F Osama, We've Got Eggs To Hunt

Hello, Phans, welcome to the Peverett Phile. If you're wondering why there's an Easter themed title this week, it's because next week I am planning something for the Phile's 69th entry next week. So, it was so nice out today, comedian Eddie Griffin walked into a concrete barrier. What a story! A woman is having a snack, choking to death, and she receives the Heimlich treatment from her dog. This is a very talented dog — he also did Regis’ bypass surgery. Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old yesterday. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin. It seems like every couple of weeks, we hear that McDonald’s is making their menu more diet friendly. Fewer calories, no trans fats . . . They’re now offering a third of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of a pound. Don’t worry though . . . You get a pretty good workout at the ketchup pump. There’s a couple of paparazzi who are suing Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson for physically and verbally abusing them. Suing them! I would pay for that! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the No. 1 movie in America. They beat the 300. Which is embarrassing for the Spartans. They hold off thousands and thousands of heavily armed Persians, but four turtles and you’re done. I saw the Turtles film last week, but haven't seen 300 yet. I want to see 1 through 299 first. I’m bummed. I have a little tradition. On Thursday nights, I go the kitchen after writing the blog and I treat myself . . . I eat a can of dog food, and now I find out it might be poisonous. Al Gore testified yesterday about global warming. Al Gore told members of Congress that, "The planet has a fever, and it needs a doctor.” When they heard this, members of Congress said, "Yeah. You won an Oscar for this?” Sources at the Pentagon say several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. That’s right. Because Americans only want two things from Iraq: a central stable government and affordable quality men’s wear. Britney Spears has agreed to give estranged husband Kevin Federline $20 million in a divorce settlement. Apparently Federline will get $2 million in cash and the rest in beef jerky. Baseball spring training underway. Players on the San Francisco Giants don’t mind playing with Barry Bonds, because they’re hoping some of his greatness will rub off on them. Either that or they’re hoping Bonds will inject some of his greatness into their biceps. By the way, this entry of the Phile is sponsored by Ray-Ban: We'd love to be sitting on your face.

BROKEN

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Judging by the expressions of the guy dressed as the Hoth soldier, either he's never seen a girl in just her bra before or her breasts are set to stun.

and now for another new feature called...

DIG FOR NOSEBERRIES

Sting polices his proboscis while perambulating in London, 2006.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Picture it, Maputo, 2007: Teams of two Americans spend time in airports trying to get airplane tickets. One team, a little person and her annoying cousin fly away first, leaving all the other teams behind to fight for standby seats on overbooked flights to Tanzania. That pretty much sums up most of last night’s "Amazing Race 11" episode, which largely took place in airports. Despite this, because the editors are among the best around, the results were still engaging, if not exactly suspenseful. The episode would have been a lot better if it’d included more of Oswald’s impression of Santino impersonating Tim Gunn on "Project Runway". “We have the same driver, Andre,” he said. Slipping into a Santino-as-Gunn voice, he said, “Andrae, where’s Andrae?” At Red Lobster, of course. Eric said, with a completely serious tone and expression, that Tanzania is “where the Tanzanian devil lives.” After Danielle corrected him (“Tasmania”), he tried to regather his testicles and insert them back into his scrotum by mocking his alleged girlfriend: “I was just kidding. You knucklehead.” “That was a little awkward, holding hands and all that religious stuff,” Charla said after Mirna asked an airport employee who was helping them to hold hands and pray with her. “He enjoyed it,” Mirna said. Walking down the jetway, Eric committed one of the biggest race sins: foreshadowing one’s own calamity. “Still waiting for somebody to run after us and tell us to stop,” he said. Moments later, on board the plane, an airline rep told them, “You were accidentally given somebody else’s seats. Sorry, I must ask you to leave the plane right now.” Eric offered the passengers “50 bucks” “to get off the plane,” but no one agreed, perhaps because they knew he was racing for $1 million, the cheap bastard. Being pulled off the plane led Danielle to throw her backpack to the ground, start crying, and demand more juice and peanut butter crackers. “I don’t wanna do this anymore,” she cried. “Due to the weather,” Charla and Mirna were told, their boat to Zanzibar would leave at 5:30 a.m. the next day. That was pretty suspicious, considering that delay would allow the rest of the group to catch up to their commanding lead, especially since the clouds overhead were just wispy little ones. At least edit in some thunderheads. “This is our corner. We work this bench,” Oswald told Charla and Mirna, pretending to be a prostitute. While Mirna laid on the deck of a boat, waving a TAR flag, Charla leaned overboard and hurled. This was funny because of the editing, which showed everyone lounging on the boat, and as the camera panned to puking Charla, the soundtrack stopped with a violent record scratch. It was also funny because puke is inherently humorous, unless it’s coming out of one’s own mouth. “Two ones in a row. You are too hot to handle,” Phil told Charla and Mirna checked in first again, and they screamed excitedly. “I have some good news for you,” Phil continued. “As the winners of this leg of the race, you have each won a 12-and-a-half foot catamaran.” Cue the crickets. “Huh?” Mirna asked. “What is that?” Charla said. “It’s adual-hulled sailing boat,” Phil said, as if that was in any way more descriptive, and the two pretended to be excited. Uchenna and Joyce checked in third but had a 30-minute penalty because they were marked for elimination. But they were at least 30 minutes ahead of the next team, so their penalty turned out to be irrelevant. Oh, new nonelimination leg penalty. You are better than the begging for money penalty, but you fail to deliver drama so often, I fear you will be replaced soon. “There’s always a chance,” Teri said, but there wasn’t. The Guidos easily beat them to the pit stop, and no one really cares that they’re gone. Five seconds from next week’s two-hour episode seemed to make up for the slower parts of this week’s episode: Charla in knight’s armor falling on her face. I’m making the popcorn now.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1951: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are both convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage. 1977: Lee Harvey Oswald's best friend, and coincidentally a friend of both Jackie Kennedy and George HW Bush, Dallas socialite George de Mohrenschildt dies from a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the mouth, at 3:45 pm. It is likely he was going to be called to testify before the House Select Committee on Assassinations. 1979: A U.S. House of Representatives committee report finds that John F. Kennedy's assassination was the result of a conspiracy. 1992: Arkansas Governor and Presidential candidate Bill Clinton tells the New York Times: "When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale, and never tried it again." 1997: Kazuo Konya, a formermember of the Aum cult, tells Tokyo Municipal Court that he paid $8,100 for the privilege of drinking the guru's blood in a 1988 initiation ritual. Other former cult members also testify they paid for blood, strands of Shoko Asahara's hair, and his bath water. Some say they paid $2,400 for an intravenous injection of an unknown substance. Ironically, all throughout, Asahara preached to his followers that they should renounce materialism.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS

CARTOON: Scooby Doo LESSON: Trust no one. Those phantoms in the fog are actually malevolent hicks, dressed up as ghosts to scare you off their spooky farm. That monster hiding in the attic is actually old man McGee, trying to find the treasure buried in the floorboards. And that happy-go-lucky frat boy, Fred, is actually a bloodthirsty killer. Don’t turn your back on him. Or the girls. Or your dog… Or maybe we’ve just been spending too much time in the Mystery Machine, and got a little contact high paranoia. Hey, it happens. You want a Scooby Snack? Yeah, it is dog food. So what? You’re really harshing my mellow man. What are you, a narc? How it affected us as adults: We can’t be certain, but it would appear that our habit of, upon being dumped, grabbing hold of our ex-girlfriends’ chin and yanking upward, started with this show.

UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS

DAD

MOVIE BUZZ

Sweeny Todd: Here's your first look at Johnny Depp in character in his new musical. And since that character is a serial-killing barber, this is the first musical guys will drag their girlfriends to instead of viceversa.

Transformers: Optimus Prime and Megatron go head-to-head in a pair of new movie posters. I think I would have gone with a couple of cardboard theater standees that actually changed from car to robot and back.

John Rambo: Australian authorities may have taken away Sly's stash of human growth hormone, but it looks like the substance did the trick in these set-visit pics. Come on, guys. Give it back. He looks good!

