Thursday, March 30, 2006

Phule For The Phile

Hello, and welcome to the last Peverett Phile entry of March, 2006. Man, this year is flying by. Earlier today, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power. Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction. While he's there, he's going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush is trying to learn from his mistakes because today he promised that FEMA will help the Mayans rebuild. Did your you hear the good news that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration? The bads news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300. This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.' The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the White House, but with more oil. We're now down to the final four. Not college basketball. The number of people who still think President Bush is doing a good job. Dick Cheney's approval rating is now at 18%. In fact, he's so desperate to get his approval rating up, he's now thinking of shooting an IRS agent. I know, I know, another Dick shooting joke. I'm sorry. Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer. Getting ready for Easter? In St. Paul, Minnesota, city hall removed a display of an Easter bunny, pastel eggs and a sign with the words "Happy Easter" because they might offend non-Christians. Good thing. You certainly don't want anything Christian tainting a city called St. Paul. How come people want to take the God out of Easter but no one wants to take the Satan out of Halloween? A casino in Vegas now has a 510 dish buffet. 510 dishes! Another thing that will endear us to the starving third world. There is so much food at the buffet that Elvis showed up! In women's NCAA semifinal games, the Connecticut Lady Huskies beat the Georgia Lady Bulldogs 77-75. Lady Huskies and Lady Bulldogs - it sounds like clothes sizes at Lane Bryant. Sunday Major League Baseball is back! Barry Bonds says that his life is in shambles. Which is interesting because right on the side of the bottle of steroids there’s a warning that says, "May cause shambles.” June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. The National Weather Service says it will be another busy season. President Bush is already busy stockpiling excuses. Scientists believe they may have located the actual Noah’s Ark from the Bible in Eastern Turkey. Of course, Noah was the biblical figure said to have built the giant vessel to try and save people and animals from a great flood - or as FEMA would call him, "A showoff." Well, I have a busy weekend planned, how about you? Tomorrow Logan, Jen and I are going to have a Peverett Party Day at Sea World, Saturday is Logan's first soccer game of the season, as well as my niece Kaylie's birthday party, and Sunday we are getting some nieghbors into Disney as well as going to one of Logan's school friend's birthday party. I might be able to sneak a nap in there sooner or later. Oh, and Saturday is April Fool's Day, and I won't be at work to play a fool's trick on anybody. That's okay, I do it pretty much every other day anyway. Okay, let's get on with the Phile.

INNOVENTIONS

I have been working at Innoventions in Epcot for almost ten years, and I think it's growing on me...the power to innovate and invent. So, here we go with my first invention: the butt-face towel. There's a serious problem in your bathroom that you're not aware of. After your bath or shower, you might be drying your face with the same part of the towel that dried your butt the day before. Or worse yet, it might've dried somebody else's butt. Think about it...using an ordinary towel, you have a fifty-percent chance of getting a face full of butt-tainted terry cloth. Yes, it's revolting, but I have a solution. The ingenius Butt-Face Towel brings sanitary sanity back into your bathroom. It's a quality, terry cloth bath towel with two clearly labeled ends. One half is white with the word "FACE" embroidered. The other end is brown (good color choice) and is embroidered with the word "BUTT". Simple, no? Each end off the Butt-Faced Towel knows its place. The portion you use on your butt, and, er, nether regions, need never make the revolting journey up to your face again. Your cheeks will face you, all four of them.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

London - Germans are the most intelligent people in Europe, well ahead of the British (in eighth place) and the French (15th), according to a new study by Northern Ireland's University of Ulster, The Times reported Monday. With an average intelligence quotient (IQ) of 107, a scintilla of brainpower above the Dutch who also scored 107, the Polish (106), the Swedish (104) and the Italians (102). They all came out better in the intelligence stakes than the British who rated an even 100 IQ according to the study, ahead of the Spanish (98) and the French (94) who could only comfort themselves by checking the study results for Bulgarians, Romanians, the Turkish and Serbians who languished at the bottom of the table on 89. Professor Richard Lynn, who headed the study, caused controversy last year by claiming that men were more intelligent than women by about five IQ points on average. He said of his latest findings that populations in the colder, more challenging environments of Northern Europe had developed larger brains than those in warmer climates further south. The average brain size in Northern and Central Europe is 1 320cc and in southeast Europe it is 1 312cc, according to his studies. He ascribes the differences between British and French intelligence levels to the results of military conflict. He described it as "a hitherto unrecognised law of history" that "the side with the higher IQ normally wins, unless they are hugely outnumbered, as Germany was after 1942", The Times reported. Stupid survey.

SHARPENING AXES

This week's topic: your age in chocolate. Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know! This is pretty neat. It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ... 


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate 
(more than once but less than 10) 

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) 

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator 
 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755. 
 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number.  The first digit of this was your original number.  The next two numbers are your age! (Oh, yes, it is!!!!!) This is the only year (2006) it will ever work so spread it around while it lasts.

THERE IS A GOD

Have you seen the poster for the sequel to Brokeback Mountain? Now, this is my kind of movie!


DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Doctor Who on the Sci Fi Channel delivered a 1.27 rating with an audience of 1.55 million viewers for The Unquiet Dead last Friday on its first-run in America. Compared to last week's episodes, the latest episode was up 13% with men ages 18-49 -- a key demographic of importance to the channel -- and up 12% with total viewers ages 18-49, but was down approximately 20% on its household rating (the actual ratings number reported). Sci Fi was expected to lose some viewership after its original opening night broadcast and future weeks will determine if the ratings numbers have stabilized.
 
REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT
 
The picture in the last entry was of a Republican. Yippee. Well, I think I exhausted that bit.
 
I HAVE A MIGRAINE
 
The squares in the middle look distorted...don't they?
 
58
 
FIND DAVE CHAPPELLE
 
 
Can you find him?
 
BROKEN
 

Dryer

Funny, I usually dry my hands with that thing. But each to his own, I guess.

STRANGE LEGO CREATIONS

 

Okay, and now for...

MOVIE BUZZ

Magnum P.I.: It's down to Vince Vaughn and George Clooney for the Selleck role. The only way to decide is a mustache-growing contest. Though if that were the case, Jason Lee would have this thing all wrapped up.

Stop-Loss: Justin Timberlake finally landed a lead role — a Rambo knockoff set in Iraq. Hope his agent's got an exit strategy.

Casino Royale: Forget all the debate about Daniel Craig and just check out these awesome action-packed pics. Bond is gonna be just fine. The purists who run Craig-bashing websites have too much time on their hands.

Snakes On A Plane: They've added more cursing, more action and, most important, more snakes. Promo idea: fake tattoo versions of this killer logo.

Ocean 13: No Julia Roberts or Catherine Zeta-Jones, but at least we get … Ellen Barkin? And she hooks up with Matt Damon? The only way this could get less appealing is if Bernie Mac and Elliott Gould went at it.

Lovers and Players: Jessica Simpson has purchased a book! Well, at least the rights to a book. She wants to play an aspiring pop singer in this Jackie Collins adaptation. See, this is what happens when you promote literacy.

The Watchmen: The guy who directed Dawn of the Dead is the latest to try to bring the holy grail of comic adaptations to the big screen. Don't get your hopes up. The project's been in development longer than your average comic-book geek's been in a black trench coat.

Wonder Woman: Pet peeve: when actors blab to the media about wanting a big role, like, say, Lindsay Lohan making a play for Wonder Woman. Look, I want both Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson to play the Amazon warrior — twins! — but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen.

