Thursday, December 27, 2007

I Am Slacker

Hello, welcome to the Phile, the most updated blog on the internet. So, was Santa good to you lot? Logan got from Santa a Flying V guitar, a telescope and a digital camera. All
he needs is a swivel chair and he could make a remake of the Goo-Goo Dolls "Iris" video. I got a shit load of DVD's, so I will be busy for the next few weeks. Santa left one of his white gloves behind at our house, so for the rest of the 
night he flew around like Michael Jackson. I just came back from seeing I Am Legend. It will be reviewed later, but it was about a guy played by Will smith and his dog Sam. The movie was going to be called I Am Sam but there was already a movie with that name. Did you hear about that tiger that attacked and killed two men? For a moment I thought that Tigger was in trouble again. So, this is the last entry of 2007. My new year's resolutions is to loose 15 pounds by February, and to deny that Jessica Alba's baby is mine. In 2008 I will hit 20 years at Disney as 
well as 40 years of age. This whole blog is pretty much a tribute to 2007, which is going to heaven. Soon 
it'll be 2008, ain't it great?

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
Florida, well-known for its theme parks and beaches, has another - more dubious - distinction, a tendency toward bizarre news and 2007 was no exception. There was the battle over former Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith's body, the city manager who was fired after he became a she, and the love triangle involving the female astronaut who drove 1 609km, allegedly using diapers to save time, to confront a romantic rival. But beyond those headlines, there was so much more. Two-time Nascar Busch Series champion Martin Truex was caught urinating on a car. Asked by a police officer if it was worth a $100 fine, he held out a $100 bill only to be charged with disorderly intoxication. There were plenty of strange stories fuelled by alcohol.
Proving that drinking and driving still do not mix, a 30-year-old woman taking driving lessons ran over her instructor. Her blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit. Then there was the mug shot of a 41-year-old woman arrested in Tampa for driving while intoxicated whose T-shirt read, "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings." In the town of Largo, police were left baffled after being called to a bar disturbance only to have one intoxicated man call for help saying
he was surrounded by police. A10-year-old girl faced a felony charge in Ocala after she brought a kitchen knife to school to cut the steak she brought for lunch. Two Tampa-area middle-schoolers were arrested on charges they tried to poison their science teacher by pouring a fabric freshener into her soda. A Tampa-area mom was sentenced to a year in jail after boarding a school bus and telling her daughter to fight another girl. As always there were plenty of dumb crimes to report. A man with no arms and one leg who refused to stop driving was sentenced to five years in prison after the latest in a long list of driving offences. A former felon swopping his old clothes for new ones in a department store dressing room was caught because his old prison ID badge was in the pants he left behind. A Tampa woman was charged with faking her teenage daughter's death to scam a medical clinic out of $500 (R3 500) for funeral expenses. She had spent two years in prison for faking her husband's death to
collect insurance four years earlier. A man trying to rob a pharmacy got stuck in an air shaft for 10 hours. He said he was trying to retrieve a cat. A burglary suspect fleeing Miccosukee Tribe police jumped into a lake where signs warn "Danger Live Alligators." He was killed by an alligator. For pet lovers, there was the story of the man who was arrested after authorities found 300 cats in his home, which was covered in faeces 5 to 8cm deep. Others were more tragic. The owner of an exotic animal farm in Wewahitchka died after an 816kg camel sat on her as a local TV station filmed a feature story. As for weird police stories, Orlando-area police gave away sneakers for people who turned in guns and got a little more than they expected
when a man exchanged a 1.2m long surface-to-air missile launcher for sneakers for his young daughter. There were robbers with a heart. An Altamonte Springs gunman let a convenience store clerk call 911 during a robbery because she said she might be having a heart attack. He then stole $30 and cigarettes saying as he left, "I'm sorry". A man in St Lucie County went to hospital and told doctors he had woken up with a bad headache. Doctors quickly found the cause of the pain - a bullet. The couple confessed the wife slept with a gun under her pillow and accidentally shot her husband when a burglar alarm went off.

R.I.P.

Frank Capra Jr: Guess what line of work he was in.
Ruth Wallis: Heave Ho, Heave Ho.
Oscar Peterson: Dead AND Canadian.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1937
Mae West performs an "Adam & Eve" skit that gets her banned from NBC radio.
1985
Abu Nidal gunmen open fire at Rome and Vienna airports in coordinated attacks, killing 18 holiday travelers.
1992
Harry Connick, Jr., was arrested at Kennedy Airport in New York City after telling authorities he had an unloaded 9mm pistol in his luggage, which he said he had forgotten that his sister had given to him.
2007
I saw I Am Legend in the movies and purchased an Iron Man t-shirt from Hot Topic and a Barenaked Ladies concert DVD from Borders. 

NUTTED BY REALITY

The big news on Sunday’s episode of "The Amazing Race 12" was the appearance of this season’s first non-elimination leg. In July, The Orlando Sentinel’s TV critic, Hal Boedeker, reported that the non-elimination legs had been dropped, citing a conversation with one of the series’ executive producers, Jonathan Littman. Boedeker didn’t quote Littman, but reported, “The show will will do two fewer episdoes [sic] and drop the noneliminations to create more excitement.” Later, executive producer and showrunner Bertram Van Munster confirmed that, telling Reality TV World, “The audience and ourselves, we’re not crazy about non-eliminations. It’s exciting to see people eliminated at the end of every episode. … Penalties just make it murky. This is just such a clean-cut concept, it’s not about finding more penalties and hurdles for people. That’s not what this thing is about. I think the audience and our fans like eliminations from what we understand. .. For the contestants, the heat’s on every step of the way. Every leg of the way the heat is on because they can be eliminated.”
While host Phil Keoghan’s introduction to the race in the first episode suggested this was coming, with fewer eliminations than pit stops, but I assumed that meant another twist, like legs that spanned multiple episodes. Anyway, this revelation came at the end of a rather thrilling episode, one that was packed with action and drama and made those boring-ass airport episodes worth the wait. Let’s just hope it keeps up. On board a ferry to Italy, Vyxsin said, “This is the time to get serious,” and together they touched up their makeup, because as we all know, the key to successful travel is good makeup. Whoever writes the subtitles decided viewers were too dumb to understand Italian city names, so they translated them to their English versions, even when the audio was clear. Every time an Italian person would direct a team to “Firenze,” the on-screen title would say “Florence,” even though the person clearly said “Firenze.”
TK and Rachel left their clue on a table, and also apparently missed the clue of their camera operator zooming in on it while they ran off to their car. That led to conflict, although they fight like they’re stoned. “Did you check your pockets?” Rachel asked. “I don’t have pockets,” TK said. After the recovered the clue, he said, “This has been too much, man. I’m too mellow to handle this.” See? Phil introduced this season’s only Fast Forward, which was rather evil (“Where’d they think this shit up?” Donald asked). Phil explained that teams attempting the Fast Forward “will discover that they have to have a permanent tattoo drawn on their body, the letters ff, which stand for ‘fast forward.’” They apparently had to have it on their upper arm, which Nicolas and his grandfather went for with surprisingly little hesitation, although we’d expect that from Nicolas, who isn’t exactly the sharpest needle in the tattoo parlor. Jen, who is not at all self-centered, said, “I was really impressed that Nate actually listened to me.” Yes, it’s often impressive when others are impressed by you. Christina cried out, “Daddy!” and Ronald replied, with a rather indignant tone, “What? What?” She’s such a whiner; he was only driving away without her as she stood at the open car door, with her feet about to be run over by the tire. In 12 seasons of this show, I can’t remember a team member threatening suicide if their teammate ignored them, but that’s what we during the dating goths’ first real meltdown. As Vyxsin accelerated down a narrow street, Kynt screamed, “Stop this car! Stop this car Vyxsin! You’re not capable. I’m going to jump out if you don’t stop!” Alas, he did not. When Kynt and Vyxsin checked in last, Phil told them they were safe. “This is the first of only two non-elimination legs,” Phil told them, and explained the new penalty. “Some time during the next leg of the race, you’re going to encountera new twist in the race, and it’s called a speedbump. A speedbump is only you have to complete while the other teams have to keep racing. You don’t know when it’s coming.” Just like misinformation from producers promoting their show.

