Hello, and welcome to the latest entry of the Peverett Phile. Big news: Rosie O’Donnell is leaving "The View.” After making that announcement, she shaved her head and checked into rehab. Do you believe the turnover at that show? It makes the Iraqi government look stable. McDonald’s has just introduced a Happy Meal with toys inspired by "American Idol.” The toys include a microphone, sunglasses, and a Paula Abdul shot glass. New York City Mike Bloomberg says he wants to copy an anti-poverty program that’s currently used in Mexico. Apparently Mexico has a great anti-poverty program — it’s called a bus ticket to Los Angeles. Jessica Simpson’s father has offered to manage Britney Spears’ career. When asked why he wants to manage Britney, he said, "She‘s like the third untalented daughter I never had.”
Former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s ex-wife says in her new book that McGreevey is not really homosexual. She’s says he’s not really homosexual. McGreevey was furious and said, "How many guys do you have to screw to get your wife to call you gay?” Astronomers made an amazing discovery. A new planet that may be able to support life. You know name scientists have given this planet? 581C. Can’t they do better than that? That doesn’t sound like a planet — that sounds like an apartment. Hillary Clinton says that if she’s elected, she will name her husband "roving ambassador to the world." Former President Bill Clinton will be the roving ambassador to the world. Let me think about this . . . Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife . . . No, I can’t see anything going wrong there. President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited president Bush to visit Machu Pichu Bush said, "Great! I love Pokemon.” Bill Clinton announced he would be traveling to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia, Boris Yeltsin. At least that’s what he’s telling Hillary. While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles working on "American Idol,” his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves, but Cowell described them as "amateurish and uninspired." Archaeologists in Miami have unearthed part of a human skeleton that is almost 3,000 years old. Apparently they found the 3,000-year-old skeleton when they X-rayed Larry King.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
CHECK, PLEASE: Doctors desperately tried to re-attach a man's penis after he burst into a crowded London restaurant on Sunday, dropped his trousers, and hacked his own organ off in front of horrified diners. The man, thought to be Polish, ran into the Zizzi Italian restaurant on The Strand at about 9pm on Sunday night, when it was crowded with people who had been watching the London Marathon earlier in the day. Sales rep Stuart McMahon, who was eating at the restaurant with his girlfriend, told the Sun: "This guy came running in then charged into the kitchen, got a massive knife and started waving it about. Everyone was screaming and running out as he jumped on a table, dropped his trousers and popped his penis out. Then he cut it off. I couldn't believe it." Restaurant staff called the police, who had to subdue the man with CS gas, before taking him to hospital. They also picked up the severed penis, put it on ice, and gave it to doctors. A spokesman for St Thomas's Hospital, where the man was taken, confirmed that doctors had attempted to re-attach the organ – but would not say if the procedure had been successful. It is thought to be the first time in Britain that a penis has been sewn back on, Police are still trying to identify the man, who was not carrying any form of identification on him. A source told The Sun: "We believe he's Polish and 35. We don't know if he has a history of mental illness, but he's clearly not a well boy."
TODAY IN HISTORY
1865:
Discovered hiding in a farmer's tobacco shed, John Wilkes Booth is shot in the neck by a complete lunatic. Dying and paralyzed from the neck down, he whispers: "Tell my mother I did it for my country." As his hands are held up to his face, Booth mutters "useless... useless..." They are his last words.
1933:
Hermann Goering founds the Geheime Staatspolizei, otherwise known as the Gestapo. The original purpose of this "Secret State Police" is to disrupt and harass opponents of National Socialism, but it will later come to adopt many additional responsibilities.
1969:
Paul McCartney denies rumors of his recent death. Eventually, most people come to believe him.
1986:
44 seconds into a late-night experiment at the Chernobyl nuclear power station, reactor number four sustains two large explosions. A plume of dangerous radioactivity looms three kilometers high, making it the worst catastrophe in the history of nuclear power. The Soviet news agency TASS holds off reporting the incident for almost 48 hours.
1991:
In a telephone interview, Michigan judge Francis Bourisseau explains that he would never grant an abortion to a minor, except perhaps for white girls raped by blacks. For some reason, this statement manages to attract wide attention.
HEROES
It's Linderman's voice we hear over the "previously on Heroes" opening segment, rather than that of previous narrator Mohinder. That's an improvement. To tell you the truth I didn't know what to expect tonight. "Heroes" seems like it has been gone so long, I started worrying that its return would inevitably fail to live up to my anticipation. I needn't have worried. I quickly found myself falling right back into the groove of the show. My favorite storyline was the Texas one. I enjoyed HRG's orchestration of the escape, using his knowledge of Matt and Ted's powers. As the Eric Roberts character will later say of HRG to the Artist Mohinder: "Glasses? Tall fella? He's no longer with the company." No doubt. Though how funny is it when Matt suddenly realizes HRG is not some major player, but only "middle-management" without absolute knowledge of what the Company's overall agenda is, or even that Linderman is involved? Linderman turns out to be some sort of idealist, in his own mind at least. Got to say though, that plan of bringing about world unity via nuclear disaster is a pretty tough sale. Recent history alone is filled with plenty of unprecedented catastrophes -- none of which have brought the human race to any condition approaching unity. Sorry, even for a super-villain this plan's dicey. Naturally, this may not be Linderman's real motivation, but only his approach at hooking Nathan. And Nathan seems to take the bait. Early on, it does look as if Nathan's repulsed by the whole scheme. The clincher seems to be Nathan's discovery that Peter might (though it is still a mighty big might) be able to survive self-explosion. By this time Nathan has had a chance to salivate awhile over the idea of himself in the Oval Office. Nathan hears Peter's theory that Claire's presence in New York is the "save the world" part of a certain famous catch-phrase. He decides to send her to Paris until after the election anyway. Seems clear that Nathan is signing on to the Linderman plan. It's a good thing Mohinder packed Peter's corpse into the cab and personally brought it to the Petrelli mansion, rather than, say, call 911. It's probably no surprise to viewers that Peter didn't stay dead. The real suspense here came in wondering how he would return to life and how long it would take. Because of the early reveal of Linderman's own ability, I thought Peter might actually stay dead awhile and get resurrected by the big man himself. Or maybe that Mama Petrelli's (still unrevealed) power might also be as a healer of some sort. But Claire's removal of a glass shard hidden in Peter's trademarked dark wavy locks made a nice sortof symmetry with his first meeting of cheerleader. Future Hiro, when he contacted Peter, stopping time in a subway car early in the series, mentioned not recognizing Peter "without his scar." Peter didn't get that scar from Sylar we now know. With his Claire-ability I imagine giving him a physical scar won't be easy in any case. Maybe this indicates that the past (from Future Hiro's point-of-view) has been changed, or maybe additional scarification possibilities lie ahead in Peter's future. Candice tries to pass herself off as Claire to HRG, but he isn't fooled. Impersonating family-members to get information is not the kind of trick you can pull over and over again on the same person, after all. Actually, I think Candice and the Company are attempting to mess with Mr. Bennet's head here, and not really fool him. Candice soon moves on to kidnapping Micah for Linderman. He politely asks Jessica for Micah first, which you'd think would spur Jessica into running away immediately with the kid, but it doesn't. Anyhow, with the way Jessica/Niki and D.L. handle their lives, maybe Micah is better off as the pawn of an evil billionaire for awhile. D.L. makes an interesting statement at one point. He says Jessica's personality is a lot more like Niki/Jessica's father than that of the dead twin, so crazy in this family goes back at least one generation. Isaac the artist gets a real send-off. I actually started to like him for the first time right as he's dying, which is the way it seems to go on these contemporary serial dramas. Sylar appears mesmerized by his newest ability, painting the future. But if Isaac is right this is just about the end of the road for the serial-killer. Syar's own painting-style is, appropriately for the character, much more twisted than Isaac's. His own rendering of a previously-painted scene is distorted and savage. We only get back to the future with Hiro and Ando in the final minutes, just enough time for Hiro to confuse Ando with his theory about how Isaac might still be alive. I suspect most fans were happy to see Future Hiro turn up. However, Future Hiro himself seems none too pleased with his past self. "You," he says, with unreserved contempt. Didn't expect that. I'm looking forward to see how it plays out ...
DOCTOR WHO
The Sci Fi channel has announced it will begin airing "Doctor Who" series three in July. The third season of the program is already airing on the BBC, but American Whovians are used to waiting a little while to get their fix. The new season will kick off with the Christmas special episode "The Runaway Bride," so I guess this will be a sort of Christmas in July. David Tennant will reprise his role as the Doctor, although it's anybody's guess whether he'll be back for a fourth season. With the departure of Billie Piper, the Doctor will pick up a new traveling companion, Martha Jones, played by Freema Agyeman. Sci Fi says the second season of "Doctor Who" drew more than 1 million viewers each week, which are pretty good numbers for the niche cable network.
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
According to CNN, Mark Hamill has agreed to resurrect Luke Skywalker for -- wait for it -- a thirty-minute "Robot Chicken" special on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. Not only that, but George Lucas (who, of course, had to give the greenlight) will play himself in the special. Imagine that one! Lucas has lightened up. I love it! Apart from acting, Lucasfilm helped collaborate with Chicken creators Seth Green and Matthew Senreich, going so far as to provide them with sound files on Chewbacca and R2-D2. The special, "Robot Chicken: Star Wars", will premiere on Adult Swim this June 17 at 10PM EST. I've never been a huge fan of Seth Green, but the man earned a ton of respect from me when his "Robot Chicken" hit the boob tube last year (or was it the year before, I forget?). The show, which utilizes a stop-motion animation technique, is so ridiculously funny that I often find myself laughing so loud, my neighbors are forced to bang on the wall. This entire special came about after Robot Chicken featured a skit called Emperor's Phone Call, in which Darth Vader calls the Emperor to let him know the Death Star has been blown up. When reps from Lucasfilm wanted the sketch for StarWars.com, a meeting was held between Green, Senreich and Lucasfilm, they pitched their ideas and, now, Luke Skywalker is coming back! Now, don't get too excited -- it's not like Hamill will bring back Luke for the upcoming animated Star Wars TV show, but knowing those Chicken boys, I'm sure this one-time appearance will be worth awatch.