Okay, now for a brand new trailer for Flight 93, a 9/11 movietrailer

Well, that's all I have. Have a good weekend and week, and remember, spread the word, not the turd. And don't forget to check out my good friend Jeff's blog at http://journals.aol.com/trel67/StoryTimewithJeff/ and my webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs . Until next week, I will leave you with a random pic as usual.

Click for a random picture!




Thursday, March 23, 2006

Have A Nice Day

What's up? How are ya? What's happening? Welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing. But he is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Vice President Dick Cheney. Man, I cannot stop with the Dick jokes. For the last 16 years the commissioner of the NFL has been Paul Tagliabue. Well, he's retiring. And listen to this, they had offered the job to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, honest to god, offered it to Condoleezza Rice, and she turned the job down. Now, when Janet Reno heard this, she said 'Yo, over here, let's go!' Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline. In the world of entertainment, Isaac Hayes has quit 'South Park' because they made fun of scienetology. I guess he gave them the shaft. Anyway, I quit watching 'South Park' ever since they made fun of Gingerheads. Last Friday was St. Patrick's Day, and I don't know about you, but I get tired of seeing everybody wearing green. It's okay in my son's class when all the kids wore green, but going to Publix and seeing just about everyone else wearing green it got kind of annoying. I didn't know who worked there and who was shopping. Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House on St. Patrick's Day. He presented the President with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology. Did you hear what happened? Meanwhile, Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun. I also received a bowl of shamrocks, but I kept asking myself 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?' I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot incommon: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq. Yeah, the other day Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him. Fortunately former President Clinton has stepped up and volunteered to meet with Jessica himself about this important charitable event and not at a fundraiser, at a totally nonpartisan Ramada Inn well outside of Washington D.C. Have any of you heard about this bird-flu? Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits. Well, that should silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the bird flu, huh?

Okay, before I continue with the jokes, cartoon pictures and other crap, I have to tell you about yesterday. I don't usually post stories about my life here on the Phile, but this story I have to. Yesterday I was at work at Epcot, and there were these four people, two couples, entering the park wearing clothes like they were straight out of Narnia or Lord of the Rings. Total geeks, dressed like elves or some shit. Anyway, I pointed them out to my security friend Al, and mentioned that i was surprised they were let in like that. Al said he knew Jon Bon Jovi was coming into town, and that he thought it was him and his family. Al is a great guy, but apparently has no touch with reality. Neither did these guests, come to think of it. Anyway, I phoned my wife Jen who is a huge, and I mean huge Bon Jovi fan. She immediately went into panic mode and wanted me to find out any info I could about Jovi's trip. Sharpening my axes, and playing detective, I found out that he was going to eat at a restaurant at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. Actually, I overheard three guest relations guests talking about it. I told Jen and in the afternoon Jen and Logan (my son) showed up at work hoping he would be there. After work, I changed in the parking lot into the clothes Jen brought for me, and they went to the Lodge and I went to McDonald's for dinner. When I got to the Lodge I walked into the lobby and Jen went running over to me, crying. I thought her niece was in a car accident. She called her niece Spring to meet us there. I knew Logan was okay as he was skipping behind her. It turned out they sawhim in the gift shop and I got there as he walked along the balcony to his room. Spring showed up and we camped out in the lobby until after eleven, but he never came back down. This morning I went to work and Jen and Logan went back to the hotel but didn't see him. They looked for him at the Magic Kingdom but had no luck. She didn't take a picture in the gift shop as she was in way too much shock, and I don't blame her, the poor thing. Well, that's my story. Now for the rest of what I could fit into this entry.

SHARPENING AXES

 

Pixelated ClothingI watch a lot of Reality TV, enough of it to notice an on-going phenomenon: Someone wears a garment with a trademarked logo or artwork on it, and the producers have to pixelate it beyond recognition in post-production. Of course no Reality TV star wants their shirt, which displays their well-chosen article of self-expression, senselessly pixelated so nobody can see it. But no Reality TV producer wants to deal with the headache of removing said article of self-expression to avoid trademark violations. The pixelation process seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for something that could have been avoided with a little pre-planning.

Pixelated HatSo I’d like to introduce my new line of pre-pixelated clothing for Reality TV shows. If you’re going to be on a Reality TV show, you can buy one of these fine products and save someone a lot of headaches later. In fact, if you live in an area where a reality TV show is taping, you should think about getting one of these shirts in case you get caught in the background of a shot. And if you’re heading to audition for a Reality TV show, maybe you should wear one of these shirts to the audition so they know that you’re really serious about Reality TV. Of course I am not selling anything on the Phile, but I could.

iPOD MAKE LOVE TO YOU

I love my iPod, and my iPod loves me. I am going to start a new feature...yes, another new feature...showing of real iPod accessories that I want. Why? because I love my iPod.

P.P. T.V.

Click on the links for two different videos on Chef. Isaac Hayes has a new job (from Jimmy Kimmel)  RIP Chef 

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

GEEK TALK

FILM: Disney has announced that it will premiere its upcoming Pixar computer-animated feature Cars during a special event on May 26 at Lowe's Motor Speedway in Charlotte, N.C. Most of the film's voice cast—including Paul Newman, Owen Wilson, Bonnie Hunt, Larry the Cable Guy and NASCAR drivers Richard Petty and Darrell Waltrip—as well as director John Lasseter are scheduled to appear at the event before 30,000 guests. The event will coincide with the CocaCola 600 NASCAR race, also taking place at the speedway that weekend. The premiere will be the first to feature digital projection on multiple screens. A series of four giant custom-built outdoor movie screens (115 ft. wide and 50 ft. tall) will be constructed at Lowe's Motor Speedway. Each screen will have three digital projectors dedicated to it. A state-of-the-art sound system is also being created and installed for the event. Tickets for the premiere have been made available to the public, with proceeds benefitting Speedway Children's Charities and the Association of Hole in the Wall Gang Camps. Tickets can be purchased over the phone, at the Lowe's Motor Speedway box office or online at LowesMotorSpeedway.com

TV: George Lucas' longtime producing partner Rick McCallum told the BBC that a proposed Star Wars TV series will run for at least 100 episodes. Speaking to BBC Radio 1, McCallum said the show's writing team would soon be meeting to start on the project, which would begin filming in 2008 and be ready the same year. "Hopefully, if we can make it work and everybody's excited and watches it, we will keep on going," McCallum told the BBC. The series will be set between Episode III and IV of the film saga and will cover the 20 years in the life of Luke Skywalker growing up. McCallum said there would be "a whole bunch of new characters" and the series would be "much more dramatic and darker." He added that it was unlikely any of the stars of the movies would be involved in the TV series.

FILM: DreamWorks Animation has announced that the third film in the popular computer-animated Shrek franchise will be titled Shrek the Third. The sequel has been scheduled for release on May 18, 2007. The upcoming film finds the green ogre Shrek (once again voiced by Mike Myers) and his love, Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz), reluctantly reigning over the kingdom of Far, Far Away because the heir to the throne has gone missing. If they can find him and bring him back, they can return to their simple lives in the swamp. While Shrek, Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) search for the heir, Fiona must hold off a coup d'etat by Prince Charming.
Justin Timberlake, who has been romantically linked to Diaz in real life, will join the voice cast for the third installment.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

According to information from the programming department of the Sci-Fi Channel, Doctor Who did well its first night in broadcast. 1.58 million viewers tuned in to watch "Rose," says the report, with 1.61 million viewers watching "The End of the World" and .78 million viewers each watching "Rose" and "The End of the World" in their 11pm and 12am repeat slots. These numbers are somewhat lower than the standard viewing the channel received for its broadcasts of its original series "Stargate: Atlantis" and "Battlestar Galactica" in the same time slots, but higher than any broadcast of syndicated series that evening (including repeats of "Firefly" and "John Doe"). Final numbers including Nielsen rankings should be available within the next week or two.

REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT

The woman is a democrat. How about this person?

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

53

BROKEN
 
The_other_left

The arrow must of meant the other left.

A_real_deal

What's even funnier is that unless you peeked in a window, you would see that the business had gone under, so to speak, and that the sign refers to the building, not the product.

STRANGE LEGO CREATIONS

Did I mention how much I love my iPod?

Okay, kids, it's time for...

MOVIE BUZZ

The Da Vinci Code: Finally, the full trailer. Yeah, you see the opening murder scene, but what's really cool is the Smart car product placement. With one of those, my Eurotrash transformation would be complete!

Poseidon: I don't knock the trailer for being a cheese-ball Titanic rip-off. But I do have a problem with a giant wave that breaks in the middle of the ocean. I'm no physics major, but as far as I know, the condition for wave-breaking is when a wave reaches the shore and enters water that is approximately 1.3 times as deep as the wave is high. Duh.

Mission Impossible 3: I've watched the new stateside trailer and the Japanese version 10 times, and I still can't figure out the plot. Why does Philip Seymour Hoffman wanna kill Tom Cruise? Why is Tom blowing up fancy cars? Isn't Keri Russell in this movie? Why isn't she around? Can someone explain all this? Please?

Darkon: Here's the hilarious trailer for the live-action role-playing doc that was a hit at the SXSW film fest. Warning: The nerd factor is extremely high. In fact, you might become a nerd just by watching it. Weird — I'm suddenly feeling the urge to buy some 20-sided dice.

Spider-Man 3: It took a long time, but I've finally found a reason to see the next Will Ferrell movie, Talladega Nights: the Spidey 3 teaser. Wait — the previews are before the movie. So I can just leave right after!

Untitled Wolverine Spin-Off Movie: While Hugh Jackman was promoting X3, he blurted out that this might (read: will definitely) be a prequel. I'm thinking Wolverine: The College Years. With his liver's regenerative powers, Wolfie would be the hit of every kegger on frat row.

Okay, that's not all. Here are some movie reviews of movies I have seen recently.

The Shaggy Dog: Don't they really mean The Shaggy D.A.? Instead of a plot about a teen who needs to be brave, this one is about a lawyer who needs to change his life — the shagginess being an emotional catalyst for that change, of course. This means that they're not remaking the 1959 one with Tommy Kirk (the one with the same title) but the 1976 one with Dean Jones instead. Aren't you glad you have me here to lay this all out for you? This is a (sort of) passable remake: funny enough in an obvious way, but thoroughly irrelevant. If you want to see this movie, all you have to do is go rent one of the older ones. It's weird how Disney keeps remaking all its greatest hits. Why not create new classics instead of strip-mining the old ones? You don't have to endure the sight of Tim Allen's eyes digitally inserted into the real dog's face like on the posters and print ads. That was freaking me out before I saw it, and I was relieved to see they left that to the marketing campaign. They do, in fact, play "Who Let the Dogs Out." Because you haven't heard that song enough in your life. The weird things about eh movie are A) The presence of Danny Glover and Robert Downey Jr., who both seem to be here for the paycheck, B) the totally inappropriate dog-pound/prison-sex joke that pops up out of nowhere ("That mastiff just sold me for three dog biscuits" is, I believe, how the line goes) and C) the ubiquity of Kellogg's products sprinkled throughout. Everywhere you look, there's a Pop Tart or a box of Special K.

V For Vendetta: Kids, today's lesson is that someday, when the religious fascists take over, crushing dissent and exterminating undesirable humans who won't get with the program, it's going to be totally OK to commit terrorist acts to further the cause of the great revolution of justice. You're not really a nasty suicide-bomber if you're the good guys. Bush fans (the president, not the crappy band with Gwen Stefani's husband), you might as well stay home and not get yourselves in a bunch over this super-entertaining movie. It's not for you. It's for the rest of us, who are totally freaked out that right-wingers are running the country, the ones who've been harboring revenge fantasies for the past six years. And fans of subtlety are also advised to steer clear, because it's as paranoid and pompous a piece of brazen looniness as you'll see this year. Remember that movie with Helen Slater and the Pat Benatar song? The one in which Helen is fighting The Man and shaves her head and becomes a symbol of oppressed teens everywhere? V is just like that, except it's Natalie Portman with the shaved head. Also, there's no Pat Benatar. Instead there's a Cat Power song. Hardcore fans of the graphic novel should stay away from this movie.You people are impossible to please anyway.
Every time Stephen Fry is on-screen, especially when his character, a TV presenter, hosts a bit that includes showgirls and a guy in a gorilla suit being chased around the set like it's the Benny Hill Show, all fast-motion to the song "Yakkity Sax." Nobody dislikes that song. Oh, yeah, and the part in which Natalie Portman tries to make out with Hugo Weaving's mask. Because it's gross.

Well, that's it for another edition of the Phile. I will leave you with another random picture. Until next week...have a nice day.

Click for a random picture!


 

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Call Me Your Doctor

Hi, welcome to another fun-filled, exciting entry of the Peverett Phile. The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud! Wait a minute, I'm not American. It's also spring break in Iraq. It's kinda like here, half of them getting bombed, half of them getting stoned. Here's news from Mexico: Mexican President Vincente Fox announced that they have discovered oil under the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Bush accused Mexico of having weapons of mass destruction. Former President Bill Clinton is telling people that his gut is saying that America is ready for a woman president. And I would say to President Clinton that's not your gut talking. First Lady Laura Bush said she started exercising when she married President Bush because it was already part of his lifestyle. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that also explains why she stopped reading. Here's some news from my home state Florida. In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy." People in Utah are very upset with HBO because of the show that follows "The Sopranos" called "Big Love." It's about a man in Utah who has three families and seven kids with three different wives. Didn't that used to be called the NBA? Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating. So, did you folks see 'The Sopranos' last Sunday? Fans had to wait two years, two years for a new episode. Apparently the show's now being produced by FEMA. The Sopranos are a lot like the Bush administration. There are wiretaps, people going to jail, and the second in command accidentally shoots his best friend. Well, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. This is the one day a year that the mayor turns over control of our ports to leprechauns. Alright, I have a big blog for you, so lets get started.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbed and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I have not found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls the intoxicated man out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus?" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, he quickly pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

And now for a new feature of the Phile called...

GEEK TALK

COMICS: DC Comics and Warner Brothers Pictures announced that Superman Returns director Bryan Singer and screenwriters Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris will provide the plots for four comic-book prequels to the movie that will bridge the story gap between the first Superman movie and Singer's sequel. The four 40-page prequel comics will be published in June, the month the movie opens. The four titles kick off with Superman Returns: Krypton to Earth, with a story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray; and cover by Adam Hughes. The comic revisits the Man of Steel's origins and shows how the world has been transformed in Superman's absence. It comes out June 7. Superman Returns: Ma Kent is next, with a story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Marc Andreyko; art by Karl Kerschl; and cover by Hughes. It spotlights the life of the woman who raised Clark and explores how she survived a world without Superman. It's out June 14. The third title is Superman Returns: Lex Luthor, with story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Palmiotti and Gray; art by Rick Leonardi; and cover by Hughes. It centers on the villainous Luthor, who always dreamed of a world without a Superman. It goes on sale June 21. The last issue is Superman Returns: Lois Lane, with story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Andreyko; art by Wellington Dias; and cover by Hughes. It deals with the Man of Steel's true love, Lois Lane, and goes on sale June 28. Each title carries a suggested retail price of $3.99. Superman Returns opens June 30.