GEEK TALK

My post-Christmas stomach is in very bad shape ... Some new artwork from this summer's The Incredible Hulk has arrived online, and while it's still only artwork (in fact, all we've seen so far of this film has been artwork), it's definitely a piece that should whet your appetite for destruction. Arriving in theaters on June 13, this version of the Hulk stars Edward Norton as the emotionally-conflicted Bruce Banner, who's on the run hiding from authorities, as well as his own demons. Tim Roth will play Hulk's nemesis Emil Blonsky, while Liv Tyler (Betty Ross), William Hurt (Gen. Ross) and Tim Blake Nelson (Samuel Sterns) also star. That TV movie/series launch/contemporary re-boot of Knight Rider now has a very very brief 15-second teaser trailer online for all of you to geek out over. While there's not much except the uncovering of the new, updated car, we do get to hear a brief snippet of that classic Knight Rider music, followed by some other, flashy TV music. Ah, and Will Arnett as the voice of KITT -- does it seriously get any better than that? From the official Knight Rider press release: "The movie stars Justin Bruening ("Cold Case," "All My Children"), Deanna Russo ("NCIS," "The Young and the Restless"), Sydney Tamiia Poitier ("Veronica Mars," "Grindhouse") and Bruce Davison ("Breach," "Close to Home"). In addition, David Hasselhoff (NBC's "America's Got Talent") - who starred in the popular lead role as Michael Knight for four seasons during the original series - returns as the same character in a special guest-star appearance. Will Arnett (NBC's "30 Rock," "Blades of Glory") will provide the voice of KITT." Don't you love how Hasselhoff's credit is from "America's Got Talent", as if no one would remember the dude's awesome turn in TV's "Baywatch". Finally, we haven't heard much about the Pixar film arriving in between Wall-E (2008) and Toy Story 3 (2010), titled Up. Now, Upcoming Pixar has picked up a note from the film'sofficial wikipedia entry which stated that Up may in fact be a "re-telling, somewhat, of the classic Don Quixote fable." Here's what we have so far by way of a synopsis for Up; let the speculation begin: "Pete Docter and co-director Bob Peterson are preparing this "coming-of-old-age story" about a seventysomething guy who lives in a house that "looks like your grand-parents' house smelled." He befriends a clueless young Wilderness Ranger and gets into lots of alter kocker altercations. Says Pixar: "Our hero travels the globe, fights beasts and villains and eats dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon." (via CinemaBlend)

SHARPENING AXES

Losing your mind was all the rage this year. We browsed through the loony bin for the dingiest broads.
Ellen DeGeneres:
(Man, she made it on two lists). Daytime´s number two televesbian violated her adoption agreement when she tried to regift the terrier she got from Mutts & Moms. So the rescue group took it back, causing Ellen to snap into her own private Vietnam on live TV. Imagine the public bawling when heterosexuality comes to take back Portia de Rossi.
Chris Crocker: This quasi-sexual´s career got its jump start after a viral video hit the Web featuring him hysterically begging the public to "leave Britney alone!" Yeah, ´cause Britney (too obvious a choice for this list) needs someone more bat shit than she is stepping to her defense.
Amy Winehouse: We´ve taken a lot of shots at Wine-o, but after the year she´s had—three minutes in rehab, on- and off-stage escapades with coke, and bloody fights with her husband—the woman left us no frigging choice.
Lisa Marie Nowak: This astronaut reportedly wore diapers to avoid pit stops during her breakneck drive from Houston to Orlando, where prosecutors say she attempted to kidnap the girlfriend of a former coworker. Lab tests of the soiled undergarments found in her car by investigators revealed digested Tang and dehydrated ice cream.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A police officer stops a local for speeding, and asks very plainly, “May I see your license and registration, sir.” The local replied with a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away from me, now you expect me to show it to you?!?”