The Dark Knight: Oh no! The Joker's henchmen are trying to steal the Batmobile! All right, they're probably just stunt guys giving the badass vehicle a once-over between takes, but I had to try to make this set-visit pic seem a little more exciting. Spider-Man 3: You can watch the "final" trailer here. Did we really need another one? Aren't I excited enough? Ah, who am I kidding, I could watch a hundred of these. TMNT: Featuring the voices of Chris Evans, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Mako, Kevin Smith, Patrick Stewart, Laurence Fishburne, Ziyi Zhang. Now that the kids who grew up with the Turtles the first time around are having babies of their own, they decided to make the pizza-eating crime fighters detached, depressed and needing space to work out their "issues." I'm not making any of that up, either, by the way. Even April's boyfriend has newfound commitment problems. I spent the first part of this movie wondering who they'd made it for. But then the shelled ones start battling the Foot Clan, and it more or less rights itself. I knew the toys and the TV show were hot again, so it was a matter of time before they dusted this off and made a new film version. And really, since it was inevitable — and even more inevitable that it'd be animated instead of dorky-but-amiable live-action — and further, easily assumed that it'd be by-the-numbers in the plot department, at least they went and made it look nice. It's almost a kid noir since it all happens at night and in sewers. And the CG is so depth-y, it's like watching a 3-D movie. It makes the first Shrek look primitive by comparison. You know what kids love? Irony! Well, you'd think they did from watching this, anyway. When "cowabunga" is reduced to a kind of in-joke instead of assuming its rightful place as a ridiculous dialogue staple, you know you're in for a movie that, as I mentioned earlier, is twisting itself into a pretzel to appeal to parents, too. And I always thought movies like this were made so that parents could have a little nap while the kids enjoyed themselves. I kind of liked the 13 monsters unleashed on the city that the turtles have to battle. They're forbidding, well-designed and memorable. And the fighting scenes are definite kid-pleasers. Also, it's also the perfect vehicle for an actor like Zhang to continue practicing English. It sure beats throwing her into something like Memoirs of a Geisha. In this Warner Bros. movie, the rat guru Splinter's hobby is "watching [his] stories." To demonstrate this, he turns on the TV and the CW show Gilmore Girls is on. Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. Check out the Phile's Webshots page for pictures of my life and my Myspace page. We are close to reaching 1500 views of the Phile here, but my goal is 2000 by June or July. So, spread the word, not the turd.

 

 

I Heart Reese

Hello, Phile Phans, how are you all doing? Are you ready for another fun-filled Peverett Phile? Today is Reese Witherspoon's thirty-first birthday, so, Reese, if you're out there reading this, and I know you are...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART. BTW, I am still waiting for your call. Today's Phile entry is brought to you by Ace Hardware: need a good screw? In Washington D.C. people want the attorney general to resign. Some republicans are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. The No. 1 candidate is Judge Judy. Scientists say they are trying to develop a drug that eliminates memories of traumatic events. The research is being funded by Star Jones’ husband. In Hollywood the other night, the producer of "Girls Gone Wild” was spotted hanging out at a gay bar. Which explains the title of the new DVD, "Girls Gone Wild — At Least I thought They Were Girls; I Was Really Drunk.” According to USA Today, Tom Cruise’s wedding was in an Italian castle. Well that inspired Elizabeth Hurley to marry in a British castle, and inspired Eva Longoria to book her wedding in French castle. Meanwhile Kirstie Allie is getting married at White Castle. Tara Reid is starting her own fast food restaurant. Great news for anyone who likes their food cheap and soaked in vodka. I saw Tara a few weeks ago at a mall here in Florida. She was being followed around Macy's by a group of teenage girls and myself. That Boy Scout in North Carolina was rescued by a dog named Gandolf. Do you know who I would have sent into the forest to find him? George Michael. He can always find a man in the forest. The Supreme Court debated a case where a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing a banner that said, "Bong Hits For Jesus” to school. The argument is whether the student’s right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed. Do you watch "Jeopardy"? Guess what happened. For the first time in history, they had a three-way tie. Now it’s going to be decided by the Supreme Court. Alex Trebek, the host of the show, was so stunned, he shaved his head and entered rehab. Here’s a creepy story. A guy is flying on a long flight. Six-hour flight, British Airways. Half way through the flight, he realizes the person sitting next to him is dead. Long flight. Six hours. Person in the seat next to him, dead. I say, Hey, count your blessings. And this morning, out of habit, JetBlue apologized. Have you been watching college basketball? To get in the mood I asked my wife to dress like Billy Packer. The world’s largest airliner flew from Europe to New York today. The plane is so big, it can carry 500 passengers . . . or 80 Americans. Hooters is in the news. Hooters announced it’s opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "As far as I’m concerned, Hooters is the holy land.” Al Sharpton and Barack Obama spoke on the phone for about five minutes yesterday. They have reportedly put their differences behind them. Which means Obama can get back to running for president, and Sharpton can get back to whatever the hell it is that he does. On St. Patrick's Day we went to Sea World and I saw a lot of people wearing buttons saying, "Kiss Me I’m Irish.” My friend Omar wore a button that said "Frisk Me I’m Arabic.” President Bush celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by saluting prominent Irish Americans. Bush praised Sandra Day O’Connor, Tip O’Neill, and Barack Obama. In Palm Beach, Florida this week, a shark attacked a lawyer who was surfing. Remarkably, the shark survived. Wal-Mart now classifies its customers into three groups: Brand Aspirationals, Price Sensitive Affluents, and Value-Priced Shoppers. When they heard this, Wal-Mart customers said, "Which aisle has them big boxes of shampoo?” Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology. The Norwegians released a study that says having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other words, if you don’t laugh at this Phile entry, you’re going to die.

FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS

Looking back to the early days, probably the strangest thing of all is to see Kermit the frog with Jim Henson’s arm attached, as he did in a 1974 appearance on "What’s My Line". Even stranger — Henson cycles through a series of different voices to throw off the panelists. (Which stumped Arlene Francis and Dr. Joyce Brothers - but not puppet enthusiast Soupy Sales.) 16 years later Henson would perform the same trick on "Live with Regis and Kathy Lee". It would be his last public performance ever with the frog before his death of pneumonia at age 54. So it’s re-assuring to travel back in time and see the gentle puppeteer enjoying the reaction from delighted game show panelists — and showing just how much of his personality he projected into his work. Host Larry Blyden jokingly addresses a question to Kermit the Frog, asking “How long did it take you to finally get Jim Henson right?” Kermit replies that “The beard was the hardest part.”

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

This woman is dressed as one of the Tonnika Twins, characters who appear on screen in the Cantina scene in the original Star Wars for but a fraction of a second and do not speak. This is the equivalent of going to a Psycho convention dressed as some random person Janet Leigh walks by in the street in the early scenes. It's madness, I tell you, and it has to stop somewhere! Also, the Tonnika Twins have more of Speedo style shorts and the belts are completely different. Let's get it right, people.

REJECTED CRAYONS

Each year, hundreds of new color names are considered for inclusion in boxes of crayon. As you might expect, most potential color names never make the cut. Gathered here are some proposed crayons that weren't quite up to snuff. 1) FOUND IN A DIAPER GOLD 2) McDONALD'S BURGER GRAY 3) LOS ANGELES AIR BROWN 4) KLAN WHITE 5) FLU PHLEGM GREEN 6) SPOUSAL ABUSE BLACK 7) SPOUSAL ABUSE BLUE 8) SPANK ME PINK 9) MELANOMA TAN 10) TIME O' THE MONTH 11) TIN MAN JOHNSON'S SILVER

SHARPENING AXES

There are 1,929,770,126,028,800 possible color combinations on a Rubik's Cube. Gandhi once wrote an open letter to the British people urging them to surrender to the Nazis and to accept whatever fate Hitler had in store for them. NASA countdowns start 43 hours before launch. A recent survey of executives concluded that 91% consider a sense of humor important to career advancement. The area code for Antartica is 672. Forty-eight percent of Americans think aliens have visited Earth. Elvis Presley made only one television commercial, for Southern Maid Doughnuts, in 1954. The original Guinness Brewery in Dublin, Ireland has a 6,000-year lease. Only 2% of Americans say they're in a good mood every day. Ulysses S. Grant was once fined $20 for speeding. On his horse. The hole in a ship's bow for a rope, like the ones used to secure an anchor, to pass through is called a "hawsehole." New Jersey is the only state where all its counties are classified as metropolitan areas. In France, it's legal to marry a dead person. Before 1900, boxing matches lasted all day and sometimes went as long as 100 rounds. The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an "ideo locator." According to the FDA, a cup of orange juice may contain 10 fruit fly eggs, but only two maggots. On Venus, a day lasts 5,832 hours. George Washington was deathly afraid of being buried alive. Crayola is a French word that means "oily chalk."

And now, for a new feature called...

UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS

DAD

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Few episodes of  "The Amazing Race" have provided such accidental amusement and pop culture references as last night’s episode did. From sound effects at the pit stop that turned the race into a Benny Hill episode momentarily to a team member looking like a character from A Christmas Story, it was non-stop slapstick action. Joyce memorialized fallen team Rob and Amber by telling us, “They’re great to beat because they’re such amazing competitors.” Translation: Nanny nanny boo boo! We beat you, you bastards! Mirna said, “We’re going to be anicicle before this is day is over.” But her cousin had a better, PG-13 idea: “We’ll just be a popsicle; somebody can just suck us.” Teri and Ian had a conversation with Joe and Bill, and Ian jokingly asked, “Is your underwear tagged ‘Team Guido’?” Joe said, “You doTn’t want to see our underwear … We have thongs.” But that was not the disturbing part of the conversation; instead, it was when Ian said, “We have paper.” If he wasn’t referring to disposable underwear, it seems like he admitted wearing Oops I Crapped My Pants on national television. “They’re really not that smart,” Charla said of the blondes, but like everything else she said, her voice was muffled and her words subtitled because she was zipped up in her jacket as tight as Randy in A Christmas Story. She ran like him, too, although to be fair, she kind of runs like that even when she isn’t in a parka. Ian overcame his fear of rats while working with a giant mine-sniffing rat named Tupac. Things just don’t get weirder than that. “I’m glad they have metrosexuals everywhere in the world,” Mirna said, having convinced a number of men in Mozambique to let Charla and her paint their nails. Charla and Mirna fell behind and were in last place at one point, but they pulled ahead and checked in first and screamed with excitement. Mirna explained what this meant: “Just because someone’s a little shorter or a little skinnier doesn’t really matter. We work hard and we’re a damn good team. And if coming in first lets people have a little more respect for us, than that’s a wonderful thing to accomplish.” Yes, she did just equate her skinniness with the fact that Charla is a little person. This probably says more about my sick sense of humor than anything else, but I have never laughed more at The Amazing Race as I did when I saw Joe and Bill at the coal-bagging Detour. All the teams had coal dust on their skin, but for some reason, Joe’s was concentrated directly beneath his nose (right). I looked up at the TV and thought, holy crap, Hitler’s in the race. Oswald, covered in coal dust, ran to the mat yelling, “I’m hugging you!” Phil shouted, “No way,” and then started running around in circles with Oswald chasing him. The editors even included some Benny Hill-esque music. The Guidos beat Eric and Danielle to the mat, which did not make Eric happy. “The Guidos remind me of old women who are past their prime. She got beat by a bunch of queens.” Indeed she did: Joe, Bill, and Eric all arrived at the mat before she did. Uchenna and Joyce were saved by the first non-elimination leg, and became marked for elimination. Somewhere, Rob and Amber are forming a conspiracy theory.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1622: A band led by the Brother of Powhatan slaughters 347 settlers near Jamestown, in the first indian massacre. 1923: Marcel Marceau's birthday. Fucking mimes. 1931: William Shatner, the great actor, birthday. 1933: The first SS-run concentration camp, Dachau, receives prisoners. 1947: U.S. President Harry Truman signs Executive Order 9835, beginning the Great Loyalty Crusade. 2,000,000 government employees were required to take oaths and submit to loyalty investigations; of those a mere 139 were terminated in the span of three years. 1972: National Commission on Marijuana and Drug Abuse recommends ending criminal penalties for possession of marijuana. No subsequent administration has heeded their recommendation. 1978: One of the Flying Wallendas, 73 year old Karl Wallenda, plunges to his death on a cable strung between two hotels in San Juan, PR. 1991: Ivana divorces The Donald.

IMPORTANT LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS

CARTOON: G.I. Joe LESSON: Knowing is half the battle.
The other half of the battle is kicking Cobra’s terrorist ass. And with the coolest soldier codenames ever --Snake Eyes, Duke, Lady Jaye, Shipwreck-- winning the war on terror should be no problem. Good will always win out over evil, because good guys work together (Team Work! Cooperation!), while bad guys are ruthless cowards who turn tail and run whenever G.I. Joe’s laser guns get to zappin’. As Sergeant Slaughter once said: “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we.”
Now that’s some good strategery. How it affected us as adults: Actually, we’re pretty certain that our strategy for the Iraq War was conceived after a two day long G.I. Joe marathon in the Pentagon. They just implicitly trusted that the good guys were going to win, that firing off our guns would make the bad guys run for the caves and that giving everyone cute nicknames was somehow endearing. When things didn’t turn out the way they’d planned, the administration placed the blame on faulty intelligence, or in other words: “Knowing is half the battle, and we unfortunately didn’t know shit.”

THERE IS A GOD

Lindsay Lohan was spotted at Plumm in New York City last Thursday chain smoking and drinking Red Bull all night. And because this is Lindsay Lohan, she decided to pull her skirt up to her waist and give everybody a peek at her private parts. She's just walking around and removing her clothes in public now. I mean, c'mon, at least pretend it's an accident. Put your hand up to your mouth and go "Oops." Fake that your clothes are on fire. Something more than just, "Hmm, I feel like showing people my vagina" and whipping it out.

HEROES

Somehow I expected this: NBC is being sued over one of the concepts used on its hit series "Heroes". Not that I expected the show's creators and writers to have "stolen" ideas from elsewhere, but I expected some artists to try and claim the show stole ideas they developed before "Heroes" first aired. When a show becomes a hit, people want a piece of the pie. In this case, New York artists and couple Clifton Mallery and Amnau Karam Eele claim that "Heroes'" creators based the Isaac character and his power on a short story, a painting series and a short film they exhibited in 2004 and 2005. Both artists say in their lawsuit that two writers from "Crossing Jordan", a show "Heroes'" creator Tim Kring developed, attended their April 2005 exhibit about an artist who paints the future. They also say that their work focused on the artist painting the destruction of two landmark buildings in NYC. This storyline is not unlike the "Heroes" one where Isaac, an artist who paints the future, paints the destruction of NYC.
Reuters reports that a spokesman for NBC said that the network believes the suit is without merit and that they intend to defend it and expect to win. There are countless of books, movies, comics, short stories, etc., about ordinary people getting powers. So it was a given at one point someone would claim that some "Heroes" concept was based on their idea.

DOCTOR WHO

"Doctor Who" executive producer Russell T Davies says the show will be back for a fourth series (that's British for season). He made remarks at the London premiere of series three. What's less clear at the moment is who will be playing the Doctor in series four. Current Doctor David Tennant has remained silent on the issue. Series three has actress Freema Agyeman playing Martha Jones, the doctor's new assistant. She fills the void left by Billie Piper's departure from the program. It had been widely suspected that a fourth season was already on deck, but Davies' confirmation should come as good news for "Doctor Who" fans. Now if only I didn't have to wait months or years for each new season to show up on the SciFi channel.

R.I.P.

Bowie Kuhn (03/15) Rhymes with "blooey," which is the sound his heart made when he croaked. Larry 'Bud' Melman (03/21) His real name was Calvert DeForest, but, really, who cares?

MOVIE BUZZ

300 2: After the action flick's massive two-week box-office romp, graphic novelist Frank Miller is already working on a return to ancient Greece. Maybe it can come out the same time as that Gladiator sequel they're always talking about.

Goya's Ghosts: If you thought Natalie Portman's head-shaving scene in V for Vendetta was disturbing, wait until you see her sans clothes and strung up on a medieval torture device.

Ratatouille: The official trailer doesn't debut until Friday, but what makes any trailer about a zillion times better? Japanese subtitles!

Watchmen: Zack Snyder lets loose in this candid interview about turning a beloved comic-book masterpiece into a movie. He seems pretty calm for someone with thousands of rabid fans breathing down his neck if he screws up one frame of film. Me included.

Indiana Jones and the City of Gods: Sources claim this will be the official title of Indy's upcoming adventure. And that's Gods, plural. The original God, who lent his Ark of the Covenant and Holy Grail for the first and third film, declined to be represented this time out. He and Emma Watson must have the same agent.

Superman Returns Two: Some reports claim that instead of a sequel, Supes will next appear in the Justice League movie. Another insider (the videographer!) claims Bryan Singer will start filming his follow-up March 2008, as planned. Here's my suggestion: How about Singer stays away from both films?