TV: Russell T. Davies, producer of the new Doctor Who, told SCI FI Wire that one of his priorities was to create a series that would be taken seriously as a mainstream drama. The original incarnation, which was canceled by the BBC in the late '80s after 26 seasons, was regarded by some executives as a bit of a joke in later years. "That's very true," Davies said in an interview. "But all of those people are now gone, so I have to say the opposite is now true. Frankly, I have to say, the terrifying thing about this time last year was that we had just spent all that money on it. Doctor Who has a good budget; it's not the biggest budget in the world, but for the BBC to make 13 episodes of something with this sized budget is very rare. I literally can't think of another example, so an awful lot of faith and trust had been put into it. We were also put in the prime-time slot, so expectations were actually massive, and this time last year was truly scary." Doctor Who premiered in the United Kingdom last year and became a huge hit. "The interesting thing about when the BBC approached me, I was amazed that they wanted the same thing that I did, which was that they also wanted the series to be on in prime time. You could have done a 9 o'clock, post-watershed version of Doctor Who on BBC2, which is one of our smaller channels, a more niche or elite channel, and that would have created a much more adult Doctor Who, much more like the new Battlestar Galactica, or they could have commissioned something with a much smaller budget for, say, BBC3, which is a wild youth-based channel, in which case, Doctor Who would have been possibly a [bit] Monty Python: very wild and extreme and even a bit radical and much more comedy-based. But I was delighted that they put it on for the primary channel, which is BBC1, on Saturday night." As it turned out, the vision that Davies had for the series—about an eccentric Time Lord (played by Christopher Eccleston) traveling through time and space, accompanied by companion Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) in a ship disguised as a police call box—struck an immediate chord when it debuted in its Saturday-night timeslot. "I know it isn't the same in the States, but in Britain, Saturday night is the ratings war night, in which we play Pop Idol [similar to the U.S. American Idol] and all the big entertainment shows, the Dance Fever shows. It's the biggest battleground of all, so the fact the BBC was investing in it so much by putting it in that prime-time slot very much determined what it should be, which is very much the sort of Doctor Who that I wanted to make anyway, which was a very inclusive version, which would include all sorts of viewers, not just niche science-fiction viewers, but was a great big, bold, wild family drama. So I was lucky that the constellations were in the right shape." Doctor Who begins its first-season U.S. run on SCI FI Channel starting at 9 p.m. ET/PT on March 17. That's tomorrow people!

MOVIES: Elizabeth Banks, who will reprise her role as Betty Brant in Spider-Man 3, told SCI FI Wire she's still not sure how much of her character will remain in the final cut of the movie, and she urged journalists to remind writer/director Sam Raimi that she is in fact Peter Parker's first girlfriend, according to the comic-book history. Still in the midst of filming the third part of the blockbuster superhero franchise, Banks took some time off to help promote her upcoming film Slither. "I learned my lesson a long time ago that everything can be cut," Banks said in an interview. Brant is the first girlfriend of Spider-Man's alter-ego, Peter Parker, played by Tobey Maguire in the movie. But only Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) has appeared in the films as Parker's romantic interest. Banks said she knows about her character, a red-head whom Parker meets at the Daily Bugle. Brant's colleague, Eddie Brock, turns on Parker after getting fired from the newspaper and becomes the supervillain Venom, rumored to be played by Topher Grace. Banks teased: "You should maybe write Sam Raimi a letter. I'm very aware of [the character's history]. Make him aware." She added: "Tell him I'm actually Venom!" The third installment for Spider-Man is slated for a May 2007 release. Meanwhile, Banks battles squiggly slugs from outer space in Slither, which opens March 31.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

From teams hooking up to a a team member using a racist euphemism for “motherfucker” to a fake-out pit stop, this episode of The Amazing Race 9 may not have been as funny as the others, but it had plenty of drama:

  • Phil informed us that Team Nipple Ring hooked up at the pit stop with Danielle and Dani. “Those girls are really cute,” Jeremy said, in the least heterosexual way possible.
  • BJ and Tyler leapt out of the bushes at Eric and Jeremy’s car, making both of them jump. That was the first time I laughed at BJ and Tyler, because it was damn funny. Not content to do it just once, they jumped out at Dave and Lori’s car and rode along on the outside of the car.
  • “If you don’t shut up…,” Lake threatened, as he whipped around a corner on a dirt rode. His wife Michelle simply replied, “We’re gettin’ killed.” Delivered in southern accents, however, all of this seemed a lot less threatening.
  • “Fly to Moscow Russia!” basically every team said, reading the clue. Do we really need to see every team say this? Are our attention spans really that short?
  • Eric flirted with one of the girls on the plane by messing up her hair, and it was like watching a bear try to gently pick upa lizard with its paw but maul it instead.
  • In Russia, Monica said, “All I know is Russian people drink and smoke a whole lot.” And all Russian people know about Americans is that we’re simplistic, bigoted dumbheads, so thanks for reaffirming that, Monica.
  • “I might have to do it naked!” Michelle shrieked about the roadblock, which involved jumping off a high-dive. Why she thought she’d be naked is something only she can explain.
  • “I can’t make myself go down,” Wanda said, but she ruined the joke because, when she said it, she was crying hysterically, scared to dive down into deep pool water.
  • Phil explained the Detour, one half of which involved searching through 1,500 Russian dolls, only 10 of which had “microscopic” clues inside the tiniest nested doll. I’m pretty sure this is the definition of “sadism.”
  • “We’re professional car washers,” Jeremy said. Who knew they even had jobs?
  • Wanda’s knowledge of other languages failed her in Moscow, as her daughter pointed out: “El trunk, Mom? He’s Russian, not Spanish.”
  • “Look at this rotten mammy jammer,” Lake said. I assumed this was some sort of epithet, and a quick Google search confirmed that: It’s a racist euphemism for "motherfucker." Nice,Lake, you bastard.
  • Eric and Jeremy landed on the mat first, and Phil said “However…” I thought he was going to say, “However, you morons were so busy pretending to flirt that you forgot to complete a task, so now you lose, and I must ceremoniously rip out your nipple rings.” But instead he said they were still racing and handed them their next clue. To be continued!

INTERNET SITE OF THE WEEK

http://www.whatsupyourkilt.com/ See what random things are up McNuggin's kilt.