And now for a year in review version of...
MOVIE BUZZ

The Dark Knight
Who cares about Christian Bale? Now it's all about the great Heath Ledger vs. Jack Nicholson debate. For Heath's "interpretation" of the Joker, seen in the great trailer, he said he locked himself in a hotel room for a month and imagined becoming a person who thought AIDS is funny. And Michelle Williams called off their engagement why?
Transformers
We all knew giant robots beating the crud out of each other was going to be awesome, but Shia LaBeouf played the perfect everyman and genuinely seems like a person who won't get drunk on his own stardom. Getting drunk and making an ass out of himself at 2 a.m. at a Walgreens? That's a different story.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
For all the joking about Harrison Ford's advanced age, this return to the franchise sounds like it'll be more Raiders and less Temple of Doom. I just fear that I'm going to have more gray hair on my head than Ford by the time a trailer is finally released.
Spider-Man 3
So, the trilogy wrapped up with a whimper instead of a bang, and it was hard to figure out who was crying more: Toby, Kirsten or the fans who felt let down.
Cloverfield and
Rambo
The two most badass looking movies of 2008 are both being released in January. That's a month with so much brutal awesomeness in it that I fear the rest of the year is going to have to hang its head in shame.
Star Trek
I'm thrilled the franchise is coming back and that J.J. Abrams' film will mostly feature Spock. All those months training myself to do that stupid Vulcan hand gesture hasn't gone to waste.
Iron Man
This third-tier superhero may turn out to be the biggest hit of next year. While I still say he looks like a guy who can be defeated with a can opener, the Ozzy Osbourne-fueled trailer gets me pumped.
Grindhouse
More hyped than just about any other film this past year, it ended up being the biggest financial disaster, too. So, Middle America wasn't ready for a three-and-a-half-hour homage to the sleazy movies that nobody saw back in the '70s in the first place? Who would have guessed.
Justice League of America
It seemed like 2007 went by with a daily rumor about which "hot" young actor was going to play which superhero. Now the whole project seems up in the air, thanks to the writers strike. I say they just cut up old comic books, animate the mouths like they did with those '60s Captain America cartoons and be done with it.
Superbad
And I thought I was a dork for drawing superheroes on the backs of my notebooks.
Live Free or Die Hard
Let's see now. Bald hero does impossible stunts along with a funny, sarcastic, spikey-haired sidekick and is based on a 20-year-old franchise. Is it any wonder I keep getting this flick mixed up with The Simpsons Movie?
Teeth
More than any other trailer, this is the one where more people came up to me, screaming in my face because they were so totally freaked out by it. I don't understand why. I mean, it's just … Wait. She has teeth where? Oh my God, that's horrible!
And now a review of
I AM LEGEND
starring Will Smith. Smith is a military scientist and the last man alive after a worldwide epidemic wipes out all humans. His daytime companion is a really loyal dog. His nighttime enemies are the undead superhuman vampire zombies left in the wake of the epidemic. He may have a cure for the disease, but it'll mean capturing one of them and using it as a guinea pig before they figure out where his locked-down lab is. And before he goes nuts himself from the isolation. You hope against hope that big movie stars will choose projects that strike the balance between polishing their heroic, crowd-pleasing image and delivering unstupid films to a mass audience. OK, actually you wish they'd all go off and make weird movies with interesting directors like Nicole Kidman does. But failing that, you hope for solid popcorn movies that you won't regret having spent money on as soon as the lights go up. So this is one of those popcorn movies. It moves fast, it's exciting, it's suspenseful, stuff blows up, and, best of all, Smith isn't smirking and showboating. It balks at the moral ambiguity of the 1954 novel it's based on (in that one, the last man on Earth unwittingly kills people who aren't part of the vampire-zombie hordes), but you can't have everything. Cameo that made me happy and then disappointed within the first 60 seconds: Emma Thompson opens the movie as a doctor who's discovered the cure for all cancers. I thought, "Oh, good, I dig Emma Thompson." After that scene, the screen goes black and reads: "Three years later." You see New York City overgrown with weeds. Wild animals roaming free. No people anywhere. And then it's pretty much a guarantee that Thompson won't be around for the rest of it, having been the unwitting angel of death for all humanity. Bummer. The coolest thing about this story: It's like a sponge that can absorb whatever social anxieties exist during the era it's set in. The '50s novel can be a metaphor for the Cold War; the Charlton Heston film version, The Omega Man, includes a Manson-like madman and his group called "The Family"; and this one's subtext is everyone's current fixation on superbugs, bird flu, apocalypse and the end of the world. A few weeks ago, I was in a multiplex near my house, and lined up on the wall were Coming Soon posters for this movie, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem and Cloverfield. If that's not a collective cultural subtext happening, then there's no such thing.

There you have it, Phile Phans, the last entry of 2007. On Jan. 8th the Phile will be two years old, and I am not stopping yet. The next entry will be next Thursday, and in the meantime, check out the Phile's Myspace page at Myspace.com/peverettphile and Foghat.com where you can buy new merch from Loentz's Emporium. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. See ya next year.












































































Thursday, December 20, 2007

Merry Christmas! Oh No, I Used The 'C' Word.

Season's greetings, happy holidays, Merry Christmas, pholks. If I had anymore Christmas spirit, I'd be shitting jingle bells.  So, how is everyone? Did you see the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie? I will give the review at the bottom of the entry, by the way. I remember being a big fan o the 80's cartoon "Alvin and the Chipmunks" and liking their records. My dad once said to me, "What's the big deal? They just speeded up someone's voices." Leno and Letterman and Conan announced they will
be back on the air in January. Great. That means I can start ripping off their monologues again. A few days ago a Guest at Disney's Animal Kingdom had a heart attack and died on the Expedition Everest ride. Now they are going to change the name of the ride to 
Expedition Ever Rest. Apparently he saw the Yeti and thought it was his mother-in-law. Also at Disney, a guy was thrown out the park for singing "Chipmunks Roasting
An Open Fire" to Chip and Dale. So, Logan and I have been playing a lot of video
games lately. We play so much I am starting to introduce myself as Player 1. I tried to convince my wife our next vacation should be to Vice City. I complained to You complain to my urologist that I have pain in my joystick. The U.S. Justice Department is looking into possible price fixing in the chocolate industry, the Wall Street Journal reported on Thursday on its Web site. The Journal reported that a Mars spokeswoman said the company had been contacted by the Justice Department's antitrust division and that if the agency initiated an investigation Mars would cooperate. Chocolate? Wrong brown sticky stuff? "Time" magazine announced the Person Of The Year. Me! No, it's really Vladimir Putin, but it was a close race. "Person" of the year? Hearkens to George Carlin, "What do we call a ladies' man now, a person's person"? Okay, so what do you think about the Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant story? 
It goes to show you, that's what you get when you give fifty million dollars to a white
trash family. If nothing else you'd think she'd learn from trainwreck sister. How sad. Can you believe their mother was writing a parenting book? Rightfully, it has been put on hold. Nickleodeon said that they support her decision to have the baby and hav a nice life. They did consider changing the name of her tv show "Zoey 101" to "Zoey PosterChild for Abstinence-Only Education".

R.I.P.

Jillian Kesner-Graver, who played Fonzie's girlfriend Lorraine in "Happy Days": Not cool!
Dan Fogelberg:
He wrote pop, but don't hold it against him. You're probably still humming "Another Auld Lang Syne". My dad once said, "The worst thing about having Foghat as the band's name is that we are always going to be next to Dan 
Fogelberg in the album racks."
 

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

Daniel Restrepo often suffered seizures after he was shot in the head as a boy in Colombia; now authorities in Florida are calling his death a homicide caused by those 12-year-old wounds. Restrepo, 25, never fully recovered, and he was found dead in bed Nov. 30 at his father's home in Royal Palm Beach. The medical examiner blamed a fatal seizure and labeled his death a homicide. "It's really strange, the death at least a dozen years later. Throw in the fact it's out of the country, it's really unique," said Detective Steve Ultsh of the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office, which is investigating Restrepo's death. Restrepo's father, Gonzalo, was driving the car when Daniel was shot on his way to school in Medellin, where the family lived at the time. He declined to talk about the shooting, but blamed his son's death on a change in his seizure medication. The shooting "wasn't the cause of my son's death," Gonzalo Restrepo told The Palm Beach Post. Authorities here hope to provide the information on Daniel's death to officials in Medellin for their potential murder case, Ultsh said. It was not immediately clear if Colombian authorities had suspects or if anyone was ever arrested in the shooting.

CANNED LAUGHTER

This woman walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tattoo artist says "thats an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?" She replies "because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Years."

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker , so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?" Answer "they're Carol's."

Q. What did Santa say to the three blondes? A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? A. Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q. What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common ? A. They both have colored balls.