Yeah! That's it for another entry of the Phile. Check out the Phile's Myspace site and Webshots site. I am still wanting to hit 2000 views by June, so come on people, spread the word, not the turd. Tell your friends, loved ones, family, whoever, about the Peverett Phile. I will leave you with a not so random pic. Until next Thursday, 'nuff said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clickety-Click

Hello, Phile Phans. Welcome to the 66th entry of the Peverett Phile. In England when someone turns 66 they say clickety-click. Boy, us Brits are weird. This entry's Phile is sponsored by Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. "Chew, you fat bastards, chew!"  Beautiful day here in Florida. So nice here in Florida today, the rats at Taco Bell called in sick. It was so nice today that Scooter Libby leaked classified information to Al Roker. It was so nice today, that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper. Here’s something weird. A Taliban commander was captured . . . he was disguised as a woman. They caught him, and he faces up to 25 years in prison or a year on "The View.” President Bush was in Mexico this week, and he met with Mexican President Calderon to talk about immigration issues. Unfortunately things were cut short when during the meeting President Calderon immigrated to California. While in Mexico, President Bush visited the ruins of an ancient Mayan city. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, "We will get the evil doers who did this.” The Web site MySpace has announced they are going to launch their own news service. The MySpace news service will feature hard-hitting stories like, "Why Is Stacy Being Such a Bitch?"  "Court TV" announced that they’re going to give Star Jones a new TV show. And that they’re changing the name of "Court TV." In honor of Star Jones, the new name will be the "Food Court" TV Network. Tough weekend. Did you remember to change your clocks? You’ve lost an hour. It’s just like watching "The View.” Regis Philbin on his show announced that he’s going in for heart bypass surgery. You know what that means . . . facelift. In Sweden, police arrested rapper Snoop Dogg on drug charges. Snoop Dogg says he accidentally wandered into Sweden on his way from Amsterdam to the bathroom. Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador, after the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his residence. Today, Israel announced that he’s their new ambassador to Ireland. This Saturday it is St. Patrick's Day. Irish I had a joke for that. The Power Rangers have a new show called "Operation Overdrive." Not to be confused with my new show "Operation Overweight". And finally, today my son Logan lost his first tooth. It was pretty dramtic. I had to rush out to get some cash to put under his pillow. In related news, my teeth still point North, South, East and West.

FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS

Alice Cooper bit the head off a chicken and drank its blood onstage, the legend went. (And Frank Zappa advised him to never deny it.) The 70s shock rock star performed notorious live stage acts which included a boa constrictor and a guillotine — until his alcoholism led him to a stint in a sanitarium. And then he sang love songs to a muppet. As a pioneer in music video, it was inevitable that Cooper would want to experiment with Jim Henson’s creatures. Wearing his trademark “black snake-eye” makeup, he performed muppet-enhanced versions of his three biggest hits, and more than 25 years later, YouTube music videos have turned up to document the legendary meeting. During "School’s Out", a gang of giant, fanged monsters bully Cooper — wearing a cap and gown — in a bizarre dance number. During "Welcome to My Nightmare", Cooper arises from a coffin (to the recorded sound of an applauding audience, followed soon by recorded laughter for the antics of a puppet skeleton). When Cooper finally culminates his appearance with "You and Me", his top ten love ballad, he’s joined by an enormous green bird with rainbow hair and a studded beak. “I wanna take you and squeeze you til the passion starts to rise,” Cooper sings, as they stare deeply and meaningfully into each others eyes. The strangeness works, ultimately emphasizing the song’s message — that that’s enough for a working man. 

BROKEN

As opposed to...?

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Man, has this kid got his bratty whiney pouty Mark Hammill face down perfect or what? Also, I seriously cannot tell if the mom is also wearing a Luke mask or a Martha Stewart mask and I'm a bit disturbed that it's that confusing.

And now for a new feature called...

IMPORTANT LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS

CARTOON: The Smurfs LESSON: Communism works!
For naysayers who point to the Former Soviet Union as proof that communism is inherently flawed, may we merely direct your attention to Smurf Village, where everyone shares everything, wears similar utilitarian clothing, battles Gargamel and his turn-Smurfs-to-gold get rich quick schemes and obeys the dictates of a bearded, red hat-wearing, benevolent authority figure. Quoth Comrade Papa: “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” Really, he actually said that.
How it affected us as adults: Secret communist agendas ceased being dangerous, or really any adjective of consequence, years ago. The worst thing communism does these days is make Ivy League students waste a couple of years wearing ugly clothes and attending boring meetings. However, the sexual politics of Smurf Village, with its one female for every 30 guys, did go a long way towards preparing us for freshman year of college.

DAD

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

There is one rational, intelligent response to the conclusion of last Sunday’s episode of "The Amazing Race 11": HOLY FUCKING SHIT. The hour ended with a foot race that seemed to be created mostly by the editors—the two teams were at least a few minutes apart—but they did a masterful job, and it was crazy suspenseful. Those few minutes were especially intense because the race was between last-place teams Rob and Amber and Charla and Mirna, the most physical team versus the least physical team. I am so glad I didn’t read the spoiler list, because it correctly identified this week’s elimination, and knowing that would have made the conclusion far less satisfying. First, though, there was drama along the way: Rob said, “I’m not trying to be arrogant or cockey, I’m just saying’, like, I know I believe in us. I believe that we’re the strongest team here.” Amber said, “I almost feel that we’re peaking,” and Rob immediately dismissed that: “I’m not peaking. I’m not even close to my prime.” I love a little foreshadowing in the evening. “I’m treating her pretty much like a guy, except she has nicer boobs,” Eric said of Danielle. Is anyone surprised he’s comparing his girlfriend to a guy? Mirna told us, “Charla obviously wants to contribute, but I do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the race…” If you mean that you do more bitching, you’re absolutely right. Actually, Mirna finished the sentence with “…to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.” Oh, a height joke. Mirna, Mirna. Rob gleefully showed us “a little note that the stewardess gave me when I came out of the bathroom. … what can I say, she handed over the directions right to me. Thanks, Uchenna.” Uchenna explained that “Rob comes in and steals” the directions he’d requested from the flight attendant. Reason number 5,124 why I can’t stand Romber: They pretend as though they don’t need other teams and are amazing by themselves, but so much of their success comes at the expense of others. Maybe that’s great game play; they just lie about it constantly. Rob spelled “Philippines” as “Phillipeans,” causing them to be delayed at the Detour, and then said, “It better not be a spelling thing.” I’m totally over seeing Rob on TV, but I’d pay to see him get his ass kicked on "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader"? Romber switched tasks, and teamed up with the blondes. “I know where we’re going,” Rob said, and then took them to the wrong place. “It’s like one of the first times in the race Amber and I aren’t a the head of the pack. It’s a little frustrating,” he said, his internal organs liquefying. Charla and Mirna had yet another meltdown, this time carrying supplies up stairs. “What do you want me to do?” Charla screamed. But the best part was when Mirna picked up a big wooden box of supplies, and Charla tried to reprise her glory days carrying a side of meat through the streets of Uruguay, telling Mirna to “put it on my shoulders.” “I don’t need to be comforted,” Rob told Amber when they arrived second-to-last at the airport. “He’s full of crap,” Amber said to the camera. “He wants to finish first; I know he does. Because he’s deeply upset we’re not on the first plane. It just makes me mad because he lies. Admit that you want to be in first.” Amber’s kind of growing on me. At the end of the world, literally, the Detour forced one team member to search through 1,600 pieces of mail to find one of two letters addressed to them. “What they don’t know is that the letter was written by a team on the first season of The Amazing Race,” Phil explained. About half of these had nice content; the others were hysterically rude. For example, Susan and Patrick wrote to Rob and Amber, “Hopefully this letter finds you broke, lost, hungry, in last place,” prompting Rob to say, “this is just insulting.” And deserved. “We don’t have to come in first every time,” Amber said. “We still might be able to,” Rob said as they traveled in cab, in second-to-last place. Oswald and Danny checked in first. “We made it to the end of the world for you; please say something nice,” Oswald pleaded with Phil. “Got it,” Amber told Charla and Mirna, as Rob held an old clue. “They actually believed me telling them that the clue was down there. That’s just dumb.” Later Amber lied to Charla about misleading her, saying, “I didn’t talk to you guys, I was talking to him.” Charla and Mirna left the Roadblock just before Rob and Amber, because they were luckier and Mirna found her letter first. Still, that led to a foot race to the finish line. Between Rob and Amber and Charla and Mirna. “We can definitely beat Charla and Mirna in a footrace any day,” Amber said as Charla and Mirna left, saying over their shoulders, “Lying bitch.” As they ran, Rob and Amber in pursuit, Mirna encouraged her cousin. “I’m trying, I’m trying,” Charla said, and then fell flat on her face. Charla and Mirna made it to the mat first, high-fiving Uchenna and Joyce. That led to the best 20 words in the English language: “Rob and Amber, you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race,” Phil said. Rob said something about being lucky because he has a good wife and life, but whatever, he lost. Time to retire from TV forever. That said, they did manage to easily come in first place three weeks in a row, and they are good competitors, even if they are jerkheads.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1812: Luddites attack Frank Vickerman's wool processing factory at Taylor Hill in West Yorkshire, resulting in general destruction and attempted arson. The rampaging Luddites were incensed because his machines replaced workers, but Vickerman was primarily targeted because of involvement in an Anti-Luddite committee. 1894: Jean Pauwels is killed walking into the Madeline church in Paris, when a bomb in his pocket suddenly goes off. The Belgian anarchist is later determined to have been responsible for two other explosions in February, one of which killed a pedestrian. 1937: H P Lovecraft dies from cancer and Bright's disease in Rhode Island. 1998: White House aide Kathleen Willey claims on the trashy TV tabloid program "60 Minutes" that President Bill Clinton kissed her, touched her breasts and made her touch his "no-no place." Clinton of course denies this version of events.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