NUTTED BY REALITY
On this, the third-to-last episode of "The Amazing Race", the four remaining teams had various meltdowns: Danny and Oswald couldn’t find the waterfront or the pit stop; Charla and Mirna couldn’t cut noodles the right size or drive a tiny car; and Eric and Danielle were consumed with rage about being Yielded. Despite all of this drama, none of the teams suffered as a result, and what fun is pain without penalty?
“Thanks, Travelocity,” Danny said at the start of the episode, as he and Oswald surfed the Internet to look at the prize they won last week. The screen shot we saw, however, was obviously fake and not really their web surfing. They were probably checking their e.mail.
Ironically, a few minutes later, Oswald asked, “are we allowed to prostitute ourselves on the race?” as if they hadn’t just done that for Travelocity. By the way, every time I mention Travelocity I get five cents.
Mirna told us, “People think that because Charla’s short, they think I’m supposed to treat her in a special way.” Actually, no one thinks that, but we do think people should treat you however one treats a harpy.
“We’ll Yield whoever you want,” Oswald told Dustin and Kandice, asking for only cash in return, thus giving us the first instance of Yield-whoring ever.
Dustin and Kandice paid to Yield Eric and Danielle. “Now we officially are the Yield queens. We just bought a Yield,” Dustin or Kandice said. We’re almost at the end of their second season and I still have no idea which one is which.
At the Macau Tower, Phil introduced the Roadblock, “the highest jump in the history of The Amazing Race.” Walking around the top of the Macau Tower before jumping, Charla said, “The wind is blowing me, it’s pushing me away.” How funny would it have been if she was blown off the tower? She was safely strapped in, so she would have been fine, but I totally wanted to see her go flying. Yes, I’m ashamed.
“We’re not really worried about getting Yielded again; we already got Yielded once,” Eric said. As soon as he realized he had been Yielded, he said, “You guys are pieces of shit” and other charming things such as, “I’m gonna kick down Danny and Oswald’s face when I see ‘em.”
Oswald, frustrated with a lost cab driver, said, “God grant me the patience to withstand the things I cannot change. And the intelligence to hide the body of this man once I’m done killing him.”
From the Things Eric Has Probably Said Before files, Eric told Danielle, “You’re not doing anything by holding that. Pull the stuff.”
“Your car go; our car behind you,” Charla told a cab driver, again slipping into her weird imitation of a foreign language.
“We need to reverse the car back. I don’t want to die,” Charla said. Suggestion: Tell your cousin to stop pulling the car backwards with her hands and, You know, actually drive it.
Waiting out their 30-minuted penalty (they were marked for elimination), Eric said, “Don’t even get excited, because in four minutes, they’re going to show up.” But Danny and Oswald didn’t and thus the Yielded were able to check in. “The rest of my hair’s going to fall out; I need to get double Propecia or something,” Eric said, being impressively self-deprecating for a change.
After getting lost, Danny and Oswald checked in last but were saved by the last non-elimination leg, another undramatic conclusion.
MOVIE BUZZ
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
Matt Groening says that Bart will have a scene of full-frontal nudity.
CROSSING THE LINE
How does Peter Jackson follow up the nine-hour Lord of the Rings trilogy and the three-hour King Kong remake? With a 12-minute WWI film.
FILTH AND WILSON
Madonna is planning her directing debut. Her husband's obviously given up on making a good movie ever again, so why shouldn't she give it a shot?
AVATAR vs. MONSTERS vs. ALIENS
These two sci-fi flicks are slated to be released in 3-D on Memorial Day 2009. I hope the ads they show before each film are in 3-D, too, because that would be totally awesome.
FLETCH WON
Zach Braff says he's "too busy" to star in the prequel. So that means Fletch won't be a whiney suburban dude with romance "issues"? Darn, then I definitely don't want to go see that then.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
Avi Arad admitted he was only joking when he implied the Hulk was going to be gray. Others say he got his color back once Edward Norton was told his onscreen girlfriend would probably be Jessica Biel. Hubba hubba.
There you have it, kids. The latest entry of the Phile. If you're taking score, we are at over 1700 views right now. 2000 is not far away, and I think we can reach it by June. Just send a bulletin to everyone on your Myspace friends list or address book and invite them to go check the Phile out. Remember, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Once You Go Mac You'll Never Go Back
Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Peverett Phile, 2.0 edition. This is the first entry done on my new iMac. Let me know what you think. So, how are you all? How about this, ladies and gentlemen – we’re already getting sucked up into the 2008 Presidential campaign. Are you fascinated and interested in the 2008 Presidential campaign? Thank you, I appreciate you playing along. Listen to this: John Edwards, Presidential hopeful John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut. That’s a lot of dough. I mean, honest to God, ladies and gentlemen, my hairpiece didn’t cost me $400…But here’s the worst part: earlier tonight, Edwards hosted a dinner to raise money for a facial. You know what’s exciting is the "American Idol"? Do you folks watch the "American Idol"? And you know what? It looks like that kid Sanjaya could win the whole thing. When is Al Sharpton going to step in on this one? Happy anniversary, by the way, to Larry King, celebrating 50 years in broadcasting. Happy anniversary to him. And I want to say something: you watch that show, Larry has not lost a step. Any night, you can still hear Larry say, ‘Clifton, New Jersey, you’re on with Suzanne Pleshette.’ That Larry King, though, you think about it: take away his good looks and his silky voice and what do you have? Ladies and gentlemen, here’s good news – Regis Philbin is coming back to his show next Thursday. Next Thursday, yep, not a minute too soon – they’re running out of guest hosts. They’re already up to the ‘Ts’ in the phone book…As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, Kelly Ripa co-hosted the show with Larry Birkhead. But I think Regis is pretty much ready to go. You know, coming back to a show after you’ve had open heart surgery, that’s tough, but I think Regis is ready to go. Although, they say he’ll probably co-host the first week with a catheter. Prom season – oh my gosh, prom season already, ladies and gentlemen. How many folks remember your – how many folks remember your prom? And did you rent a limousine and have a chauffeur and stuff like that? Americans are lucky. In England we didn't have proms, drive in limo's and go on on dates. We walked home, sniffed glue and went into the bathroom with a box of tissues. Somehow, even though he’s been fired and you’d think it would all be over, the Imus story continues. This is the latest: Hillary Clinton announced that she will now meet with the Rutgers women’s basketball team. In a related story, Bill Clinton announced he’sgoing to meet with the Rutgers women’s swimming, volleyball, and gymnastics teams. Don Imus is off the air. Today, Imus made a point of thanking one of his sponsors, Bigelow Tea, for sticking by him. Iums said, "I want to reward Bigelow Tea’s loyalty by publically linking them to racism one last time.” Scientists say they’ve located the gene that causes obesity. Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he’s the inventor of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. It’s tax season. Earlier this week, Britney Spears checked herself into an H&R Block. Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing and he catches a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old fish. You know, I look at it this way — if I want a 90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood platter at Red Lobster. Guess what else? It's also the 77th birthday of the Twinkie. And I was surprised, because I thought the only 77-year-old Twinkie was Goldie Hawn. A marathon will be run at the North Pole. The winner is the guy who runs 26 miles and can still find his testicles. Carmen Electra has agreed to be the host of a TV show where women wrestle each other naked. The bad news is, the show is called "The View.”
TODAY IN HISTORY
1910:Halley's comet reappears, last seen in 1835. The Earth passes safely through the comet's tail with no perceptible effect, not counting the death of Mark Twain. 1943:During an early-morning operation to exterminate the residents of the Warsaw Ghetto, Nazi troops experience heavy casualties and are forced to retreat before nightfall. Jewish resistance fighters, armed with rifles and Molotov cocktails, manage to kill or wound at least 200. The battle will rage on for another three weeks. 1956:UK Frogman disappeared bugging underside of Khruschev's warship in Portsmouth. 1989:47 crewmen aboard the battleship USS Iowa are killed when a gun turret explodes during a training exercise in the Atlantic. Navy investigators later rule out all accidental causes, and conclude that someone manning the gun, "most probably" one Clayton Hartwig, had sabotaged its operation as a suicide attempt. The Navy ignored the fact that the propellant bags were 44 years old and proven to be chemically unstable. 1993:More than 80 Branch Davidians burn to death in Waco, Texas as the FBI stages a disastrous final assault on their compound. This brings a sudden end to the 51-day siege. 1995:Timothy McVeigh kills 168 Oklahomans when his truck bomb detonates in front of the Alfred P. Murrah federal building. 1995:Singer Bobby Brown is arrested at Disneyworld for beating a man and tearing off his ear. Neil Kelly, the man with the reattached ear, later sues Brown for $6.6 million but eventually settles out of court for an undisclosed sum.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Four teams, four episodes to go. What kind of ending of this "Amazing Race All-Stars" episode possibly have?
Dustin and Kandice had a conversation with an employee at the Kuala Lumpur airport that I swear was dubbed in. Suspiciously, we didn’t see her face at all during the whole conversation. The one thing we saw the woman say was “five o’clock,” and her lips didn’t really match the voice; perhaps it was easier than subtitling?
“It’s okay; keep it open,” a very kind man at China Airlines told Charla, who was trying to close the door to prevent other teams from coming in. Mirna, I think, lied and said, “It’s too cold, too cold!” and Charla closed it anyway. So this is what they meant by playing nice.