NUTTED BY REALITY

I have a proposal: If football continues to push "The Amazing Race’s" debut later, and CBS insists upon airing all of "60 Minutes" and screwing up its entire prime-time schedule, and that night’s episode of "The Amazing Race" starts with 20 minutes of teams trying to get airline tickets, cut that segment out and just replace it with a voiceover from Phil. Perhaps it’s just fatigue after 12 seasons, but starting episodes this way is just boring. Every team reads the damn route marker, takes a cab to the airport, researches flights, lines up at a not-yet-open ticket window or travel agency, and then obnoxiously begs the ticket agent to hurry up because they’re late for their flight, which they eventually get on. Five minutes, okay. A third of the episode? Too much, even when, as last night, something that happens during that segment leads to a team’s elimination. Because last week’s egregious product placement wasn’t enough, Phil started his recap of last week’s episode by saying, TK and Rachel arrived first, and were awarded a vacation of a lifetime from Travelocity.” Then TK became the producers’ whore, saying in an oddly stilted (hmm) way, “Thank you Travelocity.” Upon learning that they were traveling to Croatia, Hendekea said she knew a bit of the language, a word “which means, ‘there’s a party in my pants.’” Azaria said, “Hopefully we can get a few dollars with that,” Ronald looks like all cuddly with those “Who’s your daddy?” t-shirts, but sometimes he can be a real bastard.” He interrupted a ticket agent serving another team, and when they objected, Ronald got angry. “Just a simple question, man. What’s the big deal?’ he said. “It ain’t [censored]in’ anyof your reservations.” Vyxsin told Christina, “It’s okay; Ihave a dad, too.” While most of the world would be thrilled to learn they’d been accidentally upgraded to business class, that’s a huge no-no on the race, as teams must purchase coach tickets (although they can sit in business or first if they paid coach prices). “Business class?” Hendekea said, horrified. There were no more coach seats on the flight, but the agent assured them that the original flight was “not going to make it on time” anyway. What a helpful agent: books the wrong tickets on a flight that’s delayed. For some reason, after arriving in Croatia and running out of the airport to catch taxis, none of the teams had backpacks. Apparently the production collected them for some reason, “You’re the meanest person I’ve ever met sometimes,” Jennifer told Nate during one of their many fights, not elaborating on what he is other times. They had a meltdown while paddling a boat, and she said, “I’m never going be with you ever again.” It was unclear if she meant “be with you” in the Biblical sense.
Jen’s meltdown’s, while so familiar it seems like we’ve seen them all before, was still somewhat fun. She went from being upset about not being able to catch a cab to excoriating their relatonship. “This is pathetic. Oh my god, Nate! This is so unfair! No, it’s not okay. Our relationship sucks,” she said, crying. When Ronald and Christina checked in, Phil Keoghan said, “Who’s your daddy now?” and instantly gave fans a sound clip to use as their ringtone. Phil didn’t have anything witty to say to Jennifer and Nate; instead, he had to yell at them. “You’re the second team to arrive. However, you did not take a legal form of transportation from the Detour finish point to get here to the mat. So, you need to go back to that spot, get some legal transportation, and make your way back here before I can check you in,” he said, and finished it off with “make haste.” They still checked in third, and Phil noticed that things were a bit icy: “not a lot of affection there with the handshake.” Nicolas and his grandfather Donald also had a bit of a meltdown, with Nicolas becoming increasingly surprised that his grandfather is slow. Paddling a boat, he said, “Worry about yourself,” and his grandfather said, “I’m helping here, whether you know it or not.” Hendekea and Azaria checked in last, and were eliminated thanks to their initial flight problems. Hendekea said, “The thing that really sucks here is, it wasn’tlike somebody beat us. We beat ourselves.”

SHARPENING AXES

The translation of the word “Mistletoe” itself isn’t very romantic. A few centuries back, some people apparently observed that mistletoe tended to take root where birds
had left their droppings. “Mistal” is an Anglo-Saxon word that means “dung” and “tan” means “twig,” so mistletoe actually means “dung on a twig.” Since the 1970’s, The Kennedy Space Center has made their Shuttle landing facility available for emergency landing by Santa Claus should problems develop during his annual visit to
children around the world! Umm... that's just dumb.

GEEK TALK

I pity the fool who doesn't want a Hobbit film! I did not see I Am Legend this past weekend, but apparently there was a poster planted in the film's fictional Times Square for a Batman vs. Superman movie, due out on May 15, 2010. Folks immediately began speculating -- was this a secret teaser poster for Justice League? Had they changed the name (as previously rumored) to Batman vs. Superman? No such luck fanboys (and girls); seems it was only a gag dreamed up by screenwriter/producer Akiva Goldsman, who, long ago, was attached to write a Batman vs. Superman film. But it's still pretty cool, and a neat little Easter Egg if you ask me. We know John Singleton has signed on to direct a big-screen A-Team movie, and that casting is currently underway, but what's the script look like? Moviehole got their hands on the script, and there's some "interesting" stuff in there. Like, B.A. Baracas (played by Mr. T on the TV show) is listed as a "22-year-old walking steel with two-percent body fat." Yup, expect Tyrese Gibson in this role. Here's a bit more from their synopsis: "I'll be honest - it's not that tantalizing. The whole action of the movie revolves around some vases and stolen art. At one point there's a scene that takes place on a yacht - and it's an art auction. It's just not that interesting." Head on over to Moviehole to read their full review of the 118-page script. This morning it was announced that Peter Jackson and New Line had kissed and made up, and are moving ahead on the long-planned Hobbit adaptation. However, Jackson is only listed as an executive producer, which means they still needto seek out a director to helm the picture. I'd expect Sam Raimi to be the first one they call, but if Sam takes on this monstrous double-feature, don't expect the guy to be back in the director's chair for Spider-Man 4. Which will also likely mean that Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst will opt out. Would you gladly take Raimi on Hobbit, or could Jackson get real nutty and somehow convince Guillermo del Toro to give up all 300 of his current projects to direct two Hobbit films? Where do you stand? Who do you want directing these movies, if not Jackson?