Not Enough Dead Bodies: The Royal College of Surgeons said there was a serious national shortage of cadavers which are needed to teach anatomy to medical students. "Visual demonstration is not enough," said Dick Rainsbury, RCS education director, adding that he had doubts about whether those who learnt by observation could perform operations with "any degree of competence or confidence. There has been a noticeable and serious decline in the general level of applied anatomical knowledge displayed by junior doctors," he said. By law, medical schools can only use bodies from individuals who specifically request their cadavers are left for study to teach anatomy. New rules that came into force last year tightened these rules to stipulate that such formal consent had to be witnessed as well as written. The RCS said it estimated 1000 bodies a year were needed for medical teaching and that there was currently a 30 per cent shortfall, with particular problems in London. The problem has become so acute that last year Britain's chief medical officer Liam Donaldson wrote to all doctors in England asking them to encourage their patients to leave their bodies for medical research.

THERE IS A GOD

Jessica Simpson is jealous of all the celebrities with babies and says she wants one of her own. She says what's getting her ready for motherhood are her dogs and that they're putting her into the maternal caregiving mode. Gorgeous Jessica, who'd have no trouble with volunteers to make a baby in the old-fashioned way, says she'll first adopt. There's no way somebody would give Jessica Simpson a baby. At least not a human one. The inside of a shark's mouth would make a better parent. Probably score higher on the SAT's too.

R.I.P.

Lamar Lundy (02/24) Not quite as fearsome without his foursome. Pretty faggy name, too. Arthur Schlesinger Jr. (02/27) The 1946 Pulitzer Prize winner for history is, appropriately enough, history. Clem Labine (03/02) Former Dodger, former Dodger,
Former DODger Clem Labine, He is lost and gone forever, Former Dodger Clem Labine. Thomas Eagleton (03/04) He's got no tamale. Ernest Gallo (03/06)Arrivederci, you old wino you. Brad Delp (03/09) Less than a feeling.

MOVIE BUZZ

Watchmen: In a special 300 trailer, director Zack Snyder squeezes in a hidden frame of Rorschach from his upcoming superhero movie. There are also a couple of naked women in the same trailer, but we fanboys know where our priorities lie.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End: On March 19, Disney will be premiering the first trailer all over the web and during the season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars". I don't know what's more exciting: Waiting for the trailer or for Heather Mills' leg to fall off.

Where The Wild Things Are: One lucky guy got a sneak peek of Spike Jonze's supersecret adaptation of the iconic kids' book. Sounds neat: All the creatures are giant "Sesame Street"-style suits and puppets.

Escape From New York: Gerard Butler now wants to star in a remake of John Carpenter's classic flick. Between wearing a mask in Phantom of the Opera, a giant helmet in 300 and now Plissken's famous eye patch, what's this guy got with wanting to cover his face?

Fantasy Island: Eddie Murphy plans to star as several different characters in a big-screen update. It's pretty much guaranteed he's going to put on a fat suit for one of them, but will they "shrink" him to play Tattoo? Or did Little Man ruin that special effect forever?

Shazam!: John August says he's working on a script starring Captain Marvel. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I'm really hoping he bases it on the '70s Saturday morning show, where the superhero traveled the country in a Winnebago.

Tintin: Steven Spielberg is going to take on the famous Belgian comic character, who seems like he's going to need more "hair gel" than Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.

X-Men 4: Don't expect a major mutant brawl anytime in the near future. A Marvel spokesman says that the upcoming Wolverine spinoff is being considered the next official entry in the franchise. Duh. Wasn't that guy already the lead in the original trilogy?

Well, that's it again for another entry of the Phile (still hoping to hit 2000 views by June. I know we can do it, folks!). Please check the Phile's Webshots page and Myspace page. Remember, spread the word, not the turd.

 

 

 

 

Swallow Or It's Going In Your Eye

Welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Peverett Phile. I am your host, Jason Peverett, Disney's worst bowler. Last Sunday was the Disney Bowl-A-Thon and in the three games I bowled, the highest score I got was 58. Yeah, I sucked. So, it's the 74th anniversary of the movie King Kong. It’s a story about a woman who becomes involved with creature from another species. And that wouldn’t happen again until Maria Shriver met Arnold Schwarzenegger. Guess what’s back in New York City? Beavers. Beavers back in New York City. It’s an infestation of beavers. It’s so bad, they’re thinking about bringing in Dick Cheney. Apparently, the beavers didn’t just get here. They’ve been here quite a while. One has been living for years on the head of Donald Trump. Paris Hilton’s in trouble. Paris Hilton violated her parole, and as a result she could get three months in prison. When asked about it, Paris said she’s hoping to get off . . . and she’s also hoping to avoid prison. The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said "we had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.” Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will replace the old customer classifications: teeth, or no teeth. Angelina Jolie announced she is now adopting a Vietnamese baby. When reached for comment, Jolie said, "Only three more countries to go.” Hugh Hefner is getting married. Hugh Hefner is 80 years old, and his bride to be is 27-year-old Holly Madison. Look at it this way: He’s got everything a girl could want; he’s rich, and he’s famous, and he’s nearly dead. Sen. John McCain announced right here on this program that he’s running for president. Then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab. Hillary Clinton’s campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1 million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging that he has spent more than $1 million on the Internet. McDonald’s is trying to compete with Starbuck’s, so they’re going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald’s say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut McRib. According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a woman’s chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream increases a woman’s chances of looking pregnant.

BROKEN

The sign is clearly prohibiting doing something in the bathroom, but what is it?

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

You didn't get the part, Scott Baio. Accept it!

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: How did the electrician lose all the power in his home? A: He got married.

According to a new book, 50 women were asked what they'd do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most said, "Probably get a salary increase."

Q: What is the definition of wicker box? A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Britney Spears.

Did you hear the one about the girl who was extremely skinny? She had to tease her hair just to keep her pants up.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.

REJECTED MOVIE TAGLINES

Seabiscuit: In Association With Elmer's

REJECTED COMMERCIAL SLOGANS

Zirconia: "Two months salery, my ass."