“Um, yeah, okay,” the China Airlines rep told Dustin and Kandice, who were insisting that it was important for them to get on the flight. What The Amazing Race needs are more people who will tell the teams and their camera crews to screw off.
“Whatever it takes,” Mirna told Eric, insisting that they should work together to get the blondes out. Now we know why the editors keep showing us the footage of Mirna talking about playing a clean game. Later, Mirna got into an annoying fight with them at another ticket counter. During one of these ticket counter fights, I’m just waiting for an airline rep to pepper spray them.
Ticketless, Dani asked Eric, “What do we do?” He said, “Go stand in a puddle and drop your hair dryer in it and kill ourselves.” Eric: all promises and no action.
“We can make a beauty queen sandwich out of her,” Dustin or Kandice said, referring to Mirna.
In the Kuala Lampur airport, Mirna pushed Charla, who was standing on a luggage cart. In the Hong Kong airport, Charla popped out the wheels on her tennis shoes, and Mirna pulled her along. Next week, Mirna pops open a playpen and lifts Charla into it, telling her play quietly while Mirna stands in line for tickets.
Phil introduced the Detour and said “teams have to choose between two things visitors commonly associate with Hong Kong.” The options: Kung fu fighting and “Lost in Translation.” Thus, when he said “visitors,” Phil meant “dumb Americans.”
For the part of the challenge where they had to find a sign written in Chinese, I assume Phil was referring to the film “Lost in Translation,” but it was set in Tokyo, not Hong Kong.
Explaining one of the Detour options, Phil said, “Once here, they must climb up an 11-story bamboo scaffold, while avoiding an ongoing battle between stunt kung fu experts.” Best. Challenge. Ever.
At the Fast Forward, while being strapped into a stunt car that was about to go up a ramp and flip, Oswald said, “If I wet these pants, it’s the only pair of clean pants that I brought.” Now he knows why Teri and Ian wear disposable underwear.
Climbing the bamboo scaffolding, Mirna said to the kung fu fighters, “We are trying to make love, not war.” I’m not going to ask why dangling from a rope and climbing up the side of a building is comparable to sex for Mirna.
Introducing the Roadblock, Phil said the team member “must enter the stunt world, Hong Kong-style.” So, out of four challenges in Hong Kong, three were stunt-related. Someone ran out of ideas and had to flip open their book of stereotypes.
“He was mad that I could possibly be right about something,” Danielle said of Eric, after she hired a cab to take them to the pit stop. They were last, but Eric, Danielle, and Eric’s green workout pants were saved by yet another non-elimination leg. Luckily they’re sticking around, because Eric’s last Amazing Race episode couldn’t be one during which he said nothing homoerotic.
SHARPENING AXES
This week I will feature some trivia on Foghat. Long time readers of the Phile will know that my dad was Lonesome Dave Peverett of Foghat.
In the Documentary film Spinal Tap Goes to 20, members of the band claimed that the plot and many of the incidents in This is Spinal Tap were based on Foghat.
Drummer Roger Earl sported one of the biggest mustaches among rock stars. To the dismay of many fans, he decided to shave it off before many of later reunion concerts.
Carl Brutananadilewski, a character in the TV series Aqua Teen Hunger Force, expressed in a commercial that he was a fan of Roger Earl, saying "I like the drummer from Foghat. That's my drummer."
The TV show "Still Standing" has a character that plays in a Foghat tribute band.
Their song "Slow Ride" was featured in the 1993 American movie Dazed and Confused. It has also been used in an episode of "Malcolm In The Middle", in a "Seinfeld" episode and in an episode of "Family Guy", where the evil monkey smokes a joint. It pulls station owner Jimmy James out of a coma in an episode of "NewsRadio". It was featured in the K-DST classic rock radio station of the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and an advertisement for the Honda Odyssey, and also an ad for Carl's Jr.
Most, if not all tracks from "Foghat Live" are featured as party music in the 1981 action-adventure film Nighthawks, starring Sylvester Stallone, Rutger Hauer, Billy Dee Williams and Lindsay Wagner, which includes a soundtrack by Keith Emerson, of Emerson, Lake & Palmer.
Roger Earl's brother, Colin, played keyboards for Foghat and was a founding member of Mungo Jerry, who had a hit of their own with "In the Summertime".
In the music video for Yo La Tengo's "Sugarcube", the members of Yo La Tengo are sent to "The Academy of Rock" by their record company. There, one of the teachers informs them of the "Foghat Rule", which is that fourth album must be double live.
In March of 2005 a high school student located in Chula Vista, CA petitioned his school principal to have "Slow Ride" by Foghat to be played as the school lunch bell. After lengthy battles with the administraion, threats of hunger strikes, and anarchy, an agreement was made. On March 18th Bonita Vista High School played Foghat as their lunch passing period bell.
In the fox TV series "King of the Hill", Bill Dauterive says " I made most of my life decisions at a Foghat concert... I stand by them."
Roger Earl had a famous but brief fling with Swedish actress and Bond Girl, Britt Eklund.
On Larry the Cable Guy's CD "A Very Larry Christmas", Foghat is mentioned in the track "The Christmas Story". The main character in that track, Bejesus, was special because he was conceived at a Foghat concert in the third row during the song "Slow Ride".
In the 1996 comedy Kingpin, Claudia tells Roy Munson, "Your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert. It really bites, Roy."
The song "Slow Ride" was featured in episode 9 of season 1 of the top rated TV drama "Dexter" in 2006.
In the Simpsons episode, "Like Father, Like Clown", the radio talkshow host interviewing Krusty The Clowns father can be seen wearing a Foghat T-shirt.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Landlord
Will Ferrell goes viral in this funny online short that pits him against a potty-talking, degenerate landlady who looks like she's about two years old. Quick, somebody sign that kid up to kick both Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin's butts!
Speed Racer
Christina Ricci is already out promoting her role as Speed's girlfriend Trixie in a video interview. But why does this look more like one of those videos cult members make for their families?
Atonement
Bathing Beauty Keira Knightley is all wet in this WWII drama that also stars James McAvoy. And, yes, that's your cue to pause the trailer when she pops out of the fountain.
The Incredible Hulk
Just about everyone was surprised to hear that Edward Norton is going to star as the giant green behemoth. I'm hoping there's a scene where he "Hulks out" and beats himself up.
Hairspray
Hound Dog John Travolta recently claimed that he's "bigger than Elvis," although even in a fat suit in this new trailer I think the King still had a few more pounds on him.
Sicko
Stunt Man Michael Moore took ailing 9/11 rescue workers down to Cuba for free socialized medicine treatments for his upcoming documentary. Was it really a good idea for people with respiratory problems to end up in a country famous for its cigars?
Untitled David Arquette Epic
Bizarro the Barbarian The kooky actor is writing and plans to direct a "Braveheart-style movie." He also claims that 300 "borrowed" some of the shots he'd already had planned out for it. That's what the voices in his head are telling him, anyway.
Untitled David Arquette Epic
The kooky actor is writing and plans to direct a "Braveheart-style movie." He also claims that 300 "borrowed" some of the shots he'd already had planned out for it. That's what the voices in his head are telling him, anyway.
Fool-n-Final
Mike Tyson is going to trade in his boxing gloves for some dancing shoes to star in a Bollywood musical. And his co-stars are wearing ear muffs to the set just in case he goes on another lobe-biting frenzy.
Well, there you have it, the first Phile done on an iMac. Now, you might be noticing a few things. First of, you are right, there isn't a lot of topics. It's hard to find topics to talk about, but I will workon that. second, where are the pictures you are probably thinking. I don't know if it's the Mac's fault, or AOL Journals fault, and it certainly isn't mine, but I cannot paste pictures on the blog anymore, which is a problem I am having. So, unless a miracle will happen, the Phile will have no pics. So, that means I have to kick it up a notch and replace the space I put the pics in with more text. If you look at last week's entry, you'll see that it deleted the pics I posted on there when I was experimenting. I am very sorry about that. Once again, it wasn't my fault. Something's haven't changed though...I still want to hit 2000 views by June. Check out the Peverett Phile's Myspace site at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=37366572. I don't think I can add a link to the blog either, so you will have to cut and paste the link. Okay, not all is perfect with the Mac, but at least it's not gonna get a virus. Until next week, spread the word, not the turd.
FINAL THOUGHT
"Always pick your nose before you pick your ass. Your ass can't small your your nose, but your nose sure can smell your ass."
TODAY IN HISTORY
1910:Halley's comet reappears, last seen in 1835. The Earth passes safely through the comet's tail with no perceptible effect, not counting the death of Mark Twain. 1943:During an early-morning operation to exterminate the residents of the Warsaw Ghetto, Nazi troops experience heavy casualties and are forced to retreat before nightfall. Jewish resistance fighters, armed with rifles and Molotov cocktails, manage to kill or wound at least 200. The battle will rage on for another three weeks. 1956:UK Frogman disappeared bugging underside of Khruschev's warship in Portsmouth. 1989:47 crewmen aboard the battleship USS Iowa are killed when a gun turret explodes during a training exercise in the Atlantic. Navy investigators later rule out all accidental causes, and conclude that someone manning the gun, "most probably" one Clayton Hartwig, had sabotaged its operation as a suicide attempt. The Navy ignored the fact that the propellant bags were 44 years old and proven to be chemically unstable. 1993:More than 80 Branch Davidians burn to death in Waco, Texas as the FBI stages a disastrous final assault on their compound. This brings a sudden end to the 51-day siege. 1995:Timothy McVeigh kills 168 Oklahomans when his truck bomb detonates in front of the Alfred P. Murrah federal building. 1995:Singer Bobby Brown is arrested at Disneyworld for beating a man and tearing off his ear. Neil Kelly, the man with the reattached ear, later sues Brown for $6.6 million but eventually settles out of court for an undisclosed sum.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Four teams, four episodes to go. What kind of ending of this "Amazing Race All-Stars" episode possibly have?