MOVIE BUZZ

Bond 22
While Daniel Craig can be seen racing boats for an action scene in these photos, it's been announced that producers may have found the next Bond Girl, a little-known actress named Gemma Arterton. I may never have heard of her, but the photo's I saw of her makes me think of water, too — a waterbed.
Hancock
The first trailer for Will Smith's action comedy about a drunken superhero shows him destroying lots of property and cruelly throwing a beached whale back into the ocean. Jeez, between this and I Am Legend, no animal in Hollywood is gonna want to work with him ever again.
The Hobbit
Peter Jackson and New Line have come to an agreement that will have Jackson executive producing two LOTR prequels. Isn't it nice when a total bomb like The Golden Compass can bring two old friends together again?
The Dark Knight
The official trailer is finally online, and the film looks like it's going to be extremely dark and violent, which is awesome. The one scene where Heath Ledger begs Christian Bale to run him over with the Batpod is especially scary. Wasn't that the same bit of S&M he tried on Jake in Brokeback Mountain?
Dallas
John Travolta may have been the last defender of the long-gestating update of the classic TV drama, but producers finally kicked him to the curb and replaced him with Ben Stiller. To deliver the bad news, they had Patrick Duffy surprise Travolta in the shower to tell him that the last 10 years trying to get the film made was all a bad dream.
The X-Files 2
A fan caught some video of David Duchovny and new co-star Amanda Peet shooting on the Vancouver set. If you listen real closely, you can hear David say, "Hey, she's a whole lot cuter than the Cigarette Smoking Man."
WALL*E
There's a cute new trailer for the Pixar flick that shows the title robot playing with different items he finds in a trash dump, including a fire extinguisher, a bra and a paddleball game. Woo-hoo! That sounds like my New Year's Eve plans.
Leatherheads
There's a trailer from George Clooney's new flick about the early days of football, when players just wore cheap little leather helmets as protection. I hope nobody hit him in the head too hard or he might start to think making Ocean's Fourteen is a good idea.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
Judd Apatow directed a hilarious short starring Paul Rudd, Justin Long, Jonah Hill and "The Office's" Craig Robinson, who tries to beat up the director when he finds out he's in a viral marketing ad, which is perfect because viral ads always make me want to punch somebody in the head, too.
Watchmen
Original graphic novel artist Dave Gibbons posted apicture of himself on the movie set and wrote about how honored he was to be surrounded by a bunch of adults wearing superhero costumes. Honored? Hasn't he ever been to Comic-Con? It's actually kind of dorky.
And now for the review of
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS
starring Jason Lee, David Cross, Jane Lynch, the voices of Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, and Matthew Gray Gubler. It's an origin story, like the kind every comic-book superhero has, except that these are CG chipmunks. Alvin, Theodore and Simon find Dave Seville, a struggling songwriter, and together they become a famous singing group and teach each other the true meaning of family. Someone out there will hate it for that reason and assume it's part of the liberal media's agenda to promote nontraditional living arrangements as normal. But really, who's to say that adopting three digital rodents doesn't make you a dad? Not me. I've been dreading this for months now. Seriously, just wishing that all the prints would burn up in a fire. That was the marketing campaign's fault, dressing them in hoodies and making them look all gangsta. It's the Scarface-ification of children's pop culture, and it's just wrong. So anyway, the actual movie doesn't go in for much of this. They do update that dorky song "Witch Doctor" to be all Black Eyed Peas-ish, but beyond that, the worst thing that happens is that part in the trailer where one of them accidentally eats the other one's poop. Gross, yes, but kids will fall out laughing.
Amount of fear and loathing parents should have: surprisingly very little. Your kids will love it, and it won't wreck your own childhood memories of the Chipmunks much at all. Meanwhile, it passed my personal test of including a non-offensive cover of that Christmas song about the hula hoop that they're most famous for. It sucks the most when the little rats aren't around. Then all you get are a lot of humans gritting their teeth for a paycheck. Cross seems to be having the most true fun, but Lee seems unhappy to be in the film. He doesn't even yell "ALVIN!" very loudly. I question his commitment to acting opposite computer-generated talking animals. Trivia: Lee's character lives in apartment 1958, the year the Chipmunks were created by Ross Bagdasarian. And if you're a fan of Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window, you'll be interested to know that Bagdasarian is the pianist that Jimmy Stewart spies on. I gave it a 9 and Jen gave it an 8, which is pretty good for her.

Okay, that's the last entry before Christmas. Have a safe one and the Phile will be back next Thursday which will be the last for 2007. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Oh, and go buy something from Loentz's Emporium at Foghat.com.
































Thursday, December 13, 2007

Oh Come All Ye Adore Me

Season's greetings, and welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, I am your host, the golden comp-ass. Or platinum bastard, one of the two. Did you see that movie,
The Golden Compass? I did and will review it in this blog. Anyway, in the movie, all humans have animals called deamons as pets. Some have leopards, some have dogs, some have monkeys, and so on. If it was real, and I had a daemon, knowing my luck it'll be an elephant and I wouldn't be able to go out bcause it'll be so big. Or a skunk, or Walter the Farting Dog. Last weekend a lady tried to get into the Magic Kingdom with 
gun, scissors and a knife in her trenchcoat pockets, and she was arrested. I don't know what the big deal is, I go to work at Disney every day with a rocket in my pocket. Expect cheers among hardcore online game enthusiasts when they learn Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year. Or, more accurately, expect them to "w00t."
"W00t," a hybrid of letters and numbers used by gamers as an exclamation of happiness or triumph, topped all other terms in the Springfield-based dictionary publisher's online poll for the word that best sums up 2007. That's st00pid. Webster's word of the year is the same as every year. #^%%@! It means "I'm 39 Fucking Years Old so stop Fucking picking me up, asshole!" Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison Monday for running a "cruel and inhumane" dogfighting ring and lying about it. This has got to be the most expensive personal eff-up in the history of mankind. $100 Million is gone and will probably never come back. Well, one thing will be sure. He will NOT be able to play Tight End. His new position will be Wide Receiver. Yes, I KNOW he's a QB.

R.I.P.

Ike Turner: Looks like he beat Tina to death.

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

A 25-year-old man in Winter Haven was arrested after police said he ran over his neighbor's front yard Christmas decorations and then shot the man several times. A Polk County Sheriff's Office report said Matthew Lankford became involved in an altercation involving his sister and neighbor Douglas Sheldon. Lankford got into a vehicle and drove over Sheldon's Christmas decorations that were in the front yard.
Witnesses said Lankford retrieved a .45-caliber gun and shot Sheldon several times in the arm and abdomen. Witnesses said Sheldon did not appear to have any weapons.
Sheldon was transported to Lakeland Regional Medical Center in stable condition.
Lankford was charged with attempted murder in connection with the shooting. Looks like the Grinch came early this year.

TODAY IN HISTORY

303
The feast of St. Lucy. Because her extreme beauty attracted too many admirers, Lucy gouged her own eyes out. Miraculously they grew back. After refusing to marry, the Romans forced her to become a whore. Early depictions show Lucy offering her eyes on a platter; she is now the patron saint of Sicily and of opticians.
1937
The Japanese Army occupies Nanking, China. For the next three weeks, with the unspoken permission of the army, soldiers literally rape the city, committing untold individual acts of atrocity and killing 350,000 civilians. The Rape of Nanking remains an event unacknowledged and unapologized by the Japanese government.
1942
A fire at a Knights of Columbus men's dance in St. Johns, Newfoundland cooks approximately 100 people. The exits were locked.
1973
The Reverend Jim Jones is arrested in a cruisy movie theater bathroom in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, Jones had the bad luck to hit on an undercover LAPD vice officer while masturbating in the Westlake Theatre men's room.
1990
Twelve people die in a religious sacrifice in Tijuana. Industrial alcohol is introduced into fruit punch of ceremony recipients. It is unknown whether the incident constituted suicide or murder.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?