TODAY IN HISTORY

1968: A Soviet submarine sinks in the Pacific Ocean, killing all 97 crewmembers aboard. Later in the year a U.S. submarine secretly retrieves an encryption machine, codebooks, and nuclear warheads from the Soviet vessel. A further bold attempt is made in 1974 to bring up the entire submarine using the CIA ship Glomar Explorer, built by Howard Hughes. That mission supposedly fails, and is made public by the Los Angeles Times to the great embarrassment of the Agency. 1973: Paul McCartney is fined 100 UKP for growing marijuana at his farm on the Mull of Kintyre. 1997: Chad Lamansky and Daniel Myers, a pair of teenagers in Davis County, Iowa, slip into an animal shelter at night and beat 16 cats to death with a baseball bat. A jury later determined that the cats had a value less than $30 each, ruling out the possibility of a felony conviction. 1998: In Ladson, South Carolina, Daniel Rudolph -- brother of Olympic Games bombing and abortion clinic bombing suspect Eric Rudolph (a fugitive) -- videotapes himself severing his own hand with a power saw in order to "send a message to the FBI and the media". Mmmm, inbreeding? 1999: Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS

The Goo-Goo Dolls had two #1 songs on their 1998 album 'Dizzy up the Girl' when they payed a call on Elmo’s World, adapting the lyrics for "Slide" to the child-like muppet. (”Elmo whisper in my ear. I really want to hear / The things you did today / that satisfied you…”) Inspired by their rock star cool, Elmo imagines himself in sunglasses and a black leather jacket — and bobs innocently in time to their catchy alterna-pop.
What’s surprising is how well it works. The song’s original cryptic lyrics finally make sense, and the tune’s uplifting melody complements their message of self esteem. (”Let those good thoughts fill your head. You are furry proud and red…”) Of course, probably the last thing Elmo needs is more people stroking his ego. His top-muppet status has already introduced him to an impressive string of celebrity A-listers, from Robert Dinero to the governor of Arkansas, and even Norah Jones dropped by to sing a torch song to the letter of the day. (Y.) In 2004 Elmo topped it all off with a cameo on the 'West Wing'. When it comes to raw popularity, he’s the king. Or as the Goo-Goo Dolls put it: “Elmo. No one can touch him…”

HEROES

"Company Man" last week gave us many dimensions of one character. This week's awesomeness gives us many events snowballing throughout the 'Heroes' universe. New characters, new secrets about old characters, and in anticipation of a month-plus hiatus, some tantalizing cliffhangers. If this episode had been a football game, then I would say it was remarkable for its extraordinary number of turnovers. Time after time, when one character thinks he or she has the drop on another -- surprise! It isn't so. I'll get the Niki/Jessica stuff out of the way first. Niki manages to gain a modicum of control of her body back from Jessica. First she leaves the photo of Nathan -- Jessica's next intended target -- on D.L.'s pillow as some kind of warning. Hm. A written note might have helped: "Dear D.L.: My evil dead twin has taken over my body. She has a gun in her bag and is planning to kill this politician. (See photo, attached.) Take steps to ... " etc. But nah, and D.L. thinks Jessica is being paid to "entertain" Nathan or something, so he just warns her to just watch her step from now on. Later, Niki breaks through again. She's too late to save the FBI agents, but just in time to warn Nathan himself about Linderman's plot. Speaking of Nathan, the flying politician's fingers are in many a pie this week. Before heading to Vegas, he drops a dime on Isaac attempting to handle the tragic events at the Artist's loft and help Peter. Agents of the paper company intercept that call, naturally. When Nathan gets to Vegas he encounters Hiro, and helps him past Linderman's gate-keeping goons. "When I first met you," Nathan tells Hiro, "I thought you were crazy." "That's okay," says Hiro, "I thought you were mean." Like Hiro, we have been given the idea lately that, yeah, underneath his power-craving exterior, Nathan really is one of the good guys. It looks even more like that is the case tonight, for awhile anyway. Nathan is revealed to be an FBI informant, working to take down his "father's good friend" Mr. Linderman all along. But there's more. Nathan confronts Linderman with the intention of killing him. Linderman's not especially surprised by this wrinkle. It would probably take quite a lot to surprise Mr. Linderman. Not only does he know about Nathan's ability to fly, and Peter's and Claire's abilities, he also has a pretty good grasp of future events from his collection of Mendez paintings and possibly other sources. Or, maybe I should say, possible future events. Without going into details, Linderman reveals a plan for fast-tracking Nathan to within "a heart beat of the Presidency," in two years: "a life of meaning" but not happiness. That gets Nathan's attention, and he lowers his weapon. Among many other roles in his distinguished career, Malcolm McDowell has in latter years played Ari Gold's antagonizer and James T. Kirk's killer. In his initial Linderman outing, he plays it clever, cool, calculating, charming, and sardonic. Just the traits I like to see in a decent megalomaniac. Nathan either intends to align himself with Mr. Linderman, or to just play along to see what happens. It's too early too tell. But if Linderman had really wanted Nathan dead, where would that leave his plan for placing Nathan in the White House? Maybe Linderman knew the outcome of sending Jessica after Nathan in the first place. Or maybe he has detailed plans to achieve his goals under many different scenarios.
Soon we will head back to the future alongside Hiro. But first, Ando, it turns out, was not that easy to get rid of. He surfaces disguised as one of Linderman's security guards after Hiro finds the sword and the curator sounds the alarm. Ando infiltrating the highly-paranoid Linderman security force may not be the most believable twist we've seen, but I'm so happy that Ando is back that I'm not going to dwell on it. Anyway, Hiro uses his powers to transport Ando and himself to safety. Okay, maybe not to safety per se, as they end up on the roof of the Deveaux building -- post nuclear disaster. Hiro immediately interprets this to mean that he will fail to stop the bomb. However, it could be only one of many possible futures. One interesting thing about the skyline is that there is construction going on amid the Manhattan ruins. It looks like at least three new skyscrapers are being built. This might just be normal rebuilding the could occur after any disaster, but the significance of including this particular detail, along with hearing Linderman's intended future for Nathan, makes me wonder if the nuclear disaster is part of a plan by someone (Linderman? Nakamura?) to take over the world, a plan which also entails rebuilding a new city, a sort of Lindermanopolis if you will, from the ashes of NYC. How about that Candice? I hated her from the moment she patted a strapped-down Matt Parkman on the head. Like many a metamorph before her, she's obnoxious as hell. I guess that's what comes from being able to take on anyone's form. (Update: Most commentators state that Candice is an illusionist, not a shape-shifter. This makes sense as the entire background shimmers and changes when she comes out of an illusion -- not just her body. She's still an a-hole though.) Too bad it didn't occur to HRG after he discovered what Candace's power that he wouldn't be able to trust another living soul as long as she's around. This brought about one of the saddest reversals of the episode. HRG feels the relief of finally being able to talk openly with his wife about his secret life. Back from his New York mission, he tells "her" the company "has to be stopped -- for good" in order to ensure Claire's safety once and for all. Just like that, his plan, which were necessarily concocted in a hurry last episode, is uncovered by these much more sinister agents of the company: Candice and the boss, Eric Roberts' character. Claire pulls a fast one on the Haitian at a New York airport, and seems to escapes him. She wants to stay in the city and look for Peter. Earlier, she kept asking the Haitian to tell her when she could see her family again. I don't understand that. After what she witnessed last week, how can she hold out the hope that this is an option? It's easy to forget sometimes that she's really a kid, and I guess this is a reminder. Claire goes to the Petrelli family home. Nathan and Peter's mother turns out to be yet another character who knows more than she has let on, and has been working behind the scenes since forever. I was pretty blown away by this one. I never suspected her of being anything but a minor character placed there to make Peter feel like an ineffectual younger son. But no, Claire has a new French-speaking grandma who reveals herself as an ally of the Haitian and part of some greater scheme. Mohinder shines for a moment when he, having discovered Sylar's true identity, tricks and drugs the serial killer. That moment, and the tuning-fork torture, almost make up for his extended naivety lately, chumming around with Sylar of all people. But, poor Mohinder has severely overestimated his ability to control Sylar. That is difficult to understand given Mohinder's knowledge that Sylar has absorbed a large number of abilities. Mohinder really should have taken the sample he needed and killed Sylar immediately after the drugged tea took effect. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20. Contrary to spoilers I've read, no one actually dies in this episode. I'm not saying Peter or Mohinder won't die, say ... oh, five seconds into Chapter Nineteen. Mohinder is pinned to the ceiling, but still breathing. Peter is having his skull opened. The healing ability Peter absorbed from Claire might yet kick in as it did when Claude chucked him off the Deveaux building. Isaac's new paintings might sorta show Mohinder and Peter de-skulled Sylar-style. But who knows with those paintings. By the way, concerning previews and clips that will surely appear between now and late April: as it was with "Simone" this time, any character that is shown alivewhen they should be dead might actually be Candice. I'm just saying ...

 

 

 

 

DAD

 

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 3: This extended clip includes a wicked aerial fight scene between Peter Parker and Harry Osborn. Hey, if the fight scenes all look this great, they can put 'em all online and I'll still pay the 10 bucks when it gets to theaters.

TMNT: Leonardo and crew battle nasty lookin' aliens in two new TV spots. This is the action-filled one; this is the dull one. Black Sheep: Tired of zombie movies? OK, I'm not either, but this one in which the living dead are replaced by mutant, flesh-eating sheep looks like a shear delight. Alien Vs. Predator 2: Too bad there are no shots of either aliens or predators from the sequel in this mini-featurette, but listening to the nerdy directors chat their film up is a real hoot. Terminator 4: Ahnuld is contracted to make at least a cameo in the upcoming sequel. I can say that hearing him deliver "I'll be back" at every big political speech as Governator, he does finally have that line down pat. Okay, then, that's it for another entry of the Peverett Phile. Check out the Phile's webshots page and the Phile's Myspace page, and the Phile here at AOL Journals next week for another entry. I am still wanting to hit 2000 views by Summer, so spread the word, not the turd.

