another new change to the nature of the game: The contestants will be “using their fame along with their proven business acumen to win challenges,” and “[c]ertain tasks encourage the contestants to reach out to their network of celebrity contacts for assistance or donations.” That was probably inevitable, but will probably lead to the tasks being more about whoring—I mean, marketing—than ever before. While Donald Trump is undeniably a blowhard who makes irrational decisions in the boardroom, ratings have dropped significantly over time, celebrity shows are kind of overdone, and even the series’ own contestants are tired of it, I find myself looking forward to the return of "The Apprentice". As a Mark Burnett-produced series, it has strong production values, and is beautiful to watch, except when Trump’s hair is flapping in the wind. And the challenges tend to be compelling, even if they’re not really tests of a wide range of business skills.

IDIOT'S LANTERN

I think "Jericho" fans opened up a Pandora's Box. Months after that show's fans got CBS to reconsider their cancellation by sending tons of nuts to the network (inspired by a line Skeet Ulrich said in the final episode), "Journeyman" fans have started a campaign to send boxes of Rice-A-Roni to NBC in hopes of getting them to change their mind (the show hasn't been "officially" canceled, but it doesn't look good). If you haven't watched the show before, the reason why fans are doing this is because in one episode, our hero Dan Vasser went back in time to 1987 and got trapped in a giant box of Rice-A-Roni. OK, that's not true at all. Fans picked Rice-A-Roni, "the San Francisco Treat," because the show is set in San Francisco. I like "Journeyman". It certainly deserves to see another season more than other NBC shows, such as "Bionic Woman", "The Apprentice", or "Deal Or No Deal". I wonder though if these quirky "save our show" mail campaigns will become predictable and passe' and the networks won't give them any real attention. Maybe the "Jericho" campaign was just the right time, the right place, and the right network. I would advise anyone who likes "The Biggest Loser" to mail buckets of fat to NBC if they ever cancel that show.

GEEK TALK

From the "Things We Already Figured Out, But It's Nice to See Other People Saying the Same Thing" pile ... Instead of the usual three little tidbits, today I'm bringing you one large mish-mosh of information about the future of Superman, Batman and the Justice League flick. Over on her blog, Variety's Anne Thompson talks a bit about all three of these properties, saying it's "highly unlikely" that Bryan Singer will return to the Superman franchise now that he's decided to scale down and shell out a few passion projects (namely this summer's Valkyrie and The Mayor of Castro Street). Thompson says our next big-screen meeting with the Man of Steel will probably come in the form of a much younger actor in the role as part of that planned Justice League film. Oh, and about that planned Justice League film -- Thompson doesn't think it will be shot until after the WGA strike is resolved, which could potentially push production back to summer versus the original plan to begin shooting early in 2008. Warner Bros. still hasn't officially announced the cast for Justice League, and last we heard director George Miller was forging ahead, claiming everything was still on schedule. For Christmas, I asked Santa for this whole film to just go away. Let's see if he stands up to his end of the bargain. Finally, as far as future solo Batman installments go, Thompson says Warner Bros. is so happy with the way The Dark Knight turned out that they seriously hope director Christopher Nolan will return to helm a third film. I always thought a third film was part of his initial contract, but I gather it wasn't. You have to imagine there will be a bunch of loose ends to tie up following Dark Knight, and so here's hoping Nolan returns to finish the job rather than hand the franchise off to someone less worthy.

Okay, Movie Buzz will be back next week, here is the...