KID NATION

It's been noted in press reports that the alleged charges brought against "Kid Nation" have been dropped and the state of New Mexico won't be pursuing them. After watching the entire season, I can see why. For whatever flaws the show might have had (and it had several), it didn't seem to measure up to any sort of child abuse or violation of child labor laws. The pre-season brouhaha cited the lack of adult supervision as a big problem. Alas, for me, it was all of the adult intervention which became the biggest issue I had with the show. It wasn't the kids -- they were overall a fantastic bunch! There hasn't been an announcement whether there will be another season of the show or not. They had been accepting applications on the CBS website, but the deadline is long past and the link for applying has vanished. I think if they do have another season, a tad less blatant direction of the kids is in order. I know they can't just let the kids go wild -- maybe some ground rules, but I personally think that journal should be buried under the not selected "Kid Nation" monument. Tonight's finale opened with kids waxing eloquently about their fellow kids. Once again, I keep wondering about the editing and time frames of some of the scenes. Throughout the season, Greg's chin scrape has appeared and disappeared. Kids wear jackets and it seems very cold, then the next scene they're looking comfortable in short sleeve t-shirts. What's up with that? So, what happens to the "pioneers" when structure is removed from their lives in town? Mike discovered the job board moved to the center of a street and on fire. And, then it started. Absolute chaos reigned as the kids were told they had no more jobs or responsibilities for the remaining two days. Uh-oh.
The candy and dry goods stores were looted. It reminded me of outright looting seen during riots, the blackout of 1977 in NYC, and such. Oh, without the danger or anger in those situations, but certainly with the wanton destruction of property and the theft issues. But then there are those kids. You know which ones -- the kids with a conscience. I'm talking Zach, Sophia, DK, and others. Even some who initially got taken in with the idea of all the candy they could barf came around to their senses.
The next day, the kids all came together and cleaned up the mess from the madness of the night before. Aw, such a perfect little world they have going on there, don't they? I don't think that happened after many of the real life lootings. Sure, friends and some volunteers help out, but you don't see the looters return to clean up their mess. Then adult host Jonathan Karsh announced there would be no showdown and the council had to decide right then and there (after a brief discussion) who would be the last gold star recipient. DK, who might be a bit too sensitive for his own good, cried because he didn't want to make such an important decision. Now, I like DK, but he does need to toughen up just a bit. I think the council made a good decision is choosing Zach. He cries sometimes too, but on the whole he controls his emotions a bit more than DK. He's a good worker, has great moral values, and was the perfect choice for the final golden star, I think. But, of course, it wasn't the final golden star as we would find out on their Day 40. In the meantime, Migle ended up getting hyped up, as did Morgan.
That's another faux pas with the show. I realize they feel they might have to remind us of the value of some kids. After all, there were 40 of them (37 in the finale). No, we can't remember them all by face and name. Sometimes I'd see a kid and wonder where they were all season. Sometimes kids who were featured prominently in an episode or two vanish into the woodwork. Divad is an example of a woodwork child. But it's always a dead giveaway when the show focused on a child or two other than some of the key players like Jared, Greg, Zach, Laurel, other council leaders, etc. With no real showdown, they kind of had a showdown. The kids had to prepare for a Bonanza City Bonanza party by completing three tasks in an alloted time frame. The reward would be three huge $50,000 gold stars awarded as opposed to the ones throughout the season which were merely $20,000. Looking at it from my jaded adult view, I could see that the whole thing was set up to make the kids all work together as a team to accomplish their goals. Heck, even some of the kids there could see it. But work together they did -- making a huge spaghetti meal from scratch which included making the pasta and crushing tomatoes for the sauce. Then they had to build picnic tables and finally, they had to bury all of the trash from their dump. They made it within the time frame and got an added treat. Their parents all came! Woohoo! Tears of joy all around and lots of hugging. I noticed that Alex seemed to shun physical hugging ... interesting. The kids got to show off their town and a good time was had by all.
Then it got down to business. The parents went with the children for the last town hall meeting. Sophia was the first one selected to win one of the big gold stars. Like the Zach choice, I think it was well-deserved. She's been a rock through the whole show and a good worker, too. And, another thing I like about her is that she will speak her mind. She really held concern about the town on the whole and her own personal work ethic was admirable. Then it was Morgan and Migle, not unexpectedly at all due to the build-up. I'm sure they're deserving kids. But I would have liked to see Mike get one. That excitable boy tried so hard throughout the season that I thought he might pop blood vessels in his excited phase. My main little man Jared never won a gold star, but I think he won a lot of hearts over out there. He wasn't always a hard worker. He also didn't always behave like an angel. But he's such an oddly delightful and intelligent child that I'm sure he could very well win that Nobel Prize sometime in the future. For me, he's one of the reasons I enjoyed the show so much. Will there be another "Kid Nation"? I really don't know at this time. But if there is, I'd be tempted to watch it once again just to get to know the kids. How about you? If they return, what changes would you suggest?

GEEK TALK

When am I gonna learn how to punch? AICN is posting a nutty rumor today with regards to the new Justice League flick. Remember how director George Miller had said recently during the AFI Awards that when it goes before cameras, Justice League would have a different name? Well, according to a tipster, that name may have already been leaked by Batman. No, not the rumored-to-be-playing-Batman, Armie Hammer, but the other Batman, Christian Bale. Here's what they claim: "Christian Bale was on Nova (FM) today in an interview (pre-recorded I assume) for "Yuma" and said he has "nothing to do with AMERICAN HEROES, and their Batman will be different to our Batman." Wait, so are they calling it American Heroes? WTF? Personally, not only do I think it's a horrible title, but there's no way Warner Bros. will go with a title that could potentially hinder box office sales worldwide. This is the same issue G.I. Joe was having; how they're apparently going out of their way to include a wide array of characters from different countries in order to make it less American and more world-friendly. I doubt this is the title, but if it was, what do you think?