For English Press One

Rabbit. It's March 1st, so I have to say "rabbit". Hello, it's Thursday, and you know what that means, a new entry of the Peverett Phile I am your host, Jason 'Broken Rib' Peverett. Yes, I am writing this with a broken rib and a girdle on. I hurt myself on a trampoline two weekends ago, and I am in a lot of pain...but at least I am on Percaset. Whoo hoo! I'm feeling good. Speaking of a lot of pain, how many of you folks were affected by the big stock market plunge this week? Four hundred points, the stock market dropped 400 points. And big corporations were really, really affected by it. As a matter of fact, Taco Bell had to lay off 200 rats. Yeah, the market drops 400 points and, today, out of habit, JetBlue apologized. I feel pretty smug because I did not get hurt when the market plunged. Yesterday and I’ll tell you why – my accountant, bless his heart, has all my money in astronaut diapers. Yeah, I was looking at the paper yesterday, and apparently everybody, everybody on Wall Street yesterday lost a lot of money. Everybody lost – except for some mysterious reason, everybody but Martha Stewart. Any dog owners reading this? In New Jersey, they passed a law – your dog cannot bark for more than half an hour. Your dog cannot bark for more than half an hour or they arrest him and take him downtown. And I’m thinking, if you really want to cut down on irritating disturbances, how about limiting ‘The View’ to half an hour? You know the guy who directed the Titanic movie, James Cameron, the film director? Well, listen to this: he now claims that he’s found the tomb of Jesus Christ. Hmm, I just hope this doesn’t lead to a court battle in Florida, that’s all. I think this James Cameron – I guess he’s a tremendous director, Academy Award director – I wonder if he might be, uh, I don’t know, um, just destabilized? James Cameron thinks that he found the tomb of Jesus Christ. To me, that’s very interesting. Who would have guess that they’d find Jesus before Bin Laden? A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-President. Apparently voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-President.' Yesterday, police busted a steroid lab and they think that Barry Bonds was a customer. Police think Bonds was a customer because the lab is named 'The Barry Bonds SteroidLab.' Yesterday, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro called into a radio talk show and said he's feeling much better. Castro started his call by saying: 'Hi, this is Fidel from Havana - longtime dictator, first time caller.' Some politicians in Florida are trying to ban the use of the term 'illegal alien' because they think the term is offensive. The Florida officials say, 'We prefer the term 'good swimmer.'  Hugh Heffner, 80 years old, publisher of Playboy, is getting married. 27-year-old bride. He’s 80, she’s 27, and you can already hear the high heels clicking down the halls of the Supreme Court. Folks still talking about the Academy Awards. It was long. Britney Spears had a 5 o’clock shadow. The Neilsen ratings for this years Oscars were up, compared to last year’s, especially among 18- to 34-year-olds. Keep in mind that statistic is misleading because viewers who were 18 at the beginning of the show, were over 50 when it ended. Since formewr Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack dropped out of the presidential race a few days ago, Vilsack supporters are divided about which candidate to support now. Apparently one guy likes Obama, the other guy likes Hillary. Krispy Kreme announced they’re coming out with a low-fat, 180 calorie, whole wheat doughnut. This amazing whole wheat doughnut is called a bagel. How many people have been watching the Anna Nicole Smith legal proceedings? I would call it a circus, but I don’t want to insult the good people at Ringling Brothers. There were so many witnesses at the Anna Nicole Smith hearing, Jerry Springer couldn’t find guests for his show. And finally, I called Britney Spears the other day and left a message on her answering machine: "It’s Jason. I hear you’re confused and vulnerable. Call me.” She never did.

FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS

Not only was Deborah Harry a punk rock singer and new wave pioneer — she was also a guest on 'The Muppet Show'. In a surreal moment, Harry sings "Call Me" — the theme to American Gigolo — for an audience of cheering frogs, while new wave muppets with multi-colored hair lay down a background of synthesizers and electric guitars. Harry even performs "One Way or Another" with a muppet version of Blondie (wearing skinny ties and black and white suits), its chorus of “getcha getcha getcha getcha” dramatized by monsters behind doors (including a one-toothed blue fan named Mulch.) But the most inspiring moment comes when the punk pioneer corrupts a band of boy scouts — played by frogs. (”The pogo? Would that get us our punk merit badges?!”) They bop to muppetty punk rock until a concerned Kermit checks in on the troop. (”Does Mrs. Applebee know you’re in here?”) After all the jokes about colored hair and safety pins, Deborah Harry joins Kermit in "Rainbow Connection", acoustic banjo joining high new wave voice. Deborah Harry sings this one with sweet sleepy bewilderment. But maybe she’s just surprised that she’s harmonizing with a singing frog.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

You just know they bussed in that one sandperson just to meet quotas.

SHARPENING AXES

The opposite of a "vacuum" is a "plenum." Super Bowl weekend is the slowest weekend of the year for weddings. The largest crossword puzzle ever published had 2,631 clues across and 2,922 clues down. It took up 16-square-feet of space. The book of Esther in the Bible is the only book that doesn't mention the name of God. Carnegie Mellon University offers bag piping as a major. A man named John Bellavia has entered over 5,000 contests, and has never won anything. Before airplanes existed, the phrase "jet lag" was once called "boat lag." Your statistical chance of being murdered is one in 20,000. It is estimated that there are 4.2 million porn sites on the Internet. About 200 new sites go live each day.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

With the second half of 'The Amazing Race 11' facing off against the first half-hour of the Oscars, viewership was probably down, which is too bad because this was the most exciting episode so far this season. It was just the second episode, but last week’s was really boring. And despite the fact that the teams are familiar and, in some cases, becoming increasingly annoying, this was one of the better episodes in a year. It was consistent drama, with some nice back and forth action, including both a car race and foot race at the end. And, of course, a bunch of ridiculous behavior: It’s good to know that the editors have retained their contempt for Eric. He tried to make a joke about Danielle tripping and falling, because as we all know girls are incompetent, and said, “We’ll call you Humpty Dumbass.” The editors followed that with a few seconds of crickets chirping. Bill or Joe said, “Who says gay men can’t drive?” Um, no one? No need to invent a new stereotype, guys, especially when you’re dressed in identical lime-green outfits, and later place cucumbers on your eyelids while wearing identical orange jackets embroidered with the name of your tiny dog. “Drew, stop! You’re pulling me with it!” Kevin said, ending a shocking few moments. With their car stuck in mud, Kevin attached the tow rope to his own body (!), and pulled the car out of the mud (as it accelerated, of course). But Drew kept accelerating, and pulled Kevin alongside the car, almost running him over. “Please don’t tell anybody else about this,” Rob asked a ticket agent. Moments later, he proved he was a hypocrite, saying “The race is about us and the course; it’s not about the other teams.” Pick one, ass. “With a period of 10 minutes, you can go from being in first place to last place,” Rob said, when their flight was delayed. “A miserable game, this race.” Not for us! During the dramatic Roadblock, during which Mary outwitted basically every other team, Amber actually shared information with Danny and Eric. Expect Rob to file for divorce this morning. Standing in line for tickets at the airport, a new line opened, and Eric, standing at the back of the line, ran over to it, bypassing those waiting in other lines. I loathe when people do that at the grocery store or elsewhere, asif the other people standing in line are invisible. So I can understand why Rob would get upset, although of course he only gets upset when it’s not him who benefits from the unethical behavior. He tried to pretend he wasn’t really bothered, telling us that he was “just trying to stir the pot up.” But that led to conflict between Rob and Amber; as she said, “It was so wrong, it made him look silly.” Rob, of course, disagreed. “There’s a method to the madness; there always is, babe.” Excuse me while I go wipe up this fresh puddle of puke. “I have a lot of experience driving back hos,” Rob admitted at the Detour. Oh, wait, he meant backhoes. Dustin and Kandice were freaked out when Charla yelled at them, but they missed Charla and Mirna freaking out at a cab driver. Mirna, crying, screamed at the cab driver, “What do you want from me? $20 to eat food, I give you; I don’t eat tomorrow. Muchas gracias, amigo! God help you!” “It’s easy to make yourself beautiful with plastic surgery. But to have a pure heart and to have morals is not easy to make up,” Charla said, shortly after her cousin verbally assaulted a cab driver, throwing her purse at him and cursing him for asking for money to help them out. Rob and Amber came in first again. Deciding whether to go left or right, Mary looked at a sign and said, “I would think right, because it has the most words.” And just when the Roadblock had convinced us that she was smarter than she let on. When Phil told Kevin and Drew that they were the last team, Drew walked away and said, “Let’s go, man.” Phil, annoyed, had to ask him to return: “Can you just stay right here, please?” Then he eliminated them, and Drew walked away again. “Oh yeah, that’s fine,” he said. This is one of the bad things about an all-star race: It affects our attitude toward our favorite (or least-favorite) teams. Drew, half of one of the most fun-loving teams in the race’s 10-year history, a sore loser? Amber, helping others and challenging Rob? The world is spinning.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1815: Jesse Sharpless is convicted in Pennsylvania of exhibiting a "certain lewd, wicked, scandalous, infamous and obscene painting, representing a man in an obscene, impudent and indecent posture with a woman" in his own house. It is the first obscenity trial in the United States.1932: A man climbs a makeshift ladder to the 2nd floor of Charles Lindbergh's New Jersey home and snatches his twenty-month-old son, Charles Jr. Whoever took the baby left behind a poorly-written ransom note demanding $50,000 in small bills. 1954: Four Puerto Rican nationalists open fire on House of Representatives from visitors' gallery, wounding five representatives. All four captured by security guards. 1954: The first hydrogen bomb is detonated at Bikini. Even though the bomb was hundreds of times more powerful than the atomic bomb exploded there in 1946, no islanders were evacuated this time. Almost 300 people suffered radiation exposure. 1969: While performing with the Doors, Jim Morrison asks the audience "Do you wanna see my cock?" then exposes himself briefly on a Miami stage. For thus showing his peepee Morrison received a sentence of six months hard labor. 1971: The radical group Weather Underground explodes a bomb in a restroom of the U.S. Capitol building, causing significant damage. The bomb exploded after an intensive search of the building yielded no results. Nobody is ever convicted of the attack. 1978: The body of Charlie Chaplin is stolen for ransom by Galtcho Ganav (Bulgaria) and Romnan Wardas (Poland) from a cemetery in Corsier, Switzerland. The actor's corpse is recovered two months later. 1999: Eight tourists at the Buhoma Homestead (including two Intel executives), in Uganda to visit wild mountain gorillas, are kidnapped and hacked to death with machetes by Rwantan Hutus.