PHILE'S MUSTS FOR 2008

The Dark Knight
So many things to love about the second Christopher Nolan-written/directed Batman flick. Like (1) Christian Bale; (2) the new Batsuit; (3) the new Batpod; (4) that cool tractor-trailer crash in the movie trailer; (5) more angsty Batman brooding; (6) no Katie Holmes; (7) Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart); (8) the viral marketing campaign; (9) the cool action sequences, shot with an IMAX camera, and the new Bat-gadgets, created to help Batman stop the Joker; and (10) best of all, scene-stealing new Joker Heath Ledger, who already looks poised to out-Jack Jack Nicholson with his menacing portrayal of the clown prince of crime. (July 18)
Dark Knight Tie-Ins
Six Flags Great America is celebrating the newest Bat-adventure with a new roller coaster, the indoor Dark Knight Coaster, which simulates the feeling of being stalked by the Joker (ahhhh!!). Other Knight goodies planned for 2008: action figures, puzzles and even a direct-to-DVD animated adventure, Batman: Gotham Knight, that takes place in the time between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight.
Cloverfield
The risk of hype, of course, is that if it fails, à la last year's Snakes on a Plane, it fails spectacularly. On the other hand, the J.J. Abrams-produced Godzilla-ish movie could turn out to be another Blair Witch Project, and we're not just talking about the shaky camera work that's evident in the Cloverfield preview clips that have peppered the Internet for months. But the keep-'em-guessing marketing campaign ceased being fun a couple of months back, and now, it's time for J.J. and company to put up or just scamper off and devote their full attention to that Star Trek movie. (Jan. 18)
Iron Man
With Robert Downey Jr. as the titular billionaire industrialist turned supersuit-wearing hero, Iron Man has the potential to be a superhero flick on the level of Christian Bale's Batman. Director Jon Favreau's attention to the look, especially the Iron Man suit, and his frequently updated production blog won fans over early on, and casting additions like Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, a cameo by Hilary Swank and Jeff Bridges as Tony Stark/Iron Man mentor turned rival Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger are icing on the cake. (May 2)
Iron Man Tie-Ins
Expect loads and loads of goodies, including toys, tools, costumes and a supercharged PlayStation 3 game. (Summer)
Speed Racer
Directors Andy and Larry Wachowski have managed to create spectacular visuals that make the movie feel like real-life actors actually stepped into the retro cartoon. That, along with the fact that fans have been waiting on the movie to wiggle out of development hell for more than a decade (Johnny Depp was once cast as Speed), makes the movie one of the must-see releases of the year. (May 9)
Speed Racer
Tie-Ins
It's every speed demon's wet dream: Planned Wii, PlayStation 2 and Nintendo DS games put you in the hot seat, while Lego sets, Hot Wheels racing sets and remote control cars will entertain the kids. (Spring)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Did it really take nearly 20 years to come up with an acceptable script, or did 65-year-old star Harrison Ford just finally see his chances of playing action hero once again passing him by? Either way, we're finally getting a follow-up to 1989's Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, with Ford back as the titular professor/adventurer, Steven Spielberg back as director, George Lucas back as producer, new It Guy Shia LaBeouf as Indy's young sidekick (and, rumor has it, his son), Cate Blanchett as his sneaky adversary and the returning Karen Allen as Indy love interest Marion Ravenwood. Buzz has it that despite Ford's more, ahem, mature physical state this time around, there's no slowdown on the action sequences, especially those involving Indiana and LaBeouf's character, who may just be the franchise's future star. (May 22)
Indiana Jones Tie-Ins
The kids who were buying action figures in 1989 are now all grown up with paychecks, a fact that LucasArts — who'll make an Indy videogame and a Lego-themed Indy videogame — is very aware of. Other toys will include new action figures, Lego sets, books, playing cards, candy (what does archeology taste like?) and a Burger King-tie-in promotion.
Sex and the City: The Movie
Fabulous clothes, even more fabulous shoes and a whirlwind tour of SATC Manhattan are nice, but let's cut to the chase: Do Carrie and Mr. Big get tie the knot … or not? All the rest is just background noise, and, be warned, SATC producers, any SATC movie that doesn't answer that question is just a big cheat for fans. (May 30)
Bond 22
Or is it called 007? That's the buzz after a recent interview in which Bond star Daniel Craig seemed to let slip that the Casino Royale sequel's title would be based on Bond's 007 status for the new movie. Not much else is known about the movie — including any confirmed Bond girls — but the action does reportedly pick up where Casino left off, and considering that little gem became the most successful Bond film ever, that's definitely a good place to start. (Nov 7)
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Director Andrew Adamson, who made The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe a box-office hit in 2005, is back to helm another round of C.S. Lewis action, and he's nearly doubled the spectacular special effects, from 800 for Wardrobe to nearly 1,500 for Caspian, which finds the Pevensie kids heading back to Narnia to help Prince Caspian claim his throne from the rotten King Miraz. (May 16)
The Incredible Hulk
We love the idea of a more cerebral Hulk, thanks to Edward Norton's spin on the scientist turned green guy. And let's be honest: Director Louis Letterier's restart of the franchise can only improve on director Ang Lee's utterly forgettable 2003 flop. (June 13)
The X-Files 2
The plot has been kept hush-hush, though it's rumored that the action takes place in present time and revolves around a stand-alone plot, i.e., one that doesn't continue the TV series' ongoing storyline. What we do know for sure: Both Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) are back, joined by Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly and rapper Xzibit. As for whether fans will return to see what their alien-chasing heroes are up to six years after the TV series ended, you know the saying: The truth is out there, just not till July. (July 25)

There you go, another of the Phile. The next entry will be the Phile's second birthday. Two years of writing this shit, I cannot believe it. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Peace.

















































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