Dustin and Kandice had a conversation with an employee at the Kuala Lumpur airport that I swear was dubbed in. Suspiciously, we didn’t see her face at all during the whole conversation. The one thing we saw the woman say was “five o’clock,” and her lips didn’t really match the voice; perhaps it was easier than subtitling?
“It’s okay; keep it open,” a very kind man at China Airlines told Charla, who was trying to close the door to prevent other teams from coming in. Mirna, I think, lied and said, “It’s too cold, too cold!” and Charla closed it anyway. So this is what they meant by playing nice.
“Um, yeah, okay,” the China Airlines rep told Dustin and Kandice, who were insisting that it was important for them to get on the flight. What The Amazing Race needs are more people who will tell the teams and their camera crews to screw off.
“Whatever it takes,” Mirna told Eric, insisting that they should work together to get the blondes out. Now we know why the editors keep showing us the footage of Mirna talking about playing a clean game. Later, Mirna got into an annoying fight with them at another ticket counter. During one of these ticket counter fights, I’m just waiting for an airline rep to pepper spray them.
Ticketless, Dani asked Eric, “What do we do?” He said, “Go stand in a puddle and drop your hair dryer in it and kill ourselves.” Eric: all promises and no action.
“We can make a beauty queen sandwich out of her,” Dustin or Kandice said, referring to Mirna.
In the Kuala Lampur airport, Mirna pushed Charla, who was standing on a luggage cart. In the Hong Kong airport, Charla popped out the wheels on her tennis shoes, and Mirna pulled her along. Next week, Mirna pops open a playpen and lifts Charla into it, telling her play quietly while Mirna stands in line for tickets.
Phil introduced the Detour and said “teams have to choose between two things visitors commonly associate with Hong Kong.” The options: Kung fu fighting and “Lost in Translation.” Thus, when he said “visitors,” Phil meant “dumb Americans.”
For the part of the challenge where they had to find a sign written in Chinese, I assume Phil was referring to the film “Lost in Translation,” but it was set in Tokyo, not Hong Kong.
Explaining one of the Detour options, Phil said, “Once here, they must climb up an 11-story bamboo scaffold, while avoiding an ongoing battle between stunt kung fu experts.” Best. Challenge. Ever.
At the Fast Forward, while being strapped into a stunt car that was about to go up a ramp and flip, Oswald said, “If I wet these pants, it’s the only pair of clean pants that I brought.” Now he knows why Teri and Ian wear disposable underwear.
Climbing the bamboo scaffolding, Mirna said to the kung fu fighters, “We are trying to make love, not war.” I’m not going to ask why dangling from a rope and climbing up the side of a building is comparable to sex for Mirna.
Introducing the Roadblock, Phil said the team member “must enter the stunt world, Hong Kong-style.” So, out of four challenges in Hong Kong, three were stunt-related. Someone ran out of ideas and had to flip open their book of stereotypes.
“He was mad that I could possibly be right about something,” Danielle said of Eric, after she hired a cab to take them to the pit stop. They were last, but Eric, Danielle, and Eric’s green workout pants were saved by yet another non-elimination leg. Luckily they’re sticking around, because Eric’s last Amazing Race episode couldn’t be one during which he said nothing homoerotic.
SHARPENING AXES
This week I will feature some trivia on Foghat. Long time readers of the Phile will know that my dad was Lonesome Dave Peverett of Foghat.
In the Documentary film Spinal Tap Goes to 20, members of the band claimed that the plot and many of the incidents in This is Spinal Tap were based on Foghat.
Drummer Roger Earl sported one of the biggest mustaches among rock stars. To the dismay of many fans, he decided to shave it off before many of later reunion concerts.
Carl Brutananadilewski, a character in the TV series Aqua Teen Hunger Force, expressed in a commercial that he was a fan of Roger Earl, saying "I like the drummer from Foghat. That's my drummer."
The TV show "Still Standing" has a character that plays in a Foghat tribute band.
Their song "Slow Ride" was featured in the 1993 American movie Dazed and Confused. It has also been used in an episode of "Malcolm In The Middle", in a "Seinfeld" episode and in an episode of "Family Guy", where the evil monkey smokes a joint. It pulls station owner Jimmy James out of a coma in an episode of "NewsRadio". It was featured in the K-DST classic rock radio station of the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and an advertisement for the Honda Odyssey, and also an ad for Carl's Jr.
Most, if not all tracks from "Foghat Live" are featured as party music in the 1981 action-adventure film Nighthawks, starring Sylvester Stallone, Rutger Hauer, Billy Dee Williams and Lindsay Wagner, which includes a soundtrack by Keith Emerson, of Emerson, Lake & Palmer.
Roger Earl's brother, Colin, played keyboards for Foghat and was a founding member of Mungo Jerry, who had a hit of their own with "In the Summertime".
In the music video for Yo La Tengo's "Sugarcube", the members of Yo La Tengo are sent to "The Academy of Rock" by their record company. There, one of the teachers informs them of the "Foghat Rule", which is that fourth album must be double live.
In March of 2005 a high school student located in Chula Vista, CA petitioned his school principal to have "Slow Ride" by Foghat to be played as the school lunch bell. After lengthy battles with the administraion, threats of hunger strikes, and anarchy, an agreement was made. On March 18th Bonita Vista High School played Foghat as their lunch passing period bell.
In the fox TV series "King of the Hill", Bill Dauterive says " I made most of my life decisions at a Foghat concert... I stand by them."
Roger Earl had a famous but brief fling with Swedish actress and Bond Girl, Britt Eklund.
On Larry the Cable Guy's CD "A Very Larry Christmas", Foghat is mentioned in the track "The Christmas Story". The main character in that track, Bejesus, was special because he was conceived at a Foghat concert in the third row during the song "Slow Ride".
In the 1996 comedy Kingpin, Claudia tells Roy Munson, "Your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert. It really bites, Roy."
The song "Slow Ride" was featured in episode 9 of season 1 of the top rated TV drama "Dexter" in 2006.
In the Simpsons episode, "Like Father, Like Clown", the radio talkshow host interviewing Krusty The Clowns father can be seen wearing a Foghat T-shirt.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Landlord
Will Ferrell goes viral in this funny online short that pits him against a potty-talking, degenerate landlady who looks like she's about two years old. Quick, somebody sign that kid up to kick both Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin's butts!
Speed Racer
Christina Ricci is already out promoting her role as Speed's girlfriend Trixie in a video interview. But why does this look more like one of those videos cult members make for their families?
Atonement
Bathing Beauty Keira Knightley is all wet in this WWII drama that also stars James McAvoy. And, yes, that's your cue to pause the trailer when she pops out of the fountain.
The Incredible Hulk
Just about everyone was surprised to hear that Edward Norton is going to star as the giant green behemoth. I'm hoping there's a scene where he "Hulks out" and beats himself up.
Hairspray
Hound Dog John Travolta recently claimed that he's "bigger than Elvis," although even in a fat suit in this new trailer I think the King still had a few more pounds on him.
Sicko
Stunt Man Michael Moore took ailing 9/11 rescue workers down to Cuba for free socialized medicine treatments for his upcoming documentary. Was it really a good idea for people with respiratory problems to end up in a country famous for its cigars?
Untitled David Arquette Epic
Bizarro the Barbarian The kooky actor is writing and plans to direct a "Braveheart-style movie." He also claims that 300 "borrowed" some of the shots he'd already had planned out for it. That's what the voices in his head are telling him, anyway.
Untitled David Arquette Epic
The kooky actor is writing and plans to direct a "Braveheart-style movie." He also claims that 300 "borrowed" some of the shots he'd already had planned out for it. That's what the voices in his head are telling him, anyway.
Fool-n-Final
Mike Tyson is going to trade in his boxing gloves for some dancing shoes to star in a Bollywood musical. And his co-stars are wearing ear muffs to the set just in case he goes on another lobe-biting frenzy.
Well, there you have it, the first Phile done on an iMac. Now, you might be noticing a few things. First of, you are right, there isn't a lot of topics. It's hard to find topics to talk about, but I will workon that. second, where are the pictures you are probably thinking. I don't know if it's the Mac's fault, or AOL Journals fault, and it certainly isn't mine, but I cannot paste pictures on the blog anymore, which is a problem I am having. So, unless a miracle will happen, the Phile will have no pics. So, that means I have to kick it up a notch and replace the space I put the pics in with more text. If you look at last week's entry, you'll see that it deleted the pics I posted on there when I was experimenting. I am very sorry about that. Once again, it wasn't my fault. Something's haven't changed though...I still want to hit 2000 views by June. Check out the Peverett Phile's Myspace site at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=37366572. I don't think I can add a link to the blog either, so you will have to cut and paste the link. Okay, not all is perfect with the Mac, but at least it's not gonna get a virus. Until next week, spread the word, not the turd.
FINAL THOUGHT
"Always pick your nose before you pick your ass. Your ass can't small your your nose, but your nose sure can smell your ass."