SHARPENING AXES

This week's topic: body signs. Your date's gestures cansend you silent signals of desire—or communicate a complete lact of interest. Do you know how to read the message in these moves? Can you tell when someone is interested in you? Are you sure? Since no one likes to be rejected, it's a good idea to understand the subtle signs of attraction (or lack thereof) before you launch yourself into the line of fire. In this entries Sharpening Axes section I'll help you decode the top four body-language cues. Use this information to either proceed with your flirtation—or flee with ego intact. Before I get into the specifics, know this: For all of our technological advances and psychological insights, when it comes to the silent signs of sexual attraction, we are no different than beasts. For the past 500 million years, every member of the animal kingdom has utilized certain signals to communicate their interest in mating. These boil down to the message: "I am harmless; I won't bite." (Charles Darwin called these signs "submissive displays," because they make the subject seem more approachable.) Seeing any one of them may signify physical attraction. Seeing all four at once is compelling evidence that you are liked—and very possibly lusted after. Signal 1: Lifted Shoulders: One of the most easily detected signs of attraction is lifted shoulders. This motion indicates that a person has activated what biologists call the "cute response," a bashful, almost childlike behavior thatreveals a softer, more compliant side. This is an emotional, involuntary muscular response to someone you like, and it has a universally disarming effect. (It is also a natural response when you're oohing and ahhing over a puppy or cuddling with a baby.) In a dating scenario, this unconscious movement tells you that the person you're interested in wants to get a little closer—and that you shouldn't be shy. Sign 2: Pigeon Toes: Pigeon toes may not sound like the sexiest of gestures, but an inward rotation of the feet suggests definite interest. Anatomically referred to as "tibial torsion," this toes-turned-in posture occurs when someone feels both smitten and somewhat intimidated by you. By "shrinking" the body, the subject is creating a less threatening profile. Put simply, pigeon toes do for the body what the smile does for the face. Both actions say: "If you approach, I won't snub you." Worth noting: In direct contrast to pigeon toes is the more aggressive military posture. This toes-out, hands-behind-the-back posture is reminiscent of soldiers at ease, and its aloofness should tell you that it's probably best to keep your distance. Sign 3: The Palm Reveal: As you talk to your potential love interest, watch his or her hands. Specifically, take note of whether the palms are facing upward, while gesturing or resting on a table. The brain is programmed to perceive vulnerability and openness in this motion. In courtship, these gestures are psychologically friendlier than palm-down cues. (Indeed, think about the downward hand motions that President Bush uses when talking to the country about Iraq or that a grade-school teacher uses when trying to calm rowdy students. Not a maneuver that communicates warmth and connection.) Sign 4: The Forehead Bow: Your date has more than friendship in mind if he or she uses the forehead bow. Here's the tell-tale gesture: The person tips the head slightly forward and looks up at you from under the eyebrows. (Think of Lauren Bacall looking at Humphrey Bogartwith her famous come-hither look.) A fragment of the full-body bow, which is used in cultures around the world to show respect and deference, this head motion and those bedroom eyes can indicate that you may not be very far away from an actual bedroom. In direct contrast to this move is a posture of domination: A subtle tilting back of the head and casting of a downward gaze. That look should tell you where you stand—and that, in fact, you should go stand elsewhere because this individual is not a good prospect for love.

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

 

REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT

Okay, the first Republican or Democrat picture, the man was a Republican. Now, what about this lady? Is she Republican or Democrat?

 

DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP

is this what auto-erotic means?

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

49

Do the horizontal lines looked curved? Does anybody care? I know, I know, this is the stupidest bit ever.

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

Here are more anagrams:

Albert Einstein: ten elite brains

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:  oh sweet DVD wins new fans' heart

Richard Milhouse Nixon: his climax ruined honor

Agatha Christie: rich hag is at tea

Oscar Wilde: I lace words & ladies crow

Christopher Reeve: Script: he ever hero

Humphrey Bogart: grumpy hero bath

I miss making up anagrams with my father. Anyway, lets do some movie buzz.

MOVIE BUZZ

Casino Royale: The Web's cluttered with behind-the-scenes vids (watch 'em here, here and here) that fight off bad buzz the old-fashioned way: gratuitous bikini shots and stuff blowin' up. Works for me.

Untitled Go-Go's biopic: Belinda Carlisle wants to do a Go-Go's movie with Jessica Alba. Not exactly modest, tapping one of the hottest people on the planet to play you on-screen. 

Dallas: The Movie: Never mind the fact that nobody under 40 remembers the TV show, the one-two sucker punch of John Travolta and J-Lo ought to be enough to make this a disaster of epic proportions.

Postponed Sequels: What do Sin City 2 and The Incredibles 2 have in common? They're both gonna take forever. The former because of Angelina Jolie's pregnancy, and the latter because Brad Bird's bailing out the troubled CGI rat comedy Ratatouille. Meanwhile, the Pink Panther sequel gets fast-tracked. What the hell kind of world are we living in?

Ghost Rider: Remember the guy in your high-school art class who wore the black trench coat and sat in the back row doodling skulls and the Judas Priest logo all over his desk? I'm pretty sure he's responsible for this production artwork.

Well, that's it for another week of the Phile. Don't forget, updates are done every Thursday. And remember, spread the word, not the turd.

Click for a random picture!




 

Thursday, March 9, 2006

Woke Up This Morning

Hey, how are you? Welcome to the Phile. This sunday the new season of  'The Sopranos' starts. This season there's going to be a few changes. They'll be a lot of cursing and some killings. So, Republicans in Congress want to stop the sale of those six sea ports to that Dubai company even though President Bush supports that deal. Republican congressmen say this issue involves something even more important than loyalty to the president: Saving their own asses on election day in November. It's now believed Iran has the capability to make nuclear weapons but hasn't done it yet. Which could be big trouble, because if there's one thing the Bush Administration won’t tolerate, it’s a middle eastern country that could have weapons of mass destruction, that doesn’t. President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the President looked around and said 'Oh my god, what the hell happened here?' Vice President Dick Cheney has donated $2.7 million to the hospital at the George Washington University. He wants to make sure the next guy he shoots is taken care of first-class. Okay, I know, I said no more Dick Cheney jokes. I apologize. There are now more than 1 million lawyers in the United States. Maybe that's what Dick Cheney was doing, he was thinning the herd. Alright. That was the last Dick Cheney shooting somebody joke I will tell. Randy 'Duke' Cunningham sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp. Hey, did you har about this? Madonna is looking to buy a home in Israel, and today the PLO told Israel 'Okay, you can have the land back.' So, did any of you see the Oscars last Sunday? Do you know what was weird? The winner of this year's best foreign language film got an Oscar and one of our seaports. In his acceptance speech, George Clooney said he was proud to be out of touch, and today George Bush said, 'Hey, me too.' George Clooney won for Syriana, which was about the CIA and what people will do for oil. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, a love story. The Oscars were seen in over 100 countries, two of which don't hate us. Okay, let's get on with the blog.

R.I.P.

Dana Reeve, the widow of Christopher Reeve who worked tirelessly with her husband to improve treatment for spinal-cord injuries, has died of lung cancer. She was 44. Reeve died late Monday, Kathy Lewis, president and CEO of the Christopher Reeve Foundation, said in a statement. Reeve, a nonsmoker, announced her cancer battle last August, just 10 months after losing her husband. Her announcement came at the end of a particularly difficult time, in which Reeve lost her mother following surgery for ovarian cancer, and Christopher in October 2004. Reeve stoically stood by her husband's side after a May 27, 1995, horse-riding accident left the Superman star a quadriplegic. Following Christopher’s death, she took over as head of the New Jersey-based Christopher Reeve Foundation, which works to raise money and awareness for spinal-cord injuries. She and Christopher have a 13-year-old son, Will. No funeral services have been announced. For more information on the Christopher Reeve Foundation, go to www.ChristopherReeve.org. Once again, I say FUCK CANCER.

 

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles? A: Sparky.

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

Q: What's the difference between a goat and a goldfish? A: A goldfish mucks about in fountains.

Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"? A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs? A: Right where you left him. function sendform(){document.form0.ref.value=document.location;return true;}

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

News from England. A thirteen year old gives birth. What's a thirteen year old doing having sex?