MOVIE BUZZ

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
George Lucas swore that he'd have a trailer ready for fans byChristmas, but instead all we get is a crummy painted poster. George, here's a New Year's resolution for you: Don't lie.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
The funny first 10 minutes of the John C. Reilly comedy are now online, and they show his character as a young boy and his brother growing up on a farm and getting involved in dangerous stunts like playing chicken with a tractor and dueling with machetes. At least those things are better than daring each other to experience their "first time" with the livestock. By the way, I downloaded the soundtrack from iTunes and it's great.
Star Trek
Some fan caught the first blurry pictures of Chris Pine as Captain Kirk wearing some kind of strange orange outfit. However, with the recent sentencing of Kiefer Sutherland and Michael Vick, maybe orange jumpsuits are the wave of the future in fashion.
Jumper
There's a newer, more action-filled trailer for the sci-fi film that features Hayden Christensen being able to teleport himself anywhere in the world, including on top of famous landmarks like Big Ben and the Sphinx. The only place not so fun to find oneself on? Sitting on top of the Washington Monument.
Bio-Dome 2
Stephen Baldwin says he's going to star in a sequel with or without his co-star. Who would have thought after all these years it would be Pauly Shore who would be the one to hold onto his last shred of dignity?
Cop Movie
Keenen Ivory, Shawn and Marlon Wayans, the guys behind the first two Scary Movies, are planning to do the exact same thing for action flicks. So, they'll make one semi-decent comedy that spawns an endless series of unfunny crap.
Possession
The Grudge star Sarah Michelle Gellar is starring in another remake of a Japanese film. This time, her dead husband possesses her creepy brother-in-law. Gellar loves being in Japanese remakes so much she's even sewn her own rubber Godzilla suit just in case.
The A-Team
The big screen update of the beloved '80s TV series may have scored a decent director: Boyz in the Hood's John Singleton. The new version also promises to be more violent and sexier than the show ever was, which I hope means there's plenty of scenes where the team's van is a-rockin'.
Machine Girl
Some sites are saying that this incredibly gory film about a girl who gets her arm cut off and replaces it with a machine gun is going to be next year's big cult hit. I'll recommend watching the gross trailer, but there's so much blood spraying in this thing you might want to put a raincoat on first.
Inkheart
In the trailer, Brendan Fraser has the magical ability to bring any fantasy character he wants to life. If I had that power, I know who I'd conjure up first: Smurfette.
Whip It
Drew Barrymore is going to make her directing debut about women's roller derby, where girls strap on skates, zip around in a circle and elbow, punch and knock each other down. I've had a couple of dates that sound very similar.
And now for the review of
THE GOLDEN COMPASS
starring Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Dakota Blue Richards, Ben Walker, Eva Green, Sam Elliott, Christopher Lee, and the voices of Freddie Highmore, Ian McKellen, Ian McShane, Kristin Scott Thomas and Kathy Bates. A headstrong young girl named Lyra (newcomer Richards) holds the keys to the upcoming battle between worldwide oppression and … um … dust. OK, they don't explain the significance of the dust exactly, except that all matter seems to come from it, and the "Magisterium" (this story's stand-in for the Church) hates it when people talk about it and would like to outlaw any acknowledgment of its existence. The girl gets involved with a truth-telling compass, an alcoholic warrior bear, some traveling Romany-ish folks, a child-theft conspiracy led by Kidman, spirit-guide animals and a gang of foxy witches. Look, it all makes sense when you watch it.
It moves at a land-speed-record pace, which might bug some people, because you never really get time to breathe (it's in that much of a crazy fire-engine hurry), but that's because they've got a lot of stuff to pack in. And the character of Lyra is as emotionally involving as Luke Skywalker and Frodo. No, I don't think that's an exaggeration, so save your e-mails. Why aren't there awards for voice casts? Because McKellen as the armored-covered warrior bear Iorek Byrnison makes you wish you could have your own armor-covered warrior bear guarding your back. He makes this CG animal majestic and troubled and brave and moving. That's deserving of some sort of prize. Cookie bouquet. Something. I saw this ad for Botox recently and its newtagline is "express yourself," which is pretty funny considering that injecting it into your head makes you look like you've been cryogenically frozen. And although I have no hardcore evidence that Kidman is addicted to the stuff, I think we can all agree that her face looks a little different than it used to. Here, her recently acquired facial immobility (she is able to move her eyebrows though — I paid attention) really works for her character, upping the icy, creepy evil she wants to project. As usual, she's on point. Note to Atheists: It might be subtextually anti-organized religion and, thematically, the flipside of the Narnia coin, but it exists in a magical spiritual world all the same, one where souls are real and locked in battle with evil forces. So just because the hard-core religious people will protest it, don't think this movie is some kind of answer to your prayers. From 1 to 10, I give it a 6. 

There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile. Check out the Phile at Myspace.com/peverettphile as well as myspace.com/foghatmusic and Foghat.com. Until next week, spread the word, not the turd. Peace!


























Thursday, December 6, 2007

Smack My Ass And Call Me Santa

Season's greetings, Phile Phans, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. I just got home from working late, so if this entry seems short, its probably because I fell asleep. So, you heard of Toys For Tots, right? Well, I want to start pu Toys For Tits. Sad news in Omaha. A gunman opened fire at a busy Omaha mall yesterday, killing at least eight people, wounding at least five others and then killing himself. The gunman left a suicide note that was found at his home which said he was "going out in style." Going out in style??? You are... I mean WERE in Omaha, for shits sake! A college student shoved a pumpkin pie into the face of a shopping-mall Santa Claus in Montana. He "lightly smooshed" the pie into the man's face Wednesday and shouted, "What do you think of that, Santa?" Hope you find the legal fees funny there, Einstein. Moron. So, this weekend my wife and her neice are going to go see Keith 
Urban twice in concert. If I was him, I wouldn't thrust my hips, roll my shoulder, make eye contact, hug my guitar, sweat, or sing. In fact, I wouldn't even show up. 
What am I talking about? Of course I would. I am doing that right now.

R.I.P.

Evel Knievel: But he said his death would be "Glorious". I want a refund!

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

A man who robbed two other men he met through a telephone dating service has been arrested, police and sheriff's deputies said today. Mark Joseph Scott, 44, was arrested in St. Petersburg and charged with two counts of armed robbery, resisting with violence and battery on a law enforcement officer. Last Saturday, police say he arranged to go to the Indian Rocks Road house of a man he met through a telephone dating service. Once inside, he threatened the man with a knife, tied him up and stole some property. Two days later, he committed a similar crime at a residence off of Rosemary Lane, they said. Largo Police and Pinellas County Sheriff's Deputies worked on the cases together and developed Scott as a suspect. They arrested him after a brief struggle Wednesday in St. Petersburg, and say they recovered items taken from the victims' homes.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1793
Guillotining of Mme. du Barry, mistress of Louis XV. "She screamed, she begged mercy of the horrible crowd that stood around the scaffold, she aroused them to such a point that the executioner grew anxious and hastened to complete his task."
1917
At 9:05 AM, the munitions ship Mont Blanc explodes in Halifax harbor after being struck by another ship. It is the largest explosion before the atomic age. The ship was carrying 200 tons of TNT, 61 tons of gun cotton, 35 tons of Benzyl, and 2,300 tons of picric acid; the explosion destroys 325 acres of the city, leaving 1,900 people dead and injuring over 9,000.
1969
A concert by the Rolling Stones at Altamont ends in the death of a fan at the hands of the Hells Angels, who were hired for security.
1980
Televangelist Jim Bakker of the PTL ministry has a 15 minute quickie in a motel room with Jessica Hahn. The minister uses the line "When you help the shepherd, you're helping the sheep". Baaaa. PTL later pays Hahn hush money, but seven years later the incident becomes public and Bakker resigns in disgrace.
1987
Three teenagers in Missouri beat a friend to death and blame the incident on heavy metal inspired satanism. The jury didn't buy their story, instead finding a pattern of drug use among the youths and evidence of animal torture during childhood by their ringleader.
1989
Marc Lepine kills 14 women at Ecole Polytechnic, University of Montreal, and injures 15 others. It is the worst mass murder in Canadian history. On him is a suicide letter explaining his actions as being specific revenge against 19 "feminists who have ruined my life... I have decided to put an end to those viragos."

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q. What's female Viagra? A. Jewelry.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: Why are seagulls called seagulls? A: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

NUTTED BY REALITY

Oh, my. The time is really getting down there for the kiddie pioneers of "Kid Nation". Next week is the season finale. So many deserving kids, so many kids who are mere faces in the crowd. Who will get the last few gold stars? Brains? Brawn? Need? Greed? What will be the criteria? Well, they're kids, so it's hard to say. But one thing is for sure, they'll be steered by the invisible adults in the background all the way to the decision. For me, that's been the nagging flaw of the show -- the amount of adult intervention. But the most enjoyable aspect of the show is getting to know the children themselves. The little kids are the ones I enjoy the most. Jared, with his crooked glasses and often odd headgear, spouting Shakespeare and quantum theories. Alex with his snaggly tooth and more knowledge of science than I had as a college senior. Even Zach, only ten years old, yet compassionate and wise beyond his years. Heck, even tonight Taylor showed a bit of maturity. Maybe there's hope after all, eh?