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Last Blog Done On A Shitty Computer
Hello, Phile Phans, how are you? Like the title of this entry says, this is the last blog done on a shitty computer. Today I purchased an iMac! So, next week's entry will be done on a brand new computer, and I hope you'll notice a difference. The computer is still in the box and I wanted to write the blog instead of setting it up. I am loyal to my Phans. Well, now that it’s official: What am I going to do with Anna Nicole’s baby? How about that Don Imus thing? He apologized to the Rutgers’ women’s basketball team . . . and in my life, I’ve had to apologize to women, but it’s usually in bed. If I were Don Imus, I wouldn’t be saying anything about other people’s hair. The White House wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department . . . This person would be called the president of the United States. House Speaker Pelosi announced she’s considering taking another controversial trip, this time to Iran. And even worse, when she gets back, she’s going fishing with Don Imus. A producer has been fired from CBS News because Katie Couric taped a story for the news that turned out to be plagiarized from The Wall Street Journal. Viewers became suspicious when they noticed that Couric was reading the story directly out of The Wall Street Journal. Rudy Giuliani got into trouble because of that presidential question that he was asked — what was the price of a gallon of milk. That’s the question that shows you know the common people. That doesn’t bother me. What I want to know is, Does the president know the price of the war in Iraq? Car manufacturers are making cars that change colors. Blue car means you’re depressed . . . red car means you’re angry . . . a rainbow-colored car means . . . . you like to drive on the other side of the road . . . An image of the Virgin Mary appeared in a tree along the Mexican border. Not surprisingly, the tree snuck into the U.S. two weeks ago. Baseball experts say that, last week, cold weather caused the number of homeruns to plunge to its lowest level since 1993. In fact, Barry Bonds said, "My ass is so frozen, I can’t even get the needle in.” Nice celebrity story: Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest recently traveled to one of the poorest villages in Africa to visit with the children. The first thing the African children said was, "What’s the frickin’ deal with Sanjaya!?!” In a new interview with George Michael announced that despite repeated requests, he will never be part of a reunion with the ‘80s group Wham!. In case you’re curious, the repeated requests all come from the other guy in Wham!. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to appear on the show "Pimp My Ride.” This is, of course, great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning. The other day in Los Angeles a woman was arrested after she was caught trying to sneak into Tom Cruise’s house. When Katie Holmes saw the woman, she told her, "Be careful — it’s easy to get in, impossible to get out.” Saw this in the paper today. In Alaska, scientists have caught a fish that is at least a hundred years old. Not surprisingly they found it at a Long John Silvers. By the way, this week's Phile is sponsored by Hallmark. "Face it, you'll never come up with anything clever on your own."
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
He has no chance.
SHARPENING AXES
Ninjas, historically, didn't wear black. For nighttime operations, they wore dark blues, dark grays, and browns. Although most people believe Napoleon was short, he was actually five feet six inches tall, an average height for a Frenchman in those days. The idea that it is dangerous to wake a sleepwalker is a myth. Nonalcoholic beer isn't. Most brands of non-alcoholic beer contain about .5% alcohol. Even though you might think so, America is not the world's top producer of feature films. That honor goes to India. The "v" in the name of a court case does not stand for "versus," but for "and" (in civil proceedings) or "against" (in criminal proceedings). White paws on cats are commonly called "boots" when, in fact, they are actually referred to as "gloves." Chastity belts were not originally imposed to keep people from having sex. They were intended to keep youngsters, of both sexes, from masturbating. Contrary to popular belief, gladiators were lousy fighters in real combat. They were trained solely for arena fighting. On the actual battlefield, their skills were mediocre. Potatoes weren't originally grown as food. They were grown for use as ornamental decorations. Shoemakers are commonly called "cobblers," but correctly speaking, a cobbler is a shoe repairman. A shoemaker is a "cordwainer." Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders didn't ride, ever, during the Spanish-American War. In fact, they weren't Teddy's. He was second in command. Despite what you might think, just 20% of the Sahara is covered with sand.The rest is rocky. The nose isn't the only thing that the Sphinx is missing. It once had a royal beard, a cobra emblem, and other pieces of masonry. Bits of what is left of the beard are in the British Museum. Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes. The day after Thanksgiving is reported to be the "busiest shopping day of the year," but it's not true. In terms of sales, the highest sales day of the year is usually either the last Saturday before Christmas or December 23. The first umbrellas weren't intended to protect people from the rain. They were invented by the ancient Egyptians to shield them from the sun.
DAD
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Teams bit into thousands of cookies, one team was completely forgotten, and another team got Yielded, yet overall, last night’s episode of "The Amazing Race 11" was pretty boring. With five episodes to go, these all-stars better start shining. See? It’s even affecting my ability to write engaging metaphors. “We don’t resort to dirty game play like that. We really depend on our skills to get us through,” Mirna said, foreshadowing a moment when she would do the exact opposite. When Eric asked Mirna and Charla if they’d give up one of the two computers they were using to search for plane tickets, Mirna refused. Later, as retribution, Eric wouldn’t let Mirna cut them in line. But then Mirna told us, “Touche, he has a point.” At least she’s aware of her hypocrisy. Now if she’d only realize that she’s an ass. Uchenna and Joyce booked a flight that Danny and Oswald decided not to take because it had a tight connection. “We’re optimistic about it. Things should work out. Our life depends on it,” Uchenna said. Despite the commercial break, which usually ends with a turnaround for the team in crisis, they missed their connection, and were left trying to find another flight. “They definitely don’t need a StairMaster in their country,” Charla said while climbing stairs in Kuala Lumpua, as if America lacks stairs. Dustin and Kandice appeared to have taken the wrong train and bus, but managed to beat Eric and Danielle, and Oswald and Danny, to the clue box. “It’s pure strategy; it’s nothing personal,” one of the blondes said after Yielding Eric and Danielle. “Those dirty, dirty hookers,” Eric said, and told Danielle they got Yielded “because they’re dirty pirate hookers.” Why is not surprising that Eric’s reference point for women are those who have to be paid for sex and steal your money? A crowd watched Charla and Mirna open 600 boxes of cookies (each of which contained at least a dozen cookies, and probably many more), bite into them, and let the cookie’s crumbles fall out of their mouth. They were searching for a single cookie with a licorice center, and as spit-out cookies piled up, someone screamed, “Go Charla!” Mirna explained, “We have a lot of fans, it turns out, here in Malaysia, that recognize us, and they really boost our egos.” Mirna, try that sentence again, replacing the “we” with “Charla.” “You should have no problem with getting free newspaper,” a man told Kandice. “The way you look, yeah,” he said, and it almost seemed like he was saying that it was not because of her stunning good looks, but because she looked like a homeless person in need of shelter. Oswald revealed one of his greatest fears, and it was not being thrown off a building. “Want me to ride a horse, I’m happy. Throw me from a building, I’m fine. Bicycles, I simply don’t like them,” he said. Danny, however, didn’t like Oswald, riding away on the bike saying, “Hating you!” over and over again. “Does anybody have a rope so I can hang myself?” Oswald asked. Even when they’re angry, they’re funnier than Saturday Night Live. Dustin or Kandice—I can only tell them apart when one uses the other’s name—said “I smell Phil” as they ran to the mat. That made me wonder: What does Phil smell like? I think it’s a combination of a day spa, the beach, and funnel cakes. Mirna told a boy who helped her, “Stay out of drugs, go to schools, be a professional, and you’re in good shape.” And be sure to learn English in schools. “Every Roadblock that is designed for a guy, I am doing. And every Roadblock for a girl, Eric’s got. He’s a woman,” Danielle complained, as if she didn’t even watch "The Amazing Race 9". Oswald and Danny arrived at the pit stop last, but Phil simply said they were in fourth place. What? That’s when the editors cut back to Uchenna and Joyce, who I’d completely forgotten were still racing. Their fist clue told them to “travel by taxi to the next pit stop,” where Phil eliminated them, but offered comfort by saying, “you have won this race before.” Good thing Phil doesn’t officiate at funerals, where he’d probably say, “you still have one parent left.”
TODAY IN HISTORY
1945: Franklin D. Roosevelt, the only president ever elected to four terms of office, dies of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, GA. The following day, Vice President Harry S. Truman assumes the post and is told for the first time about the Manhattan Project. 1960: Eric Peugeot, 4-year-old son of the auto manufacturer, is kidnapped in Paris. The child is later freed after a $300,000 ransom is paid. Ultimately, the perpetrators are caught and sent to prison. 1961: Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Alexeyevich Gargarin is the first man in space, aboard Vostok I. 1988: U.S. patent 4,736,866 is granted to Harvard University for a genetically-modified mouse, engineered to be particularly susceptible to carcinogens. The cancer-prone "Harvard Oncomouse" is the world's first patented creature, and perhaps also the most screwed. 1989: 1960s counterculture icon Abbie Hoffman kills himself by overdosing on barbituates. 1992: EuroDisney opens to the public, attracting a meager 50,000 visitors. Expectations had been about ten times as many. This underwhelming response by the European public will continue for more than a year. Finally, after 18 months of retooling, the resort is ultimately rechristened Disneyland Paris. 1994: The US Tax Court rules that Indiana exotic dancer Chesty Love can claim a $2,088 tax credit for depreciation on her 56FF breast implants. The judge found that Love's surgical augmentation did in fact increase her income, also that she was unable to derive any personal benefit from them, as the oversized mammaries "contorted her body into a grotesque appearance." 1995: To celebrate David Letterman's 49th birthday, actress Drew Barrymore climbs atop the Late Night desk and flashes her bosomy protuberances at the man. 1995: The Hong Kong Eastern Express reports that China sanctions the consumption of aborted human fetuses as a "health benefit." One practitioner willing to admit a taste for this is Dr. Zou Qin of the Luo Hu Clinic, who boasts having consumed more than 100 meals of human veal -- stew and soup, mostly. 2007: The Peverett's buy an iMac.