Cradling the baby she never knew was growing inside her, 13-year-old Charlotte Maddox still cannot believe she is a mum. For months after sleeping with a boy of 15 she dismissed fleeting pains as a tummy bug and thought she was "a bit podgy" because of overeating. Her parents noticed nothing unusual. Then two weeks ago, racked in pain, Charlotte went into labour with baby Sophie - and at last the astonishing truth dawned. Herdisbelieving mother Samantha, 35 - who arrived on the scene as Sophie writhed in pain - shared the overwhelming shock. Today Charlotte, who conceived while she was temporarily in council care, vows to cherish the child she so obviously loves. But she has no desire to see Sophie's father. But Charlotte's dad Troy, 45, is furious and considering suing the council. Charlotte, who slept with the boy twice, returned home in September last year. But she did not tell her parents - who run stables in Paignton, Devon - of the relationship. Over the next nine months her weight hardly changed. The unsuspecting youngster was playing with her brothers and sisters - Thomas, eight, Phoebe, six, Jacob, five, and Tabitha, three - on February, 19 when she gave birth to 6lbs 10oz Sophie. Suddenly, she was hit by a piercing stomach pain. Anxious to lie down, she went inside to rest. Her parents were out of the house. When Samantha and Troy came to check on her minutes later they found her crippled in agony. Dummies, bibs and Babygros now lie scattered across Charlotte's bedroom, replacing the school books and teenage magazines that used to be on the floor. The new mum spends hours cuddling her daughter. Charlotte is too young to receive child support but can rely on the support of her loving parents. The care home has since closed. Torbay Council has promised a full investigation.

And now for

CELEBRITY TRIVIA

George Clooney sometimes sleeps in the walk-in closet of his LA mansion because, he says, "all the bedrooms are too light".

Matthew Perry is missing part of his middle finger on his right hand due to a door-shutting accident.

After Drew Barrymore posed for Playboy in 1995, Steven Spielberg sent a note that said "cover yourself up" along with a quilt and a copy of the magazine with all her pictures altered so that she appeared fully clothed.

At age 10, Justin Timberlake won 1991 pre-teen Mr. America pageant. The following year, he became the first male winner of America's Universal Charm pageant.

P.P. TV

The Muppet Matrix. The Matrix with Muppets. My sister Leila will love this!http://www.magicdonnie.com/themuppetmatrix.html

In case you missed it, the Oscars opening. 78th Oscar Opening

My favorite part of the Oscars. Reese Witherspoon - Wins Oscar Damn, I love Reese.

A British Simpsons promo. The Simpsons - Live Action

 

SHARPENING AXES

Einstein demonstrated that time is relative. But the rabbit-hole goes much deeper. Quantum physics discovered that consciousness is entangled in matter in some inexplicable ways; but other than the very fast, or very small, or very large, we tend to assume our “ordinary” reality conforms more to the laws of Newton. Simple cause and effect unfolding with clockwork constancy —well, it’s time to shatter this assumption. Let’s stop time. Find a clock with a smooth sweeping second hand. After watching the second hand for a bit, look off to the side of the clock, outside of the box, and about 15 to 20 minutes ahead of the second hand. You should still be able to see the second hand, but you won’t be looking directly at it. Now just relax and see if you can stop the second hand. If it starts catching up to the point you are looking at, jump ahead to another spot about 20 minutes ahead. With very little practice you are extremely likely to make a most remarkable discovery. You can stop time. Perhaps at first for only a second or two, but with practice, you’ll be able to freeze it for longer. If you can’t get it right away, try playing with your focus point, move it further away or closer to the frame of the clock. Or look at one of the hour markers on the clock about 20 to 30 minutes ahead. After you get it, try counting internally. The count you reach is the number of discrete thought processes you performed in zero clock time. Once you’ve accomplished this amazing feat, what does it mean? Some people think it’s just a simple optical illusion, that they merely stopped seeing the second hand which was actually still moving (which gets entertaining with banishing incantations of blind spots, foveal vision, saccades and such.) But if they ask themselves why it started moving again from the point it stopped (and most won’t), their explanation doesn’t quite pan out. Some will just dismiss it as a curious blip that doesn’t really fit into their radar about “reality” and it won’t be cause for further concern. But a few of us will notice the crack between experience and beliefs and want to play. Does it stop sound at the same time? For some people, for others not, which is curiosier still. Maybe consciousness can be more than a passive observer of this “constant” called time?

STRANGE LEGO CREATIONS

Logan and I love Legos. I always loved Legos. So, starting this entry and nine more, I will show you some strange Lego creations.

 

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

FAKE OR FOTO

Okay, the last fake or foto picture of the green peppers was foto. Yep, they were real. So, are you ready for another game? This one is self explanatory. Guess if the person in the picture is

DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN

DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP

Home maintenance & Safety - Be safe, be sure!

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Last season on The Amazing Race, we had fun mocking the teams and the crapitude of the actual show. The big question going into the premiere of The Amazing Race 9 was, will it still be as funny even once they start actually racing around the world again? The answer is a qualified, hesitant “yes.” While last season the teams were unintentionally hilarious in their obnoxiousness, the teams this time are, for the most part, self-consciously annoying. Still, it’s definitely better than last season, and there’s just something about this show that makes a lot of what the teams say funny.“…across more than 60 thousand miles,” Phil said, emphasizing the thousand as if to say, “See? The suck is gone already.” And that was confirmed as they headed immediately to Brazil from the starting line in Denver. Okay, I’m officially done bitching about last season. Tuesday night's episode of The Amazing Race 9 was this season’s first one-hour episode, and that helped bring the race back to its roots. The first episode always has way too many “travel to x t o get your next clue” segments that aren’t really entertaining, and last week was no exception. But this episode just trucked along. Between BJ and Tyler’s never-ending quest to be two wild and crazy guys (oh, how wild and crazy they are) and Eric and Jeremy’s never-ending quest to be two girl-crazy guys (oh, how girl crazy they are).

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

45

Hard to tell the lines are not curved.

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

In the last entry I showed you some anagrams that dad and I have done. Here are a whole bunch more.

•    Howard Stern: wonder trash

•    Frodo Baggins: bad ring's goof

•    Sherlock Holmes: heh smells crook 

•    Robin Williams: I warm billions

•    Monty Python's Flying Circus: strongly psychotic, I'm funny

•    Steve Martin: I'm star event

•    James Marshall Hendrix: hinder lax, harmless jam

•    Princess Diana: ascend in Paris & end is a car spin
 
•    Stevie Wonder: er, doesn't view

•    Elvis Costello: voice sells lot

•    Paul McCartney: pay Mr. Clean cut 

BROKEN
    

Violation

Maybe they're trying to cheer you up after realizing your car is gone.

And now, here we go...

MOVIE BUZZ

X-Men 3: The Last Stand: The second trailer has Jean Grey (back from the dead!) going to the dark side, the Golden Gate Bridge blowing up and new mutants galore. You can cut together one good preview for a movie that's gonna stink, but two? No way. I'm finally convinced that Brett Ratner didn't make a mess of the mutants.

Mission Impossible Three: Hypothetical situation: You've got a blockbuster sequel whose villain — a guy like, say, Philip Seymour Hoffman — just won the Best Actor Oscar. Wouldn't you put him in the latest trailer?

Slither: The expletive-filled behind-the-scenes featurette is most definitely not for virgin ears. But if you're a foul-mouthed degenerate, click away.