HEROES

I have a lot of problems with Monday's season/fall finale of "Heroes". Why didn't Hiro freeze time again when he got into the vault with Adam? Why didn't Peter just stop time when Nathan was shot? Why was Nathan's press conference indoors when he was about to announce he could fly? What's the sense in killing Nathan and not Matt and Peter, when they can just show the world their powers? Why can't Hiro just go back in time to prevent Nathan from being killed, or why don't they just use Claire's blood (or Peter's?) to save him? And on and on and on it goes. I guess that's the problem of introducing time travel and immortality to a story. Anything can happen so it all seems ridiculous. Still, the show is a blast and I'll be back for the third volume. Creator Tim Kring has an interview over at TVGuide.com where he talks about the finale. I won't tell you everything he has to say (he doesn't give any hints as to what the fates of Nathan and Niki are), but I would guess that the most interesting news is that the strike might actually help the show in a (small) way. Since the filming has been pushed back, Zachary Quinto (Syler) will probably be done filming Star Trek and be available for "Heroes" full-time again.

GEEK TALK

I'd just like to say that it's a pleasure to write about three films that aren't sequels: A brand new behind-the-scenes clip from Speed Racer has hit the net, courtesy of "Entertainment Tonight". In it, they go on set with Matthew Fox (aka Racer X) to learn a little about the cars, the film's vibe and the production. I hated the cartoon, but after seeing the trailer it looks so unbelievably awesome -- you seriously have no idea how insane this film is going to look. No idea. The Wachowski Brothers are back and they're officially bad ass to the bone. Just hold on because you're all in for one helluva ride when this puppy touches down in theaters on May 9. Looks like that live-action G.I. Joe project is slowly piecing together its cast. Slashfilm reports that Ray Park (better known as Darth Maul from Star Wars Episode I) has been cast as Snake Eyes. Those fans of the toyline, animated series and comic books will remember Snake Eyes as this mysterious ninja character who is known for his martial arts capabilities. the day? Anyway, Sienna Miller has already been cast as the Baroness, evil sidekick to Destro. So whaddya think of Ray Park? Maul is back baby! Finally, Paramount is sending around a new photo from Iron Man, which looks pretty damn awesome. In the film, which arrives in theaters on May 2, Robert Downey Jr. kicks off a whole new superhero franchise as the alcoholic, multi-millionaire-turned-robot loving madman, Tony Stark. He builds this suit, kicks some ass, woos Gwyneth Paltrow (Pepper Potts) and, at some point, runs into Samuel L. Jackson as fellow Marvel hero Nick Fury. Here's hoping director Jon Favreau kicks off the Summer of '08 with a bang ... and a boom.

MOVIE BUZZ

The Dark Knight
There's a new teaser poster out and reports now say Batman doesn't even appear in the film's first six minutes, which will be shown before I Am Legend IMAX screenings. Instead, the Joker pulls off a bank robbery then kills his henchmen, who are all dressed like clowns. I ask you, is that something Jack Nicholson would have done? By the way, you can see the poster on the Phile's Myspace page.
Public Enemies
Johnny Depp might join Michael Mann's biopic about the legendary bank robber John Dillinger who once allegedly busted out of jail using a fake gun carved out of a potato. After spending so much time with knives on Sweeney Todd, Johnny is looking to work with much safer props.
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
There's several promo photos showing the boys, among other things, in a sex shop with Neil Patrick Harris and with two lingerie-clad babes in an airplane hanger. Of course, it would be better to be hanging with the girls in the sex shop, but anything's better than being stuck in the Cuban prison.
Iron Man and
The Incredible Hulk
The two superheroes may cross over into each other's movies next year, in secretly filmed scenes. That'd be cool. It'd be like watching the Jolly Green Giant opening a can of peas.
Semi-Pro
Will Ferrell gets his '70s groove on while sporting extra short basketball shorts and a giant afro in the movie. The reason his hair's so high is that his character's signature move is to hide the ball in there just before he makes a big shot.
The Tale of the Body Thief
It looks like Tom Cruise is going to have to stay out of the sun and transform himself into a pasty-faced freak to portray the vampire Lestat in this sequel to Interview With the Vampire. It also looks like Katie is preparing herself to audition for a co-starring role.
The Gate
The cult Stephen Dorff-starring horror film from the '80s about tiny demons overrunning a suburban house is getting a modern remake with high-tech F/X. Meanwhile, Dorff is busy sitting at home remaking his brief five-month relationship with Pamela Anderson in his mind.
Survivor
I Am Legend director Francis Lawrence is now back on to make a movie out of the novel by Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club), about a guy who intentionally crashes an airplane. The film was originally going to be made back in 2001, but production halted at the time. Hmmm, I can't imagine why …
Tanner Hall
A rejected UPN pilot by Ringo Starr's daughter about girls living at a boarding school is being reworked into a feature film. Awesome! Now maybe they can finally make a big-screen version of my favorite UPN show, "Homeboys in Outer Space".
Gucci Biopic
Ridley Scott has announced yet another project, a biopic of Maurizio Gucci who ran the family fashion business in the '80s and '90s and who was gunned down in front of his house. An overzealous stickler caught him coming out wearing white pants after Labor Day and went berserk.
And now, the review of...
BEE MOVIE
starring Jerry Seinfeld, RenĂ©e Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, Patrick Warburton, John Goodman, Chris Rock, Kathy Bates, Barry Levinson, Larry King, Ray Liotta, Sting, Oprah Winfrey, Larry Miller, Megan Mullally, Rip Torn, and Michael Richards. First, it's about a bee that dreams of being outside the hive instead of working nonstop; then it's about a bee — same bee — falling in love with Zellweger, which is weird, and the whole interspecies romance thing is never fully explained; then it's about a bee — still, same bee, and from here on out, I'll still be talking about the same bee — that's upset that humans are eating honey; then it's about a bee that becomes a lawyer and sues the people of Earth; finally, it's about a bee that flies a jet airplane. They could do this forever with sequels. The next movie, he'll be a bee that wants to make artisanal cheese who becomes hell-bent on revenge when his family is attacked by street thugs. Every 10 minutes or so, something that'll make you laugh happens. The true moral(s) of the film are there's no place like home. Have dreams but be realistic about them. Don't be lazy or anti-work. If you're Ray Liotta or Sting, have final say on how they design a character that's supposed to look just like you. As for as CGI animated movies go, there's no end in sight. They can keep making these forever. They can make another bee movie if they want. They did it with ants. IT WILL NEVER END. Anyway, I gave it a ten rom a scale of 1 to 10. I hate bees, but after seeing this movie, I kinda think they're cool.

Well, there you have another entry of the Phile, and as I write this, it's 12:30, and I am tired as hell. Check out the Peverett Phile at Myspace as well as Foghat.com and Myspace.com/foghatmusic. Until next week, spread the word, not the turd.







































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