ROBOTS I EXPECTED TO EXIST BY NOW
We were promised robots. Crazy electronic sidekick or death-dealing automaton of doom, we didn’t care, as long as the future shaped up to be the awesome electronic robo-battle we’d dreamed of as children. Flash forward 20 years and all we have are sorry, non-robotic pieces of supposedly innovative crap, such as “hybrid cars,” “iPods,” and “hope for the AIDs vaccine.” Consider the below list a sort of report card, so modern scientists can see exactly how far they are from fulfilling the promises of our childhood. Johnny Five fromShort Circuit: Sure, he might be a little obnoxious, not to mention he has the dubious honor of sharing a marquee with 1980s staple Steve Gutenberg. But he scores points for looking like a robot that could actually, you know, “exist.” Also, when he gets angry, his eyes go “destruction red” and he blows stuff up with a laser. Which is classic robot! Lisa from Weird Science: To this day, I'm not sure exactly what the hell Kelly LeBrock’s character was supposed to be in this film, but I'm pretty sure computers were involved, making her at least quasi-robotic. ED-209 from RoboCop: Forget that whiny, morally conflicted do-gooder hero (who was really more of a man in a robot suit anyways), this big guy was the real star of the show. Save for some minor weaknesses (“stairs”), he’s my pick in a fight any day. KITT: Take Mr. Bevledere, add a splash of Stephen King’s Christine, a shot of one of the guys from "The A-Team" and two shots of some exceedingly strange man/car sexual tension, and you’ve got one of the most mysterious robots of all time. It’s a little known fact that KITT was not actually a special effect, but a fully functional robotic car. However, to protect the secret of the car’s existence, Hasselhoff rounded up entire cast and crew of "Knight Rider" along with their families, and killed them with his bare hands. Data: He’s super strong, fast, and smart, in a pretty standard, robot-y way, but what’s endearing is that he really just wants to be one of the guys. Also, he does this thing where he uses the computer by moving his hands really, really fast, which is pretty cool. The Terminator: Sometimes, a robot just has to want to destroy all humans, are we right? Also, whether that heavily accented man from the future is here to protect or eliminate us, at least our long-standing Christ complex is finally validated.
UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
MOVIE BUZZ
Superman Returns 2: Orlando Bloom was overheard talking about Supes' sequel with director Bryan Singer in Hollywood this week. Yeah, Orlando kinda looks like this dude.
Red State: When is a horror movie not a horror movie? When Kevin Smith says it's not about zombies or serial killers but a preacher in the mold of the controversial Rev. Fred Phelps. If you're not familiar with Fred, watch this nasty piece.
Postal: Uwe Boll, the auteur behind Bloodrayne and House of the Dead, has directed the first 9/11 comedy. Watch this for a real hoot (not). Or if shooting little kids is your idea of hysterics, here's the "secret UNRATED" trailer.
The Christmas Cottage: Jared Padalecki is all set to star as artist Thomas Kinkade in a movie based on one of his paintings. A painting? Man, if they're going to do that, why not make one about those dogs playing poker?
The Birds: After offending nobody by producing remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, Michael Bay will try harder by taking on Alfred Hitchcock's classic about fowl gone wild.
Super Max: Wrongly convicted superhero Green Arrow will go to prison to fight "all sorts of B and C supervillains," including the Tickler and General Glass Jaw. Ah, they shouldn't be too hard to beat.
Lynch: If you ever wondered if David Lynch is as bizarre as his films, watch some footage from an upcoming documentary about the oddball director. (P.S.: The answer = yes.)
Well, the time has come, it's an end of an era...I mean error. For 70 entries, I have written the Phile on a shitty hp computer that is full of viruses and spy ware and more pop up's than the Playboy Mansion. Starting next week the Phile will be done on a brand new iMac. I will make a few changes to the Phile to make it even better as well. Also, we are getting close to reaching 2000 entries by June. Check out the Phile's Myspace site and Webshots page where I added tons of pics from our stay last weekend at the Nick Hotel. Until next time, spread the word, not the turd.
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
He has no chance.
SHARPENING AXES
Ninjas, historically, didn't wear black. For nighttime operations, they wore dark blues, dark grays, and browns. Although most people believe Napoleon was short, he was actually five feet six inches tall, an average height for a Frenchman in those days. The idea that it is dangerous to wake a sleepwalker is a myth. Nonalcoholic beer isn't. Most brands of non-alcoholic beer contain about .5% alcohol. Even though you might think so, America is not the world's top producer of feature films. That honor goes to India. The "v" in the name of a court case does not stand for "versus," but for "and" (in civil proceedings) or "against" (in criminal proceedings). White paws on cats are commonly called "boots" when, in fact, they are actually referred to as "gloves." Chastity belts were not originally imposed to keep people from having sex. They were intended to keep youngsters, of both sexes, from masturbating. Contrary to popular belief, gladiators were lousy fighters in real combat. They were trained solely for arena fighting. On the actual battlefield, their skills were mediocre. Potatoes weren't originally grown as food. They were grown for use as ornamental decorations. Shoemakers are commonly called "cobblers," but correctly speaking, a cobbler is a shoe repairman. A shoemaker is a "cordwainer." Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders didn't ride, ever, during the Spanish-American War. In fact, they weren't Teddy's. He was second in command. Despite what you might think, just 20% of the Sahara is covered with sand.The rest is rocky. The nose isn't the only thing that the Sphinx is missing. It once had a royal beard, a cobra emblem, and other pieces of masonry. Bits of what is left of the beard are in the British Museum. Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes. The day after Thanksgiving is reported to be the "busiest shopping day of the year," but it's not true. In terms of sales, the highest sales day of the year is usually either the last Saturday before Christmas or December 23. The first umbrellas weren't intended to protect people from the rain. They were invented by the ancient Egyptians to shield them from the sun.
DAD
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Teams bit into thousands of cookies, one team was completely forgotten, and another team got Yielded, yet overall, last night’s episode of "The Amazing Race 11" was pretty boring. With five episodes to go, these all-stars better start shining. See? It’s even affecting my ability to write engaging metaphors. “We don’t resort to dirty game play like that. We really depend on our skills to get us through,” Mirna said, foreshadowing a moment when she would do the exact opposite. When Eric asked Mirna and Charla if they’d give up one of the two computers they were using to search for plane tickets, Mirna refused. Later, as retribution, Eric wouldn’t let Mirna cut them in line. But then Mirna told us, “Touche, he has a point.” At least she’s aware of her hypocrisy. Now if she’d only realize that she’s an ass. Uchenna and Joyce booked a flight that Danny and Oswald decided not to take because it had a tight connection. “We’re optimistic about it. Things should work out. Our life depends on it,” Uchenna said. Despite the commercial break, which usually ends with a turnaround for the team in crisis, they missed their connection, and were left trying to find another flight. “They definitely don’t need a StairMaster in their country,” Charla said while climbing stairs in Kuala Lumpua, as if America lacks stairs. Dustin and Kandice appeared to have taken the wrong train and bus, but managed to beat Eric and Danielle, and Oswald and Danny, to the clue box. “It’s pure strategy; it’s nothing personal,” one of the blondes said after Yielding Eric and Danielle. “Those dirty, dirty hookers,” Eric said, and told Danielle they got Yielded “because they’re dirty pirate hookers.” Why is not surprising that Eric’s reference point for women are those who have to be paid for sex and steal your money? A crowd watched Charla and Mirna open 600 boxes of cookies (each of which contained at least a dozen cookies, and probably many more), bite into them, and let the cookie’s crumbles fall out of their mouth. They were searching for a single cookie with a licorice center, and as spit-out cookies piled up, someone screamed, “Go Charla!” Mirna explained, “We have a lot of fans, it turns out, here in Malaysia, that recognize us, and they really boost our egos.” Mirna, try that sentence again, replacing the “we” with “Charla.” “You should have no problem with getting free newspaper,” a man told Kandice. “The way you look, yeah,” he said, and it almost seemed like he was saying that it was not because of her stunning good looks, but because she looked like a homeless person in need of shelter. Oswald revealed one of his greatest fears, and it was not being thrown off a building. “Want me to ride a horse, I’m happy. Throw me from a building, I’m fine. Bicycles, I simply don’t like them,” he said. Danny, however, didn’t like Oswald, riding away on the bike saying, “Hating you!” over and over again. “Does anybody have a rope so I can hang myself?” Oswald asked. Even when they’re angry, they’re funnier than Saturday Night Live. Dustin or Kandice—I can only tell them apart when one uses the other’s name—said “I smell Phil” as they ran to the mat. That made me wonder: What does Phil smell like? I think it’s a combination of a day spa, the beach, and funnel cakes. Mirna told a boy who helped her, “Stay out of drugs, go to schools, be a professional, and you’re in good shape.” And be sure to learn English in schools. “Every Roadblock that is designed for a guy, I am doing. And every Roadblock for a girl, Eric’s got. He’s a woman,” Danielle complained, as if she didn’t even watch "The Amazing Race 9". Oswald and Danny arrived at the pit stop last, but Phil simply said they were in fourth place. What? That’s when the editors cut back to Uchenna and Joyce, who I’d completely forgotten were still racing. Their fist clue told them to “travel by taxi to the next pit stop,” where Phil eliminated them, but offered comfort by saying, “you have won this race before.” Good thing Phil doesn’t officiate at funerals, where he’d probably say, “you still have one parent left.”