A Prairie Home Companion: The trailer manages to make an impossibly boring radio show even more boring. Not even Woody Harrelson making jokes about jugs and PMS can save it.

Little Man: I can't tell if the trailer is absolutely brilliant or totally retarded. Wait. Yes, I can.

Indiana Jones 4: Spielberg's taking a year off from directing, so kiss any hope of seeing this slow-moving sequel next year goodbye. Worse, they're rewriting the script. Again. At this rate, Indy will have to be played by the animatronic corpse of Harrison Ford. You know, like in Firewall.

Rocky Balboa: A teaser was online at Stallone's official site for five seconds. But you can find a screen shot and the voiceover text here. It's not a good sign when the suits make the director and star yank the trailer from his own damn website.

Superman Returns: Kevin Spacey says he's signed on for two sequels. Let's just hope Bryan Singer sticks around for both of them.

Casino Royale: The producer responds to all the rumors about Daniel Craig by saying, "His teeth are fine, his driving is fine, he doesn't have heat rash and he's not afraid of the water." Well, glad all that's cleared up.

Hairspray: John Travolta has signed on to star in the Hairspray remake, thus completing his transformation from dancing Broadway hunk to Edna Turnblad reincarnate.

Well, that does it for another entry of the Peverett Phile. I will leave you with a random pic, and remember to spread the word, not the turd.

Click for a random picture!

Thursday, March 2, 2006

Obese Thursday

Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. Did anyone celebrate Ash Wednesday yesterday? Tuesday was Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it was followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday is tomorrow. Mardi Gras was scaled down a bit this year. Actually it was scaled down quite a bit. Now when you threw a bead, women only flashed one boob. Yesterday President Bush flew to India. See, last week he met with American workers. This week he will go to India and visit their old jobs. Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now. Former President Bill Clinton took out an ad. He wants to hire interns for his presidential library. He’s looking for 25 interns to fill 75 positions. Did you hear Anna Nicole Smith made an appearance before the Supreme Court? It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there. Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B. Well, I have a lot of stuff for this entry so let's get started.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What does a blonde say after several orgasms? A: So, do you play for the same team?

R.I.P.

Famous or not, we all end up dead. Here are some of the better known people to have passed on recently.

  • Darren McGavin, actor best known for Kolchak: The Night Stalker, died February 25 at the age of 83.
  • Dennis Weaver, actor best known for McCloud, died February 24 at the age of 81.
  • Don Knotts, comic actor best known as Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith show, died February 24 at the age of 81.

And last entry I mentioned that Joey, our family dog had passed away. Well, my sister Leila and her husband Ben have put together a nice little website in Joey's honor. Check it out at http://www.geocities.com/leilapev/JoeyTribute.html

Okay, from now on when I find interesting video bits I am going to stick them under the heading...

P.P. TV

Click Here to go to "Top 10 Things Peter Griffin Wants to tell America"

Click Here to go to "All the Brokeback Parodies in One Place"

http://www.bloggerheads.com/star_wars/special_edition.asp ( Star Wars photoshop animated to music. Really cool!)

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

My dad and I used to have anagram competitions where we would try to come up with the best anagrams we could. So, I thought I would begin to share some with you this week.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: he's grown large n' crazed

•    William Shatner: slim alien wrath & Will is earthman

•    Elvis Aaron Presley: Seen alive? Sorry, pal & earns lovely praise

•    David Letterman: terminal dead TV & nerd amid late TV

•    Clint Eastwood: old west action & lies down to act
 
•    Jennifer Aniston: fine in torn jeans

•    Saddam Hussein: UNs said he's mad

•    Marilyn Monroe: in lore, my Norma & I marry loon men


SHARPENING AXES

Today's lesson is how to speak Southern.

Addled:  Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, "What's wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled."

Afar:  In a state of combustion. "Call the far department. That house is afar."

Ahr:  What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. "They should've been here about an ahr ago."

Ar:  Possessive pronoun. "That's AR dawg, not yours."

Ary:  Not any. "He hadn't got ary cent."

Awfullest:  The worst. "That's the awfullest lie you evr told me in your life."

Bad-mouth:  To disparage or derogate. "All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I've about decided not to vote for any of 'em."

Baws:  Your employer. "The baws may not always be right, but he's always the baws."

Best:  Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. "You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it."

Braht:  Dazzing. "Venus is a braht planet."

Bud:  Small feathered crature that flies. "A robin sure is a pretty bud."

Cawse:  Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective "lawst" (lost). "The War Between the States was a lawst cawse."

Cayut:  A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. "Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed."

Chunk:  To throw. "Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk 'at ball, can't he? Best pitcher we ever had."

Clone:  A type of scent women put on themselves. "what's that clone you got on, honey?"

Contrary:  Obstinate, perverse. "Jim's a fine boy, but she won't have nothin' to do with him. She's just contrary, is all Ah can figure."

Daints:  A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. "You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?"

Danjuh:  Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, "Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm's way."

Deah:  A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he saidto Scarlett O'Hara, "Frankly, my deah, Ah don't give a damn."

Didn't go to:  Did not intend to. "Don't whip Billy for knockin' his little sister down. He didn't go to do it."

Dollin:  Another term of endearment. (darling) "Dollin, will you marry me?"

Dreckly:  Soon. "He'll be along dreckly."

Effuts:  Exertions. "Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant."

Everthang:  All-encompassing. "everthang's all messed up."

Everhoo:  Another baffling Southernism - a reverse contraction of whoever."Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room."

Fahn:  Excellent. "That sure is a fahn-lookin' woman."

Farn:  Anything that is not domestic. "Ah don't drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka."

Fetchin':  Attractive. "That's a mighty fetchin' woman. Think I'll ask her to daints."

Fixin' to:  About to. "I'm fixin' to go to the store."

Fummeer:  A place other than one's present location. "Where do we go fummeer?"

Gawn:  Departed. "Bo's not here. He's gawn out with somebody else."

Grain of sense:  An appraisal of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. "That boy ain't got a grain of sense."

Hahr:  That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. "You need a hahrcut."

Hod:  Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child's head. "That boy's so hod-headed it's pitiful."

Ignert:  Ignorant. "Ah've figgered out what's wrong with Congress. Most of 'em are just plain ignert."

 Innerduce:  To make one person acquainted with another. "Lemme innerduce you to my cousin.  She's a little on the heavy side, but she's got a great personality."

Iont:  I don't. "Iont know if Ah can eat another bobbycue (barbecue) or not."

Jewant:  Do you want. "Jewant to go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?"

Kin:  Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. "Are you kin to him?" "Yeah, He's my brother."

Klect:  To receive money to which one is entitled. "Ah don't think you'll ever klect that bill."

Laht:  A source of illumination. "This room's too doc (dark). We need more laht in here."

Lar:  One who tells untruths. "Not all fishermen are lars. It's just that a lot of lars fish."

Let alone:  Much less. "He can't even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family."

Lick and a promise:  To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. "We don't have time to clean this house so it's spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise."

Mahty raht:  Correct. "You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin' a little bit."

Make out:  Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. "You chirren (Children) hadn't had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper."

Nekkid:  To be unclothed. "Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird."

Nemmine:  Never mind, but used in the sense of difference. "It don't make no nemmine to me."

Of a moanin:  Of a morning, meaning in the morning. "My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin."

Ownliest:  The only one. "That's the ownliest one Ah've got left."

Pert:  Perky, full of energy. "You look mighty pert today."

Purtiest:  The most pretty. "ain't she the purtiest thing you ever seen?"

Rahtnaow:  At once. "Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it's time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow."