DAD

HEROES

Damn, this is good TV. 'Heroes' has raised the bar for itself again. That's my review, thanks for stopping by, I look forward to reading your comments. Seriously though, I don't know where to start. The show this week focuses on one main story: the life and career of that "company man," Mr. Bennet, the man with a hidden first name, aka HRG. He is, as we knew, mysterious, calculating, and deceptive. He's also intelligent, conflicted, and loving. Jack Coleman, who plays this character teasing out all his layered glory, deserves an Emmy based on this episode alone. We get glimpses of Mr. Bennet (back in his pre- horn-rimmed days) at key points throughout his career for the company. Even in first meeting with his new boss (Eric Roberts), Bennet espoused the philosophy he has held through the series. People are "fragile teacups" he says, and they don't want to know "what is happening to our species." Here he's a bright, fresh-faced young idealist, and in the ensuing scenes we watched that idealism chipped away. He's ordered to kill his partner, he's uncomfortable, but, still a true believer, he does it. Or believes he has done it, anyway. We know that Claude survived; that is something HRG didn't learn until last episode. That's shocker number one: Claude was an agent, not a victim, of the company, at least at one time, until he could no longer tolerate its treatment of, as he says, his "own kind." And it is a company, it appears. Some sort of international consortium of the very rich and power. Which brings us to surprise number two. Now if you saw this one coming, you are a real life Matt Parkman, and should immediately call the James Randi Educational Foundation and collect your million dollars because Hiro Nakamura's father is not just some tradition-bound tycoon who doesn't understand his son, as he initially appeared. He is behind the "company." When he gives orders, they get obeyed. He orders Bennet to adopt Claire. Don't get too close, he warns Bennet, because if she manifests any abilities Bennet is supposed to give her over to the company. This pivotal incident happens on the roof of the Deveaux building in New York City.

This begs the question, is Hiro really Nakamura's son? Or was he adopted in the manner that Claire was? A few weeks ago Hiro stood up to his father, saying he wasn't going to go home and run the family business, but would stay in the U.S. and pursue his personal destiny. But it that what really happened? Tonight, I think, we saw the real Kaito Nakamura. So to what extent is Hiro being manipulated by a father who knows more than he lets on? Matt and Ted end up in custody at the paper company. What happened to Wireless, by the way? She recruited the boys, then (wisely perhaps) didn't go with them on the recon to the Bennet house.

Incidentally, I liked how the episode started back before the conclusion of last week's. We got to see how Matt and Ted got themselves into the situation of taking the Bennet's hostage. Matt doesn't seem like the type to do that, and this episode did a great job of showing how events just spiraled out of control. Ted's best line: "I'm not gonna nuke the dog!" Looks like Matt could be on tap to be HRG's new partner now. At least Eric Roberts' character said someone with Matt's abilities would make an ideal partner. We will see if Matt's curiosity, not to mention his need to find a place to fit in in the world, leads him to working with the company, at least tacitly. He wouldn't be the first. The Haitian, Eden, and Claude were all recruited at one time or another. The Haitian also appears to be part of some other organization, or maybe there's a fifth column at the company. When HRG makes his sacrifice at the bridge (the same bridge he took Claude to for that attempted assassination) he tells the Haitian to "go deep" in order to erase any memory of his role in Claire's escape. How deep, we'll have to wait and see, but HRG will probably be very distressed not knowing how or why the Haitian and Claire disappeared. This means he, of all people, will most likely be trying the hardest to find Claire in the coming months. I don't think the Haitian would erase all memory of Claire's existence (though I guess he might), but even so, there would be too much evidence that she existed at her high school, etc. I don't know how Claire's mom and brother were handled. Did the Haitian also delete their memories of what they saw and learned today? Can't wait. Yep, 'Heroes' gets better and better.

R.I.P.

Sidney Sheldon (01/30) Naturally, we find ourselves inclined to take it easy on the guy who almost single-handedly gave the world 'I Dream Of Jeannie'. Molly Ivins (01/31)
She was raised and educated in Texas, but she refused to let that hold her back.
Frankie Laine (02/06) Cross him out, add 'em up, Add 'em up, cross him out, Count him out, he's a stiff, Goodbye! Lew Burdette (02/06) He pitched 158 complete games, and had 203 wins in his 18-year career. He was voted Most Valuable Player of the 1957 World Series with three complete game victories, two of them shutouts. He had outstanding control, averaging just 1.84 walks per nine innings pitched, and he pitched over 3,000 of them. Anyway, he's dead. Anna Nicole Smith (02/08)
But, she seemed so together .... Maurice Papon (02/17) A French Nazi, the very worst kind. Lamar Lundy (02/24) Not quite as fearsome as he once was.

MOVIE BUZZ

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: The new TV spot shows the Fantasti-Car in action and lots and lots of shots of a solo Surfer. Are the FF just cameo-ing in their own film? That sounds OK. Bonus: First teaser poster. And guess who's the only character on it?

Star Trek XI: J.J. Abrams is now directing, and top of his list to play Kirk, Spock and McCoy? Matt Damon, Adrien Brody and Gary Sinise, respectively. If Adrien needs some help making that weird Vulcan hand signal, I cannot give him a few tips.

The Dark Tower: Speaking of J.J. Abrams, he just paid Stephen King $19 for an option to adapt the book series into a movie. $19? Hey, Steve, I got five bucks … can I option that short story you wrote about the guy stranded on a desert island who starts eating himself to stay alive? Bee Movie: First Jerry Seinfeld makes a funny appearance at the Oscars, andnow he's hobnobbing with Steven Spielberg in his new trailer. Out of sight for nine years, and suddenly he's Mr. Hollywood? Can you say "2008 Oscars host"? Justice League of America: They're working on a JLA screenplay. It'd be cooler if they made it the Super Friends, so they could add the Wonder Twins and Gleek. I just love that blue monkey. There, that's about it. Another Phile posted on my shitty computer. Soon I hope to have an iMac, then the Phile will be better then other. In the meantime check out the Phile's myspace page and webshots page. Remember, spread the word, not the turd.