TODAY IN HISTORY
1945: Franklin D. Roosevelt, the only president ever elected to four terms of office, dies of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, GA. The following day, Vice President Harry S. Truman assumes the post and is told for the first time about the Manhattan Project. 1960: Eric Peugeot, 4-year-old son of the auto manufacturer, is kidnapped in Paris. The child is later freed after a $300,000 ransom is paid. Ultimately, the perpetrators are caught and sent to prison. 1961: Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Alexeyevich Gargarin is the first man in space, aboard Vostok I. 1988: U.S. patent 4,736,866 is granted to Harvard University for a genetically-modified mouse, engineered to be particularly susceptible to carcinogens. The cancer-prone "Harvard Oncomouse" is the world's first patented creature, and perhaps also the most screwed. 1989: 1960s counterculture icon Abbie Hoffman kills himself by overdosing on barbituates. 1992: EuroDisney opens to the public, attracting a meager 50,000 visitors. Expectations had been about ten times as many. This underwhelming response by the European public will continue for more than a year. Finally, after 18 months of retooling, the resort is ultimately rechristened Disneyland Paris. 1994: The US Tax Court rules that Indiana exotic dancer Chesty Love can claim a $2,088 tax credit for depreciation on her 56FF breast implants. The judge found that Love's surgical augmentation did in fact increase her income, also that she was unable to derive any personal benefit from them, as the oversized mammaries "contorted her body into a grotesque appearance." 1995: To celebrate David Letterman's 49th birthday, actress Drew Barrymore climbs atop the Late Night desk and flashes her bosomy protuberances at the man. 1995: The Hong Kong Eastern Express reports that China sanctions the consumption of aborted human fetuses as a "health benefit." One practitioner willing to admit a taste for this is Dr. Zou Qin of the Luo Hu Clinic, who boasts having consumed more than 100 meals of human veal -- stew and soup, mostly. 2007: The Peverett's buy an iMac.
ROBOTS I EXPECTED TO EXIST BY NOW
We were promised robots. Crazy electronic sidekick or death-dealing automaton of doom, we didn’t care, as long as the future shaped up to be the awesome electronic robo-battle we’d dreamed of as children. Flash forward 20 years and all we have are sorry, non-robotic pieces of supposedly innovative crap, such as “hybrid cars,” “iPods,” and “hope for the AIDs vaccine.” Consider the below list a sort of report card, so modern scientists can see exactly how far they are from fulfilling the promises of our childhood. Johnny Five fromShort Circuit: Sure, he might be a little obnoxious, not to mention he has the dubious honor of sharing a marquee with 1980s staple Steve Gutenberg. But he scores points for looking like a robot that could actually, you know, “exist.” Also, when he gets angry, his eyes go “destruction red” and he blows stuff up with a laser. Which is classic robot! Lisa from Weird Science: To this day, I'm not sure exactly what the hell Kelly LeBrock’s character was supposed to be in this film, but I'm pretty sure computers were involved, making her at least quasi-robotic. ED-209 from RoboCop: Forget that whiny, morally conflicted do-gooder hero (who was really more of a man in a robot suit anyways), this big guy was the real star of the show. Save for some minor weaknesses (“stairs”), he’s my pick in a fight any day. KITT: Take Mr. Bevledere, add a splash of Stephen King’s Christine, a shot of one of the guys from "The A-Team" and two shots of some exceedingly strange man/car sexual tension, and you’ve got one of the most mysterious robots of all time. It’s a little known fact that KITT was not actually a special effect, but a fully functional robotic car. However, to protect the secret of the car’s existence, Hasselhoff rounded up entire cast and crew of "Knight Rider" along with their families, and killed them with his bare hands. Data: He’s super strong, fast, and smart, in a pretty standard, robot-y way, but what’s endearing is that he really just wants to be one of the guys. Also, he does this thing where he uses the computer by moving his hands really, really fast, which is pretty cool. The Terminator: Sometimes, a robot just has to want to destroy all humans, are we right? Also, whether that heavily accented man from the future is here to protect or eliminate us, at least our long-standing Christ complex is finally validated.
UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
MOVIE BUZZ
Superman Returns 2: Orlando Bloom was overheard talking about Supes' sequel with director Bryan Singer in Hollywood this week. Yeah, Orlando kinda looks like this dude.
Red State: When is a horror movie not a horror movie? When Kevin Smith says it's not about zombies or serial killers but a preacher in the mold of the controversial Rev. Fred Phelps. If you're not familiar with Fred, watch this nasty piece.
Postal: Uwe Boll, the auteur behind Bloodrayne and House of the Dead, has directed the first 9/11 comedy. Watch this for a real hoot (not). Or if shooting little kids is your idea of hysterics, here's the "secret UNRATED" trailer.
The Christmas Cottage: Jared Padalecki is all set to star as artist Thomas Kinkade in a movie based on one of his paintings. A painting? Man, if they're going to do that, why not make one about those dogs playing poker?
The Birds: After offending nobody by producing remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, Michael Bay will try harder by taking on Alfred Hitchcock's classic about fowl gone wild.
Super Max: Wrongly convicted superhero Green Arrow will go to prison to fight "all sorts of B and C supervillains," including the Tickler and General Glass Jaw. Ah, they shouldn't be too hard to beat.
Lynch: If you ever wondered if David Lynch is as bizarre as his films, watch some footage from an upcoming documentary about the oddball director. (P.S.: The answer = yes.)
Well, the time has come, it's an end of an era...I mean error. For 70 entries, I have written the Phile on a shitty hp computer that is full of viruses and spy ware and more pop up's than the Playboy Mansion. Starting next week the Phile will be done on a brand new iMac. I will make a few changes to the Phile to make it even better as well. Also, we are getting close to reaching 2000 entries by June. Check out the Phile's Myspace site and Webshots page where I added tons of pics from our stay last weekend at the Nick Hotel. Until next time, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Soixante-Neuf
MOVIE BUZZ
Meet The Robinsons: Staring voices of Angela Bassett, Laurie Metcalf, Tom Selleck, Daniel Hansen, Jordan Fry, Stephen J. Anderson. An orphan in search of a home thinks he's found one in a future world that resembles what might happen if Oz and Tomorrowland oozed all over each other like a melting Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. What he also finds is a complicated time-travel issue, one whose solution will decide not only his own fate but the fates of the people (and frogs and robot and octopus) he meets along the way. Not counting the weirdly cool Teacher's Pet and the Pixar movies — which technically haven't been Disney films as we know them (I know, try telling that to kids) — I'm going to assert here that since the revival of Disney's reputation as a reliable animation studio with The Little Mermaid, there hasn't been a really great film from them since Lilo & Stitch tried to resurrect the beauty of the old-school watercolor style. And the glut of other studios making equally inferior product hasn't made anyone but money-counters happy. And now that I'm finished complaining about the past, you should know that this is the best animated Disney movie in years. Now, I like Wanda Sykes and Julia Roberts just fine, but I was getting really fed up with being force-fed those actors as whatever animal they were voicing in movie after movie. Here, the characters are allowed to come to you without the baggage of a famous name attached. Check the cast list above. Only three famous people. And you barely notice it's them when you're listening. More attention is paid to characters you can actually feel something for — and there's a significant emotional payoff to this one that doesn't feel forced or cheap at all — than to throwing soon-to-be-dated, unfunny, pop-culture joke after joke at the wall. It's rated G. I like that. I like that I can recommend this to my sister-in-law to take my four-year-old niece to without the poor woman worrying that she's going to have to deal with endless fart jokes and fifth-grader-level sexual innuendo. Most importantly, it achieves what Disney used to make seem effortless: a sense of wonder and joy.
Transformers: Giant robots goon a vehicular rampage in this cool slideshow. They must be mad that the price of gas is going up again, too.
Wallace And Gromit 2: Aardman Animation is setting up shop at Sony Pictures, so another film starring the nutty inventor and his dog is in the works. This is great news as long as they bring back the penguin from The Wrong Trousers as the villain.
National Treasure 2: Nicolas Cage is caught acting like a goof on the set. And if this film's anything like Ghost Rider, he'll be caught acting like a goof on camera as well.
X-Files 2: Gillian Anderson says a new movie is finally in the works, five years after the TV show went off the air. Yes, the truth is still out there. And that truth is that nobody really cares anymore.
Live Free Or Die Hard: Bruce Willis is all bruised and bloodied in these promo photos. And here I thought he had finally broken down and taken out Ashton Kutcher for dating Demi. Oh well. Also, they say the full movie trailer will debut with Grindhouse this weekend.
Only In New York: That dude who directed Catwoman, the single-named Pitof, is going to direct a new film with Jim Caviezel as a crook trying to go straight. Even he can't believe he got another job.
Iron Man: Robert Downey Jr. smooches Gwyneth Paltrow in these set photos. Not as thrilling as finally getting a glimpse of the superhero's body armor, but at least it's better than those pictures of boxes I was supposed to get all excited over last week.
Recount: Sydney Pollack's upcoming movie about "hanging chads" isn't going to be porno film. It's about the convoluted 2000 presidential election. My mistake.
Diggers: Watching the opening bit of this trailer, you might think it'll be about a cool family of grave robbers. But watch it a little bit more and you'll see you were sadly, sadly mistaken …
April Fools' Day: Joke posts were out in full force on the movie blogs on Sunday, including phony news about Peter Jackson directing a live-action Powerpuff Girls movie, Freddy Prinze Jr. starring as the Riddler in The Dark Knight, Brad Pitt quitting acting, a Saw remake and the one that actually fooled everyone: Pixar producing their first live-action film, John Carter, Warlord of Mars.
DAD
UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
HEROES
The long break for "Heroes" is nearly over, and to get people excited, NBC has released two video clips. This one is simply a scene between Mr. Bennett and Thompson as Thompson tries new tactics to find out where Claire is. This other scene reveals a new hero, so if you don't like spoilers, don't watch it! And if you're new to this whole "Heroes" thing or just have a lot of time on your hands, you can watch the first 18 episodes of "Heroes" online for free. NBC is streaming the entire season so far with "limited interruption" from various sponsors. "Heroes" returns April 23rd.
DOCTOR WHO
If I didn't know better, I'd suspect that the constant rumours concerning the fate of actor David Tennant as the current incarnation of "Doctor Who" is nothing more than a ploy to keep news about the show constantly appearing in the UK newspaper headlines and sustain interest in the new series. I now have another report, this time in The Guardian's Media Monkey column, which states that Tennant has indeed signed on for a third series, again, citing another "industry insider". The Sun had previously stated that Robert Carlyle (Trainspotting, 28 Weeks Later) would take over the role midway through the current series. There's still no official word from the BBC on Tennant's position, but it doesn't seem to make sense that he'd pack it in half-way through a series, unless there's a complex storyline which required him to vacate the role (such as The Master stealing one of his regenerations, perhaps....?).
LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS
CARTOON: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles LESSON: April O’Neil is really hot. She’s got red hair, wears a sexy yellow jumpsuit and gets down with anthropomorphic pizza-fiends. Most girls want nothing to do with dudes that live in the sewers, but not April O’Neil. She doesn’t even mind hanging with that old man-rat wearing a pink kimono! This girl is a freak, for real. I’ve got one word for you dude: cowabunga. Cowabunga that chick in your underground lair all night long. How it affected us as adults: Mistakenly thought our girlfriend would be cool with it if we called them dude, ate nothing but pizza and wore a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask during sex.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1815: Mount Tambora erupts in what is now Indonesia, killing 12,000 and spewing eighty cubic kilometers of ash into the atmosphere at once. The blast is heard more than 900 miles away, and makes summer feel like winter in many parts of the world. 1944: The Nazis begin deporting jews from Hungary. 1949: Twenty newborn babies and 57 other people die as St. Anthony's Hospital in Effingham, IL is destroyed by fire. 1951: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are sentenced to death for acts of treason, which in this case means giving atomic bomb secrets to the Soviet Union. 1990: London physician Raymond Crocket is removed from the medical register after it is shown that he paid for and removed kidneys from Turkish donors brought to England. 1994: Kurt Cobain blows his fucking head off. 1997: Allen Ginsberg dies. We are sure that Allen's work for NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) has touched us all. 1998: "Hollywood is run by Jews; it is owned by Jews, and they should have a greater sensitivity about the issue of -- of people who are suffering. Because they've exploited -- we have seen the -- we have seen the Nigger and Greaseball, we've seen the Chink, we've seen the slit-eyed dangerous Jap, we have seen the wily Filipino, we've seen everything but we never saw the Kike. Because they knew perfectly well, that that is where you draw the wagons around." --Marlon Brando, on "Larry King Live"
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOSREALITY
After watching two hours of "The Amazing Race 11", I’m almost as exhausted as the teams were, and I didn’t even travel from one hemisphere to another. The two hours were full of lots of airline ticket drama, but they also had a few touching minutes as the teams visited Auschwitz. While they were well-behaved and legitimately moved by the experience, that didn’t stop them from acting like assclowns before and after their visit. Phil said, “Since flights to Warsaw are limited, teams have been provided with tickets on a flight scheduled to arrive the next day at 11:25 a.m. However, they are under no obligation to use the tickets.” Hello, equalizer. Working for hours to find flights, many of the teams decided to focus on preventing other teams from getting reservations rather than securing their own. “I don’t want you to share. You understand, my sister?” Mirna said condescendingly to a travel agent. Just a few minutes earlier, Mirna, Dustin, and Kandice managed to convince that agent to hang up the phone on Uchenna, who frustratingly said on the other end of the phone, “People are telling ‘em to hang the phone up. … Is there a small person with them?” The Amazing Race: All-Asses. Mirna was wearing a t-shirt under a sweater that said “This is what c looks like.” But the word starting with c was cut off by her sweater, so unless I missed it, the world will never know what c she was showing us. “I want you to do something besides bitch,” Eric told Danielle, who replied, “Your personality is absolutely irritation; I don’t know where it came from.” Eric said, “Well, you’ve never raced with me.” And Danielle replied, “No, obviously not. I’m surprised Jeremy didn’t kill you.” Well, he certainly didn’t sign up for a second race with Eric, did he? Bill and Joe left the pit stop at 7:01 p.m., almost 15 hours after Charla and Mirna first left. This time, though, their delay wasn’t because they were being cocky. And they caught a pre-booked flight and tied with Eric and Danielle, who also took that flight. At the airport in Kilimanjaro, where the four had to change planes, Joe freaked out when airport personnel told him they couldn’t get on the plane. “Radio the pilot, tell him we’re all here, we’re all ready to walk on, we’re wasting time.” Then he ran outside and started waving at the plane, screaming, “Let us on the plane!” His partner simply said, “I think he’s lost it.” In Poland, Charla adopted the odd accent she and Mirna adopt when speaking in English to non-English speakers and asked a cab driver, “You like Polish hot dogs? You like polish sausage?” The cab driver ignored her. “He doesn’t like us too much,” she said through clenched teeth. “No, I don’t think so,” Mirna said. Hey, maybe if you told him a Polish joke he’d be more conversational. “You know how to speak? You know how to talk?” Mirna asked some people, pointing at her lips. Then she told us, “It was frustrating to not understand why they wouldn’t reach out to two young girls asking for help. … Maybe they’ve never seen a little person.” Or, maybe they’ve never seen such a patronizing bitch before. “Oh, sorry,” Joyce said, closing a door, “I hear pianos.” But it would have been an odd place for a piano: “That’s a toilet,” Uchenna said. Oswald has his priorities: After a pianist gave him the clue, he and Danny hugged the man, and Oswald said, “If I were in town, I would ask for your number.” Phil told us, “With teams spread so far apart, Dustin and Kandice are beginning the eighth leg of the race while two teams have yet to finish the previous leg.” So much for equalizers. Joe and Bill were saved by the non-elimination leg, and Joe kissed Phil, who said, “careful where you’re going there.” Oh, Phil. You know you like affection from your teams. Fighting over a cup of coffee, Eric dismissed Danille and said, “Don’t worry; it won’t last much longer.” You mean your sham relationship with Danielle, Eric? Or your time on the race? At Auschwitz, the teams had to read a passage out loud about the genocide that occurred there, and then “observe a moment of silence.” The music quieted, and so did the teams. Oswald, Danny, Uchenna, and Joyce all checked in at the same time because there was an Intersection after their visit to the concentration camp, and they worked together to complete the Fast Forward. At the mat, Phil told them, “so guys, I have one prize to give away, and I’m going to leave it up to you as to who’s going to get it.” Oswald and Danny generously gave it to the other team, but come on, producers: it’s not like a tie was a surprise there. How about two prizes? It’s time for Guess the Detour Challenge Using Out-of-Context Quotations! Eric: “You have to eat 24 inches.” Mirna: “It’s so much bigger than I ever thought.” Kandice or Dustin: “Why is mine so much thicker than everybody else’s?” Eric: “Dani, can you eat that?” Bill: “Put it on, and just get it really long like he did and just keep squeezing it off.” Joe: “Yours hasn’t even gone down yet. I’m going to concentrate on Eric.” Give up? They weren’t at a brothel, but were instead making and then eating kielbasa sausage. “Ladies and gentleman, Miss California!” Eric said as Dustin vomited sausage. Then Charla, who we saw with vomit on her lips (!), started hurling into a bucket, and the other teams covered their ears. And I started dry heaving. Thanks, Amazing Race. “The one thing we know is Mirna can’t drive worth a damn,” Joe said. She also can’t negotiate. Trying to convince a taxi driver to show them they way, she said, “You think I’m made of money? I’m a young girl, I don’t have $100. You think I’m a millionaire?” The cab driver slammed the door on her and said, “bye bye,” and kept walking as Mirna cried, “Have a little bit of sympathy as a human being!” Tragically, he came back, falling for Mirna’s bullshit. For the Roadblock, a team member had to dress in knight’s armor and lead a horse around a castle. “She looked like a dressed-up rat,” Joe said of Charla, and it was kind of true. When she and her horse started walking in circles, it was especially funny, as was the moment when she fell flat on her face. Twice. At least she was wearing armor. Joe and Bill arrived fifth but had their 30-minute penalty for coming in last place, and thus were eliminated. “I’ve had a knight in shining armor for 20 years now,” Joe said. That was touching, but he wasn’t being poetic; Bill was standing next to him, wearing a metal suit.
DIG FOR NOSEBERRIES
Picky Michael Keaton does the polite pinky pull-pick in Santa Monica.
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
Looks like Kenny Baker is finally getting too big for the part.
So, what did you think? Confused? Feeling like you're upside down? As this is the 69th entry of the Phile, I thought it would be fun to flip it. Soixante-neuf is 69 in French, which is really what the sexual position is called. Today was the first day of the International Flower And Garden Festival at Epcot, or as I like to call it, allergy season. It's not to be confused with the pansey festival in June. The president of Iran announced that he’s going to free the British hostages as an early Easter gift. As an extra bonus, the Iranian president said he’s going to throw in a case of marshmallow Peeps. Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is angry at the press. Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Then Giuliani added, "I mean just this wife. It’s open season on the first two.” The Vatican may canonize Pope John Paul II because since he’s passed away, people have been praying to him and he’s already been credited with three miracles. So far, the Pope’s biggest miracle has been keeping Sanjaya from being voted off "American Idol.” A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10 million. The $10 million price tag was thought up by the group’s newest member, Delusional Spice. President Bush had a big press conference in the Rose Garden. President Bush was asked if he knew the current price of a gallon of gasoline. And Bush’s answer was within a few pennies. Which isn’t surprising since Bush spends most of the day watching "The Price Is Right.” In New Jersey, firemen had to use a crane to remove a 700-pound woman from her house. The woman is doing fine, but the crane is in critical condition. In Los Angeles this weekend, shot were fired at a party following the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Police said they were going to apprehend whoever was involved and give them a time out.
Well, that's about it. Check out the Phile's Myspace page where I added a background of Port Jeff harbor where I grew up. And the Phile's Webshots page where I am always adding new pics. This weekend we'll be staying at the Nickelodeon Hotel which should be lots of fun. I am sure to post pictures on Webshots next week of myself getting slimed. have a good Easter and the Phile will be back next Thursday. Also, the Phile has less then 500 views to go before it hits 2000! Spread the word, not the turd.