Restrunt:  A place to eat. "New Yorker's got a lot of good restrunts."

Retard:  No longer employed. "He's retard now."

Sass:  Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. "Don't sass me, young lady. You're not too old to get a whippin'."

Shainteer:  Indicates the absence of a female. "Is the lady of the house in?" "Nope. Shainteer."

Shudenoughta:  Should not. "You shudenoughta have another drink."

Stain:  The opposite of leaving. "Ah hate this party, and Ah'm not stain much longer."

Supper:  The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. "What's for supper, honey?

Take on:  To behave in a highly emotional manner. "Don't take on like that, Brenda Sue. He's not the only man in Lee County."

Tal:  What you dry off with after you take a share. "Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?"

Tawt:  To instruct. "Don't pull that cat's tail. Ah tawt you better'n that."

Tore up:  Distraught, very upset. "His wife just left him, and he's all tore up about it."

Unbeknownst:  Lacking knowledge of. "Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards."

Usta:  Used to. "Ah usta live in Savanah."

Vaymuch:  Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. "Ah don't like this ham vaymuch."

Wahn:  What Jesus turned the water into, unless you're Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. "Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?"

Wars:  Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. "They're puttin' telephone wars underground now."

Wawk:  A method of non-polluting travel by foot. "Why don't we take an old-fashioned wawk?"

Wender:  A glass-covered opening in a wawl. "Open that wender, It's too hot in here."

Yat:  A common greeting in the Irish Channel section of New Orleans. Instead of saying "hey" in lieu of "hello" the way most Southerners do, they say, "Where yat?"

Y'heah?:  A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. "Y'all come back soon, y'heah?"

Yungins:  Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. "Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes."

Zit:  Is it. "Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you're having fun."

BROKEN

A new segment where we show you things that I think are 'broken'. You'll catch on quicker then you can catch on Fake or Foto.

Teaching_cover

"Teaching Kids to Read for Dummies" is one title that the "Dummies" folks should have skipped. Dummies probably shouldn't be teaching kids to read. Or are the kids going to read to the dummies?

FAKE OR FOTO

The last Fake or Foto pic of the monkeys was fake. They were wooden monkeys. actually, they were C.G.I. wooden monkeys. Okay, are you ready for the last of the Fake or Foto pics? Here we go. Is this pic fake...or foto?

 

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP

Tennis courts are ideal places to medicate your eyes...

 

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

39Is this a saxophone player or a human face?

 

Okay, now for my...

OSCAR PREDICTIONS

I suck at predicting the Oscars. But here goes. Remember, if you lay down money on what I say here, you will most likely never see it again. But my opinions are totally correct and true — even if the dumb Academy ends up disagreeing.

Best Actress

Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Keira Knightley, Pride and Prejudice
Charlize Theron, North Country
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Who Oughta Win and Why:
Forget what I said earlier about digging obscure actors in post-everything French movies — I love Reese Witherspoon! It's totally lame, I understand. But she made even that crappy movie about Mark Ruffalo falling in love with Dead Her almost bearable. And she balanced Joaquin Phoenix's sweaty, Method-y, drugged Johnny Cash by coming on strong with what appeared to be a slightly twangier, bigger-haired version of her no-nonsense self. (You just know she's angrily thrown beer bottles at Ryan Phillippe at least once to make him obey her.) But I think my new favorite reason why she should win is what the blabbing talking-head guy on E! said on the morning of the nominations as definitive proof of why she deserves it: "She learned to play the autoharp!"

Best Actor

Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck

Who Oughta Win and Why:
Did you ever see Josie and the Pussycats? It's really good. And there's this moment in that movie in which one of the Pussycats, it might have even been the awesome Tara Reid, after she's been brainwashed and is ready to sell out to the corporate rock machine, announces, "Heath Ledger is the new Matt Damon!" Back in 2001, that's exactly something you'd have heard someone saying on Entertainment Tonight, and you'd have gone, "Who's Heath Ledger? Oh, you mean that guy from that stupid A Knight'sTale movie? Yeah, he sucks." He was the handsome young Next Big Thing you figured was doomed to be in one awful movie after another and then maybe he'd wind up on some Law & Order show where all he'd have to do is say stuff like "Can you think of any reason why someone would want to kill your husband, ma'am?" So to watch him just set fire to all that in Brokeback Mountain is like seeing an innocent man get acquitted of a crime he didn't commit. He's like the dude Michelle Williams in way, so it makes sense that she's his baby mama now.

Best Director

Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Paul Haggis, Crash
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller, Capote
Steven Spielberg, Munich

Who Oughta Win and Why:
It would make for a great, quippy night if George Clooney were to win. He's full of snappy retorts. Ang Lee probably isn't, so if he wins, it'll be boring. But he should win anyway, because he made the best movie of the batch. He did that by keeping his actors full of repressed, pent-up anguish; dialing everyone down to Understatement Level Zero; and allowing his camera to stay focused on the calm, still gorgeousness of the landscape. It's kind of a trick: You're taking in all the natural beauty, allowing yourself to become hopeful that the underdog lovers will break free and go live on their own Big Gay Sheep Ranch, but all around you, the film itself is about to die of heartbreak. And when it's over, you still don't feel sucker-punched. That's what a director does.

Best Picture

Brokeback Mountain Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Munich

Who Oughta Win and Why:
A History of Violence. Oh, wait, it's not nominated. OK then, Brokeback Mountain it is. This movie takes everything you know about epic moviemaking, love stories, weepies, "women's films," "men's films," westerns and gay indie film clich├ęs and slowly wads it all up into a big ball and throws it in the trash. It's a super-tasteful trash can, the kind that you get for donating $500 to PBS, but still, it's in the trash. And now that all the nervous jokes have been told, and all the commentators have commented, and all the gay people have finished complaining about how it's so tragic and doesn't reflect their modern experience, and all the anti-gay people have had their moment of retro-indignation about how it's so gay and will turn everyone who watches it into a pillar of salt, we can talk about how it's just a really good, really moving, really heartbreaking reminder that It's a Bad Idea to Waste Your Life.

Of course, like every year, I have not seen any of the movies here. I did see Doogal last week and loved it, even though I want to see the real British version.

Okay, now for

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 3: The first publicity still is confusing, but if I'm translating my fanboy Internet chatter correctly, the black suit is some alien thingy that takes the form of the regular Spidey suit, and wearing it makes Peter Parker go crazy. Oh, and if you look closely enough, you'resupposed to be able to see a reflection of a church and the Green Goblin in his eyeball. Uh, what?

The Da Vinci Code: Did Dan Brown swipe the plot from a nonfiction book? Will a plagiarism lawsuit delay the release of the movie? Look, the only thing that's gonna change the opening date is if someone actually does stumble upon the Holy Grail.

Untitled Supergirl Sequel: Mischa Barton as the Girl of Steel? Meh. I mean, if you're gonna pick an O.C. hottie, you've gotta go with Rachel Bilson. And no, I don't care that Supergirl's supposed to be a blonde.

Star Trek 11:Is the Star Trek franchise really, finally dead? Quite possibly. How to spot a Trekkie in mourning: Look for the uncontrollably sobbing person in Vulcan ears with his phaser set to "denial."

X3: The Last Stand: You know you're in for a severe beating when you open the front door and find Juggernaut in your living room. Apparently, he likes to watch soccer before kicking the crap out of people.

Well, that's it. I will leave you with a random picture. Remember, spread the word, not the turd. 'Nuff said.

Click for a random picture!

 


 



 

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